Original subtitles

Growing up, the fear of being gay

was being effeminate.

It was more about not being a man.

I never felt sexually comfortable in my skin

and that, I think, was exacerbated by the fact that

I was not only recognizable,

but had this very strange nickname

everywhere I went.

So it made me less of a raconteur

to be called "Doogie"

than be acne-ridden at The Standard.

I was in "Rent" with this

incredibly diverse gaggle of people.

Gay guys that are, like, "Fuck you, this is who I am, snap, snap."

And straight guys that were super okay with gay people.

And gay people that were super not okay with straight people.

And that opened my eyes a lot.

I thought, "Wow, you can kind of be who you are

and let the chips kind of fall where they may."

So I wasn't really conscious of, like,

"My God, if I come out, I'll never work again."

I just wanted to make sure that

I presented myself in a way

that allowed me the most opportunity to work.

I do think that it's difficult for someone

who's got a sibilant S, who's talking a lot,

even if they're really masculine,

if they're talking with, like, a hardcore lisp,

it's hard for them to be the football quarterback in a movie.

I got on a TV show, "How I Met Your Mother,"

and I figured, "That's interesting."

'Cause I'm playing, like, a very, very

overt heterosexual on that show.

I met David Burtka in New York.

I was walking down the street one day.

A friend, Kate Reinders,

was with this James Deany-looking dude.

And I was, like, "Kate, nice job on this one."

And she's, like, "David? No, he's totally gay."

And I said, "Really?"

We started dating very quickly, actually.

And...

like a nice lesbian couple, moved in after, like, three months.

And we sort of have never been apart.

I don't think that kids need

a father and a mother necessarily.

I think they need male and female role models.

But I don't think that means that

we shouldn't have kids because we're two guys.

We don't encourage our child to only play with Barbies.

But if our son picks up a Barbie doll

and wants to play with it, okay.

Parents need to be more accepting

of who their kids are

and less concerned about

who society thinks they need to be.

It's such an interesting time now, I think,

because the gay visibility is so prevalent.

You can watch "The Amazing Race" and see a gay couple

fight, argue, and win.

General, normal, mainstream, Middle America

that doesn't get out and witness a lot of diversity,

I feel like they get that diversity through television.

Now there are so many examples

that you can't put the gay

in a little gay box anymore.

I was kind of a dreamer growing up.

I would write about, you know, when I would have long hair

and write about laying in the grass and talking to a boy

and doing things that

I think my peers took for granted.

So I always knew that I would be a writer in New York City,

telling stories as a woman.

I was named after my father. His name was Charles.

I was his first son,

so therefore, I was his namesake.

And I think that always frustrated him a bit

'cause he wanted his son to be very tough.

I can't remember a time when I didn't know that I was a girl.

Wanting to always be in the kitchen with my aunts and my grandmother

and hearing them talk about the world

and talk about, you know, women's problems

and gossiping about other women.

I didn't hear the term "transgender, transsexual."

I didn't know what "trans" was.

I remember in the seventh grade coming up to my mother and telling her,

"Mom, I'm gay."

Just like any other person,

I confused gender and... and sexuality.

But I quickly realized that, no,

I was always meant to be a girl

and I just happened to have the wrong equipment.

When puberty hit, I was a late bloomer.

I could see, like, a burgeoning Adam's apple

and I could see, you know, a bit of peach fuzz.

The reflection that's showing to me

doesn't look like the person that I have always seen myself as.

I was so lucky and so blessed

in the fact that I had support at home

and I started the process

just through my endocrinologist.

At 18, I had already fully transitioned.

Trans people... The "T" in the LGBT...

I think there's a sense

inherently within us, we want to blend in.

After transitioning, I just wanted to live

a normal life as just another girl in the crowd.

But I think after a while, I kind of felt as if I was hiding something.

And I was so blessed in my life.

I had parents who loved me and a family who loved me

and I had great teachers who believed in me.

And...

I don't think that I had all of those things

dropped into my life to live silently.

I overcame all of those things for a reason...

To tell kids that you are beautiful

and that nothing is unusual or strange about you

because you're gay or lesbian

or transgender or gender-queer...

However you wanna express yourself,

that nothing is wrong with you.

We've had many, many victories and celebrations

for our gay brothers and lesbian sisters.

But we can't ignore the fact

that transgender people are casualties in this fight.

The federal government does not protect us from discrimination

when we're trying to apply for a job or keep our job.

I see kids who are transitioning.

They're gonna grow up and be able to say, "I'm trans"

just the same way that their...

Their gay and lesbian counterparts can say,

"I'm gay, I'm lesbian."

I met a 14-year-old girl

who told me that she wanted to be a writer like me someday.

She didn't say she wanted to be as pretty as me.

I knew she was transgender, but she... that's not what she connected with.

She just connected with the writing.

She had such a strong sense of self...

"I wanna be a writer like you someday."

I grew up in San Antonio, Texas.

My family's military and Mormon.

We'd go to church every single Sunday.

One Sunday, they beamed in the president of the church, Spencer W. Kimball,

and his message was that homosexuality is sin.

I knew he was talking about me.

And so my first impression of my own sexuality,

my own love, was that it was a sin comparable to murder.

I was a closeted gay kid in the '80s. I knew my sexuality.

One day, I went to the video store,

I was 13, I saw a movie and I was, like, "I have to have this movie."

This movie was called "The 400 Blows."

And it was not what I was hoping it would be at all.

It was actually, you know,

François Truffaut's masterpiece.

It was a film about a real family that was troubled

and a kid and how he deals with it.

I had no idea that cinema could be reflective

of my own life.

It did change me and it made me feel less alone in the world.

And I thought, "Boy, I wanna do something like that."

The time between realizing I was gay and coming out,

it was about 15-16 years.

I was probably 20-21 years old

and I'd come home for Christmas,

which is when it often happens.

My mom is sitting on my bed, she... and we always did this...

We'd stay up and talk all night long.

And she starts railing against "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

And it wasn't because it wasn't inclusive enough,

it's because "How dare they allow gay people into the military?"

And she was really passionate about it.

I wasn't ready to come out, but I started to cry.

And she knew. She knew right then and there.

And it was a quick conversation.

I mean, my mom is paralyzed from polio.

She knows what it's like to be different

and to be judged for being different.

She showed up to the Academy Awards

wearing a white marriage-equality ribbon.

I have heard some filmmakers say

they don't wanna be labeled as a "gay filmmaker."

I am a gay filmmaker. I'm a gay guy.

I'm not ashamed of that. I'm pretty proud of that, in fact.

Being a gay filmmaker helps you see

other people and their differences

and to have empathy for

what their differences do to their character.

I'm not gonna run from that label.

I had campaigned for Obama in Nevada and in Virginia.

To see him get up there and to give that speech,

a speech where he said the word "gay and lesbian,"

we were a part of this new vision.

I went on a laptop and just started

refreshing the results coming in on Prop 8,

and it became increasingly clear

we weren't gonna make it.

And that in California, we were left out of the dream.

I just remember thinking,

"Boy, you know, what about that kid out there

in San Antonio, Texas right now

who tunes in and sees...

Sees the next day that gay and lesbian people

had had their rights stripped away in California?"

They're still second-class, they're still less-than.

And I know all too well the dire solutions

that may have flashed through that kid's head.

You know, those messages are dangerous.

I think that

that election result cost lives.

I do. So I was heartbroken.

I'm sorry.

Every day, we don't have full equality.

Every day, those messages are still being sent,

that gay and lesbian people are second-class in this country.

That more gay and lesbian kids are getting bullied.

My hope is that we win this fight much faster than...

Than many think we can.

I wanna be outta the business of civil rights fighting

as soon as possible.

I grew up in San Antonio.

Everybody lived in certain areas.

The Hispanics lived over here. The Anglos lived over here.

The African-Americans lived over here.

And so, in order for me to go to college,

somebody said, "You have to bus yourself across town

to go to those high schools over there."

It took me a while to realize why I was the only one

with dirty shoes when it rained.

The other neighborhoods had sidewalks

and paved streets

while our barrio did not.

That was the first realization

that we were different.

It would've been very difficult for me to accept my sexuality

if I hadn't made the connection with spirituality.

I read an article about something called MCC,

Metropolitan Community Church.

And I... and just like every other person

that ever tried to come in there...

You drove around the church for a couple of times,

trying to... trying to get brave enough to come in.

I think I teared through the whole service,

but as... at the end, they always served communion.

And right in front of me, as we were lining up,

was a gay couple with two little girls.

And I guess I must have said it out loud,

but I said, "My God, where have you been?"

And the woman right in front of me turned around and said,

"We've been here, waiting for you."

God made it possible for me to see that

in order for me to accept who I was.

In 2004, Dallas County was very Republican,

was very conservative.

And here you have

a female-Hispanic-lesbian- Democrat running for sheriff.

In the primaries, all but myself were men.

The rumor mill started going,

"You know, we might have a woman sheriff."

"Yeah, we might have a lesbian sheriff."

One of the state legislators gave me some very good advice.

She said, "Don't let that be the first thing that comes out about you.

Let them hear about your career

and your standards and who you are."

Dallas County was Republican, but in spite of that,

they were able to see past the party lines.

They were able to see past the sex lines.

This person appears to be the best candidate.

Right after I got elected, I got on a flight.

Somebody sat next to me who said,

"Are you Lupe Valdez?"

And I remember going, "No, here we go.

Why is this woman talking to me?

She's Anglo, she's well-to-do,

and she's probably Republican."

And then she says, "My son is gay."

And I went, "Okay."

And I said, "Tell me about your son."

He went to the high school where her husband coached.

He was not out and they were so scared

that he was gonna commit suicide

because he was so depressed.

"And how is your son now?"

She said, "He's wonderful.

He came out to us and he and his partner

live down the street from us.

They go to college and once a week, they come over and have a meal with us."

She says, "I have to take your picture.

My son will never believe that I sat next to you.

With your election, you validated my son."

You know, and I wanted to scream,

"Why can't we just get validated

for being human beings and being who we are?"

We need to... to make sure

that it's okay to be who we are.

Sports was my life.

I was the biggest Deion Sanders fan.

I mean, I had a shrine in my room,

I had life-sized posters,

I had about 50 Deion Sanders football cards.

I was obsessed with Deion Sanders.

I grew up very religious.

I went to church probably three to four times a week.

No one ever specifically ever told me

that being gay was wrong,

but I remember my family and friends

just having some very negative conversations.

I knew instantly that who I was

was never gonna be accepted,

whether it was in my family or whether it was on a football field

or whether it was with my friends.

My dream was to play in the NFL.

There was nothing that was gonna stop me.

The idea that I could be gay

and a sports player didn't match

because the image of a gay man was always effeminate.

I deemed myself as masculine. I was a man's man.

You know, I liked sports. I talked shit.

You know, and every man that...

That I knew that was perceived as gay,

they sang in the choir, they played with girls.

I didn't do any of those things, so I had a hard time trying to reconcile

who I was with who they were.

I was in the gym and this gentleman

is doing this stupid machine called the Gravitron.

He was everything I thought I wanted in a guy.

He was straight-acting, he was totally passable,

he liked sports.

We never had a discussion

that we were dating or in a relationship.

It was just one of those things where, one day,

we're sitting in the car and we... and our hands touched.

There was this budding relationship.

And then, when I had to go over to NFL Europe,

I had to figure out a way to talk every day.

I would literally have my teammates in the room,

but I would refer to him as if he was a girl.

I became the world's greatest liar.

I was in a city called Sitges.

And if anyone knows Sitges,

it is the second highest gay-populated place in the world,

and I had no clue of that.

So I remember we arrived there,

and I'm, like, "There are a lot of men here

in Speedos with their shirts off."

And I was thinking to myself, "God is punishing me."

I had never told anyone that I was gay

until I stopped playing football.

It's impossible to talk to your mother every single day

and have this secret that she doesn't know about.

And at that time, I had a partner of two years.

He was being sick of being called "Stephanie" too.

So I flew home and we went for a walk.

And I said, "Mom, I have something to tell you."

And she said, "What?" Like she had no clue.

I was like, "I'm gay."

And her first words were,

"You know that's an abomination, don't you?"

"I know that's what you think."

And her second thing she said was,

"You're already black.

I still love you and we'll work through this,

but I just need time."

I thought about telling... Lying to her,

saying, "I'm not gay." Like that was "just a phase."

Because I had been living with the pain and I seemed to be okay,

so I didn't want her to have to go through the same pain, too.

So I contemplated going back in the closet

for a very long time.

If a major league player came out,

it really changes the conversation

of what it means to be a masculine man.

If we wait till every athlete says,

"I'm fine with someone being gay," the world will end.

You know, so I think that we have to just push the boundaries now.

It is much easier to be a gay man

in the Republican Party than it is to be

a Republican in the LGBT community,

which tends to be predominantly

left-leaning politically. They will say, "How do you deal?

My God, it must be such a burden.

You must be... It must be such great pain

to be moving in conservative circles."

As a person of faith, I have more in common with fellow conservatives.

Growing up in a place like Tallahassee, Florida,

it was very much similar to earlier generations.

We had sock hops, bonfires,

white-tailed deer hunting,

we were Eagle Scouts.

Growing up, anybody that would be identified as gay

would be... would fall into a certain stereotype...

The man that did my mother's hair

at the salon, the florist.

As a Christian,

I spent a lot of time

praying that it would go away.

That said, I was very blessed

to have a godparent, my Uncle Larry.

My parents had to sit down and explain

Uncle Larry's roommate was actually his partner.

So I already had,

very early on,

a positive role model.

I do credit Uncle Larry to saving my life.

I realized my orientation is a gift from God

just as much as the orientation

of my heterosexual brother is his gift from God.

The Log Cabin Republicans,

we're the LGBT group of the Republican Party.

The federal suit filed by Log Cabin Republicans

that challenged the federal statute

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell,"

you know, banning gay and lesbians from serving in the military.

Yes, President Obama signed the bill,

but we put that bill on his desk.

When I actually took the job

to run Log Cabin Republicans,

one member from Texas asked me, you know, "When did you become a gay?"

We were having the conversation of "Is it a choice?

Is one's orientation a choice?"

And that's when I realized how...

How not only important our... Our institutional role was,

but that it was incumbent upon us

to educate lawmakers.

If people come out...

If family, friends, neighbors, and staff members come out,

they can't ignore these issues if they are constantly reminded

or surrounded by people that they respect and love

who happen to be L, G, B, or T.

Drag pushes my adrenaline button.

I love to go out in drag because you can make an entrance.

And you can go up to the cutest boy in the club

and grab him by the crotch...

Which I would never dream of doing

if I were not in drag...

So drag queens can get away with murder.

The first time I was in drag,

I was a snake charmer.

I've charmed a few snakes since then.

I was in love with "I Dream of Jeannie," Barbara Eden.

In the first-grade show,

my mom made me that outfit

and I wore cat-eye,

you know, '60s eye makeup.

Even though everyone knew that I was a sissy,

somehow, I got over.

I was attending Georgia State.

RuPaul and I were backup dancers

for a group called the "Now Explosion."

He got us a gig

and we headed up to New York.

The club was drag queen owned and operated.

These were drag queens out of the mainstream.

And you really felt like you were part of a scene

that was unique.

Drag queens fronting bands

like Tanya Ransom

or doing plays like Ethyl Eichelberger

or taking lip-synching and making it an art form

as Lypsinka did.

Wigstock was born one night when the Pyramid closed

and we were not ready to stop drinking.

We grabbed 40 ounces and went to Tompkins Square Park.

We just thought of an idea of, "How about parodying

Woodstock with a festival of wigs and rock?"

And I think the idea would have faded with the next day's hangover

had I not actually sought out the permits.

At its peak,

we were getting 30-45,000 people.

Not just the performers came in costumes.

There were amazing,

creative people in New York at that time.

One of the big breakthroughs in drag was RuPaul's success.

Because here, for the first time, you had a drag queen

who was saying,

"I am gorgeous and I am glamorous."

In "Some Like It Hot" or Milton Berle

or "Mrs. Doubtfire" or "Tootsie,"

there's always an excuse

for them to have to be hiding in drag.

They don't want to do drag.

I never understand

why feminists have a problem with drag queens.

There are some things that drag queens do,

like rub imaginary boobs

or portray, as I guess I do,

a tacky woman.

The thing is, I'm not trying to be a woman.

I'm using women's clothing...

In rather large sizes...

To express who I think I am.

That has nothing to do with a woman.

This is about me and how I want to dress.

Do gay kids value their predecessors?

No, I don't think that they do.

Don't you ever discount the drag queens.

I get so tired

of these conservative gays always saying,

"The leather men and the drag queens...

That doesn't represent our community."

We started your gay rights.

It was not the conservative gays that put on a pink T-shirt

or a rainbow flag one day a year

and then went back to their closeted office jobs.

It was the drag queens

and the street people

that were getting the harassment by the police

that said, ". Enough.

Here's a brick in your fucking face."

Everything changed in July 1981

with the announcement of what would be called AIDS.

I helped to start two major organizations...

Gay Men's Health Crisis and ACT UP.

On the one hand, so many of our friends were dying.

And on the other hand,

we slowly had a small army of people

who were working so very hard

to save the rest of us.

It was during that time that I realized,

number one,

how truly proud I am that I am a gay man,

and how truly wonderful

I think gay people are.

I found that with AIDS,

the "Times" wasn't writing about us, nobody was writing about us.

The mayor wasn't answering phone calls. It was awful.

People would rush up to me and say,

"Have you heard of anything? Is there anything coming along?

You know, I don't think I'm gonna be able to last much longer."

For many years, there wasn't anything. And you had to say to 'em somehow,

"Hold on, hold on," and give each other hugs.

And ACT UP made itself.

We began every meeting by announcing who had died

since the last meeting.

And, boy, if that wasn't enough to keep you going,

I don't... I don't know what.

The first meeting had 200, the next meeting had three.

We had a demonstration that following week on Wall Street.

Several thousand showed up and we were born.

It got more radical as it went on.

And we decided to have a protest at St. Patrick's.

We had all been trained in civil disobedience

and it was very carefully choreographed

what we were going to do.

Like all good actors,

these guys and gals really got into their parts.

They faced the altar

and yelled at 'em, "Stop murdering us."

Cardinal O'Connor was having a fit.

We were crucified ourselves the next day and on.

Every major network, every major newspaper

said the most awful things about ACT UP.

How terrible we were,

destroying people's right to worship.

And people were scared.

"What are we gonna do? They hate us."

And I said,

"No, they don't. They're afraid of us.

This is the best thing we have ever done.

We're no longer

just "limp-wristed fairies."

We're guys in jeans and Levi's and boots.

We're here,

we have voices, and we're gonna fight back."

It made us, that action at St. Patrick's.

Every treatment for HIV that is out there

is out there because of us.

Not from the government,

not from any politician,

not from any drug company.

We forced all of those things into being

by our anger and our fear.

And that's what anger can get you.

You do not get more with honey than with vinegar.

Anger is a wonderful emotion...

Very creative if you know how to do it.

I really truly felt that,

for some reason, I've been spared

to tell this story.

Everybody I know is dead.

All my friends. I shouldn't say "everyone," but almost.

I'm still here.

Okay, thank You, God.

I don't believe in You, but thank You anyway.

This is what I'm gonna do to pay back.

When I was young, I remember having a crush on a girl

who had a crush on my brother.

I just looked up at her and I said,

"You know, I wish I were a boy

because then you would want to be my girlfriend."

And she let go of my hand and she's like,

"No, no. You're a girl and you like boys

and that's it and don't ever say that again to anyone."

I felt like something was wrong with me

and that was the moment when I said,

"Okay, that's right, I like boys.

Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah, I like boys."

I was living as a straight woman.

I would say, you know, a good wife.

When the marriage ended for other reasons,

it was... it was very liberating.

Then something, like, went off, "Well, I tried that.

It didn't work out.

Let's get some pussy."

A lot of African-American culture is embedded with the church.

That's another reason why

it took me so long to...

To deal with, you know, my sexuality.

I go by what I read from the Bible.

And, as Jesus said,

"Above all these things, love thy neighbor as thyself."

It'd be really easy to love everyone

if they were all like you.

You make everybody different, and He's like,

"This is gonna be the hardest shit for y'all to do, is to love each other.

That's going to be the hardest thing."

He's probably just sitting, laughing, just going,

"I knew they was going to mess this up."

Instead of saying what not to do,

I try to live by what He says to do.

Love, yeah.

When I came out, it wasn't planned at all.

It was a national day of protest against the passage of Prop 8.

I said, "Okay, where's the rally?

We're going to go to the rally." And I did.

And in my speech I said, "Hey, you know, I, you know, I got married and...

This, I'm pissed."

I get to the hotel and, you know, turn the TV,

and on CNN's scroll,

it's, you know, "Comedian Wanda Sykes,

'I'm proud to be gay, '" and I was like,

"This is a big fucking deal."

I'm a black woman, a celebrity,

and I'm out.

It was a big deal.

No regrets.

I grew up watching a lot of comedy.

Our whole family would just sit there watching TV and laugh.

One who really stayed with me was Jackie "Moms" Mabley.

She was the first black woman

that I saw doing stand-up.

My comedy, it has to come from a real place,

so it would be hard for me not to talk about my sexuality.

In a lot of them, I talk about my wife and my kids.

What's funny is that I would get offstage and someone would say,

"You know, I really thought you were hilarious and all,

but you didn't really make a statement for, like, gay rights."

I'm like, "Jackass, I just did a whole fucking hour

about my wife and kids.

You can't get any gayer than that. What the fuck?"

You know, what...? My life says it.

My life is a speech for equality

and a speech for... hey, we all going through the same problems.

Different sex, but same shit, same problems.

I started working in New York City as a housing organizer

and I met now State Senator Tom Duane.

He asked me to run his 1991 campaign

to be the first openly gay city council member

and first openly HIV-positive elected official in the country.

So I took that job.

And Tom would go around introducing me to everybody

as his "straight campaign manager"

and he thought it was the funniest thing

that he had this straight campaign manager for this big, gay campaign.

The months running that campaign

is when it became clear to me that this idea

that I could be professionally successful, I could have friends,

I could be happy, but I didn't need a romantic life

and would never have one was gonna be an untenable way to live.

And I said, "I really need to talk to you about something important."

And he said, "My God, you're gonna quit."

And I said, "No."

And he said, "What are you, a lesbian?

We don't really have time for that. That's fine. Let's go."

I don't really know why the Republicans are using

such hideous and mean anti-gay rhetoric.

The idea that you have to lift yourself up

by pulling other people down...

It's just not nice. And I don't understand

why you would wanna be on the international stage

and behave in a way that your mother would have told you isn't nice.

Your mother told you not to pick on people.

We can pretend words don't matter, but words do matter.

Marriage is a word

that is universally recognized.

Everybody knows the literal definition of it

and the societal definition of it.

And if you say, "I can't get married,"

everybody knows what that means, too.

It means the law is not with and for and about you.

To say all these other families can have that,

but you have to have this other thing that we had to create,

that nobody heard of until we came up with it

and isn't as good as the real thing

that's been around since they made dirt,

you're left out.

Marriage passed in New York State after it failed.

In 2009, there was a vote and we lost.

And we lost bad.

What was great about 2011

is we won with diverse support.

We had a letter from business leaders,

from Lloyd Blankfein, the head of Goldman Sachs.

I don't think he was ever a Queer Nation member, you know what I'm saying?

He signed a letter with other huge business leaders

asking the state senate to do this.

Two days after marriage passed was the Pride Parade.

I got to march with Governor Cuomo, and it was...

You really weren't marching. You were kinda, like, floating down.

I don't know that I've ever seen such unadulterated joy.

If you had asked people 10 years ago,

"Would in 2011

New York State pass marriage equality?"

If you told them Massachusetts, Connecticut,

all these other states had it, they would tell you you were nuts.

We have succeeded

beyond anything we could have dreamt of.

You're not allowed, really,

to have that much success and to squander it.

You have to harness it and use it.

Part of me does feel happier that gay culture

is kind of normalizing, and then the other side,

it makes me sad a little bit, too. I mean, I'm not gonna lie.

There's something I love so much about...

About being a homo.

And I feel like anybody that's gonna be wagging their finger at us,

it's, like, you know, "Fuck, who cares? Fuck off."

In high school, I would go see this band called The Cramps.

The singer's name was Lux Interior.

And he would come out in a black rubber smock

and, like, lady slacks

and pumps... not too high,

and totally just freak the fuck out.

Blow jobbing the microphone and...

You know, I don't know if he was ever gay or not,

but he was, like, the queerest thing I had ever seen.

That energy was what I wanted to give onstage.

The first few years, all the media,

they were always calling us a gay band.

It used to really dishearten me.

Growing up, there'd be, like, "The Christian Cyndi Lauper."

Or, you know, "The Christian George Michael."

Always being called a gay band

was that... it was, like, the gay version of something real.

I don't feel that way anymore.

The last couple years, I started really writing music

about being gay.

My take on gay life in the past and the present.

People like Freddie Mercury.

Elton John in those early years.

George Michael. They were still having to hold in

the person that they really were.

I just think that would be so miserable.

I can't imagine going out onstage and, you know,

shaking around and doing my high kicks,

you know, and giving some...

I don't know how I could do it and, at the same time,

not talk about my sexuality.

The year that I came out,

there were these phone lines that you would call

and there were these chat rooms.

Every once in a while, we'd have little parties where we would all get up

and get together and meet each other

and you'd see these people that you were talking to on the phone

and it was really a freak show.

Talk about outsiders.

I mean, these were proper outsiders.

But it kinda felt like a family.

I met this woman on this chat line

and we talked a lot on the phone and we started becoming friends.

She was really obese and she had a problem getting around.

She had a problem being in public. People would make fun of her.

And so we made this pact that...

That if I ever made any money,

I would... we would get her gastrointestinal bypass surgery.

So we started making music

and I wrote this song for her called "Mary."

Her name was Mary.

We got the surgery for her and it ended up killing her.

She was probably the most...

important person in my life as far as a friend.

Being on the outside gives you an incredible perspective

and changes you as a person

and makes you have different ideas about what you see.

I wouldn't give that up for the world.

Around six or seven, my parents told me about heaven and hell.

And in that same breath, they said,

"You're not allowed to have a boyfriend.

And when the time comes, we'll pick the man for you.

We'll, you know, we'll introduce you to him."

And my parents did their best

to sort of straddle both cultures, like, being Afghan.

In the summers, going to mosque and learning to read the Quran

and we only spoke Farsi or Dari at home.

And then, also, doing things like ballet and soccer

and, you know, like, block parties and those sort of things.

Being queer or being gay or lesbian

was never an option in our family.

But I do remember seeing men and women

at family functions dancing together.

You know, men danced with men, women danced with women.

I wondered if I could get away with being queer

under the guise of "We're just a very homosocial culture.

I should have girlfriends."

I think I was, like, 14 when I came out to myself.

"I'm queer. I'm gay."

That's sort of the way

that I think straight people just know they're straight.

It was, like, "" That's what I acknowledged.

I think it's important for us to reclaim words.

"Queer" is one of those words that's traditionally been used

in a really negative and derogatory way.

It pushes me to think outside of the binary.

There aren't just female and male.

There is so much more diversity

in each being.

I went away to college in 2000.

And I never said to my parents,

"I'm not coming back."

It's not a reality in my family,

it's not a reality in my culture

for a woman to not live at home.

Like, you leave home

when you go to the next man's home, which is your husband.

But in the end, I had to be really honest

about all the things I wasn't telling them about.

I wasn't telling them about my relationship,

I wasn't really explicit about my sexual orientation.

And so I wrote them this, like, long, nine-page letter.

I went home to visit my parents one weekend.

My dad said, like, "Come with me to the supermarket.

We should... Help me buy groceries."

And so he did that thing where you turn off the radio.

And he's, like, "I got your letter.

I haven't shown it to your mom and I'm not going to.

We're gonna figure this out together.

You're already a double minority.

You're a woman in this country.

You're an Afghan, you come from refugee parents.

You don't have to prove anything.

Don't live this life of struggle.

But if you wanna come out about it,

just know I will not be buried in Afghanistan."

To think about jeopardizing

his integrity, his dignity, and his honor

is a frightening and a very shameful,

upsetting place to be.

But I also know where my resilience comes from

is from that same man and from that same woman.

I'm out to all my students.

Having out and visible LGBT teachers,

it offers a young person

this idea of, "I can make it.

If you did it, I can do it, too."

That will do so much for a young person.

And that does so much for what that young person can offer our world.

And I don't want to be on television just to talk to the Kardashians.

They're lovely people, but, I mean,

I'd like to actually make a difference while I'm here, too.

I have a forum where I can say things that are important.

My hope for the future is...

I hope those low-rise jeans go outta style.

Someone's gotta put an end to that.

'Cause when you bend over, your ass is hanging out

and that's not right.

When I was doing stand-up,

I was traveling around in a lot of small towns,

in a lot of cities where I wouldn't have been accepted at all

as a gay comedian.

As my career progressed and I was on television,

then, certainly, I couldn't come out

because you have all these people around you

that help you stay closeted.

They're making money off of you

and as long as, you know, they know,

"I'm not really closeted, I'm out.

I'm just not out to the world and it's nobody's business,"

and you can justify that all you want,

but the reality is

you're still a slave to it.

You're still... it's a heaviness that you live with inside.

There's a fear that someone's not gonna like you

because of this thing.

When I realized that I couldn't keep that secret anymore,

I decided I would come out

and my character would come out on the show.

I was celebrated for a short time.

It was a big deal.

And then it was a horrible deal.

I lost my show and I lost my career and I lost a lot,

but I was able to be completely free.

It's just amazing to me

that kids grow up around other gay kids now

because I always felt like I was different.

I just didn't know that I was different in the way that I was gay.

I was a girl who didn't really like to wear dresses.

I'm very much a family person.

I like the idea of a home and a partner.

Growing up, I never thought that I would ever meet somebody.

On my wedding day, I was feeling happier

than I've ever been in my entire life.

I'm marrying someone, I'm getting married.

I'm not civil-unioning anybody.

We have this amazing connection

that I never thought I'd find with anybody.

The more that we have people that speak up,

the more that we have people

that are seen in positions of power,

the more that these people who just are ignorant to the fact,

they're gonna go, "I know someone who's gay."

We just need to be a little more visible.

We need everybody. We need athletes and we need artistic people.

We need quiet people, we need shy people,

we need weird people.

Some people get picked on 'cause they're too good-looking.

I know that.

I want it to be a gentler world.

It's harsh and it's hard and it's cruel sometimes.

And it's...

I want it to be a better world.

I grew up on the South Side of Chicago,

inner city, the hood.

I had a speech impediment.

I couldn't pronounce my Rs, esses, or Ts.

I knew I was stupid.

I knew I would never be anything.

The entire class knew that,

so I never, ever really tried.

I was a waitress for seven years

making $400 a month.

So I go to interview for a job...

This was 1980

and affirmative action was in full bloom.

They didn't have any women stockbrokers at the time.

Now, I'm not somebody who wears dresses or skirts.

I don't feel comfortable in it.

So I get dressed in my red-and-white Sassoon pants

tucked into my white cowboy boots

with this blue silk shirt... are y'all getting the picture...

And go into Merrill Lynch.

And nobody knows what to do with me.

And before I know it, I'm in the manager's office.

Here I am now,

a stockbroker at Merrill Lynch.

And I'm sitting in a sales meeting,

it's all these male brokers and me.

And the manager is up there,

he says, "Men, I want you to listen to me.

The first time

you ever sell a private, limited partnership,

it will be better than the first time that you..."

I looked at him and I said, "Were you going to say,

'the first time you a woman'?"

And he said, "Yeah."

And I go, "I get that. I get that."

By not judging them,

they didn't judge me.

I have been able to acquire

a serious sum of money.

But here is what's going to happen...

Upon my death, any money that I leave to KT,

the love of my life,

that is then above the estate tax limit,

she's going to lose, essentially,

half of all the money

that I'm leaving to her

and I'm gonna lose whatever she leaves to me.

If we could be legally married on a federal level,

any money a spouse leaves to another spouse,

it could be $10 billion,

they can leave it to each other estate tax-free.

That's how it works for heterosexuals.

And it's not just about estate tax.

I'm in Chicago, I'm giving a talk for 5,000 women,

and I'm not feeling good.

When we're going to the hospital, KT's saying,

"Who am I gonna tell them I am?

I know, I'll tell them I'm your sister."

"No, KT. You're gonna tell them you're my spouse."

And she says, "No, Suze. I'm afraid.

I'm afraid if I tell them that, they won't let me in."

Really? We have to lie

to be by the sides of the ones that we love?

At the time that KT has seen me suffer,

that she should feel

like she can't just be there as who she is

and she has to pretend that she's somebody she's not?

It's just so wrong.

We spent many years in South Africa,

a country that's gone through apartheid,

that's oppressed more people maybe than anybody...

Gay marriage is legal.

In fact, it's so legal

that there's really no difference at all

between gay marriage, straight marriage, any of it.

Where is it honored?

Everywhere in the world, Suze...

except the United States of America.

And I'm, like, "Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?"

So KT and I were married

legally in South Africa.

I hold up that marriage certificate every once in a while

and I look at it and I think to myself,

"Maybe, just maybe, one day,

we're gonna be able to get married

on a federal level again."

'Cause what a heartbreak...

South Africa recognizes me,

but the United States of America doesn't.

What does that say?

There was always a feminine side to me.

I was pulled into someone's office

at my church and someone said to me

that if I didn't change how I was

that I would be asked to leave.

God loves all, but you are telling me

that because I'm this way, I can't be here?

And that didn't click in my mind. It still doesn't make sense to me.

I've been a part of the mainstream ballroom scene since 2004.

I was 14.

The ballroom scene, it started around 1880.

It later evolved around 1960-something...

Where the Harlem drag ball circuit arose.

"Paris Is Burning" was definitely an epic film for our community.

People started to understand what is a ball,

what are the categories, what happens there, what is a house?

A house is called a house because it takes on the structure of a family,

but with no respect to gender.

I have a butch queen mother,

a femme queen mother, and a butch queen father.

If you've been rejected by your biological family, right,

or you've been kicked out or shunned, whatever the case may be,

and you have this surrogate family.

Ballroom is a competition,

but a house is more than just a competition.

That house is a real family.

Gender and sexual orientation

is very fluid within the ballroom scene.

A "butch queen" would be a gay male.

That's our way, in the ballroom scene,

of saying a gay male, a butch queen, so I am a butch queen.

But someone who is a post-op trans woman

has a vagina, so she considers herself a woman

who is attracted to a man, which technically is "heterosexual."

So it really is how you choose

to identify yourself.

My parents split when I was in the 7th grade and so, from that point on,

I was raised in a single-family home.

I had to work, I had to be in school.

My mother did an amazing job raising me,

but being that other half to raise myself,

it's provided me the experience

that I'm able to do that for other people.

When I moved to New York in 2007,

I thought it was to escape from Virginia.

To go into the fashion industry and go to F.I.T.

and work Fashion Week and do this stuff.

And in actuality, my purpose was to move up here to do what I'm doing now,

to help the people who don't have anybody else to turn to.

As a community health specialist,

I do HIV testing, connection to treatment and care,

which means I myself go with them to their first doctor's appointment.

I myself go with them to make sure they get insurance.

I'm my mother's only child.

I've had a honest conversation with her

saying that, you know,

either you accept me for all of who I am or you get none of me.

And my mother took all of me.

I'm 30... Twiggy Pucci Garçon...

Is the same person, just with more life experiences.

And I'll still be helping people.

That's never gonna change.

There are a lot of people who really don't believe people

when they say they're bisexual.

So I try and avoid the bisexual label

because it just brings so much grief down on ya.

People think you're faking, you're wishy-washy.

Or people think you're a sex addict or something

who doesn't want to make up their mind.

I wanna be a political fighter and I wanna be in there fighting,

so I call myself gay.

And certainly,

I'm, like, delighted to be in the gay club.

People all the time talk about, you know, "When I came out."

Well, I don't feel like I came out.

I feel like I fell in love with someone and that person was a woman

and I don't wanna minimize that in any way.

What I'm attracted to about Christine

is her butchness and her gayness.

But I don't feel like, all of a sudden,

there was a part of me that had been, you know,

denied or living in the shadows, that finally could "come out."

Gay people are fighting really, really hard

for our civil rights.

What's important is the world looks at all of us

and sees us as gay.

And so we need to be cohesive

and we need to fight as one community.

Marriage equality is so much the right issue for me to kinda pin my hat on

because after years of being in love with a man

and everybody badgering us to get married,

all of a sudden, I was in love with a woman

that I actually wanted to marry and I wasn't allowed to.

In a society where there are two different sets of rules

for different kinds of people,

you're immediately sending a message

that those people that don't have those rights,

they're somehow lesser and they're not really full citizens

and they're not maybe even really human.

You're sending a message to the worst elements in society...

"If you wanna, you know, find someone to pick on,

this is a good... This is a good group

because the government's not gonna protect them."

Being out, how will that affect you being cast in things?

It's very difficult to gauge.

You don't really know about the parts you didn't get cast in.

I was offered three roles in a row,

just now, that were all lesbian roles.

My daughter, who's 16, was saying to me,

"How do you feel about that?

Do you feel like, all of a sudden,

you're now being typecast?"

My daughter is Jewish and she's being raised Jewish.

And I was, like, you know, it's very similar.

It's, like, as a Jewish performer, you can complain,

"Why do I always get the Jewish roles?"

We gotta embrace those roles and we gotta play those roles.

Now that we're married, there is a way that people see us

and treat us that is different.

Somehow, once we were married,

they understood us as a family

in a way that they hadn't before.

I am not a particularly religious person,

but I am somewhat religious.

The left, in general, have made a terrible mistake

ceding religiosity to the right.

Bishop Gene Robinson,

who performed Christine's and my wedding ceremony said,

"When America was founded and we said, 'we, '

we had a very particular bunch of people we were talking about...

White, male property holders."

And gradually, the 'we' became larger and larger.

So then, it was white men and black men,

who had been freed by that point.

And then, gradually, it was opened up to include women.

Gay people are kind of the...

Almost the final frontier.

This is what the gay rights movement is about,

saying that "I, as a gay person, am part of 'we.'

It can't be 'us and them' anymore.

We have to understand we're all 'us.'"