Original subtitles

This programme contains scenes which some viewers may find disturbing and some strong language

It's my sister's birthday today.

I'm six!

She got a new kite.

I promised Mummy I would watch her while we played with it outside.

It's my turn now.

No, it's my present and I want to fly it.

Oh...

WHIMPERS: Oh...

Don't cry. I can see it up there. Look.

BUZZING AND FIZZING

It's very high.

That's all right. I can climb up.

Twit-you. Twit-you!

Hello, Wise Owl.

Hello, Wise Owl.

Twit-you.

Only a fool would climb up there.

Didn't you see the warning sign?

Pylons kill.

Stay away from them.

I won't touch the wires.

That doesn't matter.

The electricity will be conducted

through the kite's metal rods.

But what about my present?

Hmm.

Let's see if our friend the wind can help.

WISE OWL BLOWS

WIND GUSTS

Thanks, Wise Owl!

Thanks, Wise Owl.

Don't be a twit-you. Leave electricity alone.

TAP STILL RUNNING

CLASSICAL MUSIC ON RADIO

TAP OFF

RADIO INTERFERENCE

Twit-you. Twit-you!

CLASSICAL MUSIC RESUMES

DOORBELL RINGS

DOORBELL RINGS TWICE

Oh, hello. Is that Mr Oliver?

It's Derek Blenkin here. I live on Deerfold.

You did my neighbour's bobtail last year.

Dr Pepper.

Sorry, have I got the right house?

You do do taxidermy?

Right. Well, what it is, we've just come back off our holidays

and we'd left our cleaner

to feed our daughter's pet rabbit, Ferrari.

That's the rabbit, not me daughter.

Anyway, she wanted to give it a treat,

and to cut a long story sideways, she's accidentally

fed it a bag of chocolate buttons and now it's dead.

Are you there?

I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.

Oh.

Well, um...

..we've had it in the fridge overnight.

My daughter doesn't know yet. She's only five.

And I was wondering if you could preserve him for us?

Ferrari.

She won't know the difference.

I'll just tell her it's always tired.

My neighbour said you'd do us a good price.

I don't need it all dressed up

and doing ballet like a Beatrix Potter.

It'll just be in the corner of the hutch covered in straw.

You'll barely see it. It's just...

..we're not ready for the whole death conversation yet.

We've got all that to come with my mother.

Oh, thanks very much.

As I say, any discount gratefully received. And...

..It needn't even have legs if that's cheaper.

OK.

Nice to meet you too.

RADIO HISSING

WINGS FLUTTER

SEA GULLS SQUAWKING

One day on our holidays

the weather was so nice we came to the beach.

I want to go in the sea.

Mummy took my sister paddling

and I started to make a sandcastle.

I was happy playing, when a man came to talk to me.

He said I looked nice and shiny,

and did I want to see a starfish?

I thought that sounded fun.

Twit-you. Twit-you!

You don't know who this man is.

He may seem friendly but his intentions might not be.

WISE OWL SQUAWKS

What did your mummy tell you about strangers?

That I shouldn't talk to them?

Exactly.

Don't be a twit-you.

Always stay safe with your mummy and daddy.

Wise Owl knows best.

Mummy...

Mummy!

WIND WHISTLES)

Mummy!

BUZZING

BUZZING STOPS

BOY: It's my sister's birthday today.

I'm six!

She got a doll, a tea set and a kite.

Now we're waiting for Mummy to get home

so we can light the candles on her cake.

I want to do it now.

I know where they keep the matches.

Look!

WINGS FLUTTER

SCREECH

PHONE BUZZES

Hi, Mum. Ronnie?

I'm getting ready for bed. It's only quarter past eight.

I'm calling you between Corries.

Are you all right? Yeah.

I came round earlier. You weren't in.

I've been busy.

I had to stuff a Ferrari.

A what?

It's someone's pet.

Oh. We had a cat - do you remember? -

when you and Joanne were little.

Mimsy.

We got rid of it in the end. It made you wheeze.

And it had this way of looking at you all superior,

like you were just muck on its shoe.

Cats don't wear shoes.

Well, you know what I mean.

Anyway I'm just checking

that you're still coming on Monday.

You haven't been in over three years.

You know what Dr Dinetto said.

He doesn't know me.

He doesn't know anything.

I can look after myself.

I know you can. I'd just like you to be there, that's all.

For me.

Puss in Boots - he wore shoes, so...

Will Dad be there?

I'm not sure.

I asked him, but he might not show up.

You know what he's like.

I don't suppose you've heard from him?

SHE SIGHS

We all deal with things in our own way, don't we?

Promise me you'll come.

OK. And you won't...

..do anything silly before then?

Promise?

Promise.

All right, then, I'll call you tomorrow, sweetheart.

Bye.

I love...

HE ENDS CALL

SOBBING

MOTHER: It was her birthday.

Why did you do it, Ronnie? Why?!

You knew it was wrong!

You mustn't say anything.

SQUEAKING AND SCAMPERING

FAINT FLUTTERING

CREAKING

EERIE SIGH

What do you want?

EERIE SIGH

Wise Owl knows best.

INSECT BUZZES

INSECT BUZZES

FAINT PURRING

This is my sister's cat, Mimsy.

One day he got poorly and died.

CAT MEOWS

I told her not to worry and that he was in cat heaven now.

Don't want to let him go

I wish we could keep him for ever.

But that's impossible.

Twit-you! Twit-you!

BOTH: Wise Owl!

What are you doing here?

Have you children never heard of taxidermy?

Taxi-what?

Dermy.

It's a way of keeping your favourite pets around for ever.

Let me show you.

You will need...

..a scalpel,

some galvanised wire,

a scraper

and tanning chemicals.

Always read the label.

First, you need to peel the skin off.

Make incisions around the legs and tummy.

Then pull the animal's pelt slowly from its carcass.

Then you remove the eyes

with the scalpel.

I can do this for you.

You can dispose of the body

in an incinerator.

Next, use the chemicals

to tan the skin for 24 hours.

This is a good time to play a game

or have a sandwich.

Ew!

SHE LAUGHS

Next, make a body shape from foam,

using wire to keep it in place.

Then, pull the tanned hide

back onto the model.

Like putting a sausage

into its skin!

Exactly.

Select glass eyes to match your pet's

and gently force them into the sockets.

Scrunch and pull it into position

and use a needle and thread to stitch everything back together

and, hey presto!

Easy when you know how.

BOTH: Thanks, Wise Owl.

He's as good as new!

DOORBELL RINGS

Yeah, we've had a change of heart

and I'd like to get Ferrari back, please,

just as he was.

You haven't touched him, have you?

Um...

Is the real Mr Oliver in?

I were chatting to my neighbour

and she said he's a gentleman in his 70s,

so that's not you, is it?

So who are you, then?

Eh?

What are you even doing here?

You'd better not have done anything to him.

Who?

Ferrari!

Now, can I have him back, please,

or am I going to have to call the police?

Thank you.

Oh, dear God!

What the hell do you call this?

It's disgusting!

What am I going to tell my daughter now, eh?

She'll have bloody nightmares if she sees this!

Bloody Franken-rabbit!

You want reporting! You're sick!

LOUD WHOOSHING

FLAMES CRACKLE

GIRL SCREAMS

GIRL SHRIEKS

WATER BUBBLING

BIRDS CAW

MAN: It should have been you, Ronnie.

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

DOOR CLOSES NEARBY

CLATTERING

HE SIGHS

Ronnie...

Hi, Dad.

BOTTLE CLINKS

MAN UNSCREWS BOTTLE CAP

Here.

You gave me quite a shock.

You'll have to give me the money for that window, you know.

Cheers.

You shouldn't drink so much.

It's only a nip.

I've just come back from Pickering.

They had a '70s weekend at the toy museum.

A few of the old buggers like me wheeled out.

Ray Brooks.

Nigel from Pipkins.

One of the Bungles -

not the scary one.

We had a laugh.

HE SIGHS

I don't suppose you've followed my career

over the last 20-odd years?

Did they have a telly in...

..where you were,

or were you not allowed?

HE SIGHS

I didn't do much after Wise Owl finished.

HE POURS DRINK

Couple of theatre tours.

Nice two-hander with Jeff Holland.

Everything was a bit tainted after...

well, you know.

They were thinking of bringing him back

three or four years ago. Computer animation.

It would have been crap.

HE THROWS PHOTOS DOWN

Anyway, it all fizzled out, so...

..I do this now.

You'd be surprised how many people

want to preserve something of the past,

keep a memory alive.

GLASS CLINKS

Freeze-frame of a happy moment. LAUGHS

The biggest thing I've done is a goat.

I spent nearly a month on that.

A little old lady brought him in.

She called him Pan.

CHUCKLES

Probably a witch.

Funnily enough, I've never done an owl.

I don't think I'd want to.

So, are you going to tell me what you're doing here?

Did your mum put you up to it?

You know what day Monday is, don't you?

Monday?

Oh.

That.

She'd have been 50.

Really?

Time flies.

Did you get my letters?

Yes, I had a few.

I couldn't read half of them. Your handwriting's shocking.

Did you never...

Did you never want to come and see me?

Your mother said not to.

Said it would only make it worse.

It's all water under the bridge now anyway.

Come here.

You mustn't feel guilty, you know, Ronnie.

It was just an accident.

I don't blame you, if that's what you're worried about.

HE BREATHES SHARPLY

It was my sister's birthday.

GIRL: I'm six!

She got a doll,

a tea set and a kite.

Now we're waiting for Mummy to come home

so we can light the candles on her cake.

I want to do it now.

I know where they keep the matches.

Look! You shouldn't play with matches, Joanne.

Isn't that right, Wise Owl?

SNORING

Wise Owl? What?!

Joanne wants to light her candles

but I told her it's dangerous.

Twit-you!

What does it say on the box?

Can't you read?

"Safety matches."

Exactly!

They're safe.

If she wants to light her candles, let her light them.

It's her birthday.

Thanks, Wise Owl.

Are you sure we shouldn't wait for Mummy?

"Are you sure we shouldn't wait for Mummy?"

Why do you have to ask permission for everything?

Grow some balls, Ronnie, for fuck's sake!

SHE GASPS

He said "balls".

But... Wise Owl's always right, remember?

Now, come on...

BOTTLE SMASHES

..let's leave Joanne

to make her wish.

You're coming upstairs with me.

I'd rather stay here.

Wise Owl knows best.

JOANNE GIGGLES

MATCH FLARES

Now, what?

In there.

DOOR CREAKS

Sit down. Ronnie...

Sit...down!

RONNIE BREATHES QUICKLY

Why did you let me take the blame?

Oh, let's not dredge up the past.

You said you were on your way home

from the pub when you saw the house on fire.

You said you climbed in through a window

and you rescued me.

You were the hero.

But that's not true, is it?

You were in here.

With me.

I think you're remembering it wrong, son.

I don't think so.

I had a career to protect.

I was the voice of the public information films

and my daughter gets burned alive in a fire.

Not very on brand, is it?

What was I supposed to do?

I trusted you.

I always did...

..everything...

..Wise Owl said.

That was just a game, Ronnie.

It wasn't doing any harm.

You enjoyed it.

I loved you,

and Joanne. Now...

..come on, come and join me.

Don't be a twit-you.

Give your old man a hug.

Don't hurt me, please!

Do you want to be put back in that place?

Stop this now and I won't say anything. No.

But I will.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS

Ronnie!

Ronnie! What did you mean? Where are you going?

To see Mum.

HE BREATHES QUICKLY

I'm going to tell her.

T-Tell her... Tell her what exactly?

Everything.

No, no, no. Stop the night here.

Let's just talk some more.

You can't go.

Ronnie! You mustn't say anything.

Wise Owl won't let you.

AS WISE OWL: And we must always do what Wise Owl says...

..mustn't we?

Not any more.

Ronnie, stop!

Twit-you!

Twit-you!

Twit-you! Twit-you!

Get stuffed.