All language subtitles for Inside No. 9 S07E02 Mr King

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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,040 This programme contains scenes which some viewers may find disturbing and scenes of nudity. 2 00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:10,800 CHILDREN CHATTER 3 00:00:10,800 --> 00:00:15,120 SCHOOL BELL RINGS 4 00:00:15,120 --> 00:00:17,280 - Bore da, dosbarth naw. 5 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:22,120 - STUDENTS: - Bore da, Mr Edwards. 6 00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:24,520 - Dyma'ch athro newydd Mr Curtis 7 00:00:24,520 --> 00:00:27,400 ac mae'n mynd I'ch dysgu chi yn Saesneg. 8 00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:28,640 - STUDENTS GROAN 9 00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:29,720 - I was telling them 10 00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:31,960 you're going to be taking all your lessons in English, 11 00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:34,040 which is a very important skill 12 00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:35,880 for those adventurers amongst you 13 00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:37,360 who might be thinking about leaving 14 00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:40,080 the village in the future. 15 00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:42,640 Mr Curtis used to teach at a school in London 16 00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:44,760 so I'm sure he'll have all sorts of exciting stories 17 00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:46,160 to tell us. 18 00:00:46,160 --> 00:00:48,640 They pay £2 for a coffee, don't they? 19 00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:49,840 - And the rest. 20 00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:52,480 - Oh, dearie me, imagine that! 21 00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:54,080 Now, as you all know, 22 00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:56,600 your previous teacher, Mr King, had to leave us 23 00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:58,120 after a wonderful year. 24 00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:00,240 - STUDENTS GROAN 25 00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:00,240 - I know, I know. 26 00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:02,840 But he has sent us this postcard from his travels, 27 00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:04,680 and I wondered if one of you 28 00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:06,720 would like to read it to the class. 29 00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:08,200 - Me! Me. 30 00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:12,560 - Ceri, would you care to do the honours? 31 00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:15,680 Good girl. 32 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:24,560 - "Dear Class 9, greetings from down under. 33 00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:26,200 "I'm having an amazing time 34 00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:30,760 "and I'm thinking of you, as you start your next chapter. 35 00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:33,920 "I cherish the memory of our time together 36 00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:36,280 "and getting to know all of you so closely. 37 00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:39,080 "Much love, Mr King." 38 00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:41,760 - MR EDWARDS EXCLAIMS JOYFULLY 39 00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:44,160 - What a man! 40 00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:46,880 What a teacher, what a man. 41 00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:49,800 Anyway, back down to reality. 42 00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:52,800 Mr Curtis, over to you. 43 00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:54,680 - Thank you, Headmaster. 44 00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:56,800 So, here's a question - 45 00:01:56,800 --> 00:02:00,960 what's the difference between me and Pinocchio? 46 00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:04,800 I'm glad to be in Wales. 47 00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:17,600 - Ah, now that is because Pinocchio was eaten by a whale. 48 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:19,000 Have I got that right, Mr Curtis? 49 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:22,080 - Yes, it was just a joke. 50 00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:23,240 - Oh. 51 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:25,840 It was a joke, Class 9. 52 00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:28,680 A joke. 53 00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:30,960 - WHISPERS: - Carry on. 54 00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:36,440 - So, as you all know, 55 00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:39,600 our end-of-term assembly is going to be all about 56 00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:43,080 the environment. 57 00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:43,080 CHALK SCRATCHES 58 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:47,560 So, what does that mean? 59 00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:48,680 Anyone. 60 00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:51,600 Euan? - Erm... 61 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:53,640 Our classroom? 62 00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:56,840 - Yes, that's our immediate surroundings, what else? 63 00:02:56,840 --> 00:02:58,720 - Ooh, fields! 64 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:01,560 - Yes, good. It's any place where people and plants 65 00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:04,800 and animals actually live and grow. 66 00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:09,280 So what types of things will affect our environment? 67 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:11,400 - Oh, human beans, sir. 68 00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:13,440 - What's that, Gwen? 69 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:14,840 - Human beans. 70 00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:18,080 - Not human beans, we're not vegetables, 71 00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:20,560 but human beings, yes, 72 00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:22,960 we certainly have an impact. 73 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:25,520 And we can affect our environment 74 00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:28,120 in positive ways and in negative ways. 75 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:30,680 So, what are some of the positive things 76 00:03:30,680 --> 00:03:32,680 that we can do? 77 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:34,320 Ceri? 78 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:37,640 - Recycling. 79 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:40,760 - Very good, Ceri. Yes. Recycling. 80 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:44,280 Anyone else? 81 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:49,560 Well, who here has heard of Greta Thunberg? 82 00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:54,000 None of you? 83 00:03:56,280 --> 00:03:57,880 OK. Er... 84 00:03:57,880 --> 00:04:00,680 You've probably all heard of global warming? 85 00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:04,680 No? How about climate change? 86 00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:09,200 OK, well, you should have covered 87 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:12,000 some of this last year, but let me ask you this... 88 00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:16,000 What do you think causes hurricanes? 89 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:18,440 - God farting! 90 00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:20,960 - HE BLOWS RASPBERRY LAUGHTER 91 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:23,360 No, don't be silly, Owen. 92 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:25,480 This is actually a really serious subject. 93 00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:28,080 So, for your homework, I want you all to go home 94 00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:30,280 and learn all about global warming 95 00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:32,200 and the ozone layer. 96 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:36,360 - Sir, Mr King said we didn't have to do homework. 97 00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:37,800 - Well, I'm really sorry, 98 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:39,880 but Mr King isn't your teacher now, I am. 99 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,560 You know, I don't know if you realise it, 100 00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:43,200 but this is the number one topic 101 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:45,480 that's going to affect you and all your futures, 102 00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:46,680 so it really isn't something 103 00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:49,120 that you can afford to be ignorant about! 104 00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:52,120 Sorry. 105 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:54,600 Now, I want you all to do a paragraph 106 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:55,960 and bring it in on Monday. 107 00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:57,560 Right, you can all get your books out 108 00:04:57,560 --> 00:05:00,440 and do silent reading for 20 minutes. Off you go. 109 00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:16,880 HE HUMS 110 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:24,520 HE HUMS 111 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:26,320 Oh, Headmaster? 112 00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:28,040 Er, could I have a word? 113 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:29,680 - Of course, Alan. How can I help? 114 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:33,240 - I wondered if you had an email address for Mr King. 115 00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:34,760 - Email... 116 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:36,880 Is that the one with the little blue bird? 117 00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:39,320 - No, I think that's Twitter. 118 00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:41,240 - That's right, yes, tash-tag. 119 00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:43,760 Email is the @ sign, 120 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,360 isn't it? Yes, I think I've got 121 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:47,080 a piece of paper with that on in my office. 122 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:49,360 - Oh, thanks, it's just I'd love to talk to him 123 00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:51,960 about what he covered last year and what curriculum he's been using. 124 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,000 - Well, no problem. 125 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:55,040 I'll ask Megan to dig it out and I'll get back to you. 126 00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:57,360 - Thanks. 127 00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:02,120 - All good otherwise? 128 00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:05,080 - Er, yeah, I think so. 129 00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:07,960 - Have you started rehearsing for your assembly yet? 130 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:09,760 Mr King's were always very lavish. 131 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:12,160 Like West End theatre productions! 132 00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:15,200 - Well, I'll... I'll try and make mine Wicked. 133 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:18,640 That's a musical. - Ah. 134 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:20,920 Another one of your jokes. 135 00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:22,560 Well, I look forward to it. 136 00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:26,280 Always a joy to see the children take centre stage. 137 00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:29,680 We're a small school, Alan, as you can see, 138 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:32,760 and we've very nearly been closed down a few times, 139 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:34,560 but bringing in teachers such as yourself, 140 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:37,480 with all your experience of the world, 141 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:39,760 it really helps the children grow, you know? 142 00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:42,320 - Well, that's... That's all I want, Headmaster, it really is. 143 00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:45,200 - Jolly good. Right, well, I'll get that bmail for you, 144 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:49,240 and I'll get Megan to send it to you as a text. 145 00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:51,360 Take that, Ofsted! 146 00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:57,440 - That's very good. Is that going to be a pumpkin? - Yes. - Great. 147 00:06:57,440 --> 00:07:01,000 With some scary eyes on it. Make sure that your paint isn't dripping 148 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:03,440 when you hang up your paintings, OK? 149 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:05,160 Is yours still wet, Owen? - Er, yes, sir. 150 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:07,520 - Well, put it on top of the tray for now. 151 00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:09,800 That's fantastic. And then, when it is dry, 152 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:11,720 we will stick them all up on the display. 153 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:13,080 Oh, thank you, Ceri, that's great. 154 00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:16,520 OK, you've got 15 minutes. Aprons off, go and have a play. 155 00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:20,840 Walking. That's it, off you go. 156 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:36,360 Ceri, could I have a word with you, please? 157 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:41,680 I mean, what were you thinking? Hmm? 158 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:49,000 Those tadpoles are not going to turn into frogs now, are they? 159 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:51,000 - Why not? 160 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:52,640 - Because you boiled them in the kettle. 161 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:55,120 I mean, why would you do that, Ceri? 162 00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:56,640 - Global warming. 163 00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:59,800 - I asked you to research it, not recreate it. 164 00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:02,320 - Mr King once ate a goldfish. 165 00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:04,880 - Yeah, well, I don't care what Mr King did. 166 00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:06,600 I'm getting a bit concerned about you, Ceri. 167 00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:07,640 I mean, last week, 168 00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:10,160 you pushed Simon's face into his birthday cake, didn't you? 169 00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:12,000 What if his hair had caught fire on the candles? 170 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,440 Have you seen that Michael Jackson video? 171 00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:16,880 Not the one about licking boys' bottoms, 172 00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:18,480 the one where his hair caught fire. 173 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:20,040 It very nearly disfigured him... 174 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:22,720 ..even more. 175 00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:24,280 - Who's Michael Jackson? 176 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:27,000 - Never mind. 177 00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:31,720 Is there anything going on at home that you want to tell me about? 178 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,680 - We're having an extension. - OK. 179 00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:38,440 Are Mummy and Daddy getting on all right? No shouting? 180 00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:40,600 Something upsetting you? 181 00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:42,400 - I don't want the world to end. 182 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:43,640 - Well, it's not going to end. 183 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:46,840 Who said it's going to end? - The stinking rebellion. 184 00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:48,680 - Who? 185 00:08:48,680 --> 00:08:51,720 - You asked us to read about it for homework. 186 00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:53,440 - You mean the climate change protesters? 187 00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:55,840 - It frightened me. 188 00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:57,600 - Oh, you mustn't be frightened, Ceri. 189 00:08:57,600 --> 00:08:58,720 I mean, you should feel 190 00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:01,200 that emotion and then do something positive with it. 191 00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:04,400 It's all right. 192 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:09,080 There, there. Sorry it frightened you. 193 00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:10,880 Now, do you want to go and play outside or... 194 00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:13,680 ..or do you want to stay inside with me? 195 00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:15,120 - Stay with you. 196 00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:16,800 - Good girl. 197 00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:19,800 Good girl. 198 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,080 - Little bit peckish, are we? 199 00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:36,680 - Oh, sorry, Headmaster, 200 00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:37,880 I was just, erm, 201 00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:39,800 just practising a trick for the children. 202 00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:41,880 - Well, that's one way of teaching the food chain. 203 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:43,120 - HE CHUCKLES DRYLY 204 00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:45,760 - I... I just wanted to have a quiet word with you, Alan, 205 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:47,280 if you don't mind. - Yes, of course. 206 00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:49,840 - When you came in for your interview, 207 00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:52,320 you said you were keen to move to a smaller school, 208 00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:54,400 like ours, away from the cut and thrust, 209 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:57,120 shall we say, of inner-city education 210 00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:59,440 and embrace a quieter pace of life. 211 00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:02,400 - Yes, it's, erm, literally what the doctor ordered. 212 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:04,840 - Now, I know it's important we talk sensitively 213 00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:06,000 about mental health, 214 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:08,280 so I just wanted to clarify... 215 00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:11,280 You went a bit doolally, didn't you? 216 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,320 - No. No, I... 217 00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:16,720 It was just the workload. 218 00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:20,200 I was exhausted, both physically, mentally. 219 00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,080 I did lose myself for a time, 220 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:24,880 but, erm, coming here's done me the world of good. 221 00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:26,720 Why do you ask? 222 00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:27,920 - Well, the thing is... 223 00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:29,400 - HE SIGHS 224 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:31,480 - ..an allegation has been made against you, 225 00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:34,360 and it's my duty to investigate it. 226 00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:37,080 - What allegation? - I can't divulge that at the moment. 227 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:39,040 - Well, who's made it? - She doesn't want to say. 228 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:42,000 - So it's a girl? - She may or may not be. 229 00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:43,840 The point is I promised Ceri's parents 230 00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:46,880 that she, or he, would have absolute anonymity. 231 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:49,720 - So it's Ceri? - Yes. - Right. 232 00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:52,960 - So now you've wormed that out of me, can you tell me 233 00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:54,080 in your own words 234 00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:56,720 what happened Tuesday morning, break time? 235 00:10:56,720 --> 00:11:00,560 - What do you mean, what happened? Nothing happened. 236 00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:02,240 She'd been behaving strangely for a while. 237 00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:04,120 She killed all the tadpoles. 238 00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:05,680 I kept her behind to talk to her about it. 239 00:11:05,680 --> 00:11:08,760 - And at no point did you ask her 240 00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:11,280 if she wanted to play the hairy meat whistle? 241 00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:13,680 - What? No. 242 00:11:13,680 --> 00:11:15,440 - And you didn't say, 243 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:19,400 "Do you want to see how sir can make his own tadpoles?" 244 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:22,760 - Definitely not, that's horrible. - Are you sure? 245 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:24,840 - Yes, I think I'd remember saying that. 246 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:27,120 - Well, where do you suppose she's got this from, then? 247 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:29,320 Because I don't recall that being in the Biff and Chip books. 248 00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:30,640 - I don't know. Maybe she saw something 249 00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:32,520 inappropriate online, it happens all the time. 250 00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:34,920 - Not with our Wi-Fi connection, it doesn't. 251 00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:38,200 It takes me all weekend to download one Countryfile. 252 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:42,040 Did you talk to her about Michael Jackson doing things 253 00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:43,280 with boys' anuses? 254 00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:48,720 - Yes, but I never said anuses. 255 00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:51,040 - Well, that's something. 256 00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:53,800 Now, I've talked the girl's parents down 257 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,520 from making an official complaint, 258 00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:57,080 but I don't want to drag the police into it 259 00:11:57,080 --> 00:11:58,240 if I can help it. 260 00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:00,760 We're an independent school and we like to deal 261 00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:02,880 with these types of things within the community. 262 00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:04,680 - What, so this has happened before? 263 00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:07,920 - You're new here, and I'm not being funny, 264 00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:09,480 but I don't know you from Alan. 265 00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:11,640 - It's Adam. - Oh, sorry, I thought it was Alan. 266 00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:15,200 I'm sure you understand, Adam, that, as head of this school, 267 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,960 I have to establish the facts of this matter 268 00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:19,400 before I can allow Ceri 269 00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:21,040 back into your clutches, so to speak. 270 00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:24,120 - Yes, of course. You want me to make a statement? 271 00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:26,320 - No, I want you to show me your penis. 272 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:27,520 - What? 273 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:30,840 - The girl has given quite a vivid description 274 00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:33,200 and I believe made a Plasticine model, 275 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:34,840 but I didn't want to touch it. 276 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:39,120 I need to see if this tallies with the real thing. 277 00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:41,440 - So I've got to do an identity parade? What if it's not mine? 278 00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:43,800 Are you going to take it around the kingdom like Cinderella? 279 00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:45,200 - Don't be facetious, Adam, 280 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:47,880 I'm trying to get to the bottom of this, one way or the other. 281 00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:49,560 Either you're lying or the girl's lying. 282 00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:51,160 - I just can't believe this. 283 00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:53,440 - I can always contact your union representative... 284 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:54,800 - No... 285 00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:55,960 No. 286 00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:58,720 Well, just make it quick, all right? 287 00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:06,480 - Ooh... 288 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:12,960 All very neat and tidy, that's what I like to see. 289 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,000 - What are you looking for, exactly? 290 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:17,160 - Ah, now that would be telling. 291 00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:19,760 They say... 292 00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:21,600 ..they're like snowflakes - 293 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:23,320 no two are alike. 294 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:26,120 - This is ridiculous. 295 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:27,760 DOOR OPENS 296 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:30,800 Oh, sorry, Winnie, we're a bit busy here. 297 00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:32,080 - Oh! 298 00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:34,560 Hello, Mr Curtis, you're here late. 299 00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:36,800 Is it all right for me to clean now? 300 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:38,360 - Not just at the moment. 301 00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:41,720 - Oh, don't worry about Winnie, she's blind as a bat. 302 00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:43,720 It's fine, Winnie, you go right ahead. 303 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:45,360 - Is that you, Mr Edwards? 304 00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:48,000 I didn't see you down there. You keeping busy? 305 00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:50,440 - Yes, I've got my hands full, as usual. 306 00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:51,920 - CAMERA CLICKS 307 00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:54,520 - Don't worry, I can clean around you. 308 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:57,480 I have to save some time to tackle the boys' toilets. 309 00:13:57,480 --> 00:14:00,640 The size of some of those stools... 310 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,720 I don't know what their mothers feed them. 311 00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:05,440 Like airport Toblerones, some of them. 312 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:12,360 - Ugh. 313 00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,680 Are you all done here? 314 00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:19,480 - I think so, yes. 315 00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:23,520 - MR EDWARDS GROANS 316 00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:23,520 - I'll be in touch 317 00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:26,200 once I've got my head around this. - CHUCKLES 318 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:27,960 - Thank you, Adam. 319 00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:39,160 - We were just, erm, discussing a possible arts project. 320 00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:42,880 - Oh, I thought he was taking photographs of your cock. 321 00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:48,520 - OK, Class 9, I'm handing out these worksheets on fractions. 322 00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:51,920 You have got 15 minutes. 323 00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:53,400 Do as many as you can. 324 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:56,080 Remember to put your names at the top, please. 325 00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:58,600 - Sir, what happened to Ceri? 326 00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:00,000 - What do you mean? 327 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,080 - Where is she? - I don't know. 328 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:06,160 Now tight lips, please, Owen. We listen with these, not these. 329 00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:14,120 WHISPERING 330 00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:15,800 Quiet. 331 00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:19,840 GIGGLING 332 00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:23,200 I said, quiet! 333 00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:25,920 GIGGLING INTENSIFIES 334 00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:28,240 What have you got there? 335 00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:30,960 Owen, what is that? 336 00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:33,520 - Nothing, sir! - I'm not an idiot, show me. 337 00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:36,320 All right, who's got it? 338 00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:39,920 Give it to me. Give it to me now. 339 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:45,560 What's this? Gwen? 340 00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:46,880 Gwen? 341 00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:48,280 - Ca... 342 00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:49,800 - LAUGHTER ERUPTS 343 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:51,120 - Carrot, sir. 344 00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:52,240 - A carrot? 345 00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:53,800 Well, why are you laughing, then? 346 00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:56,280 Is it because this bit looks like a penis? 347 00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:57,320 CLASS SILENCES 348 00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:59,320 A big floppy penis?! 349 00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:02,760 - Everything all right, Mr Curtis? 350 00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:07,640 - Yes, we were just doing fractions and...biology. 351 00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:10,920 - Interesting combination. 352 00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:13,280 I have young Ceri Morgan for you. 353 00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:16,160 Ceri, would you like to take a seat? Good girl. 354 00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:21,240 - Everything, er, all right now, Headmaster? 355 00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:25,240 - Yes, yes, all cleared up, no further action required. 356 00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:27,560 Suffice to say there was quite a big discrepancy 357 00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:28,840 between the two images. 358 00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:30,520 In your favour, I have to add. 359 00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:32,760 So, you know, every cloud... 360 00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:35,600 - Oh, well. Good, thanks. 361 00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:36,760 - As you were. 362 00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:41,680 - It's nice to have you back, Ceri. 363 00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:57,720 Just to say, 364 00:16:57,720 --> 00:17:00,280 if you're struggling to find the right answer... 365 00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:03,840 ..don't just make something up, 366 00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:06,000 because that has consequences. 367 00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:08,440 Just put your hand up and talk to me. 368 00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:11,440 I can't help you if I don't know what's going on. 369 00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:13,960 So don't go behind my back. 370 00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:16,080 OK? Good. 371 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:54,920 Oh. Hi, Winnie. 372 00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:56,280 - Oh, hello, dear. 373 00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:59,240 I just wondered if you wanted to take a leek. 374 00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:00,480 - Sorry? 375 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:02,200 - For the harvest festival. 376 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:03,880 I've had a good crop this year. 377 00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:06,560 Nice big potatoes, radishes... 378 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:09,760 My turnips have won prizes, you know. 379 00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:12,480 - Well, congratulations. 380 00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:16,320 Winnie... 381 00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:22,080 What was, erm, Mr King like with the children? 382 00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:24,720 - Oh, well, I'm not in the lessons, like. 383 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:26,400 They all seemed to love him. 384 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:28,960 He was a real star! 385 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:30,200 Quite a dish, too. 386 00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:33,640 - He sounds too good to be true. 387 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:38,880 Well, your, erm, neeps are very impressive, Winnie. 388 00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:43,040 - Thank you. 389 00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:48,000 This is a brand-new Playtex. 390 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:52,720 Lift and separate. 391 00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:57,000 - I, er, meant the vegetables. 392 00:18:57,000 --> 00:19:00,720 - Well, that's Mother Nature working her magic. 393 00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:06,560 - Winnie, I promised the headmaster I'd get those reports to him 394 00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:08,640 by the end of the day - it's completely slipped my mind. 395 00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:11,480 You don't, erm... You don't happen to have a... 396 00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:14,520 ..key to his office, do you? 397 00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:16,920 Please? 398 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:19,320 - Oh, go on, then. 399 00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:21,040 As long as you're quick. 400 00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:23,200 - Thank you. I'll be two minutes. 401 00:19:56,680 --> 00:19:58,040 No King. 402 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:38,840 Headmaster, it's Alan Curtis. 403 00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:41,000 - Oh, hello, Adam, what can I do for you? 404 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:44,440 - I need to talk to you urgently about several things, 405 00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:46,440 firstly about Mr King. 406 00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:50,160 This school has no record of him ever having worked here. 407 00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:52,720 - What's that? Sorry, it's a very bad line. 408 00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:54,440 Something about Mr King? 409 00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:57,160 - The class teacher last year was a Mr Hardy, 410 00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:58,320 a completely different person. 411 00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:00,200 I don't know what this King has been doing here, 412 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:01,920 being given access to children, but... 413 00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:04,880 ..I think there's been abuse going on, 414 00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:07,160 it's been covered up, and I think you, Mr Edwards, 415 00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:09,000 are part of it! 416 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,720 - I'm losing you, Adam, it's a terrible connection. 417 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:14,560 I'm just in the field - I'll come and see you shortly, OK? 418 00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:16,640 - You won't get away with this, do you hear? 419 00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:31,080 Oh, Class 9, what's this? 420 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,440 - We want to show you our assembly. 421 00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:36,080 - Oh, well, I was just going to do quiet reading today, 422 00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:37,880 but, erm, maybe tomorrow we could... 423 00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:39,120 - Oh, please, sir, 424 00:21:39,120 --> 00:21:41,480 we've been working really hard on what you taught us. 425 00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:43,600 - Er... OK, go ahead. 426 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:44,960 BOY CLEARS THROAT 427 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,040 DRAMATICALLY: - Welcome to our assembly! 428 00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:51,720 We have glued ourselves 429 00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:54,240 to the Prime Minister's house to protest 430 00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:55,640 against climate change. 431 00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:57,200 - Ha! Very good. 432 00:21:57,200 --> 00:21:59,600 - Global warming is the biggest threat 433 00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:04,240 to our planet, planet Earth. 434 00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:08,760 What can we do to stop it? - Hmm... 435 00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:16,160 Hey, you! What are you doing? 436 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:19,280 - Me? Nothing. It's only plastic. 437 00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:20,440 - HE GAGS 438 00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:22,880 - Plastic is slowly choking me... 439 00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:27,600 ..filling my oceans and killing wildlife. 440 00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:28,760 - What can I do? 441 00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:31,320 - CHILDREN: Recycling! 442 00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:33,080 HE CHUCKLES 443 00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:34,240 - Take that. 444 00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:37,720 We'll recycle him later. 445 00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:40,320 - Oh, I don't think that's appropriate, Class 9. 446 00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:49,280 What have you done to this chair? 447 00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:50,920 - Superglue. 448 00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:53,400 You're part of the protest too, sir. 449 00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:55,800 - That isn't funny, Ceri. All right, stop this now. 450 00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:59,000 - Saving the planet started thousands of years ago. 451 00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:01,200 - In the beginning, the Earth Goddess was 452 00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:05,560 the one who expressed herself through the many. 453 00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:08,560 - She was the great void, the beginning of all things. 454 00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:11,320 - All souls were born from her sacred womb, 455 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:14,800 lived for a span upon her body, the Earth, 456 00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:17,200 then returned to her tomb-womb 457 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:18,880 at death. - Tomb-womb? 458 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:21,280 I'm sorry, I don't think that's key stage 2. 459 00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:23,600 - But Mr King said... 460 00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:25,360 - Look, I don't know who this Mr King was 461 00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:29,160 or what he was teaching you, but it's not normal, all right? 462 00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:31,880 I'm going to make an official complaint. 463 00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:34,000 Now please get me out of this chair. 464 00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:36,040 - In the 15th century, 465 00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:39,760 Peru children were sacrificed to the gods 466 00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:43,280 to try and end natural disasters. 467 00:23:43,280 --> 00:23:48,720 - But in modern times, we the children are demanding sacrifices of our own. 468 00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:50,920 - What are you talking about? 469 00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:53,760 Wait, wait, is this why you killed the tadpoles? 470 00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:57,120 To try and end climate change? - No talking, Mr King. 471 00:23:57,120 --> 00:23:59,360 We listen with these, not these. 472 00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:01,840 - I'm not Mr King! 473 00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:03,840 - Tight lips, sir. 474 00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:05,560 - No, no, don't... 475 00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:06,880 HE MUMBLES 476 00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:17,000 - We have learned about reusable energy. 477 00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:19,760 We have learned about recycling and rebirth. 478 00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:23,640 - John Barleycorn was the first man to recycle himself, 479 00:24:23,640 --> 00:24:27,400 to replenish the Earth's bounty. This is his story. 480 00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:32,640 - HE MUMBLES 481 00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:44,880 ALAN'S BREATH QUICKENS 482 00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:49,160 FOLK MUSIC PLAYS 483 00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:55,680 - # There were three men come out of the west 484 00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:59,000 # Their fortunes for to try 485 00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:01,880 # And these three men made a solemn vow 486 00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:03,240 # John Barleycorn should die... # 487 00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:05,560 - What on earth is going on here?! 488 00:25:05,560 --> 00:25:06,600 - MUSIC STOPS 489 00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:09,520 - What do you think you're doing? 490 00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:11,200 - We're doing our assembly, sir. 491 00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:13,520 - Assembly? That's not till next week. 492 00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:14,760 - ALAN GRUNTS LOUDLY 493 00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:17,080 - Are you all right, Mr Curtis? 494 00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:17,080 - ALAN GRUNTS 495 00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:19,480 - What have they done to your mouth? 496 00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:20,520 - ALAN GRUNTS LOUDLY 497 00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:23,560 - We were about to tell the story of John Barleycorn. 498 00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:31,520 - Ah, my favourite part. Carry on. 499 00:25:31,520 --> 00:25:35,680 - John Barleycorn represents the life cycle of the field. 500 00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:37,880 - He is crowned once a year at the start 501 00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:42,120 of the harvest festival and revered as the Corn King. 502 00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:44,960 - Last year, as you discovered, 503 00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:46,840 Mr Hardy was given the honour. 504 00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:49,160 This year, the crown is yours. 505 00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:52,560 - We discovered you are as nature intended. 506 00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:55,520 - Uncut and still sheathed. 507 00:25:57,720 --> 00:26:01,040 - A perfect candidate for our new corn king. 508 00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:03,960 - Thank you, Ceri, you did it beautifully. 509 00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:06,320 When his reign is ended, the King is returned 510 00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:09,360 to the land and honoured with a triple death - 511 00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:11,760 drowned, strangled and dismembered, 512 00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:14,240 his broken body buried in the field 513 00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,680 to ensure a fertile harvest. 514 00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:18,240 - Like human beans! 515 00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:21,480 - MR EDWARDS CHUCKLES - Exactly, Gwen, like human beans. 516 00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:23,240 - GWEN CHUCKLES 517 00:26:24,680 --> 00:26:27,280 - You and your fancy friends in London 518 00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:28,680 may pat yourselves on the back 519 00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:31,840 that you've finally woken up to environmental issues, but... 520 00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:36,000 ..we've been doing our bit for the planet for centuries now. 521 00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:39,360 Come, children. 522 00:26:39,360 --> 00:26:43,360 The King is dead. Long live the King. 523 00:26:43,360 --> 00:26:46,400 - CHILDREN: - Long live the King! 524 00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:47,960 - DRUM THUMPS 525 00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:53,880 HE MUMBLES 526 00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:57,920 GRUNTING 527 00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:20,080 - Winnie, we're ready for you now. 528 00:27:34,120 --> 00:27:37,840 - You're going to do my leeks the world of good. 529 00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:40,440 - # There were three men come out of the west 530 00:27:40,440 --> 00:27:43,440 # Their fortunes for to try 531 00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:46,240 # And these three men made a solemn vow 532 00:27:46,240 --> 00:27:48,280 # John Barleycorn should die 533 00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:52,720 # Fa la la la la, fa la la la la 534 00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:54,920 # Fa la la la la la la 535 00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:57,640 # Fa la la la la, fa la la la la 536 00:27:57,640 --> 00:28:00,520 # Fa la la la la la la 537 00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:03,840 # They wheeled him all around the field 538 00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:05,640 # A prisoner to endure 539 00:28:05,640 --> 00:28:09,280 # And in the barn poor Barleycorn 540 00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:12,080 # They laid him upon the floor 541 00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:15,000 # Fa la la la la, fa la la la la 542 00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:17,840 # Fa la la la la la la 543 00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:20,280 # Fa la la la la, fa la la la la 544 00:28:20,280 --> 00:28:23,520 # Fa la la la la la la 545 00:28:23,520 --> 00:28:26,560 # They hired men with the crab tree sticks 546 00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:29,480 # To cut him skin from bone 547 00:28:29,480 --> 00:28:32,320 # And the miller, he served him worse than that 548 00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:35,080 # For he ground him between two stones 549 00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:38,240 # Fa la la la la, fa la la la la 550 00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:40,960 # Fa la la la la la la 551 00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:44,040 # Fa la la la la, fa la la la la 552 00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:46,920 # Fa la la la la la la... # 37991

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