Original subtitles

and some scenes which some viewers may find upsetting.

WOMAN ON RADIO: The sound of Northamptonshire is...

MAN ON RADIO: BBC Radio Northampton!

MUSIC JINGLE

PRESENTER: At seven o'clock with the latest BBC News

for Northamptonshire, I'm Phil Gabbitas.

Police are tonight searching wasteland outside Kettering

following the discovery earlier today of human remains.

The body has yet to be formally identified,

but police have indicated

that the discovery is likely to be connected to three other murders

in the county, thought to be the work of the so-called

"Lonely Hearts Killer".

A telephone number for anyone calling with information

about the case has been released.

It's 01632 960011...

DOOR ENTRY UNLOCKS

SMOOCHY MUSIC

COMPUTER CHIMES

Oh, hello!

Hi.

Took me by surprise.

I know, yeah. It's weird, isn't it?

I... I, er...

You go on.

I was going to say,

I don't know if we're allowed to say our names.

Yeah, no, I'm not sure, erm,

cos the email said we had to keep things anonymous,

what with everything in the news.

Well, statistically, you're more likely to be killed

by someone you know than a complete stranger,

so let's live dangerously, shall we?

I'm Edgar.

You don't have to tell me if you're not comfortable.

Erm, Vicky.

Hi, Vicky. Nice to e-meet you.

Nice... Nice to meet you, too.

Erm, so have you done one of these before?

I've done one in real life where you go along a line...

IRL. Sorry?

Sorry, that's... erm, "in real life" is IRL.

Yeah, where you jump along one every five minutes.

It's like musical chairs. Exactly.

Though mine was more like "pin the tail on the donkey".

Anyway, nothing really came of it,

so I thought I'd try this.

Well. I-I'm glad you did.

So am I.

So, what do you do, Edgar?

I'm a landscape gardener.

I do designs and planting -

basically, the kind of thing you see on the Chelsea Flower Show.

I love that.

I've never been, but I... I used to love watching it

on the TV and...I've always really loved gardening.

Really? Yeah, I put it as one of my passions.

Well, that's a good start. What else is on that list?

Well, that...that would be telling, wouldn't it?

I've got to keep some of my feminine mystique!

Absolutely right.

So, how big's your plot?

Sorry?

Your garden.

Do you want me to come round and give you a quote?

Oh, it's a...small patch.

Well, it's a window box, actually.

Sounds great. I love a window box.

So, how about you, Vicky? Do you work?

Yeah, I'm a carer. I was...

I was a carer, and now I just do a little bit of volunteering

at the local charity shop, so...that's me.

And do you have a family? What's your situation?

Oh, I've got a brother who... moved to Canada a while ago,

and he's got two little girls now, so I'm an auntie.

Cool. Whereabouts?

Winnipeg. Yeah, I'm going to go over there, definitely,

once he gets settled. How long's he been there?

Six years.

Anyway, tell me more about you,

cos I'm wittering on.

Like I say, landscape gardener.

I golf occasionally.

Er, music-wise, Dire Straits, Dylan, Simply Red...

Oh, I love them.

What's your favourite album?

Greatest Hits, probably.

Anyway, Vicky, it's been lovely to meet you.

Oh, no, we've still got a minute.

Well, 55 seconds.

That's...that's half a lifetime in speed dating.

And you never know, I might be the one.

Of course, but, erm, if you go shopping for a new sofa,

for example, you don't just buy the first one you see, do you?

You sit on a few first to get a feel for it.

Some can be saggy...

You know? And some can be sleek and...hard.

And some can be fluffy and comfortable

and last you a lifetime.

True.

Anyway, good luck.

I hope you make it to Canada someday.

I will. Thank...thanks, Edgar.

It's been... It's been really nice chatting to you.

You, too. I've really enjoyed it,

and it's been good practice for the next one.

SMOOCHY MUSIC

DOOR INTERCOM BUZZES

Hi.

DOORBELL CHIMES

I'm really glad you came.

SMOOCHY MUSIC

COMPUTER CHIMES

Right, victim number two! Good evening.

Hello there.

This is weird, isn't it?

Could you sit up for me, please?

Sorry? Sit up a little, would you?

The lighting is very poor your end.

Is that deliberate? No.

Erm, maybe if I tilt... the screen back?

Is that better? Marginally.

Now, I have a brief checklist, if you don't mind my going first.

Always best to have a plan, I find. So, you are...?

Well, I thought we were supposed to keep things anon...

Vicky.

LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Victoria.

Age? Well, is that...?

A ballpark figure will do.

I know you fillies like to shave off half a decade if you can.

No, I'd rather not say.

Erm, I'm as old as my gums

and a little bit older than my teeth.

LAUGHS

I'll...put 58.

And location?

No, I'm not comfortable telling you that at the moment...

For goodness' sakes, do I look like an axe murderer?

I just need to know if you have direct transport links to Kettering.

Er, yes.

Well, that's fine, then.

Now, these you can answer in the order you like,

but I'd like to know the following.

Occupation and salary, pastimes and interests,

family and domestic expectations.

Oh, you're very prepared, aren't you?

I just...

Anyway...I'm...a carer.

Was a carer.

And now I just work in a charity shop locally.

Is that a salaried position?

No, but I do get first dibs on every new bag that comes in.

Sorry, what... What was your name?

Norman Jenkins. Pastimes?

Er, I like to garden, erm, walks, cooking...

Standard stuff.

Family-wise, I've got a brother who lives in Canada

but, apart from that,

I'm footloose and fancy-free, so...

Yeah. Hang on, hang on.

"Loose..."

..and "free".

Sorry...

..Norman, what did you mean by "domestic expectations"?

I've recently been cut open from here to here.

I'm sorry to hear that.

No, don't be sorry. It saved my life.

I'm fitted with a pacemaker which regulates my heartbeat

between 60 and 80bpm.

However, my surgeon has warned me about energetic activities,

including housework and...

..bedroom antics, so my enquiry about domestic expectations

has to do with that. Is that clear?

But I think it's a bit soon to be thinking about...

Suffice to say, I may not be able to...

..deliver on certain aspects of what you might be looking for.

That's fine. Erm, thank you for being so honest with me.

I appreciate it.

I... I've had some big, life-changing stuff

going on myself.

It's nice to talk about it, isn't it?

I'm not lonely, if that's what you mean.

Good. I'm pleased for you.

I am, a bit.

Can I turn the tables now and interrogate you?

If you wish, yes. It's only fair.

So, Norman, if we were going to go on a date,

where would you take me?

Oh. Good question. Erm...

I suppose, off the top of my head,

it would have to be, erm, Kensington Palace Gardens,

Peter Pan statue.

Mother used to take me there when I was a boy,

every Sunday, once a month,

before I was returned to boarding school.

She'd buy me an ice cream with strawberry sauce -

"monkey blood" we used to call it -

and then drop me off at the station.

And I'd sob my little heart out all the way back to Surrey.

That's so sad.

Is your mother still with us?

No, she died in 2014.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

I lost my mother last year.

It...untethers you, doesn't it?

You...

..lose your bearings.

Do you think that you'd maybe like to...

..meet for a coffee sometime and talk about it?

Certainly not. You look nothing like her.

SMOOCHY MUSIC

COMPUTER CHIMES

Oh, hello! I'm Manny.

Erm...Vicky.

You look like you've lost a shilling and found a penny!

Am I that ugly?

No, not at all! Sorry, no, I've, erm...

I've just had the rudest man.

There's some nutters on here, aren't there?

Well, you've only got to read the papers.

Hey, my last one didn't go to plan either.

Really? Yeah. Screen comes up, there's nobody there.

I just hear this voice off. "Sorry, I'm having a wee!"

I said, "It's all right, love.

"When you gotta go, you gotta go."

Then she comes out of the toilet,

starts unloading the dishwasher!

No! I swear down!

I said, "Are you not going to have a quick look, just in case

"you've got Cary Grant sat here?"

So, she comes over, puts her glasses on and goes,

"Cary Grant? More like Russell Grant!"

Then she frigs off again!

SHE LAUGHS

I-I like a cuddly man.

Oh, well, you know, I go up and down, but it's hard, isn't it?

My last date was after a mother rather than a partner.

You never know who you're going to get, do you?

Mm, yeah, true.

You've got lovely eyes.

Thank you.

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

So, do you work, Vicky?

Yeah, I'm a landscape gardener.

Really? Yeah, I do designs and planting -

the sort of thing you see in the Chelsea Flower Show.

Wow!

HE CHUCKLES

I was going to say something about a neat bush but I stopped meself.

VICKY STIFLES A LAUGH

"Don't blow it, Manny!"

Oh, it's nice to laugh.

I haven't laughed in ages.

Oh, yeah. It's the best medicine.

Even if nothing comes of these things romantically,

I always try and have a bit of fun, but that's just me.

You can't go wrong if you're straight up with people,

do you know what I mean?

Be honest. And if they like you, they like you.

And if they don't, it's four minutes out your life.

Yeah.

You're right.

I'm not a landscape gardener.

I just said it. I don't know why.

I think it's a confidence thing.

Oh, don't be daft, I'll talk to anyone, me.

Well, you're not a traffic warden, are you?

BOTH LAUGH

No. No, I'm...

I'm nothing.

Anyway, what do you do?

I, Vicky, run a premium phone line for people trying

to solve their Rubik's Cubes.

Honestly? Swear down.

People ring up. They've got three sides done.

They want to know how to progress.

Occasionally, I get the speed cubers phoning up with a DNF.

What's that? "Did not finish".

But, mainly, it's just taking Muggles through to self-completion

using the Fridrich method -

you know, starting with your basic white cross,

then inserting pairs of corners using OLL - sorry,

"orientation of last layer".

HE CHUCKLES

I do go a bit geeky when I get on the subject.

No, it sounds fascinating.

And, erm, how long are you on for?

Average call time is 17 minutes.

£1 a minute. You do the maths.

£17.

Exactly. Then you throw in your internationals -

your Chineses, your Thais...

I only need to do 3-4 calls a day and I'm laughing.

Sounds perfect.

Well, it is. You see, I want to franchise it,

get it on Dragons' Den.

To me, it could be the next Trunki or Tangle Teezer,

but I just don't think they'd get it!

Well, the new lad they've got on - Steven - he might.

You've got to get it on social media.

You can get everything on social media nowadays, can't you?

You can.

Including someone to have a bit of fun with.

SHE CHUCKLES

I wish I had a hobby

that I could turn into a job.

Oh, it's the best.

But it does make it hard to meet people, so...

WOMAN: Manny!

Have you seen the key to the shed?

I want to get the kids' bikes out for the morning.

Yeah, I'll be down in a bit, love.

Who's this? No-one.

It's just one of me cubers.

You fuckin' liar!

You're doing it again, aren't you?

No! Listen!

He's married, you sad cow!

Sorry, I didn't know, I...

Keep your desperate, clammy hands off.

If I catch you sniffing round again, I'll find out where you live

and I'll break your ribs! Do you hear me?

I've done it before. She has.

Piss off and get your own man, bitch!

SMOOCHY MUSIC

Oh, I'm really glad you came. Come in.

Oh, you've opened it already.

It's a...

..bit of Dutch courage, I suppose.

Er, come in, sit down. I'll pour us a glass.

WOMAN: Hello?

Hello?

Oh, hello! Who have we got here?

Oh, hi. Erm...

Oh, don't worry. It's been happening all night.

I think they've put me on the wrong track

because of my name - Lesley.

It's one of those bi...polar names, isn't it?

Although it shouldn't be a problem in this day and age,

what with all the mixing of the gender fluids.

I suppose so, yeah.

Anyway, I'm not a lesbian.

I'm not even bi...curious.

SHE LAUGHS I can't imagine anything worse.

What's your name, lovey?

Vicky. Aw. Vicky.

Is that with a C-K-I, or a K-K-I?

V-I-C-K-Y.

..C-K-Y.

Lovely.

And do you go by Vicky, or Victoria?

Er, Vicky, mainly. Victoria's a bit...

Old-fashioned, yes. I agree.

Although I do have a friend my age who's called Ivy,

and she's got tattoos and a labia ring, so go figure!

SHE LAUGHS

So, now...tell me, Vic,

have you seen anyone who's Mr Right out there,

or are they all a bit...?

Mr Lefts, as my mother used to say.

SHE LAUGHS

"Mr Lefts". I like that.

No, erm...

Yeah, I've found a couple of potentials maybe,

but no-one's really jumped out at me.

Oh, well, I should hope not -

I mean, that's the beauty about being online.

Safety first!

Did you hear they found another body this morning?

Ring finger chopped off.

SHE GASPS

It's terrible.

You could be talking to the Lonely Hearts Killer.

Oh, don't say that.

Well, you can't trust anyone these days.

I must tell you, though, Vic,

I've been laughing with some of my other ladies

about the descriptions that the guys give themselves,

compared to what they really look like.

Do you know what I mean?

Yes! My last one described himself as Cary Grant.

I thought, "More like Russell Grant."

SHE LAUGHS

Priceless!

Mind you, we're just as bad, aren't we?

I mean, you know, we say, er, "bubbly" when we mean fat,

or "homely" when we mean a frump.

"Lives life to the full" - ie, raging alcoholic.

SHE LAUGHS

Or my favourite...

.."footloose and fancy-free" -

meaning a totally empty existence.

SHE LAUGHS

Now, what's your status at the moment, Vic?

Divorced, single,

or are you married, looking for a bit of fun on the side?

No. Erm, I've just never really found the time

for a serious relationship.

Ah, you're a career woman, like me.

No, not really. I just, erm...

I was worried that, if I did find a man,

he'd have to share me with my mum.

Sounds kinky.

No, no, not like that. It's just, up until recently,

I've had to put her needs first.

My dad walked out when we were little,

so it was down to me,

and that was my life...

..through my fingers before I knew it.

Aw...

So, you found solace in food.

No, not really.

Oh, we're so hard on ourselves sometimes, aren't we, Vic?

I mean, how many items of clothing have you got

that you can no longer get into?

Oh...

SHE CHUCKLES

One to five, five to ten, or 11 and over?

Five to ten probably, if I...

Good. And, sometimes, Vic...

..when I'm slipping into the bath of an evening,

I glance in the mirror and I think to myself,

"What three words would I use to describe my body shape?"

Do you ever think that?

And if so, what would they be?

So...what? The three words. Take your time.

We've still got a minute left.

Sorry, what is this? What?

Why are you writing everything down?

Vicky, what if I were to tell you

that there is a brand-new miracle product

that's just about to launch in the UK?

It's a supplement, it's not food replacement, and I can...

So, what, are you just trying to sign me up for a diet plan?

Oh, no, we don't call it a diet plan. No, no, no, no.

It's a gateway to a new you.

Have you got an email address?

No!

Yes. But I'm not going to give it to you.

Why not, lovey? Because you've tricked me.

I bet you deliberately put yourself down as a man, didn't you?

Well, it is fish in a barrel.

I mean, where else am I going to find an endless supply

of ladies like you?

What do you mean, ladies like me?

Bubbly.

Now, I really do need your email so that I can...

Fuck off!

BEEP

COMPUTER CHIMES

Hiya.

Is that supposed to be funny?

No, I'm really sorry. Erm, I've been trying to fix this

for the past half an hour.

I, erm, let my kids use my phone to watch LazyTown on CBeebies,

and the next thing you know, ha...

At least I'm not a turd.

Ha...

There's one that's a turd.

Sorry.

I can keep fidgeting with my phone to try and turn this off,

or I can focus on talking to you properly?

Er...or you can switch off now

and save yourself four minutes. I wouldn't blame you.

Do you know what? It's fine. I'm not doing anything else.

Can I ask your name? I'd rather not say.

Yeah, OK, I'm sorry.

D-Don't keep saying sorry,

because you sound like me.

What have you got to be sorry for?

Oh. Daring to exist, according to most people on here.

Yeah. Not easy, is it?

Being gazed at and picked over by half a dozen strangers.

I've never done this before, and I don't think I'll bother again.

Why not? It's just too painful.

Confirms all the worst things that I think about myself.

Well, d-don't be like that.

I-I'm sure there's somebody out there for you.

Are you a man or a mouse?

Oh.

THEY CHUCKLE

Sorry.

Fair enough.

BOTH LAUGH

It's...

Cheers to us, anyway.

To us. Cheers.

HE SIGHS DEEPLY

My name's Vicky, by the way.

Jai, by the way.

How old are your kids, Jai?

11 and 12.

And they still watch CBeebies?

Yeah.

What are their names?

Er, Sally and Lindsay.

Like the actress?

I suppose, yeah.

I...

..used to sit my mum in front of CBeebies.

She liked the colours. So...

..I know that LazyTown hasn't been on for...ten years.

You put that filter on yourself, didn't you?

I don't have kids.

Erm...the thing is, Vicky, I've...I've got this...

I know.

When you took a drink, I saw.

Why don't you just turn it off, and we can talk properly?

Yeah? Mm.

That's better.

HE SIGHS

So...tonight's been a bit of a wash-out, has it?

Yeah.

Up till now, anyway.

I don't get to meet many women IRL.

It's quite hard to put up with the stares and...

Oh, tell me about it. I live on the top floor with no lift.

No, I mean, the... No, I know what you meant.

Oh... I was joking.

THEY CHUCKLE

You've got bants, Vicky's got bants.

SHE LAUGHS

No, people react in different ways. Erm...

..I'm either the Invisible Man, or the Elephant Man.

They either can't stop looking or...they don't see me at all.

Oh, that must be hard.

I get overlooked as well.

No man, no job,

unless you count being a carer, which most people don't.

So, this is me finally coming out into the world, like, erm,

a flower starting to bloom,

except no-one wants to smell me. SHE CHUCKLES

I do.

Sorry, I meant... That sounded weird. I mean...

Oh, we've got 20 seconds left.

Wh-What can you say in 20 seconds? Go! OK. Er...er...

Hold on, wait.

BOTH LAUGH

Check this out!

SHE LAUGHS

Hope you've got a good memory, Vicky!

Wait.

PAPER RUSTLES

SCRIBBLES

SMOOCHY MUSIC

SHE LAUGHS

I made us a lasagne.

I hope that's OK.

Just with some salad and a bit of garlic bread.

It's been nice having someone to cook for.

Mum always wanted tinned stuff,

and it became quite boring after a while.

Cheers.

It's nice to see you in the flesh.

Here's to no more masks.

No more masks.

So, erm, how's Sally and Lindsay?

Oh, yeah, they're tucked up in bed watching LazyTown.

BOTH LAUGH

I'm glad to hear it. Do you want to sit down?

Yes, please, thank you.

So, er, have you been working today?

Cos I never asked you what you did.

Yeah. So, er, I'm in investments, so, er...

..buying, trading, selling.

I'm actually going to get some Bitcoin soon,

so I'm just running the numbers.

That sounds exciting. Yeah, it is really exciting.

Yeah.

That's an interesting dress you're wearing.

You're the third person I've seen wearing it this week.

Really?

Must be on sale or, like, at one of them charity shops, or something.

No. It's...quite old.

It used to be one of my mum's, I think.

What makes you say that?

I've got you a present.

It's a mouse.

To remind you of when we first met.

Oh, that... That's lovely.

Can I put it on you?

Er...yeah.

OK. Yeah?

Would you turn around?

BOTH CHUCKLE QUIETLY

HE SNIFFS

I can smell you now.

HE CHUCKLES

That looks nice.

QUIETLY: Yes... Just going to get some crisps.

You seem nervous, Vicky.

Do I make you nervous? No.

Erm...

Well, as I said, I've not been on many dates,

because of my mother and her condition.

But...can't be going out for a romantic meal for two.

It's easy when your mum's bag needs emptying every four hours.

Sounds draining.

It was, literally.

But she's passed, and so now

I'm free to start a new chapter,

so...every cloud.

Do you still have your mother?

How do you mean? Is she still alive?

Yeah, I think so.

I don't think we ever really get...

What are you doing? Stop!

Sorry. Sorry! We haven't even had our food!

Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.

I thought I could skip a few steps, and it would still be fine...

What do you mean, steps?

HE SIGHS

All right, Vicky, I'm going to level with you, I've...

I never quite knew how to get to the next step with women,

kind of, bedroom-wise, so...

..I did a pick-up course. Course?

Yeah, it gives you structure,

tells you to demonstrate higher value -

that's why I was, like, talking about the Bitcoin stuff.

And then, it tells you to throw in the odd neg.

Sor...what's a neg?

You know, like when I said your dress was shit.

That was to make you, like, like me more, or something.

I don't know why. I went to the toilet in that bit. I missed it.

Oh.

That's... That's very disappointing.

I think you've let yourself down, Jai.

HE SIGHS

So, I've wasted my money on these, then?

And the wine. Fuck's sake!

OVEN TIMER BEEPS

TIMER OFF

I think I'm just going to, er...

I'll set the table.

HE SIGHS

I'm not being funny, Vicky,

but I don't even want the lasagne.

It's not what I came here for, you know what I mean?

I'm surprised that people are even thinking of going on dates

at the minute, what with all this stuff in the news.

They must be either very brave or very stupid.

Are you negging ME now?

No, no, it's just, er, an observation...

Lonely Hearts Killer.

I hate that name.

Cos it makes me sound like a victim.

And that's not me.

And I refuse to end up like my mother.

Oh, God...

There's so many nasty men out there.

But there's one good thing...

..I've found about dating sites like these.

If a person's not good enough for you...

..just...swipe left.

SMOOCHY MUSIC

SHE SIGHS