Original subtitles

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

I dared you to go in, that means you have to go in.

-No. Why have I got to do it? -Lyd, tell him.

Trav, you've got to stop being such a pussy.

Like, your face has actually morphed into a labia majora.

BETHAN: Trav.

They've got free crisps and biscuits in there.

LYDIA: Yeah, come on. BETHAN: I swear. Do it.

BOTH: Do it! Do it!

Do it! Do it!

Oh, my God, you're such little sods.

(GIGGLES)

Hi, Miss.

Erm, I was just wondering, are we all right to come in?

Who's we?

Oh, but of course.

It's Tweedledee and Tweedledum and Tweedleplum.

Who's "Plum"?

-You. -You are.

MS MORGAN: Right. Come in, sit down. Shut up.

Get the crisps.

-Get the crisps. -I am getting.

Oh, bloody hell.

As I was saying,

before we were rudely interrupted...

Oh, relax, Pete.

Yeah, take the pole out your bum.

MS MORGAN: How is that shutting up?

There should be a means-based system in place

before people are allowed to breed.

If you're on X amount of salary, you can have two children.

If you're on this much, you can have three.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Something funny?

No, it's not funny.

It's eugenics, mate.

Speaker, I've actually got time left on the clock.

-Yeah. -Sorry. Go on.

My point is, as long as we allow people

to spawn children they can't afford

and let the state prop them up,

the rest of society is held back.

Sorry, I'm not trying to hold you back.

Yeah, okay, Cam.

Sixty seconds from the opposer.

Okay.

Erm...

The proposer suggests a salary-based child cap

to relieve financial stresses on the state.

But how do we enforce that?

If a family breaks the cap, do we lock up the parents?

Prison costs something like £40,000 per person per year.

So that's 80K for Mum and Dad.

Currently, family allowances

are £20 a week for your first child

and £13 a week for every child thereafter.

I haven't got me abacus on me,

but that's, like, a lot cheaper.

Or should we start sterilizing women

as soon as they've hit their cap?

In a nutshell, the motion proposed

is impossible to enforce, immoral,

and puts the state in the position of playing God

and women have had enough of white men in suits

policing their wombs.

Thanks.

Proposer, any counterpoints?

Erm...

Yes.

The suggestion that prison and sterilization

are the only courses of action

(CHUCKLES) is absolutely ludicrous and sensationalist.

-(CHUCKLES) -Oh, my God.

Pete, did you just fart?

Oh, grow up.

-Okay, right. Come on. -Smell it.

You've usually got a lot to say for yourself.

Do you think there should be a salary-based child cap?

If there was, I wouldn't exist.

Erm, if you can't buy a kid nice trainers,

don't have a kid, innit?

MS MORGAN: Very astute.

Thanks for that.

-(SCHOOL BELL RINGS) -Right. Okay.

Come on, out. I want my lunch.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

♪♪ I saw this girl driving past me ♪♪

♪♪ Haven't met each other... ♪♪

Are we going out tonight then?

-No, I can't. I'm sorry. -No, I've told you.

My mother's cut me off.

Well, just take money from her purse.

She'd shave my head if she caught me doing that.

-So dramatic. -TRAVIS: Just imagine.

-Bye, Losa. -TRAVIS: It'd suit you, babe.

LYDIA: No, it wouldn't. I'd look like a sucked big bean.

(CHUCKLES)

Mate? Cam?

That was wicked earlier.

-Sorry? -Your argument to Peter.

You got him sweating.

-Smashed it. -TRAVIS: Yeah. Well done.

Thanks.

We, we're gonna go to park. You wanna come?

No, we're not.

I got to go home. See ya.

-Bye. -LYDIA: Bye.

-Why are you rimming Cam for? -No, I'm not.

Your tongue is so deep in her sphincter...

-MS MORGAN: Bethan? -Yeah.

Your mum still hasn't signed the forms,

-for the trip? -I'll do it tonight.

Miss, are we allowed to drink at the open day? (CHUCKLES)

I need it tomorrow, or you can't come.

I know. Sorry. She's been working.

MS MORGAN: You're head girl. You should be there.

Chill, woman. I'll do it, man. You're obsessed with me.

-(LYDIA CHUCKLING) Oh, my God. -Watch it.

Oh, my God. Look at this big dick energy, Beth. Whoo-hoo.

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

KATRINA: Whoo-whoo!

-Thought you'd pull one, didn't ya? -As if. All right?

Give us a hand.

-What are you up to? -I've come to see you.

I need you to sign the forms for my uni trip, here.

Come in and see Nana.

There you go, VIP entrance.

Outside our doors, the weather might be grey,

but in here we know we'll have a lovely day.

Excited you stand by your bingo books,

greeting each other with "ah, yes"

and cheeky looks.

We all cross our fingers and pray to the Lord,

"Let it be my name

"that adorns the winners board."

-Right, that's the end of that. -(CLAPPING)

(CHUCKLING) Hurrah!

-Friends, it's time for... -I tell you what,

he's got a gift.

You should read each other's poems.

-Yeah, maybe, yeah. -You haven't given me my kiss.

-Hmm. -KATRINA: Oi, oi.

Gwen Evans won on the link.

And she gave you some?

Christ, she must like you.

Gwen Evans is a tight old boot.

Dinner's on me, girls.

Now you're talking!

Perry! Look after that, twphead.

-Watch my ribs, man, Marge. -Nan, careful.

Perry, this is my girl. She's going to uni.

-Oh, well done, you. -Thanks.

(SOFTLY) You've got to stop saying that.

I will never stop saying that. (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, my God. We've got to get one of these, girls.

MARGIE: Well, that's me.

Happy as a dog with two dicks.

Yeah.

I'm a burger babe.

They're fabulous.

BETHAN: Yeah. KATRINA: Look, us all matching.

We could be in a band, couldn't we?

MARGIE: ♪♪ We are the burger babes ♪♪

BOTH: ♪♪ We are the burger babes ♪♪

♪♪ We are the burger babes ♪♪

♪♪ We are the burger babes ♪♪

Come on, the pair of you.

You're not even funny, man.

I think we're side-splitting.

-Aye, did you hear? -Mm.

It all kicked off today

between Roger Ruse and Doreen Pinkett.

-You know Doreen? -KATRINA: Wears a wig.

MARGIE: Roger found one of her spare wigs in the staff room

Of course he puts it on,

he's flouncing around, "Hey, look at me, I'm Doreen."

Shoney walks in and catches him.

She was thumping.

(GASPS)

She had him by the throat.

She called him a bastard troll doll.

Troll doll?

'Cause he's so short, he looks like he'd fit on the end of a pencil.

-(CHUCKLES) -MARGIE: Fucking hell.

Rolled.

Fucking troll doll.

-Beth? Beth? -Nan!

Careful, Nan, I nearly liked that then.

But you've hardly touched your monster burger.

You can have it if you want.

Ooh, that's not like you to miss a meal.

Don't say stuff like that.

Do you know how many teenage girls have got eating disorders?

-Is that Dilly? -Mm.

Hi, Dil.

Yeah. No, I'm just with Mum.

Oh, you must be starving, yeah.

Right, we're leaving now.

-Are we? -BETHAN: Sorry.

I'll get him a burger.

You do know he can make his own food, don't you?

MARGIE: He'd been working all day, man.

Yeah, so has she.

MARGIE: All right, come on.

♪♪ We are the burger babes ♪♪

No, stop it.

♪♪ We are the burger babes ♪♪

♪♪ We are the burger babes ♪♪

♪♪ We are the burger babes ♪♪

(REPORTER ON TV) Previous arrests for trafficking

are in central Bristol.

(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)

We're back.

Sorry, love.

Got you food.

Why am I rushing home for it if you're not even here?

Sorry, Mum's been on her feet all day.

I went to get her dinner.

I'll get the sauces. Work all right?

Mm.

(BURPS)

Disgusting, revolting sick prick.

Get your shoes off the chair.

They're not touching the chair.

-Get them off. -Get them down, Beth.

Seriously? They're like one mile from the chair.

Push me now and see what happens.

Beth, take 'em down, love.

DILWYN: Not so hard, was it?

Right, program about monkeys I want to watch now.

-Better be good. -Oh, good.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Problem?

No.

-Say if you got something to say. -I haven't.

KATRINA: Just leave it, Dil. She's in a mood.

Right.

What channel is this on?

-Hey. -What?

-You ignorant little shit. -Oh, piss off.

-What did you just say? -You're a lazy fuck.

That's who you are, a lazy fuck.

KATRINA: Dil, stop!

Just ignore her!

DILWYN: I can't have her speak to me like that.

(CONTINUES ARGUING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(MUFFLED SHOUTING)

(SNIFFS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV)

-KATRINA: You're up early. -Mm.

What's this?

Oh, no. Mum, don't do that. They'll go flat.

-Oh, they're already flat, babe. -What?

Oh, what the hell?

Oh.

Should've used self-raising.

Yeah, well, I know that now, don't I? I'm not stupid.

-What were they meant to be? -Muffins.

Look a bit grey.

Forms.

Buy some muffins.

Here you go. Bob's your uncle, Fanny's your crotch.

Ta.

Do you ever smile any more?

Oh, God, you're gorgeous.

Give me them cheeks.

No, stop it. Get off.

Right, go in. Love you.

-Could eat ya. -Right. Love you. Bye.

-Bye. -Have a nice day.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(STAN CHUCKLING)

You watching?

Lyd, are you watching?

Oh, my God. You're gonna break a rib.

(CACKLES)

Oh, I've got, er, blueberry muffins.

-TRAVIS: Oh, nice. -Have you spat in them?

So, anyone want a blueberry muffin?

LORRAINE: Oh, stunning. Yeah, please.

-TRAVIS: There she is. -Hi, Los.

Give us a taste of your skanky muff, Beth.

(CACKLES)

Oh, my God, Lyds!

Looks like your clit, doesn't it?

(LAUGHS)

More like your micro dick, Priest.

Oh, Beth, I've got a fat, sweaty frankfurter, babe.

-Oh, why is it sweaty? -(LAUGHS)

Yeah, you wanna get some Lynx on that, babes.

What's up yours, eh?

It's fucking wet from all the pussies.

-Oh! -Okay.

(CHUCKLES) Oh! Gutted!

Priest's dick smells like Losa Chapman's pits.

Oh!

Oh, dumb! Pity!

Get back to your breakdancing, mate.

-Shut up, Cam. -Fuck off.

(INDISTINCT)

Fuck's sake.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

-Hey, mate, why are you chewing a wasp for? -I'm not.

Look, if you fancy Cam,

-just ask her if she's a lesbian. -Don't...

-Hey. -Hi, Lorraine.

Do I smell of B.O.?

What are you asking that for?

'Cause I heard Lydia say it.

I know everyone's saying "Bobo like Lolo" to Priest, so...

I wouldn't worry.

-Just, like, ignore him. -Do I, though?

I'm asking you 'cause I know you'll be honest to me.

Erm, yeah, I don't know.

Like...

Maybe sometimes, like after P.E. or something.

I appreciate that.

Cam is a lesbian, by the way.

How do you know that?

I asked her if she was a virgin.

(CHUCKLES) What, out of the blue,

you just asked her if she was a virgin?

-Yeah. -You can't do that, Lorraine.

-What did she say? -She said no.

And she's got an ex called Chelsea, so...

Chelsea is a girl's name, innit?

-Yeah. -TRAVIS: Yeah.

MS MORGAN: So, Atticus shoots the rabid dog.

But is it just a dog being shot,

or does it symbolise something more?

That's rude, man. A dog is for life.

Just button it, for once.

STAN: Ooh, touchy.

You on the blob, Miss?

Because it has rabies,

it's a threat to the community.

So in shooting the dog... What?

It symbolises that Atticus is trying to

protect the community from danger

-of both rabies and racism. -Yes.

-Nice. Nailed it. -MS MORGAN: Bethan.

-What, I'm just saying she nailed it. -Try saying nothin'.

Nothing.

(ALL CHUCKLE)

The other element

is that Atticus gets to impress his kids.

Now, before they thought their dad was just an old fart.

But now they know he is the best shot in the county.

Right. Page 32, everyone, please.

Cam.

I'm trying to listen.

(CHUCKLES) Reject-a-mondo, babe.

Bethan, I'm not gonna tell you again.

All right, relax, like.

Get out!

Sorry, I'm listening. I promise.

No, no, pack up your stuff and get out.

(LYDIA CHUCKLES)

(LYDIA MUTTERING)

Head girl, everybody.

STAN: Shameful.

Did you actually feel like your bumhole constrict,

or did it fall out and it's in your pants right now

and you've just not done anything about it.

It was so awkward.

Are you okay?

I've never seen Ms Morgan like that.

Oh, whatever, Trav. Who gives a fuck?

Mm. I'm gonna down this.

Er, no. Give it.

-It's not all for you, you pig. Give it. -I'm not a pig.

Should I nick her trolley?

-Yes. -Why?

-It's been boring. -Yeah, do it.

(CHUCKLES)

Okay, one sec.

(INDISTINCT)

Oh, my gosh, she's doing it.

Hey! I got a crate in that!

-Legend! -Beth!

Take this, bitch!

Where are you going?

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(SCREAMS)

I'm flying. Jack.

Guys, we're out.

-LYDIA: Oh, that's cos you've drank it. -I didn't drink it all.

-That's bullshit! -It happens all the time.

-You... You downed half that. -TRAVIS: That's a lie.

-That is the biggest lie ever. -You're always the first

-to finish the drink. -Shut up!

You usually shove it down your throat hole.

TRAVIS: You did have a lot more than us.

Shut up! Shut up!

-What time is it? -Erm...

Quarter past five. (CHUCKLES)

-Are you fucking kidding me? -TRAVIS: No, it's ridiculous.

-I might just go home. -What?

Go on, you're so boring.

Er, Lyd, have you got any more money? I'll try and get served.

LYDIA: No, I've told you, my mother's cut me off.

If everything goes well, I'll make her cook for me.

No, what, you're just going to leave me?

It's 5:00 PM, you pair of pussies!

Like, what's the point? We're out of booze.

Oh, we should have deodorant.

-Sorry, what? -Got some in my bag, look.

Er, amazing.

Seventy-two hour protection.

-(BOTH LAUGHING) -Hang on, sorry.

How... How do you even do that? I don't...

Trav, do you live under a rock?

-Oh, I just don't know how to huff deodorant. -Stop it. Stop being so boring.

-Look, watch now, Travis, you'll be doing. Ready? -Right.

What are you doing in a trolley?

-Hey? -Well...

Nothing, I'm just sitting.

Is she behaving herself?

Yeah.

Mm.

I was just gonna drop these home for you and Dad.

Well, share it.

-Oh, thank you. -Thank you.

Right.

Don't be home late, you.

Fine.

Hang on. I'm just gonna go and ask her for money.

I'll be back now.

(EXHALES) Hold that.

What the fuck?

Her mother works at the Bingo?

Why are you walking around dressed like that for?

Going home to get changed, dear.

Only get half an hour for my break

and I gotta sort your dad's tea out.

Fine, but don't talk to my friends then.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Too good for me now, are ya?

Well, you won't be asking me for more money then, will you,

-if you're too good for my money from the Bingo. -Don't be a dick.

What did you just say?

Are you deaf?

Don't be a dick.

-Get in the car. -No.

I said get in the car. You're not speaking to me like that.

-What, you're suddenly wanna act like a mother now, is it? -You're grounded.

Jog on, dream.

-Get in the car... -I hate you!

Sorry, Mum, I...

Don't be late.

-Come on, I was only joking. Mum! -No, you weren't.

(ENGINE STARTING)

Whatever then.

(SNIFFLES)

Piece of shit!

Fuck's sake, Beth.

(SNIFFLES)

Twat.

CAM: You okay?

Oh, my God. No, no, no, no, no.

Why have you got your hand in the drain?

I dropped my bracelet.

(SCOFFS)

Want a hand?

Please.

(GRUNTS)

It's like Jenga.

Do you mean Operation?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I think I've got it.

Ooh!

-Oh, mate, hang in. -What is that?

Definitely thought that was gonna be gold or something.

Thank you. Family heirloom.

Sorry about earlier.

-(CHUCKLES) You got done. -Yeah.

So, do you, erm...

Do you have any hobbies, or...?

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Oh, no, don't worry. That's stupid.

-No, it's not stupid. -Oh, no.

Sorry, I just feel a bit... Just...

Just had a bit to drink earlier, that's all.

(CHUCKLES) I can tell.

Are you, er... What are you doing now?

Just gonna drive home.

-You can drive? -Yeah.

-Plus, we're two minors. -Fair play.

Well, um...

I could show you around.

Just to know the area and stuff.

Oh, you don't have to do if you don't wanna. Just...

Yeah. All right.

Okay, cool.

-Let's do it. -Yeah. Let's go.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

All right, see this roundabout.

Lydia did her first titty wank on here.

(LAUGHS)

-Traditional Welsh cuisine, is it? -Yeah, it's the same.

(LAUGHS)

This is where you come to pick up prostitutes.

CAM: Is this all just roundabouts?

A swan bit my nipple there.

I'm... (LAUGHS)

I could shove it down in one.

You go first.

(ENGINE REVVING)

(CAM CHUCKLES)

What?

Nothing. It's just funny.

We're inside a carpark for doggers.

See those two flashes?

Yeah.

That means you wank, I watch.

-No, it doesn't. -It does, honestly.

Don't turn the music down, though.

You hear balls slapping.

(LAUGHS)

Are your balls made of concrete?

-Shouldn't this be in a museum? -Er...

Yeah, alongside your family heirloom.

What is that?

It's the iPod Shuffle, mate.

All right.

That's actually full of bangers, I'll have you know.

Every song on there is a piece of my heart.

(SNIFFS)

So how come you moved here?

(SMACKS LIPS) Er, we've moved a few times actually.

My mum's the manager of a gym.

Is she mega fit?

Yeah, she runs marathons.

Is she a MILF?

Objectively speaking, yeah.

Would I fancy her?

Don't know. Don't know what your type is.

So, erm, will you go back to Manchester for uni?

Nah.

-I'm not gonna do uni. -What?

But you're like big brain central.

Cool. Very cool.

Erm, no, I've thought about it, but...

Like, my mum always said,

"I'm gonna teach you how to think,

"not tell you what to think," and with uni, it's just, like...

We all pay thousands of pounds to go and have our brains

coded in the exact same way.

Like, just have us all regurgitating

the exact same lessons on the exact same subjects.

Turning us into sheep, basically.

And they charge you for it.

It's a scam.

Well, your mum did a good job

'cause I like the way you think.

Well, I am big brain central after all.

What are you gonna do?

Don't know. I'm not sure.

So, erm, what will you do if you don't go to uni?

I'm going to go to Marseille.

-Really? -Yeah, my dad's from there.

Is he?

Do you speak French?

Er... (LAUGHS)

-I can, actually, yeah. -(GASPS) Say something.

CAM: Erm...

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Oh, my God, that's so fucking cool.

What did you say?

It's a secret. Say something in Welsh.

Okay. Hmm.

Ready?

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

-(SNORTS) -What?

What does that mean?

Is my DVD in your house?

Oh, wow. Thank you for saying that.

-It really means a lot. -Pleasure.

Is my DVD in your house, though?

No. Absolutely not, mate.

You still wasted?

No.

No.

Er, I should probably go.

My mum's going to kill me.

Aren't you going to kiss me?

What?

I thought that's why you pretended

to want to show me around.

Afraid yourself, fucking hell.

Okay.

CAM: Cool.

Cool.

(CHUCKLES)

Should probably take you home, shouldn't I?

-Don't want your mum to kill ya. -Yeah.

(ENGINE STARTING)

-Fuck. -What?

(EXCLAIMS)

We've had the music on, the battery's flat.

Oh, no. Okay, shit. Erm...

Er... Okay.

-What do we do? -We need jumper leads.

Well, let's just ask the doggers.

Hm? What?

-Yeah, it's fine. -No way.

-Well, they're just having a wank. -That's mental.

They're not murderers.

Absolutely not.

Are you mad? Don't get out of this car.

There's so much shit in your car.

You've done this before, have you?

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

Let's just walk until we got a signal.

No, we're doing it. It's fine, come on.

Hello?

Hello? Can anyone help us, please?

CAM: (CHUCKLING) Oh, my God.

I'm gonna knock on a window, come on.

I think over here.

What's wrong?

Yeah, this is... This is mad.

Let's just walk.

Come on, let's go.

♪♪ If you ask me one more question ♪♪

♪♪ I'm about to crash ♪♪

♪♪ If you ask me one more question ♪♪

♪♪ If you ask me one more question ♪♪

♪♪ I'm about to crash ♪♪

♪♪ Look around, there's no competition ♪♪

♪♪ Where the heavy drinkers at ♪♪

♪♪ Kind of like a crash ♪♪

♪♪ If you ask me one more question ♪♪

♪♪ Kind of like the attitude Kind of like a rhythm ♪♪

♪♪ If you ask me one more question ♪♪

♪♪ Can I learn the way you move? Kind of like a prison ♪♪

♪♪ If you ask me one more question ♪♪

♪♪ Where there's not much to see I kind of like the distance ♪♪

♪♪ If you ask me one more question ♪♪

♪♪ To keep you away from me ♪♪

♪♪ Deep inside my own illusions ♪♪

♪♪ Never going back ♪♪

♪♪ Deep inside my own confusion ♪♪