Original subtitles

Hope you're not going to be drinking on this uni trip?

(STOPS ENGINE)

You ready?

Yeah.

-Got everything? -Yes, I already said that.

OK, OK.

All right, well,

have fun then. Be good.

Yep. Yeah.

What is the matter with you?

I know, Mum,

about the man from Bingo.

-What do you mean? -Don't.

I saw you last week at the car park.

I need to go.

What, you've known for a week you've not said anything, Beth?

Look, I was gonna tell you. I just...

No, you need to end it.

I think you'd like him.

If Dad finds out...

What are you doing? I...

I... (EXCLAIMS) I can't.

(GRIM MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

-Hey, boys! -(CHUCKLES)

Are you trying to stuff my neck, lady?

-Show her. -Right, none.

-How sick is that? -Hey, Lyd.

Who did that, a Dracula?

-A lady never fails. -It's huge.

-Right, you ain't a lady. -(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Miss, I'm literally stood right here. What's the whistle for?

Follow me please, now. Let's go, let's go.

Don't laugh. She always does this to me.

MRS BLOCKER: Whoa! Ester Smygen.

Get those hoops out your lugholes now

or I'll eat them, I promise you,

I will swallow them whole. Watch me.

Ah, here she is.

Snap, Crackle and Pop.

Do you like that? I literally just thought of that

-as I saw you, so... -Yeah.

Right, now, I need the pair of you

to be my eyes and my ears when we get to that uni.

Anything fishy, yeah?

Little birdies come chirp-chirp to me, OK?

Like what sort of thing?

Oh, I don't know. Let me think.

Booze, smokes, drugs,

-aerosols, knives, pogs... -Pogs? What are they?

Heavy petting and anything in between.

And you're both in charge of allocating rooms

when we get there. Thank you.

I'll leave you to it.

Oi, Priest! (BLOWS WHISTLE)

-Get out of the bin! -Miss, I found your dildo.

I know that looks like your scuzzy bedroom

but it's not. It's a bin. Get out.

Oh, my girls!

Snap, Crackle and Pop, what is she on?

No, she's mad.

Yeah. Make sure we give ourselves rooms away from her.

What have you been up to?

Er, can I give you that? I'll be back in a minute.

What are you doing here? Thought you weren't coming.

I'm not. You know, I think uni's for sheep.

Yeah, yeah.

I, erm...

I came to give you this.

Train me on my street cred.

Street cred? Are you 90?

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

I thought you could listen, erm,

if you got on the coach right there.

-Hey, flaps, hurry up! -OK.

I better go on. Come here.

I'll let you know my thoughts,

-my critique. -(CHUCKLES) Of course you will.

Ugh, why am I gonna miss you,

you're such a fluffy dick?

Is it cos hanging out with me

has been the best week of your life?

-Dream on, babe. -OK.

-(CHUCKLES) -Right. Bye.

Get ready. My review's coming.

If you don't like him, you're dead to me.

-Whatever. -(BLOWS WHISTLE)

All right, let's start our future, shall we?

Let's get going. Hop on the coach.

Quickly as you can.

(LAUGHS)

Right, come on.

Bums on seats. Seatbelts on, please.

And just a reminder.

No chewing gum, no hot liquids.

Yeah, on that, let me be crystal clear, all right?

You pop out a little coffee

and you scold the person next to you,

you'll be the ones getting sued, all right? Not us.

-There's no great cuppa tea, y'all. -Banned!

What about a cuppa soup?

Just eat the dry powder, Bethan.

I don't actually care.

All right. Now, when we get there,

remember this, all right?

You're representing this school,

so please try and act house-trained.

(HOWLS)

And if you can behave yourselves, if,

me and Mrs Blocker might show you a party trick later.

(ALL LAUGH)

BOY: Knock each other out.

(YELLS)

(INDISTINCT)

Ring ring, ring ring. Who's that? Who's on the phone?

(CACKLES) Is that your Mum? What's she saying?

LYDIA: I'm literally going to get my stomach pumped.

I'm gonna puke over everyone.

LYDIA: I've got a bottle of vodka in my bag.

Oh, amazing. I've got some rum in my flask.

I've got a little bottle of lemoncello up my anus.

(WHOOPING)

God, do you lot ever shut up?

-What you got? -What you got?

-Leave me alone. -Come on.

-Babes. -Bye, Beth.

All right, you're not getting any then.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

All right.

Who farted?

(OH NO BY BIIG PIIG PLAYING)

♪♪ Oh, no, I did it again

♪♪ I let my mind leak out

♪♪ Into all my friends And now I'm lonely

♪♪ Sitting and sink in the blue

-♪♪ Oh, no, I did it again -Beth?

-♪♪ I let myself inside... ♪♪ -Beth?

-What? -Can you hear me? (CHUCKLES)

-Oh, sorry. -I thought we could go through

the room allocation stuff now.

Er, yeah. All right, yeah.

You OK?

We haven't spoken properly for ages.

-Yeah, I'm good. Yeah... -(WHIRRING)

Doing myself a little frothy coffee here, J.

Would you like one?

Oh, yeah. Lovely. Go on.

Miss, I thought you said no hot liquid.

Mind your business.

Here you go. Space for your cappuccino.

Look at that. Thank you.

Right, welcome.

MRS BLOCKER: All right. Come on, shake a tail feather, please.

All right, guys, eyes over here.

Smell that?

That, my friends,

is the scent of your impending freedom.

Sniff it up. Let's go.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

♪♪ I guess I'm messy

♪♪ I'm messy, I'm messy I'm almost top

♪♪ I'm messy, I'm messy I'm almost top

♪♪ I'm messy, I'm messy I'm almost top

♪♪ I'm messy as a boy... ♪♪

Once an hour I think about Lozza Chapman

asking if Cam's a virgin.

I wake up at night thinking about it.

You're a virgin, aren't you?

-As if I'd tell you either way. -Why do you care so much?

Well, you can't go to university as a virgin,

shaming like, "I'm ashamed to know you."

Oh, someone please have sex with Travis!

-Oh, shut up! No! -Please!

You goat!

Guys, what are we talking about?

Nothing.

Get a grip. He's gay.

Oh!

Gosh, that's... Well done.

I'll be back.

What are you doing?

Nothing, just...

Why don't you come and dance?

-I'll be... I'll be there now. -Oh, Beth.

-Put your phone away. Come on. -No, I'm ser...

We'll get back with some fun. (CHUCKLES)

MRS BLOCKER: OK. OK, OK.

Yeah, yeah. Allow us, please.

Remember I said if you behaved yourselves,

you could see our party trick.

(WHOOPING)

Now, listen, is there anybody here, by chance,

into their early naughties garage?

Anyone?

Yes. Lozza Chapman, girl after my own heart.

Well, hold on to your hats, everyone,

because after this, you will be, so...

-BOY: Sorry, what? -Hit it.

(ALL CHEERING)

♪♪ Step in'a the club and them come a turn

♪♪ And them a watch me

♪♪ Step on to the floor man

♪♪ Then a come a watch me and a clock me

♪♪ Bass come like a trigger and the DJ come and shot me

♪♪ Riddim take control

♪♪ And nothing can stop me vibes them got me

♪♪ Because take a glass of water now

♪♪ Dance is getting hotter now

♪♪ Drowning in the heat and I don't wanna leave

♪♪ Rude girl you know we look hot

♪♪ From we tick the time we drip drop

♪♪ Tick it and a tock and a dip it and a drop it

♪♪ And a rock it my selector don't stop it

♪♪ I keep on moving with the lights on

♪♪ With the lights on

♪♪ So come and play me just one more song

♪♪ I keep on moving with the lights

♪♪ I keep on moving with the lights on

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

bloody... (INDISTINCT)

Keep on moving with the lights on, Miss.

Yeah, I will! Watch me wind, yeah?

(CHEERING)

You think you know me?

You don't know me, Estas Meghan.

You actually don't know me.

None of you do, so...

-(ALL CHEERING) -We love you!

MRS BLOCKER: Come on, stop dawdling.

Move, bed, the lot of you.

Yeah, your own beds, thank you.

Everyone, back to mine!

At least that is still in the corner, yeah? Nice.

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Do you know any funny jokes?

No.

Whoo!

Come on, pussies! Drink up.

Oh, my God, no.

Oh, God.

-What the fuck is that? -Cheers, cheers!

I didn't mean you cunt, chops!

-You good? -TRAVIS: OK, ready?

LYDIA: Drink up. Ready?

Fuckin hell that's rank. What is that?

Oh! Is that mouthwash?

Don't give it to me. I don't want it.

Beth, Beth. Beth. Who's this?

-What? -Two fat, ladies,

Eighty eight!

Lyd, your breath, man. Get away.

I...

One little duckie, Number 9!

OK, OK, all right. Can I get another shot, please?

-Yes, Trav! -Thank you.

-Get in there! -Okie dokey, oh, my goodness.

-Fuck off. -The love bite.

Get it down, babes.

It's comfy.

Can you imagine if they had a baby?

Oh, my God. It'd be fucking feral.

-We'd have to take it straight to Boston. -Yeah.

-But, dear... -Oh, my God.

Hey, you know, erm,

I don't care where your mother works.

Yeah.

I know, she, erm...

Yeah, she... She does actually work in HR, though.

She's just working part-time with Bingo

cos she's saving for a new car.

-I see. -Mmm.

Do you reckon she'll let you drive it?

-Yes, she said she will. Yeah. I think so. -Cool.

Why are you two being boring for?

-Sorry, just talking. -Move, move.

-OK. Watch out. -Oh, all right. Sorry.

(GRUNTS) Ooh.

I think I'm gonna go to bed in a minute, to be honest.

No, you're not. We should play some drinking games.

Everyone, let's do some drinking games.

Shut up, Poppy.

-No one likes you. -You ugly bitch.

-Fuck is that one for? -Yeah.

Their love language is being mean.

Mmm.

She must really love me, then.

-Yeah, she really doesn't. -(SCOFFS)

So, come on, Trav, what's your story?

I know Beth's obsessed with you.

Oh! Are you obsessed with me, Beth?

-As if. -(CHUCKLES)

I'll tell you his story.

He is...

He's really clever.

-And he's smart. -Mmm-hm.

And he's always got a nice perm.

And he always laughs at my jokes, don't you, babe?

How is that a compliment for me?

That's a compliment to you.

Er, yeah, yeah.

and he's really interested in how interesting I am.

-Oh, no, no, no, you're talking. -Oi, Poppy,

Wait a minute, get off.

-Poppy. -Liz? Really? Liz?

-What are you doing? -Poppy. Hand.

Hand bend. Come here, I need to talk to you.

-I'll bet nothing. -Yeah, sure.

Well, right.

Woman to woman,

Stop chucking yourself about flights

embarrassing me.

-Lyd, stop. -She doesn't fancy you.

Why the fuck are you friends with her?

Why are you still talking to her?

-She hates you. -No, she doesn't.

Yes, she really does.

-And how would you know? -OK, now, come on.

Let's just have a little drink and settle down, is it?

-No, seriously. -Cos she's my best friend

and I know everything about her.

You really don't, babe.

Right, ladies. Look, I know I'm amazing,

but there's enough of me to go around.

Yes, I really do.

OK.

-If that's what you think. -Fuck is that supposed to mean?

Beth?

-(GASPS) -Beth!

What, me and Poppy just kissed. It's not a big deal.

(CACKLES)

I fucking knew it!

(LAUGHS) Fish breath.

Thanks.

(INDISTINCT)

Just shut your mouth for once, all right? Grow up.

Fuck.

(MOBILE PHONE VIBRATING)

(RINGING)

-CAM: Hello? -Hi.

Erm, this is the University of Costa, Wales.

We're just calling to let you know that

we've had to pump your friend's stomach.

Oh, my friend?

(CLICKS TONGUE) Sorry. I think you might have got

the wrong number, mate.

So, what's happening, bruh?

Just sort of planning to kill ya after you slagged my music off.

Look, all you need to know about me

is I will say anything for a laugh, OK?

(INAUDIBLE)

I don't feel tired.

Should I tell you a bedtime story?

-What story? -Don't know.

Erm, right, OK.

Say a random word and I'll make it up.

Erm, OK.

Butt plug.

(SMACKS LIPS)

OK.

Erm, right.

Once upon a time,

there was a little butt plug called Gareth.

-He's... -(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Right, sorry, one sec. I'll call you back now.

-What? -She wanted to see you.

Beth.

Right, that's me, then.

No, Lotus, you can stay here, please.

No, no. I've had a tit full. Poppy.

Poppy, take your... Take your shoe.

-Poppy... -Just...

Just give here then, just come in.

Fuck.

BETHAN: I used to dream of this.

I think I'm a bit drunk.

Yeah.

Really sorry about earlier.

It's OK.

But be fair.

I haven't told anyone and I ain't secretive.

Yeah, well, thank you.

Oh, I miss hanging out with you, Beth.

Yeah.

You're too busy with Cam these days.

You and her like a thing?

I don't know.

I know things got weird.

You thought they got weird.

Do you like her more than you like me?

I don't know.

It's early days.

Oh my god, Pop...

Have you been sick?

-(SIGHS) -You OK?

-(RETCHES) -Go to the toilet.

Ow!

(VOMITS)

(PANTS)

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Mornin'. Rise and shine.

Sorry, was I being a bit loud then? Was I...

Know what I smell? Regret.

-And alcohol, actually, -Oh, pups.

Especially from you. I can smell you.

You were a guy giving Beth last night, didn't you?

Did you neck her? Did you slap clams, like...

-Get off me. -As if. In my dreams.

She slept on my floor, so get lost.

Oh, got it, Beth. Your growler must be howling.

MRS BLOCKER: Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, potty mouth. Enough.

Honestly, you all stink.

Apart from you, Peter. Minty fresh.

Vidal Sassoon. Nice.

-Hi. -(KEYS JINGLING)

Hiya.

Could have come and got ya.

It's fine. I walked.

How was it? Did you have a good time?

-Yeah, it's good. Yeah. -You look tired.

I'm fine.

-(SNIFFS) -Dad's downstairs.

We could go and get a curry or Chinese, if you want.

No, I'm going to meet a friend in a bit, so...

I'll just go jump in the shower.

See you later.

Thanks for the hotel, dear.

Oi.

-Get in. -What are you doing?

Get in. Get in the car.

Dale.

We're just nipping out to get some food.

DALE: OK.

-Get in the car. -Mum, what are you doing?

Stop asking me questions.

(CAR UNLOCKS)

(MAN SPEAKING ON TV)

You don't have to stay long.

I just want you to meet him.

Well, I'm supposed to be somewhere.

It's not all about you.

Beth, for me, please,

Will you look at me?

Beth, will you look at me, please?

What's the matter? Why won't you talk to me?

Dad's gonna kill you.

You do know that, don't you?

Then what am I gonna do? On my own?

Oh, love.

I know, I know.

You don't need to worry.

I'm gonna get us both out.

-OK. -OK.

(EXHALES)

(SNIFFLES)

OK.

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

Stop it.

-Hello, you alright? -Hiya.

Sorry, we... We can't stay long.

Uh, no bother.

Brace yourself. I got someone in here who's buzzing to meet you.

She's here at last, Fi.

-Hiya. -Ffion.

This is my girl.

-This is Bethan. -Hi.

Why don't you fetch her the present?

-Sit down. -OK.

Just something little.

Your mother said you liked writing.

(GASPS) Thank you.

-Wow. -(CHUCKLES)

-Cat mad this one, isn't you? -(CHUCKLES)

You look nice today.

Oh. With my old T-shirt on?

-Right, who's for tea? -KATRINA: Yeah.

-Yeah. -KATRINA: I'll help ya.

This is lush. I love this.

I know. It's gorgeous.

Do you wanna see something?

Yeah, OK. Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Is that... Is that a bowling ball?

Yeah.

My dad got me this on my birthday.

-Do you think it's cool? -Oh, it's really cool.

Do you have brothers or sisters?

-No. -Me neither.

-You a cocoa girl, Beth? -Yeah, yeah.

All right. Eh,

you got to show her the back of your snazzy jacket now.

Wait for it.

-Ta-da! -Oh!

Wow! That's amazing.

That's lush. Give a high five.

Oh.

We're back. Grubs up.

Why you all took so long?

I left my, erm, my purse somewhere.

until someone called me to come and get it.

That was lucky.

Yeah, it was.

That's mine.

Hey.

Oh, hey.

Sorry about yesterday.

No worries.

Your loss.

Cool.

-Shall we... -Yeah.

So who was knocking on your door in the middle of the night?

Yeah, that's a funny story there.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

Did I ever tell you that me and Poppy had like...

Like a thing?

You know full well you haven't told me.

Yeah, well, we did, ages ago.

That was her.

Amazing.

Great.

That's all I'm getting, is it?

Yeah, what can I tell you?

I'm a bubbly gal.

It's unbelievable.

Now, basically, she, erm...

I mean, she's just jealous.

She just bust in into my room

to help her pass out next to the toilet.

-Lovely. -Yeah.

What she's jealous of?

No idea.

You're right, by the way. Uni is crap.

Don't even think I want to go now.

Then don't.

750 grand on fast cars and fast women instead.

Maybe I'll come to Marseilles.

Yeah, all right.

You can come in my suitcase.

Ta.

-(MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES) -Hmm.

I got to go.

Oh, yeah, tell me about this tutoring thing, then.

Just got to teach this six-year-old boy

how to say Lex, swimming and ice cream in French.

-Cool. Can you teach me? -Yeah.

For a £12 an hour.

Damn!

(BOTH LAUGH)

So can I see you again tonight, or...

-Yeah if it means that much to you. -(SNORTING)

Joker, man.

So are we like, erm...

Are we going out now, or...

Erm...

Yeah, all right.

Nice stuff.

Don't take the piss.

Hey!

All right?

-Where you been? -Just with my friend.

Oh, yeah?

Better go.

What do you think of your mother?

What d'you mean?

In herself lately. She seem all right?

Yeah.

She getting on OK at The Bingo?

I think so, yeah.

Come on in. (CLEARS THROAT)

Want some grub?

No, I can't. I'm gonna meet a friend.

I thought you just saw your friend?

Yeah, a different one.

-Quick Bake & butty. It'll be fast. -No, I can't. I'm gonna be late.

See you after.

All right.

Well...

(TAPPING ON DOOR)

Oh, this is a nice surprise.

Hiya. Sorry, I just...

I brought a little present for Ffion

to say thank you for the notebook.

Oh, bless you. You didn't have to do that.

-Come in and give it to her. -OK.

(BETHAN GASPS) Oh, I saw that.

You little cheat.

Oh, she's a crook.

Don't trust the word out of her mouth.

-Are all those yours there? -Huh?

Yeah, I'm a bookworm, I am.

Take whatever you like if you wanna read one.

Thank you.

Now, can I coax you to stay for lunch?

Only thing is, Ffion gets to choose on a Saturday.

-Chicken and I get some chocolate pancakes! -(CHUCKLES)

-Yeah lush, ta. -OK.

Right. Let's go again, Fi.

No cheating.

Little Miss Cheat.

-I've got my eye on you. -OK.

-OK. -(GIGGLES)

Cheeky. Right.

Ready?

I saw that.

(INAUDIBLE)

(INAUDIBLE)