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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,440 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:11,560 WIND WHISTLES 3 00:00:14,520 --> 00:00:16,600 BIRDSONG 4 00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:53,960 - Laurence! 5 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,760 Oh, my God! 6 00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:57,480 How are you? 7 00:00:57,480 --> 00:00:58,840 - Hey, Callum! 8 00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:02,080 - You're looking good! 9 00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:04,440 I think the last time I saw you was this century, wasn't it? 10 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:07,280 - It was. Kenzie's wedding, so June 2010. 11 00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:08,320 - Was it really? 12 00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:10,280 - Yeah. - God, poor old Kenzie. 13 00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:11,760 - Poor Kenzie's wife. 14 00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:14,080 - Well, quite. Are they still together? 15 00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:17,040 - No, no, no. He lives in Germany now. We're Facebook friends. 16 00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:19,200 Are you? - Well, you know, I don't do any 17 00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:21,560 of that social media crap. - No, I noticed. 18 00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:24,640 You didn't want to be LinkedIn, in spite of several attempts. 19 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:27,160 - Bless you for trying, Laurence, but I'm too old. 20 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:28,840 I prefer seeing people face-to-face. 21 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:30,000 - Every 12 years. 22 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:31,640 HE LAUGHS 23 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:31,640 - Exactly. 24 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:33,120 - Anyway, 25 00:01:33,120 --> 00:01:34,320 can you give me 26 00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:35,920 a hand with this? - Yeah! 27 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:40,000 - BOTH STRAIN 28 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,480 - It's very quiet. 29 00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:44,960 You haven't lured me here under false pretences, have you? 30 00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:46,240 - Closed for the winter. 31 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,400 A friend of Bonnie's runs it. She let me have the key. 32 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:51,120 - How is Bonnie? Will we get to see her today? 33 00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:52,960 - Ah, yeah. Yeah, she'll be...here later. 34 00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:54,640 How's...your partner? 35 00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:56,160 - Pablo? 36 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:58,360 Oh, you know, we muddle through. 37 00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:01,200 He's doing an online course in fine art at the moment, 38 00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:04,040 which is bewildering to me, but never mind. 39 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:06,480 He'd have loved this. - Yeah. Beautiful, isn't it? 40 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:07,960 Remind you of the good old days? 41 00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:10,160 - Which good old days? 42 00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:11,400 - Uni! 43 00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:14,040 We used to go for those big walks round the lake. 44 00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:15,560 - Oh! 45 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:17,600 Yeah. A little bit. 46 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:21,720 - So few places nowadays where you can actually find peace. 47 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:22,760 - Mmm. 48 00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:26,440 - SHOUTING: - Oi, oi, saveloy! Brap-brap-brap-brap-brap! 49 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:29,840 - Oh, Jesus, you never told me Darren was coming. 50 00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:31,600 - I told you it was a reunion. Hi, Dazza! 51 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:33,240 - All right, lads? How are we? 52 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:34,800 Come here! Give us a hug! 53 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:38,160 Ohhh! So good to see you, mate! 54 00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:40,920 - Yeah, you too. 55 00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:43,320 - Hey, you've still got the old university scarf, you saddo! 56 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:45,040 - This is my third one. They keep updating it. 57 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:46,640 I think this one has got a slightly... 58 00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:48,000 - And Cal's all glammed up 59 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:50,040 in his Marks & Sparks Blue Harbour gear. 60 00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:52,600 - Er, Hugo Boss, you cheeky sod! What have you come as? 61 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:54,760 You look like a homeless Shakin' Stevens. 62 00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:56,920 - Eh, it's the latest fashions. 63 00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:58,440 Do they not have this in that London, eh? 64 00:02:58,440 --> 00:02:59,760 Eh? Eh? Eh? 65 00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:01,440 Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? 66 00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:03,160 - DARREN LAUGHS 67 00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:04,840 - Ah! 68 00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:06,320 It's been a while, hasn't it? 69 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,200 - Kenzie's wedding, apparently. 70 00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:10,400 - Oh, God, yeah, course. Is he coming? 71 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:11,800 - No, no, he's in Germany. 72 00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:13,000 It's just us three, 73 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:14,760 like in the good old days. The three amigos. 74 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:16,880 - What? I thought it was 75 00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:20,120 like a big fuck-off party cruise with loads of people. 76 00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:22,320 Sorry, have I got the shit end of the stick here? 77 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:24,080 - No, no, it's going to be great. 78 00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:26,160 I've got it all planned. We're going to get out on the lake 79 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:27,840 when it gets dark. 80 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:29,520 We've got so much to catch up on. 81 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:33,520 WOMAN: - Fuckin' hell! Anyone got a dock leaf? 82 00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:36,360 I think I've just stung me fanny on a nettle. 83 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:37,920 Sorry, "front bum". 84 00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:39,120 Hiya! 85 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:41,440 - Who's this? 86 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:43,680 - It's me new bird, Donna. I promised her we were 87 00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:45,720 going out on a boat. - We are. 88 00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:49,040 - Oh, shit... 89 00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:50,680 - Hello, hello. - Hi. 90 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:51,920 - I'm Donna. Pleased to meet you. 91 00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:54,400 - Laurence. - Hi! Callum. 92 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:58,960 - Hey, it's well nice here, innit? 93 00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:02,120 Me mum's got a tray like this. Wait till I tell her! 94 00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:05,360 Hey, has the yacht got an inside bit? 95 00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:07,840 Cos I'm freezing me tits off already. 96 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:10,560 - Er, Darren, could you give me a hand? 97 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:12,520 - Oh, yeah, course. 98 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:17,840 - What are you playing at? The invite was for you only. 99 00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:20,080 - Well, I was trying to impress her, wasn't I? 100 00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:21,840 We've only been shagging for a few weeks. 101 00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:23,520 - I wanted it to be just the four of us. 102 00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:24,760 - It is! 103 00:04:24,760 --> 00:04:26,880 What's the matter, Larry? - I wish you'd told me, 104 00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:28,360 that's all. It makes things very awkward. 105 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:30,160 - It's awkward for me, an' all. 106 00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:32,400 I thought it was all plus-ones and wristbands. 107 00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:34,800 She's missing her mate's hen do for this. 108 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:36,760 - So, does this take us to the party boat? 109 00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:40,600 - Yeah. Yeah, just, er, jump on the paedo and we'll be off. 110 00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:42,560 - You what? 111 00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:45,760 - We're just going to have a quick go on the paedo. 112 00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:47,120 - You mean "pedalo". 113 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:49,560 - Is that what it's called? 114 00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:51,200 I thought they were called paedos. 115 00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:52,400 I thought it was a bit weird! 116 00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:55,480 Right, well, come on, let's cast off. 117 00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:56,760 Ladies first. 118 00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:58,640 - I'm not sitting in that. The seats are all wet. 119 00:04:58,640 --> 00:04:59,920 - Actually, the cold water 120 00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:02,040 will help with your vaginal irritation. 121 00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:04,120 - Er, 'scuse me, his name is Darren. 122 00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:07,880 - LAUGHTER 123 00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:07,880 - She got you! 124 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:10,960 - Here we go. Whoopsie-daisy. 125 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:14,120 - You ready? Bloody hell! These are brand-new! 126 00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:16,680 - You all right? - Come on. 127 00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:18,480 - Oh... Christ! 128 00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:20,160 - Here we go. 129 00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:23,840 - I haven't done this for years! 130 00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:25,520 - Hey, it's great, innit? 131 00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:27,880 - Going to be like Ibiza, babe! Whoo-whoo! 132 00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:29,760 Whoo-whoo! 133 00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:35,680 Whoa, this is cool, isn't it? 134 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:36,720 - It's charming. 135 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:39,520 - Three Men In A Boat, To Say Nothing Of The Dog. 136 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:41,800 - Er, sorry, say that again. 137 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:44,040 - It's, er, Jerome K Jerome. Full title. 138 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:46,800 - Only five minutes, and he's calling me a dog. 139 00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:49,360 - Probably just admiring your puppies. 140 00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:52,240 - I thought you said he was, er... 141 00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:54,720 - Oh, no, that's me. 142 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:57,120 - Oh! Could never tell. 143 00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:59,680 Are you the one that knows Judge Rinder off Strictly? 144 00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:02,160 - Our paths have crossed. 145 00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:03,920 - Cos Darren said he's going to be at the party. 146 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:05,840 - I only said he might be! 147 00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:10,480 I only said he might be. 148 00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:14,680 - Well, stranger things have happened at sea. 149 00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:16,760 - So, you were all at school together? 150 00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:18,560 - No, university. 151 00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:21,000 Callum was a medical student. I was reading psychology. 152 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:23,440 - Oh, I've seen that - where she gets stabbed in t'shower. 153 00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:25,840 I didn't know they'd made a book of it, though. 154 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:28,320 What did you do? 155 00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:29,840 - Er, nothing. 156 00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:32,040 I dropped out in t'second year. It was boring. 157 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:34,640 - Darren was studying, er, sports science, 158 00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:35,840 if that's not an oxymoron. 159 00:06:35,840 --> 00:06:38,040 - Bloody hell! He's calling you a dog 160 00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:39,400 and me a moron. 161 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,440 I thought you were supposed to be my mate. 162 00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:44,600 - He still teaches there, y'know, Phil Crawford. 163 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:47,040 - Does he? Creepy Crawford? 164 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:50,120 He was a bit of a pedalo. How do you know? 165 00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:51,800 - Oh, didn't I tell you? I work there. 166 00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:53,920 - At our uni? 167 00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:56,320 - The psychology department. - Since when? 168 00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:58,400 - About eight years! I put it all in my Christmas round-robin. 169 00:06:58,400 --> 00:06:59,640 Don't you read them? 170 00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:03,360 - Oh, I think it must just go straight into my spam folder. 171 00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:05,480 Bloody hell! 172 00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:08,120 - So, what's it like there now? 173 00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:09,600 - Oh, it's exactly the same. 174 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:11,680 The library, the common room... 175 00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:15,320 They even dress up the Newton statue every freshers' week. - What statue? 176 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:17,960 - The Isaac Newton one! 177 00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:19,480 We put a dress on it in our first week, 178 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:20,840 with apples for breasts. 179 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:22,080 Don't you remember? 180 00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:23,120 - Vaguely. 181 00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:24,880 - Come on! I remember it like it was yesterday. 182 00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:26,400 It was the funniest thing ever! 183 00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:28,080 - You need to get out more. 184 00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:31,480 Shall we just drift for a bit... 185 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:34,040 ..take in the view? 186 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:38,480 Oh... 187 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:41,480 How about you two, then? Where did you meet? 188 00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:45,320 - Five Guys. He spilt an Oreo milkshake all down me back. 189 00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:47,160 I think he was just trying to get my attention. 190 00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:48,960 - Worked, though, didn't it? 191 00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:51,600 - Sounds very romantic. 192 00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:53,560 - Have you been in Five Guys, Callum? 193 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:55,280 - Oh, at least. 194 00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,760 - So, are you and Bonnie still living in the same place? 195 00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:01,160 - Yeah. Yeah. Rattling round now, of course, 196 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:04,080 cos Alex is at uni. I'm an empty-nester. 197 00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:05,560 How about your two? 198 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:07,560 - Oh, smashing, yeah. 199 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:09,920 Yeah, I don't get to see them as much as I'd like, y'know. 200 00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:12,040 But I've got them for a couple of weeks in the summer. 201 00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:14,040 You wanna go t'Disney, don't you? 202 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:16,800 - Yeah. You can have breakfast with the characters. 203 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:19,960 I can't decide between Goofy's Kitchen and Ariel's Grotto. 204 00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:23,880 - Not sure I fancy eating somewhere called Ariel's Grotto. 205 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:26,360 - Oh, I would! - Don't ruin it, you pig! 206 00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:28,600 - Pabby and I are going to take the girls to Cornwall 207 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:30,040 this year, have a staycation. 208 00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:32,840 - You've got girls? I didn't know. - Yeah, five and nine. 209 00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:35,880 - Well, good for you! What are their names? 210 00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:38,320 - Millie and Liza. 211 00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:38,320 - HE CHUCKLES 212 00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:40,240 - We're absolutely run off our feet with them, 213 00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:43,720 but you adjust, don't you? Your life becomes about them. 214 00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:45,960 - Oh, yeah, true. Do you have pictures? 215 00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:47,240 - Yeah, of course! 216 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:48,760 Proud dad! 217 00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:52,120 Actually, I'm a grandfather now. 218 00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:53,800 - You what? 219 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:56,120 - Yeah. We took Millie to a breeding kennel. 220 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:57,880 She had a litter of five. 221 00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:00,360 Our beautiful girls. 222 00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:05,640 - Oh. I see. 223 00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:08,320 Not quite the same thing. 224 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:10,840 Anyway, shall we press on? 225 00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:13,280 - Oh, hang on, hang on. I'm not ready yet. 226 00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:15,720 - Can I have a go at pedalling? It'd be good for me glutes. 227 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:17,640 - No, you don't know where we're going. I do. 228 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,640 - Oh, let her have a go. What's the problem? 229 00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:21,560 - I just don't want to veer off course, that's all. 230 00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:23,320 - Come on, Laurence, it's not Shackleton. 231 00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:25,040 She can swap with me. - Thanks. 232 00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:28,320 - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Help me, then! 233 00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:29,880 - All right, there we go. 234 00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:32,800 - Whoopsie-daisy! 235 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:34,680 - Careful! 236 00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:37,280 SHE GRUNTS 237 00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:37,280 - How do you work it? 238 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:41,000 - You just put your feet on the pedals. 239 00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:46,760 - Hey, it's fun, innit? 240 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,880 Right, let's get to this party! 241 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:53,800 Woohoo! 242 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,240 Fuckin' hell. 243 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:08,440 This is hard work, innit? 244 00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:10,160 It's like a spin class. 245 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:12,160 How long have I been doing it? 246 00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:14,840 - Two minutes. 247 00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:17,080 - Ohhh! Sweating cobs! 248 00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:19,760 Can't have Judge Rinder seeing me like this. 249 00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:21,760 Will there be cabins on the boat to freshen up? 250 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:25,920 - Who wants a bevvy? 251 00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:27,280 Larry? - No, thank you. 252 00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:29,200 - Cal? - Why not? 253 00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:30,640 - Do you want them Doritos, babe? 254 00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:52,840 - This time yesterday, I was draining a pelvic abscess. 255 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:55,400 - Don't say that, you're making we want a wee. 256 00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:57,120 - So, er, are you still at the Royal Free? 257 00:10:57,120 --> 00:11:01,600 - Yeah, head of obs and gynae now, which is quite a responsibility. 258 00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:03,840 - Well done, mate. I'm really proud of you. 259 00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:05,520 - Thank you. 260 00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:06,840 How about you? You were... 261 00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:09,800 ..teaching PE in some god-awful school, weren't you? 262 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:12,560 - Supply, yeah. I jacked it in, though. 263 00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:14,600 Kids can be cruel little fuckers. 264 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,040 - I was. I was a total bitch. 265 00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:18,480 Calmed down a lot now. 266 00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:25,560 - Are you actually pedalling, or...? 267 00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:27,840 - I'm doing it! 268 00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:29,160 - What are you up to now? 269 00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:31,920 - Oh, this and that, y'know. - Tell him! 270 00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:33,280 Don't be embarrassed. 271 00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:34,520 - Well... 272 00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:36,720 ..I'm a children's author. 273 00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:41,320 - Really? Congratulations! Are you published? 274 00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:43,800 - No, not yet, no. Er, still at the development stage, y'know, 275 00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:45,160 mapping out the structure, an' that. 276 00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:46,920 - Tell him your idea. It's brilliant. 277 00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:48,120 - No! 278 00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:49,440 - Go on, have confidence in it. 279 00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:50,640 - DARREN SIGHS 280 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:54,280 - All right, well, basically, it's like a hardback book, 281 00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:56,760 and on the first page there'll be a picture of a ball 282 00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:59,480 and on the opposite page the word "ball". 283 00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:01,120 So, you turn the page, and there'll be 284 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:03,280 a picture of a boy and on the opposite page the word... 285 00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:05,760 - "Boy." - Have I told you about it already? 286 00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:08,120 - No. Carry on. 287 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:10,840 - So on the next page there'll be a boy and a ball, and it'd say 288 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:13,520 something like, "Boy got ball," or, "Boy play with ball." 289 00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:15,240 I haven't really worked it all out yet. 290 00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:19,080 - So it's like baby's first words. 291 00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:22,720 - Yeah, but with a story gradually developing out of it. 292 00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:24,920 - I've read it twice. Made me cry. 293 00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:28,520 - LAUGHS: - Sorry, Darren, this isn't an authored book, 294 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:30,800 is it? It's just words and pictures. 295 00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:33,000 - Well, like I say, it's early days. 296 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:34,360 I think people will buy it. 297 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,720 - They are buying it! It already exists. 298 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:38,920 It's hardly going to make you into the next JK Rowling, 299 00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:40,640 is it? - All right, Callum, 300 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:42,600 you don't have to shoot it down in flames. 301 00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:45,200 We can't all be elbow-deep in fannies every day. 302 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:46,800 - Can we not talk like that, please? 303 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:49,200 - I could be where you are now, top of me tree, on a good wage, 304 00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:51,480 but I never had the chance, did I? If I'd have graduated, 305 00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:53,240 I could've made something of meself. 306 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:54,640 - Could've been a contender? - Yes! 307 00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:56,080 - Yeah. In sports science? 308 00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:57,600 Give me a break! - Leave it, Callum! 309 00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:59,040 - You can't possibly compare 310 00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:01,240 me doing seven years of medical training 311 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:02,360 to you playing rounders 312 00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:04,680 and learning about Lucozade. - I was good at it. 313 00:13:04,680 --> 00:13:06,560 - Really? - Yes. - So why did you drop out, then? 314 00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:08,400 - I'll drop you out in a minute! 315 00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:09,480 - That's enough! 316 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:11,000 I didn't invite you both here today 317 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,760 just so you could open up old wounds. 318 00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:15,880 I wanted it to be a celebration of...who we used to be. 319 00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:17,760 - As opposed to who we are? 320 00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:21,200 Uni was 30 years ago, Laurence. Move on! 321 00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:29,280 - SHE THUDS PEDALS 322 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:37,720 - Sorry, I think something's happened. Why's it not going? 323 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:38,760 - What? 324 00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:41,160 - Pedals are stuck. 325 00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:43,600 - Er... All right, try going backward. 326 00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:50,280 - We're tangled up in all these weeds, look. They're everywhere. 327 00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:53,560 - Oh, for Christ's sake! This is all your fault! 328 00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:55,000 Why didn't you look where we were going? 329 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,480 - What do you mean, look where I was going? 330 00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:57,760 We're on an empty lake, mate! 331 00:13:57,760 --> 00:13:59,480 - Yes, which makes it even more idiotic! 332 00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:01,240 - Don't blame her, Laurence. It was an accident. 333 00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:02,520 - Keep waggling the pedals. 334 00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:04,720 - She wasn't even meant to be here! 335 00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:06,560 - Er, excuse me, I was invited to this party by Darren. 336 00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:08,200 - For God's sake, there is no party! 337 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,080 This was supposed to be a reunion of three friends 338 00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:12,120 from university. I wanted everything to be perfect. 339 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:13,880 You've managed to ruin it! 340 00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:18,320 - Darren, is that true? 341 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:22,880 - I cocked up, didn't I? 342 00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:26,240 I didn't read the invite properly. This is it. 343 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:29,520 This...is the party. 344 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,200 - So, what, Judge Rinder's not even coming? 345 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:34,960 - Doubtful. 346 00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:36,720 - I'm missing Gemma's hen night for this? 347 00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:38,120 They'll have a stripper 348 00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:40,040 helicoptering all over them now in Sugar Hut 349 00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:41,920 while we're playing Swallows And fucking Amazons. 350 00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:43,680 - Soz, babe. I'll make it up to you. 351 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:45,760 - Oh, shove it up your arse! 352 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:50,880 - So, I think that's everyone fallen out with everyone. 353 00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:52,920 Reunion 101. 354 00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:57,360 What are we going to do now? 355 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:05,240 - BIRDS CALL 356 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:29,400 - # Row, row, row your boat 357 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:33,560 # Gently down the stream 358 00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:36,560 # Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily 359 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,200 - # Life is but a dream 360 00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:41,520 - # Row, row, row your boat 361 00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:43,600 # Gently to the shore 362 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:46,720 # If you see a lion there 363 00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:49,040 # Don't forget to roar... # Roarrrr! 364 00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:51,280 # Row, row, row your... # 365 00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:52,880 - Please stop. 366 00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:56,840 - Fine. So, what are you going to do? Just sit here 367 00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:58,560 and wait for someone to find us? Is that your plan? 368 00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:00,560 - Yes. 369 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,560 I told you, I saw someone earlier over there. 370 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:04,280 Probably a fisherman. 371 00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:06,640 - Well, it's going to be dark in half an hour. 372 00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:08,000 That's all I'm saying. 373 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,600 - Can't one of us go under and untangle the pedals? 374 00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:13,160 - Not recommended. The water's freezing. 375 00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:14,800 You'd have hypothermia within 20 minutes. 376 00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:15,920 - Right, well, I'm sorry, 377 00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:17,720 but you're all going to need to look over there. 378 00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:19,280 - Why? Have you seen someone? 379 00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:21,120 - No, because I need to do a wee. 380 00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:22,400 - Oh, no, are you serious? 381 00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:25,360 - Yes! I've been busting for ages. 382 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:27,560 It's all the tinkling of the water. 383 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,560 Well, talk amongst yourselves. I don't want you listening to it. 384 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:36,400 - Good idea, actually. Might kill off some of the weeds. 385 00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:37,560 - It's not acid! 386 00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:39,600 - SHE FARTS 387 00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:39,600 - Oh! Bonus ball. 388 00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:42,200 - I like her. 389 00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:46,440 - This is the story of my life. 390 00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:49,000 - What, listening to a woman pissing off a paedo? 391 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,040 - Pedalo. - No, being stuck. 392 00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:53,920 When we graduated, I stayed in the area, married Bonnie, 393 00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:55,960 did a PGCE. 394 00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:58,040 Next thing, I'm back teaching the same course 395 00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:59,240 I just graduated from. 396 00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:02,680 You've all moved on and had lives. 397 00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:04,480 I'm still living in 1989. 398 00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:08,720 - I wouldn't worry about it, Larry. You've not missed much. 399 00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:11,720 Although Game Of Thrones was pretty good. 400 00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:14,720 Even then, they ruined the ending. 401 00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:19,440 - Well, I'm not going to do that. 402 00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:22,760 - All right, I'm done. You can turn round now. 403 00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:26,360 Oof! Do you think that's why they say, "Relieve yourself," 404 00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:28,320 cos you're relieved you've not pissed your pants? 405 00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:31,840 - Oh, come on! This is ridiculous! 406 00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:33,560 I thought you said Bonnie was going to be here. 407 00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:35,000 - She is. - Well, call her. 408 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:37,520 Tell her to come early. - There's no signal. 409 00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:39,280 - Well, can't we all just check again? 410 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:40,760 - Yeah, I'm sure I had a couple of bars earlier. 411 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:42,120 Is she still on the same number? 412 00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:43,840 - What network are you on? - Give us your phone, Larry. 413 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:45,520 - No. - Give it to us! - There's no point. 414 00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:48,040 - Why not?! - Because Bonnie's dead! 415 00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:54,920 - What? 416 00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:57,600 - She's dead. She died. 417 00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:00,400 A year ago. 418 00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:06,840 It was a short illness. 419 00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:08,600 And she was very brave. 420 00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:16,240 She's in here. 421 00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:18,440 - Sorry, is...? 422 00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:20,800 Is Bonnie a...guinea pig? 423 00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:26,800 - No. 424 00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:36,560 She was my wife. 425 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:43,680 - I just got confused cos of him and his...dog daughters. 426 00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:48,040 - I'm really sorry, mate. 427 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:49,800 Why didn't you tell us? 428 00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:52,360 - I wanted to. 429 00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:54,880 I didn't know how. 430 00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:58,400 I wanted to see you face-to-face. 431 00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:00,400 It's not the sort of thing you can say in an email 432 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:01,960 or round-robin. 433 00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:08,240 A week went by, and then a month, and then, in the end... 434 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:17,240 That's why I...I wanted... to have you both here today, 435 00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:18,920 one year on. 436 00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:18,920 HE SNIFFS 437 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:25,640 You were there when we met, you were there when we married. 438 00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:30,400 I wanted you to be there for the final goodbye.... 439 00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:34,400 ..because even though I know that we don't see each other any more... 440 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:41,640 ..you're still my best friends. 441 00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:47,800 - So you wanted us to be here to scatter her ashes? 442 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:50,080 - HE SNIFFS 443 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:50,080 Yeah. 444 00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:53,920 Sort of. 445 00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:56,400 - Oh, my God! 446 00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:57,720 - Jesus, Laurence! 447 00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:00,920 - Where's he gone? 448 00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:06,040 - Laurence, come back, man! You'll freeze to death! 449 00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:15,400 - SHOUTS: - Laurence! 450 00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:23,920 - Can you still see him? 451 00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:26,040 - Yeah, I think so. 452 00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:31,240 - What's he playing at? 453 00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:34,360 - He always talked about how he proposed to Bonnie on an island. 454 00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:36,760 I thought he meant the Caribbean or somewhere, but... 455 00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:38,440 ..it must be that one there. 456 00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:45,080 - I can't believe she died and he never told you. 457 00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:48,200 - I suppose that's what all those LinkedIn requests were. 458 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:49,360 I feel terrible now. 459 00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:51,520 - I bet you do! Poor man. 460 00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:53,680 I nearly cried when he said you two were his best friends. 461 00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:55,080 - We were. 462 00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:57,320 Used to be. 463 00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:58,600 But... 464 00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:01,680 ..life moves on, doesn't it? 465 00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:03,880 - Not for Bonnie. 466 00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:09,960 - Maybe I have become too self-absorbed. 467 00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:13,960 But we're all dealing with our own shit, aren't we? 468 00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:16,880 - Yours is mostly dog shit, by the sound of it. 469 00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:18,880 His wife's died. 470 00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:22,160 You can't just scoop that up in a little blue bag 471 00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:24,400 and hang it off a tree. 472 00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:30,000 - I once did one in a paintpot and left it in the cellar. 473 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,760 I was moving house, so it didn't really matter. 474 00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:42,520 - If it's any consolation, I absolutely hate my job. 475 00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:44,800 I spent years trying to get to the top, 476 00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:46,280 and now I'm there, I realise 477 00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:48,320 it was just the endeavour that was keeping me going. 478 00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:52,040 I got to the end of the rainbow and found the pot of gold. 479 00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:53,640 - HE SCOFFS 480 00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:59,800 - Now I'd give you anything to give it back and start again. 481 00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:03,400 Like you. I envy you. 482 00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:05,480 - Well, it was not a choice. 483 00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:07,120 - What do you mean? 484 00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:10,280 - I didn't drop out of uni. 485 00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:11,520 I got kicked out. 486 00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:13,920 - Really? - Yeah. 487 00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:19,080 I'd done so well to get me A levels, but...uni was just so hard! 488 00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:21,160 Even if it was only sports science. 489 00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:24,160 Then one day, I realised, 490 00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:26,000 if life gives you melons... 491 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:30,320 ..you're probably dyslexic. 492 00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:31,360 - What? 493 00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:35,480 - I've got surface dyslexia. 494 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:40,960 I was too embarrassed to say anything at the time. 495 00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:43,640 But that's why this book is so important to me. 496 00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:45,840 It's not for babies. 497 00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:47,960 It's for kids and adults... 498 00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:50,080 ..like me. 499 00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:02,120 - Have I got to think of something bad that's happened to me now? 500 00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:04,080 Cos nothing really has. 501 00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:07,200 I've had a great life - good mates, 502 00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:09,600 loving family, 503 00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:11,560 nice little job... 504 00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:16,560 By the sound of it, it's cos I never went to fucking university. 505 00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:19,240 - SHE SIGHS 506 00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:26,680 WIND CHIMES TINKLE 507 00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:35,880 Well...er... 508 00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:37,440 ..this is it. 509 00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:41,880 Er, it's not...gone quite according to plan. 510 00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:45,200 Er, Darren... 511 00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:48,320 ..he brought an uninvited guest... 512 00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:52,480 ..which really irritated me, of course. But, er, 513 00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:55,360 if you'd have been here, you'd have welcomed her 514 00:23:55,360 --> 00:23:58,120 with open arms and said, "The more the merrier," 515 00:23:58,120 --> 00:24:02,080 cos that's the kind of person that you were... 516 00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:07,520 ..and why I have... found it so hard... 517 00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:11,040 ..to live without you. 518 00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:15,840 Anyway, I, erm... 519 00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:22,240 I didn't want to just scatter your ashes 520 00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:24,160 in the normal way, so, er... 521 00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:28,400 ..I hope you approve. 522 00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:52,440 - Hang on. What's this? 523 00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:57,280 "Ashes To Flashes Memorial Fireworks"? 524 00:24:57,280 --> 00:24:58,960 - WHIZZING 525 00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:00,400 - So she's... 526 00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:17,400 - DARREN CHUCKLES 527 00:25:18,920 --> 00:25:22,360 - I promised you a party, didn't I? 528 00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:24,640 - Now I AM going to cry! 529 00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:35,360 - Burn bright, Bonnie. 530 00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:37,600 Burn bright. 531 00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:03,960 - Right, one of us needs to swim over and make sure he's all right. 532 00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:05,240 - Not a good idea, Darren. 533 00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:06,920 - Well, maybe we can get a signal over there! 534 00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:09,720 - The water's too cold. You'll freeze your bollocks off. 535 00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:11,040 - Well, do another wee in it, then! 536 00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:12,600 - Sit down, Darren. Don't be so stupid. 537 00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:13,960 - Don't call me stupid, all right?! 538 00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:17,480 - Stop it, you two! Stop it! - I'm going over there! 539 00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:20,640 Gerroff! - Stop it! 540 00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:34,800 - Excuse me... 541 00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:37,600 ..do you know what happened to my friends? 542 00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:41,040 They got stuck in the weeds. Were they rescued? 543 00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:53,600 Please, we have to do something. 544 00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:54,680 There were three of them. 545 00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:56,680 DEEP VOICE: - Don't worry about them. 546 00:26:57,880 --> 00:26:59,480 They're fine. 547 00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:00,880 - Where are they? 548 00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:03,680 - On the other side. 549 00:27:04,920 --> 00:27:06,480 - Oh! 550 00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:09,640 Thank God. Did they tell you where to find me? 551 00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:12,160 - I knew where to find you. 552 00:27:13,360 --> 00:27:16,080 I've been watching you for some time. 553 00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:40,640 - Thank you. 554 00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:46,320 Oh... 555 00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:47,840 Really sorry. I... 556 00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:49,320 HE CHOKES 557 00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:05,120 COIN CHINKS 558 00:28:26,680 --> 00:28:28,320 WOMAN: - Laurence... 38268

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