Original subtitles

- Valentine's Day.

Saint Valentine.

Patron saint of bee keepers,

epilepsy,

fainting,

the plague,

and of course,

love.

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love love love...

Maybe I should send her a valentine.

She'd never know.

I'll radish you.

It's funny and witty, razor sharp.

She'll love it.

I won't.

I will.

I won't.

I will.

I have.

I've just sent a valentine to my best friend's wife!

Fuck!

- Hiya.

Hello, Freddie.

Now try not to forget,

they're not suppositories.

You take them orally.

- Okay.

Thank you.

- Darling.

- Get off, you...

- I am the ball's official photographer.

Hey, you're looking good, for a man in a skirt.

- Thank you, sweetie.

- Bloody hell.

- Sorry.

No taxis.

- Hello, darling.

- Hi, Archie.

- So, shall we?

- Yes.

- See you in court.

- You're a genius.

- Hey, don't go bolstering that bastard's ego.

- So, did you like my valentine?

- Oh, yeah.

Very sexy.

- Sexy?

- Well, of course.

It was from you.

- It's delicious.

Have you tried some?

- Feed me.

- Okay, close your eyes.

- Radish?

Your valentine, silly.

- Oh, sweetheart.

I'm really sorry I forgot to post it.

- Then who sent this?

- I'll radish you?

What a saddo.

- It was really sweet.

- So, my baby sister's got a secret admirer.

- With a thing about root vegetables.

- Darling, you're a beautiful woman,

and someone's got the hots for you.

- Sam reckons it's one of my patients.

- Hey, you could have a wild affair.

- You haven't seen my patients.

- Anyway, you think you've got problems?

- Yeah, but they're all married.

- Toby's single.

- I never did understand your relationship with Toby.

- By the way, I persuaded Henry to try some Viagra,

plus half an E.

- Felicity.

That's very dangerous.

- Certainly is.

I've been walking like John Wayne ever since.

You tried it out on Sam yet?

- We're fine.

- Fine.

Oh, dear God, it's worse than I thought.

- It's great.

Really.

Very nice.

- Alice, anyone that thinks that screwing is nice

is confusing sex with sewing.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

I wouldn't kick him out of bed.

Oh, nice plinth.

- Would you like a sample?

- I'd like the whole package.

- It's our new line.

Anonymous.

A hint of mystery with a dark promise

of forbidden excitement.

- Just what you need, darling.

- Bloody hell.

How long have you been at this?

- It takes as long as it takes.

- Yeah?

But then what?

- I just wanna see her sail again.

After that, who knows.

Maybe I'll just sit on the deck,

a glass of whisky in hand and watch the sun go down.

- I don't know, mate.

You're a one off.

You really are.

Your department, I believe.

- Ah.

- A few more than I said, I'm afraid.

Looks like Dan's on a fruit and nut diet.

- Still need notes for Monday?

- Mmm.

Sorry.

Hey, quick drink before you start?

- Are you not going home to your beautiful wife?

- She's out on the piss with her beautiful sister.

Oh, go on.

What do you say?

- Nah, I've got to get on with this, haven't I?

- Mysterious, yet slightly naughty,

for the femme fatale of today.

It's not me.

- A single sniff turns tongue tied boys

into fluent cunnilinguists.

Oh, did Sam like your card?

- Suppose so.

Bit weird, really.

He said it was sexy.

- Sexy?

A picture of Marge Simpson?

Oh, bugger.

Maybe his other card was sexy.

- What other card?

- The one he's not telling you about, dummy.

He's obviously got a secret admirer too.

- Excuse me, your table's ready.

- He would have told me when I showed him mine.

- Darling, you're forgetting, he's a man.

You're a nurse, you should know.

They've got smaller brains than us.

So they can fit them into their penises.

0 I don't know why you sleep with so many men.

You obviously don't like them.

- I like bits of them.

- Not all married men are like your boyfriends, you know.

- Of course they are.

It's just a question of opportunity.

- It's a question of trust.

If someone fancied Sam, he'd tell me straight away.

He would.

- Okay.

Prove it.

I got one with nothing on it.

Must be from Henry.

Silent type.

Come on.

10 quid says he doesn't tell you.

- Hundred says he does.

- Deal.

So, you liked it then?

- Henry.

Oh, it was so sweet.

I was just showing it to Alice.

Ooh, still at attention!

- No, no.

No, please.

Please don't post it.

Mum always said you got me into trouble.

What?

- Trying to remember the last time I saw you naked.

- A little mystery never did any harm.

Hello, sexy.

- Good morning.

The headlines at eight o'clock.

Footballer Dan Harlow begins his

refute allegations libel action today.

- Hey.

You all right?

Fine.

That will be Martin. - That will be Martin.

- Yeah?

Hi, Martin.

- Oh, look, your case is on the news.

- Get a glimpse of one of football's bright young players.

Dan Harlow is suing a major national newspaper for alleging-

- Yeah, listen, mate, I'll call you back.

- Sex romps with a married couple.

Harlow's wife, actress Miranda Campbell,

is conspicuously absent today.

Bristol's up and coming libel lawyer,

Sam Holbrook, has taken the case,

but with the story backed by numerous photographs,

observers here are questioning the wisdom

of bringing this case to court in the first place.

- Gotta run.

Bye, darling.

- He even kept the lock of hair.

- Good job Henry keeps that dog clean.

Anyway, at least there's an upside.

- What?

- I'm a hundred quid richer.

Repeat after me, Felicity was right.

- He just didn't wanna hurt my feelings.

It's not like he's gonna run off

and have an affair or anything.

Sorry.

I'll prove it.

- How?

- I don't know, I'll text him.

Something raunchy.

See if he responds.

- He'll know it's from your phone.

- I'll buy a new one.

- And if he rings?

- He won't ring.

I'll talk to him then.

- And when he recognizes your voice?

- I'll be all sexy.

- Go on then, let's hear it.

And more to the point, what would you say?

- You know, filthy things.

- Alice.

The nearest you get to filthy is gardening.

So what's it gonna be come and play with my begonias?

- Hello, Sam.

This is Anonymous.

Would you like to prune my bush?

Actually, that's not bad.

Innocent yet knowing, with just a hint of slapper.

Every man's perfect woman.

- Do you swap ends at half time?

- Who are you playing for next, Danny?

Queen's Park Rangers?

Arsenal, more like.

- Shut it, you.

Dan ain't no pillock rider, right?

- You know these guys.

Just a bit of fun, yeah?

- Fun?

Any more fun like that and we'll lose the Yorkie contract.

- Where the hell's Miranda?

The jury needs to see her supporting you.

- Filming, mate.

It's what she does.

- Aye, aye.

Blonde eyebrows.

Blonde eyebrows, blonde kebab.

- Me and my boyfriend Paul, we're both bisexual.

Nothing to be ashamed of.

Just get double the fun that way.

Anyway, we get chatting to Dan in the bar...

And Paul asks him about being a gay icon.

Wonders if it goes any further than that.

So Dan says, "Why don't we go and find out?"

- So Mr. Harlow invited you to his hotel?

- That's a lie.

Dan ain't no chutney badger!

- Flic, what underwear have you got on?

- Alice, maybe you should think this through.

- Anonymous doesn't think.

She does.

- Talk about stamina.

First me, then Paul.

Then the two of us together.

He couldn't get enough of it.

- And who took the photographs?

- Them?

Well, me and Paul.

We like to keep a few souvenirs, you know?

- Very valuable souvenirs.

- Hey, it weren't like that.

We had a lovely time.

In the morning, Dan started calling us all sorts of names,

so we thought stuff him.

If he's gonna be like that, then he deserves all he gets.

- Thank you.

No more questions, m' Lud.

- Mr. Holbrook?

- Sam.

- No questions, m' Lud.

- Haven't seen him for a while.

- Martin. - Martin.

It might be important.

- This is important.

- Oh, hi, Martin.

What's up, mate?

Yeah.

No problem.

I'll see you then.

- You had your chance and you blew it.

- Oh, hi.

Breakfast is served.

Unfortunately, I've gotta run.

- Ooh.

Archie's asked us round for dinner tonight.

- Tonight?

I'm sorry.

Martin wants to go over some paperwork.

But you go, eh?

See you later.

- Hello.

- When you're ready, mate.

Do I get a discount for these silences?

- Mr. Sharpe.

- Yep.

- As Dan Harlow's personal manager,

could you tell the Court your recollections

of the evening of the 17th June last year?

- Yeah, well, you see, what with Miranda off working,

I knew that Dan would be on his tod,

so invited him round for a bit of nosebag.

You know, spag bol, can of lager,

couple of games of snooker.

And then about half 10, well, he toodled off home.

- Are you sure about the time?

- Oh, yes.

See, Buffy was about to start and I never miss it.

- And how far is your home from the hotel

where the alleged incident took place?

- Hundred miles, give or take.

- So, for Mr. Harlow to have been there by 11...

- He would have needed a time machine.

- Sorry, just on my way to lunch.

Anything?

- Didn't text, didn't ring. I was right, you were wrong.

Perfect husband.

- Darling, I've had dozens of those.

- God!

Oh my God!

Flic!

It's ringing!

Hi.

Bastard!

What do I do?

- I don't know, do I?

It was your stupid idea in the first place.

- It was your idea.

- Uh-uh, the phone wasn't my idea.

- Maybe he's just ring to say that he's happily married.

- There's one way to find out.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- No.

- Hello?

- Hello, Sam.

What am I wearing?

Cheeky sod!

I'm not taking my clothes off.

Nothing.

I'm wearing nothing.

I'm completely, totally naked.

And I'm...

Late?

Waiting for you.

Thinking about you.

Naked.

Feeling.

Touching myself.

My nipples are...

Hard.

Well, you are very naughty.

Are you?

Really?

I can feel you.

Close your eyes.

- Don't stop.

Don't stop.

Good, good, good!

You all right, mate?

Lunch?

- This is fucking war!

- Hang on, you obviously enjoyed it.

- That's not the point.

I had phone sex with my husband.

He had phone sex with a complete stranger.

I want his testicles on a plate!

Then I think I might use the cheese grater on his knob!

- Some men would pay good money for that.

- And give him a chili powder enema.

- That too.

- Then I'll cut off his foreskin and feed it to the cat!

- Oh, thank you, Alice.

I only come here for the scenery.

- Mr. Sharpe.

- Yep.

- You're President of the Railway Restoration Society,

I believe?

- Yeah, Childhood passion of mine, that.

Steam trains.

Choo-choo.

- So you probably remember this?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, that's me.

That's when I was guest of honor.

Your Honor.

- There's a clock in the photograph.

What time does it read?

-20.

- And what does that banner above your head say?

- Railway Restoration Society Dinner, June...

The 17th, 2004.

- Order.

- Putting your stupid heads together

and deciding to lie under oath.

That's not only perjury, that's conspiracy to pervert

the course of fucking justice!

- All right, listen, he didn't do it.

- Oh, yeah, right, and you're Mother Theresa.

- I wasn't there.

- Dan, are you holding something back?

You gotta help us out.

We're struggling here.

- Tell him.

- Okay.

You know Miranda, right?

- The invisible wife?

- Sam, please.

- Before the story broke, she told me she was pregnant.

And now she's saying she doesn't wanna raise a child

with someone like me.

She means everything to me, mate.

- He loves her.

He has even got Miranda forever tattooed on his arse.

- Hip.

- Arse.

- Hip.

- Arse.

- Cliff.

- That is your arse.

- Cliff, why don't you go and get us some coffee?

Thank you.

- Arse.

- Go on, Danny.

- Look, when all this crap came out,

she went ballistic.

I tried to say it wasn't me,

but with all the pictures in the papers and everything.

- Oh, so that's why you went along with Cliff's story?

So, Dan, what were you doing that night?

- Nothing.

I was at home alone while Miranda was out filming.

- Flic, what do men look for in a woman?

- Delia Smith in the kitchen

and Heidi Fleiss in the bedroom.

- I think I'm a bit too Delia in the bedroom.

Boring.

Why doesn't Sam call me and talk dirty?

Because I'm too Alice?

- Or maybe...

- Maybe what?

- Maybe he did know.

Just playing along.

- Do you really think so?

- Yeah.

But two can play at that game, can't they?

- Shag Actually?

That's porn.

- It's not porn, darling.

It's erotica.

- My Best Friend's Spreading?

No.

I thought you meant sex kitten, not sex monster.

- Hey.

Maybe I could watch a couple of those movies with you?

I get off at six.

- Who with, your right hand?

Oh, yeah.

- Butt Detective?

- That's you sorted for the next few nights.

- Bollocks!

I'm supposed to be at Archie's!

- Bye.

- Hello, Martin.

Oh God, I've missed you.

- Hello, love-rat.

- It's all work and no play with Sam.

Ooh.

- Bugger.

- Careful, that's a hundred quid bottle of wine.

Pinched it from Sam's cellar.

Here, let me.

One of the more useful things I learnt at college.

- Sorry.

Sorry.

- Oh.

Sorry.

- I'm sorry.

A Cock On The Lips Now?

I thought you liked romantic comedies.

- It's research.

A new surgery the practice want me to run.

How to maintain a healthy sex life

in monogamous relationships.

- I hate to tell you this,

but I don't think these reflect reality too much.

Don't forget I Stay Hard All Night.

I Stay Hard All Night.

I told you they don't reflect reality.

- Oh my God, that's Jenny Clough!

- Who?

- Jenny Clough.

Had a thing about Sam at uni.

Christian fundamentalist.

- Oh my God!

Let's put it on.

Let's watch it!

Come on!

- Oh, what's got into you tonight, hmm?

- I think you know.

God.

It was great, wasn't it?

- Mm-hmm.

- The whole phone sex thing, hmm?

- You had phone sex?

With another woman?

- No.

Did I?

But I thought it was you.

- Why would it be me?

- Who else would it be?

- I don't know.

Maybe it was your wife.

- Katy.

I think I would have recognized my own wife, hmm?

Besides, Alice could never be that...

- What?

- Filthy.

Christ.

The blonde?

- What?

- Such a fantastic painting, Katya.

- You can't make me jealous.

I'm immune.

Wives get jealous, not lovers.

- Get down on your knees!

- You can't get much more fundamental than that.

- She was always going on about eternal punishment.

- Hang on.

Wasn't she a vegetarian?

Can blow jobs really get you off a speeding ticket?

- Always worked for me.

- Have you done that?

- She's a contortionist.

- So is he by the looks of things.

- Can't you do that?

- You're funny.

That's funny.

Coffee?

- Archie, what turns you on?

I mean generally.

What was it about Beth that really got you going?

- That she'd have me?

- Did she dominate you in the bedroom?

- Did she dominate me?

She dominated me all over the house.

- I'm just trying to find out what men look for in a woman.

- A pulse?

Actually, there was one time that Beth phoned me

in the middle of the day, and I was at work,

and she told me that she wasn't wearing any knickers.

And that evening we went out for dinner, and you know,

knowing that we both knew it.

And I was wearing a pair of very tight jeans.

And I couldn't walk.

You know what they say about the perfect woman?

A blind nymphomaniac heiress who lives above a pub.

With big tits, obviously.

- What would I do without you?

Flic.

I think I've been going about this the wrong way.

Are you listening?

Flic?

- Darling, could we talk about this tomorrow?

Ooh.

Ooh.

- Darling, I'm really swamped here.

Please.

Please, no.

- You didn't even notice the outfit.

- That thing Flic gave you?

I thought you said it was itchy?

- Sam, I'm afraid.

- Come here, silly.

I'm just a bit snowed under right now, yeah?

So what about that fancy pad you two bought?

Where was it?

- I'm getting rid of it.

- Are you crazy?

Must have loads of pulling power.

- You would know if you'd ever bothered

to come round and have a look.

- You've got to romance them.

Flowers.

Take them for dinner.

Women like surprises.

- Oh, shit, fuck, bollocks!

- You all right, mate?

- Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

No, I'm fine.

I'm fine.

So, when was the last time you surprised Alice?

- That's different.

We're married.

- You know what they say about married women.

They're always fantasying about other men.

- And what's that supposed to mean?

- Nothing.

Doesn't mean anything.

I'm just saying.

- Hey.

You may have seen her first,

but I was the one who asked her out.

Remember?

- Hi.

- Hi, darling.

- Hi.

- Ooh.

What have you done?

- Oh, it's nothing.

It's just a...

- Inside.

Now.

- Do you remember when we were students

and we went to that karaoke party?

We both got so drunk we ended up saying

we were gonna go to Japan and climb Mount Fuji.

- Japan.

We were going everywhere that night.

- Yeah.

Well, guess what?

I've been asked to go to Japan.

- Oh.

Sorry.

- It's okay.

It's a new law firm in Tokyo.

Partner.

- Oh.

We'd really miss you.

- No, no, no, no, no.

- No, listen, I've been thinking.

He obviously knows anonymous is really me,

just doesn't want to break the spell.

A secret meeting could be exciting.

- Exciting?

- I'm going to blind fold him.

- Alice, I really don't think you've thought this through.

- Flic, I have.

Why can't you be a bit more supportive?

Because I don't want to see you fuck up your marriage.

- And, of course, fucking up marriages isn't something

you'd know anything about?

- Yeah, well.

At least none of my men are lying to me.

- Hello, rat.

How romantic.

- Hey.

If I don't get hold of you soon I might have to do some DIY.

- You're like dog on heat.

What is it?

That woman again?

Yes.

- She sent me a note.

Wants to meet tonight.

- Give.

- I threw it away.

- Aw.

Expensive perfume.

Are you going?

- Of course not.

What do you take me for?

- A cheating love-rat.

- Your cheating love-rat.

- You're so cute when you're scared.

You know what, I don't own you.

It's your life.

You want to go, you go.

- I'm not going.

Okay?

- Hello.

- Just tell me where.

- I'll text you.

- Alice!

Come in.

- Archie, I need a favor.

A big favor.

- Sure, whatever.

Do you want a drink?

- No.

You know that flat you and Beth bought?

- Yeah.

It's back on the market.

- I know.

It's just this friend of mine from work,

she needs somewhere to meet this guy.

- What, do you mean like an affair?

- Kind of.

- What's her name?

- Anonym...

Bella.

- Anonabella?

- She's South African.

We just call her Bella.

- Right.

Can she not use your place?

- No.

No.

Sam wouldn't approve.

- So Sam doesn't know?

- Promise not to tell him.

- What's to tell?

It's not like I've ever met this Anonabella, is it?

- No.

You'd have remembered her.

She's very sexy.

- I've always thought so.

- Are you sure you don't mind?

- Are you sure?

- Just work.

- This is my last favor, I promise.

- Alice, I don't want any more to do with it, okay?

- It's shopping.

- I'll get my coat.

- Thanks, Flic.

You're great.

- Are you sure you want to do this?

- It's gonna work.

I know it is.

- Now, there's just one more thing.

Hi there.

Go on.

She wants a Brazilian.

- Oh!

Get on your knees.

Get down on your knees.

- Bastard.

- Why the blindfold?

- It's part of the game.

Don't you want to play?

- Of course.

- No.

- I feel so excited.

- Get on your knees.

Touch me.

- You looked amazing in court today.

Hello?

- Anonymous.

You stay away from my man.

With your sleazy letters and your flashy perfume.

You're nothing to him.

He's mine.

Okay?

Bitch!

Once more and I'll fucking kill you!

- My friend says thank you.

- Come in.

Sam's having an affair.

- Sam is?

Are you sure?

- Mm.

She made it perfectly clear.

- I don't know what to say, I mean...

How could he do that?

How could he...

I'm gonna call him right now-

- No, please, Archie, don't say anything.

I just need to deal with this in my own way.

Maybe it's my fault.

- Don't say that.

Don't say that, it's not your fault.

- What am I gonna do?

I don't want to lose my marriage.

- Look, I know this...

Sometimes men, they can...

They can separate sex and, and love.

They can.

- That's comforting.

- He does love you.

- Yesterday I would have believed that.

He obviously doesn't find me attractive any more.

I mean, God, when I think about it...

I mean where has he really been all those times?

Late nights in chambers, dinners with clients.

I feel so...

What right has he got?

What's she got that I haven't?

Well?

- Don't be silly.

Alice, don't be silly.

You are gorgeous.

Really, really gorgeous.

- Then why doesn't he want me?

- Because he's stupid.

Oh God.

- Sorry.

She was all tall and sexy and exotic.

Russian or something.

- God.

Don't you just hate that?

- And a bit painty.

- Painty?

- I don't know.

Maybe she was a decorator or something.

You know the worst thing?

There was Sam, on his knees in front of me,

and there was this...

I can't describe it.

Intense desire.

He used to feel that way about me.

It's not there any more, unless he thinks I'm someone else.

- Look, maybe you should think about getting out.

I hate to say this, but if he's having an affair,

men like that don't change.

- And I kissed Archie.

- What?

Tongues?

- Flic, it was everything.

Tongues, lips, hands.

What have I done?

I mean, Archie's the last person in the world

I'd want to hurt.

- Doesn't sound very painful to me.

Sounds rather scrumptious.

- That was the point.

It was so...

Anyway, it wasn't me that kissed him.

It was Anonymous.

- Right.

- Morning, Sam.

- Morning.

All right, Archie?

Hey, who pissed in your porridge?

Mr. Webb, can I conclude that what you're saying

is that these pictures have been digitally enhanced?

- Yes, certain minor elements of the picture-

- A simple yes or no will suffice.

So according to Mr. Webb here,

we can no longer assume that these pictures

that the defendants claim were taken

on the night in question,

relate in any way to the events they supposedly portray.

- Mr. Webb.

Could you outline for us exactly where you have

identified digital enhancement?

- Well, a couple of them have been flipped

to improve the composition.

The most noticeable change is here.

Just at the edge.

The bedside lamp has been removed.

- The most significant change, you say?

And have you been able to identify any alterations

to the persons in the photographs?

- No.

Not really.

None, in fact.

- None.

Thank you, Mr. Webb.

- Great, I'm being hung out to dry here

and I'm getting nothing from you.

- Sam, don't start on me, okay?

- Look, let's face it, we're stuffed already.

So unless you can come up with something very quickly,

I'm putting Dan on the stand.

- And where's that gonna get us?

- Sympathy.

It's damage limitation time for me.

- I've got it!

I'm gonna win him back.

- What?

- No, don't you see?

When Sam finds out I'm Anonymous,

he's gonna have a wife and a mistress in one.

He's never gonna wanna stray again.

- Sorry, Dan.

You're stuffed.

Wait a minute.

Hip, arse, hip, arse...

- What do you want?

- I have to see you.

- I'll text you.

- Come on.

Come on.

There must be.

There must be.

Yes.

Yes!

Alice.

Hi.

About last night.

I'm sorry.

I was, you know, I should never have,

with you being so upset about-

- You don't have to apologize.

I knew you were just trying to make me feel-

- Yeah, I know, but I was completely out of order

and I'm so sorry.

- Me, too.

Archie, I couldn't borrow that key again, could I?

For my friend.

- Alice, you don't have to lie to me.

Sauce for the goose, right?

- I didn't say that.

- But you're still gonna sneak off

for some pathetic little fuck with some fuck knows who

in dear old Archie's fucking apartment!

Look, look, if Sam really loves you and you really love him

then stop pissing about and be with him!

Stay with him!

But, if you don't, then just-

- Archie, please.

- No.

No.

I've had enough.

- For you.

Sex bomb.

- Love-rat.

How sweet.

Bastard.

Fucking bastard!

Low-life fucking bag of shit!

- What have I done?

- What have you done?

You saw her.

You saw Anonymous.

- Katya, darling, I wouldn't even-

- You liar.

I followed you.

I saw you go in and 10 minutes later I saw her come out.

- You saw her?

- Yes.

- What did she look like?

- What did she look like?

You nasty little rodent.

- Hey, come on.

What could I have done in 10 minutes?

- Fucked her 10 times!

Go away.

Fuck off.

Go and don't come back.

- You don't mean that.

- I mean it!

- Katy.

Sweetheart.

I'd be lost without you.

And whose bum am I gonna bite if not yours?

The truth, right?

Yeah, I did see her, but for 10 minutes.

And you know why?

- Why?

Because that's how long it took to tell her

exactly what I thought about being stalked.

- Stalked?

- Oh, yeah.

She's a friggin' looney.

- Are you lying to me?

You know what I wish?

I wish it could be just the two of us.

No Alice, no stalker, just you and me.

- Don't you think I don't want that too, huh?

Listen.

This case will be over soon.

And when it is, big surprise coming your way.

Promise.

- All rise.

- M' Lud, may I approach the bench?

Your Honor, I must deeply apologize,

but it seems neither my client nor my solicitor

have yet arrived.

And with your permission, may I request a brief adjournment

as I attempt to locate their whereabouts?

- Sam.

Sam.

- I'm putting Dan on the stand.

- No, no, you don't understand.

Sam, this isn't Dan.

- As you can see, Your Honor, they have arrived.

Now may I request your permission

to call Daniel Harlow to the stand?

- Sorry I'm late.

- Well, bugger me backwards!

Don't be stupid, it weren't Danny in he photographs,

it was a bloody look a like, weren't it?

- You bastard!

Sorry, Dan, sorry.

You bastard!

You've cost me money, you have.

- Well, you could have come forward sooner.

- I know, I know, man, but you know,

don't want the wife finding out now, did I?

Do you know what I mean?

But as soon as your man came forward

and told me about your bird,

figured I'd better come clean.

- So how did you do it?

- The photograph had been flipped, right?

So actually it was his left hip that was showing.

Left hip, but no tattoo.

- Archie, you're good.

- Don't give me that.

You were gonna put him on the stand,

and we made him a promise.

- I didn't.

Bollocks.

Listen, Archie, I've got a lunch.

- Actually, I need you to go over

some of my notes with me, please.

- I win the case, you do the paperwork, huh?

Besides, my head's somewhere else right now.

- Yeah, up your arse.

- Oh, Sam.

- Who are-

- Ssh.

Remember this.

- I never thought letting go completely could be so amazing.

I'll do anything for you.

Anything at all.

- Take off your blindfold.

- No, wait.

I want this feeling to last.

- I want you to see who I am.

- No, listen.

I've never set eyes on you but I know...

I'm in love with you.

I mean, God, I've said that a million times before but,

suddenly I realize I've never really meant it.

It's never been like this.

Not with Katya.

She's just sex.

And Alice...

- Yes?

- Alice is nothing compared to you.

Hello?

Bollocks!

Couldn't stay away?

Put it on.

- Love-rat.

- Fuck!

- Come on, love-rat.

Take me.

Yes?

No, it's wrong number.

No, it's not Sam's phone.

Sam, what's going on?

I'm gonna kill that slut!

I'm going to nail your scrotum to the ceiling!

Open the door!

Stupid woman.

Cleaning lady.

Come here.

Open the door.

What?

Stop staring at me.

Open the fucking door!

Oh, come on!

Anonymous.

- We award the plaintiff the sum of one million pounds.

- Let's go, Lazio!

- Order!

Order!

Mr. Sharpe.

- Yes.

- This case may be over, but there is

another matter outstanding.

Arrest this man for perjury.

- Oh, fuck off!

- And contempt.

- What?

Bollocks!

- And resisting arrest.

- See you in court!

- I'll be making a statement in a moment.

I did it, Archie.

I did it.

- Yeah, that's right, you did it, you won.

- Yes.

This is the most perfect day of my life.

And that is the perfect woman.

- Sam, you married the perfect woman.

- Footballer Dan Harlow has had

a great result in court today.

His barrister, Sam Holbrook,

looks in the set to become a major player

in the Premier League.

- These monstrous lies could have wrecked

a talented young man's marriage.

Lies are the cancer in our society.

And it is our job, no, our duty,

to expose them in every walk of life.

- The Holbrook Home for Compulsive Liars.

- Thank you.

- No, double glazing isn't a big priority for me right now.

- Alice?

Alice?

You okay?

It's me.

Alice?

Katya.

What are you doing here?

Did you do this?

- Where's Alice?

- Where is Alice?

Have you lost your mind?

- I'm telling her about us.

And Anonymous.

- Darling.

- What did you call her?

- Katya...

My wife, Alice.

Alice, Katya.

Junior clerk.

- Hello.

- I'm not a junior clerk.

And she's not your wife.

She is Anonymous.

I want to see Alice.

- You've just been introduced.

- She's Anonymous, I saw her.

- Now you're just being ridiculous.

Darling?

Remember this?

- Darling?

- Sorry.

Really I am.

- I had no idea.

It was all so...

- Exciting.

Dangerous.

Dirty.

Sexy.

- Yeah.

It was.

You were...

- I was cheated on.

You couldn't give a shit, could you?

It doesn't matter who you shag.

You even cheated on your mistress.

What kind of bastard does that make you, Sam?

- But, now we've found each other again.

- You don't get it at all, do you?

I found you ages ago.

You only found me when you were cheating on me.

What does that make me?

I fought to stay with you, Sam, because I loved you.

You cured me of that.

You don't know where I can find a good lawyer, do you?

- I've gone off married men.

- Oh my God.

Oh my God!

Archie, you're such a fool.

Hello.

Hello?

Alice.

Hello, Alice.

Hello.

Right, okay.

I knew that Bella wasn't really...

I mean, I knew that you were having an affair with your...

Oh, for God's sake, Archie, get a grip.

- The newspaper.

- No, listen.

I never realized what you...

I mean, I thought you...

Here was me thinking...

- Archie.

- No, you see, I know Bella wasn't really a person.

And I just assumed...

It was only natural really, and I was just so...

I thought you had someone else.

I didn't think for a minute that you were, well, with Sam.

I mean, I know you were with Sam, but not with Sam.

I couldn't stand the fact that you

hadn't chosen me for your affair.

- Archie.

I don't do affairs.

And even if I did, I wouldn't choose you.

- Oh.

- You're my friend.

- Yeah, of course.

- And I wouldn't wanna do anything to spoil that.

- No, me neither.

- Are you okay?

- Great.

Dear Alice I would've come round to say goodbye,

but I've been busy getting the boat finished.

And to be absolutely honest, I've been avoiding you.

Because once I knew you'd never feel the same way about me

as I do about you, the decision was easy.

I don't think I can face the thought

of bumping into you any more.

And I think it's time I had a real adventure.

I've tried really hard, Alice, believe me,

but I just can't seem to get you out of my heart.

Love always.

Archie.

P.S. glad you liked the radishes.

- Anything interesting?

And you're still here because...

- Archie!

Archie!

Archie!

You can't run off like this.

- You all right there?

- Where's the man who owns the boat?

- Used to own her.

He sold her to me.

- Sold it?

Why?

- Flying's quicker, I guess.

- Where's he gone?

- Well, Japan.

He took a job there.

He helped me cast off.

Next time I turned around he was gone.

Afraid of missing his train, I suppose.

- The train on platform three

is the24 service...

- Shit!

Please, I really have to...

- Get a ticket.

Over there.

Excuse me?

- I'm sorry, love, you'll have to join the queue

like everyone else.

- Could you just let me in?

- We've all been waiting.

- Please, I've really-

- Ticket!

- You are such a shit!

Not you.

- Peter, did that last announcement come out?

- Yes, sounded fine.

- Where's Jill?

I'm leaving at half past.

- Oh, d' you not hear?

She's called in sick.

- No!

I've been stuck in this booth for bloody hours!

- And I'm your replacement.

- You can't go in there!

She's locked the bloody door!

- Well unlock it!

- I can't, she's got the key.

Get out of there.

- Archie.

No!

No! - Miss, open the door.

Archie.

Archie!

Archie Gray.

Please don't go.

I grew the radishes!

- Hey, come out of there.

- Shut up, will you?

Just shut up!

Please don't go.

- Thank you.

- Archie.

I got your letter, I'm not letting you go to Tokyo.

Listen to me.

Bollocks!

Archie?

Testing!

- This is a security announcement.

All unattended items of baggage

will be removed and destroyed by the security services.

- Do you want a hand with that?

- Thank you very much.

- There you go.

- Archie, this is Alice.

The leaves on platform are the snowy conditions.

Due to an industrial dispute.

Please ensure you keep your personal belongings

in Exeter, Saint David's and Didcott Parkway.

The train at platform seven, nine and 10

will be removed and destroyed by...

Archie, you bloody idiog.

Vet off the ducking grain.

Vet off the ducking grain.

- No!

- Hey.

Come back here!

- Archie!

- Stop that woman!

Archie?

No!

Archie.

Archie.

- Alice?

- I love you.

I love you.

- Could everybody listen, please?

Everyone here's been in love at least once, right?

- I love you!

- Does this mean I'm in with a chance then?

- Ooh, take me home and radish me!