Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:52,279 --> 00:01:04,279
Fixed & Synced by bozxphd. Enjoy The Flick
2
00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:07,271
AMY: I'm Amy Mitchell,
and I'm a mom.
3
00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:10,196
I had my first kid
when I was 20 years old,
4
00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:12,396
and I've been
running late ever since.
5
00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:17,791
My days are filled with
dropping the kids at school...
6
00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:18,880
Love you.
7
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:21,391
...then racing to work
where I have meeting,
8
00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:23,636
after meeting, after meeting.
9
00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:27,072
I usually end up eating
a shitty lunch at my desk,
10
00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:29,638
and I try to work
out once a week.
11
00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:32,793
(SIGHS)
Why do I suck at Zumba?
12
00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:37,073
Most days, I race back to
school for the kids' plays,
13
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:39,430
and poetry readings
and class projects...
14
00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:41,440
Mom!
15
00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:43,360
...which I'm always late for.
(MOUTHING) Sorry.
16
00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:45,038
And then there's PTA meetings,
17
00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:47,914
and volunteering and
parent-teacher conferences.
18
00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:51,634
Jesus, Miss Wiggins
fuckin ' hates me.
19
00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:56,430
At least once a day,
I feel like the worst mom in the world,
20
00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:57,953
and I cry in my car.
21
00:01:58,080 --> 00:01:59,672
(WAILING)
22
00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:02,593
Then I shuttle the kids to
piano lessons and soccer games
23
00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:04,400
and dance classes
and doctors' appointments,
24
00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:06,476
before my daily trip
to the grocery store.
25
00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:08,240
Ugh.
26
00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:10,993
This chick seems like
she's got it all figured out.
27
00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:14,358
But I feel like I'm
screwing up all the time.
28
00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:16,596
Still, I love being a mom.
29
00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:18,760
Here, baby. There's your
organic turkey club sandwich,
30
00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:21,633
and Dylan, here's your peanut-free
peanut butter for lunch.
31
00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:22,755
What's peanut-free
peanut butter?
32
00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:23,840
I have no idea.
33
00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:26,920
Baby, here's your American
history project I made you.
34
00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:28,040
I hope you like it.
35
00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:30,511
I love you.
I love you!
36
00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:32,990
Oh, my God, Mom!
Not so loud! My God.
37
00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:34,877
I love my babies so much!
38
00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:38,353
God, they hate me.
39
00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:40,154
Hey, Amy!
40
00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:41,673
Hey, guys.
41
00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:44,156
God, I just don't
know how you do it.
42
00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:45,958
You just leave your kids all day
43
00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:47,109
and go to work?
44
00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:48,349
You're so strong.
45
00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:50,313
Yeah, thank you.
46
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:52,271
Don't you miss them?
47
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:55,638
I do. But I also
need, like, money.
48
00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:56,880
Right.
STACY: Hmm.
49
00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:58,757
Oh, gosh, you guys,
I'm so sorry. I gotta go.
50
00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:00,114
I'm really late to work.
51
00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:01,992
Well, you're always late.
52
00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:03,798
I know. It's basically
the only thing
53
00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:05,154
I'm good at these days.
54
00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:06,275
See you guys later.
55
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,517
God, I just love
how hard she works.
56
00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:10,711
Oh, my God, I love
how hard she works.
57
00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:12,553
I just fuckin' said that, Vicky.
58
00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:13,909
(TIRES SCREECHING)
59
00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:19,155
AMY: I work at
a super-hip coffee company.
60
00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:20,514
I love my job,
61
00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:24,872
but I'm 32 years old and I'm
the oldest person here by far.
62
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:27,474
Most of these dudes
just play ping-pong all day.
63
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:28,909
TESSA: Morning, Momma.
64
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,000
AMY: Morning, Tessa.
65
00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:33,834
Oh, my God, I am so fucking
hungover, I might actually die.
66
00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:35,114
(CHUCKLES)
67
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:37,475
That's probably something
you shouldn't tell your boss.
68
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:38,600
Oh.
69
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:41,837
Right. Except that I took like a
shitload of pills this morning,
70
00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:44,480
so I don't totally
know where I am yet.
71
00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:45,629
You're at work, Tess.
72
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:47,592
Oh, perfect.
Yeah.
73
00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:50,274
May I have a vacation?
I'd like to go to Cuba.
74
00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:52,272
Is that allowed?
No.
75
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:53,828
Good morning.
76
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:55,154
TESSA: Hey, boss!
77
00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:56,389
Good morning, Dale.
78
00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:58,159
I had a dream last night.
79
00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:00,311
Ooh.
I was naked in a hotel.
80
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,152
I'm talking fully
naked, dick, balls...
81
00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:03,315
Yep, got it.
82
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,914
No glasses. Everything,
fully fucking naked.
83
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:07,120
We got it.
84
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:08,679
I walk over to the coffee maker
85
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:12,157
and there is a bag of our
coffee in the hotel room.
86
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:13,748
Cool dream, Dale.
87
00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:15,034
Thank you, Tessa.
88
00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:16,155
(CHUCKLES)
Um...
89
00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:18,151
Is this your way of saying that
90
00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:20,754
you wanna start selling
your coffee to hotels, now?
91
00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:23,474
No. This is my way of
saying that I want you
92
00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:25,790
to start selling our
coffee to hotels now.
93
00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:28,599
But Dale, I'm already running
sales for supermarkets,
94
00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:30,352
airlines and restaurants.
95
00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:31,868
I mean,
I'm just part-time.
96
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:33,000
You are?
Since when?
97
00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:34,229
Six years ago!
98
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:36,158
(LAUGHS) What?
No way.
99
00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:37,474
She's here like every day.
(CHUCKLES)
100
00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:40,677
(CHUCKLES) Oh, I know, but I
have a family and stuff, so...
101
00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:42,756
Hey! You know how important
family is to me.
102
00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:44,398
I got it wrote on
my arm right there.
103
00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:45,480
AMY: Oh, wow.
104
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:47,232
It's dope, right?
So tight.
105
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:49,709
Oh, shit! I gotta go roller skating.
Do you wanna come?
106
00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:51,432
Yes!
No, Dale!
107
00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:53,357
I have lots of work to do.
108
00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:55,000
The History Channel was right.
109
00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:56,752
You guys are the
greatest generation.
110
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,794
AMY: I live just outside
of Chicago with my two kids,
111
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:05,757
my dog and my husband, Mike.
112
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:08,317
He's a successful
mortgage broker,
113
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:10,960
but sometimes he
feels like my third child.
114
00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:12,991
Hey, babe.
Hey... Oh! (CHUCKLES)
115
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:14,718
Look at all the bags you're carrying.
That's hilarious.
116
00:05:14,840 --> 00:05:16,193
You look like a Sherpa.
117
00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:19,915
AMY: Oh!
118
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:23,151
You guys. Thank you
for being super patient.
119
00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:25,470
I appreciate it.
120
00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:26,994
(GROANS)
Here we go, guys.
121
00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:28,195
Thanks, honey.
122
00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:30,111
All right, love.
How was work?
123
00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:33,512
Oh, I had two conference
calls and then I took a nap.
124
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:34,999
It was exhausting.
125
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:37,478
I bet. I bet.
Uh...
126
00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:41,555
Dylan, baby, how was
your science quiz?
127
00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:43,114
Oh, I got a D.
128
00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:44,792
A D? But we
worked so hard.
129
00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:45,880
Baby, what happened?
130
00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:48,480
Do you need extra help?
Should we get you another tutor?
131
00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:49,879
Mmm, nah, I'm good.
132
00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:51,674
Mike?
133
00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:54,354
Did you hear? Dylan got a
D on his science quiz.
134
00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:56,548
Way to go, bud.
135
00:05:57,600 --> 00:05:59,477
What? Okay.
136
00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:00,880
Um...
137
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,918
Jane! Oh, my gosh! Wait!
How was your soccer tryouts?
138
00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:07,470
(SIGHS) Coach is posting a list of
who made the team tonight at 9:00,
139
00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:08,834
and I'm so nervous.
140
00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:11,639
Baby, it's okay, relax.
You will make the soccer team, I promise.
141
00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,274
Just don't freak out.
142
00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:17,597
(GASPS)
I'm freakin' out. I am, too.
143
00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:19,352
What time is it now?
8:59.
144
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,118
(SIGHS) Come on!
(COMPUTER DINGS)
145
00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:24,074
Oh, it's 9:00! It's 9:00.
Go, go, go! Hit refresh.
146
00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:27,714
Oh, my God. I made the team.
(SQUEALS) I made the team!
147
00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:29,358
Oh, my God.
I am so relieved.
148
00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:30,955
(WHISPERS) Thank you.
Oh, my God.
149
00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:33,594
(GASPS) Baby,
I'm so proud of you!
150
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:35,360
Oh, I'm so excited.
Oh, my God.
151
00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:38,113
This is gonna look so awesome
on my college applications.
152
00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:39,794
Baby, it's great, it's great,
153
00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:41,751
but just remember
you're only 12, so it's...
154
00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:42,880
Wait.
155
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:44,594
What if I don't play?
156
00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:47,476
What if I'm a loser
benchwarmer scrub?
157
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:49,433
You're great,
you're gonna be fine, you're...
158
00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:51,511
No! It's not fine, Mom.
159
00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:53,119
Do you understand how hard it is
160
00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:55,111
to get into
an Ivy League school now?
161
00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:57,191
I mean, they turn away Asians.
162
00:06:57,880 --> 00:06:59,518
That's a little racist, but...
163
00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:01,517
Oh, my God! I need to
practice my footwork.
164
00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:02,720
Why'd you let me eat dessert?
165
00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:05,473
Oh, I know, because you hate me!
166
00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:07,719
Holy shit.
167
00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:17,152
Hey, babe. It's late.
I'm going to bed.
168
00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:18,240
No.
169
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,073
(GASPS) Oh, my God, are you...
170
00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:22,799
No, no, no, I was just
checking my prostate. (KEYS CLACKING)
171
00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:26,232
You know, I've always wondered
what kind of porn you like.
172
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:27,469
Why won't this
fucking window close?
173
00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:28,560
(GASPS)
174
00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:31,200
Oh, my God, that's a giant bush!
175
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:33,115
Uh, who the hell are you?
176
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:36,558
I'm his wife.
177
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:37,875
Oh, shit.
178
00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:41,109
Are you masturbating
online with some chick?
179
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:42,428
No, no!
180
00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:43,720
Well, then, what are you doing?
181
00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:46,713
(STAMMERING) Uh, um...
I was clicking and then I...
182
00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:48,640
So then I was...
183
00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,234
Yes, okay, I was masturbating
online with some chick.
184
00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,669
What the fuck!
Why are you doing that?
185
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,753
Hold on a second. I don't think
I've done anything wrong.
186
00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:58,796
This is totally mainstream now.
187
00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:00,313
Hi, I'm Sharon.
188
00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:02,475
I don't know,
I don't know, Mike.
189
00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:05,518
This really feels like cheating.
190
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:08,912
No, no, no, no, no,
this is definitely not cheating, honey.
191
00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:10,274
I've never even touched her.
192
00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:13,079
Her giant bush
is 2,000 miles away.
193
00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:15,995
But how long have
you been doing this?
194
00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:17,997
Oh, I don't know.
Not long.
195
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:19,559
Ten months next Friday.
196
00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:21,554
(MOUTHING)
What the fuck?
197
00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:22,908
Ten months?
198
00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:27,870
Do you have feelings for her?
199
00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:29,759
(EXHALES)
200
00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:32,510
You don't masturbate online
with someone for 10 months
201
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:33,919
without developing
some feelings.
202
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:35,433
I mean, I'm not a monster.
203
00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:37,630
Do you have
feelings for her, Mike?
204
00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:40,712
Yes! Okay?
I have feelings for her! God!
205
00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:42,440
(MIKE SIGHS)
206
00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:44,551
She's actually
a pretty amazing woman.
207
00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:46,557
You know, she runs
her own dairy farm,
208
00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:48,119
she's developing an app.
209
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:49,713
Get out!
What?
210
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:52,593
Get the fuck out of my house.
211
00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:58,719
So uncool.
212
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:02,400
(DOOR CLOSES)
213
00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:05,509
SHARON: You know, Amy,
I just feel like
214
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:07,192
Mike is feeling
really trapped right now...
215
00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:08,599
(GRUNTS)
216
00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:13,360
(GROANS)
217
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:20,996
Okay, so your dad had to go
outta town on a business trip,
218
00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:23,554
so I'm gonna try to do
everything myself today,
219
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:25,189
which should be fine,
220
00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:29,558
as long as everybody does
what they are supposed to do.
221
00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:30,640
Right?
222
00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:32,432
(WHINING)
Oh, no.
223
00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:34,357
Why is Roscoe walking like that?
224
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:36,112
He's fine.
He's totally fine.
225
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:39,878
(GASPS) Oh, no, buddy!
226
00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:53,868
(CAMERA CLICKS)
227
00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:55,320
(CAR DOOR SHUTS)
228
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:57,393
Lookin' good, Jeff.
229
00:09:57,480 --> 00:09:58,515
Oh.
230
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:00,397
Thanks.
Yeah, you been workin' out?
231
00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:02,550
No, not for like 10 years.
232
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:05,632
Your beige windbreaker is
really lightin' up my board.
233
00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:07,388
Oh, uh, thanks.
234
00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:08,959
Do you know what I mean?
My vagina.
235
00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:11,640
(SIGHS)
236
00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:13,113
Bye, Jeff!
237
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,589
Emergency PTA meeting tonight.
Tell all your friends.
238
00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:17,280
STACY: (GASPS)
Oh, God.
239
00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:19,396
There goes that little weird
stay-at-home mom.
240
00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:21,675
Emergency PTA meeting tonight.
Tell all your friends.
241
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,308
Oh, I don't have any friends.
242
00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:26,074
Oh.
I'm pretty isolated at home.
243
00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:27,229
I have four kids.
244
00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:29,231
Okay, good. Please move along.
Thank you.
245
00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:30,275
Emergency PTA meeting tonight.
246
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:31,400
Thank you for inviting me.
247
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,950
Oh, my God. She just got all
her sadness all over me.
248
00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:39,519
Oh, shit!
249
00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:40,794
Here comes the hot widower.
250
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:51,235
Hey, Jessie.
Hey, guys.
251
00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:52,320
VICKY: Hi.
GWENDOLYN: Hi.
252
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:54,233
Cute backpack you got there.
253
00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:56,955
Oh, yeah.
Uh, I'm such an Elsa.
254
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,117
(ALL LAUGHING)
255
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:02,078
You're hilarious!
You really are!
256
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:03,309
God, he's so fucking hot.
257
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:04,440
Here you go.
VICKY: I know.
258
00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:06,238
I'm so glad his wife died.
259
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:09,238
You know what? I saw him install a
car seat yesterday in two seconds.
260
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:11,749
I'm tellin' you, it was like
boom, boom, click. (MOANING)
261
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,115
It was so hot.
Oh, gosh.
262
00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:17,436
You know what? I think I'd
let him put it in my butt.
263
00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:19,680
I mean, in theory,
I'm not really into the butt thing,
264
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:22,228
but I would let him
go to town back there.
265
00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:24,596
I'm with you.
Emergency PTA meeting.
266
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,072
AMY: Okay, I got four minutes
to get Roscoe to the vet,
267
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:28,718
so I love you kids, get out,
get out, get out, get out.
268
00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:30,153
I love you so much.
I'm so sorry.
269
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:31,600
Bye, Mom.
270
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,400
(GASPS)
271
00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:35,710
Oh!
Oh, my God! Oh!
272
00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:37,992
Fuck, it's so hot!
Can you roll down...
273
00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:40,196
Can you roll down the window?
Okay. Okay, okay.
274
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:42,479
Hey. Hey, babe, listen.
Hi.
275
00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:46,036
There is a emergency PTA
meeting today at 5:00.
276
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:48,190
It should be about
two to three hours.
277
00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:49,999
Awesome. Awesome.
Okay?
278
00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:52,591
Your dog's wearing a helmet.
Okay, I know.
279
00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:54,079
Yes, it's... Thank you.
280
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:55,595
Okay.
281
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:00,749
Fuck!
282
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:05,029
Your dog has vertigo.
That can't be a thing.
283
00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:08,079
And you are gonna have to
carry him until he gets home.
284
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:09,560
Are you shitting me right now?
285
00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:10,675
I don't shit.
286
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:13,433
But he will, uncontrollably,
for the next 36 hours.
287
00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:15,114
(WHINING)
288
00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:17,518
I'm here.
I'm here. Amy's here.
289
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:20,073
You missed the meeting, bro.
290
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:22,508
Oh, no.
291
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:25,833
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
292
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:27,200
(INDISTINCT)
293
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:29,399
(PANTING)
294
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:34,074
(GASPS)
295
00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:47,309
(TIRES SCREECH)
296
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:50,357
I know, I know.
I'm sorry, I'm late.
297
00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:51,589
Get in, get in, get in.
298
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:56,117
I can't believe I'm gonna be late
to my first soccer practice.
299
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,156
Baby, I'm doing
the best that I can.
300
00:12:58,240 --> 00:12:59,878
Yeah, that's what
makes it even sadder.
301
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:01,349
Oh, God.
302
00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:04,159
Hey, Dylan. Hey, honey.
How was your day?
303
00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:05,759
I swallowed a pen cap again.
304
00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:07,280
Oh, God.
305
00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:08,595
DYLAN: Ooh!
306
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:10,240
Crap.
307
00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:11,548
Was that a hit-and-run?
308
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:12,960
Nope.
309
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:14,828
Nope.
That was nothing.
310
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:23,558
Jane, go!
Go, go, go, go!
311
00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:25,193
Excuse me, Coach?
312
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:27,994
I'm so sorry that Jane is late.
It is all my fault.
313
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:30,756
You look wrecked.
You having a bad day?
314
00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:32,751
Oh, God, it literally
could not get any...
315
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:34,273
Ah! (GRUNTS)
316
00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:35,955
Shit.
317
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:37,469
(GROANS)
318
00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:39,998
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
319
00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:41,679
Hey...
320
00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:45,111
Hi, guys! Guys, um...
321
00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:48,799
For those of you who have been
living under a rock... (CHUCKLES)
322
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:50,871
I am Gwendolyn James.
323
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:53,719
I am the president of the PTA,
324
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:55,388
but most importantly,
325
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:59,715
I am the proud mommy
to two beautiful daughters,
326
00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:01,392
Blaire and Gandhi.
327
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:05,870
Now, I called this
emergency PTA meeting
328
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:10,238
to address an issue that radically
affects the safety of our children.
329
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:12,915
The bake sale.
330
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:17,798
Is this a joke?
331
00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:20,110
Now, this is a list
of the toxic ingredients
332
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:22,589
that are absolutely banned
from the bake sale.
333
00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:26,837
No BPA, no MSG, no BHA, no BHT.
334
00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:29,480
Plus no soy, no sesame,
and, of course, no nuts
335
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:31,994
or eggs or milk or butter
or salt or sugar or wheat.
336
00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:33,080
Okay?
337
00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:34,991
Sorry, what ingredients
can we use?
338
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:36,798
Anyway, I will be putting together...
Thank you.
339
00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:39,917
...a special bake
sale police force
340
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:45,154
that will monitor the food. That
will destroy any offensive treats
341
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:48,433
and prosecute the wrongdoers.
342
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:49,600
Yes.
343
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:52,319
So who will be
my first volunteer
344
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:53,600
for the bake sale police force?
345
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:57,713
I think we're gonna
have Amy Mitchell!
346
00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:00,189
What?
347
00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:02,032
That's what you get
for being late, sweetie.
348
00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:05,040
No.
349
00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:06,120
(ALL GASP)
350
00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:07,680
(CHUCKLES)
351
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:08,915
What's that now?
352
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:11,676
I've had a really long day.
353
00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:15,997
I have been bruised and burned,
354
00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:17,508
knocked unconscious.
355
00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:20,194
I screwed up my daughter's
first day at soccer
356
00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:24,034
and I hand-searched
my son's poo for a pen cap
357
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:27,756
and my poor dog has vertigo.
358
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:30,912
I mean, who knew that that was
even a real thing, you guys?
359
00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:33,677
God, I'm drowning at work
360
00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:36,115
and my boss is a fucking moron
361
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:37,629
and... (CHUCKLES)
362
00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:40,197
Three hours ago I may or may not
363
00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:42,236
have committed
a felony hit-and-run.
364
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:43,548
(GASPING)
365
00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:46,313
I can't do this anymore.
366
00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:49,388
I'm sorry.
367
00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:51,068
I'm done.
368
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:55,799
I quit.
369
00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:57,757
(INDISTINCT MURMURS)
370
00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:18,591
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
371
00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:29,475
Hey, what can I get ya?
Oh, Scotch.
372
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:32,080
Oh, hey, I know you.
373
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:35,440
You're that chick that always
picks up my kid from school
374
00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:37,476
when I forget/don't want to.
375
00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:41,031
Amy Mitchell. Yeah, Carla.
Carla Dunkler.
376
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:42,758
Jesus, you look like
a bag of dicks.
377
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,956
(CHUCKLES) Thanks.
Hi.
378
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:47,952
I'm really sorry to interrupt,
but, um, I just have to tell you,
379
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:51,032
what you did back there
was amazing.
380
00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:53,276
(CHUCKLES) Thank you.
381
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:54,634
It's Kiki, right?
382
00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:55,829
Yes.
383
00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:57,555
She knows my name.
384
00:16:57,720 --> 00:16:58,720
(STUTTERS)
385
00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:00,472
I feel like Beyoncé Knowles.
386
00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:01,959
Why don't you sit down
and have a drink with us?
387
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:04,878
What do you mean "us"? Honey, I
was just sitting here by myself.
388
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:06,149
I would love to, but I can't.
389
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:07,355
I have to go to
the grocery store
390
00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:09,715
and then I have to go home and
clean out my son's hamster cage,
391
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:11,159
'cause he gets so
mad when I forget.
392
00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,231
Have a drink, Kiki.
Okay, yeah.
393
00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:15,197
Okay. Yes, I'd like
an apple juice.
394
00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:16,759
Why don't you have this instead?
395
00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:19,839
Excuse me?
(LAUGHING)
396
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:23,833
Oh, do you know what my
favorite mom fantasy is?
397
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:25,035
What?
Uh-oh.
398
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:29,193
Having a quiet
breakfast by myself.
399
00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:31,236
Oh! That is so hot!
Oh!
400
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:32,918
Sounds glorious.
Oh.
401
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:36,074
(SIGHS) Sometimes when I'm
driving all by myself,
402
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:38,080
I have this fantasy that
I get into a car crash.
403
00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:41,317
Not a big one with fire and explosions,
but just like a little one.
404
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:42,628
But I do get injured
405
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:45,439
and I get to go to the
hospital for two weeks
406
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:49,593
and I sleep all day and I eat
Jell-O and I watch so much TV
407
00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:51,591
and it's all
covered by my insurance.
408
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:54,877
My kids bring me balloons,
and the nurses rub cream on my feet,
409
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,190
and oh, my God, it's so amazing.
410
00:17:57,920 --> 00:17:58,920
(SIGHS)
411
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:04,272
Is that like something you
guys fantasize about, too?
412
00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:05,874
No.
No.
413
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,791
You're bat-shit crazy.
Yeah.
414
00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:10,511
And I'm never gonna get
into a car with you.
415
00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:16,472
Is it fun being a single mom?
416
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,075
Yes!
417
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,312
I go to the casino.
Yeah.
418
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:22,995
You know,
I'm learning karate now.
419
00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:26,318
Plus, I have, like, a stable
of hot dudes to call right up
420
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:27,998
whenever I want some D in my V.
421
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:31,798
I wanna be a single mom.
No, it's fuckin' awesome.
422
00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:33,195
Bottom line is,
423
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:35,430
I have to live my life one
quarter mile at a time.
424
00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:38,275
Is that from... Yeah.
The Fast and Furious.
425
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:41,912
I fucked Vin Diesel when he
was in town doing Furious 6.
426
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:43,911
You fucked Vin Diesel?
Yeah.
427
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:45,194
Vincent Diesel?
428
00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:48,478
It might not have been
actually Vin Diesel,
429
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:50,516
but I definitely
fucked a bald guy.
430
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:52,153
Salud.
Salud.
431
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:53,434
Yep.
To Vincent Diesel.
432
00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:54,555
Oh, my God.
Jesus.
433
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:56,830
Kiki, get your shit together.
Oh, my God.
434
00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:58,832
Do you know what I hate?
Mmm?
435
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:00,911
There are so many
fuckin' rules now.
436
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:02,069
Yes, God.
437
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,760
"Don't punish your kids."
"Don't say no to your kids."
438
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:06,876
Yeah. "Go to your
kid's baseball games."
439
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,359
"Tell your kids
you love 'em."
440
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:11,040
"Don't fuck the janitor
at your kid's school."
441
00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:13,111
I mean, what the
fuck is this? Russia?
442
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:17,913
We're killing ourselves, trying to be
perfect, and it's making us insane.
443
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:21,237
In this day and age,
it's impossible to be a good mom.
444
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:22,320
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
445
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:24,038
Screw it.
Yeah.
446
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:25,309
Let's be bad moms.
447
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,118
Oh, I'm in.
Right?
448
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:29,714
Oh, my gosh, okay.
This is exciting. I'm in!
449
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:33,076
Yes! To bad moms. Whoo!
To bad moms!
450
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:34,515
Aw.
451
00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:36,993
I love you guys.
Mmm.
452
00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:38,479
Oh, dude.
We love you, Kiki.
453
00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:40,118
We just met, Kiki.
Forever.
454
00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:42,120
I love you forever.
I'm not into this kind of...
455
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,470
Oh, gosh, honey,
we gotta go get you home.
456
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:45,754
We gotta go.
Yeah, let's go.
457
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:48,161
We gotta go. No, I can't.
I have to go to the supermarket.
458
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:49,560
(KIKI SIGHS)
459
00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:51,153
Let's go to the supermarket!
460
00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:47,440
(INAUDIBLE)
461
00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:01,954
(ALL GASPING)
Oh, my God.
462
00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:04,709
You're so cute.
KIKI: Adorable.
463
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:06,433
Oh, I wanna eat her face.
464
00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:07,555
Hi, bunny.
465
00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:08,675
All right, let's go!
466
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:53,669
Where is she?
467
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:55,520
(GROANING)
468
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,719
Oh, it's so bright, you guys.
469
00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:00,949
Are you okay?
470
00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:02,473
Yeah, I'm awesome.
471
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,033
What did you do last night?
472
00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:06,388
Nothin'.
473
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:09,269
But we may need to
find a new supermarket.
474
00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:11,040
(AMY GASPS)
475
00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:14,157
Oh, my God.
I made nachos last night!
476
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:15,920
Oh.
477
00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:18,588
Amazing.
478
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:20,435
Mmm.
479
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:22,511
The cheese is so hard.
480
00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:24,869
(GRUNTING)
481
00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:29,309
Um...
482
00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:31,550
Aren't you gonna
make us breakfast?
483
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:32,709
Oh.
484
00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:33,835
No.
485
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,749
But what are we gonna eat?
486
00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:40,559
You guys are really smart.
487
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:42,318
You can make your own breakfast.
488
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:46,072
I'm just gonna take these to go.
489
00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:52,348
Peace!
490
00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:56,073
All right, get in the car.
491
00:22:57,800 --> 00:22:59,472
You know what?
On second thought,
492
00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:01,240
let's take your
daddy's special car today.
493
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:04,117
Won't Dad be mad?
Yeah.
494
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:05,428
Probably.
495
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:11,269
(ENGINE REVVING)
496
00:23:13,120 --> 00:23:14,678
(TIRES SCREECHING)
497
00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:20,000
(INAUDIBLE)
498
00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:35,634
Whoo!
499
00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:38,559
That was so awesome!
500
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:40,914
All right.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
501
00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:43,708
What is she driving?
502
00:23:44,120 --> 00:23:45,473
Have a great day at school!
503
00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:47,599
Oh, wait, wait, wait!
Your lunch!
504
00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:52,390
(GASPS) Thanks, Mom.
You're the best mom ever!
505
00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:53,913
Aw, I love you, guys!
506
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:56,233
Is that Arby's?
507
00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:58,231
I love their hot fish sandwich.
508
00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:00,311
Hey, Amy. Hi.
509
00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:01,880
Hey, we're having
a PTA meeting today
510
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:04,070
to discuss the upcoming
election at 2:00.
511
00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:05,275
Will we see you there?
512
00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:06,555
No.
513
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:11,000
Oh.
514
00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:13,116
That bitch is
playing a dangerous game.
515
00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:15,840
Amy plays football?
516
00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:17,549
Oh, my God.
517
00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:27,758
Oh, thank you.
518
00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:29,600
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Amazing!
519
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:31,955
Oh, this is Amy.
520
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:34,679
Amy, where are you? The morning
huddle started an hour ago.
521
00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:38,515
Oh, yeah, Dale, I'm not going to that.
It's a total waste of time.
522
00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:40,752
(SNICKERING)
Are you feeling okay, Amy?
523
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:42,671
Are you having a senior moment?
524
00:24:43,120 --> 00:24:44,678
I've actually never felt better.
525
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:48,355
I'm having a quiet breakfast
and reading the newspaper
526
00:24:48,440 --> 00:24:50,715
for the first time in 12 years.
527
00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:53,714
You need to come into
the office right now!
528
00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:57,509
No, I don't. I don't, Dale. I only
work for you three days a week.
529
00:24:57,840 --> 00:25:01,196
If you want me to work more, then
you should pay me to do that.
530
00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:03,798
Okay, Amy, you're kind of
making me look like a dick
531
00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:05,359
in front of everybody
in the office right now.
532
00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:07,795
Have a great meeting!
Goodbye, Dale.
533
00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:10,800
(SIGHS)
534
00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:25,598
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
535
00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:29,390
Hello?
Hey, Kiki. It's Amy.
536
00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:30,480
Hi!
537
00:25:30,560 --> 00:25:32,312
Um, I was actually
calling to see,
538
00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:34,320
uh, if you'd like to join
me at the movies today.
539
00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:36,912
Are we allowed to do that?
540
00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:38,992
Well, I don't see why not.
541
00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:42,078
I can't. I mean, I have
to iron Kent's underwear.
542
00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:43,549
What? Why?
543
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:45,916
I don't know. He likes
really stiff underwear.
544
00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:48,190
Come on, Kiki, live a little.
545
00:25:50,360 --> 00:25:51,360
(CRYING)
546
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:54,274
Uh... Okay. Okay, okay.
I'll do it.
547
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:56,751
(CHUCKLES) Awesome.
Okay, I'll call Carla.
548
00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:59,070
Oh, fun! I like her.
549
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:00,599
I'm also very scared of her.
550
00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:02,589
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
551
00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:04,637
Ow! Ow!
552
00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:07,918
CARLA: Yo!
Hey, it's Amy.
553
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:09,433
Um, I'm calling to see
if you'd like to join
554
00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:10,953
Kiki and I at the
movies this afternoon.
555
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:12,189
I'm already here.
556
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:13,280
Hey, lady.
557
00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:15,997
Get off your phone.
Guess what?
558
00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:17,433
She dies in the end.
559
00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:19,114
Yeah, cancer gets her.
560
00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:20,480
What?
561
00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:22,836
Yeah, what do you
bitches wanna see?
562
00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:30,160
(SLURPING)
563
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:33,758
Love is stronger
564
00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:36,628
than space.
565
00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:39,115
You guys, lady boners over here.
566
00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:40,240
(LAUGHS)
567
00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:43,400
(GASPING AND CHEERING)
568
00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:48,636
Cheers, ladies.
Mmm.
569
00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:49,960
Mmm.
570
00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:53,030
This has been so much fun.
571
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:54,513
Thank you, girls,
for coming out with me.
572
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:55,640
Are you kidding me?
573
00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:58,917
This has literally been the
best day of my entire life.
574
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:00,194
Oh, honey.
575
00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:03,153
My ex is picking up the kid,
so I can go all night if...
576
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:05,197
Oh. hey, did you
hear that?
577
00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:06,679
My ex has my kid.
578
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:08,680
AMY: Hey, hon, I've got
a question for you.
579
00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:12,918
Is it hard to share your
son with your ex-husband?
580
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:14,594
(LAUGHS) Fuck no.
No?
581
00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:16,955
Have you seen my kid?
He's like nine feet tall
582
00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:18,712
and all he cares
about is baseball.
583
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:20,392
Do you go to all of his games?
584
00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:22,471
No. No, I don't.
(AMY LAUGHS)
585
00:27:22,920 --> 00:27:24,560
The last game I went
to was six hours long
586
00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:26,431
and the final score
was one to two.
587
00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:29,508
So, I'd rather go to Afghanistan
than another kids' baseball game.
588
00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:30,600
Cheers.
589
00:27:31,360 --> 00:27:33,874
How do you think that your
divorce affected your kid?
590
00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:37,156
How are things
in your home, Amy?
591
00:27:38,120 --> 00:27:41,192
Oh, it's fine.
(SCOFFS) Everything's fine.
592
00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:44,800
Ugh.
593
00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:49,197
I caught Mike having an
affair online with a woman,
594
00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:51,874
and I guess it's been going
on for like 10 months.
595
00:27:52,040 --> 00:27:54,474
Oh! Did you drive
a spike through his nuts?
596
00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:55,874
(LAUGHING)
597
00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:57,879
No. Here's the truth.
598
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:01,109
Our marriage has
been over for years.
599
00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:04,034
I don't even remember
the last time we had sex.
600
00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:08,156
Kent and I have sex every
Friday night after Blue Bloods.
601
00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:09,840
(LAUGHS)
602
00:28:10,120 --> 00:28:13,635
I find Tom Selleck's work
to be extremely erotic.
603
00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:18,035
I feel like everything that comes out
of your mouth is a cry for help.
604
00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:20,312
(CHUCKLES)
Kiki, you're so weird.
605
00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:21,515
CARLA: No, wait,
606
00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:23,909
why did you marry this
shithead in the first place?
607
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:25,115
He sounds like an asshole.
608
00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:26,792
Because we were
young and in love.
609
00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:29,314
I mean, he wasn't always an asshole.
I promise you.
610
00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:33,112
It's true. Listen, I got
pregnant, we got married.
611
00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:34,633
I was only 20.
612
00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:38,113
You know what? Mike and I
never got our twenties.
613
00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:40,589
Like, you know,
the fun twenties, and...
614
00:28:40,680 --> 00:28:41,874
I feel like
maybe he missed that.
615
00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:42,960
Oh, my God.
616
00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:44,873
Maybe I did, too.
617
00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:47,520
When I was in my twenties,
I would just walk down the street
618
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:50,751
and it would just be raining
dicks wherever I went.
619
00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:52,034
It was just dick,
dick, dick, dick,
620
00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:53,269
dick, dick, dick,
dick, dick, dick.
621
00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:56,158
It was, like, forecast,
lot of cock!
622
00:28:56,240 --> 00:28:57,832
(INDISTINCT)
623
00:28:57,920 --> 00:28:58,955
Kiki?
624
00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:02,270
Hi. Kent, hi.
625
00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:03,714
What are you doing here?
626
00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:06,234
I'm just having lunch
with my new friends.
627
00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:08,436
Who's watching the kids?
Rosie.
628
00:29:08,520 --> 00:29:10,033
Isn't that your job?
629
00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:11,953
Whoa! Who the fuck
are you?
630
00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:13,309
Yes. Yes, Kent.
631
00:29:13,400 --> 00:29:16,995
It absolutely is my job,
and I was just about to leave, so,
632
00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:19,475
um, thank you guys so much.
633
00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:21,398
I can't, uh,
do the math right now.
634
00:29:21,480 --> 00:29:24,358
Just take that and have a
wonderful day, you guys.
635
00:29:24,440 --> 00:29:25,668
I really enjoyed it.
Thank you.
636
00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:26,795
Oh, my...
637
00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:28,950
Nice to meet you, Ike Turner!
638
00:29:29,360 --> 00:29:30,759
That's really disturbing.
639
00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:31,909
Yes!
640
00:29:32,200 --> 00:29:34,120
But on the plus side,
she left way too much cash,
641
00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:35,997
so I think I'm gonna
get fucked up!
642
00:30:01,360 --> 00:30:03,271
(GROANS)
643
00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:05,593
Yeah, donut holes!
644
00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:07,200
I love these things.
How much are they?
645
00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:08,355
Um...
646
00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:10,909
Five cents.
647
00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:12,911
How about a dollar?
648
00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:14,672
(GASPS) What?
649
00:30:14,760 --> 00:30:16,637
Hey now, big spender.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
650
00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:18,195
Thank you.
651
00:30:18,840 --> 00:30:19,955
Mmm.
652
00:30:20,280 --> 00:30:22,589
Why are these so good?
Caramel number six.
653
00:30:22,680 --> 00:30:23,908
Is that what it is?
Mmm-hmm.
654
00:30:24,640 --> 00:30:25,675
They're tasty.
655
00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:28,597
She's adorable.
Thank you.
656
00:30:28,720 --> 00:30:29,720
Mmm-hmm.
657
00:30:30,280 --> 00:30:31,280
Good to see you.
658
00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:33,112
Bye. Bye.
659
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:36,594
Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my.
What do we have here?
660
00:30:36,680 --> 00:30:39,240
Are these store-bought
donut holes, Amy?
661
00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:41,199
What? No.
662
00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:42,998
Gosh, no, I made them by hand
663
00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:46,072
and then I put them in the
weird plastic container.
664
00:30:46,160 --> 00:30:47,832
Oh, thank God.
'Cause we do not
665
00:30:47,920 --> 00:30:49,433
allow store-bought
holes.
666
00:30:49,560 --> 00:30:51,551
Seriously, Vicky?
AMY: Oh, come on, Gwendolyn.
667
00:30:51,640 --> 00:30:53,153
Who cares what food people bring
668
00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:54,878
as long as it
raises money, right?
669
00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:57,110
Oh, did she just... Oh.
She did.
670
00:30:57,440 --> 00:30:58,873
Hit her with it, G.
671
00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:01,560
Well, you see, I care, sweetie.
672
00:31:01,640 --> 00:31:03,870
I don't... I don't know what's
been going on with you,
673
00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:06,474
I mean, with your
weird outbursts
674
00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:09,074
and your terrible style,
675
00:31:09,160 --> 00:31:10,832
but it ends now.
676
00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:13,116
Okay? I run this school,
677
00:31:13,200 --> 00:31:16,988
and no one takes
a class or kicks a ball
678
00:31:17,080 --> 00:31:20,595
or plays a fuckin' clarinet
without my say-so.
679
00:31:21,520 --> 00:31:24,956
And I can make life
a living hell for you
680
00:31:25,040 --> 00:31:26,837
and your dirty little children.
681
00:31:27,440 --> 00:31:28,793
Do you understand me?
682
00:31:28,880 --> 00:31:32,350
Wow, Gwendolyn, I genuinely think
you should just relax a little bit,
683
00:31:32,440 --> 00:31:34,635
I mean, have a donut hole.
They're delicious.
684
00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:36,870
They're from a gas station.
They're... Mmm.
685
00:31:37,400 --> 00:31:39,630
You have crossed
the line, little girl.
686
00:31:39,720 --> 00:31:41,597
And I am going to destroy you.
687
00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:44,598
Winter is coming.
688
00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:46,040
(CHUCKLES)
689
00:31:46,120 --> 00:31:47,155
Gwendolyn.
690
00:31:47,400 --> 00:31:49,834
Oh, my God.
You are so fucked.
691
00:31:50,440 --> 00:31:51,475
What...
692
00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:53,518
Bye.
Bye.
693
00:31:56,040 --> 00:31:57,439
Out of my way!
694
00:31:58,160 --> 00:31:59,388
I'm sorry, Gwendolyn.
695
00:32:03,720 --> 00:32:05,438
You psyched for Mandarin class?
696
00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:06,714
No!
No.
697
00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:08,597
Mandarin class is so stressful.
698
00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:10,875
Everyone just
barfs the whole time.
699
00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:12,791
Did you say "barfs"?
Yeah.
700
00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:14,833
Oh, my God.
701
00:32:14,960 --> 00:32:16,154
Wha...
702
00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:18,671
Why are we doing this?
703
00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:24,473
What are you doing?
Mandarin class is back that way!
704
00:32:24,560 --> 00:32:25,560
I know.
705
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:27,479
But we're gonna
play hooky today.
706
00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:34,718
JANE: We cannot
afford this place.
707
00:32:34,800 --> 00:32:36,438
AMY: Don't worry.
I've got a plan.
708
00:32:39,400 --> 00:32:41,755
Shh. Get in here, you idiots.
We totally snuck in.
709
00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:43,990
I know! Shh. I can't believe
you have a real job.
710
00:32:44,080 --> 00:32:47,231
You're a lucky girl, Becky.
I would never do this for my kid.
711
00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:48,998
Yeah. My mom's
pretty cool.
712
00:32:50,200 --> 00:32:52,156
Also, my name's Jane.
713
00:32:52,280 --> 00:32:53,349
Okay.
714
00:32:53,440 --> 00:32:55,280
All right. Showers on
the left. Have fun, guys.
715
00:32:55,360 --> 00:32:56,873
Bye, Becky! Shh.
Okay, thanks, Carla.
716
00:32:57,680 --> 00:33:00,069
This place is fancy.
Gosh.
717
00:33:00,760 --> 00:33:02,318
Oh, look.
Free soap.
718
00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:03,628
No, honey, don't take that.
719
00:33:03,720 --> 00:33:05,920
(GASPS) Oh, no, that's some good soap.
Take it, take it.
720
00:33:08,960 --> 00:33:11,758
This is what the tub looks like
after your brother takes a bath.
721
00:33:11,840 --> 00:33:12,840
(BOTH LAUGHING)
722
00:33:13,520 --> 00:33:15,272
You look like Kung Fu Panda.
(LAUGHS)
723
00:33:16,640 --> 00:33:17,640
(SIGHS)
724
00:33:18,160 --> 00:33:19,388
This is amazing.
725
00:33:19,520 --> 00:33:20,635
Mmm-hmm.
726
00:33:21,320 --> 00:33:23,197
We should get matching
tattoos after this.
727
00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:24,549
(LAUGHS)
728
00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:27,036
I'm really glad
we did this, Mom.
729
00:33:27,120 --> 00:33:29,873
I haven't felt this
relaxed in, like, ever.
730
00:33:30,560 --> 00:33:33,472
God, you needed a break from
school and soccer and...
731
00:33:34,440 --> 00:33:36,032
(GRUNTS)
This whole Dad thing.
732
00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:38,708
What whole Dad thing?
733
00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:41,431
Nothing. Nothing!
734
00:33:41,840 --> 00:33:43,717
(GASPS) Does Dad
have a brain tumor?
735
00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:46,155
What? No!
No, no, no, no.
736
00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:48,037
God, no. Um...
737
00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:53,275
Your dad and I are going through
a rough patch right now.
738
00:33:54,080 --> 00:33:55,433
Are you guys gonna get divorced?
739
00:33:55,520 --> 00:33:56,839
What? No, no, no.
740
00:33:56,920 --> 00:34:01,118
No. We're not getting
divorced right away.
741
00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:05,275
I just want you to know that
no matter what happens,
742
00:34:06,240 --> 00:34:07,275
it's not your fault.
743
00:34:07,800 --> 00:34:09,518
Why would it be my fault?
744
00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:11,158
Why would you even say that?
745
00:34:11,240 --> 00:34:12,240
I don't know!
746
00:34:12,360 --> 00:34:15,238
Oh, my God, baby, I'm so sorry!
I suck at this!
747
00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:17,436
I just don't
wanna be weird, okay?
748
00:34:17,560 --> 00:34:20,028
Baby, please don't cry. Please...
No, no, no, no, no.
749
00:34:20,160 --> 00:34:22,435
Honey, I need you to look at me,
just look at me, okay?
750
00:34:23,320 --> 00:34:24,753
Baby, baby...
751
00:34:25,760 --> 00:34:28,069
I need you to know
that your dad loves you.
752
00:34:28,520 --> 00:34:30,078
That I love you.
753
00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:35,234
And I promise you,
you will be fine.
754
00:34:35,600 --> 00:34:36,600
(SOBS)
755
00:34:37,240 --> 00:34:38,514
How do you know?
756
00:34:38,600 --> 00:34:39,999
Because I'm your mom,
757
00:34:41,080 --> 00:34:43,640
and I know you
better than anyone,
758
00:34:43,720 --> 00:34:45,711
and I know what you're made of.
759
00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:50,718
Oh, honey.
760
00:34:50,800 --> 00:34:52,233
I love you.
761
00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:55,438
I love you, too.
762
00:34:59,080 --> 00:35:00,399
Hey, Coach?
763
00:35:01,320 --> 00:35:02,469
Coach!
764
00:35:03,200 --> 00:35:04,394
Fuck!
765
00:35:05,360 --> 00:35:06,998
Hi, Gwendolyn.
Hi, how are you?
766
00:35:07,440 --> 00:35:08,759
Listen, um,
I wanna talk to you about
767
00:35:08,880 --> 00:35:10,800
the starting lineup of
next week's game. Mmm-hmm.
768
00:35:10,840 --> 00:35:13,479
In particular, Amy
Mitchell's daughter, Jane.
769
00:35:13,600 --> 00:35:15,909
You know I can't discuss
specific players with you.
770
00:35:16,320 --> 00:35:18,231
And you know that
I chair the hiring
771
00:35:18,320 --> 00:35:20,151
and firing committee, right?
772
00:35:20,240 --> 00:35:23,596
So let's stop dicking around and
let's get to the fucking point.
773
00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:25,837
Please don't get
me fired, Gwendolyn.
774
00:35:26,560 --> 00:35:28,312
My cat just died.
Oh.
775
00:35:28,400 --> 00:35:31,039
And I'm really very
fragile right now.
776
00:35:31,920 --> 00:35:33,353
Bench the little dork.
777
00:35:34,200 --> 00:35:35,428
Yeah, she's fuckin' gone.
778
00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:39,000
I need this. This is my time.
Do you know what I mean? (CELL PHONE RINGS)
779
00:35:39,520 --> 00:35:40,555
(SNAPS FINGERS)
780
00:35:40,680 --> 00:35:41,680
(EXHALES)
781
00:35:43,480 --> 00:35:44,993
Go for Carla.
Hey, it's Amy,
782
00:35:45,120 --> 00:35:47,315
I just found out Mike is staying
with his Internet girlfriend.
783
00:35:47,440 --> 00:35:49,954
Oh, fuck him!
We need to get you laid.
784
00:35:51,040 --> 00:35:52,109
I wanna get laid.
785
00:35:52,200 --> 00:35:53,200
I'm on my way.
786
00:35:57,400 --> 00:35:58,799
I'm so excited.
787
00:35:58,880 --> 00:36:00,472
CARLA: Honey, I don't know,
what are you gonna wear?
788
00:36:00,560 --> 00:36:01,560
It's like a nun's closet.
789
00:36:01,840 --> 00:36:03,512
(GASPS) No, no, wait.
I got it, I got it.
790
00:36:03,640 --> 00:36:05,232
Let's see this!
791
00:36:05,840 --> 00:36:07,558
It's my favorite.
792
00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:08,880
I love it.
793
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:12,310
No! No! Are you trying
to get laid or adopted?
794
00:36:12,720 --> 00:36:14,551
Oh.
Fair point.
795
00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:15,640
Ooh.
796
00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:16,989
Okay.
797
00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:21,313
That's what a lonely
person gets buried in.
798
00:36:21,400 --> 00:36:23,277
Fuck, you guys,
I literally have nothing, then.
799
00:36:23,360 --> 00:36:25,191
I have mom clothes,
I have work clothes.
800
00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:27,874
Okay, you know, let me get
in there one more time.
801
00:36:27,960 --> 00:36:29,678
I'm gonna find it. Move. Move.
Move, move, get me in here.
802
00:36:29,760 --> 00:36:31,720
I have jackets, I have lots of 'em.
We'll find it.
803
00:36:31,800 --> 00:36:33,199
We'll find something, honey.
Don't get discouraged.
804
00:36:33,280 --> 00:36:34,349
AMY: Okay. Okay.
You can do this.
805
00:36:34,440 --> 00:36:35,998
I mean, Jesus Christ!
806
00:36:36,080 --> 00:36:38,799
This is something that
Mrs. Doubtfire would wear.
807
00:36:38,880 --> 00:36:40,757
I love that movie.
(GASPS)
808
00:36:40,840 --> 00:36:42,034
Me too.
Okay.
809
00:36:42,120 --> 00:36:43,200
KIKI:
It's such a good film.
810
00:36:43,240 --> 00:36:44,992
Wait a minute,
I see a spaghetti strap.
811
00:36:46,000 --> 00:36:49,709
No, hold on. This was, like, my slutty
Halloween costume from college.
812
00:36:49,800 --> 00:36:51,358
I like the word "slutty."
Put it on.
813
00:36:51,440 --> 00:36:52,839
Just try it.
Try it.
814
00:36:52,920 --> 00:36:55,434
You guys are ridiculous.
I'm telling you...
815
00:36:55,560 --> 00:36:58,199
Holy fuck!
Look at your mom bra! Ooh.
816
00:36:58,320 --> 00:37:00,675
There's so much surface area.
817
00:37:00,760 --> 00:37:03,877
You can make three regular
bras out of this one mom bra.
818
00:37:03,960 --> 00:37:06,758
This isn't my mom bra.
This is my sexy bra.
819
00:37:07,000 --> 00:37:08,513
(LAUGHS) Shut up!
820
00:37:08,600 --> 00:37:10,113
Don't laugh.
Wait, are you serious?
821
00:37:10,200 --> 00:37:11,428
Yes!
822
00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:12,919
Oh, honey.
Amy.
823
00:37:13,040 --> 00:37:15,156
Oh! That looks like you
just got out of surgery.
824
00:37:15,240 --> 00:37:16,434
Is it that bad?
825
00:37:16,520 --> 00:37:19,159
Yeah, there's just one boob-log.
Yeah.
826
00:37:19,240 --> 00:37:20,798
You don't even have two tits.
827
00:37:21,040 --> 00:37:23,240
I have this in black. Do you
guys wanna see it in black?
828
00:37:23,280 --> 00:37:24,429
No!
No!
829
00:37:24,600 --> 00:37:27,831
Oh, wow. This bra will be
the death of your vagina.
830
00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:29,638
(ALL LAUGHING)
831
00:37:31,120 --> 00:37:32,120
Oh!
832
00:37:32,200 --> 00:37:33,269
AMY: Oh, my gosh.
833
00:37:33,360 --> 00:37:36,830
You guys, I've only handled
one penis my entire life.
834
00:37:36,920 --> 00:37:37,955
Oh, honey!
835
00:37:38,040 --> 00:37:40,315
What do I do if I get
a guy with a weird dick?
836
00:37:40,440 --> 00:37:41,839
Kent is a never-hard.
837
00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:43,598
Ooh.
What's a never-hard?
838
00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:45,511
Oh, he never gets fully hard.
839
00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:50,236
So I just have to kind of fold his
penis up like a balloon animal
840
00:37:50,320 --> 00:37:52,151
and shove it up in my vagina.
841
00:37:52,480 --> 00:37:54,516
That sounds horrible!
AMY: Yeah.
842
00:37:54,600 --> 00:37:57,034
Sometimes I take the balls
and shove 'em up there, too,
843
00:37:57,120 --> 00:37:59,350
because at least,
you know, they're firm.
844
00:37:59,440 --> 00:38:02,591
Honey, that is a lot of shit
to shove up your cooter.
845
00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:04,671
I mean, I'm just
happy he's circumcised.
846
00:38:04,840 --> 00:38:07,308
(GASPS) What if I get somebody
who's not circumcised?
847
00:38:07,400 --> 00:38:09,197
Run out of the room screaming.
848
00:38:09,280 --> 00:38:10,872
It's like finding
a gun in the street.
849
00:38:10,960 --> 00:38:12,712
Just scream and get outta there!
850
00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:14,995
No way, you guys.
Uncut guys are great.
851
00:38:15,080 --> 00:38:16,080
Really?
852
00:38:16,160 --> 00:38:17,480
Oh, they're always
so nice to you,
853
00:38:17,560 --> 00:38:18,993
because they know
their dicks are gross.
854
00:38:19,080 --> 00:38:20,195
How do I handle it?
855
00:38:20,280 --> 00:38:21,508
What, do I just touch it?
Oh, I'll show you. Here.
856
00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:23,431
Let me just, Kiki, do you mind for a sec?
Uh-uh. What?
857
00:38:23,520 --> 00:38:27,274
Just imagine for a second that
this is the hood of the uncut cock
858
00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:29,789
and then this is the penis face.
Okay? Mmm-hmm.
859
00:38:29,880 --> 00:38:32,110
So, what you would
do is very gently,
860
00:38:32,200 --> 00:38:36,512
you would just kind
of try to peel it back
861
00:38:37,120 --> 00:38:39,793
over like that to expose
the head of the cock.
862
00:38:39,960 --> 00:38:42,269
Okay. And then you
would just gently,
863
00:38:42,360 --> 00:38:43,713
you wanna, I'm sorry,
honey, you just wanna kind of,
864
00:38:43,840 --> 00:38:44,989
like it gets a little tight,
865
00:38:45,080 --> 00:38:46,513
and you gotta kind of work it,
866
00:38:46,600 --> 00:38:48,192
you know, you gotta work it off.
867
00:38:48,280 --> 00:38:50,669
And then you just go to town
like it's a, you know...
868
00:38:50,840 --> 00:38:52,717
(GRUNTS) You know,
you jerk it off
869
00:38:52,800 --> 00:38:53,915
till you wanna sit on it.
870
00:38:54,040 --> 00:38:55,359
Okay? What do I do with this?
871
00:38:55,400 --> 00:38:57,595
What? Like, do I put it in a
hair clip or do I just...
872
00:38:57,680 --> 00:38:59,280
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, this,
873
00:38:59,360 --> 00:39:00,475
this you can flick it, suck it,
874
00:39:00,560 --> 00:39:01,595
you know, rub your face on it.
875
00:39:01,680 --> 00:39:03,432
I don't wanna do that.
I don't wanna rub my face on it.
876
00:39:03,560 --> 00:39:05,516
Okay, well, take care of this, though.
Okay.
877
00:39:05,600 --> 00:39:08,558
'Cause this is like a big,
giant man clit.
878
00:39:08,640 --> 00:39:09,640
This, right here.
879
00:39:09,720 --> 00:39:11,790
If you work this,
it's gonna be like...
880
00:39:11,880 --> 00:39:12,880
(GRUNTS)
881
00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:14,000
(MIMICS EXPLOSION)
882
00:39:14,800 --> 00:39:16,313
Does that make sense, honey?
Yeah, it's great.
883
00:39:16,400 --> 00:39:17,469
Okay. Sure, sure, sure.
Thank you, honey.
884
00:39:17,560 --> 00:39:19,710
I'm not gonna wear this
sweatshirt ever again.
885
00:40:04,240 --> 00:40:06,595
CARLA: Okay, okay, all right.
Let's get right down to it.
886
00:40:06,920 --> 00:40:07,955
What kind of guy
are you into, honey?
887
00:40:08,240 --> 00:40:11,437
(GASPS) You know what?
I've never been with a Latin man.
888
00:40:11,640 --> 00:40:13,278
If I were you,
I would start with maybe
889
00:40:13,360 --> 00:40:15,715
like just kind
of fat and Jewish,
890
00:40:15,800 --> 00:40:17,950
and then work yourself
into the Latin guy.
891
00:40:18,040 --> 00:40:19,439
Excuse me.
Okay.
892
00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:21,075
Hi, there.
Hi!
893
00:40:21,160 --> 00:40:22,160
Is this seat taken?
894
00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:24,113
Um, yes.
895
00:40:24,200 --> 00:40:26,919
I mean, yes, no,
like yes, sit, please. Yeah.
896
00:40:27,360 --> 00:40:29,032
What do I do?
Ask him about his hobbies.
897
00:40:30,120 --> 00:40:31,269
Hi.
Hi.
898
00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:33,794
Um, I'm Amy.
Braden.
899
00:40:33,880 --> 00:40:35,199
Braden, nice
to meet you, Braden.
900
00:40:35,280 --> 00:40:37,316
Nice to meet you.
I like your wedding ring.
901
00:40:37,440 --> 00:40:38,475
Shit!
902
00:40:38,600 --> 00:40:40,556
Um... (CLEARS THROAT)
903
00:40:40,640 --> 00:40:43,359
(STUTTERING) Okay, you see,
this is a funny story.
904
00:40:43,440 --> 00:40:46,000
I was, um...
I was grocery shopping
905
00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:48,514
and I found it on the floor,
and I picked it up and...
906
00:40:48,920 --> 00:40:50,148
And then I put it on.
907
00:40:50,880 --> 00:40:52,438
I'm gonna sit somewhere else.
Okay.
908
00:40:53,480 --> 00:40:55,471
Ooh, maybe next time,
try it without your wedding ring.
909
00:40:55,560 --> 00:40:57,073
Oh, that's a great idea!
Yeah?
910
00:40:57,160 --> 00:40:58,673
Yes.
Hey, ladies.
911
00:40:58,760 --> 00:41:00,751
Hi! Where are you
comin' in from?
912
00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:03,752
Uh, we live in
Westbury with our kids.
913
00:41:04,760 --> 00:41:06,512
Great. Oh.
914
00:41:06,840 --> 00:41:08,432
Oh, forget it. I'm really nervous,
you guys.
915
00:41:08,520 --> 00:41:09,748
You're doing great.
I know, I know. There is...
916
00:41:09,840 --> 00:41:10,840
You're doing great.
917
00:41:10,960 --> 00:41:11,995
Look it, there is so
much cock in here...
918
00:41:12,080 --> 00:41:13,320
Yeah... that if
you literally...
919
00:41:13,360 --> 00:41:16,670
Just try to act half-normal
and you are gonna get laid.
920
00:41:16,800 --> 00:41:18,916
Just don't be such a mom.
Okay.
921
00:41:19,920 --> 00:41:21,353
You should eat more soup.
922
00:41:22,120 --> 00:41:25,157
Oh, I loved breastfeeding until
my nipples started cracking.
923
00:41:25,840 --> 00:41:28,274
This should prevent the
stain from setting, okay?
924
00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:31,031
Tupperware! Pinterest!
925
00:41:31,160 --> 00:41:32,878
Explosive diarrhea!
926
00:41:33,000 --> 00:41:34,319
Does your mom know you're here?
927
00:41:34,920 --> 00:41:38,276
See, it wasn't just about a
dolphin getting a new tail.
928
00:41:38,360 --> 00:41:40,555
It was about a family
coming together.
929
00:41:44,840 --> 00:41:45,840
What did I say?
930
00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:46,955
(LAUGHS)
931
00:41:47,040 --> 00:41:48,189
Hey! Where are you going?
932
00:41:48,960 --> 00:41:50,029
Oh, my God, you guys.
933
00:41:50,120 --> 00:41:52,190
How'd it go?
Oh, horrible.
934
00:41:52,360 --> 00:41:53,634
What's the matter, hon?
What happened?
935
00:41:53,720 --> 00:41:56,393
I suck at this.
I just wanna go home.
936
00:41:56,480 --> 00:41:57,480
Oh!
937
00:41:57,560 --> 00:41:59,198
I really do.
Amy!
938
00:41:59,280 --> 00:42:00,280
Mmm.
939
00:42:01,520 --> 00:42:03,476
Jessie! What are you
guys doing here?
940
00:42:03,560 --> 00:42:06,597
We're just, you know, having
a little girls' night.
941
00:42:06,680 --> 00:42:09,672
Cool, so the husband's at home
with the kids? That's nice.
942
00:42:09,800 --> 00:42:11,119
Oh, mmm...
943
00:42:11,920 --> 00:42:14,150
My husband's not really
in the picture anymore.
944
00:42:14,240 --> 00:42:16,629
Yeah, yeah, she caught him
jerking off with a dairy farmer.
945
00:42:16,760 --> 00:42:18,193
He's a sex criminal.
946
00:42:18,440 --> 00:42:21,273
(CHUCKLES) I don't know where to start.
Are you okay?
947
00:42:21,360 --> 00:42:23,590
I'm actually really,
really good. Yeah.
948
00:42:23,680 --> 00:42:26,194
I'm glad I ran into you.
This is really nice.
949
00:42:26,320 --> 00:42:27,833
Yeah, me too.
950
00:42:27,920 --> 00:42:28,920
Me too.
951
00:42:29,240 --> 00:42:30,719
Okay, creepy.
Let's go.
952
00:42:30,760 --> 00:42:32,512
Let's go, creepy.
Yeah. (CLEARS THROAT)
953
00:42:32,720 --> 00:42:33,720
Okay.
954
00:42:34,000 --> 00:42:35,069
Have fun.
955
00:42:36,160 --> 00:42:38,116
You are so hard.
956
00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:39,872
Really, he's got a hard body.
957
00:42:40,800 --> 00:42:43,189
Thank you. I think.
958
00:42:43,280 --> 00:42:45,840
I cannot believe Amy is
talking to Jessie Harkness.
959
00:42:45,920 --> 00:42:47,592
I have dreams about
him braiding my hair.
960
00:42:47,720 --> 00:42:48,755
Okay, can you not
stand so close to me?
961
00:42:48,920 --> 00:42:49,955
Because I'm still
trying to get laid.
962
00:42:50,080 --> 00:42:51,433
Yeah, sure.
No problem. Okay.
963
00:42:51,560 --> 00:42:52,959
And don't dance walk.
964
00:42:58,520 --> 00:43:00,795
You work at the, uh,
coffee company, right?
965
00:43:02,120 --> 00:43:04,429
What? Yeah. Wait,
how did you know?
966
00:43:04,600 --> 00:43:06,272
I might have asked around
about you a little bit.
967
00:43:06,400 --> 00:43:10,029
Wait. You asked about me?
Yeah.
968
00:43:10,120 --> 00:43:11,189
Yeah, I...
969
00:43:12,080 --> 00:43:14,548
Okay, I've kind of always
had a thing for you and...
970
00:43:14,760 --> 00:43:16,671
What?
I thought you knew that.
971
00:43:16,760 --> 00:43:19,638
No! I had no idea.
No? You had no idea?
972
00:43:19,760 --> 00:43:22,228
Oh, come on. You're like my
favorite mom at the school.
973
00:43:22,320 --> 00:43:24,040
I mean, I honestly don't
know how you do it.
974
00:43:24,120 --> 00:43:25,872
You take your kids
to all those activities,
975
00:43:25,960 --> 00:43:27,400
and you do all
those insane projects.
976
00:43:27,480 --> 00:43:30,074
I saw your Richard Nixon, by the way.
That was incredible.
977
00:43:30,160 --> 00:43:32,958
Well, you know what? I do have a
little thing for papier-mâché.
978
00:43:33,040 --> 00:43:34,632
It was really good.
Thank you.
979
00:43:34,760 --> 00:43:36,560
Oh, and are you kidding me
with those lunches?
980
00:43:36,640 --> 00:43:37,959
You know, my daughter's
always saying,
981
00:43:38,040 --> 00:43:39,393
"Why can't you make lunch
like Dylan's mom?"
982
00:43:39,480 --> 00:43:41,038
Oh, my God,
I love your daughter.
983
00:43:41,160 --> 00:43:42,752
You're making me look bad.
Oh, my God.
984
00:43:42,840 --> 00:43:45,593
Oh, this makes me
so happy. (CHUCKLES)
985
00:43:45,680 --> 00:43:47,830
You know what's just
really amazing, though,
986
00:43:47,920 --> 00:43:50,115
is the fact that your kids
are actually nice people.
987
00:43:50,280 --> 00:43:52,589
Meh, eh...
No, no, I'm serious!
988
00:43:52,680 --> 00:43:56,832
Anyone could force their kids
to play cello or speak Chinese
989
00:43:56,960 --> 00:43:59,320
or, you know, go to a fancy college,
or something like that,
990
00:43:59,400 --> 00:44:02,710
but what's really
hard is raising kids
991
00:44:02,800 --> 00:44:04,392
who are actually decent and kind
992
00:44:04,480 --> 00:44:07,040
and somehow you've done that.
993
00:44:07,560 --> 00:44:08,595
And you should be really proud.
994
00:44:08,680 --> 00:44:10,318
You're a fuckin' great mom.
995
00:44:13,560 --> 00:44:15,391
(GROANS) Oh, oh...
996
00:44:15,880 --> 00:44:18,030
(CHUCKLING) Oh, my.
I'm so sorry.
997
00:44:18,160 --> 00:44:20,116
It's fine. Don't worry about it.
And I'm so embarrassed.
998
00:44:20,200 --> 00:44:24,352
You kind of nailed my face, but
we should probably do it again.
999
00:44:24,480 --> 00:44:26,596
Are you sure?
Just no sudden movements.
1000
00:44:27,880 --> 00:44:29,199
Just nice and slow.
1001
00:44:35,160 --> 00:44:37,037
Carla. Carla!
What, hon?
1002
00:44:37,160 --> 00:44:38,115
Carla, look, look, look, look!
1003
00:44:38,200 --> 00:44:39,200
CARLA: No, Kiki.
1004
00:44:39,360 --> 00:44:40,873
No, Kiki!
Kiki, no, no.
1005
00:44:46,880 --> 00:44:48,791
(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)
1006
00:45:08,400 --> 00:45:09,400
(CHUCKLES)
1007
00:45:15,600 --> 00:45:16,999
Mike!
Hey, babe!
1008
00:45:17,080 --> 00:45:19,833
What are you doing?
I wanna get back together.
1009
00:45:19,920 --> 00:45:23,071
I never should've left you.
That was a total dick move.
1010
00:45:23,880 --> 00:45:27,350
And I feel like we should
just put that in the past
1011
00:45:27,440 --> 00:45:28,759
and not talk about it.
1012
00:45:29,440 --> 00:45:31,635
Wait, what are you
talking about?
1013
00:45:31,720 --> 00:45:34,439
Look, I...
1014
00:45:35,400 --> 00:45:36,833
I just needed a break.
1015
00:45:36,960 --> 00:45:38,518
Haven't you ever needed a break?
1016
00:45:38,960 --> 00:45:41,030
Of course I have, Mike.
1017
00:45:41,120 --> 00:45:43,395
But I didn't break up
our family to do it.
1018
00:45:43,600 --> 00:45:44,600
(SIGHS)
1019
00:45:45,600 --> 00:45:46,749
I miss the kids.
1020
00:45:47,640 --> 00:45:48,709
So much.
1021
00:45:48,800 --> 00:45:51,360
Mostly Dylan, but even
Jane a little bit, too.
1022
00:45:51,440 --> 00:45:53,874
And the dog,
God, I miss Roscoe so much.
1023
00:45:53,960 --> 00:45:55,712
How is he doing?
He's fine.
1024
00:45:55,800 --> 00:45:58,553
Thank God.
The bottom line is,
1025
00:45:58,640 --> 00:46:01,393
I will do whatever it takes
to keep this family together.
1026
00:46:02,400 --> 00:46:03,400
Really?
1027
00:46:04,480 --> 00:46:05,920
You'll finally go
to therapy with me?
1028
00:46:05,960 --> 00:46:08,872
I knew you were gonna say that!
Therapy is so dumb!
1029
00:46:08,960 --> 00:46:10,473
Great. Get out!
Have fun. Bye-bye.
1030
00:46:10,560 --> 00:46:11,549
Hey! I'm trying to
do the right thing!
1031
00:46:11,640 --> 00:46:13,437
Bye-bye, Mike.
Honestly!
1032
00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:14,669
All right, you know what?
1033
00:46:14,760 --> 00:46:17,638
Even though it's a total waste of
time and money, I will go to therapy.
1034
00:46:17,760 --> 00:46:21,992
But when I say go, I mean, like
actually go, like participate, cry.
1035
00:46:22,120 --> 00:46:24,554
I haven't cried since the
Cubbies lost it all in '03.
1036
00:46:24,640 --> 00:46:25,755
How do you expect me...
Mike, you know what?
1037
00:46:25,840 --> 00:46:27,831
Have fun with your little weirdo
girlfriend on the Internet.
1038
00:46:27,920 --> 00:46:30,480
But wait, are we gonna
go to therapy or what?
1039
00:46:30,600 --> 00:46:31,669
I'll think about it.
1040
00:46:43,920 --> 00:46:44,989
Hey.
1041
00:46:46,880 --> 00:46:47,880
(CRYING)
1042
00:46:49,520 --> 00:46:52,193
Honey? Honey,
are you okay?
1043
00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:55,431
Coach says I'm not starting.
I'm a benchwarmer.
1044
00:46:55,520 --> 00:46:57,715
Wait, what?
No, that's impossible.
1045
00:46:57,800 --> 00:46:59,438
You're the best
forward on that team.
1046
00:46:59,520 --> 00:47:01,670
Oh, my God, my life is ruined.
I'm never going to college.
1047
00:47:01,760 --> 00:47:03,751
I might as well
just become a teacher.
1048
00:47:03,880 --> 00:47:05,677
Baby, baby,
look at me for one second.
1049
00:47:05,800 --> 00:47:08,189
You'll be okay. I promise
you I'm gonna handle this.
1050
00:47:08,560 --> 00:47:09,959
Okay?
Okay.
1051
00:47:10,040 --> 00:47:11,109
Okay.
1052
00:47:11,200 --> 00:47:12,428
Just please don't make a scene.
1053
00:47:12,840 --> 00:47:15,035
Honey, I would
never embarrass you.
1054
00:47:18,040 --> 00:47:19,268
(GRUNTS)
1055
00:47:19,720 --> 00:47:21,073
Gwendolyn made me do it!
1056
00:47:21,200 --> 00:47:22,189
Oh, my God.
Are you kidding me?
1057
00:47:22,360 --> 00:47:24,396
What is it with you moms?
1058
00:47:24,480 --> 00:47:26,948
I am a middle school
soccer coach.
1059
00:47:27,040 --> 00:47:28,553
All I wanna do
1060
00:47:28,680 --> 00:47:32,639
is make enough money to feed my
cats and fill my fuckin' Prius.
1061
00:47:32,720 --> 00:47:34,995
Grow some balls! Jesus!
1062
00:47:35,840 --> 00:47:36,840
Hey!
1063
00:47:38,520 --> 00:47:39,720
How dare you bench my daughter?
1064
00:47:39,880 --> 00:47:41,598
Oh, hi, Amy.
1065
00:47:41,680 --> 00:47:43,477
You have no right to do that.
1066
00:47:43,960 --> 00:47:45,473
Oh, actually, I do,
1067
00:47:45,560 --> 00:47:48,438
uh, because soccer
is a PTA-sponsored activity
1068
00:47:48,520 --> 00:47:51,830
and I am the president
of the PTA. So...
1069
00:47:52,680 --> 00:47:55,114
Oh... Okay.
1070
00:47:55,480 --> 00:47:56,629
Uh...
1071
00:47:57,680 --> 00:47:58,954
Well, um...
1072
00:48:01,000 --> 00:48:02,149
Not for long.
1073
00:48:02,240 --> 00:48:04,595
Oh, dear.
What does that mean?
1074
00:48:04,680 --> 00:48:07,274
That means I'm gonna run
against you for PTA president.
1075
00:48:07,360 --> 00:48:08,998
Oh. (LAUGHS)
1076
00:48:11,440 --> 00:48:13,670
(WHISPERING) Amy's husband
just recently left her,
1077
00:48:14,520 --> 00:48:17,273
so she's kind of having
a mental breakdown right now.
1078
00:48:17,440 --> 00:48:19,237
Oh, that's so sad.
1079
00:48:19,880 --> 00:48:20,880
Ooh.
1080
00:48:24,600 --> 00:48:26,511
You're goin' down.
1081
00:48:26,600 --> 00:48:27,669
GWENDOLYN: No, honey,
1082
00:48:28,080 --> 00:48:31,356
the only thing going down is
your husband on another woman.
1083
00:48:31,720 --> 00:48:32,948
Well, damn.
1084
00:48:35,520 --> 00:48:37,397
KIKI: This is
a terrible idea, Amy.
1085
00:48:37,840 --> 00:48:39,558
There's no way you can beat her.
1086
00:48:39,640 --> 00:48:42,359
Gwendolyn has been president of
the PTA for the last six years.
1087
00:48:42,480 --> 00:48:46,712
Kiki, she messed with my kid. I
can't let that stand. Come on!
1088
00:48:47,360 --> 00:48:49,032
KIKI: Right, but all
the different mom groups
1089
00:48:49,120 --> 00:48:50,240
are gonna vote for Gwendolyn.
1090
00:48:50,280 --> 00:48:53,238
She's got the attachment moms,
she's got the tiger moms,
1091
00:48:53,320 --> 00:48:54,389
the sad moms.
1092
00:48:54,480 --> 00:48:56,391
She has the blogging moms.
1093
00:48:56,480 --> 00:48:57,629
She's got the CrossFit moms.
1094
00:48:57,720 --> 00:48:58,720
Camel toe moms.
1095
00:48:59,160 --> 00:49:00,388
She's got the drunk moms.
1096
00:49:00,480 --> 00:49:01,708
The moms that you wanna fuck.
1097
00:49:01,800 --> 00:49:03,313
The moms that used to be dads.
1098
00:49:03,440 --> 00:49:05,715
She has the moms that
always have a limb broken.
1099
00:49:05,800 --> 00:49:08,109
The hairy moms.
The wearable art moms.
1100
00:49:08,200 --> 00:49:09,713
The juicing moms.
Mmm-hmm.
1101
00:49:09,840 --> 00:49:11,990
She has the moms
with the huge areolas.
1102
00:49:12,080 --> 00:49:15,516
The black moms, the lesbian moms,
the divorced moms.
1103
00:49:15,640 --> 00:49:18,029
She even has the divorced
black lesbian moms.
1104
00:49:18,120 --> 00:49:19,758
That is a really
hard group to get.
1105
00:49:19,840 --> 00:49:21,159
I love those girls.
1106
00:49:21,240 --> 00:49:25,472
Plus, Amy, if you lose,
she'll destroy you.
1107
00:49:25,600 --> 00:49:28,672
She'll put your kids in all the
dumb classes with all the dum-dums.
1108
00:49:28,800 --> 00:49:29,994
She'll give 'em
the crappy teachers.
1109
00:49:30,120 --> 00:49:32,759
You can forget about soccer,
she won't even give your kids milk.
1110
00:49:32,840 --> 00:49:36,435
But that's all the more reason
we have to bring her down.
1111
00:49:36,520 --> 00:49:38,476
I mean, you guys, she's a bully!
1112
00:49:38,560 --> 00:49:41,438
Okay, she wants us all to be
these perfect little Nazi-moms
1113
00:49:41,520 --> 00:49:44,671
and our kids to be hyper-stressed
and over-scheduled.
1114
00:49:44,760 --> 00:49:48,673
My daughter gets a new rash
every week, and she's 12.
1115
00:49:48,760 --> 00:49:50,034
You had me at Nazi.
1116
00:49:50,520 --> 00:49:54,274
I say we go punch that
chick right in the tits.
1117
00:49:54,360 --> 00:49:55,588
Yes!
1118
00:49:58,720 --> 00:50:01,188
Would you like a new
PTA president? Me too!
1119
00:50:01,320 --> 00:50:03,550
Hi. Meet the Candidate Night
tomorrow night, 7:30.
1120
00:50:03,680 --> 00:50:06,035
Here, honey. Take one.
Vote for Amy. Really?
1121
00:50:06,160 --> 00:50:07,479
Amy Mitchell.
PTA president.
1122
00:50:07,560 --> 00:50:09,869
Come tomorrow, 7:30,
Meet the Candidate Night.
1123
00:50:10,000 --> 00:50:11,000
PTA president.
1124
00:50:11,120 --> 00:50:13,031
No! No, thank you!
Take it!
1125
00:50:13,200 --> 00:50:15,031
Okay!
Great!
1126
00:50:15,560 --> 00:50:16,959
(LAUGHING)
1127
00:50:17,520 --> 00:50:20,034
I'll fuck your husband if you don't go.
I'll fuck him!
1128
00:50:20,160 --> 00:50:21,229
Vote for Amy!
1129
00:50:21,320 --> 00:50:22,389
Carla, get her!
1130
00:50:23,280 --> 00:50:24,998
Hey! Hey!
1131
00:50:25,080 --> 00:50:27,310
Don't you fuckin' run from me!
Don't you fuckin'...
1132
00:50:27,480 --> 00:50:28,674
Ah!
1133
00:50:31,480 --> 00:50:32,480
(CHUCKLES)
1134
00:50:32,600 --> 00:50:33,874
It's so cute.
1135
00:50:36,000 --> 00:50:37,319
So, how many people
do you think are coming
1136
00:50:37,400 --> 00:50:38,674
to the Meet the Candidate Night?
1137
00:50:38,760 --> 00:50:40,478
Well, I told all the
moms that I would
1138
00:50:40,560 --> 00:50:42,835
bang their husbands if
they didn't show up, so...
1139
00:50:43,000 --> 00:50:45,070
AMY: (CHUCKLES) Carla.
A lot. My answer is a lot.
1140
00:50:45,400 --> 00:50:46,594
Thank you, Kiki.
1141
00:50:48,640 --> 00:50:50,676
Oh, Jesus, you guys,
look at the kids.
1142
00:50:50,760 --> 00:50:52,671
My daughter won't stop studying.
1143
00:50:52,760 --> 00:50:53,760
CARLA: Oh, feel lucky.
1144
00:50:54,160 --> 00:50:56,879
All my kid wants to do with
books is rip 'em in half.
1145
00:50:59,000 --> 00:51:01,036
I just wish I knew
how I was doing, you know?
1146
00:51:01,600 --> 00:51:03,875
Yeah, that's the worst part
about being a mom, though,
1147
00:51:03,960 --> 00:51:06,793
is you don't know whether or
not you're doing a good job
1148
00:51:06,880 --> 00:51:08,199
until they're fully grown.
1149
00:51:08,280 --> 00:51:10,111
And by that point,
it's too late.
1150
00:51:10,240 --> 00:51:12,151
(AMY SIGHS) Your kid
is either a nice guy
1151
00:51:12,240 --> 00:51:14,595
or he's giving hand
jobs in an alley for rent.
1152
00:51:14,720 --> 00:51:16,480
I don't think those
are the only two options.
1153
00:51:16,760 --> 00:51:17,829
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
1154
00:51:17,960 --> 00:51:18,960
(CHUCKLES)
1155
00:51:20,040 --> 00:51:22,349
Yesterday, I gave
Bernard the wrong juice box
1156
00:51:22,440 --> 00:51:24,874
and he called me a dumb bitch.
1157
00:51:24,960 --> 00:51:26,552
Oh, my God.
Okay.
1158
00:51:26,640 --> 00:51:30,474
My kid still watches Sesame
Street and he doesn't get it.
1159
00:51:30,560 --> 00:51:31,913
(CHUCKLES)
1160
00:51:32,600 --> 00:51:34,431
My daughter's
scared of balloons.
1161
00:51:34,960 --> 00:51:36,473
My kid eats
butter like an entrée.
1162
00:51:36,600 --> 00:51:38,238
You gonna eat your butter?
1163
00:51:38,320 --> 00:51:39,958
My daughter stole money
from a homeless woman.
1164
00:51:40,040 --> 00:51:41,040
(KIKI SIGHS)
1165
00:51:41,280 --> 00:51:42,872
My son failed study hall.
1166
00:51:42,960 --> 00:51:44,791
Claire killed
our neighbor's ferret.
1167
00:51:44,880 --> 00:51:48,077
I mean, we all pretended like it
was an accident, but it wasn't.
1168
00:51:49,160 --> 00:51:50,479
She's a killer.
1169
00:51:50,640 --> 00:51:51,993
(LAUGHING)
1170
00:51:53,480 --> 00:51:54,480
Ugh.
1171
00:51:56,120 --> 00:51:59,556
I know we make fun of them, but
fuck, I love them so much.
1172
00:51:59,640 --> 00:52:00,640
KIKI: Me too.
1173
00:52:01,000 --> 00:52:03,309
I would literally
die for them right now.
1174
00:52:03,440 --> 00:52:04,953
Oh, you're making me cry.
(SNIFFLES)
1175
00:52:05,040 --> 00:52:07,156
I'm already there.
I mean, oh, my God,
1176
00:52:07,320 --> 00:52:09,390
you guys,
children are such a gift.
1177
00:52:09,520 --> 00:52:11,033
Every time I think
about that big,
1178
00:52:11,120 --> 00:52:13,031
dumb motherfucker
going off to college,
1179
00:52:13,120 --> 00:52:14,519
I wanna cry like a baby.
1180
00:52:15,680 --> 00:52:16,908
(BLOWS NOSE)
1181
00:52:25,360 --> 00:52:26,429
This sucks.
1182
00:52:26,520 --> 00:52:27,960
I can't believe
you're making me cook
1183
00:52:28,040 --> 00:52:29,917
my own breakfast
every single day.
1184
00:52:30,400 --> 00:52:33,119
You're doing awesome, buddy.
You really are.
1185
00:52:33,360 --> 00:52:35,157
Hey, so where's
my science project?
1186
00:52:35,600 --> 00:52:37,113
Oh, I didn't do it.
1187
00:52:37,200 --> 00:52:38,519
What? But it's due today.
1188
00:52:38,600 --> 00:52:40,511
Yeah. Yeah.
That's so unfair!
1189
00:52:40,640 --> 00:52:42,358
I know. I know.
I'm so sorry.
1190
00:52:42,480 --> 00:52:43,913
But you're gonna
actually have to start
1191
00:52:44,000 --> 00:52:45,479
doing your own
homework from now on.
1192
00:52:46,520 --> 00:52:48,636
I am a slow learner, remember?
1193
00:52:48,720 --> 00:52:51,996
You're not a slow learner.
You're just entitled.
1194
00:52:53,480 --> 00:52:55,080
Honey, do you know
what "entitled" means?
1195
00:52:55,760 --> 00:52:57,796
No. Because
I'm a slow learner.
1196
00:52:58,760 --> 00:53:03,117
It means that Mommy and Daddy
have been spoiling you,
1197
00:53:03,240 --> 00:53:06,152
and now you think the
world owes you something,
1198
00:53:06,240 --> 00:53:08,071
but it doesn't.
1199
00:53:08,160 --> 00:53:10,310
And if you don't learn
how to work hard now,
1200
00:53:10,400 --> 00:53:13,676
then you're just gonna grow up to
be like another entitled white dude
1201
00:53:13,760 --> 00:53:16,115
who thinks he's awesome
for no reason.
1202
00:53:16,200 --> 00:53:18,156
And then you'll start
a ska band,
1203
00:53:18,240 --> 00:53:21,516
and it'll be awful, and
you'll be mean to girls,
1204
00:53:21,600 --> 00:53:25,195
and you'll grow this ironic
mustache to look interesting,
1205
00:53:25,280 --> 00:53:28,317
but you won't actually be interesting,
and I'm not okay with that.
1206
00:53:28,400 --> 00:53:32,712
So will you please, please,
just do your own homework?
1207
00:53:34,160 --> 00:53:35,832
Fine. Jesus!
1208
00:53:35,920 --> 00:53:36,989
Great.
1209
00:53:41,680 --> 00:53:42,999
I love you.
1210
00:53:47,040 --> 00:53:48,519
So where are your kids tonight?
1211
00:53:48,600 --> 00:53:49,999
Oh, they're staying
at a friend's house.
1212
00:53:50,120 --> 00:53:51,872
I gave my kid $10
and a cell phone
1213
00:53:51,960 --> 00:53:53,200
and I dropped him off at Arby's.
1214
00:53:53,240 --> 00:53:54,753
He'll be fine for hours.
1215
00:53:55,600 --> 00:53:56,635
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
1216
00:53:56,720 --> 00:53:57,755
CARLA: (GASPS)
Somebody's here.
1217
00:53:57,880 --> 00:53:59,074
Amy for president!
AMY: Yes!
1218
00:54:01,320 --> 00:54:03,311
Hi. Nice to meet you.
1219
00:54:03,560 --> 00:54:06,597
Thank you so much for coming.
1220
00:54:06,720 --> 00:54:09,632
I didn't want her
to bang my husband.
1221
00:54:10,600 --> 00:54:12,033
No, she was just kidding.
1222
00:54:12,240 --> 00:54:13,240
Oh.
1223
00:54:13,320 --> 00:54:14,958
(MOUTHING)
I wasn't kidding.
1224
00:54:15,960 --> 00:54:16,960
Ugh.
1225
00:54:17,640 --> 00:54:19,631
Come in, come in. I'm
sorry, nobody's here yet.
1226
00:54:19,920 --> 00:54:23,117
Yeah, well, I figured, what with Gwendolyn's
party and everything. (CHUCKLES)
1227
00:54:24,360 --> 00:54:26,316
I'm sorry, what did you say?
1228
00:54:26,880 --> 00:54:28,791
Oh, nuts.
1229
00:54:29,080 --> 00:54:30,229
You didn't know.
1230
00:54:30,320 --> 00:54:34,074
Gwendolyn decided to throw a
competing party at her house.
1231
00:54:34,160 --> 00:54:36,628
And she has Martha Stewart.
1232
00:54:37,920 --> 00:54:40,150
How would you like to try
these special meatballs?
1233
00:54:40,240 --> 00:54:41,912
Now, I don't have anything
nice to say to anyone,
1234
00:54:42,000 --> 00:54:43,560
but I have to tell you,
I just love you.
1235
00:54:43,640 --> 00:54:46,074
I've always wanted
to be you, actually.
1236
00:54:46,160 --> 00:54:47,195
Yes.
Oh.
1237
00:54:47,600 --> 00:54:48,919
Martha, sweetheart.
Hi, hi.
1238
00:54:49,000 --> 00:54:52,072
Everything looks so beautiful.
1239
00:54:52,160 --> 00:54:54,754
Well, thank you so much,
and how's Blaire and Gandhi?
1240
00:54:54,840 --> 00:54:57,400
It's been nice talking to you,
Martha, but I have things to do.
1241
00:54:57,520 --> 00:54:58,589
Stop talking to her.
Okay.
1242
00:54:58,680 --> 00:55:01,353
Um, ladies? Hi, can I get
your attention, please?
1243
00:55:01,440 --> 00:55:03,749
Eyes here so I know you're hearing me.
PARTY GUESTS: Shh.
1244
00:55:03,840 --> 00:55:06,479
Listen, the program is gonna
begin in about five minutes,
1245
00:55:06,560 --> 00:55:08,596
so take your
assigned seats, okay?
1246
00:55:09,360 --> 00:55:10,713
Right now. Do it right now.
1247
00:55:11,160 --> 00:55:12,832
I can't believe
Gwendolyn would do this.
1248
00:55:12,960 --> 00:55:14,473
I'm so sorry, sweetie.
1249
00:55:16,480 --> 00:55:19,313
You guys, what are we gonna
do with all this shitty wine?
1250
00:55:19,680 --> 00:55:21,750
For the next two hours,
I'm gonna talk to you guys
1251
00:55:21,880 --> 00:55:24,314
about the advantages
of year-round school.
1252
00:55:25,240 --> 00:55:28,949
We need to change
our children's future
1253
00:55:29,040 --> 00:55:33,511
by making them go to
school 365 days a year.
1254
00:55:34,000 --> 00:55:35,274
(ALL LAUGHING)
1255
00:55:35,360 --> 00:55:36,634
Three, two, one, go!
1256
00:55:36,720 --> 00:55:37,789
(GASPS) Catfish!
1257
00:55:37,880 --> 00:55:38,880
Did she say it?
1258
00:55:38,960 --> 00:55:39,949
Drink again!
Drink again, drink again!
1259
00:55:40,040 --> 00:55:41,473
Why am I the one
that's always drinking?
1260
00:55:41,560 --> 00:55:43,118
Because you said the clue word.
1261
00:55:43,200 --> 00:55:44,394
KIKI: That's when
you say it.
1262
00:55:44,520 --> 00:55:45,640
I don't understand this game.
1263
00:55:45,720 --> 00:55:47,551
It's not a reading game!
(CARLA LAUGHING)
1264
00:55:47,680 --> 00:55:48,715
Okay, go.
1265
00:55:48,800 --> 00:55:50,472
Amy.
AMY: What?
1266
00:55:50,560 --> 00:55:52,710
Emu!
No, Amy!
1267
00:55:52,840 --> 00:55:53,909
(INDISTINCT)
1268
00:55:54,000 --> 00:55:55,479
It said fuckin' "emu"!
1269
00:55:55,880 --> 00:55:57,552
You're not good at this.
(LAUGHING)
1270
00:55:57,640 --> 00:55:59,835
CARLA: Drink!
Drink again!
1271
00:56:00,560 --> 00:56:02,915
I'm gonna take you
back a little bit.
1272
00:56:03,720 --> 00:56:04,994
Genghis Khan.
1273
00:56:05,080 --> 00:56:06,957
Do you think he had
year-round schooling?
1274
00:56:07,560 --> 00:56:08,993
I think not.
1275
00:56:09,080 --> 00:56:10,832
Skip forward a little bit.
1276
00:56:10,920 --> 00:56:12,478
Osama bin Laden.
1277
00:56:13,040 --> 00:56:15,200
(CELL PHONES RINGING)
He didn't have year-round school.
1278
00:56:15,600 --> 00:56:17,397
(INDISTINCT MURMURS)
There's nothing more dangerous
1279
00:56:17,480 --> 00:56:19,550
than summer vacation.
1280
00:56:20,800 --> 00:56:22,640
GWENDOLYN: Okay, ladies?
WOMAN: Yeah, let's go.
1281
00:56:23,000 --> 00:56:24,479
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
1282
00:56:25,360 --> 00:56:28,352
Hi, I'm Amy, nice to see you.
Come in, come in, come in.
1283
00:56:28,920 --> 00:56:30,558
Wow, there's a lot of you.
1284
00:56:31,320 --> 00:56:32,320
Ooh.
1285
00:56:37,440 --> 00:56:38,668
Are you sure you can't
stay a little bit longer?
1286
00:56:38,760 --> 00:56:40,352
I've only got my sitter until 9:00.
Oh.
1287
00:56:40,440 --> 00:56:42,112
So I have to
skedaddle right now.
1288
00:56:42,200 --> 00:56:43,520
Okay. No, I understand.
I'm a mom.
1289
00:56:44,280 --> 00:56:45,349
I had such a great night.
Bye!
1290
00:56:45,440 --> 00:56:46,680
WOMAN: We'll see you
over there.
1291
00:56:46,880 --> 00:56:49,269
Well, that ended a lot
earlier than I anticipated.
1292
00:56:49,360 --> 00:56:50,360
Yeah.
1293
00:56:51,600 --> 00:56:52,555
You don't think
they're all going over
1294
00:56:52,640 --> 00:56:54,756
to Amy's party, do you?
(LAUGHS)
1295
00:56:54,840 --> 00:56:57,434
Vicky, we had Martha fuckin'
Stewart here tonight.
1296
00:56:57,520 --> 00:56:58,999
Who does Amy have, hmm?
1297
00:57:01,960 --> 00:57:03,520
I'll drive. She could
have a point, yeah.
1298
00:57:03,560 --> 00:57:05,312
(ALL CHEERING)
1299
00:57:05,960 --> 00:57:07,393
This party is raging.
1300
00:57:07,480 --> 00:57:08,595
What a turnout.
(GASPS)
1301
00:57:08,960 --> 00:57:11,474
Hi, would you ladies
like a Jell-O shot?
1302
00:57:11,560 --> 00:57:14,120
Is that...
Is that...
1303
00:57:14,240 --> 00:57:15,639
Martha Stewart?
1304
00:57:15,760 --> 00:57:17,159
KIKI: Thank you.
AMY: Martha.
1305
00:57:17,560 --> 00:57:18,879
Oh, my God.
MARTHA: Good, right?
1306
00:57:18,960 --> 00:57:20,393
I'm cumming.
1307
00:57:20,480 --> 00:57:22,710
AMY: Oh, my God.
What's in this?
1308
00:57:22,800 --> 00:57:25,553
Well, it's bespoke
lingonberry gelatin...
1309
00:57:25,640 --> 00:57:27,631
Mmm.
...and a shitload of vodka.
1310
00:57:28,080 --> 00:57:29,080
(CHUCKLES)
1311
00:57:29,160 --> 00:57:30,309
They're delicious.
1312
00:57:30,400 --> 00:57:32,595
I start my day
with six of these.
1313
00:57:32,800 --> 00:57:34,199
(ALL LAUGHING)
1314
00:57:35,480 --> 00:57:37,471
Drink! Drink!
1315
00:57:37,640 --> 00:57:40,279
Drink! Drink! Drink!
1316
00:58:00,360 --> 00:58:01,360
(LAUGHING)
1317
00:58:09,440 --> 00:58:10,668
Whoo!
1318
00:58:36,360 --> 00:58:37,360
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
1319
00:58:39,240 --> 00:58:40,240
Whoo!
(CHEERING)
1320
00:59:14,440 --> 00:59:16,078
Holy shit.
1321
00:59:21,080 --> 00:59:24,197
Is that Jennifer Noonan
peeing behind that car?
1322
00:59:24,280 --> 00:59:25,508
STACY: Oh, my goodness.
1323
00:59:25,600 --> 00:59:27,750
VICKY: This party
looks awesome!
1324
00:59:28,320 --> 00:59:29,435
I need to go to this party.
1325
00:59:29,520 --> 00:59:30,635
What? Vicky!
Whoo!
1326
00:59:31,400 --> 00:59:33,675
Please, shut up!
Just shut up for one second.
1327
00:59:33,760 --> 00:59:37,275
I know it's a school night, so we're
just gonna get right down to it.
1328
00:59:37,400 --> 00:59:41,951
I wanna introduce you
to your next PTA president...
1329
00:59:42,440 --> 00:59:43,509
(ALL CHEERING)
1330
00:59:43,640 --> 00:59:45,949
Amy Mitchell!
1331
00:59:49,480 --> 00:59:50,959
Yes!
1332
00:59:54,840 --> 00:59:56,240
First of all,
I just wanna say this,
1333
00:59:56,320 --> 01:00:00,791
that I think that we, as moms,
do way too much stuff.
1334
01:00:01,320 --> 01:00:06,633
And if I'm elected, I promise
you we are gonna do way less.
1335
01:00:06,880 --> 01:00:07,880
Whoo!
1336
01:00:08,000 --> 01:00:12,278
Right? Less PTA meetings,
less luncheons, less fuckin' bake sales,
1337
01:00:12,360 --> 01:00:14,430
just less bullshit!
1338
01:00:14,640 --> 01:00:15,755
(ALL CHEERING)
1339
01:00:17,160 --> 01:00:18,275
AMY:
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
1340
01:00:18,360 --> 01:00:20,191
And I think that our kids
need a break, too, you guys.
1341
01:00:20,280 --> 01:00:23,670
Come on, now, school starts
way too fucking early, okay?
1342
01:00:23,760 --> 01:00:25,360
God, and they have
way too much homework.
1343
01:00:25,400 --> 01:00:26,389
I mean, our kids
don't even have time
1344
01:00:26,480 --> 01:00:27,959
to be kids anymore, am I right?
1345
01:00:28,160 --> 01:00:29,593
(ALL AGREEING)
1346
01:00:30,320 --> 01:00:32,675
And what is up with these five
standardized tests a week?
1347
01:00:32,800 --> 01:00:35,917
We should not be teaching our
kids how to be good test-takers.
1348
01:00:36,000 --> 01:00:38,719
We should be teaching them
how to be good people!
1349
01:00:40,520 --> 01:00:42,590
What is a standardized test?
1350
01:00:42,680 --> 01:00:46,275
So, if you're a mom who's
overworked, overstressed,
1351
01:00:46,360 --> 01:00:50,194
or if you're just a mom
who wants to do less...
1352
01:00:50,520 --> 01:00:51,669
ALL: Yes!
1353
01:00:52,440 --> 01:00:53,953
Then just vote for me.
1354
01:00:54,080 --> 01:00:55,718
(ALL CHEERING)
1355
01:01:00,520 --> 01:01:03,910
ALL: (CHANTING)
Amy! Amy! Amy! Amy! Amy!
1356
01:01:04,040 --> 01:01:05,632
This basic bitch right here,
1357
01:01:05,720 --> 01:01:07,073
she's gonna win the election.
1358
01:01:07,720 --> 01:01:09,199
No, she's not.
1359
01:01:09,320 --> 01:01:11,834
Because I'm going to
hit her where it counts.
1360
01:01:12,640 --> 01:01:14,551
You're gonna punch her
in the vagina?
1361
01:01:14,640 --> 01:01:17,473
I literally don't know why we
hang out with you anymore.
1362
01:01:27,360 --> 01:01:29,874
Do you know the best thing
about mom parties?
1363
01:01:29,960 --> 01:01:32,394
They end at exactly
11:00.
1364
01:01:32,480 --> 01:01:33,480
(CHUCKLES)
1365
01:01:33,800 --> 01:01:36,234
I made out with
so many women tonight.
1366
01:01:36,480 --> 01:01:38,516
I know.
KIKI: Guys...
1367
01:01:39,320 --> 01:01:41,550
I really like whippets.
1368
01:01:41,640 --> 01:01:42,640
(LAUGHING)
1369
01:01:42,760 --> 01:01:43,909
Hello?
1370
01:01:46,440 --> 01:01:48,078
Wow. Hey.
1371
01:01:49,320 --> 01:01:50,833
What are you doing here?
1372
01:01:52,400 --> 01:01:55,312
Well, you kind of
booty texted me.
1373
01:01:55,720 --> 01:01:56,720
Uh...
1374
01:01:57,240 --> 01:02:00,357
What? It was a great party, Am.
So, uh...
1375
01:02:00,760 --> 01:02:02,079
Okay.
You got all this, right?
1376
01:02:02,160 --> 01:02:04,071
Hi, Jessie.
I really like your clothes.
1377
01:02:05,240 --> 01:02:06,434
That was odd.
1378
01:02:06,880 --> 01:02:08,280
(INAUDIBLE) (CHUCKLES)
I'm so sorry.
1379
01:02:09,560 --> 01:02:10,560
Um...
1380
01:02:11,560 --> 01:02:15,872
I actually think Carla may have
booty texted you off my phone.
1381
01:02:16,040 --> 01:02:18,315
Oh, okay. (LAUGHS)
Okay, that makes sense
1382
01:02:18,400 --> 01:02:21,517
because what she wrote
was fuckin' disturbing.
1383
01:02:21,600 --> 01:02:23,511
Sorry.
It's okay.
1384
01:02:24,280 --> 01:02:25,952
Um, I don't know.
1385
01:02:27,280 --> 01:02:28,429
Should I leave?
1386
01:02:30,720 --> 01:02:31,869
No.
1387
01:02:35,760 --> 01:02:36,988
Uh...
1388
01:02:37,480 --> 01:02:39,516
I was really
hoping you'd say that.
1389
01:02:48,800 --> 01:02:51,712
So what exactly
did Carla text you?
1390
01:02:53,920 --> 01:02:55,148
Why don't I show you?
1391
01:02:55,400 --> 01:02:56,628
(GASPS) Oh.
1392
01:02:57,400 --> 01:02:58,435
Okay.
1393
01:03:02,240 --> 01:03:03,240
(GASPS)
1394
01:03:06,040 --> 01:03:07,553
Oh, yes!
1395
01:03:08,360 --> 01:03:09,360
(BOTH MOAN)
1396
01:03:16,000 --> 01:03:18,673
AMY: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. (JESSIE PANTING)
1397
01:03:19,640 --> 01:03:20,993
Oh, that was...
1398
01:03:21,120 --> 01:03:22,838
Unbelievable.
I can't...
1399
01:03:23,320 --> 01:03:24,389
(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)
1400
01:03:24,600 --> 01:03:25,749
What was that...
Wow.
1401
01:03:25,840 --> 01:03:27,273
That thing you did at the end?
1402
01:03:27,440 --> 01:03:29,192
(LAUGHS)
I don't know.
1403
01:03:29,280 --> 01:03:31,430
I kind of came up
with it in the moment.
1404
01:03:31,520 --> 01:03:32,555
Was it okay?
1405
01:03:32,680 --> 01:03:34,352
Oh, my God, it was amazing!
Yeah?
1406
01:03:34,480 --> 01:03:36,914
That was by far the best I've ever had.
Oh, God.
1407
01:03:37,040 --> 01:03:38,439
Oh, I was so worried.
1408
01:03:38,520 --> 01:03:40,400
You know, it's been awhile
since I've done this.
1409
01:03:40,680 --> 01:03:42,591
I think I got pregnant.
(LAUGHS)
1410
01:03:42,680 --> 01:03:45,240
Oh, my God.
Really. Hey.
1411
01:03:45,360 --> 01:03:48,238
Hi, yeah. Can I go down
on you again?
1412
01:03:48,520 --> 01:03:50,431
Oh, yeah, that'd be great.
1413
01:03:50,520 --> 01:03:51,635
Cool.
Okay.
1414
01:03:51,720 --> 01:03:53,517
Okay. Okay.
Oh, my God.
1415
01:03:53,840 --> 01:03:55,558
Okay.
All right.
1416
01:03:55,680 --> 01:03:56,680
Oh.
Mmm.
1417
01:03:57,200 --> 01:03:59,031
(GASPS) Oh.
1418
01:03:59,120 --> 01:04:00,872
Oh, look at you go.
1419
01:04:05,560 --> 01:04:07,039
VICKY: God,
it's dark in here.
1420
01:04:09,720 --> 01:04:12,553
(WHISPERING) God. I still don't
understand what we're doing.
1421
01:04:12,640 --> 01:04:15,234
Stop it. You guys never
tell me what we're...
1422
01:04:20,840 --> 01:04:22,910
GWENDOLYN: Vicky, why are
you so fuckin' stupid?
1423
01:04:26,160 --> 01:04:30,915
I like to start by saying that
every marriage is savable.
1424
01:04:31,040 --> 01:04:33,349
You just need two people who
are willing to work at it.
1425
01:04:33,760 --> 01:04:34,760
Okay?
1426
01:04:35,200 --> 01:04:38,078
Mike, Amy, I want you
to look at each other
1427
01:04:38,160 --> 01:04:41,914
and say three things that
you like about each other.
1428
01:04:43,960 --> 01:04:45,029
Mike?
1429
01:04:45,120 --> 01:04:48,032
Can I go second?
Okay. Yeah, sure.
1430
01:04:48,280 --> 01:04:49,918
Uh, Amy?
1431
01:04:50,240 --> 01:04:54,756
Okay, uh, Mike, I like that
you gave me my children.
1432
01:04:55,200 --> 01:04:57,668
Uh, I like that you pick them
up from school sometimes.
1433
01:04:57,760 --> 01:05:00,115
It's actually really helpful.
1434
01:05:00,640 --> 01:05:04,713
And, uh, I like that you
came to therapy today.
1435
01:05:05,320 --> 01:05:07,436
Okay, Mike. Your turn.
MIKE: Okay.
1436
01:05:07,920 --> 01:05:10,388
I like your spaghetti.
1437
01:05:11,800 --> 01:05:13,836
And you make
pretty good calzone.
1438
01:05:15,960 --> 01:05:16,960
Was that three?
1439
01:05:17,280 --> 01:05:20,909
That was like one and then 1A.
1440
01:05:22,160 --> 01:05:25,789
You know what? Um...
Let's try some role playing.
1441
01:05:26,560 --> 01:05:28,915
All right, Amy, I want you
to pretend to be Mike,
1442
01:05:29,560 --> 01:05:32,711
and Mike, I want you
to pretend to be Amy.
1443
01:05:33,280 --> 01:05:35,236
Okay? And now
I just want you to
1444
01:05:35,320 --> 01:05:37,675
just tell me about your day.
1445
01:05:39,800 --> 01:05:41,199
(IN FALSETTO)
Hi, I'm Amy.
1446
01:05:41,800 --> 01:05:45,793
All I did today was, like,
rub lotion on my face
1447
01:05:46,160 --> 01:05:49,391
and talk, talk, talk, talk.
1448
01:05:49,480 --> 01:05:50,595
Okay. Uh...
1449
01:05:51,480 --> 01:05:53,596
Amy, would you like to...
Yes, I would!
1450
01:05:56,120 --> 01:05:57,872
Hey, I'm Mike.
1451
01:05:58,320 --> 01:05:59,320
Um...
1452
01:05:59,440 --> 01:06:00,873
My life is awesome
1453
01:06:00,960 --> 01:06:04,157
because my wife takes care of
everything in the world for me.
1454
01:06:04,280 --> 01:06:06,271
This is the problem!
Here's the bottom line!
1455
01:06:06,360 --> 01:06:07,918
She's a perfectionist.
1456
01:06:08,000 --> 01:06:09,149
So what's the point
of even trying, okay?
1457
01:06:09,280 --> 01:06:10,315
How is that a problem?
1458
01:06:10,400 --> 01:06:11,913
And she hasn't given me a blowie
1459
01:06:12,000 --> 01:06:13,592
since my birthday
five years ago!
1460
01:06:13,680 --> 01:06:15,477
Are you fucking kidding me?
Which is so not cool!
1461
01:06:15,560 --> 01:06:16,788
Hold on one second!
1462
01:06:16,880 --> 01:06:18,154
You want a blowie?
1463
01:06:18,240 --> 01:06:21,277
Maybe if you cleaned the kitchen,
made the kids dinner,
1464
01:06:21,360 --> 01:06:23,749
cared for someone
other than yourself,
1465
01:06:23,840 --> 01:06:24,909
I would give you so many blowies
1466
01:06:25,040 --> 01:06:26,439
your fuckin' dick would explode.
1467
01:06:26,520 --> 01:06:28,590
My dick would never explode
'cause it's indestructible.
1468
01:06:28,680 --> 01:06:31,558
Oh, my God, I can't deal with you!
I can't fucking look at you.
1469
01:06:31,640 --> 01:06:32,640
I'm...
1470
01:06:33,520 --> 01:06:34,873
Mike, I...
1471
01:06:34,960 --> 01:06:36,439
I don't love you anymore.
1472
01:06:36,520 --> 01:06:39,034
I'm so sorry, but I just don't.
1473
01:06:39,160 --> 01:06:41,674
I'm so sick and tired
of pretending like I do.
1474
01:06:42,920 --> 01:06:46,549
That is exactly how I feel.
1475
01:06:52,360 --> 01:06:53,360
Okay...
1476
01:06:54,200 --> 01:06:58,239
Remember when I said that
all marriages are savable?
1477
01:07:00,360 --> 01:07:02,316
Well, it ain't gonna
happen for you guys.
1478
01:07:03,720 --> 01:07:05,392
So what do you
think we should do?
1479
01:07:05,760 --> 01:07:09,230
Well, as a therapist, I'm not
allowed to tell you what to do,
1480
01:07:09,360 --> 01:07:13,672
but as a human being with two
fuckin' eyes in my head,
1481
01:07:13,800 --> 01:07:17,918
yeah, I think you should get
divorced as soon as possible.
1482
01:07:18,760 --> 01:07:20,512
This is some catastrophic shit.
1483
01:07:44,120 --> 01:07:45,633
I think it's for the best.
1484
01:07:46,400 --> 01:07:47,594
Yeah. Me too.
1485
01:07:51,280 --> 01:07:52,429
Can I give you a hug?
1486
01:07:56,600 --> 01:07:59,797
Mike. I'm so sorry.
1487
01:08:02,520 --> 01:08:03,794
I'm sorry, too.
1488
01:08:04,320 --> 01:08:05,320
Mmm.
1489
01:08:10,280 --> 01:08:11,235
You gotta watch
out for you first.
1490
01:08:11,320 --> 01:08:14,278
Dale, why is there a
security guard in my office?
1491
01:08:14,440 --> 01:08:15,839
Hey, Amy, uh, I'm so sorry,
1492
01:08:15,920 --> 01:08:18,480
but we're gonna have to
positively transition you.
1493
01:08:18,560 --> 01:08:20,039
Are you firing me?
1494
01:08:20,120 --> 01:08:23,192
Yuck. Okay, that's not my word.
I don't like that word.
1495
01:08:23,320 --> 01:08:24,320
But, yes, I'm firing you.
1496
01:08:24,440 --> 01:08:25,440
Why?
1497
01:08:25,520 --> 01:08:27,272
Well, you quit
coming to the office.
1498
01:08:27,360 --> 01:08:30,477
Okay, maybe I've been slacking
off a little bit, but...
1499
01:08:31,400 --> 01:08:34,312
Tessa took two weeks off when Jon
Snow died on Game of Thrones,
1500
01:08:34,400 --> 01:08:35,435
and he's not even a real person.
1501
01:08:35,520 --> 01:08:38,114
To be fair, we all took two
weeks off when Jon Snow died.
1502
01:08:38,200 --> 01:08:40,320
You're the only person that
didn't take two weeks off.
1503
01:08:41,000 --> 01:08:42,194
But as a token of appreciation
1504
01:08:42,280 --> 01:08:43,680
for your six years
with the company,
1505
01:08:43,720 --> 01:08:45,597
I got you a very special gift.
1506
01:08:48,840 --> 01:08:50,193
You got me
the four-ounce bag?
1507
01:08:50,280 --> 01:08:51,952
Couldn't even
splurge for the eight?
1508
01:08:52,080 --> 01:08:53,433
(SHRIEKS)
1509
01:08:59,400 --> 01:09:00,469
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
1510
01:09:03,400 --> 01:09:04,400
What?
1511
01:09:04,520 --> 01:09:07,318
PRINCIPAL BURR: Ms. Mitchell, this is
Principal Burr. We need you to come in.
1512
01:09:07,400 --> 01:09:09,311
Okay, okay.
I'll be right there,
1513
01:09:09,400 --> 01:09:12,153
and I'm very sorry, Principal,
for how I answered the phone.
1514
01:09:15,360 --> 01:09:16,998
I'm sorry.
You found what?
1515
01:09:17,080 --> 01:09:20,277
I found marijuana cigarettes
in your daughter's locker.
1516
01:09:20,360 --> 01:09:22,999
Now, it looks like Sour Diesel
or a little Afghan Kush.
1517
01:09:23,080 --> 01:09:25,230
That's impossible.
She's only 12.
1518
01:09:25,360 --> 01:09:28,033
It happens. Snoop been
smokin' since he was five.
1519
01:09:28,160 --> 01:09:29,309
Those aren't mine.
1520
01:09:29,400 --> 01:09:31,311
I mean, Mom, I swear to God,
they're not mine.
1521
01:09:31,400 --> 01:09:32,628
Baby, I believe you.
1522
01:09:32,720 --> 01:09:34,711
And why were you looking
in my locker anyway?
1523
01:09:34,840 --> 01:09:37,991
We were tipped off
by a concerned parent.
1524
01:09:38,600 --> 01:09:40,318
Wait a minute.
1525
01:09:40,400 --> 01:09:42,834
Was this concerned parent's
name Gwendolyn James?
1526
01:09:42,920 --> 01:09:45,115
Hey, listen, I don't know nothin'
about Gwendolyn James, all right?
1527
01:09:45,240 --> 01:09:46,275
That woman scares me.
1528
01:09:46,360 --> 01:09:49,830
What I do know is this school
is a zero-tolerance school,
1529
01:09:49,920 --> 01:09:51,148
so that means that
your daughter's banned
1530
01:09:51,240 --> 01:09:52,878
from all extra-curricular
activities.
1531
01:09:53,160 --> 01:09:54,160
What does that mean?
1532
01:09:54,240 --> 01:09:55,753
That means you're
off the soccer team.
1533
01:09:55,920 --> 01:09:57,114
What?
1534
01:09:58,200 --> 01:10:00,270
Oh, my God.
Hey, my hands were tied.
1535
01:10:01,840 --> 01:10:03,068
Honey, baby, hold on.
1536
01:10:04,600 --> 01:10:06,955
That little girl
rolls a real tight jay.
1537
01:10:08,200 --> 01:10:09,679
This is all your fault.
1538
01:10:09,760 --> 01:10:11,432
Why did you mess
with Gwendolyn James?
1539
01:10:11,560 --> 01:10:13,312
AMY: Sweetie,
I am so sorry.
1540
01:10:13,560 --> 01:10:15,278
Honey, please,
I didn't mean for this.
1541
01:10:15,440 --> 01:10:17,192
Yes, you did mean to, Mom!
1542
01:10:17,600 --> 01:10:20,353
You were sick of
being a mom, so you quit
1543
01:10:20,440 --> 01:10:21,793
and you started partying
1544
01:10:21,880 --> 01:10:23,836
with your weird, new friends,
1545
01:10:23,920 --> 01:10:26,036
and blowing off work,
and, oh, yeah,
1546
01:10:26,120 --> 01:10:29,237
having sex with
Lori Harkness' dad.
1547
01:10:29,600 --> 01:10:30,749
So gross!
1548
01:10:31,160 --> 01:10:32,957
Honey, I know that you're mad.
1549
01:10:33,080 --> 01:10:35,355
I get it.
You are so selfish, Mom.
1550
01:10:35,440 --> 01:10:38,591
You are so selfish and
it frigging sucks, okay?
1551
01:10:38,720 --> 01:10:41,678
Baby, I'm so sorry. Tell me,
how can I make this better?
1552
01:10:41,760 --> 01:10:43,910
No. I wanna stay
with Dad tonight.
1553
01:10:44,000 --> 01:10:45,479
Even he's a better
parent than you.
1554
01:10:46,000 --> 01:10:47,000
(SIGHS)
1555
01:10:54,400 --> 01:10:55,515
Oh, my God.
1556
01:10:56,400 --> 01:10:59,039
Guys! Guys, guys.
Did you hear?
1557
01:10:59,120 --> 01:11:02,192
Amy Mitchell's daughter
got busted for drugs.
1558
01:11:02,320 --> 01:11:03,958
What? No way!
Yeah.
1559
01:11:04,480 --> 01:11:07,233
Look, I am not blaming Amy Mitchell.
I mean, my God, I would never...
1560
01:11:07,320 --> 01:11:09,675
Of course... ever
judge another mother,
1561
01:11:09,800 --> 01:11:12,075
but I think we really
have to ask ourselves,
1562
01:11:12,160 --> 01:11:16,551
do we want someone who is that
reckless and irresponsible
1563
01:11:16,640 --> 01:11:21,316
and mentally unhinged alcoholic
to be president of the PTA?
1564
01:11:22,360 --> 01:11:23,395
I don't know.
1565
01:11:23,480 --> 01:11:26,836
You know what? I never even liked her.
She looks foreign.
1566
01:11:26,960 --> 01:11:28,678
Oh, God.
Foreigners.
1567
01:11:28,760 --> 01:11:30,796
Listen. I think now
we just need to pray
1568
01:11:30,880 --> 01:11:34,077
that Amy's little crackhead
daughter gets the help she needs.
1569
01:11:35,040 --> 01:11:36,040
(INAUDIBLE)
1570
01:11:39,040 --> 01:11:40,473
Mike, if Janey needs anything,
1571
01:11:40,560 --> 01:11:42,755
and I mean anything,
just please call me.
1572
01:11:42,840 --> 01:11:45,115
Babe, it's gonna be fine.
I'm staying at the Waldorf.
1573
01:11:45,200 --> 01:11:47,839
They got an indoor-outdoor
pool, room service,
1574
01:11:47,920 --> 01:11:48,955
18-hole golf course.
It's killer.
1575
01:11:49,040 --> 01:11:50,871
You're staying at the Waldorf?
1576
01:11:50,960 --> 01:11:53,713
God, this is a divorce,
not a luxury vacation, Mike.
1577
01:11:53,800 --> 01:11:55,313
It's a safe hotel.
1578
01:11:55,400 --> 01:11:58,358
Wait, bye, angel!
Have so much fun with Daddy!
1579
01:11:59,360 --> 01:12:00,839
Can I get a hug?
1580
01:12:02,280 --> 01:12:04,953
No? Okay. Okay.
1581
01:12:06,560 --> 01:12:08,915
Oh, no, buddy, wait.
You're also going?
1582
01:12:09,000 --> 01:12:11,309
Dylan, you know
the hotel has TVs.
1583
01:12:11,400 --> 01:12:13,197
You don't have
to bring your own.
1584
01:12:13,320 --> 01:12:14,320
(ROSCOE WHINES)
1585
01:12:15,560 --> 01:12:18,632
Oh, Roscoe, not you, too.
1586
01:12:18,720 --> 01:12:21,234
Oh, the Waldorf's dog-friendly,
so don't worry.
1587
01:12:21,360 --> 01:12:22,679
Yeah. So.
1588
01:12:22,760 --> 01:12:24,398
Mike, please go.
Yeah.
1589
01:12:29,160 --> 01:12:30,354
Bye, kids.
1590
01:12:32,840 --> 01:12:33,840
(SIGHS)
1591
01:14:05,480 --> 01:14:08,358
PRINCIPAL BURR: Welcome to
the annual PTA election.
1592
01:14:09,560 --> 01:14:11,869
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
1593
01:14:13,320 --> 01:14:15,914
We will start with
the candidates' statements,
1594
01:14:16,000 --> 01:14:18,468
and since only one
bothered to show up,
1595
01:14:19,160 --> 01:14:20,479
she will go first.
1596
01:14:21,800 --> 01:14:23,313
Gwendolyn,
you have five minutes.
1597
01:14:26,000 --> 01:14:28,150
Thank you.
I'll talk as long as I want.
1598
01:14:29,000 --> 01:14:30,911
(MAN SCREAMING
ON TV)
1599
01:14:35,520 --> 01:14:37,795
God, this movie's depressing.
1600
01:14:38,320 --> 01:14:39,594
(KNOCKING) CARLA: Amy!
Amy, I'm sorry we're late.
1601
01:14:39,680 --> 01:14:40,999
Oh, my God!
It's Kiki's fault.
1602
01:14:41,160 --> 01:14:42,115
Sorry we're late, honey.
So sorry.
1603
01:14:42,200 --> 01:14:43,235
I had to pee.
1604
01:14:43,360 --> 01:14:44,475
What's happening?
Why aren't you ready?
1605
01:14:44,560 --> 01:14:45,629
What's going on?
1606
01:14:45,720 --> 01:14:47,039
What are you talking about?
1607
01:14:47,400 --> 01:14:49,231
What are you...
It's the PTA election.
1608
01:14:49,360 --> 01:14:52,193
Oh, my God, no. Sorry,
I'm not going to that.
1609
01:14:52,320 --> 01:14:53,719
What? Why not?
1610
01:14:53,880 --> 01:14:55,438
Oh, I don't know.
1611
01:14:55,520 --> 01:14:59,274
Maybe because my husband
left me, my kids left me.
1612
01:14:59,360 --> 01:15:01,191
My fucking dog left me.
1613
01:15:01,320 --> 01:15:03,436
All the moms in school hate me,
1614
01:15:03,560 --> 01:15:07,838
and I am a complete and
utter failure as a mother.
1615
01:15:07,920 --> 01:15:10,115
First of all, you are so
not a failure as a mother.
1616
01:15:10,200 --> 01:15:12,953
In fact, you're the best
mother that we've ever seen.
1617
01:15:13,040 --> 01:15:14,040
True that.
1618
01:15:14,160 --> 01:15:16,116
You give your kids salad.
1619
01:15:16,240 --> 01:15:18,231
You remember your
kids' birthdays.
1620
01:15:18,720 --> 01:15:20,915
I mean, I sat here
and watched you wait
1621
01:15:21,000 --> 01:15:23,594
until your kid fell
asleep before you got high.
1622
01:15:23,680 --> 01:15:26,240
Most moms do that, Carla.
1623
01:15:26,840 --> 01:15:27,989
(WHISPERS)
That's most moms, yeah.
1624
01:15:28,080 --> 01:15:31,709
Well, whatever. This is the worst
thing I've ever seen you do.
1625
01:15:31,880 --> 01:15:32,949
You've quit trying.
1626
01:15:33,920 --> 01:15:35,558
We don't quit!
Moms don't quit!
1627
01:15:35,680 --> 01:15:37,989
No! Quitting
is for dads!
1628
01:15:38,080 --> 01:15:39,080
Uh...
1629
01:15:39,760 --> 01:15:42,069
Listen, no matter what
shit is thrown at us,
1630
01:15:42,160 --> 01:15:43,229
us moms, we have to just...
1631
01:15:44,280 --> 01:15:45,759
We have to just keep going.
Mmm-hmm.
1632
01:15:45,960 --> 01:15:47,359
And do you know why?
1633
01:15:47,480 --> 01:15:49,232
Because we have
low self-esteem.
1634
01:15:49,360 --> 01:15:51,157
No. No, no.
1635
01:15:51,920 --> 01:15:54,036
It's because we love our kids.
1636
01:15:54,120 --> 01:15:55,360
It's because we love our stupid,
1637
01:15:55,440 --> 01:15:57,829
selfish, ungrateful,
little shit-faces!
1638
01:15:57,920 --> 01:15:58,920
That's why.
1639
01:15:58,960 --> 01:16:01,679
We love 'em so much
that we would do...
1640
01:16:02,440 --> 01:16:03,873
Literally anything for them.
1641
01:16:04,600 --> 01:16:06,397
You guys,
I can't win the election.
1642
01:16:06,480 --> 01:16:07,480
Oh, my God!
Amy!
1643
01:16:07,560 --> 01:16:09,152
Amy! This is not
about the election.
1644
01:16:09,240 --> 01:16:10,240
Amy, sit up.
1645
01:16:10,320 --> 01:16:11,992
This is about
standing up to the bitch
1646
01:16:12,080 --> 01:16:13,798
that hurt your little girl!
1647
01:16:14,000 --> 01:16:18,073
Now, are you gonna sit here and let
Gwendolyn get away with this shit?
1648
01:16:18,160 --> 01:16:19,912
Don't do it, Amy.
Fuck that!
1649
01:16:20,000 --> 01:16:21,228
Fuck it!
1650
01:16:21,680 --> 01:16:25,878
You are gonna rise up like a
small, little white Apollo Creed
1651
01:16:26,560 --> 01:16:28,841
and you are gonna look at
Gwendolyn and you are gonna say,
1652
01:16:28,960 --> 01:16:30,518
"You can do what you want to me,
I don't care,
1653
01:16:30,600 --> 01:16:31,635
"throw it at me,
1654
01:16:31,760 --> 01:16:33,990
"but you fucked
with my daughter,
1655
01:16:34,120 --> 01:16:35,519
"and now I have to fight you.
1656
01:16:36,640 --> 01:16:38,631
"I will fight you
in the playground.
1657
01:16:38,800 --> 01:16:40,791
"I will fight you
in the cafeteria.
1658
01:16:41,800 --> 01:16:45,475
"I will even fight you in the
parking lot of Trader Joe's.
1659
01:16:46,840 --> 01:16:49,479
"But I will have justice
for my little girl,
1660
01:16:50,640 --> 01:16:53,552
"because I am a fucking mom.
1661
01:16:55,120 --> 01:16:58,157
"And we protect
our young."
1662
01:17:00,720 --> 01:17:02,915
So get up off this couch,
1663
01:17:03,000 --> 01:17:05,958
turn off 12 Years a Slave
1664
01:17:06,040 --> 01:17:08,031
and let's body slam this bitch.
1665
01:17:11,560 --> 01:17:13,596
KIKI: Come on, Amy.
Come on,
1666
01:17:13,680 --> 01:17:14,954
get those tits up.
1667
01:17:15,040 --> 01:17:16,678
Get 'em up.
Get 'em up.
1668
01:17:16,760 --> 01:17:18,557
Get your boobs up.
Get those tits right up.
1669
01:17:18,680 --> 01:17:20,750
I'm gonna get my tits up.
Get your tits up!
1670
01:17:20,880 --> 01:17:22,518
They're getting up, you guys.
They're getting up.
1671
01:17:22,560 --> 01:17:24,073
I can see it.
Guys, my tits are gettin' up.
1672
01:17:24,200 --> 01:17:26,270
They're getting up.
They're getting up. That's it.
1673
01:17:26,360 --> 01:17:27,793
They are up!
1674
01:17:35,680 --> 01:17:36,680
(CARLA WHOOPING)
1675
01:17:37,520 --> 01:17:39,033
Go, go, go, go!
1676
01:17:39,600 --> 01:17:40,828
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1677
01:17:40,920 --> 01:17:42,797
(ALL SCREAMING)
1678
01:17:45,080 --> 01:17:46,080
Oh, my God.
1679
01:17:46,160 --> 01:17:48,754
I can't seem to locate
my safety belt back here.
1680
01:17:54,840 --> 01:17:56,512
This is a one-way street!
1681
01:17:58,360 --> 01:17:59,475
Move out of the way!
1682
01:17:59,560 --> 01:18:02,677
We're on our way to a PTA meeting,
motherfuckers!
1683
01:18:02,880 --> 01:18:04,108
Oh, my God, there's a truck!
1684
01:18:04,400 --> 01:18:06,311
Truck! Truck! Truck!
Oh, my God!
1685
01:18:06,600 --> 01:18:07,669
(HONKING)
1686
01:18:11,080 --> 01:18:12,354
Oh, my God.
1687
01:18:12,560 --> 01:18:13,709
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
1688
01:18:13,800 --> 01:18:16,394
Oh, shit. Oh, fun.
Kent is calling.
1689
01:18:17,000 --> 01:18:18,228
Hi, honey.
KENT: Kiki.
1690
01:18:18,920 --> 01:18:20,638
(CRYING)
The kids are going insane.
1691
01:18:20,720 --> 01:18:22,870
I can't do this.
You gotta come home right now.
1692
01:18:23,400 --> 01:18:25,152
But I can't come home.
1693
01:18:25,240 --> 01:18:27,959
I'm going to the PTA
meeting with my friends.
1694
01:18:28,040 --> 01:18:30,235
No, no, no, no.
I said come home now, damn it!
1695
01:18:33,680 --> 01:18:34,829
And I said,
1696
01:18:34,920 --> 01:18:38,833
"I'm going to the fucking PTA
meeting with my fucking friends,"
1697
01:18:38,920 --> 01:18:41,878
so stop being such a goddamn
pussy and make it work!
1698
01:18:42,560 --> 01:18:43,879
Kiki. Kiki...
1699
01:18:47,000 --> 01:18:48,000
(SCREAMS)
1700
01:18:48,400 --> 01:18:49,674
That was very exciting.
1701
01:18:49,760 --> 01:18:51,512
How good did that feel?
That felt good, didn't it?
1702
01:18:51,600 --> 01:18:53,431
It's very exciting!
Yes!
1703
01:18:53,560 --> 01:18:55,551
It's very exciting!
(CARLA AND AMY WHOOPING)
1704
01:18:57,360 --> 01:19:00,193
And it is for that reason
and the 47 others
1705
01:19:00,280 --> 01:19:02,157
that I laid out for you today
1706
01:19:02,240 --> 01:19:04,754
that I humbly ask for your vote.
1707
01:19:09,440 --> 01:19:11,271
All right, thank you, Gwendolyn.
1708
01:19:12,280 --> 01:19:14,635
Uh, well...
Sorry I'm late!
1709
01:19:17,080 --> 01:19:20,072
Actually, you're just in time to
give your candidate statement.
1710
01:19:20,160 --> 01:19:21,354
What's a candidate statement?
1711
01:19:21,480 --> 01:19:22,799
KIKI: Oh, I think
that's like a speech.
1712
01:19:22,840 --> 01:19:25,035
You got one of those, right, honey?
What are you talking about?
1713
01:19:25,120 --> 01:19:27,395
You don't have a speech?
(SOFTLY) Of course not!
1714
01:19:27,480 --> 01:19:28,629
It's all good.
1715
01:19:29,800 --> 01:19:31,028
She's got a great speech.
1716
01:19:31,400 --> 01:19:33,436
AMY: I'm not good at
this public speaking.
1717
01:19:34,800 --> 01:19:37,473
Hey, we're sitting here.
Move, move, sorry, move.
1718
01:19:38,000 --> 01:19:39,035
(EXHALES)
1719
01:19:42,840 --> 01:19:43,840
Okay.
1720
01:19:47,200 --> 01:19:49,316
Wow, there's a lot of you.
1721
01:19:49,400 --> 01:19:50,753
Introduce yourself.
1722
01:19:51,680 --> 01:19:54,433
Hi, I'm Amy Mitchell.
1723
01:19:54,560 --> 01:19:56,278
Good.
1724
01:19:56,360 --> 01:19:57,873
And I'm running
for PTA president.
1725
01:19:59,680 --> 01:20:00,680
(WOMAN COUGHING)
1726
01:20:01,160 --> 01:20:02,195
You're doing great.
1727
01:20:03,160 --> 01:20:04,229
Just 'cause
they're not responding
1728
01:20:04,360 --> 01:20:05,998
doesn't mean they think
you're terrible.
1729
01:20:10,440 --> 01:20:11,793
You know...
1730
01:20:13,520 --> 01:20:16,080
I know there's a lot of rumors
going around about my daughter.
1731
01:20:16,200 --> 01:20:17,200
(WOMEN MURMURING)
1732
01:20:17,680 --> 01:20:18,908
That's a bad place to start.
1733
01:20:19,040 --> 01:20:21,759
And I'm guessing a lot of you
think that I'm a bad mom.
1734
01:20:21,840 --> 01:20:22,875
Yes.
1735
01:20:22,960 --> 01:20:26,077
No, no. No, you know what?
You're right.
1736
01:20:26,600 --> 01:20:29,273
Sometimes,
I'm too lenient with my kids.
1737
01:20:29,360 --> 01:20:31,191
Sometimes, I'm too strict.
1738
01:20:31,280 --> 01:20:32,952
Well, we overestimated her,
obviously.
1739
01:20:33,040 --> 01:20:34,234
Sometimes, I'm so crazy
1740
01:20:34,320 --> 01:20:35,639
that I don't even
understand the words
1741
01:20:35,720 --> 01:20:37,199
that are coming out of my mouth.
1742
01:20:38,920 --> 01:20:42,879
You see, what works for my daughter
almost never works for my son.
1743
01:20:44,880 --> 01:20:48,316
And whenever I think I'm actually
starting to figure my kids out,
1744
01:20:49,440 --> 01:20:52,273
they grow up
and I'm back to square one.
1745
01:20:53,480 --> 01:20:56,677
So, the truth is,
when it comes to being a mom,
1746
01:20:57,560 --> 01:20:58,560
(CHUCKLES)
1747
01:20:58,640 --> 01:21:00,756
I have no fucking
clue what I'm doing.
1748
01:21:00,880 --> 01:21:02,313
(ALL LAUGH)
1749
01:21:02,760 --> 01:21:05,558
And you know what?
I don't think anyone does.
1750
01:21:05,680 --> 01:21:08,319
I think we're all bad moms,
and you know why?
1751
01:21:08,880 --> 01:21:13,874
Because being a mom
today is impossible!
1752
01:21:17,600 --> 01:21:19,636
I never doubted her.
I never doubted her.
1753
01:21:19,720 --> 01:21:21,836
She's doing great.
She's a natural.
1754
01:21:21,920 --> 01:21:25,913
So can we all just please stop
pretending like we have it figured out
1755
01:21:26,000 --> 01:21:28,036
and stop judging
each other for once?
1756
01:21:29,080 --> 01:21:31,719
Look, I'm running
for PTA president because...
1757
01:21:31,800 --> 01:21:34,598
Because I want our
school to be a place
1758
01:21:34,680 --> 01:21:37,194
where you can make mistakes,
where you can be yourself,
1759
01:21:37,280 --> 01:21:39,430
where you're being judged
on how hard you work
1760
01:21:39,520 --> 01:21:42,159
and not on what you bring
to the fucking bake sale.
1761
01:21:42,240 --> 01:21:43,593
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
1762
01:21:46,360 --> 01:21:47,509
Yeah!
Yeah!
1763
01:21:47,600 --> 01:21:51,195
I want our school to be a place
where it's okay to be a bad mom.
1764
01:21:51,280 --> 01:21:52,713
Do you know what I mean?
1765
01:21:53,320 --> 01:21:55,959
My kids haven't had
a bath in three weeks.
1766
01:21:56,560 --> 01:21:58,869
That's okay! Listen,
we've all been there. (ALL CLAPPING)
1767
01:21:58,960 --> 01:22:03,670
I confiscated my son's weed and
then I smoked the shit out of it!
1768
01:22:05,080 --> 01:22:06,672
(YELLS)
What's your number?
1769
01:22:06,760 --> 01:22:09,433
I give my kids a Benadryl
every Tuesday night
1770
01:22:09,520 --> 01:22:10,873
so I can watch The Voice.
1771
01:22:11,480 --> 01:22:12,480
(LAUGHS)
1772
01:22:13,000 --> 01:22:15,036
I can't tell my twins apart!
1773
01:22:15,120 --> 01:22:17,236
I let my 7-year-old
watch Mad Max.
1774
01:22:17,320 --> 01:22:19,197
I drink margaritas
for breakfast.
1775
01:22:19,280 --> 01:22:21,475
I threw my son's
violin in the garbage.
1776
01:22:21,800 --> 01:22:23,392
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
1777
01:22:25,040 --> 01:22:27,156
Oh, honey,
we don't speak Spanish.
1778
01:22:27,240 --> 01:22:29,879
I like my nanny better
than I like my husband.
1779
01:22:29,960 --> 01:22:31,360
Wait, really?
(WOMEN GASP AND CHEER)
1780
01:22:32,320 --> 01:22:33,320
(WHOOPING)
1781
01:22:33,400 --> 01:22:34,958
Yeah, you do!
1782
01:22:35,240 --> 01:22:36,434
I don't even have kids!
1783
01:22:36,520 --> 01:22:38,988
I just come to PTA meetings
because I'm lonely.
1784
01:22:39,160 --> 01:22:40,593
CROWD: Aw.
(APPLAUSE)
1785
01:22:42,840 --> 01:22:43,840
AMY: Here's the thing.
1786
01:22:44,320 --> 01:22:45,719
If you're a perfect mom
1787
01:22:45,800 --> 01:22:48,394
who's got this whole
parenting thing figured out,
1788
01:22:48,480 --> 01:22:51,153
well, then, you should
probably vote for Gwendolyn,
1789
01:22:51,320 --> 01:22:53,356
'cause she's amazing.
1790
01:22:53,520 --> 01:22:54,520
Yes.
1791
01:22:54,680 --> 01:22:56,750
But if you're a bad mom like me
1792
01:22:56,840 --> 01:22:58,990
and you have no fucking clue
what you're doing,
1793
01:22:59,800 --> 01:23:02,712
or you're just sick of being
judged all the time...
1794
01:23:04,880 --> 01:23:06,518
Then please vote for me.
1795
01:23:07,800 --> 01:23:09,320
Thank you.
(LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
1796
01:23:11,560 --> 01:23:12,959
Oh, my God!
1797
01:23:16,920 --> 01:23:18,319
Are you kidding me?
1798
01:23:34,360 --> 01:23:35,475
Yes!
1799
01:23:35,560 --> 01:23:36,720
ALL: (CHANTING)
Amy! Amy! Amy!
1800
01:23:36,760 --> 01:23:39,513
Look at that!
This is your PTA president!
1801
01:23:46,480 --> 01:23:48,869
ALL: (CHANTING)
Amy! Amy! Amy!
1802
01:23:49,360 --> 01:23:50,634
Oh, mama.
1803
01:23:50,720 --> 01:23:52,711
I feel invigorated.
This is so great!
1804
01:23:52,840 --> 01:23:55,559
I still can't believe you won.
I know!
1805
01:23:55,640 --> 01:23:58,029
Oh, I'm so happy you guys
dragged me out of the house.
1806
01:23:58,640 --> 01:24:00,949
Oh, sweetheart, I didn't
doubt you for a second.
1807
01:24:01,120 --> 01:24:03,634
Oh, God, you know,
I forgot what it was
1808
01:24:03,720 --> 01:24:04,835
like to have real friends,
1809
01:24:04,920 --> 01:24:07,275
like, true friends.
1810
01:24:07,360 --> 01:24:08,360
I know.
1811
01:24:08,400 --> 01:24:11,676
Before you guys, my only friend
was that lady on Google Maps.
1812
01:24:11,840 --> 01:24:12,909
(LAUGHS)
1813
01:24:13,520 --> 01:24:15,112
You're pretty much
the first bitches
1814
01:24:15,200 --> 01:24:17,270
to ever talk to me
at this school, so...
1815
01:24:17,400 --> 01:24:20,278
I'm so happy we found
each other, you guys.
1816
01:24:20,360 --> 01:24:21,918
Me too.
Me three.
1817
01:24:22,000 --> 01:24:24,036
Let's hug for
a really long time.
1818
01:24:24,160 --> 01:24:26,549
Come on, bring it in.
Bring it in.
1819
01:24:27,040 --> 01:24:28,189
(KIKI LAUGHS)
1820
01:24:28,760 --> 01:24:30,990
(SAD MUSIC PLAYING OVER CAR STEREO)
(GWENDOLYN SOBBING)
1821
01:24:31,800 --> 01:24:34,189
Hey, will you guys
give me, like, a second?
1822
01:24:35,440 --> 01:24:37,237
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, honey. Sure.
1823
01:24:37,320 --> 01:24:38,514
Okay.
Sure, take a minute.
1824
01:24:38,600 --> 01:24:39,874
Digest it.
Thanks.
1825
01:24:54,800 --> 01:24:56,320
What, did you come
to gloat? (SNIFFLES)
1826
01:24:56,360 --> 01:24:58,635
No. No, no, I'm just
seeing if you're okay.
1827
01:24:58,760 --> 01:25:01,593
I'm fine. Everything's fine.
I'm fine.
1828
01:25:01,720 --> 01:25:04,553
Okay. I don't wanna bother you.
No, I'm good.
1829
01:25:04,640 --> 01:25:06,471
It's just that the PTA
1830
01:25:07,560 --> 01:25:10,632
was the only good thing in my
life and now I've lost that, too.
1831
01:25:11,240 --> 01:25:13,515
Come on, Gwendolyn,
your life is awesome.
1832
01:25:14,120 --> 01:25:16,475
You have, like, three boats.
1833
01:25:16,560 --> 01:25:18,994
I have four boats.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
1834
01:25:19,560 --> 01:25:24,236
But, no... (SCOFFS)
My life is so not awesome.
1835
01:25:25,240 --> 01:25:27,231
Gwendolyn, what could
possibly be wrong?
1836
01:25:27,320 --> 01:25:28,320
Oh, God.
1837
01:25:29,200 --> 01:25:30,679
Okay, well,
1838
01:25:31,520 --> 01:25:33,238
for starters...
(SNIFFLES)
1839
01:25:33,320 --> 01:25:36,073
My husband was just arrested
for embezzling
1840
01:25:36,160 --> 01:25:38,469
$100 million from
a children's charity.
1841
01:25:39,680 --> 01:25:41,910
(VOICE BREAKING)
And I have night terrors.
1842
01:25:42,000 --> 01:25:46,039
And I have to take Vicodin every 20
minutes, and I'm not even in any pain.
1843
01:25:46,480 --> 01:25:48,516
I'm just addicted to them now.
1844
01:25:48,600 --> 01:25:49,749
I'm pretty sure
my brother-in-law
1845
01:25:49,840 --> 01:25:52,229
just joined ISIS,
and he's a Jew!
1846
01:25:52,960 --> 01:25:56,873
Oh, and also, my DVR just
stopped recording Castle.
1847
01:25:56,960 --> 01:25:58,234
Just out of nowhere.
1848
01:25:58,320 --> 01:26:01,198
Like, how the fuck
does that even happen?
1849
01:26:01,280 --> 01:26:03,840
And I am the only thing
holding my family together,
1850
01:26:03,920 --> 01:26:07,629
so, yeah, it's awesome.
1851
01:26:08,720 --> 01:26:10,039
It's just awesome.
1852
01:26:10,360 --> 01:26:11,360
Wow.
1853
01:26:11,440 --> 01:26:14,398
I had no idea.
Yeah.
1854
01:26:15,440 --> 01:26:18,238
You just always acted like
everything was so perfect.
1855
01:26:24,080 --> 01:26:25,274
Hey,
1856
01:26:25,360 --> 01:26:27,954
I'm really sorry about
what I did to your daughter.
1857
01:26:28,640 --> 01:26:31,837
I promise you I will get her back
on the soccer team, all right?
1858
01:26:34,440 --> 01:26:37,398
I know that was
a really shitty thing to do.
1859
01:26:38,200 --> 01:26:39,872
Yeah.
Even for me.
1860
01:26:40,440 --> 01:26:42,670
Listen, we're all
bad moms, right?
1861
01:26:42,800 --> 01:26:43,869
Yeah.
1862
01:26:44,880 --> 01:26:46,840
That was literally the only
thing you said tonight
1863
01:26:46,880 --> 01:26:48,199
that made any fuckin' sense.
1864
01:26:48,280 --> 01:26:49,474
(LAUGHS)
1865
01:26:51,160 --> 01:26:52,160
Bye.
1866
01:27:10,000 --> 01:27:12,355
Hey, guys. Can I talk
to you for a second?
1867
01:27:12,440 --> 01:27:13,555
Yeah.
1868
01:27:16,360 --> 01:27:17,360
Look, I just wanna say
1869
01:27:17,440 --> 01:27:19,476
I'm really sorry for how
I've been acting lately.
1870
01:27:19,600 --> 01:27:22,239
Oh, it's fine. Yeah, it's just
menopause, right?
1871
01:27:22,360 --> 01:27:24,476
(CHUCKLES) No.
It's not menopause.
1872
01:27:24,560 --> 01:27:26,630
And I'm sorry
for acting so crazy
1873
01:27:26,760 --> 01:27:27,880
about the whole soccer thing.
1874
01:27:28,560 --> 01:27:30,630
I'm really trying
to chill out more.
1875
01:27:30,720 --> 01:27:32,836
I mean, it's just
soccer. Right?
1876
01:27:33,480 --> 01:27:35,038
I got you back on
the soccer team.
1877
01:27:35,120 --> 01:27:36,838
Shut up!
Shut up.
1878
01:27:36,920 --> 01:27:39,036
Shut your face!
Oh, my God.
1879
01:27:39,120 --> 01:27:40,519
Thank you so much, Mom.
(CHUCKLES)
1880
01:27:41,440 --> 01:27:42,919
Oh, I love you.
Get in here.
1881
01:27:43,520 --> 01:27:45,829
There. Oh, I love you guys
so much.
1882
01:27:45,920 --> 01:27:47,478
You're amazing kids.
1883
01:27:48,240 --> 01:27:51,277
I promise, I promise
to always be here for you.
1884
01:27:52,200 --> 01:27:53,200
Oh.
1885
01:27:53,640 --> 01:27:54,914
My babies.
1886
01:27:55,040 --> 01:27:56,040
(OVEN DINGS)
Oh...
1887
01:27:56,120 --> 01:27:57,633
I almost forgot!
Where is he going?
1888
01:27:58,440 --> 01:27:59,634
Why is he touching the oven?
1889
01:28:02,640 --> 01:28:04,198
DYLAN: I made a frittata.
1890
01:28:04,840 --> 01:28:08,389
Did you just say "frittata"?
1891
01:28:08,480 --> 01:28:09,993
You said you weren't gonna
cook for us anymore,
1892
01:28:10,080 --> 01:28:11,798
so I taught myself how to cook.
1893
01:28:12,800 --> 01:28:16,270
Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you!
Get in here. I love you.
1894
01:28:16,360 --> 01:28:18,157
I love you. Okay, okay,
all right, all right.
1895
01:28:18,240 --> 01:28:19,639
Okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay.
1896
01:28:19,720 --> 01:28:20,720
All right, okay, let go.
1897
01:28:20,840 --> 01:28:22,592
Okay. I gotta go
do my homework.
1898
01:28:24,360 --> 01:28:25,588
Who are you?
1899
01:28:25,680 --> 01:28:26,680
(SONG PLAYING)
1900
01:28:28,920 --> 01:28:30,672
I said, "You're holding back"
1901
01:28:30,760 --> 01:28:33,354
She said,
"Shut up and dance with me!"
1902
01:28:33,440 --> 01:28:36,000
This woman is my destiny
1903
01:28:36,200 --> 01:28:40,876
She said, "Ooh-ooh-hoo,
Shut up and dance with me!"
1904
01:28:41,200 --> 01:28:42,838
(LAUGHS)
(CELL PHON E RINGS)
1905
01:28:43,480 --> 01:28:45,948
Oh, hold on. Sorry, guys.
One sec, one sec.
1906
01:28:46,840 --> 01:28:48,432
Hello, this is Amy.
1907
01:28:48,520 --> 01:28:49,635
Hey, Amy, it's Dale.
1908
01:28:50,160 --> 01:28:52,880
The company is falling apart without you.
Could you please come back?
1909
01:28:52,960 --> 01:28:54,757
I will give you
whatever you want.
1910
01:28:55,240 --> 01:28:56,912
Whatever?
Whatever I want?
1911
01:28:57,000 --> 01:28:58,399
Yes! Yes! Anything.
1912
01:28:58,920 --> 01:29:03,072
Okay, um, well,
I wanna double my pay.
1913
01:29:03,760 --> 01:29:07,594
I wanna work from
home two days a week.
1914
01:29:07,880 --> 01:29:12,317
Oh, and I wanna hire three
women over the age of 12
1915
01:29:12,400 --> 01:29:13,753
to fill out my team.
1916
01:29:13,840 --> 01:29:16,195
Okay, okay, fine. Anything you want.
Can you start today?
1917
01:29:16,280 --> 01:29:18,157
Oh, no, no. No, sorry,
today's not good for me.
1918
01:29:18,240 --> 01:29:20,549
I'll start sometime next week.
Thanks. Bye-bye.
1919
01:29:22,480 --> 01:29:23,480
(SCREAMS)
1920
01:29:33,960 --> 01:29:35,029
Come here.
Love you.
1921
01:29:35,760 --> 01:29:36,988
Great day at school.
Love you, Mom.
1922
01:29:37,080 --> 01:29:39,389
I love you kiddos.
Be great, okay?
1923
01:29:39,480 --> 01:29:40,913
Okay.
Be amazing. Be awesome.
1924
01:29:41,840 --> 01:29:42,909
Love you!
1925
01:29:44,440 --> 01:29:45,475
(SIGHS)
1926
01:29:48,200 --> 01:29:49,599
When did they get so big?
1927
01:29:50,720 --> 01:29:51,835
I don't know.
1928
01:29:54,520 --> 01:29:56,988
Hey, what would happen
if I came over Friday night,
1929
01:29:57,120 --> 01:29:58,320
brought a great bottle of wine,
1930
01:29:58,400 --> 01:29:59,680
you know,
made you a nice dinner,
1931
01:29:59,760 --> 01:30:02,160
maybe ran you a hot bath and
someone just took care of you...
1932
01:30:02,240 --> 01:30:04,310
I love you.
...for a change?
1933
01:30:04,400 --> 01:30:05,958
What did you just say?
What?
1934
01:30:06,040 --> 01:30:07,519
What was that?
I said nothing.
1935
01:30:07,600 --> 01:30:09,909
You said nothing.
I meant to say that I...
1936
01:30:10,000 --> 01:30:12,195
God, I would love that.
I would love that.
1937
01:30:12,480 --> 01:30:13,833
Great.
Yeah.
1938
01:30:15,320 --> 01:30:16,912
I'll see you Friday.
Okay.
1939
01:30:24,320 --> 01:30:26,880
I'll see you after school.
Be good, okay?
1940
01:30:28,720 --> 01:30:29,869
VICKY: Hey, how's it going?
1941
01:30:29,960 --> 01:30:31,916
I'm doing amazing.
1942
01:30:32,760 --> 01:30:36,435
I slept in late, skipped my workout,
had, like, four donuts.
1943
01:30:36,520 --> 01:30:37,635
I told these kids,
1944
01:30:37,720 --> 01:30:39,711
"Look, you get yourself
ready for school today."
1945
01:30:39,800 --> 01:30:42,598
And my husband totally
Fifty-Shaded me this morning.
1946
01:30:42,960 --> 01:30:44,871
Oh.
I've never felt better.
1947
01:30:45,080 --> 01:30:46,080
Wow.
1948
01:30:46,160 --> 01:30:47,309
Yeah.
1949
01:30:55,160 --> 01:30:56,160
Hi!
1950
01:30:57,280 --> 01:30:58,998
Did you remember
Maddie's backpack?
1951
01:30:59,760 --> 01:31:00,829
(SIGHS)
1952
01:31:01,160 --> 01:31:03,628
Shoot. No, I left it
in the car.
1953
01:31:03,720 --> 01:31:05,631
Okay, well, let's go get it, dude.
Right?
1954
01:31:05,720 --> 01:31:06,720
Chop-chop.
1955
01:31:06,800 --> 01:31:08,438
I'm so sorry.
Be right back.
1956
01:31:08,520 --> 01:31:09,839
It's not gonna grab itself.
1957
01:31:14,720 --> 01:31:15,835
Hey, Jackson.
1958
01:31:17,200 --> 01:31:18,599
I, uh...
1959
01:31:18,680 --> 01:31:20,716
I made you lunch today.
1960
01:31:20,800 --> 01:31:22,836
It's a hummus
wrap with some kale.
1961
01:31:23,080 --> 01:31:24,080
Gross!
1962
01:31:24,160 --> 01:31:25,434
Yeah, I know, it sounds
totally disgusting,
1963
01:31:25,520 --> 01:31:28,398
but it's supposed to
be good for you, so...
1964
01:31:28,480 --> 01:31:29,993
And I'm gonna come to your
baseball game tomorrow night.
1965
01:31:30,120 --> 01:31:33,271
For real? I'm gonna stay
the whole stupid game.
1966
01:31:33,520 --> 01:31:34,520
Mmm-hmm.
1967
01:31:34,920 --> 01:31:36,148
Because...
1968
01:31:38,320 --> 01:31:39,514
I love you.
1969
01:31:40,760 --> 01:31:41,875
And stuff.
1970
01:31:44,120 --> 01:31:45,120
CARLA: Oh.
1971
01:31:58,480 --> 01:31:59,480
(SIGHS)
1972
01:31:59,560 --> 01:32:02,154
Still cannot believe I pushed
that thing outta my chotch.
1973
01:32:02,760 --> 01:32:05,558
Hey. What's up,
pretty ladies?
1974
01:32:05,640 --> 01:32:06,834
What should we do today?
1975
01:32:06,920 --> 01:32:08,353
How about we go to brunch?
1976
01:32:08,480 --> 01:32:09,480
Mmm.
1977
01:32:09,560 --> 01:32:10,788
Oh, how about we go
to Color Me Mine
1978
01:32:10,920 --> 01:32:12,319
and make each other salad bowls?
1979
01:32:12,400 --> 01:32:13,628
I love it.
Oh, I got an idea.
1980
01:32:13,720 --> 01:32:15,711
Why don't we try something
that doesn't suck?
1981
01:32:16,320 --> 01:32:18,880
Hey, bitches! Get in.
1982
01:32:31,240 --> 01:32:32,434
Wait.
1983
01:32:33,240 --> 01:32:36,038
Holy shit. Wait. Wait.
Wait. Is that...
1984
01:32:36,560 --> 01:32:38,835
Well, I have my husband's
plane for the whole day,
1985
01:32:38,920 --> 01:32:40,911
so where do you guys
wanna go, huh?
1986
01:32:43,280 --> 01:32:45,510
You know what? Gwendolyn's
starting to grow on me, guys.
1987
01:32:45,600 --> 01:32:48,000
I'm not gonna lie to you. I think
she's a really good person.
1988
01:32:48,080 --> 01:32:49,559
Come on, come on!
Very generous.
1989
01:32:49,960 --> 01:32:51,313
(CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)
1990
01:33:05,400 --> 01:33:08,631
My role as a mother was
so hit-and-miss. (LAUGHS)
1991
01:33:09,520 --> 01:33:12,796
I was a little looser,
but too loose in many ways.
1992
01:33:12,880 --> 01:33:14,154
I would give her whiskey.
1993
01:33:14,800 --> 01:33:15,800
(LAUGHS)
1994
01:33:16,240 --> 01:33:18,754
We left the country when
she was seven years old.
1995
01:33:18,840 --> 01:33:22,469
My mom kept telling me that
we were moving up the street.
1996
01:33:22,800 --> 01:33:24,552
And then we flew to L.A.
1997
01:33:24,640 --> 01:33:26,119
My mother's a filthy liar.
1998
01:33:26,440 --> 01:33:27,720
When I went into
labor and stuff,
1999
01:33:27,760 --> 01:33:29,480
I didn't even ask if
it was a boy or a girl.
2000
01:33:29,560 --> 01:33:31,198
I just asked for Demerol.
2001
01:33:31,280 --> 01:33:32,599
(LAUGHING)
2002
01:33:32,680 --> 01:33:34,636
I heard someone calling my name.
2003
01:33:34,720 --> 01:33:36,153
"Please come to
the service desk."
2004
01:33:36,240 --> 01:33:37,240
I thought,
"What's that?"
2005
01:33:37,320 --> 01:33:39,280
And I looked around,
there was no Kathryn. (GASPS)
2006
01:33:39,480 --> 01:33:41,391
She was three years old.
(LAUGHING) I was three years old.
2007
01:33:41,480 --> 01:33:44,074
I'm thinking,
oh, my God, that was bad!
2008
01:33:44,160 --> 01:33:45,832
When I was nine years old,
2009
01:33:46,480 --> 01:33:49,392
um, my mom took me to see
Cruising in the theaters
2010
01:33:49,920 --> 01:33:52,275
because she loved Al Pacino.
I loved Al Pacino.
2011
01:33:52,360 --> 01:33:54,271
Cruising is a movie about a man
2012
01:33:54,360 --> 01:33:57,716
investigating the
underworld of S&M gay clubs
2013
01:33:58,080 --> 01:34:00,958
because there was a man murdering
men after raping them.
2014
01:34:01,040 --> 01:34:02,553
Al Pacino.
2015
01:34:02,640 --> 01:34:04,995
You do stupid things as a parent
2016
01:34:05,080 --> 01:34:06,513
and you're like, "Oh, they're fine,
they're fine,"
2017
01:34:06,600 --> 01:34:07,840
and then you're in the hospital.
2018
01:34:07,920 --> 01:34:10,559
Yeah, of course you lie to
your kids, of course you do,
2019
01:34:10,640 --> 01:34:12,676
and you go through their things.
You have to.
2020
01:34:12,760 --> 01:34:14,113
You go through my things?
2021
01:34:14,200 --> 01:34:16,714
Sometimes you have
to make people happy,
2022
01:34:16,800 --> 01:34:18,631
to lie a little bit.
You know?
2023
01:34:18,760 --> 01:34:21,069
Easter Bunny.
Tooth Fairy. (CHUCKLES)
2024
01:34:21,160 --> 01:34:23,116
Food out for Santa Claus.
2025
01:34:23,200 --> 01:34:24,800
You had me clean
the fireplace that year.
2026
01:34:24,840 --> 01:34:26,239
Yeah, well, that was
a good idea anyway.
2027
01:34:26,320 --> 01:34:27,719
Like a chimney sweep.
2028
01:34:27,840 --> 01:34:30,479
I would just be all,
you know, upset
2029
01:34:30,600 --> 01:34:33,194
because of the way
I thought that it had to be.
2030
01:34:33,280 --> 01:34:35,999
You know, I was so angry one
day, and I said to her,
2031
01:34:36,080 --> 01:34:38,594
"Dominic doesn't like you,
Eric doesn't like you."
2032
01:34:38,680 --> 01:34:40,477
You told me to fuck off.
(SNORTS)
2033
01:34:40,560 --> 01:34:42,835
"Laura doesn't like you.
Your dad doesn't like you."
2034
01:34:42,920 --> 01:34:44,638
You said, "Fuck you, Mom."
Or something like that.
2035
01:34:44,720 --> 01:34:46,640
"I don't like you, and the
dog doesn't like you."
2036
01:34:46,720 --> 01:34:47,720
(LAUGHING)
2037
01:34:47,880 --> 01:34:49,677
Yeah, I don't know
what I was thinking.
2038
01:34:50,400 --> 01:34:53,312
I just really didn't
have a clue about...
2039
01:34:53,400 --> 01:34:55,470
You were perfect.
(LAUGHS)
2040
01:34:55,560 --> 01:34:56,960
Yeah, it kind of
worked out for her.
2041
01:34:57,000 --> 01:34:59,036
It worked out perfectly.
2042
01:34:59,120 --> 01:35:00,553
I had the best childhood.
2043
01:35:00,680 --> 01:35:02,352
I loved my childhood.
2044
01:35:02,440 --> 01:35:04,112
I had a very happy childhood.
2045
01:35:04,200 --> 01:35:05,553
And we would have the best days.
2046
01:35:05,640 --> 01:35:07,835
Yeah, it was absolutely like some
of the best times of my life.
2047
01:35:07,920 --> 01:35:09,280
You were an amazing mom.
(LAUGHING)
2048
01:35:09,360 --> 01:35:11,157
Which is fine.
I feel good.
2049
01:35:11,240 --> 01:35:13,310
It's nuts being a mom, guys.
(BLOWS NOSE)
2050
01:35:13,560 --> 01:35:16,233
Raising kids is
an amazing experience.
2051
01:35:16,320 --> 01:35:20,438
I did some mistakes, but the end,
I can see it's not as bad.
2052
01:35:21,080 --> 01:35:23,196
They survived.
In spite of us.
2053
01:35:23,320 --> 01:35:25,231
Now, thank goodness...
(LAUGHS)
2054
01:35:25,320 --> 01:35:29,632
You know, she turned out to be
the wonderful woman that she is.
2055
01:35:29,720 --> 01:35:31,119
I think she's perfect.
2056
01:35:32,120 --> 01:35:35,669
The love that you had
when that kid was born,
2057
01:35:35,760 --> 01:35:37,796
that you didn't have...
(SNIFFLES)
2058
01:35:37,960 --> 01:35:39,632
It is a miracle.
2059
01:35:39,720 --> 01:35:42,234
It's the wife that she is
and the mother that she is,
2060
01:35:42,320 --> 01:35:44,197
and I'm really
proud of just her.
2061
01:35:44,960 --> 01:35:46,029
Mom.
Yeah.
2062
01:35:46,120 --> 01:35:48,680
She's so good, like a mom.
She's so good.
2063
01:35:48,960 --> 01:35:50,234
Yeah.
Thanks, Mommy.
2064
01:35:50,320 --> 01:35:52,390
So I think she's the
best mom in the world,
2065
01:35:52,480 --> 01:35:55,711
and I go, "I wish, you know,
I'd been more like that."
2066
01:35:55,800 --> 01:35:56,800
Oh.
2067
01:35:56,880 --> 01:35:57,995
I love you.
I love you, hon.
2068
01:35:58,080 --> 01:35:59,115
I love you, Mommy.
2069
01:36:01,520 --> 01:36:02,520
(LAUGHING)
2070
01:36:02,600 --> 01:36:03,600
Aw.
2071
01:36:03,680 --> 01:36:05,352
You said it would
be fun, Kathryn.
2072
01:36:05,800 --> 01:36:06,835
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
2073
01:36:06,920 --> 01:36:07,955
Don't touch my makeup.
2074
01:36:08,040 --> 01:36:09,359
See this shit?
(LAUGHING)
150310
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Tatar
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Uighur
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof