Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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(light rock music)

- So, my ideal guy,

at least six foot or more, lots of muscles. (giggling)

At least a hundred kilos,

and plenty of money.

My current boyfriend, 5'9, 75 kilos.

- Oh, tell me about it, babe.

- Cheers man.

M'lady.

- Why, thank you.

- Did you get any of that?

- Yes, riveting conversation.

- So, my ideal woman, she's beautiful,

And, uhh. And she likes jazz,

she's a reader, she's smart.

An IQ of at least 140.

- Oh, that is just typical of you, Simon.

You have all these unrealistic expectations

and then as soon as you have a few drinks,

you will be in the bed of the next bimbo that passes by.

- What are you talking about?

I was with Amy for like, three years.

- And you broke up last year.

- [Simon] And before that there was Jenna.

- That was uni, that was like seven years ago!

Didn't she star in a pirate themed porno or something?

- Hmm.

"Wank the Plank" volume nine.

Saddest wank I've ever had.

- You're better off without her.

She's probably stuck in some loveless marriage

by now anyway.

She was just another one of those dumb, stunted girls

you claim to hate yet can't seem

to keep your hands off.

- Are you guys talking about Jenna?

- Maybe.

- I saw her the other day.

- Yeah? How'd she look?

- Like 40.

She was with one of those douchey gym guys.

- Mmm, douchey gym guy.

Ring any bells? - Hmm, interesting.

- You know those girls who tan all the time?

And their skin gets all like saggy and leatherlike?

- Oh, that could have been my future.

Lucky I got out when I did.

- Pardon?

- Lucky I got out when I did?

- You mean she dumped your sorry arse

and you cried about it for a year.

- What are you talking about?

It was a very mutual breakup.

She wanted to see other people,

I wanted to see other people.

- Wasn't she in a pirate themed porno once?

- Yes, "Wank the Plank" volume nine.

- That's the one.

Weirdest wank I've ever had.

And then there was Amy!

- Hmm, wow, time flies, huh?

Seriously.

I'm really ready to get back out there.

I'm going to find the one, all right?

- I could introduce you to some easy gym babes if you want.

- (sighing) That works too.

- God, men!

So easily distracted.

Their personality dissolves when they see a pretty girl

and they turn into mindless zombies.

- Hi, Mitch.

- Hey, Beth.

- Hey! Hey, Beth.

- You must be Simon.

Mitch has told me so much about you.

- Really?

All bad, I presume.

- Beth's my favourite client from the gym.

- Do you work out?

- Yeah, yeah, every now and then.

- I can tell.

Oh man, I need another drink.

- Allow me.

You are far too pretty to be buying your own drinks.

- Thank you.

- Really?

- What?

She's hot.

Oh come on, he needs a good lay.

- [Blair] Simon!

- Hey, buddy!

I'm gonna catch up. - Hey!

- I'm gonna go home with that.

- Okay.

Whatever happened to settling down and finding the one?

- Blair.

What if she is the one? (laughing)

I don't know.

This is the best night of my life!

(birds chirping in distance)

(thudding)

(Simon whimpering)

(kooky music)

- Hey man, I'm Steve.

You must be the new guy.

- [Simon] Simon, nice to meet you.

What do you mean new guy?

- Morning, guys.

Oh, Simon, Steve, Steve, Simon.

He's my boyfriend, silly.

- Boyfriend? Man, I didn't know, I swear.

- Well, one of them.

- What?

How many boyfriends do you have?

- Seven.

One for each day of the week.

Didn't I tell you that last night?

- No, you didn't.

- Pretty sure I did.

Okay, well, Steve is my Sunday boyfriend.

He cooks the best breakfast after my Saturday nights out.

- Morning. - Morning.

- Hey, man. You must be the new guy.

I'm Shaun.

- [Beth] Shaun's my Friday boyfriend.

- So what's he doing here today?

- [Beth] All my boyfriends live with me, silly.

- Oh, of course.

- [Beth] He gives the best foot rubs.

So good for Friday nights.

And you, you're number eight.

- That's a pretty good gig if you can get it.

- Yeah.

- So what makes me qualified for that role?

- Well, you're so insecure and downtrodden.

So we could just snuggle up and talk about our problems

and how sad you are.

- I'm not insecure and downtrodden.

- Sup? - Hey Seth.

- Come on!

- Aw, what's wrong, baby?

- Do your boyfriends see other people?

- Oh god, no.

I would just die if any of them cheated on me.

You guys wouldn't cheat on me, would you?

- Of course not.

- No, babe. - Are we out of milk?

- Simon, you're being really weird about this.

You're so old-fashioned.

This is how relationships work these days.

- You have all of these guys serving you.

They make you breakfast, they give you massages,

they fucking live with you?

What's in it for them?

- Well, me.

Isn't that enough?

(Simon sighing)

- What was all that about?

(light music)

- Fuck Off!

(ticking)

(panting) (ominous music)

(steps rumbling)

(typewriter clacking and dinging)

- 27.

Graphic Designer.

I don't like coffee.

What else?

- Say you like animals.

What?

I can't believe you didn't ask me to help with this.

It's gonna be so much fun.

- I don't...

Hmm, okay.

I love animals.

Though I currently don't have any pets.

Unless...

You count my housemates, hmm?

- Oh my god.

- What are you guys up to?

- Simon is setting up an online dating account.

- Finally.

- I know, right?

- Tell them you have a tiny penis.

What?

I use that line all the time.

They feel sorry for you and toss you a pity fuck.

And then when they see it, it exceeds their expectations

and it's a pleasant surprise.

- No, just no!

- I'm telling you guys, that's how you get chicks.

Set their expectations really low.

- Well, the last time Simon followed your advice,

it didn't exactly go well for him.

- What are you referring to?

- Last night.

Beth.

- She has seven boyfriends.

- Oh yeah.

Knew there was something important

I forgot to tell you about her.

- Let me.

- Oh, no, that was only one time!

Come on! - And, submit!

- Wait, no! No, no.

- Okay. - Let's look at your matches.

Matches, ooh!

She looks cute.

- She looks like my sister.

- How about her?

- She looks like my sister's dog.

- Simon!

Ah, how about this one?

- I don't like redheads.

- Ah, okay.

Ooh, this one's cute.

- Doesn't she have really weird eyelashes?

- I think you're gonna have to be a little less picky

if you really wanna meet a nice girl.

- What is wrong with having high standards?

- (sighing) Ooh, okay.

Jane.

She's a receptionist at a big law firm.

She collects vinyl.

She has two dogs.

- She looks okay.

Hey Mitch?

- [Mitch] Yeah?

- We have any more beers left?

- [Mitch] Yeah.

- Cool, this wine taste like piss.

- [Blair] Hello Jane, I read through your profile

and couldn't resist saying hello.

Having any luck with this crazy online thing,

or just the usual desperados?

- [Jane] Hi, Simon, no luck so far.

(laughing) Yes, there are a lot

of strange ones online, I agree.

I like your profile.

- [Blair] Thanks for your reply.

I just started online dating and it's been a surprisingly

pleasant experience so far.

- [Jane] Haha, you're funny.

I'd like to meet you.

- [Blair] Where?

- [Jane] When?

(jazz piano music)

- [Simon] So, Jane.

Tell me about yourself.

- Not much to say, really.

25, receptionist, I work out.

Nothing interesting really.

- I'm interested.

Where do you work?

- At a big law firm in the city.

Steele and Weiner?

- Steele and Weiner?

What do they specialise in?

- Property law mainly.

- Oh.

How'd you come to work there?

- Funny story, actually.

I met Richard Steele through my parents.

They frequent the same golf club.

One day, I went there to have dinner with them.

I had just finished my Business Administration degree.

Coincidentally, Richard was there.

He was looking for a new receptionist

and he hired me on the spot.

That was two years ago.

- Oh, that was the funny story?

Okay.

Do you see yourself staying there long term?

- Not particularly.

- Okay.

So, I noticed you have an accent.

Where do you come from in America?

- I'm Canadian, eh.

- [Simon] Oh.

I'm sorry.

- Why?

- Do you- - I'd like to move to the suburbs

and have kids soon.

- Nice.

White picket fence and a happy ending?

- I don't like white fences.

- Okay.

(sighing) So do you want me to walk you to your car?

- Oh, no, it's okay.

It's just over there.

I had a nice time tonight.

- Yeah, me too.

- So we'll do this again, right?

- Sure.

It was nice meeting you, Jane.

- Yes, it was good for me too.

Talk soon.

- (sighing) Won't be seeing her again.

- [TV Narrator] The highest good we can strive for

is to live with happiness and contentment.

(light kooky music) - So...

My roommate's are out.

Wanna make a little noise?

- Aw, that's cute.

It's actually that time of the month.

- Oh.

Okay.

There are things you could do for me.

- Hah!

No, it's not the same.

- Oh, okay.

- I won't do anything like that until we're engaged.

What do you think a pig sounds like

when it eats a person?

(eerie music)

(gasping)

- Simon? - Ugh.

- Simon, how much did you have to drink last night?

- I don't know.

Too much?

I'm drinking a little now to help with the hangover.

- Is everything okay?

- Everything is great.

I just. I feel a little sad.

Isn't it okay to feel sad

when everything is great?

- I don't know.

Why were you drinking last night?

- Jane and I broke up.

- Oh.

I'm sorry to hear that.

- Don't be.

I hated her.

(sighing) No, I didn't hate her.

She crushed my very essence.

- Hey, you are a great guy.

- [Mitch] You ready, B?

Oh, you look like shit, man.

Everything okay?

- Him and Jane broke up.

- Oh.

Sorry to hear that.

Hey, if she gets all crazy ex on you,

I'll sleep with her if you want.

- What on earth would that achieve?

- Get her off his back.

I'd do that for you, man.

'Cause I love you.

- Thanks, man.

Are you guys going running or something?

- Yeah.

(blender whirring) - Ah, come on, man!

My head is killing me!

- Sorry Simon, just trying to keep healthy.

You know what they say.

Healthy body, get all the chicks.

It's a thinking man's game.

- Okay.

I'm going to that cafe down the road.

- I thought you hated that place.

- I do.

But about a month ago, I saw this amazing waitress there.

I mean, I keep going back every few days

but I haven't seen her since.

(light music)

I was going to meet a client across town

and then I saw her.

I was mesmerized.

I just had to talk to her.

So when I walked into the cafe,

she was at the front counter.

I approached the bench and said

hey, can I please have a latte?

If it's not too much trouble.

- [Mitch] I thought you hated coffee.

- I do!

But I was flustered.

I didn't know what else to say.

And then she said,

"I'll get that right away" (girlish giggling)

And then I took my coffee and left.

Maybe she'll be there today.

I don't know.

(bluesy music)

(thudding)

Ow.

(sighing)

- Hi.

- [Woman] Hi. - What can I get for you?

- [Woman] Can I please get the turmeric latte?

- [Barista] Yeah, sure. - [Woman] That'd be great.

- [Simon] Can't believe you talked me into this.

- Hey, it'll be fun.

Have a few drinks, mingle with some babes.

What could go wrong?

- You could abandon me for the first pretty girl you meet.

- That won't happen, man.

Tonight, I'm your wingman.

(light rock music)

(Simon clearing throat)

- Mate, I'm not done with that.

- Hi, I'm Abby.

I just got out of a long term relationship

with a girl named Kasey and I'm kind of still upset about it

but tonight, I'm looking for a man to give me a good time, because,

I've always been gay

and I'm at a point in my life

where I want to experiment and experience

what the opposite sex has to offer. (gasp)

- Hi, Abby, I'm Simon.

I've always been straight, but tonight I was really hoping to bed a desperate lesbian.

- Well that was quite crude of you, Simon.

Come on, let's go. - Um, okay.

Now? - Yes, come on!

- [Simon] Ow, can you spread your legs a bit more?

- If you could just shift over.

Ah, you're crushing my arm!

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- Oh! Does that always get that hard?

- Pretty much.

Are you ready, or?

- I think so. - Okay.

- Agh! - Sorry.

- Agh! - Sorry.

- Agh, just stop! - Sorry, sorry.

Are you okay?

- Yeah, I just,

I just got a cramp.

- [Woman] Abby?

- [Abby] Kasey? - Abby, what is this man doing on top of you?

Get off her!

- [Simon] Hi. - I'm gonna kill you, you-

- No, no! No!

(thudding)

- Kasey!

What the fuck?

(light eerie music)

(gasping)

(airy music)

(light guitar music)

- Blair and I have been best friends since high school.

We went to the same uni together as well.

I studied Graphic Design and she studied Photography.

We also met Mitch there.

He wasn't a student, he worked at the uni gym.

He also went to all the student parties.

Actually I'm pretty sure he tried to hit on Blair

the first time he met her. (chuckling)

- A Photography degree.

What does one do with a degree in photography?

Take pretty little black and white

pictures of flowers and spiderwebs

and morning mist, maybe.

And do some headshot work on the side

so as not to completely starve.

I got an office job in the city.

Maybe I'll go overseas one day.

That might be nice.

Or get a real photography job.

Not feel like such a sellout.

- I don't need much.

As long as I have my job and some pretty girls, I'm good.

(mouse clicking)

(jazzy music)

- Hello, Simon.

- Um, hi, Simon.

- Hi, darling!

- So I'll tell you a little about myself

and then you can talk if you want.

- Sorry I'm not very interesting.

Why don't we talk about you?

- I'm pretty fab, as you can tell.

Beauty and brains.

- I'm 29, I started my own business when I was 19.

It's now worth just over four million.

I'm a career-orientated girl.

- I work for a big firm in the city. (laughing)

- Sorry I don't have more to talk about.

- I like to keep a strict schedule,

so if anything comes of this,

I can either book you in two hours every second day

or three hours every third day.

- I haven't had a boyfriend in a while.

I'm not sure why.

But I try not to let it get me down.

- I like to multitask.

It's not uncommon for me to check work emails during sex.

I'm just letting you know now

because some guys I've been with in the past

have thought it was weird for some reason.

So, my place our yours?

- I'm sorry, this isn't going to work.

You're just so insecure and downtrodden.

- You are just too cute.

I just want to gobble you up!

Mmm, yummy boy!

- Hey, Sime! - Hey.

Really serious about this whole exercising thing, huh?

- How's the whole online dating thing?

- Weird and confusing.

Just like real dating.

- Really?

What about that Taylor girl?

Her profile pic looked good.

(kooky music)

- Don't even get me started.

- Hey, you wanna go out tonight, Sime?

- No thanks.

Not after last time.

- What do you mean?

- You were supposed to be my wingman.

You just left with that girl.

- What do you expect?

You never put out.

A man can only wait so long.

- I don't think Simon wants a one night stand right now.

- Every man wants a one night stand right now.

- Don't you guys have jobs to go to?

- Eh, my first client's not til 11.

- My office is closed.

Some brainiac started a fire in the kitchen yesterday.

I am going to the gallery later though

with a friend.

- You working from home again?

- (sighing) No.

The internet is down, again.

I'm gonna go work from the cafe.

(keyboard clacking) (kooky music)

(machine whirring)

- We just met. - I know.

- We're so naughty.

- Yeah.

- Wait here.

- Okay.

Wow, okay.

- Can I put this on you?

- Sure, why not?

(cuffs clicking) Ah, what are you doing?

- The safe word is jelly.

- What?

What are you doing? - Making you my bitch, Simon,

what do you think I'm doing?

- (laughing) You're crazy!

(whacking) Ah, what are you doing with that?

(whacking) Ow!

Ow, that really hurts!

- I'm not crazy.

I'm a modern woman.

And this is how people fuck now!

- No, it's, ow!

No it's not, you fucking weirdo!

I thought you were nice!

- [Dominatrix Girl] You little bitch.

You call yourself a man?

I'm more of a man than you'll ever be!

- Oh, jelly, jelly!

(tense music)

- Cool.

Call me.

(light relaxing music)

- Mmmmm.

Mmmmmm.

(busy tone beeping)

- Dad.

- Hey.

- [Simon] Hey.

- What's with the peas, mister?

- Gentlemen problems.

- Don't wanna know.

Beach?

- Oh, okay.

So, I met a girl.

- Oh.

- She kicked the shit out of me.

- Oh.

What happened?

- Doesn't matter.

- You're one of the good ones, you know.

Any woman'd be lucky to have you.

I know I am.

- Thanks, B.

You're a gem.

- Do you remember that birthday card

you made me in uni?

- [Simon] Oh yes, a crude example of my art.

- Do you remember much of that night?

- Uh...

Nope.

We were both pretty drunk.

I do remember that you almost vomited on me.

- Aww. (both laughing)

- I still liked you.

- You know, you're a really good graphic designer, Simon.

- You think so?

- Yeah, of course.

You always have been.

And, I think if you spent as much time

focusing on your career as you spend

returning home with ambiguous penis injuries,

you could be really successful.

(Simon laughing)

- Thanks, Blair.

You're right, I really should buckle down.

Start getting things done.

No more distractions.

(light music)

- Why haven't you told him?

- I will.

But the opportunity just,

I mean it hasn't presented itself yet.

It's hard.

- Why?

- Whassap?!

- Hey.

How was the interview?

- You are looking at the new

lead designer at the biggest advertising firm in the city.

- That's amazing!

I'm so proud of you!

- You know those suited automatons

you see walking around the city?

Well that's gonna be me now.

- Hey, chicks love those kind of guys.

- I know.

Things are looking up for this guy.

Only downside is I have to get up at six tomorrow morning.

(alarm beeping)

- Hey, how are you?

You good?

- Awesome. - Yeah, I had the most amazing morning.

I know.

Ah, what are you doing here?

You know I'm working.

- I don't care.

(melancholy music)

- Tony has really let himself go over the years.

He's almost 100 kilos now.

- Mmm. - I mean, I go running every day.

I still have a nice arse.

He just sits around smoking and drinking all day.

- Yeah, you do have a really nice ass, sweety.

- Simon, what's wrong?

- Blair, there's something I need to tell you.

- What?

- I love you.

- For real?

- Yeah.

- Simon, I'm moving to Africa.

- What?

- I've been meaning to tell you but-

- But what? (man humming)

- Hey, babe.

Ready to bounce or what?

Movie's about to start. You know I don't wanna miss those ads.

Love those ads!

- Simon, this is Abe.

He's my boyfriend.

- Hey yo, what's up, my brother from another mother?

All right.

- We've been seeing each other for about a month.

- Oh.

- Can you wait in the car for me, babe?

- Sure thing, B, be you.

Later, brah.

(thumping)

Boom! (finger snapping)

- Why didn't you tell me?

- I didn't wanna hurt you.

- Well that plan's gone to shit now, hasn't it?

When are you leaving?

- Next weekend. - Next weekend?!

- I'm really sorry. - No, it's fine.

I completely understand.

You have absolutely no respect for me.

- No, it's not like that.

I just was scared.

- Does Mitch know?

- Yes. - He was in on it too?

Where is he? I need to talk to him.

- He's at work.

I knew you had a crush on me,

that's why I didn't say anything.

- It is not a crush, Blair.

You are the only woman who has been there for me

no matter what.

And now, I find out you're leaving

with some dickhead you just met!

- Abe's a great guy!

Who we're gonna walk the continent of Africa.

He's gonna show me a part of the world

I never would have seen otherwise!

- Well have a look at this.

The strong, independent, third way feminist

has been swept off her feet

by some third rate Nigerian prince.

- He's Congonese. - I don't give a shit!

I thought you were different.

But you are just as vapid

as every other woman I've met recently.

- Fuck you! - Fuck you!

- Mitch here?

- [Both] No!

- I have to get going.

Abe's waiting for me.

(upbeat music)

- Okay, whatever.

- Hey, man.

- Hey.

- Blair told me what happened.

You okay?

- Yeah.

- I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

- It's okay.

She's the one that should have told me.

- Life is weird, huh?

- Sometimes.

It has its moments though.

I really thought we'd all be living together

longer than this.

- I'm not going anywhere.

- I know, man.

- It's not gonna be the same though, is it?

You know, this is gonna sound weird,

but I'm really gonna miss having a chick around

that would never consider sleeping with me.

- (Simon) Don't feel bad.

I don't think she's slept with anyone in years.

Till now, I guess.

- Didn't the two of you hook up in uni once?

- Yeah.

It felt weird though.

It was a stupid thing to do.

There was some good to it, I guess.

- What was good about it?

- It felt like it somehow strengthened our relationship.

(Mitch chuckling)

- I love you, man.

As a friend, I mean.

- I love you too, Mitch.

- I'm gonna go for a jog.

- Yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna go wash my hair.

So today's the day, huh?

- Yeah.

Abe's gonna be here any minute to pick me up.

(sombre guitar music)

- [Simon] Cool.

- I'm really gonna miss you, Sime.

- I'm gonna miss you too, B.

- I'll write to you,

when we get there.

- Sounds nice.

(phone buzzing)

- That's Abe.

He just got here.

- You better get going.

Don't want you to be late on my account.

- Yeah.

Hey, Simon?

- Yeah?

(crickets chirping)

(gun clacking)

(slurping)

- Bang.

(Simon laughing)

(light guitar music)

(light piano music)

- [Stella] Bobby?

You shouldn't be here.

My parent's will be home any minute.

- [Bobby] Why not?

We belong together, Stella.

- [Stella] No, I can't.

You're just so

bad.

- [Bobby] I know.

But sometimes, at night,

I look up at the stars and I want to be good.

- [Stella] Oh, Bobby!

- You know, I still think everyone knows.

- Knows what?

Why do we keep watching this shit?

- Because it's simple.

No one has any real problems.

- What are you talking about?

Everyone is cheating on everyone.

- Cheating's not so bad.

Happens to everyone.

Oh, not me, I've never been cheated on.

- That's because you've never been in a real relationship.

- I was once.

- Really?

What happened?

- Fell apart.

- Why?

- She expected me to not sleep with other women.

- What a witch.

- I know, right?

Wouldn't it be so much easier to be gay?

- Maybe.

- We should probably start looking for a new housemate.

- Yeah, I guess so.

- Do you think you're gonna miss her?

- Yeah.

I do.

- She could come back.

- You think so?

- Yeah.

I mean, she's only known the guy for a month.

It could fall apart at any moment.

You know, whenever I meet a girl I like,

I think we're gonna be together forever.

- Then what happens?

- Then we have sex a few times

and I feel satisfied.

Like she's given me everything I wanted from her.

- Thanks for that.

- [Mitch] No worries, mate.

(eerie music)

(light piano music)

- Hey, Blair.

- Simon, what are you doing here?

Abe will be here any minute.

- I live here.

And I don't care about Abe.

- Simon, I can't, you're just so

bad.

- You have no idea.

(tense music)

(strange rustling sound)

(Mitch speaks backwards)

(Simon speaks backwards)

(jazz music)

(beer trickling)

Steamy!

- Morning. - Morning.

- [Mitch] Hey, I got some replies

to that roommate wanted ad.

- Yeah? Anyone good?

- [Mitch] Hmm, a few.

Actually one from a girl by the name of Hannah.

- Really?

Hmm, I always liked that name.

- [Mitch] Yeah, she just lives around the corner as well.

I walked past her straight on the way to work.

- Well how about that?

We should set up a meetup with her.

- Yeah sure, let's invite her over.

- Hmm, no.

Let's meet her in a neutral place.

That cafe down the road.

- You're so predictable.

(Mitch sighing)

Fuck!

Are we out of protein?

- It is literally right in front of your fucking face!

- Oh!

I'll tee up that Hannah thing and let you know.

(phone buzzing)

- Hey, you must be Hannah?

- That's what they tell me.

You must be Mitch. - No, I'm Simon.

Mitch couldn't make it. - Oh, you're the other guy.

- [Simon] That's what they tell me.

(kooky music)

- So tell me, what's it like being lesbians?

- (laughing) It's great.

- Oh, it is so much fun.

- Oh yeah. - You guys like kiss and stuff, right?

- Ah, all the time.

That's like all we do. - Of course!

- Hey, Mitch.

- Oh, hey Simon.

Girls, this is the guy I was telling you about.

- Hi, Simon. - Hi.

- Simon, this is Valentina and Adriana.

- Hi, Simon, we've heard so much about you.

- Yes, that you're funny, a gentleman

and you're looking for the one.

- But you just keep getting hurt!

Aw!

- I went to the gym to meet my new clients,

and it turned out to be these guys.

And they just moved here from South America

and they're looking for a place to live.

- Yes, senor Mitch was so nice

to give us a room for free.

- Yes, he really is such a good man.

If it wasn't for his generosity,

darling Val and I might be on the street.

- Just look at her, just like way too pretty to be a,

how you say, homo?

- Hobo.

(both laughing)

What can I say?

I'm a great guy.

- Fucking golden.

Hey Mitch, can I speak to you in the kitchen, mate?

- What's up? - Did you seriously just give the room

to a Uruguayan lesbian couple with no money?

- No!

They're Argentinian.

- Christ, Mitch, I was gone an hour!

We need to be splitting the rent three ways.

We can't afford to pay the whole thing by ourselves.

- Why not?

We both have jobs.

What's the harm in doing good for people in need?

- You are doing it 'cause they're both incredibly beautiful!

These girls could be drug mules for all you know.

Laying low off of their latest little trek

across the Pacific.

- That's just you, isn't it,

always worst case scenario.

- Worst case scenario?

What good could possible come of this?

- Maybe they'll make out in front of us.

- We're not giving them the room, Mitch.

- Yeah, yeah, you're right, but,

we can't just kick these girls out on their arses.

They're actually really nice.

(women speaking in Spanish)

[Mitch] Can we let them sleep in the lounge room?

- [Simon] Mitch.

- [Mitch] Look, just for a little while.

We'll give someone else the room

and we'll let the girls stay just for a few weeks.

Then I'll make sure they leave, I promise.

- Okay.

That works, it's a compromise.

No more funny business with these girls, okay?

I gotta head out for a bit.

Just surprise me for once

and don't be a dickhead.

- Later.

(women speaking in Spanish)

Ladies.

I've just had a little chat with Simon.

And we've decided to throw you a huge housewarming party

to welcome you into our home!

- [Valentina] That's fantastic, wow!

(light sitar music)

- Mmmmmm.

Mmmmmm.

(phone buzzing)

- Hello, son. - Hey Dad, what's up?

- I'm just in the garden.

What are you up to?

- Not much.

Blair moved to Africa.

- Really?

I didn't see that coming.

- Me neither.

- That's a shame.

You two were such good friends.

- Yeah.

Well, she met this African guy.

I guess he swept her off her feet.

- That's quite unlucky.

Well, someone else will come along.

- What do you mean?

- Well I always saw you two ending up together.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Yeah, back in high school.

I always saw some chemistry between you two

whether you two saw it or not.

- I never did.

- Well, maybe she'll come back.

- I wouldn't count on it.

- You know, after your mother died,

I swore I'd never fall in love again.

I couldn't let myself.

- Then what happened?

- I never fell in love again.

I moved to the country, started gardening, meditating.

Now here I am.

I'm content enough.

But I was wrong.

- [Simon] About what?

- [Dad] Everything.

There's no such thing as soulmates or perfect matches.

People just settle.

You know some people get lucky

and find someone halfway compatible.

But most people just take what they can get.

And it's finding the wrong person at the right time.

- What if you meet the right person at the wrong time?

- Well that's called being in your 20s. (chuckling)

(Simon chuckling)

But seriously, things will work out in time.

You'll know it when you feel it.

- Thanks, Dad.

- All right.

I better get back to it.

- Sure thing, bye.

- Bye bye.

(light music)

(phone buzzing)

- Hello? - Hey, Hannah, it's Simon.

- Hey Simon, what's up?

- Well, umm... we, umm...

We're kind of having a party on Friday night.

If you wanna come over for a bit and hang out.

- Okay, that sounds nice.

- Cool, the party starts at seven.

- Cool, I'll see you then.

- Okay, bye.

(Simon chuckling)

(upbeat dance music)

(punches thumping)

(crowd chattering)

- Hey, Simon!

What took you so long, buddy?

- [Simon] I had to stay late at work.

We're in the middle of a big project.

What is this?

- It's called a party, you uppity prude.

- [Simon] It's not like any party I've seen before.

Is that guy dead?

- Get over yourself.

You just need to loosen up, man.

Hey, there's someone you need to meet.

(vomiting)

Come on, you big silly boy.

Simon.

This little specimen is Oddball.

- Ah, fuck you, Mitch!

Ah, I'm just kidding.

I love this guy.

- You know why they call him Oddball?

- No.

- This guy has the weirdest pair of nuts you've ever seen.

- Oh, I don't know they're all right to me.

Some people might not think so but hey, live and let judge is what I always say.

- This guy's a sweetheart.

- Hey, I've got a theory about this guy, Mitch.

- He's a bit uh, he's a bit gay.

Maybe even pansexual.

That's when you're like attracted to pans and shit.

- That's just wishful thinking on your behalf.

- Ah, you fucking love it, give me a kiss.

- Get off.

- Oy, preggers, hand us that coke.

Come on Mother Teresa, hand it over.

I know you got coke.

- Under what circumstances have you seen

that strange man's testicles?

- He gets naked and runs around

whenever he's had a few drinks.

(laughing) It's hilarious.

Yeah, it's bound to happen soon.

- Can't wait.

- [Oddball] Woo, choo choo choo!

On the snorty train!

- [Crazy Old Man] I am the second coming!

Jesus of Nazareth!

- Hey, Hannah!

- Hey, Simon.

What's going on here?

- [Crazy Old Man] Bow before me!

- It's only 7:30.

- I know, all right. I just got in from work, it's a bit much.

- Yeah. - Come on.

So, how have you been?

- Simon, what's going on in there?

Was that a mound of coke on your kitchen table?

- I think so.

I don't know where it came from.

- Do you have these parties often?

- No, never.

I just thought it was gonna be a few close friends.

We drink some wine, eat some cheese,

play celebrity heads.

- Well, I'm pretty sure I saw a guy out there

who thought he was Jesus, so.

(both laughing)

- That seems to be my life these days.

A bunch of surreal occurrences

that have no real relation to one another.

What are you doing?

- Okay, who are you?

- Rider Haggard?

- No, it's you.

It's always you.

- Thanks, Hannah.

- You're welcome, Simon.

Now I'm going to leave.

This type of party isn't really my scene.

But I like you, Simon.

I'd like to see you again sometime.

- Like a date?

- Maybe.

But on one condition.

- Okay. - I hope you're not always such a sad sack, Simon.

- I try not to be.

- Great.

Okay, well keep in touch.

- Of course.

(dance music)

- [Beth] Hey, Simon.

- [Sunday Steve] Hey, man.

- Hey, guys. Hey Oddball-

- Hey guys, who finished all the cocaine?

- Thanks

- [Simon] Hey, guys.

- Simon, there you are!

- There's a girl you just have to meet.

- She's just perfect for you.

- And she's so pretty.

- [Simon] Yeah thanks, I'm actually looking for Mitch.

Do you know where he is?

- Why, he's in the lounge room.

(giggling)

- [Simon] Oy Mitch.

Ah, Taylor?

(laughing)

- [Blair] Simon.

- [Simon] Blair.

- He took me back to his village and

just casually introduced me to his six wives.

I was supposed to be number seven.

One for each day of the week.

I lost it, I just ran out of there.

I mean Abe and all his wives looked so confused, like,

my reaction was so foreign to them.

I ran out of the village and hitched a ride

on a traveling circus.

I learned how to juggle.

I got to Kinshasa safely enough, but,

I didn't have enough money for a flight home

so I had to flirt with this old pilot

to give me a ride on a cargo flight to Indonesia and

then I had just enough money to get home from there.

- Wow.

- I was so stupid.

Going halfway across the world for a guy

I didn't even know.

I just, I thought he was different.

You know, I've always been so cynical,

it gets really tiring.

I just wanted to meet a nice guy

who understood me.

I don't think I've ever met a nice guy.

Except you.

You've always been there for me, Simon.

You can always make me laugh.

You must hate me after what I did.

- I don't hate you, Blair.

Not at all.

But I have met someone else.

I've got a good feeling about her.

- That's good for you.

You deserve it, Simon.

I don't know what's next for me now.

- I'm sure you'll be fine.

You are the smartest person I've ever met.

You're incredible, B.

- Really?

- Yes!

I think you should have some rest.

Why don't you take my bed tonight?

- You sure? - Yeah.

I can crash on the couch.

- Thanks.

(dance music)

- Hey, hey, what are you guys doing? - It's my new fucking bed, haha!

- Put down the fucking couch, scumbag!

I am sick of men taking from me

whatever they fucking please!

- Whoah, whoah, whoah.

- Ah, let him go.

He's not worth it.

Blair, call the cops.

- Dad, what are you doing here?

- I thought I'd come check up on you.

You sounded upset on the phone.

- Uhh, better hide the drugs.

- Yes, hello, we need police.

- Freeze! This place is surrounded!

- [Blair] That was quick.

- Why are you pinning that man against the wall?

Let him go.

- [Blair] He was trying to steal the-

- Let him go!

Can someone turn that fucking music off?

(radio clicking)

Can you believe the shit kids listen to these days?

Right, let's get this over with.

Where is Mitchell Turcotte?

- Right here, boss.

- We apprehended him in the confusion.

- [Taylor] Good work.

- What's going on, girls?

- We're cops, dumbarse!

- We've been undercover to get intelligence on you.

- [Blair] Intelligence?

- Don't tell me you didn't know.

Mitch here has been running

the largest bedroom drug operation on the East Coast.

We've been keeping tabs on him for months.

- That explains why he keeps a lock on his bedroom door.

- Ah, excuse me, officer.

I don't believe you've identified yourself.

- My real name is Detective Harry Dixonballs.

(Simon snickering)

Grow up, mate.

I'm head of the State Drug Commission.

As you've probably gathered by now,

this is a bust.

I need everyone who doesn't live here to leave now.

The residents of this address

need to stay put for questioning!

- Is this a joke?

Are you actually like

one of those male strippers or something?

- Do I look like a fucking male stripper to you?

Look into my eyes.

Do you think I'm about to rip off my dress

and rub my COCK! in your dirty little face?!

- I guess not.

- You best watch your tone with me.

- Enough with the dramatics.

Can we just get this over with?

- I don't think you get it, Mitch.

You're going to the fucking Big House!

Do you know what they do with pups like you in jail?

Do you?!

They're quite kind, actually.

They smuggle in some cherry red lipstick

and give you a nice little makeover.

Ah, you'll look so pretty.

(laughing) You're in deep shit, son.

And nothing, nothing can save you now.

- Hey everyone.

Who wants to see me do the helicopter?

Here we go.

I know you've all been waiting for this all evening.

He's all warmed up. - Holy shit!

- What's wrong with your nuts, boy?

- I've never seen a pair like that before.

- They're magnificent.

- [Oddball] It's starting up.

It's starting up, whoah!

Okay, this is Oddball reporting for Channel Seven News

Eye in the Sky.

It's about the snowflakes, aha! (laughing)

I love you guys, I really do.

Anyway, bye!

- [Adriana] He got away!

- Shit!

Go after him!

I'll stay here and crowd control.

- [Blair] I thought you said the place was surrounded.

- Ugh, I was bluffing.

Budget cuts.

Don't get me started.

- [Blair] What a useless Detective.

- [Harry] What was that, Missy?

- I've met men like you before.

You think you can do and say whatever you want

to whomever you want without consequence,

I'm fucking sick of it.

I'm sick of people who don't believe in accountability!

I will be reporting you.

- Don't you dare do that!

- [Blair] Excuse me?

- You'll be put on a list.

A list of troublesome people.

Things will be made difficult for you.

- Are you threatening me?

- I'm telling you how the world works, sweetheart.

I know people.

People in high places.

- Fuck yourself.

- What did you say?!

- Fuck yourself.

Get out of my house, you fascist pig!

- That's it.

I'm gonna beat the shit out of you, arsehole!

- Hey!

No one threatens my son!

(roaring)

(hitting)

(nostalgic music)

- [Simon Voiceover] It sure was a crazy time, my 20s.

I always thought that when I turned 30

my life would become stable all of a sudden.

Like something would click and I'd finally feel

like a real adult.

Well, now I'm 30.

And there hasn't really been a click yet.

But when I think back to those few months,

there's a world of difference.

Harry Dixonballs decided not to press charges against Dad.

On the condition that we didn't report him.

He was dismissed a few months later though.

There was a big corruption scandal

that he was involved with on a low level.

The higher ups used him as a scapegoat.

It was all over the news.

I started to believe in karma after that.

I hadn't heard from Mitch until last week.

He sent me a postcard.

Turns out he ran away to some small country town

and started his new life

as a gay cowboy.

He married Sunday Steve and they worked a ranch together.

Blair got a photography job in New York.

We lost touch though.

All my old friends,

all the girls I met along the way,

they're not the ones this story's about.

It's me, it's always me.

I married Hannah.

A private wedding on the beach.

Dad officiated the ceremony.

It wasn't extravagant, or grandiose.

It was just a simple moment in time.

Me, dressed like I was going to one

of my Nan's Sunday roasts,

and her in a beautiful dress.

I bought our old house.

It was weird without Mitch and Blair though.

Hannah and I lived there together for a year,

but ultimately, her and I just weren't meant to be.

I sold the house.

I took a slight loss on it

but I didn't mind too much.

It came to represent a tumultuous time in my life.

But now, I'm 30.

And I'm taking steps towards finding inner stability.

I crossed the globe

to chase the most stable figure I had in my adult life.

Blair.

It's always Blair.

I don't know if she'll be interested.

But I have to try.

I have to take the chance.

And even if it doesn't work out,

maybe I'll learn something.

(knocking)

(light rock music)