Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language

MUSIC THUMPS

DOOR OPENS

HUBBUB

DOOR CREAKS CLOSED

CLATTER

MAN COUGHS IN CUBICLE

ZIPPING

MAN GASPS

Mm.

Hello, hello.

Mm. Hmm.

Sorry, I got cornered by Anne Reid.

Oh, Christ.

Have you been here ages? No, no, no.

25 minutes.

There's been three number ones and one number two, so...

..I haven't exactly been bored.

Well, do you want to keep an eye out while I...?

Of course, yes. Mm.

AWKWARD MURMURING

Busy out there? Yeah. Yeah.

Usual showbiz do.

Everyone looking over your shoulder

to see if there's anyone more famous to talk to.

Yes, yes.

I usually do two circuits,

pretending I'm looking for someone, and then leave.

I have nothing to say to these people.

Well, this'll loosen you up a bit.

Ooh, yes!

Make me a bit more talkative.

Mm. Yeah.

Although I have heard it can have a laxative effect.

No, it just gives you confidence, that's all.

Ooh, lovely.

Have you not had it before?

Oh, God, yeah.

Well, no. I once tried to buy

an E tablet from a dealer at Latitude,

but he came back with a second-hand iPad, so...

Misunderstanding.

Have you seen Reece or Steve yet?

I saw Reece. Oh?

Yeah. Surrounded by people blowing smoke up his arse.

Oh, yuck...

Not literally, Tim. No, I know.

Still, you know...

Nine series!

Oh, no, no, no. Yeah... Wowee.

It is good. It's good.

Yes. Fair play to them.

Mm.

But I think it's right for them to end it now, don't you?

SIGHS

It has got a bit self-indulgent.

Yeah, fuck 'em.

I think the, um,

"leave them wanting more" phase is behind them,

isn't it? Mm-hm.

Although I did hear there was a...

There was a bit of a...drama

on, um, Katherine Kelly's episode.

Oh, yeah? Yes.

She said that, um... Sorry.

She said that, um, Steve was rushed away.

To hospital. Really?

Steve Pemberton. Yeah, well, obviously.

Yeah. Wow. Well,

that doesn't surprise me. No.

Hardly the picture of health, is he?

Steve?

Won't be long before his face pops up

on the Bafta "in memoriam"

to Coldplay or some maudlin shite.

Right, I think we're good to go. Yes.

DOOR THUDS

Hey! Tim, how you doing? Yeah, hello.

Fantastic. Oh!

Hmm?

Um, this one, I think, is out of bounds.

There's been a blo...a blo... a blo...a blockage.

Pre-existing.

These are...blockages.

Yeah.

So I should hold it, then?

Yeah, keep a finger in the dyke.

Wha...?

OK...

Oh. All the best.

Enchante.

I shall see you...

DOOR OPENS

HUBBUB

Who was that?

Katherine bloody Parkinson.

SIGHS

I'm Katherine Parkinson.

GULPS

Yes, of course you are.

The other one, then.

Shall we assume the position?

MUMBLING

Oh, Christ Almighty.

Fucking hell.

Have you got any cash on you? What do I owe you?

No, I need a note.

Oh.

That any use?

Or is that too, um...? It's too wide, isn't it?

Shall we just leave it

and get a couple of beers? No! No! No.

It's all right, I've got this Body Shop voucher - that'll do.

Not your first rodeo.

So, have you been busy? Me?

Yeah. Yeah.

Lots of projects. Irons in fires.

Any paid work?

No. No.

You must have auditioned for this Divine Comedy thing

Amazon are doing?

I have never heard of it.

You are kidding. What?

Every cunt with an Equity card's been up for it.

They want English actors, apparently.

Fucking hell! Are you serious?

Yeah, it's like a...

..a Dungeons & Dragons type thing,

based on Dante's Inferno.

HE GROANS

SIGHS

SHE SNIFFS

It sounds dreadful,

but they're paying people shitloads.

Yeah, you should get your agent onto it.

Yeah, thanks for the tip, Amanda.

Katherine. Katherine. I'm sorry. Katherine.

Katherine Parkinson.

Lovely.

Merci.

See you shortly.

HE SNIFFS

O...K. Wow.

Right you are.

Tim, you didn't have any.

I did.

Hmm. I can feel a twinge.

It's still there.

I smelt it.

That could be enough?

KNOCK AT DOOR

Um...hello?

Katherine? It's Anne Reid. Can you let me in?

Fucking hell. Er, yeah.

Hi, Anne!

I hear you've scored some good snow

from the dummy man on Deansgate.

Any chance of a quick toot?

Yeah, you're in luck.

We've got a spare line, haven't we, Tim?

Oh, bliss. Heaven. Thank you.

Hello, Anne.

Ooh, lovely... Oh, careful.

Ow!

DOOR OPENS

HUBBUB

DOOR CLOSES

Steve?

DOOR OPENS

HUBBUB

DOOR CLOSES

Ah, here he is!

Hello, my liege! How are we?

Great to see you. Hi, Robin.

It's absolutely heaving out there. What a turnout!

I think I'm the only one I've never heard of!

BOTH CHUCKLE

I don't mind gender-neutral toilets, do you?

It's equality.

And you get to queue up with all the lovely ladies!

Yeah.

So what's next for you both? What have you got lined up?

Yes, actually we're doing a comedy drama thing for...

GULPS

..uh, the BBC,

uh, playing detectives.

SPLASHING

It's, uh, called Plodding On.

Oh! So you're really not doing any more No. 9s, then?

SPLASHING CONTINUES

No. Er, no.

Um, they said we could do specials if we wanted.

Oh! Well, that's good, cos people are always

coming up talking to me about the bus episode.

Yeah, I know.

Some of the fans were disappointed

we didn't actually do it. Exactly!

BUCKLE JANGLES

So, I've been thinking about it.

What?

The bus episode, Hold On Tight!

This is what I think we do.

ZIPPING

You are the driver

and Steve's the clippie. Right...

Now, you're both working at the depot

when this dollybird comes in

with, like, a three-inch cleavage.

And she says, "Ooh, I don't know what route I'm on today!"

And Steve says, "Oh, I think we can give you a ride!"

You know, "ride" like "sex".

And she says, "Ooh, what number bus are you, then?"

And you say, "69.

"Oh, uh, I-I mean nine!"

Like oral sex.

Yeah? Then Steve says,

"I think you'd better come up here, love,

"and I'll take you up the back passage."

Ha, as in anal sex.

What?

Oh, I hadn't thought of that.

Now, listen, this is where I come on

as Mr Cole, the posh geezer.

Oh!

You've got a full script.

Oh, yeah.

Now, you're showing her round the bus,

and I come on, as I say, as Mr Cole,

and I start reading the list of stops.

OK? Top of page four.

Oh. Four.

Yep.

CLEARS THROAT

Oh, er, " 'Ere, this way, darling.

"Come up to my cab and see my..."

Nelson's Column.

"..my steering wheel."

Er, "When I'm up here driving,

"I sometimes get bored, so I like to have a little..."

Bank. "..bite to eat.

"I, er... In fact, I'm starving now!

"I'd really love to chow down on your..."

Shepherd's Bush.

"..cheese and ham sandwich."

BOTH CHUCKLE

Very funny. Funny.

Now, listen. This is the next bit.

You start looking at her tits and I go,

"St Paul's Cathedral!"

See, it's all clever wordplay like that.

Very much like David Renwick wrote for the Rons, you know?

Right, well, you've obviously thought a lot about it.

Is there a twist or...?

Oh, well, that's where you and Steve come in.

Oh, yes. You put in all the clever bits.

You know, maybe they're all dead

or ghosts or something like that.

That's what you usually do, isn't it?

We've done that three times.

54 films.

We've only done it three times.

Well, I just think it'd be great

because I was never in an actual episode, was I?

No, I suppose not. Well, I'll have a read.

Oh, thank you, my liege. All right.

Oh, listen...

CLEARS THROAT

What's this that happened on the latest series?

I heard that Steve was taken off to hospital or something?

Oh, yeah, no, that was serious.

We were doing an episode set in an escape room

and he...he collapsed.

He was having some sort of seizure.

Shit. Is he all right?

Yeah, he's all right, he was back the next morning.

He was fine, but it was... It was really scary.

Oh, oh, well, it must have been.

Well, I'll give it to Steve,

and we'll...we'll get back to you.

You're a gentleman, sir.

Now, listen to me, you enjoy this evening.

You deserve it.

CHUCKLES

See ya, Robin!

" 'Ere, sugar-tits, pass me that rag

"so I can wipe my dipstick. There's a good girl."

SCOFFS

Oh. No, Amanda, wait!

My family has been wronged, Dante.

Is this nothing?

You call this nothing?

DOOR OPENS

HUBBUB

Sorry, Steve,

the queue at the bar was horrendous.

Yeah, well, we've worked with a lot of people.

Now, I didn't know whether to get you

a Diddle Diddle Daiquiri

or a Bloody Merrily, Merrily, so I got you both.

Ah, good call. Cheers. Cheers.

What did you get?

Riddle Of The Aperol Spritz.

Oh, it's nice.

Did you see Reece? Yeah.

Just saw him outside, actually.

He was putting Anne Reid in a taxi.

I hope she's OK.

She was really grinding her teeth.

Right, come on, what's the gossip?

Why are you avoiding him? Have you fallen out?

Nah, not really.

Oh, come on, you can tell me. You know I won't tell anyone.

Oh, yeah, right. I promise.

OK, well,

this is entre nous, yeah? Yeah.

You must have heard about this Divine Comedy thing

that Amazon are doing? Oh, God, yeah.

No, I did a self-tape for it. It was awful.

Really? What part?

Oh, one of the fucking maids, I don't know.

Well, I'd auditioned for the part of Virgil, who's obviously

one of the main characters...

Oh, you'd be so good at that! Thank you.

Anyway, weeks went by, and I didn't hear anything.

Oh, of course.

We started filming this, series nine.

Uh, then I get a call from my agent,

saying the showrunner's in town,

he wants to meet me tomorrow.

I said, "I can't do it tomorrow,

"I'm doing a scene with Reece."

Here, sh...shall I help you? Yeah, thanks.

Anyway, in the end

I thought, "Fuck it, you only live once,"

so I said yes to the meeting. Mm.

I pretended to be ill so I could be taken off set.

What?! What do you mean?

CHUCKLES

Well, to begin with,

I just, like, fainted, then I thought...

Yeah, like you hadn't gone

far enough? Exactly, yeah.

So I started fitting as well.

Oh, my God! I wish I'd seen that.

I bet you were brilliant.

I mean, I'd done all my bits.

It was only Reece's reverses to do.

In the end, they put my wig on the producer,

and he sat in for me.

No! Yeah.

Apparently, there's one scene where,

if you look really closely, you can tell it's not me.

Yeah, so, um, anyway,

I did the meeting... Mm-hm.

..we got on like a house on fire, and

I just found out a couple of hours ago...

..I got the job.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, that is amazing!

Yeah, thank you.

So, hang on, where's it filming?

Oh, well,

it's LA and Canada, so... Oh.

..yeah, I've literally got to move out there.

Oh, my God. There's seven years' work.

Unbelievable money, Rosie. Really?

Like, unbelievable. Ah...

Relocation package for my family, the works.

Oh, you so deserve it, Steve, you really do.

Thank you.

So, do you know who's playing the maid?

No, I don't, but I wanted to ask you, actually...

Yeah?

Have you got Monica Dolan's number?

Cos I think she'd be perfect.

Yeah, she's great. Yeah.

Actually, I just saw her upstairs.

Just passed her ten minutes back.

Oh, good, good, good.

Can you get my shoes?

Oh, yeah.

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, no, no, that's, er,

that's just a present for Jack Whitehall.

It's not real.

Oh, Jesus!

They're under the table.

Oh, yeah.

The problem is... Yeah?

In the meantime, Reece has come up with this stupid

detective comedy drama thing...

Ooh! ..which is BBC money.

Pathetic. And now I'm not free to do it.

Oh, well, I mean, he'll understand, surely, won't he?

Hmm. I mean, it's not like

you go around using people all the time, is it?

Exactly.

I've been working with him for 25 years.

Got to put myself first for once, haven't I?

Jacket. Yeah.

BEEP

Hello, pod fans!

It's Nick Mohammed here,

with episode number 279 of Mountain To Mohammed,

where I get to scale the heights

of a famous personality.

Uh, well, not always famous.

We've had a nurse on and stuff like that,

but, um, but the numbers are never very good.

Anyway, we start at the base camp of childhood,

whether, like me, they were very badly bullied,

and work our way up to the summit

to see what's next on the horizon.

Now, I should say that I'm actually recording this...

DOOR OPENS

..in the toilets

at the wrap party for series nine

of Inside No. 9,

where Steve and Reece have invited back

a whole galaxy of stars from previous series...

IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: ..including little old me!

So, Steve, welcome to Mountain To Mohammed.

How's it all going out there?

Er, it's great, yeah, yeah. We've...we've got...

So many old friends have turned up and, you know,

it's just lovely to celebrate the past ten years.

I feel like my whole life is flashing before my eyes.

Now, look, tell me all about your upbringing. I want to know

where you were brought up, where... Where were you born?

Ah, so I was born in Blackburn in Lancashire.

Now, that's interesting.

So I was born in Leeds,

which is obviously the other side of the Pennines,

um, well, before going on up to Durham to read geophysics,

so I'm not actually that familiar with Blackpool.

Er, Blackburn.

Yes, sorry.

Um...

I'm so sorry, what was the question again?

I think you asked me where I was born.

Yes, that's right.

And the answer was...?

Remind me. It was...

Blackburn. Blackburn!

Mm. Amazing.

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Conditions apply. I'm so sorry,

I've got to do two every minute or something like that

for the sponsors - it's really annoying.

CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY

I'm back with Steve Pemberton.

So, Steve, you started off

at the Edinburgh Fringe, didn't you?

Now, that was in nineteen-ninety...?

Six.

Right, OK, so I was...

Well, I was there last 2018 -

that was with Mr Swallow And The Vanishing Elephant.

But I...

God, that was my 12th show? Was it my 12th?

So, there was

Hello, It's Mr Swallow, Mr Swallow - The Musical,

Mr Swallow's Christmas Carol. That was...

Nick, I've got to... Yes.

So, Steve, we have reached the summit.

What's next for you?

Ah, well, this has only just been confirmed, actually,

um, so it's hot off the press,

but, yeah, I'm going to be playing a part - quite a big part -

in a major new series for Amazon,

um, so I'm going to be heading out to Los Angeles,

where I'm going to be there for, yeah, about seven years.

So that sounds like quite a big commitment, then?

Cos I thought,

weren't you and Reece working on a new show for the BBC?

Well, no, I mean, I'm not going to be doing that now but...

TOILET FLUSHES

Uh, to be honest,

I was never really sure it was the right project

for us to be, um...

..to be doing but, yeah, yeah, you know,

never say never and, um...

BOTH MOUTH

..there's always new ways of communicating with, um,

with emails and, uh, and...and Zoom.

So, yeah, hopefully we can carry on, um,

developing the project.

TAP RUNS

Well, as luck would have it,

I'm actually joined by your partner in crime,

Reece Shearsmith.

Reece, welcome to Mountain To Mohammed.

What do you make of Steve's new job?

Yeah, it's great news. Yeah.

I've not really heard much about it.

I can't wait for him to explain it all to me.

Mm.

Well, there's nothing to explain.

You know, you go for an audition,

you don't know if you're going to get it,

and on this occasion, I got it.

So, it's all whims, isn't it?

It is all whims.

I mean, when I auditioned for Lasso...

But you don't audition for things

when you've got your own project greenlit

and ready to go, though, do you?

It wasn't greenlit.

We were commissioned to write a script,

which we'd barely even started...

Barely started? We've been working on it for six months!

Guys...guys.

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When did you go for this audition anyway?

You never told me.

Um...

I can't remember.

I can tell you exactly when it was

because I saw you there, didn't I? We were laughing

cos you still had make-up on your face from filming.

It was...December 15th.

December 15th? Mm.

The afternoon of December 15th?

So, was this audition before or after you were rushed

to hospital with a suspected brain aneurysm?

So! We're here celebrating nine series of Inside No. 9.

It is an incredible achievement, guys.

You must be over the moon. Could you put it into words?

No, I've probably got enough.

I can...I can...I can build it in the edit anyway.

Um, it is so nice to see you both!

LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

I hope you're not going to smash his head in with a Bafta.

DOOR OPENS

HUBBUB

You lying fucking monster.

Are you actually saying that to me

or are you doing an Inside No. 9 quote?

Both.

OK, well, look, I-I'm sorry I lied to you.

I just didn't think you'd understand.

No, I don't understand.

Please clarify the situation for me.

OK, look, we both know

we've reached the end of the road with this project.

I just wanted to see what else is out there.

"This project"? What am I, a science experiment?

No, but it is the perfect time

for us to try and do new things independent of each other.

We're not joined at the hip, are we?

No, and I never said we were,

but this is bigger than that. This feels like a statement.

I knew you'd make things difficult.

Why can't you just be pleased for me? Everyone else is.

What? I am pleased for you!

I'm very happy that you're going to go off

and work with exciting new people

and earn lots and lots of money!

You must feel very important. Well done.

But at the end of the day, Steve,

it's just a television programme.

It'll be on and then it won't be on.

Like you've always said,

it'll just be another line on your CV.

OK.

OK, well, I don't want to spoil tonight.

Oh, you don't want to spoil tonight?

Well, I'm afraid that ship has already sailed.

If you want to know the truth, Reece,

I feel like you have been holding me back!

DOOR OPENS

Oh, you fucking what?!

Oh, hiya! Not now, Amanda!

Fuck's sake, I'm growing a monkey tail here!

I just feel, as an actor,

I've not been free to give certain performances.

Oh, that's rubbish! It's not rubbish!

I get overlooked for so many things

cos we come as a package!

"The boys! Steve and Reece."

I want to be me in something in my own right!

Well, you did Death In Paradise.

I'm not talking about fucking Death In Paradise!

I'm talking about big American things

with a seven-series character arc,

not these little half-hour nothings.

Every fourth one a dud.

Look, I told you I don't begrudge you that.

I don't care about the job.

I care about me and you, if you can imagine that.

I'm not going to see you for seven years.

That's all I'm thinking about.

Who am I going to sit in a stupid little office

and have a laugh with? When I come in

in the morning with two coffees,

and you're lying on the floor

with a pen sticking out of your ear pretending to be dead,

and we cry laughing about it for ten minutes -

I'm going to miss that!

Yeah, well, that joke hasn't been funny for years.

Not since Psychoville.

Yeah, well, whatever.

I'm just saying I'm going to miss you!

You're my best friend.

Are you quoting Merrily, Merrily now?

No! I mean it.

I was so frightened when you collapsed.

Or fucking pretended to collapse.

I thought you were going to die and I was going to lose you,

and now I am going to lose you,

and I've barely got any real friends as it is.

Reece,

we've been working together so long now...

..I don't even know if we are friends any more.

DOOR OPENS

HUBBUB

Oh, there you are!

Oh, sorry, am I interrupting something?

No.

CLEARS THROAT

It doesn't matter.

Just to let you know,

we're watching the film now, so if you want to...

Sure. Yeah, thanks.

MUFFLED APPLAUSE

DOOR OPENS

SENTIMENTAL MUSIC

I'm just going to grab a drink. Yeah.

No, no, this isn't right.

She's charged me for two Cokes.

Hi, Jase.

Ah! Hey, Steve!

Congratulations.

I mean, about the Divine Comedy. You must be thrilled.

Who told you about that?

Rosie Cavaliero. Oh...

No, no, I am, I am excited.

It's a new start and all that.

You know, the Yanks, they're...they're so driven.

You're going to love it out there.

I mean, you have to pay for your own cars but, um,

I know this scheme where you can claim it back.

Really?

Er, um, hello?

Goodbye, everyone.

Hello.

Oh! Yeah!

Plodding On.

Oh, no, no, no. The, um,

the next project's focus is a detective drama

called Plodding On.

Well...

SENTIMENTAL BALLAD

SONG CRESCENDOS

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Sorry, say again?

No, hang on, I can't hear you. One sec.

Er, Steve.

Steve, Steve, I'd like to talk to you about...

Yeah, one second, Robin. Just...just give me one second.

..bus episode. I'll come back to you in a sec.

But...

SONG CONCLUDES DRAMATICALLY

Oh, good riddance.

Good riddance.

SNIFFS

CHEERING

WHISTLING

So, it would be like a different case every week,

and we play the detectives.

And there's a script already commissioned.

It's... it's pretty much greenlit.

Right.

And why aren't you doing it with Steve?

Oh, well, you know, we're...

..we're at the end of this project.

We're not joined at the hip, are we?

No, no.

I'm just not sure I want to do another detective thing

after, you know...

Midsomer Murders? Sherlock.

Oh, oh, yeah, of course, yeah.

Well, I just thought it would be, you know,

lovely to work together again, you know.

It could be... Could be really fun.

Yeah.

Definitely.

So, what...what do you think?

Tell you what,

why not send it to my agent?

Then it all goes through the proper channels

and then it's a lot easier for me to...

CHUCKLES WRYLY

Say no.

Yeah.

OK.

Anyway, I've got to go, I just had the call.

Great to talk to you, love.

OK. Enjoy tonight.

Will do. See you, Mark.

Yeah. Bye.

Fucking hell, that was a close call.

Mark...

Mark, you've not hung up properly.

BEEP

SIGHS

DOOR OPENS

CHATTER

DOOR CLOSES

Reece? Are you in there?

"I've taken some tablets."

Stop it!

Are you coming out?

No.

My mum's ordered me a biryani.

Just come out, please. I've got something to tell you.

There's been a twist.

Has it been seeded?

Unfortunately not.

Oh. Fortunately, it doesn't matter, does it?

You've got your big, massive American job

to look forward to.

Well, unfortunately I've just had a call from my agent.

Apparently if I still want that job,

I've got to go back in and re-audition.

Some other actor's thrown his hat into the ring,

and the director's really excited.

Who?

Fucking Tim Key.

Oh.

CHUCKLES

Well, he'll probably get it now.

I know!

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

I don't want to re-audition.

The script was terrible.

It was like a pig wrote it.

CHUCKLES

Course!

What would you do?

Oh, don't ask me.

I'm just stuck here doing my little nothings, aren't I?

CHUCKLES

Plodding On, double D?

Yeah.

Oh, I don't know.

I'm not even sure about that any more.

Won't be the same doing it on my own.

# If you're going to cry... #

Don't. Sorry.

I am sorry.

So, what shall we do, then?

There is a third option.

What?

APPLAUSE

'70s SITCOM-STYLE MUSIC

BELL DINGS