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This programme contains some strong
language.
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WIND WHISTLES
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BIRDSONG
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- Laurence!
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Oh, my God!
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00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:57,480
How are you?
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- Hey, Callum!
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- You're looking good!
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I think the last time I saw you was
this century, wasn't it?
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- It was. Kenzie's wedding, so June
2010.
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- Was it really?
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- Yeah.
- God, poor old Kenzie.
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- Poor Kenzie's wife.
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- Well, quite. Are they still
together?
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- No, no, no. He lives in Germany now.
We're Facebook friends.
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00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:19,200
Are you?
- Well, you know, I don't do any
17
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:21,560
of that social media crap.
- No, I noticed.
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00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:24,640
You didn't want to be LinkedIn, in
spite of several attempts.
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00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:27,160
- Bless you for trying, Laurence, but
I'm too old.
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00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:28,840
I prefer seeing people face-to-face.
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- Every 12 years.
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HE LAUGHS
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- Exactly.
24
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- Anyway,
25
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can you give me
26
00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:35,920
a hand with this?
- Yeah!
27
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- BOTH STRAIN
28
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- It's very quiet.
29
00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:44,960
You haven't lured me here under false
pretences, have you?
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00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:46,240
- Closed for the winter.
31
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,400
A friend of Bonnie's runs it. She let
me have the key.
32
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:51,120
- How is Bonnie? Will we get to see
her today?
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- Ah, yeah. Yeah, she'll be...here
later.
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How's...your partner?
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- Pablo?
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00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:58,360
Oh, you know, we muddle through.
37
00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:01,200
He's doing an online course in fine
art at the moment,
38
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:04,040
which is bewildering to me, but never
mind.
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00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:06,480
He'd have loved this.
- Yeah. Beautiful, isn't it?
40
00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:07,960
Remind you of the good old days?
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- Which good old days?
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- Uni!
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We used to go for those big walks
round the lake.
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- Oh!
45
00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:17,600
Yeah. A little bit.
46
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- So few places nowadays where you can
actually find peace.
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- Mmm.
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- SHOUTING:
- Oi, oi, saveloy!
Brap-brap-brap-brap-brap!
49
00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:29,840
- Oh, Jesus, you never told me Darren
was coming.
50
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- I told you it was a reunion. Hi,
Dazza!
51
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- All right, lads? How are we?
52
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:34,800
Come here! Give us a hug!
53
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Ohhh! So good to see you, mate!
54
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- Yeah, you too.
55
00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:43,320
- Hey, you've still got the old
university scarf, you saddo!
56
00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:45,040
- This is my third one. They keep
updating it.
57
00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:46,640
I think this one has got a slightly...
58
00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:48,000
- And Cal's all glammed up
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00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:50,040
in his Marks & Sparks Blue Harbour
gear.
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00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:52,600
- Er, Hugo Boss, you cheeky sod! What
have you come as?
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00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:54,760
You look like a homeless Shakin'
Stevens.
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00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:56,920
- Eh, it's the latest fashions.
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00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:58,440
Do they not have this in that London,
eh?
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Eh? Eh? Eh?
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00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:01,440
Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh?
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- DARREN LAUGHS
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- Ah!
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It's been a while, hasn't it?
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00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,200
- Kenzie's wedding, apparently.
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00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:10,400
- Oh, God, yeah, course. Is he coming?
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00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:11,800
- No, no, he's in Germany.
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It's just us three,
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like in the good old days. The three
amigos.
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- What? I thought it was
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00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:20,120
like a big fuck-off party cruise with
loads of people.
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00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:22,320
Sorry, have I got the shit end of the
stick here?
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00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:24,080
- No, no, it's going to be great.
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00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:26,160
I've got it all planned. We're going
to get out on the lake
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when it gets dark.
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We've got so much to catch up on.
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WOMAN:
- Fuckin' hell! Anyone got a dock
leaf?
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I think I've just stung me fanny on a
nettle.
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Sorry, "front bum".
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Hiya!
85
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- Who's this?
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- It's me new bird, Donna. I promised
her we were
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00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:45,720
going out on a boat.
- We are.
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- Oh, shit...
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- Hello, hello.
- Hi.
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- I'm Donna. Pleased to meet you.
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- Laurence.
- Hi! Callum.
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00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:58,960
- Hey, it's well nice here, innit?
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00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:02,120
Me mum's got a tray like this. Wait
till I tell her!
94
00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:05,360
Hey, has the yacht got an inside bit?
95
00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:07,840
Cos I'm freezing me tits off already.
96
00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:10,560
- Er, Darren, could you give me a
hand?
97
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- Oh, yeah, course.
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00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:17,840
- What are you playing at? The invite
was for you only.
99
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:20,080
- Well, I was trying to impress her,
wasn't I?
100
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We've only been shagging for a few
weeks.
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- I wanted it to be just the four of
us.
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- It is!
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What's the matter, Larry?
- I wish you'd told me,
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that's all. It makes things very
awkward.
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- It's awkward for me, an' all.
106
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I thought it was all plus-ones and
wristbands.
107
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She's missing her mate's hen do for
this.
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00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:36,760
- So, does this take us to the party
boat?
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- Yeah. Yeah, just, er, jump on the
paedo and we'll be off.
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- You what?
111
00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:45,760
- We're just going to have a quick go
on the paedo.
112
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- You mean "pedalo".
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- Is that what it's called?
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I thought they were called paedos.
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I thought it was a bit weird!
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Right, well, come on, let's cast off.
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Ladies first.
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- I'm not sitting in that. The seats
are all wet.
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- Actually, the cold water
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will help with your vaginal
irritation.
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- Er, 'scuse me, his name is Darren.
122
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- LAUGHTER
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- She got you!
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00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:10,960
- Here we go. Whoopsie-daisy.
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- You ready? Bloody hell! These are
brand-new!
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- You all right?
- Come on.
127
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- Oh... Christ!
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- Here we go.
129
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- I haven't done this for years!
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- Hey, it's great, innit?
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- Going to be like Ibiza, babe!
Whoo-whoo!
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Whoo-whoo!
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Whoa, this is cool, isn't it?
134
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- It's charming.
135
00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:39,520
- Three Men In A Boat, To Say Nothing
Of The Dog.
136
00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:41,800
- Er, sorry, say that again.
137
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:44,040
- It's, er, Jerome K Jerome. Full
title.
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- Only five minutes, and he's calling
me a dog.
139
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- Probably just admiring your puppies.
140
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- I thought you said he was, er...
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00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:54,720
- Oh, no, that's me.
142
00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:57,120
- Oh! Could never tell.
143
00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:59,680
Are you the one that knows Judge
Rinder off Strictly?
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- Our paths have crossed.
145
00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:03,920
- Cos Darren said he's going to be at
the party.
146
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- I only said he might be!
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I only said he might be.
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00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:14,680
- Well, stranger things have happened
at sea.
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00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:16,760
- So, you were all at school together?
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00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:18,560
- No, university.
151
00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:21,000
Callum was a medical student. I was
reading psychology.
152
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:23,440
- Oh, I've seen that - where she gets
stabbed in t'shower.
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I didn't know they'd made a book of
it, though.
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What did you do?
155
00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:29,840
- Er, nothing.
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00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:32,040
I dropped out in t'second year. It was
boring.
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00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:34,640
- Darren was studying, er, sports
science,
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if that's not an oxymoron.
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00:06:35,840 --> 00:06:38,040
- Bloody hell! He's calling you a dog
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00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:39,400
and me a moron.
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00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,440
I thought you were supposed to be my
mate.
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00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:44,600
- He still teaches there, y'know, Phil
Crawford.
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- Does he? Creepy Crawford?
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00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:50,120
He was a bit of a pedalo. How do you
know?
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00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:51,800
- Oh, didn't I tell you? I work there.
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- At our uni?
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- The psychology department.
- Since when?
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00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:58,400
- About eight years! I put it all in
my Christmas round-robin.
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Don't you read them?
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00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:03,360
- Oh, I think it must just go straight
into my spam folder.
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00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:05,480
Bloody hell!
172
00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:08,120
- So, what's it like there now?
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00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:09,600
- Oh, it's exactly the same.
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00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:11,680
The library, the common room...
175
00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:15,320
They even dress up the Newton statue
every freshers' week.
- What statue?
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00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:17,960
- The Isaac Newton one!
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00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:19,480
We put a dress on it in our first
week,
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with apples for breasts.
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Don't you remember?
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00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:23,120
- Vaguely.
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00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:24,880
- Come on! I remember it like it was
yesterday.
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It was the funniest thing ever!
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00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:28,080
- You need to get out more.
184
00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:31,480
Shall we just drift for a bit...
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..take in the view?
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Oh...
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How about you two, then? Where did you
meet?
188
00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:45,320
- Five Guys. He spilt an Oreo
milkshake all down me back.
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00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:47,160
I think he was just trying to get my
attention.
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00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:48,960
- Worked, though, didn't it?
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00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:51,600
- Sounds very romantic.
192
00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:53,560
- Have you been in Five Guys, Callum?
193
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:55,280
- Oh, at least.
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00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,760
- So, are you and Bonnie still living
in the same place?
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00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:01,160
- Yeah. Yeah. Rattling round now, of
course,
196
00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:04,080
cos Alex is at uni. I'm an
empty-nester.
197
00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:05,560
How about your two?
198
00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:07,560
- Oh, smashing, yeah.
199
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:09,920
Yeah, I don't get to see them as much
as I'd like, y'know.
200
00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:12,040
But I've got them for a couple of
weeks in the summer.
201
00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:14,040
You wanna go t'Disney, don't you?
202
00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:16,800
- Yeah. You can have breakfast with
the characters.
203
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:19,960
I can't decide between Goofy's Kitchen
and Ariel's Grotto.
204
00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:23,880
- Not sure I fancy eating somewhere
called Ariel's Grotto.
205
00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:26,360
- Oh, I would!
- Don't ruin it, you pig!
206
00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:28,600
- Pabby and I are going to take the
girls to Cornwall
207
00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:30,040
this year, have a staycation.
208
00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:32,840
- You've got girls? I didn't know.
- Yeah, five and nine.
209
00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:35,880
- Well, good for you! What are their
names?
210
00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:38,320
- Millie and Liza.
211
00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:38,320
- HE CHUCKLES
212
00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:40,240
- We're absolutely run off our feet
with them,
213
00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:43,720
but you adjust, don't you? Your life
becomes about them.
214
00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:45,960
- Oh, yeah, true. Do you have
pictures?
215
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:47,240
- Yeah, of course!
216
00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:48,760
Proud dad!
217
00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:52,120
Actually, I'm a grandfather now.
218
00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:53,800
- You what?
219
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:56,120
- Yeah. We took Millie to a breeding
kennel.
220
00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:57,880
She had a litter of five.
221
00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:00,360
Our beautiful girls.
222
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:05,640
- Oh. I see.
223
00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:08,320
Not quite the same thing.
224
00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:10,840
Anyway, shall we press on?
225
00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:13,280
- Oh, hang on, hang on. I'm not ready
yet.
226
00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:15,720
- Can I have a go at pedalling? It'd
be good for me glutes.
227
00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:17,640
- No, you don't know where we're
going. I do.
228
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,640
- Oh, let her have a go. What's the
problem?
229
00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:21,560
- I just don't want to veer off
course, that's all.
230
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:23,320
- Come on, Laurence, it's not
Shackleton.
231
00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:25,040
She can swap with me.
- Thanks.
232
00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:28,320
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Help me, then!
233
00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:29,880
- All right, there we go.
234
00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:32,800
- Whoopsie-daisy!
235
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:34,680
- Careful!
236
00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:37,280
SHE GRUNTS
237
00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:37,280
- How do you work it?
238
00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:41,000
- You just put your feet on the
pedals.
239
00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:46,760
- Hey, it's fun, innit?
240
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,880
Right, let's get to this party!
241
00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:53,800
Woohoo!
242
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,240
Fuckin' hell.
243
00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:08,440
This is hard work, innit?
244
00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:10,160
It's like a spin class.
245
00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:12,160
How long have I been doing it?
246
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:14,840
- Two minutes.
247
00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:17,080
- Ohhh! Sweating cobs!
248
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:19,760
Can't have Judge Rinder seeing me like
this.
249
00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:21,760
Will there be cabins on the boat to
freshen up?
250
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:25,920
- Who wants a bevvy?
251
00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:27,280
Larry?
- No, thank you.
252
00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:29,200
- Cal?
- Why not?
253
00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:30,640
- Do you want them Doritos, babe?
254
00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:52,840
- This time yesterday, I was draining
a pelvic abscess.
255
00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:55,400
- Don't say that, you're making we
want a wee.
256
00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:57,120
- So, er, are you still at the Royal
Free?
257
00:10:57,120 --> 00:11:01,600
- Yeah, head of obs and gynae now,
which is quite a responsibility.
258
00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:03,840
- Well done, mate. I'm really proud of
you.
259
00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:05,520
- Thank you.
260
00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:06,840
How about you? You were...
261
00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:09,800
..teaching PE in some god-awful
school, weren't you?
262
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:12,560
- Supply, yeah. I jacked it in,
though.
263
00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:14,600
Kids can be cruel little fuckers.
264
00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,040
- I was. I was a total bitch.
265
00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:18,480
Calmed down a lot now.
266
00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:25,560
- Are you actually pedalling, or...?
267
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:27,840
- I'm doing it!
268
00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:29,160
- What are you up to now?
269
00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:31,920
- Oh, this and that, y'know.
- Tell him!
270
00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:33,280
Don't be embarrassed.
271
00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:34,520
- Well...
272
00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:36,720
..I'm a children's author.
273
00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:41,320
- Really? Congratulations! Are you
published?
274
00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:43,800
- No, not yet, no. Er, still at the
development stage, y'know,
275
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:45,160
mapping out the structure, an' that.
276
00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:46,920
- Tell him your idea. It's brilliant.
277
00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:48,120
- No!
278
00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:49,440
- Go on, have confidence in it.
279
00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:50,640
- DARREN SIGHS
280
00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:54,280
- All right, well, basically, it's
like a hardback book,
281
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:56,760
and on the first page there'll be a
picture of a ball
282
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:59,480
and on the opposite page the word
"ball".
283
00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:01,120
So, you turn the page, and there'll be
284
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:03,280
a picture of a boy and on the opposite
page the word...
285
00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:05,760
- "Boy."
- Have I told you about it already?
286
00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:08,120
- No. Carry on.
287
00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:10,840
- So on the next page there'll be a
boy and a ball, and it'd say
288
00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:13,520
something like, "Boy got ball," or,
"Boy play with ball."
289
00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:15,240
I haven't really worked it all out
yet.
290
00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:19,080
- So it's like baby's first words.
291
00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:22,720
- Yeah, but with a story gradually
developing out of it.
292
00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:24,920
- I've read it twice. Made me cry.
293
00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:28,520
- LAUGHS:
- Sorry, Darren, this isn't an
authored book,
294
00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:30,800
is it? It's just words and pictures.
295
00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:33,000
- Well, like I say, it's early days.
296
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:34,360
I think people will buy it.
297
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,720
- They are buying it! It already
exists.
298
00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:38,920
It's hardly going to make you into the
next JK Rowling,
299
00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:40,640
is it?
- All right, Callum,
300
00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:42,600
you don't have to shoot it down in
flames.
301
00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:45,200
We can't all be elbow-deep in fannies
every day.
302
00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:46,800
- Can we not talk like that, please?
303
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:49,200
- I could be where you are now, top of
me tree, on a good wage,
304
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:51,480
but I never had the chance, did I? If
I'd have graduated,
305
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:53,240
I could've made something of meself.
306
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:54,640
- Could've been a contender?
- Yes!
307
00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:56,080
- Yeah. In sports science?
308
00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:57,600
Give me a break!
- Leave it, Callum!
309
00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:59,040
- You can't possibly compare
310
00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:01,240
me doing seven years of medical
training
311
00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:02,360
to you playing rounders
312
00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:04,680
and learning about Lucozade.
- I was good at it.
313
00:13:04,680 --> 00:13:06,560
- Really?
- Yes.
- So why did you drop out, then?
314
00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:08,400
- I'll drop you out in a minute!
315
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:09,480
- That's enough!
316
00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:11,000
I didn't invite you both here today
317
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,760
just so you could open up old wounds.
318
00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:15,880
I wanted it to be a celebration
of...who we used to be.
319
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:17,760
- As opposed to who we are?
320
00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:21,200
Uni was 30 years ago, Laurence. Move
on!
321
00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:29,280
- SHE THUDS PEDALS
322
00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:37,720
- Sorry, I think something's happened.
Why's it not going?
323
00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:38,760
- What?
324
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:41,160
- Pedals are stuck.
325
00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:43,600
- Er... All right, try going backward.
326
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:50,280
- We're tangled up in all these weeds,
look. They're everywhere.
327
00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:53,560
- Oh, for Christ's sake! This is all
your fault!
328
00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:55,000
Why didn't you look where we were
going?
329
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,480
- What do you mean, look where I was
going?
330
00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:57,760
We're on an empty lake, mate!
331
00:13:57,760 --> 00:13:59,480
- Yes, which makes it even more
idiotic!
332
00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:01,240
- Don't blame her, Laurence. It was an
accident.
333
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:02,520
- Keep waggling the pedals.
334
00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:04,720
- She wasn't even meant to be here!
335
00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:06,560
- Er, excuse me, I was invited to this
party by Darren.
336
00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:08,200
- For God's sake, there is no party!
337
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,080
This was supposed to be a reunion of
three friends
338
00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:12,120
from university. I wanted everything
to be perfect.
339
00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:13,880
You've managed to ruin it!
340
00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:18,320
- Darren, is that true?
341
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:22,880
- I cocked up, didn't I?
342
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:26,240
I didn't read the invite properly.
This is it.
343
00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:29,520
This...is the party.
344
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,200
- So, what, Judge Rinder's not even
coming?
345
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:34,960
- Doubtful.
346
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:36,720
- I'm missing Gemma's hen night for
this?
347
00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:38,120
They'll have a stripper
348
00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:40,040
helicoptering all over them now in
Sugar Hut
349
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:41,920
while we're playing Swallows And
fucking Amazons.
350
00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:43,680
- Soz, babe. I'll make it up to you.
351
00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:45,760
- Oh, shove it up your arse!
352
00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:50,880
- So, I think that's everyone fallen
out with everyone.
353
00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:52,920
Reunion 101.
354
00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:57,360
What are we going to do now?
355
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:05,240
- BIRDS CALL
356
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:29,400
- # Row, row, row your boat
357
00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:33,560
# Gently down the stream
358
00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:36,560
# Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
359
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,200
- # Life is but a dream
360
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:41,520
- # Row, row, row your boat
361
00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:43,600
# Gently to the shore
362
00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:46,720
# If you see a lion there
363
00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:49,040
# Don't forget to roar... # Roarrrr!
364
00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:51,280
# Row, row, row your... #
365
00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:52,880
- Please stop.
366
00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:56,840
- Fine. So, what are you going to do?
Just sit here
367
00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:58,560
and wait for someone to find us? Is
that your plan?
368
00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:00,560
- Yes.
369
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,560
I told you, I saw someone earlier over
there.
370
00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:04,280
Probably a fisherman.
371
00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:06,640
- Well, it's going to be dark in half
an hour.
372
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:08,000
That's all I'm saying.
373
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,600
- Can't one of us go under and
untangle the pedals?
374
00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:13,160
- Not recommended. The water's
freezing.
375
00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:14,800
You'd have hypothermia within 20
minutes.
376
00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:15,920
- Right, well, I'm sorry,
377
00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:17,720
but you're all going to need to look
over there.
378
00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:19,280
- Why? Have you seen someone?
379
00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:21,120
- No, because I need to do a wee.
380
00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:22,400
- Oh, no, are you serious?
381
00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:25,360
- Yes! I've been busting for ages.
382
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:27,560
It's all the tinkling of the water.
383
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,560
Well, talk amongst yourselves. I don't
want you listening to it.
384
00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:36,400
- Good idea, actually. Might kill off
some of the weeds.
385
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:37,560
- It's not acid!
386
00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:39,600
- SHE FARTS
387
00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:39,600
- Oh! Bonus ball.
388
00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:42,200
- I like her.
389
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:46,440
- This is the story of my life.
390
00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:49,000
- What, listening to a woman pissing
off a paedo?
391
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,040
- Pedalo.
- No, being stuck.
392
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:53,920
When we graduated, I stayed in the
area, married Bonnie,
393
00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:55,960
did a PGCE.
394
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:58,040
Next thing, I'm back teaching the same
course
395
00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:59,240
I just graduated from.
396
00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:02,680
You've all moved on and had lives.
397
00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:04,480
I'm still living in 1989.
398
00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:08,720
- I wouldn't worry about it, Larry.
You've not missed much.
399
00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:11,720
Although Game Of Thrones was pretty
good.
400
00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:14,720
Even then, they ruined the ending.
401
00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:19,440
- Well, I'm not going to do that.
402
00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:22,760
- All right, I'm done. You can turn
round now.
403
00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:26,360
Oof! Do you think that's why they say,
"Relieve yourself,"
404
00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:28,320
cos you're relieved you've not pissed
your pants?
405
00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:31,840
- Oh, come on! This is ridiculous!
406
00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:33,560
I thought you said Bonnie was going to
be here.
407
00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:35,000
- She is.
- Well, call her.
408
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:37,520
Tell her to come early.
- There's no signal.
409
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:39,280
- Well, can't we all just check again?
410
00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:40,760
- Yeah, I'm sure I had a couple of
bars earlier.
411
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:42,120
Is she still on the same number?
412
00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:43,840
- What network are you on?
- Give us your phone, Larry.
413
00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:45,520
- No.
- Give it to us!
- There's no point.
414
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:48,040
- Why not?!
- Because Bonnie's dead!
415
00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:54,920
- What?
416
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:57,600
- She's dead. She died.
417
00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:00,400
A year ago.
418
00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:06,840
It was a short illness.
419
00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:08,600
And she was very brave.
420
00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:16,240
She's in here.
421
00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:18,440
- Sorry, is...?
422
00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:20,800
Is Bonnie a...guinea pig?
423
00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:26,800
- No.
424
00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:36,560
She was my wife.
425
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:43,680
- I just got confused cos of him and
his...dog daughters.
426
00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:48,040
- I'm really sorry, mate.
427
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:49,800
Why didn't you tell us?
428
00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:52,360
- I wanted to.
429
00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:54,880
I didn't know how.
430
00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:58,400
I wanted to see you face-to-face.
431
00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:00,400
It's not the sort of thing you can say
in an email
432
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:01,960
or round-robin.
433
00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:08,240
A week went by, and then a month, and
then, in the end...
434
00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:17,240
That's why I...I wanted... to have you
both here today,
435
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:18,920
one year on.
436
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:18,920
HE SNIFFS
437
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:25,640
You were there when we met, you were
there when we married.
438
00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:30,400
I wanted you to be there for the final
goodbye....
439
00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:34,400
..because even though I know that we
don't see each other any more...
440
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:41,640
..you're still my best friends.
441
00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:47,800
- So you wanted us to be here to
scatter her ashes?
442
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:50,080
- HE SNIFFS
443
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:50,080
Yeah.
444
00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:53,920
Sort of.
445
00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:56,400
- Oh, my God!
446
00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:57,720
- Jesus, Laurence!
447
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:00,920
- Where's he gone?
448
00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:06,040
- Laurence, come back, man! You'll
freeze to death!
449
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:15,400
- SHOUTS:
- Laurence!
450
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:23,920
- Can you still see him?
451
00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:26,040
- Yeah, I think so.
452
00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:31,240
- What's he playing at?
453
00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:34,360
- He always talked about how he
proposed to Bonnie on an island.
454
00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:36,760
I thought he meant the Caribbean or
somewhere, but...
455
00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:38,440
..it must be that one there.
456
00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:45,080
- I can't believe she died and he
never told you.
457
00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:48,200
- I suppose that's what all those
LinkedIn requests were.
458
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:49,360
I feel terrible now.
459
00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:51,520
- I bet you do! Poor man.
460
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:53,680
I nearly cried when he said you two
were his best friends.
461
00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:55,080
- We were.
462
00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:57,320
Used to be.
463
00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:58,600
But...
464
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:01,680
..life moves on, doesn't it?
465
00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:03,880
- Not for Bonnie.
466
00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:09,960
- Maybe I have become too
self-absorbed.
467
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:13,960
But we're all dealing with our own
shit, aren't we?
468
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:16,880
- Yours is mostly dog shit, by the
sound of it.
469
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:18,880
His wife's died.
470
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:22,160
You can't just scoop that up in a
little blue bag
471
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:24,400
and hang it off a tree.
472
00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:30,000
- I once did one in a paintpot and
left it in the cellar.
473
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,760
I was moving house, so it didn't
really matter.
474
00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:42,520
- If it's any consolation, I
absolutely hate my job.
475
00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:44,800
I spent years trying to get to the
top,
476
00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:46,280
and now I'm there, I realise
477
00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:48,320
it was just the endeavour that was
keeping me going.
478
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:52,040
I got to the end of the rainbow and
found the pot of gold.
479
00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:53,640
- HE SCOFFS
480
00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:59,800
- Now I'd give you anything to give it
back and start again.
481
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:03,400
Like you. I envy you.
482
00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:05,480
- Well, it was not a choice.
483
00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:07,120
- What do you mean?
484
00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:10,280
- I didn't drop out of uni.
485
00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:11,520
I got kicked out.
486
00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:13,920
- Really?
- Yeah.
487
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:19,080
I'd done so well to get me A levels,
but...uni was just so hard!
488
00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:21,160
Even if it was only sports science.
489
00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:24,160
Then one day, I realised,
490
00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:26,000
if life gives you melons...
491
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:30,320
..you're probably dyslexic.
492
00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:31,360
- What?
493
00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:35,480
- I've got surface dyslexia.
494
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:40,960
I was too embarrassed to say anything
at the time.
495
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:43,640
But that's why this book is so
important to me.
496
00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:45,840
It's not for babies.
497
00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:47,960
It's for kids and adults...
498
00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:50,080
..like me.
499
00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:02,120
- Have I got to think of something bad
that's happened to me now?
500
00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:04,080
Cos nothing really has.
501
00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:07,200
I've had a great life - good mates,
502
00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:09,600
loving family,
503
00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:11,560
nice little job...
504
00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:16,560
By the sound of it, it's cos I never
went to fucking university.
505
00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:19,240
- SHE SIGHS
506
00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:26,680
WIND CHIMES TINKLE
507
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:35,880
Well...er...
508
00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:37,440
..this is it.
509
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:41,880
Er, it's not...gone quite according to
plan.
510
00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:45,200
Er, Darren...
511
00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:48,320
..he brought an uninvited guest...
512
00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:52,480
..which really irritated me, of
course. But, er,
513
00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:55,360
if you'd have been here, you'd have
welcomed her
514
00:23:55,360 --> 00:23:58,120
with open arms and said, "The more the
merrier,"
515
00:23:58,120 --> 00:24:02,080
cos that's the kind of person that you
were...
516
00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:07,520
..and why I have... found it so
hard...
517
00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:11,040
..to live without you.
518
00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:15,840
Anyway, I, erm...
519
00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:22,240
I didn't want to just scatter your
ashes
520
00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:24,160
in the normal way, so, er...
521
00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:28,400
..I hope you approve.
522
00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:52,440
- Hang on. What's this?
523
00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:57,280
"Ashes To Flashes Memorial Fireworks"?
524
00:24:57,280 --> 00:24:58,960
- WHIZZING
525
00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:00,400
- So she's...
526
00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:17,400
- DARREN CHUCKLES
527
00:25:18,920 --> 00:25:22,360
- I promised you a party, didn't I?
528
00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:24,640
- Now I AM going to cry!
529
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:35,360
- Burn bright, Bonnie.
530
00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:37,600
Burn bright.
531
00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:03,960
- Right, one of us needs to swim over
and make sure he's all right.
532
00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:05,240
- Not a good idea, Darren.
533
00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:06,920
- Well, maybe we can get a signal over
there!
534
00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:09,720
- The water's too cold. You'll freeze
your bollocks off.
535
00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:11,040
- Well, do another wee in it, then!
536
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:12,600
- Sit down, Darren. Don't be so
stupid.
537
00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:13,960
- Don't call me stupid, all right?!
538
00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:17,480
- Stop it, you two! Stop it!
- I'm going over there!
539
00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:20,640
Gerroff!
- Stop it!
540
00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:34,800
- Excuse me...
541
00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:37,600
..do you know what happened to my
friends?
542
00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:41,040
They got stuck in the weeds. Were they
rescued?
543
00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:53,600
Please, we have to do something.
544
00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:54,680
There were three of them.
545
00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:56,680
DEEP VOICE:
- Don't worry about them.
546
00:26:57,880 --> 00:26:59,480
They're fine.
547
00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:00,880
- Where are they?
548
00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:03,680
- On the other side.
549
00:27:04,920 --> 00:27:06,480
- Oh!
550
00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:09,640
Thank God. Did they tell you where to
find me?
551
00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:12,160
- I knew where to find you.
552
00:27:13,360 --> 00:27:16,080
I've been watching you for some time.
553
00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:40,640
- Thank you.
554
00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:46,320
Oh...
555
00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:47,840
Really sorry. I...
556
00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:49,320
HE CHOKES
557
00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:05,120
COIN CHINKS
558
00:28:26,680 --> 00:28:28,320
WOMAN:
- Laurence...
38268
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