Original subtitles

(WIND BLOWING)

(EXHALES)

Isn't this nice?

No better time of year.

You know, let me tell you one of my favorite Yuletide stories.

'Twas the night before Christmas,

and all through the town,

the Avengers were fighting a brand-new superpower.

The stockings were hung by the chimney...

(GRUNTS)

THE WATCHER: Well, not anymore.

IRON MAN: Where's Thor?

(GRUNTS)

- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) - (ROARS)

THE WATCHER: Oh, right. You're probably wondering who this guy is.

Perhaps I should start a bit further back.

THE WATCHER: Time.

Space.

Reality.

It's more than a linear path.

It's a prism of endless possibility,

where a single choice can branch out into infinite realities,

creating alternate worlds from the ones you know.

I am the Watcher.

I am your guide through these vast new realities.

Follow me and ponder the question...

"What if?"

(WIND BLOWING)

Okay, let's try this again.

'Twas only two hours prior and the tower was not yet on fire.

To the left, to the left. To the... No, too much left. Stop. Stop!

(JINGLE BELLS INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING)

DARCY: Sparrow-1 to Puffin-2, do you copy?

We have a code red down here.

Darcy, I told you, while JARVIS is being defragged,

this line is for emergency use only.

Please. Sparrow-1 on the comms, boss.

And it's a total code red. The caterers are here,

and all I'm seeing are cheese cubes and carrot sticks.

Where's the showmanship? Where are the Kogi buns?

Darcy, you wanna get college credit for this? Listen to me.

This Avengers holiday gala is not my first rodeo.

Fine, fine. Ten to the four, Puffin-2.

Wait. Why am I a puffin? And a second puffin at that.

- Who's the first puffin? - Bernard in Accounting.

Okay, that just hurts.

I can offer you Turkey-1, Flamingo-6. Ooh, how about the Parakeet?

Wait. I have a better idea. A very special assignment just for you.

- (GASPS) - Maraschino cherries. We're running low,

and Tony can't have a hot toddy without them.

Oh, I didn't know people put cherries in hot toddies.

Hey, you're trying to get rid of me.

Just looking for a little peace on Earth, okay? Ow!

$50 million, you can't watch where you're going?

- HILL: Everything under control? - (CLEARS THROAT)

Director Hill. You're looking quite, uh, festive.

Now that JARVIS has been shut down for maintenance...

Oh, I wanna talk to you about that. I'd like to share a few messages

about upgrading our threat matrix...

Maybe you should leave that to the security professionals.

(CHUCKLES) But I am a security professional.

- I need you to focus on tonight's party. - (ELEVATOR DINGS)

SHIELD AGENT: Eagle-1, Eagle-1. You're needed in command.

- On my way. - Eagle-1?

This holiday party is vital, Mr. Hogan.

After the year we've had, people need a reason to celebrate.

I'm counting on you to pull it off.

Yes, ma'am.

- (ELEVATOR DINGS) - Hmm...

Christmas playlist.

Hanukkah playlist... (GASPS) That one Mariah Carey song on loop. Bingo!

- And to all a good... - (MAN SNEEZES)

- Sergei, you stepped on my line, buddy. - (EXHALES)

THE WATCHER: Or maybe this is the story of how Justin Hammer stole Christmas.

- (CROWD APPLAUDING) - After the corrupt defense contractor

nearly blew up the Stark Expo,

he found himself on the naughty list.

With time to think, time to reflect,

time to...

ponder his future.

Perhaps, in this universe, Justin Hammer had a little too much time.

- (ELEVATOR DINGS) - (GUNS FIRING)

(CROWD SCREAMING)

CATERER: We're gonna die!

Yo, Rusty, hand me that, would you?

- MAN: How'd they even get in here? - (YELPS)

The name is Rustam Leonid Vyacheslav.

And that's exactly why we're sticking with Rusty.

(CROWD SCREAMING)

People, people, listen up.

You stay calm, you stay quiet

and I guarantee that you'll be home for the holidays.

- (SNIFFLES) - Hey, there's no crying on Christmas.

You know, when I was seven years old,

I wanted a Red Ryder BB gun more than anything in the world.

I begged my parents. I begged Santa for it.

Accidentally got my tongue stuck on a telephone pole.

(SNIFFLES) Isn't that a classic movie?

Yes, the one with the leg lamp.

Hey, shut up. But I didn't get the BB gun that Christmas. Do you know why?

(DEVICE BEEPS)

'Cause this is America, and if you want something, you gotta take it.

- (MECHANICAL WHIRRING) - (ALARM BLARING)

(GUN COCKING)

Oh, you unplug JARVIS for five minutes, the whole building collapses.

- (GLASS BREAKING) - (GASPS)

Huh?

Uh, boss?

Relax. Reprogramming command protocols, setting new targets.

"All on site staff" sounds good to me.

- What? - (ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)

(IRON LEGION BEEPS)

(LAUGHS) Knock 'em dead, Johnny Fives.

♪ (SINGING) Good Queen ♪ ♪ Darcy last looked down ♪

♪ On the feast of Steve Rogers ♪ ♪ When the snow lay on... ♪

- (GRUNTS) "Eagle-1." - (ELEVATOR DINGS)

Whoa.

- HAMMER: Okay, boys. - Hammer?

Behind these doors is a gamma-radiated antigen serum.

Hulk blood.

- The amniotic fluid, so to speak... - Gross.

That will birth the next superhero. Me.

I'm already smarter than 10 Tony Starks

and pretty soon I'll be stronger than 12 Captain Americas.

(LAUGHS) So, let's get cracking.

No problems.

Dude, come on. What is this?

You said you were a safecracker.

Yes, and now I crack safe.

(GROANS) I knew I should have gone with the Sokovian team.

Hill. Hill, come in.

- We got three hostiles in Tony's lab. - You'd think they'd raid the armory first.

Tony's been messing around with Banner's blood,

seeing if he can be the Hulk without the anger management issues.

- Was he successful? - It's a process.

HAMMER: I'm gonna head up.

Oh, oh, that's not good. Okay, okay.

Call me when you get the good stuff.

Time for me to go and sit on Tony's throne.

- I'm not gonna flush, if you get my drift. - HOGAN: Oh.

Yeah, it's Hammer. He's heading for Tony's bathroom.

Oh.

- HILL: Hogan, can you secure the samples? - Yes. I think I have a way in.

Good. 'Cause I've got Hammer.

(GRUNTS) Right in the jingle bells.

Ah! Ah! Whoa!

(SIGHS) Jesus.

"Throw a holiday party. It'll be fun," Tony said.

"What could go wrong?"

I told them the air vent would be a security issue, but (CHUCKLES) no.

Nobody listens to Happy.

(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)

Mmm.

Look at this bar! Oh, my goodness!

I love it!

- (GUNSHOT) - (MUSIC STOPS)

Hands where I can see them, Hammer.

Now surrender peacefully.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, the day you've been dreading has finally come.

The day that you face off

against Tony Stark's greatest adversary.

"Greatest adversary"? What are you, a wealth tax?

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS) Nothing?

Your technique is off.

More strength in back.

Less arms, more hips.

RUSTAM: Da, da, da. I get it now.

Okay, let's take a look.

Where is it? Hulk blood, Hulk blood.

Hulk blood. Hulk blood.

Okay, just where is...

Think... A little vial.

Happy, find the Hulk blood, find the Hulk... No!

(GRUNTS)

Hey, hey, hey. Did you hear that?

(GRUNTS)

- (WHISPERS) Oh, got it. (SIGHS) - (RADIO STATIC)

- (SHUSHES) Stop. - HAMMER: Your little jokes won't do

much good against the master of tae kwon do,

- jiujitsu and Muay Thai. - Switch the channel.

That's right.

- I learned prison-fighting techniques. - Oh, God.

All on the prison yard.

Hmm, maybe a rat.

You know what the most important thing I learned in lockup is?

Enlighten me.

Cheating is for winners.

- (EXPLOSION) - (GRUNTS)

No, Maria!

- (METAL CLANGS) - Oh, whoa. (SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

Be a shadow. Be a shadow. Be a loose shadow.

(SIGHS)

You guys can see me, right?

Da, we see you.

Boss, we have security guard.

Clever. You thought you could distract the Hammer?

- SERGEI: Hey! Get back here. - Hulk blood. I just need the Hulk blood.

Where will you run? (LAUGHS)

Come on. What's a guy gotta do to find an epidural of Banner blood?

Hulk... Huh?

A confetti arrow?

Come on, Tony. You booking Hawkeye out for birthday parties now?

Hulk blood! Oh, yes! Bingo!

All right. (SIGHS) I should definitely be getting hazard pay for this.

- (GUNSHOTS) - (YELLS)

Whoa! (YELLS)

No! Why'd it do that?

Step aside, my little elves.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

Oh, that's not good.

Oh, that's not good.

(CHUCKLES) Hammer.

Shoot him with all you've got.

Whoa! (GRUNTS)

- RUSTAM: There, there, there. Let's go. - Hey! Get back here!

Oh, yeah, the things you learn working for a mad,

over-caffeinated scientist. Incoming!

(COUGHING)

Hey, stop, stop! Stop! You're gonna destroy the Hulk blood.

What's the matter with you?

(SIGHS) Oh, that's useful.

Screw what I said. Just get him. Now.

Happy. Oh, my leg is broken.

Yeah, that's okay. I might have enough leg for the both of us.

Happy? Look, I'm counting on you.

Is that him? Is that the fly in my super serum?

- Stop Hammer. Save the tower. - (RADIO STATIC)

Maria! Maria!

Oh, you got a big box of coal coming your way, missy.

Cuff her. I'm sick of this chick roasting my chestnuts.

Okay, it's all on me now. It's all on me now.

Oh, it's all on me now. (SIGHS)

Okay, yes, there's no "I" in team. There's no "I" in team!

- What? No, no, no! - (CLOTHES TEARING)

(SCREAMS)

- (PHONE VIBRATING) - (MUSIC PLAYING)

- Romanoff. Happy, not a great time. - HOGAN: Natasha? Natasha!

I'm being held at gunpoint by a former HYDRA agent with 17 kills.

Eighteen kills. You forgot Nigeria.

Oh, that was you? Show off.

Uh... You want me to get you help?

Oh, no, I've got this. See you at the party.

- (GUNSHOTS) - Yeah, she'll be fine.

- (LINE RINGING) - Okay, Tony. Pick up, Tony, please.

Perfect timing. Happy, can you tell Timmy here that a replica Cap shield

is nothing but a patriotic Frisbee?

- Tony, it's an emergency! - Whoa!

Trouble here, too. Soccer moms are cornering Cap. Gotta go.

- Tony. Tony! - (CLOTHES TEARING)

(GROANS)

- Okay. - (LINE RINGING)

Come on. Answer the phone, answer the phone.

(GIRL SCREAMING)

- Hello. What? What? Hold on a sec. - (CLAMORING)

Clint, think we need to wrap this up. Sun's getting real low, pal.

Like, super winter solstice kind of low.

Banner, Banner!

- I'm sorry. It's the last one. - Banner!

Clint, just give her the toy!

- BARTON: No can do. - Come on. Just let her have it.

The wife says, "Bring home this toy or don't come home at all."

- Damn it. Clint, just... - Let her have it!

Oh.

Yeah!

Oh, yeah!

DARCY: Start pouring the Shirley Temples, big guy. I got your cherries.

Sparrow-1, this is Puffin-2.

Do you copy? We got a code red.

The tower's been overtaken by terrorists.

Terrorists on Christmas? What is this? Con Air?

No, wait. Under Siege? No, no, no. That's not it. Wait. I know this one.

Uh, walking my mental Blockbuster aisle.

Hey, John McClane, focus.

Every weapon, every suit is currently under Hammer's control.

What are you calling me for?

Tell JARVIS to dial up the army or the Avengers.

(GASPS) Or that scary dude with the eye-patch.

JARVIS is offline defragging. It's how they were able to...

Darcy, you're a genius.

Thanks. I have been in college for the better part of a decade.

Not to brag. But what did I say?

JARVIS has a mainframe in the sub-basement.

If we bring JARVIS back online, we can take control of the building

and everything inside it.

Puffin-2, are you asking me to be your Reginald VelJohnson?

Reginald VelJohnson? That's what you remember from the movie?

Oh, damn.

Eh...

You guys can see me, right?

- (GUNS FIRING) - Uh...

(PANTS)

Okay. Okay, okay. Okay. Okay.

- Oh, okay. - SERGEI: Hey!

Hmm.

(GRUNTS)

Guess the only way out is out!

Holy... (SCREAMS)

(CRIES)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

(ROARS)

(GROANING)

(LAUGHS)

See that? I got Hulk blood pumping through me.

Might as well try it on for size.

- (METAL CLANGING) - Wait, wait. Do you hear that?

Go, go, go.

Broke that damn chain pretty good.

What about the short fuse? Can't have a temper tantrum.

Be calm. Breathe.

That's supposed to help, right?

(INHALES SHARPLY, EXHALES)

DARCY: 10-9, Puffin-2. Everything okay there, boss?

'Cause you sound a little Darth Vader-y.

HOGAN: I just need a minute. I'm going through some stuff.

Can't believe the whole building runs off this one dinky box.

My next internship should totally be at WikiLeaks,

'cause I've got this whole hacking thing... Oh, no.

Whoa!

A secret room!

You thought the doorknob was the mainframe?

Anyone would. This is like Narnia for dorks.

There should be a backup JARVIS AI in the sub-basement.

Boss, he has someone else on the inside. In the sub-basement.

Wait. I got a better idea. Get back to the penthouse.

It's better to make them come to the Hammer.

All right. Here we go, boss. We got a Friday,

a W.A.D.S.W.O.R.T.H., an E.D.I.T.H. 1.0. Gosh, sounds like a BBC mystery.

HOGAN: Darcy, just pick one!

Wunderbar! Werner it is.

- (EXPLOSION) - Whoa! (GASPS)

Darcy? Darcy, do you copy?

Oh, fine. Come in, Sparrow-1. This is Puffin-2. Do you copy?

- (RADIO STATIC) - HAMMER: Is this on?

The only difference between a hero and a villain is good PR.

You see, redemption in this country, it isn't about penance.

No, it's about rebranding,

and that Hulk blood was gonna be my chance.

And then you stole it from me, Happy Hogan. But don't worry.

I will reverse-engineer it after I dissect your twitching corpse.

Don't let him spook you, Happy.

That's right. Ho-Ho-Hogan, I got your girl Friday,

but all I want for Christmas is you.

Oh-ho! Gotta admit that's some solid holiday word play.

Hey, thanks. Penthouse. Five minutes.

Or your intern gets a bullet from Santa.

(COUGHS) But I'm adorable.

HAMMER: Oh, and, Happy, do us all a favor. Don't be a hero.

Turn the elevator on. I'm coming up.

All right. Let's see what we got here.

Given the weight, no sound, I'm guessing it's a Rolex watch?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, my goodness. The billionaire got Captain America socks.

Wow, the press lied. These two really do not get along.

Quality socks can be excellent gift.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Hey, Happy, here to borrow a cup of sugar?

Light him up, fellas.

Happy, no!

- (LOUD THUD) - Oh!

So, give us some figgy pudding!

(LAUGHS)

Wha... "Let it snow?"

Oh, sugar cookies.

- (EXPLOSION) - (GRUNTS)

(HOGAN ROARS)

- What the hell is that? - (LOUD CRASH)

DARCY: Earthquake? Is it an earthquake?

(ROARING)

(ROARS)

I think that's Happy Hogan.

(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHS)

Uh, hello? Giant freak on the loose.

What the hell do you think I pay you for?

Not this.

(SIGHS) Come on, come on. Yoga room. Karaoke studio. Really?

Avengers armory. Bingo!

(GROWLS)

Uh...

- (GRUNTS) - (METAL CLANGS)

Wow. Your neck is thicker than Thor's.

Crazy, right? And the party hasn't even started.

Look, if we can reboot JARVIS...

Already on it, Sparrow-1.

You said you were counting on me. That means something.

Hammer's heading to the armory.

I'll handle him. You guys get to work on the JARVIS reboot.

It's time for that Hammer to get nailed.

Hammer! Hammer!

Oh.

(LAUGHS)

(GROWLING)

(ROARS)

(PANTING)

(GROWLS)

You lost, Hammer. And there's not gonna be a Christmas miracle.

Oh, famous last words, Hulk Hogan.

(RUMBLING)

DARCY: (GASPS) Oh, my God! It's Santa!

He's real.

(BOOMING)

(METAL CLANGING)

I'm Santa Claus, baby.

- (RUMBLING) - Hammer's taken control of the Hulkbuster.

We need to gain control of the suit, now. Upload JARVIS.

Not JARVIS, but German.

This is the worst internship ever.

(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)

(GRUNTS)

HAMMER: Come on, Happy. Don't be like that.

Let's make it quick. I just need a little slice.

Oh, you'll get a piece of me.

There's no way that Stark is paying you enough to deal with the Hammer.

Hey, what are you doing?

Nothing?

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

Oh, yeah! Best boss ever.

Oh, Darcy, really?

Oh, that means a lot coming from, well, someone who's had just so many bosses.

(GRUNTS)

(BEEPING)

Oh, it's frozen. We're locked out.

Damn you, pinwheel of death. Quick. Control-Alt-Delete.

Huh? That actually worked.

A little trick I picked up interning for the Culver University IT department.

- Have you ever had an actual paying job? - Nope.

(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)

W.E.R.N.E.R: Guten tag.

Yes. All right, we're up. Disengage the Veronica Hulkbuster Protocol.

In the beginning, men controlled machines. Now, machines control the fate of men.

(GRUNTS)

Yeah, okay, right. Are you calling the Avengers?

W.E.R.N.E.R: As they say in German, no.

What the hell is this program? Siri for nihilists?

It sounds like my dad.

Happy, you're on your own.

(GROWLS)

HAMMER: Here's some Muay Thai, jiujitsu, tae kwon do!

(GROWLS)

(SIGHS) Know when you're beat, freak.

- (GROWLS) - What?

(GROWLING)

(SCREAMING)

(ROARING)

Son of a nutcracker. That monster is eating my suit!

Huh?

(GRUNTS)

- (GROWLING) - Bruce, a little help.

No, you guys got this.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

- IRON MAN: Where's Thor? - (ROARING)

Is that Happy?

Um, no.

ROMANOFF: What is this thing? (GRUNTS)

- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) - (ROARS)

No, no, no. He's on the guest list.

Repeat, he is on the guest list.

(ELECTRONIC BUZZING)

(GROANS) Natasha! It's me.

Oh, my God. Happy?

(CHUCKLES) I was right.

This is the good guy, that is the bad guy.

(HAMMER CHUCKLES)

IRON MAN: What are you doing with my suit?

HAMMER: Uh, nothing?

(BEEPS)

(METAL CLANGING)

Um...

(ROARS)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

You saved me. Why?

It's Christmas, Hammer. Goodwill towards men.

(PANTS) Even the bad ones.

Huh. (SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

I'm sorry about the party, Tony. I'm sure insurance will cover most of it.

Are you kidding? You're the only insurance policy I'll ever need.

Ah, thanks, Tony. Wait. You do have a cure, don't you?

I'm not stuck this way, right?

(LAUGHS)

My head of security, everybody. How about this guy, right?

- Yeah, Happy. - Good job, Happy.

- Crushed it, man. - Bah, humbug.

THE WATCHER: As for how the rest of this holiday tale goes,

the tower was safe and secure, still decked in holly and bows,

when Tony Stark to his team gave a whistle.

IRON MAN: I think I speak for everyone when I say

some food would be beneficial.

HOGAN: My appetite is raging. I can eat an actual fruitcake after that fight.

THE WATCHER: But I heard a voice say as the heroes vanished from sight...

"Merry Christmas to all and to all a..."

Guys?

Oh, I missed the party.

(LAUGHS)

"To all, a good night."

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪ ♪ and a happy new year ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪ ♪ and a happy new year ♪

♪ Glad tidings we bring ♪ ♪ to you and your kin ♪

♪ Glad tidings at Christmas ♪ ♪ and a happy new year ♪

♪ We wish you a swinging Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a crazy Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a naughty Christmas ♪ ♪ and a frantic new year ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪ ♪ and a happy new year ♪

♪ Now, bring us some figgy pudding, ♪

♪ Please, bring us some figgy pudding, ♪

♪ Please, bring us some our pudding, ♪

♪ so bring it out here! ♪

♪ Good tidings we bring to you and your kin ♪

♪ Good tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year ♪

♪ a Happy New Year ♪

♪ and a Happy New Year ♪

Yeah

DARCY: All right.

♪ (SINGING) Good Queen ♪ ♪ Darcy last looked down ♪

♪ On the feast of Steve Rogers ♪

♪ When the snow lay on the ground ♪

♪ Something, something, something ♪

♪ Thor has a giant neck ♪ ♪ It is full of muscles ♪

♪ He's just a little schmoopy ♪ ♪ noodle Going through the cosmos ♪

(LAUGHS)

Happy Holidays! Make up dumb songs for money.