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Jelly Roll. What's up, my brother?

- Hey, yo, Rock. - What's cooking, baby?

God, I gotta stop sayin' that.

Did you hear about Adam Ray's new Dr. Phil special?

I didn't, but I also blocked his ass on Instagram months ago.

Why, what's goin' on?

Netflix gave Adam Ray a Dr. Phil special!

Yeah, I saw some of that bullshit online. I gotta tell you, it's pretty funny.

Yo, I think he needs to hear about this.

Hear about what?

Adam Ray is dressing up like you for a Netflix special.

You gotta be fuckin' kidding me.

- Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! - Four, three, two…

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

Ladies and gentlemen, make it loud for the man you came to see.

Are you ready?

Here he comes.

Give it up for Dr. Phil!

Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!

Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!

Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!

Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!

Dr. Phil!

Comedy Store, make some motherfucking noise

if you're excited to be alive tonight.

Who's excited for Dr. Phil Live?

Holy shit. You're blowing the roof off this place.

Look at all the titties and beards.

You guys are a good one. You can take a seat.

That's good.

I love you, sir.

We're excited to be here.

This is a fun energy. I'll take it from here, sir.

Tonight's show is all about imitation. Okay?

Webster's Dictionary, uh, defines that as something made to look,

uh, like something else. Okay?

My wife Robin is always trying to get me to, uh, imitate celebrities

when we have trouble getting into restaurants.

She always says, "Go with Nicolas Cage."

"No one denies Cage shit," she always says.

Uh, so I'll call up a restaurant and go, uh…

"Ah, ah, ah, ah."

"I need a table for two."

"Ah, 7:30."

"Ah, by the window!"

We get right in and have ourselves some shrimp cocktail.

But you know, life is throwing a lot of curveballs at us, left and right.

I can see a lot of helpless souls in the crowd tonight,

looking to try to figure things out, put one foot in front of the other.

People that are struggling

with the idea of who they are and where they wanna be.

Uh, sir, with the nice stache and the wrist tattoos.

What's your name, sir?

- Eric. - Eric, let's go.

- He smoked weed. - He smoked…

What are you, his sponsor? What's goin' on?

Why are you outing him in the front row?

And what are you on?

- What's your name? - Everything.

You're on everything? Oh shit.

We got time. Let's go down the list real quick.

Tylenol PM?

Plan B? Gushers?

You got some Gushers inside you? Some Gushers juice?

Skittles? Okay.

- Go-GURT. - Go-GURT?

Eric just said Go-GURT like he's a ten-year-old boy.

"Go-GURT."

Eric, where do you get a Go-GURT in 2024?

Be honest with me.

- Sometime tonight, player. Yeah. - Staples.

Staples?

Eric, are you retarded? What's goin' on?

Are you supposed to be here right now?

Where's your dad?

What do you do for work, Eric?

Uh, composite lamination for federal contracts.

Yeah. You're making this all up. That's fine.

Let's go to this side of the room.

What's your name, with the mask on?

And I appreciate the safety concern, right?

Never "whoever smelt it, dealt it," right?

You ain't tryin' to be a victim of that crime.

- What's your first name? - Chase.

Chase? Let's go. Like the bank, yeah?

- Say it again. - Unfortunately.

"Unfortunately." Okay. Well, okay.

That's what I'm talking about.

We're always trying to make upgrades in our life,

and Chase was born into a life that he didn't want. Okay?

His parents… I'm assuming named you Chase, right?

You could've been Wells Fargo.

That would've sucked.

You would've fucking hanging out with Eric over here, right?

Chase, what do you do for work?

Uh, I'm, uh… I work at an advertising agency, basically.

Chase, what is it that you dream about?

You're in advertising,

but it seems like there's other aspirations floating around inside of you.

Maybe a stable relationship with my family.

Maybe a stable relationship with your family?

Aww.

We'll be right back.

Had to.

You knew it was coming. You knew it was coming.

We had to take a commercial break.

Jesus fucking Christ!

Eeyore from Winnie-the-Pooh over here.

Fucking sadness table for one.

Goddammit, Chase. Way to suck the fucking vibe out of the room,

nine minutes into the show.

Keep it going for Chase.

That guy has got a lot of good stuff ahead of him.

Lot of good times are awaiting Chase.

And I can't wait to see, uh… I can't wait to see what happens.

Eric, you okay? Was that-- Yeah.

What was girl's name? What's your name, sweetheart?

- Darcy. - Darcy. That's right.

- How long you guys been together? - A little over five years.

Let's go. Where did you meet?

- Online. Fuckin' A! - Fuckin' A, yeah.

What is the best trait about yourself? How about that?

Whoo! I'm open-minded.

- You're open-minded. Okay. - Yeah.

That goes for everything with Darcy as well, yeah?

- Fuckin' right. - Fuckin' right. Yeah.

Okay.

I don't think I like your fucking attitude right now,

if I'm being perfectly honest here.

It feels like you're kind of coming at me

with some sort of gibberish and rubberish, okay?

It feels like something that you've kinda been pulling off today.

Maybe in the last couple of days.

Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!

Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!

Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!

Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!

Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!

I, um…

I don't think I like your fuckin' attitude.

Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!

Who are you?

Who am I, bitch? Who are you?

We'll be right back.

Fuck that shit.

We're gonna keep it right here. Take a seat.

Guys, keep it goin' for Phil McGraw. Here he is, right here.

Take a seat for me, Phil.

Take a seat for me.

There you go.

Phil, it's good to see you.

Appreciate you being here.

I'm sure you do.

-

I'm sure this was exactly how you planned this evening.

I guess… What are your hobbies when you're not, uh… you know?

Well, if you had done your homework, you would know.

Okay. Tennis. Being a dick.

Um…

- Fucking Christ! - That's, um…

Excuse me.

That's Dr. Dick to you.

You're gonna make my mustache fall off.

You can keep yours on.

So, I'll ask the questions.

I love that.

So, how… how did… What did… Why did you…

Why did you start this?

I mean…

It's a good question.

What, are you trying to get laid or something?

What are you…

Yep.

- Yeah. - Yeah? Well, how's that working for you?

- It's not. - Yeah.

Takes more than just the look, right?

Yeah, you gotta have the vibe, the walk, the strut, the confidence, right?

- Yeah. - You're big on confidence.

We talk about that in our book We've Got Issues.

Chapter… chapter two through five.

I see a couple of copies in the audience tonight.

Yeah. You see, the thing is,

that's, uh… Were there two of them out there?

That's…

That's two out of 70 million.

Have you seen Oppenheimer?

I have.

Yeah. Are you a big movie guy?

It's tough to… It's tough to fit in fun during a busy schedule, you know?

Coming here, right? Leaving here. You know?

- Yeah, I'm gonna stay awhile. - You're gonna stay?

Yeah, I wanna see…

Hey… No.

Ain't nobody mad about that.

Now… Now…

Le-- Let me ask you all honestly.

Can--

Seriously. Seriously.

Can he do me?

Yeah!

Can he do me?

It's more than just the look, I mean…

Right, it's… it's the… Well, let me get up how you got up.

You walk dick out and I love that.

That's a power move.

Now-- But can… can he do me?

- I mean, does he know? - Yes!

- Okay. - Has he… Has he done his homework?

You come from this…

You come from Texas, Oklahoma area.

- Sure. Yeah. - Do you know…

Do you know what things mean?

Uh, this feels like a racist riddle you're setting me up for.

Who here is from Texas or Oklahoma? Raise your hand.

Whoo.

- Oh. Three-- - Okay.

- Thanks for coming out. - Three.

- So we are in a bubble here. Okay. - Yeah.

All right. Interpret this saying.

Okay.

You gotta lick that calf over again.

Well, this is a fun game I didn't realize I was getting into.

You gotta lick that calf over again. What's that mean?

That means, uh… That means if…

You have no idea what it means.

Well, can I finish my fucking thought, Phil?

- Jesus-- - No, you talk slower than I do.

You gotta get to the point.

You gotta lick that calf over.

That means you gotta get up, dust yourself off and try again.

- Whoo. - Yeah.

Look, this is chess, not checkers.

You gotta… You gotta actually think about this.

- Okay, okay. - Let's not--

You know. You've got people in Oklahoma.

Yeah, yeah. Lick a calf's twat…

No, lick a calf… lick a calf to make it…

What-- Yeah.

When a mother has a calf--

She has to lick it and bring it back to…

No, she licks it from one end to the other,

and if there's anything wrong with it,

she walks off and leaves it.

So when you're in business, you're talking to somebody

and they say, "No, this deal's okay."

They go, "Uh, you gotta lick that calf over again."

- You gotta review the paperwork. - Make sure there's nothing wrong.

You gotta dot your i's and cross your t's.

There you go.

Great. One for one. There we go. Okay. Cool.

My man. My man.

Now, next time I'm looking on YouTube

and I see something, you better start using this.

If you're gonna do me, you gotta do me.

You're right. Okay. So now, uh… Now how about, uh…

Give me one that…

Do you have one that… that you improvise on stage during your show?

You ever come up with a phrase and you're like, "Fuck, that was good."

'Cause I heard you say, like, uh…

"There's no… There's like… There's two sides to a pancake." Right?

I once saw you say to some bitch…

You were like, uh…

There was a mom and her daughter was being all real,

you know, just real spazzy-bedazzy. You know?

The daughter was like, you know, "I don't smoke weed."

And the mom was like, "Yeah, you do. I gave it to you."

And you were like, "Both of you, shut up."

Right? And then… But you said it in a nice way.

And then you said, "Hey, tell me, Mom, where did she get the weed from?"

The Mom goes, "I don't wanna tell you."

And you said, "I didn't come 90% of the way

to get 10% of the information."

That's what you said.

I fucking stood up and applauded. And took my pants… It was an exciting day.

It felt like you shot that one from the hip.

But was that a designed, strategic phrase?

You know, I… I don't have a script.

So I never know what I'm gonna say until they say what they say.

- Got you. - So it's all made up.

I'm sorry to say.

I mean, that's the way to do it.

Well, that just goes to show you're a good listener, right?

Yeah. You gotta listen.

I never know what they're gonna say. Trust me.

And every time I think I've heard it all,

I walk out there and say, "Oh shit, no, I haven't.

Do you go on the Internet?

Hold that thought. We'll be right back.

No, we'll keep it right here.

We'll keep it right here.

No, th-- that's how I found you.

- Okay. - On the Internet.

Somebody called and said, "Have you seen this guy on the Internet?"

What was your first thought?

Um, I thought, "I don't have time to look at this shit."

- Touché. - Uh-- No.

No, then my son Jordan said, "No, you really should look at this."

And I looked at it and, um, I thought,

"This guy is really funny."

I have to admit. I thought it was absolutely hilarious.

I'm serious.

Appreciate it.

Um…

What if I just started crying, looking like this, in front of real Phil?

Yeah, well, it's… You know, you gotta throw darts.

Life is all about just trying. You know?

I mean, I know that you… I know that you subscribe to that, right?

It's starting a new network.

I mean, it's always… You've been active in the business

for… for quite some time, so it's a big venture to go,

"I'm gonna start an entirely new project." Right?

Yeah. Um, I'm supposed to be, like, retired

and sitting around the house or something.

Robin said, "That ain't happening."

- Robin said, "No"? - She said, "No, that's not happening."

- Fuckin' Robin. - Yeah.

Um…

Uh, I'm gonna make a note and tell her you said that.

No--

Let me see.

You can do it later. It's fine.

- It's 8:55… - 8:55.

…when you derogated my wife.

Okay, got it. Okay.

Wait, now you've been married-- It's been what? 40--

Forty-eight years.

Guys, give it up. 48 years. That's an exciting time.

- And there is a secret to that. - I was gonna ask.

There is a secret to that.

And I… I learned it, maybe eight, ten years into it.

And that is, when she says, "What?"

It isn't that she didn't hear you.

She's given you a chance to change what you've said,

and you better, by God, take it.

It's not that she didn't hear you.

Yeah, it's just she's given you--

She's letting you step around the grenade, right?

Yeah, one time.

She's given you one shot and you better take it.

You better throw yourself on that grenade,

and say, "Oh, no, no. It's not you. No, no."

Yeah. "No, no, no. That was Pornhub."

"That-- That was our son's laptop. Yeah."

Now, is there a time though?

Like, you gotta pick your battles. Is that a real thing or no?

She's had your babies and…

and, uh, you… you just don't want to go there.

Yeah. Our babies. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

What's your favorite color?

Why?

- Just trying-- - What made you ask that?

W-- Well, uh…

What would you do with the information if you had it?

Well, seeing as how you're dressed

like a waiter at the Olive Garden right now,

I would say it's black.

But if push came to shove, I'd strike you as a navy blue guy.

I feel like navy blue, you wear it well. I think I've seen you in blue suits.

I've seen us in blue suits.

Well, my favorite color

is navy blue.

When you're flying around, right,

uh, around the country, doing press for the book, for the network,

do you… do have a…

You know, travelling always, I think, creates habits.

Okay? You gotta find a routine.

Do you have a routine food or snack wise?

That's one of my favorite things to know about people.

You can learn a lot about somebody,

uh, based on what sort of munch and crunch they're taking down.

Are you a Pop-Tart guy, or a Crustable guy,

or a… an untrustable guy?

I actually do have a favorite snack.

- Great. - Yeah.

- I ain't telling you. - Okay.

Well, let's play a little game called "What's my favorite snack?"

All right.

- I get three guesses, okay? - Okay. Go.

- Uh… - Nope.

What else?

Dai…

Uh, Dairy Queen Blizzard.

- Nope. - Okay.

Uh, chocolate bar.

What?

What, are you born in the '20s?

They have names now like Hershey's, and Snickers, and…

Okay.

"Chocolate bar."

What-- "I'd like a chocolate bar, please."

What?

"I'd like a chocolate bar."

What-- Uh-- What?

Um…

I just watched…

rewatched Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory last night,

and Charlie Bucket, super poor…

His last name's fucking Bucket.

…wandered into the store and said, "Can I have a chocolate bar, sir?"

So, sorry if I'm fucking, you know, stuck in the '20s, bitch.

So you were…

Hershey's, Snickers, Reese's Pieces…

What time were you watching Willy Wonka last night?

Guess.

Not so fun, is it?

Uh, what did you…

What…

Now what I want to know is, what did you turn down

to watch Willy Wonka last night?

2 Girls 1 Cup.

You happy? You… You got your answer.

You'd already seen that.

You're good.

Yeah.

You have no idea.

I'm having a good time.

- Yeah? - It's fun.

You've been to The Comedy Store before?

I've been here… I've been here once a long time ago.

A good friend of mine, Ron White, was here.

Give it up for Ron White. That's a living legend right there.

That's a good guy with a good heart.

- He is a good guy. - Uh…

Yeah, funny. You know, it's, uh… it's not an easy thing to come out

and just swing like this and… and hit home runs, you know?

Have you always trusted yourself in the comedy world?

'Cause, on the show, you're not trying to be funny, right?

Just happens.

Yeah.

I'm, um…

You know, I just do me.

I… I don't know. I don't try to be one way or the other.

But you know what?

People ask me questions. They ask questions.

They need to be ready to hear the answers, the way I figure it.

And if they like, they like it. If they don't, they don't.

I was looking for something to do, I had to do it.

That's what's up.

And, uh…

Don't… Don't we feel that way?

We feel… Yeah, we do.

But we have to. It's a changing… an ever-changing world.

Yeah. Look, you gonna piss somebody off all the time,

so you might as well do what you want.

Boy, ain't that the truth.

I have that tattooed on my lower back.

Do you?

That's your tramp stamp?

That's my tramp stamp.

Okay. Got it.

A day off for Phil looks like…

What, Six Flags or a Dave & Buster's?

Are you a big-- Are we a Skee-Ball guy?

You know?

No, you know, I'm kind of a loner, kinda homebody type.

I… I get some time where I don't have shit to do.

- Yeah. - I can get…

You'd be surprised how worthless I can get if you give me a couple of days off.

I mean, I…

Seriously, I'm like a lizard on a rock.

- I… I just… - That's what I'm talking about.

That… That felt like a made-up saying right there.

A lizard on a rock.

No, I mean, have you ever watched a lizard on a rock?

No. I got better shit to do.

What the fuck are you talking about?

- Have you seen TV? - No, you obviously don't,

or you wouldn't be here in that suit pretending to be me.

- I hear you. - Yeah.

I am a big zoo guy though.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

So, lizard on a rock…

I know they got a reptile category at the zoo,

but I'm more of a gorilla…

Ever see a gorilla just fire off a load in front of a kid?

Yeah.

Now, I… I have to say that's still on my bucket list.

I'll send you a link.

Yeah.

Um, I know we got a lot of people out here that came out to enjoy the show,

but there's also people dealing with some issues.

They're on the struggle bus.

They got a one-way ticket to "What the fuck's going on?"

- Did you say "struggle bus"? - Struggle bus, yeah.

Do you give advice at these shows?

Hold that thought, Phil. Uh, does anybody…

Does anybody have anything they'd like to get off their chest?

What's that?

Oh shit. Oh my fuckin' God.

Oh my fuckin' God.

Oh shit. Oh shit.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Sweet mother of God.

This… Oh!

Oh my God.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

This is everything I was hoping for and more.

Dear God.

What in God's name?

Gabe, haven't you been on this show before?

I have. I did the same thing last time.

- And how did it work out for you? - I'm back.

Well, Gabe, you came on the show,

I think, with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee,

and you ripped it up just like you did just now.

Why are you back?

You told me that if I believed in myself, my dreams would come true.

And that was a fucking lie 'cause it didn't come true.

Well, what are you…

Phil, you got any questions?

Well, I sure have more questions than answers.

This guy seems like he actually… may actually have some talent.

Oh shit. Oh my God.

We'll get-- Okay. All right, Dances with Wolves.

All right. Yup.

Gabe, Gabe-- Oh, Jesus fuckin' Christ!

What move is that? That…

This feels like the horny ghost that was stealing my granola bars.

Gabe, hold on for a-- Hey…

Okay.

What is your dream, by the way?

You said I didn't help you pursue it. What is it?

I wanted to breakdance in the Olympics.

You're in the right city.

That's right. They're gonna be here.

They're coming here next.

Gabe, do you wanna audition

for the Los Angeles Olympics right here, right now?

Oh, come on.

Gabe! Gabe!

Hit it, DJ!

Holy shit!

Okay.

Holy shit!

Holy shit!

He did it, guys. Keep it goin' for Gabe. There he goes.

There he goes.

Gabe, I fuckin' love you, player.

Guys, keep it goin' for Gabe.

He's Olympic bound in Los Angeles.

And guys, one more time for the real Dr. Phil.

Here he goes, baby. Phil McGraw.

All right, guys.

Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!

Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!

Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!

Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!

We will be right back.

Oh shit.

Don't go anywhere. We'll be back.

Have you ever felt the moon?

Or listened to the heartbeat of a lion?

In every space of time we live,

searching, standing,

breathing.

The moment your mind escapes the truth.

When passion follows the dream.

And worlds collide.

Touching, feeling,

hoping.

Have a sip of nature's dripping love.

Only God knows why the waves blow in the wind,

the sea sounds in dreams.

Who can tell us why we know what we do, when we do.

I get knocked down,

but I get up again,

and again, and again,

and again.

Love is the ultimate prize.

The smell of confidence.

LP cologne. Put a little man in you.

Holy shit.

Guys, your next guest on the Dr. Phil Live show…

Uh, you might recognize from TV shows like King of Queens, A.P. Bio,

Parks and Rec--

Maybe movies like Young Adult,

The Secret Life of Pets, Ghost Busters.

Uh, his countless stand-up specials.

And, of course, my favorite…

He's the voice of motherfucking Ratatouille.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for the one and only Patton Oswalt.

Here he comes right now.

Here we go. Guys, Patton Oswalt. There he is.

- Make some noise for him. - Hi, guys. Thank you.

What a gangster. Living legend.

How you doin'? You feelin' good?

Uh, yeah. I'm feeling a little shaky right now

just from-- I think all of us, feeling a little surreal.

But, um, I think we're gonna…

What would be your advice to me right now? I'm a little out of sorts.

Do I roll with it? What do I do?

Patton, is Ratatouille based on a true story?

Um…

You narrated one of my favorite shows.

- The Goldbergs. - Thank you.

Guys, give it up for The Goldbergs and Patton Oswalt.

A great show with a great message and a great family.

Yeah.

And I just got so jealous watching that.

I was like, "Fuck, I would love--"

It's one of my… my bucket list items,

to have you narrate any part of my life.

Oh. All right.

So, if you don't mind, I'd love to throw up some sweet music

that I picked to be my soundtrack,

and you can just kinda casually Goldberg it up

and… and narrate my day-to-day.

And I'll just kinda fart around here

and you just kinda describe what's goin' on.

- Is that cool? - Okay. Here we go. Absolutely.

All right. Hit me with some "feel alive" music, Stephen.

You got something to--

Oh my gosh.

- We'll start with me in bed. - Okay.

It was September 19th, nineteen eighty-something,

and Dr. Phil was waking up with the crack of dawn.

The sun came through the slats of his Venetian blinds

as he did his five Tibetan rituals

that he did every morning to wake himself up.

This morning, they morphed into the Macarena.

And he would take that Latin energy

straight into the kitchen

where he made his usual breakfast

of…

a room-temperature Michelob.

The fizziness and the carbs

ru-- rush right to his brain.

And suddenly, he had an idea.

An amazing segment that he would do

on the Dr. Phil show that day.

He couldn't wait to call his producer

and tell him what this segment would be.

But first…

But first…

…he had to login online

and see if there were any…

and see if there were any local fetish clubs

that combined…

…both pony play…

and squirting.

Alas, once he hit enter,

there were only 710 hits.

So, he looked in the mirror

and said, "Dr. Phil,

people need to hear what you have to say."

"People need to hear what you have to give."

"And most of all,

people need the strength

that you put out

in the world."

- Holy shit. That was fuckin'… - Wow. That was…

I almost started crying. I'm not…

- Yeah. - That was un--

God, you're so good at that.

Thank you. Yeah. I… I do a lot of voiceover.

- You mentioned trivia. - Uh-oh.

And you're a guy that knows a lot about a lot.

- Okay? - I do.

And one thing I know that you really love is Star Wars.

I do love Star Wars.

I know you do.

- I love Star Wars. - Who else loves Star Wars?

Any Star Wars people?

Well, please welcome George Lucas--

- I'm just kidding. - Oh. What the--

Wouldn't that be fuckin' cool?

At this point, that would not surprise me.

- Yeah. - At all.

Now, I want to play a little game

'cause I know you probably know more about Star Wars

than anybody that I know.

I want to test your knowledge in Star Wars.

- Cool? - Okay.

In a little game, uh--

In a little game we'd like to call "Hey, Patton, what do you know--"

"Do you know this about Star Wars?"

- That was fucking 30 bucks well spent. - I'm sorry. That--

That… That sentence has a theme sting?

- Yeah. - Wow.

- All right. - All right.

So first question here.

Uh, where did Obi-Wan take Luke after his birth?

Where did he take Luke after his birth?

Oh. He took him to Tatooine.

No. The answer's Arby's.

- Now-- - Oh.

- Oh for one. Uh… Patton… - Goddamn.

It's all right. We got more.

Who are Kylo Ren's parents?

Kylo Ren's parents are Han Solo and Princess Leia.

No, it's Ben and Jerry. Uh, now…

These are the facts.

- Wow. - Uh, what is the name of Han Solo's ship?

Oh. The Millennium Falcon.

No. It's the Harrison Ford Fuck Mobile.

Oh man!

Which is also a great name for a Cher cover band.

That would be. Oh wow.

What was, uh…

What-- Where was Yoda's home in his final years?

Oh, um, the swamp planet of Dagobah.

- No. It was Boca Raton, Florida. - Oh.

He was retired with a bunch of hot Jews.

- Damn. - Um…

Uh, who killed Jabba?

Shuffleboard, I'll play.

All right. Sorry.

Um, say it again.

That deserved more laughter. Fuck you, guys.

He did a Yoda.

He did Yoda as an old Jew in Florida.

Exactly. Yeah.

- My man. My man. - Thank you, my friend.

Uh, okay. What species is Chewbacca?

He's a Wookiee.

Okay.

Can you do an impression of a Wookiee?

That is pretty good.

Now, what--

Can we cut that? I don't want people seeing my O face.

That's just for my wife.

- Yeah. - All right.

- You're a good man. - Okay.

Now, do you make that--

Do you make that noise when it's happenin'?

Uh, I make that noise when I'm ramping up to it.

Yeah.

- Yeah, mine's pretty standard. - Yeah? What is… What's yours?

Aah!

I'm sorry.

Are you surprised when you cum?

Does it creep up on you?

Man.

Yeah, it's…

I'm not with my wife. I'm just having breakfast.

- Oh, okay. - Guys, Patton Oswalt.

- Let him hear it. The great Patton Oswalt. - Thank you.

You're a legend. You're a living legend.

- I love you for being here. - Thank you.

One more time for Patton Oswalt. Let him hear it.

There he goes. The great Patton Oswalt.

The great Patton Oswalt coming out for a couple of chuckles.

A couple of handshakes. Maybe a shoe.

I ordered something earlier.

Delivery.

Great. Okay. I ordered some Grubhub.

Holy shit, it's Joe Gatto from Impractical Jokers.

Oh my God.

Hey.

What's up, y'all? How are you?

- Um, this is-- - Are you… You're Ph…

- You're Phil? - Yeah.

Yeah, I'm, uh… You're Grubhub?

- Yeah, Grubhub. - Oh, okay.

This is my one single meatball?

That's what you ordered.

How about this, Eric? How about I'll tip Joe out,

but you gotta let him feed you the meatball.

Yeah. Yeah?

I think this is all gonna go the way we all think it will.

Guys, keep it goin' for Joe Gatto, everybody.

That's a great guy with a great plan

and a new special on YouTube right now.

One more time for Joe Gatto. There he goes…

…off into the world.

Making friends one at a time.

You guys ready for more show?

I'm gonna keep this fuckin' train movin'.

Your next guest, you know him from TV shows

like White Famous and The Masked Singer.

Movies like Spinning Gold, Ride Along, uh, and Resort to Love.

He helped us feel better about ourselves,

making us laugh on Saturday Night Live for six years.

And now he's here live in the flesh,

with a new stand-up special and a lot of fun to give.

Ladies and gentlemen, on Dr. Phil Live for the first time,

give it up for Jay Pharoah!

Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Jay Pharoah.

Let him hear it. Here he is.

Making us feel better about ourselves.

- Goddamn. Look at you. Wow.

Look at that coat. I wish I had the confidence

to wear a fuckin' coat like that.

Yeah, me too.

I have the confidence to wear my seven-year-old nephew's clothes.

Hell yeah!

You got all these fans that submitted questions.

But you got one big fan live in the flesh.

And before we get out of here,

I told him. He wrote to me

and he said, "I'm a big fan of Jay Pharoah."

- He's an actor here in Hollywood. - Oh wow.

He's been typecasted in dramas only.

And he's tryin' to kinda switch over,

transition into a lighter, more fun-filled,

maybe rom-com type situation.

- Okay. - So I told him to come out.

Maybe we can give him some advice.

Maybe we can coach him through on how he's dealing with the business.

And maybe we can get him in the right direction towards success.

Are you guys ready for him?

Can I bring one more special guest on the show?

Yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome from The Lord of the Rings II and III…

Gollum, ladies and gentlemen.

What the fuck?!

Ey, ey…

This is a… This is a six-foot Hobbit.

That's crazy.

He…

Holy shit.

Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Gollum.

- He's here-- - Fucking Gollum.

Dear fucking Christ!

My precious!

- Hi. - Okay.

Now, when I was told there was an actor

that was wanting some advice, I didn't…

I thought it was gonna be like, I don't know, Greg Kinnear or something.

Uh, what's up, Gollum?

Oh shit. You…

If you fucking shit on my stage,

I'm gonna be real mad about it.

I wanna do the rom-com.

I wanna… I wanna try different things.

You wanna do rom-coms?

You wanna do rom-coms?

You think you're getting stuck? You're getting pigeonholed in dramas?

I think so.

Gollum, Gollum, Gollum.

- What the fuck is goin' on right now? - I have no clue. Um…

I've been told that you got two personalities.

- Is that true? - No.

Yes.

Well, how about this, Gollum?

How about we give you a shot, okay, to be in a real life movie?

Yeah, let's do it.

I think it's only fair that we give this guy a shot

to really, uh, see his dreams through.

Life is about throwing darts,

and sometimes they don't stick,

but sometimes just got through a bigger dart.

So, how about this? Uh, I'm gonna…

Uh, Stephen, hit me with some rom-com trailer music.

And how about this, Jay?

I'm gonna narrate a trailer

for a movie that Gollum will star in.

- Okay? - Okay. All right.

Let's say he's playing the woman in a rom-com,

and I'll pepper it in with guest stars

and I'll set you up for some impressions to kinda fill out the movie. Sound good?

- Yep. Let's go. - Okay, great.

This summer…

Cindy Daniels was a successful New York businesswoman.

She had a cool family,

a dog, a fish,

a high-rise apartment.

But the only thing she didn't have was love.

I just need a little bit of love.

Please?

Everywhere she went, people were like,

"What the fuck is that?"

Bars, gyms, rooftop barbecues,

all she wanted to do was make a little small talk,

but the men had different ideas.

Like Ben, her boss.

Played by fuckin' Denzel Washington.

Um…

This ain't gonna happen. Okay?

She got fired upon arrival,

her first day at work.

So Cindy did what any New Yorker would do.

She went online and matched with a new guy

who just moved into town as well.

Rob. Played by Eddie Murphy.

Hey!

Now, I've never tried this before,

but I'm… I'm certainly interested.

- Will you give me a shot? - I'll give you a whole bunch of shots.

What the hell you want?

Rob and Cindy found love in the most unex--

What are you doing?

- Rob and Cindy… - He's twerking.

…they went to an all-night rave in Brooklyn

where they met Rob's brother.

Played by Jay-Z.

Rob's brother was the DJ at the nightclub

where Cindy and Rob hit it off.

Yeah. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Yo. Hey, yo, hold on one second.

Is that, um… Is that Dobby from Harry Potter?

Shit. Keep the music going!

I would like to give you a BJ.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, you know, chill out. Chill out, yeah.

You know, Beyoncé is… She'll kill me.

Yeah.

Things took a turn that night,

and Cindy tried to blow Rob and his brother

at the DJ booth.

What the fuck?

She got kicked out of the club.

And went… And went down the street

dancing like nothin' was wrong.

And that's where she met a homeless man.

Played by fuckin' Donald Trump.

And the homeless man gave her advice that she was desperately in search of.

Listen, I don't know what's happening.

But I'd like to say to everybody out there,

they're eating your cats and your dogs.

They're eating them.

And I guess… I don't know what you are.

You'll probably get eaten too.

I would like to eat a cat and a dog with you,

and I'll let you eat my cat.

See, this is what happens

when the borders aren't controlled.

The homeless guy had some sound advice.

So Cindy went home that night

and thought long and hard about who she wanted to end up with.

And that's when she got a knock at her door.

It was her… her Uber Eats delivery driver.

Played by 50 Cent.

Hey, um… Hey, yo, you know…

Here's the… Here's the thing, like…

You know, you could… You scaring the fuck out of me,

so you don't even have to pay for this.

It's yours, nigga.

So, Cindy…

Cindy squashed two turkey paninis back to back,

and thought to herself, "How could life get any worse?"

So she took a couple of ZzzQuil gummies and had a dream.

And she was met in that dream by a guardian angel

who showed her exactly what her next move should be.

And that angel was played by Chris Rock.

Wait. Hold on, baby. Chris couldn't show up,

so, uh, I decided to come instead.

I hope you don't mind, my nigga.

But I'd like to say this.

Um, you gonna die some day, baby. Ow!

The angel was played by Dave Chappelle, I think.

That's what I was doing whatever the fuck I said…

Gollum walks out of his apartment

and is met by a man with a business plan.

A businessman played by Robert Downey Jr.

Look, I've been watching you from afar.

Watching what you're doing.

What you're doing is very admirable.

I'd like to offer you a five-year plan.

I'd like you to work for me.

I'm an agent for OnlyFans. I think you could be our first client.

You could do it live. You're already showing some back, some toes and knees--

Hey, hold on, Pepper.

Because there's a couple of things we can talk about, bro.

Like, you know…

I mean, maybe he can work for the Marvel Cinematic Universe,

but, you know, be a billionaire philanthropist,

but I mean, right now, he's just Sméagol.

So, yeah, we gotta just take it at face value.

That's all. Yeah.

Cindy thought she wasn't gonna have a job,

but turns out she was hired by both Black and white Robert Downey, Jr.

This film has not been-- yet been rated.

Keep it goin' for Gollum, everybody!

Holy shit. He finally did it.

Congratulations, Gollum.

You just were in your first feature film.

Jay, thanks for support--

What are you doing?

- Oh my God. Oh my God. - What the f--

Oh my God. No. No. What is that?

- What the fuck? What are you doing? - Yo. That's a real fucking fish.

That's a real fish. What are you doing? What's this?

- He's being-- - Okay.

Hey, what did I tell you about bringing a fish

on the live stage of The Comedy Store?

What did I tell you?

I said, one thing you can't do was eat a fish in front of Jay Pharoah.

That's what I told you.

Wait.

Shut the fuck up, Jay, if you know what's good for you.

- Okay. - Chuck E. Cheese.

♪ Rock and pool Is nice and cool ♪

♪ So juicy sweet! ♪

And stay down.

You can't… Shut the fuck up, Jay.

I'm sorry you guys had to see that.

But I'm not sorry you guys had to feel that.

Whoo!

Did you guys have a good time tonight?

I need to hear you one more time.

Did you guys have a good time here at The World Famous Comedy Store?

One more time for Jay Pharoah, Patton Oswalt,

Fahim Anwar, Jeremiah Watkins, Dr. Phil.

Robin, don't go to bed. I got a Mac and Cheese portable in the car.

Good night, everybody!

Hey, come on.

I gotta see this.

Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!

Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

Unbelievable, man. Unbelievable.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

- Dude, you had fun? Oh yeah.

This is wild.

You told me you had the night off.

- We're gonna have some fun with it. That would be an honor, dude.

Guys, keep it goin' for Jen who does my make-up all the time.

- She's a legend.

- Aww. Thank you.

Yeah! My mom, everybody.

- Oh! Sarah, Janie… Hi, Mom.

To my mom, for pushing me out.

Uh, to Jeremiah for fucking delivering every time.

Yeah!

Uh, to my beautiful wife for always supporting every--

Uh, to my best bud Norman for fucking making life easier.

Uh, you guys…

I mean, I just… Uh, so fun.

None of this is, uh, worth doing

if we… if we don't have cool people to celebrate, and hang, and share it with.

Thank fucking God.

No lawsuit.