Original subtitles

[happy music]

Thank you.

How are you? Are you good?

I'm so looking forward to tonight.

Let's just get this fucking show out of the way and then...

Thank you so much for coming, ladies and gentlemen.

You know, I have no idea... Most of you've probably never seen me.

So I have no idea what your expectations are of this evening, but

whatever they are, they're too fucking low.

That's right. Because this is going to be very special, ladies and gentlemen.

You see, ladies and gentlemen, I believe

that were are living in confusing times.

People are confused. You, you are confused.

Me, not so much. But you...

People are morally confused. They don't know what's wrong or right

what's good and what's bad, what's a lie, what the truth

how tells a lie and who tells the truth and does it even matter, you know?

One guy says: "Look, over there, it's a fascist."

And some other guy says: "No, those are the victims."

"No, those are the fascists and those are the victims."

"No, those are the victims and those are the fascists."

[deliberate inaudible speech]

You see the confusion?

So ladies and gentlemen, I believe

that the times that we live in are in desperate need of

actors and comedians getting politically involved.

That's what we need. We need more narcissism.

We need people obsessed with their own feelings.

Talking rubbish. And I'm not gonna name names.

No, no, I won't do that.

I never talk bad about comics. I never do that.

In that way, I am very different than my mother.

My mother once said: "There can never be enough blood in Russell Brand's faeces."

I mean, come on.

Now why would you say a thing like that?

It's horrible, it's hateful and it's not funny.

It's offensive.

But you know, that's my mother, you know.

She has no morals, no values, no ethics, whatsoever.

No decency. Just says everything that pops up in her head.

Fucking whore.

But, ladies and gentlemen

obviously I am not here to talk about my mother.

I am here to talk to you about moral leadership.

Because that's what I want to bring to this country, moral leadership.

And by God, you need it.

You poor Brits. You poor Brits, all alone now.

Everything is changing so fast and now this horrible Trump.

But I'm here now, so relax.

Good.

Now, you may very well ask: [posh accent] "Oh, Dutchman."

I'm working on this.

"Tell me Dutchman, what the hell makes you so uniquely equipped

for the role of moral leader?"

Fair question.

So let me explain a little bit about myself. Who am I?

I'm just a happy go lucky guy.

I like to see the sun come up in the morning and go down in the evening

and I like to stroke a woman's pussy.

Like this.

Yes. But

with my special ingredient. Consent.

You can't just grab a pussy.

I mean, not yet. It has to go through Congress first.

-[audience]: Ask your president! -Yes, yes, yes.

So I go like this and then I stop.

And then there's this panic. "Oh my God, is it over, is it over?"

No.

Now...

Why do I do this?

I do this because I have an almost

maniacal obsession with the well-being of other people.

I don't care about me. What the hell is me? Me, me, me, me, me.

Selfie. Me, me, me, me, me.

Me is this body. And this body was the gift.

Giving is living. And living is giving.

I want to provide love, joy and pleasure for these bitches.

Even women and girls who prefer women and girls.

Even for them I would like to provide pleasure.

I'll just change. I'll just transform with my voice

into the woman of their dreams.

The girl that will make all their erotic fantasies come true.

So close your eyes, Ellen.

Close your eyes.

And listen to me transform.

[loud male voice]: And here we go. I'm a girl.

I'm a girl.

Yeah, that's me.

Always giving. But, ladies and gentlemen

in order to give so much

I have to sometimes think about me. I mean

sometimes I have to reload my batteries and relax and just enjoy myself.

The thing that enjoys me above all other things

is unprotected intravaginal ejaculations.

I love them. Because I'm such a huge vagina fan.

I'm such a... You know what I like about the vagina?

The way it harbours my dick.

It's so soothing to just get rid of your dick every now and then.

Just park it there and not worry about a thing.

In a way, the vagina is like day care for your cock, you know.

Just park it there and have some time for yourself to think.

Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.

Having these unprotected, intravaginal ejaculations at a regular basis

of course, comes with a price. So now I have a

what's that... A kid, a kid. I have a kid.

Yeah, it wasn't my idea. Believe me.

But she's here now. It's a daughter.

Yeah, she's here now. And she is a nice-looking kid.

And with nice-looking of course I mean cute, not hot.

I know this is England and you're used to that, but in the Netherlands, we say no.

No, no, no, no.

The only good thing about these famous English paedophiles

is that they really look the part, don't they?

They look exactly like paedophiles.

Didn't stop them, but still good to know.

But you know, she's three years old now.

And you know, she's absolutely my daughter.

But I have to be honest.

She's three years old now, so bits of her personality begin to shine through.

And I have to be honest, she's absolutely my daughter

but as a fellow human being, she's not my type.

She's not my type.

I can't help it. She's too, I don't know. Too conservative, too right-winged.

Too right-winged. Even for my taste.

I guess she takes after my mother. So fuck them both, that's what I say.

Yes, but ummm...

But, ladies and gentlemen, hey. Lost my train of thought there, but I'm back.

Ladies and gentlemen, even if my daughter would turn out to be

the most perfect creature ever to set foot on this earth

remember that would still not mean

she could take away even the tiniest bit of love

attention and devotion that I have for you, ladies and gentlemen.

My audience. You will always come in first place.

And I'll tell you what that is. That is the sign of a true artist.

Yes, a true artist neglects his family.

That's how we spot them. Brilliant career, beautiful body of work

and at the same time a trail of damaged women, children committing suicide.

That's the price of real entertainment.

I would do anything for you people to keep you entertained.

Just please be entertained. Please, please.

Please, please. Just laugh, goddammit, laugh.

I'll do anything. I'll shove these two fingers up my ass.

Just to keep you entertained. You don't believe me?

Here we go.

[crying]

Oh God. Oh, there he goes. You see him run away?

With his trousers on his ankles and blood dripping from his arse?

You see who it is? It's the atmosphere.

But he's back. He's back.

I just want to take a few pictures to show the people back home how well it all went.

So, you sir. Could you just try and look entertained?

Look as though you're completely fascinated by what I'm doing.

And put on a look that says: "Wow

I thought we British people had a monopoly on humour.

But this Dutchman gives new meaning to the word funny."

Thank you Hans Teeuwen for enriching my life.

And I'd like to apologize to you, Hans Teeuwen.

Because I've always been friendly to the Dutch

but I never took them seriously.

Sorry for my neo-colonial arrogance towards everything that's not British.

Click, thank you very much.

Could you just put on a look that says: "Get this fucking camera out of my face?"

Get the fuck away from me. What are you doing?

You're closer to me now than my father has ever been.

What was I thinking paying money to see a fucking Dutchman?

Who the hell gives a fuck what the Dutch think? Thank you very much.

Now, one group picture. Just altogether.

Just sing after me.

last night I dreamt of Hans Teeuwen

Yes? One, two, three.

[audience] last night I dreamt of Hans Teeuwen

Click, thank you very much.

Well, that all went very well, I think.

So I guess this is a good as time as ever to talk about skin colour.

I mean, after all it is what I judge people by.

And my story begins in Delhi, India.

I've been travelling India for quite a while.

'Cause I've always been interested in things like food poisoning.

And I was wondering around Delhi airport

when I saw this man.

And this man, ladies and gentlemen

he completely blew me away.

I was completely flabbergasted, taken aback

by his charisma.

And the power of this man's charisma

was largely due to his skin colour.

The man had the most marvellous skin colour I'd ever seen in my entire life.

Exactly the kind of skin colour that I like.

Like brown yellowish, yellowish brown.

hey brown yellowish people, you got the best skin colour in the whole wide world

hey brown yellowish people, you got the best skin colour in the whole wide world

skin colour, skin colour, baby

skin colour, skin colour, baby

hey, brown yellowish people

And I was watching him.

Observing him.

And after a while, I could see how he made his money.

He would seduce rich, white women

and then fuck them in the toilet for money.

And the whole thing was so pure.

And I was looking at him and admiring him

and just enjoying his marvellous skin colour.

And then I was looking at my own skin colour and thought

well, I guess I've always been

content or proud. Proud?

Is that okay? Is it okay to be proud of the colour of your skin?

Is it okay to be proud of the colour of your skin?

Is it okay to be proud of the colour of your skin?

Is it okay to be proud of the colour of your skin?

is it okay to be proud of the colour of your skin

is it okay to be proud of the colour of your skin

is it okay to be proud of the colour of your skin

is it okay to be proud of the colour of your skin

[funny accent] Is it okay to be proud of the colour of your skin?

[funny accent] Is it okay to be proud of the colour of your skin?

Is it okay to be proud of the colour of your skin!

Is it okay to be proud of the colour of your skin!

[funny accent] Is it okay to be proud of the colour of your skin?

Anyway...

I finally found the courage to talk to him.

And I asked his name and he said:

"They call me Punjab wonder boy."

Punjab wonder boy.

Punjab wonder boy, Punjab wonder boy

Punjab wonder boy, Punjab wonder boy

Punjab wonder boy, Punjab wonder boy

And we talked. And we talked and we talked for hours.

And he told me his whole life story. Can't remember a fucking thing.

The only thing I do remember is his skin colour.

His marvellous skin colour.

Now, five years later

again I had some business in Delhi.

There was a comedy congress about word play, just had to show my face.

And I saw him again, there he was.

Wandering the airport. Punjab.

But something about him had changed.

It was as though... Because he was wearing a suit.

He had worked his way up to be the head of the control tower of the airport.

Wow. So I visited him in the control tower

and I was looking at him. But it was as though

all this responsibility and the stress that comes with that

had taken away the glance and the beauty of his skin colour.

And before I knew it, I said:

"Punjab, what the fuck happened to your skin colour?"

Well, then they asked me

you know, to leave the control room.

This affected me tremendously.

This made me so sad, you know.

The mortality of beauty, the virility of skin colour

everything in this world just fades, everything just dies

nothing is forever, not even a beautiful skin colour.

When I was flying in the plane back home

I was overcome with a God awful feeling of melancholy.

And I had to get rid of it. I had to get rid of it.

So I asked the stewardess for a pen and a piece of paper.

And I started writing a French chanson.

je suis fatigue de ma vie et je vais hotel l'amour

hotel l'amour, hotel l'amour

et le rock and roll, et la drugs, et la femmes, hotel l'amour, hotel...

What the fuck am I doing?

I hate French chansons, I hate France and I hate the French.

Fuck them.

[cheering]

Fucking French.

Oui monsieur, Oui madame, bonjour.

Look, I've got a long bread. I've got a long bread.

Who the hell gives a fuck about your bread?

Haven't you noticed?

You're talking to a Frenchman and you're being very polite, very nice

and all of sudden he goes like this.

[mumbles indistinctively, mimics French accent]

What the fuck was that?

Get the fuck out of here.

In Amsterdam, we have these French tourists.

[imitates French accent]

Je suis visité le musée et le jardin.

Visité le coffeeshop. Weh, weh, weh.

Ces't cool, ça. Selfie, moi, moi, moi, moi.

Aussi le Nachtwacht à le musée. Moi, moi, moi, moi.

Et après, je vais le Red District.

Vous connais le Red District?

Weh. Avec les putes.

Les putes.

We say la prostituee. Les putes.

Je vais baiser avec un pute. Un pute.

Pute.

Ici, alors. Pute.

Pute. Oui, oui. Une selfie, avec moi, moi, moi.

Une pute, une pute, une pute.

This happens to me a lot.

But in the sense that I... I start a routine

and then halfway through I lose interest and then I just abandon it.

Why, you know?

It's like, when I was younger

my perspective on life would get wider and wider.

I would live like this. But nowadays I live like this.

I start like this and then... pfft.

And then I get stuck inside myself immediately.

What the fuck?

You know?

And it's a pity, because in my house

I have at least a hundred songs, beautiful written songs.

That I never finished. And they're just lying there.

Like little orphans.

I have this beautiful song in which I try to describe to young people

that you shouldn't look upon women just solely as objects of lust.

No, be interested in what they have to say. It goes like this.

not just a body, I wanna know what's going on in your mind

not just a body

That's as far as I got.

I also have this wonderful song called 'Acapulco'.

shalalalala, gypsy blood

gypsy blood, gypsy blood

shalalalala, gypsy blood, gypsy blood in Acapulco

shalalalala, shalalalala, shalalalala

I'm not a man who minces words

Nah.

I've also written a song in which I try

to celebrate the idea of euthanasia.

I wanna die well, die well, die well with some dignity

I wanna die well, die well just before I slip into eternity

oh yeah I wanna die well, die well, die well

never come back no more

except maybe to haunt the shit out of you, little whore

I wanna die well, die well

It's such a powerful verse, it doesn't allow for anything else.

I've also written a very beautiful German song.

And this song describes the feeling that we sometimes get

that everything in this world is connected.

We are all one.

Ich weder jetzt für du singen.

Also, bitte, ja.

Also, ich muss mir konzentrieren.

Stil zijn.

und das ist schön, schön, schön

schön wie das alles in einander past

schön, schön, schön

schön wie das alles in einander past

Ja?

Well, what about my super, super, number one hit of all time?

'Anal Sex Woman'.

you've taken your place in my heart

anal sex woman

you're tearing me apart and you leave me nothing, nothing at all

you've taken your place in my heart anal sex woman

you're tearing me apart, can't you see, little girl

anal sex woman, anal sex woman

anal sex woman

And then slowly but surely the song descends into an abyss of nothingness.

Fortunately, every now and then I do finish a song, like this one.

when I told my daddy, when I told him that I was gay

he bowed his head in shame and then he looked the other way

when my momma was crying pulling her hair

fell down to her knees and said a prayer

o Lord, why'd you make my son a queer

he should be out there with his buddies chasing girls and drinking beer

o Lord, why'd you make my son a fagg

now I'm never gonna be a grandma, it's a drag

then my daddy said, son I used to have a good friend called Billy Rae

the two of us went hunting and we stayed out all day

and every now and then I felt the urge to grab him by his ass

but I always supressed it and hoped it would pass

yodelahihi, yodelahihi

yodelahihi, yodela

then my momma said, son I used to have a fat girlfriend named Kate

I used to take her out Friday nights 'cause she never could get a date

one night we were drinking and we ended up in bed

I was kissing her vagina but afterwards I felt sad

yodelahihi, yodelahihi

yodelahihi, yodela

then everyone got quiet no one said a word

we were all pretty shaken up by everything we heard

and then I had to say, mom and dad, I ain't really gay

take a look at the calendar it's April Fool's Day

yodelahihi Thank you very much.

Oh yes, music. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful music.

I love music. You know what I love most about music?

Just the sound of it.

I really love it.

I love music. One of the few things I have in common with Joseph Goebbels.

And I've always been in a band, you know.

As far back as I can remember, I was always in a band.

And one of the best band I was in, we were called BABY TERRENCE and the Sex Organs.

And we used to play at bar mitzva's.

We were a regular bar mitzva band.

None of us were Jewish, but that wasn't a problem.

Because none of us were distracted by the religious aspect of the ceremony

and we could concentrate on the job at hand, making music for the people.

I've met wonderful people over the years.

Judith, Sarah, Joël, Jerry, you know, the whole bunch.

And at a certain point they asked us

if we would be interested at making music at a circumcision.

So we tried it once, never again.

The noise these children make, the fucking noise.

Because these Jewish kids are not gonna hand over their foreskin without a fight.

An anti-Semite would say it's because kids won't give anything away for free.

But that's not...

No, no.

That's not it.

No, no. I'll tell you the real reason.

The real reason is that these kids

instinctively know

that the foreskin is not just a useless piece of skin.

It serves a purpose. You know what it does?

It rubs so gently

against the edges of this German World War II helmet over here.

Isn't it ironic that of all the people

the Jews want to have this helmet more out in the open?

Hey, look at me.

So...

What do you do when you're circumcised? Right, okay.

When you're circumcised, you take some hand cream

and then you go... [makes slurping noises]

Now, there are people who claim

and I don't know, I don't know.

That this whole circumcision business

is kept alive by the hand lotion lobby.

I don't know.

To be fair, there's also quite a lot of people who claim

that this is complete fabricated nonsense, so I don't know.

I guess the truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

Catholics don't do circumcisions.

Which I think is a good thing, because you know

Catholic priests and little boy's penises...

[laughing]

Even though there are big leaders, this hippie fuck...

Jesus. He was circumcised.

Because he was Jewish. But when Jesus was circumcised

there was no blood. Just some red wine dripping from his little pecker.

And after three days, his foreskin arose and started a B&B in Bethlehem.

True story.

Ladies and gentlemen

as much as I love guns

I never use them while hunting, because I think it's very unfair.

That's no sport, especially when the animal is smaller than you.

Where's the sport in that? I mean, from a distance... [sound of shot]

I mean, come on.

So I do like to hunt, but when I hunt, I only use these bare hands.

Yeah.

When I was younger, me and my mates would go out late at night

to hunt for donkeys.

Yeah, donkey hunting.

Now, the thing about donkey hunting...

It's not so much about the killing, that's just a small aspect of the whole thing.

It's more about strategy, you know.

About trying to outsmart the donkey.

You strategically manoeuvre the donkey into a corner

of the stable.

And then you wait for the right moment and grab the donkey by the neck like this.

And hold it firm. Now, the keyword here is patience.

Because, you see, a donkey's neck is quite firm.

So you'll never stop the donkey completely from breathing

but you will make it very difficult and that, in the long run, will have effect.

But it's a real struggle, it's a real struggle.

And sometimes the donkey wins and you go home, very disenchanted

but hey, that's the sport.

I guess what I am trying to say is, people

we don't need guns to kill animals or people, for that matter.

You can kill people without guns. Say, for instance.

This is all hypothetical, by the way.

Say, for instance, through a series of circumstances and misunderstandings

you find yourself in a position where you have to kill a farmer.

Well...

What do you do? Most of these stupid fuckers will say:

"Go to a gun shop, buy a gun and shoot his fucking brains out."

No.

Where does the killing of a farmer start? Where does it start?

I'll tell you where. Here.

Thinking, thinking.

When is the farmer most vulnerable? I'll tell you when he's most vulnerable.

He's most vulnerable sitting on his little fucking stool milking his fucking cows.

Because he's distracted and he's got his back at ya.

[sounds milking a cow]

So you sneak up behind the farmer. Like this.

Just be as theatrical as you can possibly be.

And then when you're close and this is very important

you kick the farmer in the back, in the same move you grab the little chair

you take a step back, watch the farmer fall on his back

and then you hit the farmer on the head with the little stool

again and again and again

and again, until he is a dead farmer.

Now, how to get away with it?

Important.

First of all, hide the murder weapon.

You smash the little stool into five pieces

you take each piece and shove it up a cow's ass.

Then, remove yourself from the scene of the crime.

Make sure nobody sees ya.

Then you go home and when you're home

call all your friends, say you've been sick and haven't been to a farm all day.

You gotta be smart about it.

You don't wanna go to jail now, do you?

Imagine that, going to jail.

For a long time. And then getting old in jail.

I mean, getting old in itself is such a pest, isn't it?

Losing your hair, your teeth, your eyesight, your hearing.

Man. All your friends dead.

You know. People fighting over your heritage.

You know. Dogs don't like you anymore.

Children afraid of you.

And you're wandering the halls of some nursery home and scream:

"Death, where are you? Death, you're late."

"Death."

Oh man, I hate it. I hate it.

Before that happens, I'll kill myself. I don't want that to happen. But...

We're not there yet.

I'm still here. And I want to enjoy life.

I wanna be in the moment. I don't wanna be distracted by

worrying about the future or thoughts about the past

but be in the here and now.

Just look at everything. Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh. Oehh, a chair.

Hello, chair.

[moaning]

Come here, you little chair.

[moaning] Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

In the here and now.

Oh, I'm touching the chair.

[moaning]

Over here, come on. Come on, oh yeah.

[moaning] I'm aware.

I'm aware that I'm fucking a chair.

[moaning] I don't want this to ever stop.

I'm so enjoying myself in this life.

You know, I really am. You know.

So...

If I sometimes back away from a serious risk

it's not... Okay, you can call me a coward.

But I'm not a coward. Well, maybe I am a coward.

But I don't wanna be a dead coward. I just wanna go on living.

You know, because I can already hear the criticism.

Oh, you're so edgy, aren't you?

You're so edgy, aren't you? Making jokes about the English

making jokes about the Dutch, making jokes about Jews

making jokes about Catholics. Do you have any balls to make jokes about Islam?

[scared voice] Well, I don't see the point.

[stuttering] Why would I?

Why would I make jokes about something that obviously works very well?

Something that spreads love, joy and happiness all over the world?

Why would I joke about it?

Just look how it contributed to the progress of mankind

in the past 500 years.

To the world of science, the arts, the entertainment industry.

All these beautiful Islamic musicals.

The equality of men and women. Where would these bitches be without Islam?

Where would they be?

And what about gay rights? [grunting] What about gay rights?

Why do you think it is

that every year more and more homosexuals decide to move to Mecca?

Why do you think that is?

I'll tell you why. Because over there, they can be themselves.

They don't have to hide who they are, can live the life they lead.

They don't have to wait for the gay parade where they can wiggle their asses.

There they can do it all year long.

It's a wonderful religion.

If you would ask me, Hans, what to you is the most beautiful thing about Islam?

Well, I guess, then I'd have to say

just the light-heartedness of it.

You know.

Just this sense of joie de vivre.

The sheer fun of it.

You just know, when Islam is involved, one way or the other

you just know it's gonna be fun.

You know there's gonna be hilarity.

Just this overall feeling of 'don't take it so seriously'.

It's just a religion.

You know.

That's why the Islamic sense of humour is famous all over the world.

I once visited Yemen, beautiful place, you should go, bring the family.

At a local theatre I saw this beautiful farce.

You know this beautiful farce, this comedy of errors.

It was called My Wife, Your Camel.

Just this comedy of errors. Misunderstandings

people running in and out of tents, you know. And then they go:

[mimics Arabic language]

Just wonderful.

And of course there's always people who say:

"What about ISIS and Al-Qaeda?" What about ISIS and Al-Qaeda?

That's not Islam, that's the CIA.

That's the CIA and the Mossad. That's the Americans, man.

These big, fat, fucking Americans, man.

These big, fat Trump voting Americans, man.

You know what they wanna do, right?

They wanna put up McDonald's everywhere, you know why?

Because people then eat horrible food and get sick

and then the pharmaceutical companies can sell more pills.

Yeah man, the pharmaceutical companies, the pharmaceutical companies, man.

Yeah, man. And when I'm talking about Americans

I'm talking of course about white Americans

because black Americans are being supressed as well.

I read in a survey 95 percent of white American policemen is racist.

And the other five percent filled in: 'Don't know.'

But these CIA fuckers, man. These CIA fuckers.

These devious cunts. You know what they sometimes do?

They sometimes dress up as animals, yeah.

To fuck with your mind.

To confuse people. I saw it in a training video.

All these CIA agents on all fours trying mimic the sound of a mule.

[screaming]

Yeah, man. And then they go to this pure, honest, incorrupt culture

that has not yet been poisoned by the evil of capitalism.

And they go there and confuse people

and then they conquer and they grab everything they can do

and they put up McDonald's everywhere.

That's how it happens every fucking time. So

you wanna contribute? You wanna make the world a better place?

Destroy the West, kill all white people.

Yeah, I mean because they're the cause of all misery in this world.

And even if non-white people sometimes do horrible things

it's always in reaction because of something that white people did to them.

It's like, when a dog gets mad, you don't blame the dog.

You blame the owner.

And then there are these people: "But Islamic women are being supressed."

"Islamic women are being supressed." I say, well...

[can't get the words out] I can't deal with that now.

I wanna talk about pay gaps.

I wanna talk about gender-neutral toilets.

'cause I'm afraid of confrontation

that's why I sing this song

I'm afraid of confrontation

I just wanna get along

I'm a straight, white male with a friendly face

I wanna make the world a better place

so open your heart and let me in

don't judge me by the colour of my skin

I'm straight, white, male and I'm guilty as shit

I've got a dirty privilege, I have to admit

But if you take a closer look I'm sure you can tell

that I'm a human being and I suffer as well

sorry, sorry, sorry even though it wasn't me

sorry for my dominance sorry for slavery

sometimes I hate my race I wanna put chocolate on my face

I get disgusted with my sex

I wanna cut my balls and shave my legs

no, I don't wanna be me and I will even change my name

hip, hip hooray diversity

everybody is the same

I always love the hesitation in this applause.

It's like: "This is not racist... No, no, it's not."

No, it's not racist. I don't believe in race.

We're all homo sapiens and or homosexuals.

Fine by me. Why do people still make a problem of that?

Why would you have a problem with somebody else's sex life?

Or better, somebody else's love life? I mean, come on.

I'm of course a narcissist, so nothing other people do really interests me.

But other people's love life, come on.

In some countries it's still illegal. Homosexuality illegal.

Imagine that. "What are you guys doing?"

"Nothing."

No, I'm not a racist.

No, for instance I have

a reasonably good relationship with black African American people of colour.

Yeah, it's improving.

There's been some incidents.

Well, I'll tell you the whole story. It's like this.

There was a period in my life when I wanted nothing more than to be part

of the movie industry. You know, just for once in my life

I wanted to utter the words: "What? Are you crazy?"

"The place is gonna be crawling with cops."

I wanted to be behind a steering wheel. look in the rear-view mirror and say:

"We've got company."

So I thought, for that I have to move to Los Angeles.

So I went to LA

and soon it turned out that I had no fucking talent for the movie business.

I couldn't act, direct, I couldn't do anything.

But I wanted to contribute. So I thought maybe

I could write scores, you know. Music

for movies. And then

I heard through the grapevine that they were producing this movie called

Twelve Years a Slave. And I thought, well this is right up my alley.

This is exactly the kind of movie I want to contribute to.

It's an important subject and the whole human interest aspect of the undertaking.

It's a very important movie, because people have funny ideas about slavery.

People think slavery was a lot of fun.

"These slaves were paid huge salaries." But it's not true, it's not true.

And I thought, how can I contribute to this movie?

Because commercially this is a difficult movie.

It's a very dark movie. With dark I mean the, the, the...

So I thought what this movie needs is a title song.

A title song that is so catchy

that it will put the title of the movie right there

bang, in the consciousness of the masses.

So I started writing a title song

and called all the people, there was a meeting with all the people involved

and they were sitting where you're sitting right now.

And I walk on stage, had a bit thicker Dutch accent than I have now.

And I walk on stage. Good evening, ladies and gentleman.

First of all, I'd like to congratulate you people with the thing you're doing.

Because I think it's a very important movie that you're making.

Because people have to know there were no salaries paid during slavery.

It's an important message.

So, uhm...

I think I can contribute to your movie

so I took the liberty of writing a title song for your movie

that is so catchy, that it will put the title of the movie right there

bang, in the consciousness of the masses.

Allow me a demonstration.

[upbeat voice] 12 years a slave, 12 years a slave

12 years a slave,12 years a slave

12 years a slave

12 years a slave, 12 years a slave

12 years a slave, 12 years a slave

12 years a slave, 12 years a slave

12 years a slave, 12 years a slave

12 years a slave, 12 years a slave

not one year, shalalalala not two years, shalalalala

not three years, ohohohoho not four years, shalalalala

not five years and certainly not six years

also not seven years

and of course not eight years

and also not nine years

and also not ten years

certainly not 11 years and also not 13 years

and not 14 years

also not 16 years

also not 15 years but 12 years a slave

Well, the difference in reception is remarkable.

I mean...

In Los Angeles people were like...

And then one guy said, he said:

"Well, the frivolousness of the song

does not correspond well with the seriousness of the subject matter."

So I said: "Hey, black man."

And somebody said: "Who?" Well, the...he...the...

And then they said: "Well, I think it's time for you to go."

Wait a minute, that's it? That's it?

I get nothing. "No, you should go."

And then I said something I shouldn't have said.

Now I know how these slaves must have felt.

Which is of course a very unfair comparison, you know.

I realised that when I saw the movie.

[making funny noises]

[singing made-up words]

run through the jungle, run through the jungle

run through the jungle, run through the jungle, run through the jungle

run through the jungle, run through the jungle, run through the jungle

run through the jungle, run through the jungle, run through the jungle

you run through the... But hey, be careful, it's a dangerous place.

The jungle is the most obscene place on earth.

Because there's nothing.

There's no love, no empathy, there's no system, there's nothing.

Just cold-hearted Darwinism.

Everything just grows over each other, under each other.

Suffocates, murders, rapes each other.

So be careful.

So cautiously, you move through the jungle.

Quietly. [timid voice]: run through the jungle

run through the jungle, run through the jungle

[made-up words]

When you spot, sitting on a little branch

a little bird.

[whistling]

You grab the bird

and you hold the bird in your hands and you say:

"Have no fear!"

Which is of course a bit odd.

Chances that this little bird in the jungle understands English

are about as small as the bird itself. [laughing]

Okay, so you go home. You go home to your house, it's your house

you paid for it, you got a perfect right to be there, so fuck of.

And in the privacy of your house

you put the little bird in your mouth.

Now you feel his little wings flapping against your cheeks.

[buzzing noise]

You feel his little head bumping your palate.

[bumping noise]

And you feel his little beak against the back of your teeth.

[tapping noise] Well

it's perfectly clear now.

All the signs are there.

The little bird is afraid.

So you wait.

You wait until the little bird takes a shit.

Then you pull the tip of your tongue

from under the little bird's legs

and with the back of your tongue

you push the little bird right back in your hand.

The shit is now on the back of your tongue.

So you close your eyes, you hold your breath

and you swallow it down.

And that, apparently, will not get you stoned at all.

So, why bother?

Just don't do it.

That's what my advice would be.

Why go through all that trouble. Why?

No, there's many reasons not to do it.

One is, don't play around with shit. Not even your own shit.

Look at it. Do you look at your shit after you've taken a dump?

Of course you do. Of course.

Because it's a great indicator to see if there's something wrong with you.

For instance, say

tomorrow. What time do you take a shit?

Eight-thirty? Good, so at eight-thirty you're taking a shit.

[screaming] And, and, and

you finish and you look and it's all fucking blue.

Hey, hey, hey, time to go to the fucking doctor, my friend.

I always look at my shit.

I always look at my shit. It's sort of a special moment for me.

You know.

I open a bottle of wine.

And I just gaze at it for hours.

Thinking to myself, God I'm a fascinating guy.

So don't play around with your shit. Also

have a little consideration with the animals.

Jesus Christ, this little bird. So afraid.

So afraid this little bird.

And of course, I know sometimes animals

they can do stuff that annoys you.

They can do stuff that makes you very angry.

Like, for instance...

People have a lot of criticism on Bambi.

They criticise Bambi a lot, because you know

he befriended a skunk and a rabbit and you know

any biologist will tell you that's a fucked up thing to do.

And uhm... But, but, okay.

Blame this little deer. Blame this little deer.

Of course. You know who you should blame? Teddy Berendsen.

Who's Teddy Berendsen? That's the hunter

who back in the day, shot Bambi's mother.

Shot her right in the ass, you know.

So Bambi's mother bled out of her ass, took her 45 minutes to die.

There was blood, shit and faeces all over the place

and Bambi saw the whole thing

and maybe that's the reason that Bambi was a little [crazy sounds]

a little fucked up.

And Teddy Berendsen observed this little orphan deer for a while

and then he wrote it all down and that became his Bambi book.

And Walt bought the rights and there was a conversation between Walt and Teddy.

And Teddy said: "Walt, that scene where Bambi's mother is bleeding out of her ass

is that gonna be in the movie?" "No, of course not."

"That's not gonna be in the movie." "Why not?"

"I don't wanna have children watching a dying mother-deer."

"I think you're being very unfair here, Walt."

"What do you mean, unfair?" "You're distorting the truth, Walt."

"I'm distorting the truth?" "Yes, you're distorting the truth."

"You think that? Then get the fuck out of my studio."

That's Walt Disney and that's why I love him.

Guy doesn't take shit from nobody.

Doesn't have to. He's a tycoon.

He created an empire, you know.

Created these iconic figures, like

what's his name, this mouse. Michael, Michael Mouse.

And this Doc. Roger Doc.

When I was a little boy, I always fantasized of

living in this Walt Disney castle, but

it's unaffordable.

No, the rent is just horrible

in the Walt Disney world. Even A-celebrity list Disney figures

can't afford to live there anymore.

Goofy had to move to Marseilles.

It's true. He has to sell his mouth for sex in Marseilles.

[gulping noise]

Fucking horrible.

I once had serious plans to create my own theme park.

Yes, Hans Teeuwen World.

Yes. A very child-unfriendly family park.

Everything is either too violent, too mature or to pornographic for children.

Yes, and at the entrance there's this big neon sign that says:

Hans Teeuwen World. With a picture of a little kid with a knife in his face.

Hans Teeuwen. And inside this park there's these little gnomes running around

grabbing women inappropriately.

So there's this constant screaming of panicking women in the park.

And then there's these big giants that just stand around

and when you pass them, they scream obscenities.

Fuck, cunt. Fuck, cunt.

And then there's these very old elves in wheelchairs

that drive around the park and when you make eye contact with them

they say, don't you fucking look at me.

And the price of admission is either 5000 or 10.000 pounds.

Yes, depending on your skin colour.

So, I wrote all these plans down, you know.

Worked it out very neatly.

And sent it to the local authorities. Well

the level of negativity.

It's... And this goes to show, doesn't it?

An entrepreneur wants to take initiative

and the fucking bureaucrats, they fuck it up.

But I wasn't gonna take no for an answer.

I went to the city hall to the guy who was working on my request

and I kicked in his fucking door, stood before him and said:

Why won't you help me? Why won't you help me create something beautiful?

Why won't you give me a hand to make Hans Teeuwen World

a beautiful theme park with little gnomes grabbing women inappropriately?

And big giants standing around... [deliberately inaudible]

Why won't you help me? Give me one good reason.

Well...

Well, and to be fair, he then did come up with a good reason.

Yes, several actually.

Yes, once he started giving reasons, he just didn't stop.

He just kept on coming with more reasons.

One reason even better than the other one.

And another one, and another one.

I got very annoyed and said, well, build your own fucking theme park then.

Which he did. And that's how Alton Towers came about.

Yeah.

I never knew Walt Disney until I was in my late teens.

'Cause my mother never trusted him.

So my mother she would make up her own stories

that she would tell me before I went to sleep.

And in these stories my mother told me

there was always this little girl called Rinske Dondersteen.

And in English that would mean Rinske the Little Rascal.

And she would start of these stories with a song.

Went like this.

Rinske Dondersteen, meisje zonder normbesef

foei, wat doe je nou, dat mag niet

I'll translate it in English.

Rinske the Little Rascal girl with no morals or ethics

hey, what are you doing there that's not allowed

And these were stories about a little girl called Rinske Dondersteen

and this girl, she had no morals and no ethics.

And when she was younger, these stories were quite funny

because she would always get into trouble, you know

playing ding dong ditch and skipping school

But as she got older, she got into more serious stuff

like extortion and child pornography.

And the stories would get incredibly grim.

Really graphic and grim.

And there was only one character in these stories that tried to save Rinske.

And that was her old school professor, her old school teacher

professor Steffordson.

Because this Steffordson, he genuinely cared for Rinske.

And not just in a sexual way, but as a...as a

fellow human being.

But she was always too fast and too smart for him.

And sometimes he'd get so frustrated

he would stand in front of his open window and scream in frustration:

"Oh, that little rascal, why won't she let me help her?"

[screaming in agony]

Yeah, he had stomach cancer, so...

But even professor Steffordson, in spite of all his efforts

he couldn't save Rinske from herself.

And Rinske would descend further and further

and she would finally end up in what we now know as the...

We call it the sex industry.

Yes, it wasn't called sex industry back then.

But still, it wasn't a good place to be.

Judging from the stories my mother told me.

They were these horrible, graphic, horrible stories.

This was always a big thing with my mother.

Keeping me as far away from the sex industry as possible.

Yes, until this day she calls me up in the middle of the night:

"Don't sell your body for sex. Don't end up like Rinske Dondersteen."

She was trying to warn me.

And warning... It was a warning.

'Cause I'll never forget that final Rinske Dondersteen story my mother told me.

Rinske, all alone in this abandoned whore house.

Surrounded by used condoms, food gone bad

rats, faeces and God knows what.

And then she sat down in this dirty, dirty bathtub

and then she bit her own wrists and bled to death.

And I was listening to this. I was six years old.

And when professor Steffordson found out that Rinske died

he too, killed himself.

Yes, he put his head in an oven until he died.

Yes, an electric oven, so...

Took quite a while.

After hearing all these stories, for me

going out in the real world was such a relief.

I guess the message my mother was trying to get across is:

Not every life is successful.

Not every story has a happy end.

And not everybody can be saved.

Sometimes you have to let go and save yourself.

Sometimes that's the only thing you can do for people.

doctor, I think I have a problem

doctor, I think we should talk

can't you see it in the way I move and in the way I use my voice

oh doctor, won't you help me

oh doctor, doctor, please

I think I have a severe case of musical

[melody song Sound of Music] I buy a kite for a prisoner on death row

pictures of sand for a blind girl in Soho

and for a pilot a plane without wings

'cause I'm a bastard who buys useless things

books for a cat and a gun for a puppy

blankets and two loafs of bread for a yuppie

second-hand condoms and harps without strings

yes, I'm a bastard who buys useless things

ham for a Muslim and porn for a eunuch

bagpipes and flutes for a deaf guy in Munich

hash for the pope and a chair for a sphinx

yes, I'm a bastard who buys useless things

it's no hobby, it's no passion

it's just things I do

I'm bored and I'm lazy but when I go crazy

I buy useless things for you

I would like to make it absolutely clear ladies and gentlemen

that in no way I am trying to belittle or ridicule the musical industry

because I know that these people work very hard

often for shit money, especially the actors.

But it's not lucrative, there's too many people on stage.

I'm here all alone.

Now you can say, is that fair? Fuck yeah, that's fair.

Because I stick my neck out.

These are dangerous times for blasphemers.

You never know, you might step on the wrong toes

and God knows what's gonna happen.

Of course I could spend a shitload of money on security

but I'm Dutch, to me, money is far more important than safety.

But, I have you, beautiful people to think about as well.

So, these days, what I do is

during a gig, I very briefly go into the audience

and have a quick look around.

To see, whether there might be

elements in the audience

that could cause some serious trouble.

I think we all know what we're looking for here.

So by all means, have a look around yourself as well.

And when you see something or someone

that might strike you as suspicious

just very discreetly lift your finger and say:

"Here's one!"

Yeah.

Hi there.

I just want everybody to feel safe.

Very important to me.

That everyone feels safe.

Yeah. Oh, excuse me.

[moaning] Hi.

Oh yes, the old jihadi trick.

I'm gonna pretend to be a hot blonde.

Haven't heard that one before.

come now, sit on my lap

and tell me all your problems

terrorist boy

little terrorist boy

come now sit on my lap and tell me all your problems

terrorist boy

little terrorist boy

did you have trouble finding girls and where you all alone

and weren't you very good at school

but maybe you were, but after a while you kinda lost your way

terrorist boy would you like an internship

some psychiatric help and some books to help you integrate

terrorist boy, terrorist boy

But, unfortunately, the terrorist boy is beyond redemption.

At least, that's how we look upon it.

But that's not how he sees it.

In his mind, salvation is right around the corner.

All he has to do, is to commit this one, horrible act

get himself killed in the process and then he'll move straight up

to the afterlife

and there the creator of the universe awaits him and he says:

"Hey, there he is, get in here."

"Come on."

Well, that wasn't a very impressive life now, was it?

But hey, that final chapter made the whole damn thing worthwhile.

So come here, I'll show you around.

Well, this is the dining room, this is where we eat.

And over there we have the stables, that's where we keep the virgins.

The 72 virgins, yes.

Yes, 72 mentally-challenged virgins in their late fifties.

We'll have a look at them later and you'll understand the virginity a bit better.

And this part here is still under construction.

We're building two pools here.

One for me and the other one also for me.

Because this is my fucking paradise and don't you forget it, cock boy.

Now, come here. Drop your trousers, turn around and bend over.

You all ready for this?

Here we go.

[moaning]

love

exciting and new

come aboard we're expecting you

the Love Boat soon we'll be making another run

the Love Boat... You know, people sometimes ask me:

"Hans, why is there so much sex in your show?"

And I say: "Is there much?" "Yes, there's a lot of sex in your show."

"Isn't that cheap, isn't that obscene, isn't that a little banal?"

And I say: "No."

I think this here is quite a powerful statement

against all sorts of fascism.

And it also sends a message, it also sends a message

to other comedians

that you don't have to be rude and offensive

to get a point across.

You can be subtle.

And sensual.

baseball bat, baseball bat

after a tsunami all the furniture is wet Come on.

[audience]: baseball bat, baseball bat

after a tsunami all the furniture is wet

sea food plate, sea food plate

Debby wrote a poem for a chicken that she ate

[audience]: sea food plate, sea food plate

Debby wrote a poem for a chicken that she ate

hardware store, hardware store

Barry doesn't wanna lick his mother anymore

[audience] hardware store, hardware store

Barry doesn't wanna lick his mother anymore.

Facebook friend, Facebook friend

Goofy is not in Disney World, he couldn't pay the rent

[audience]: Facebook friend, Facebook friend

Goofy is not in Disney World, he couldn't pay the rent

Voicemail box, voicemail box

horny nuns in London hiding dildos in their socks

[audience] voicemail box, voicemail box

horny nuns in London hiding dildos in their socks

ice cream truck, ice cream truck

Holocaust survivors with a picture of a duck

[audience] ice cream truck, ice cream truck

Holocaust survivors with a picture of a duck

grapefruit juice, grapefruit juice

anal sex or poetry, it's difficult to choose

[audience] grapefruit juice, grapefruit juice

anal sex or poetry, it's difficult to choose

there once

there once were a 146 interior decorators

who all smelled like sex

they'd all been to a congress where things got a little out of hand

they had way too much to drink

and then some of them started touching each other

one of them said, hey take it easy

but he was booed and smacked in the face

there once were a 146 interior decorators who all smelled like sex

and when they came home that same evening

they all got into trouble with their wives

oeh, peer pressure

psychological phenomenon that got the best of them

hey oeh, peer pressure

psychological phenomenon that got the best of them, hey

It's not a very good song.

Well, what the fuck.

Ladies and gentlemen

a critic once wrote about me:

"The role of Hans Teeuwen in the world of comedy

is best described

as a tumour."

"Something that manifests itself

something that seeks and receives attention

but does not contribute anything positive."

"Hans Teeuwen uses irony

not to describe human life in a humorous way

but as an excuse and a decoy

for racism, sexism

sadism and a very lazy form of nihilism."

"To call this man a coward

would be unfair to cowards."

"He seems to represent nothing else but his own narcissism."

"A lust for destruction

a desire to bring about a world

that is an empty and deprived of meaning as its own pathetic existence."

"Dear Mr Teeuwen

if you would ever change your way

and feel the desire to contribute something possible to this world

the only thing you'll have to do is stop breathing."

"P.S. this is not ironic."

Uhm...it's tricky.

It's tricky to not take

a review like that personal.

But you see, this is... I just explain it to myself as

like this is probably a failed comedian

who's frustrated he never made it and now he's taking it out on me.

But this review was in a big newspaper.

With a picture of me next to it.

You know.

Then my three year old daughter, she saw my picture in the paper.

And she said: "Look, look, daddy is in the paper."

And then my girlfriend, whom I love a lot but who's as dumb as a rock

thought it would be a good idea to read this review out loud

to my three year old daughter.

It took her four and a half hours, because along the way

she had to explain words like nihilism and sadism.

And something changed in the way

in the way my daughter looks at me, you know.

And...

And I asked my girlfriend: Why did you do that?

How could you? And she said something like:

"Don't you think that children need to learn

the concept of criticism?"

Criticism? This is character assassination.

"But why would he do that?" I said: "I don't know."

And then she got very intrigued by this review.

She kept reading it.

And then she got very curious about the guy who wrote this review.

And then she tried to contact him through Twitter or Facebook or some shit.

And then finally she contacted him and she

asked him: "Why did you write this, why did you do this?"

And so he invited her over to his house

and they talked for about an hour

and then he fucked her.

And then he fucked her again.

And then she called me and she said:

"I've never known this feeling, I've never been so in love."

And then he fucked her again.

And then, after a week of non-stop fucking

apparently he got tired of her.

He kicked her out and as he kicked her out, he said:

"I'm not interested anymore in the leftovers of a spineless provocateur"

So now... I was just glad that she came back.

And she came back.

And when she fell in my arms, I could still smell him.

Yeah, it's a funny thing, criticism.

You see, the thing is, whenever I'm making something

writing something, creating something

in my head I always secretly write my own reviews.

Things that I would like people to say about me.

Things like 'unforgettable'

and 'legendary'.

'Brilliant' and 'genius'.

But that's not what I'm reading these days.

So it was a difficult period for me.

[clears throat]

Audiences abandoned me

and critics hated me and nobody stood up for me.

Not my friends, not my family.

And then one night I was so lonely

I called my mother and she said:

"How many times do I have to tell you I love you, but I have my own life."

And then I just fell and I fell and I kept falling

and I fell into an abyss of utter darkness

and I just kept falling and falling and falling

until I finally reached the bottom.

And what did I find at the bottom of the abyss?

Diamonds.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen.

The bottom of the abyss has diamonds.

And you know what they're called?

They're called ideas.

And they're the best ones.

So I took a few of these ideas

and I put them in my pockets

and I climbed back to the lights.

And with these new ideas, I created something new.

And now I can only hope that people will like this

because if I don't feel my talent, if I'm not in contact with my creativity

I'm like a horse who can't see his own cock.

Did you ever realise that, people?

Horses can't see their own cock.

They can't.

That was always so tragic to me.

As a young boy I was hanging over a fence watching this stallion

being very insecure and I thought: Oh, if only you knew.

So I tried to help the horse.

So I made a polaroid of his dick.

And I tried to show it to the horse. "Horse, look, look."

And the horse... [snorts]

Because horses don't understand the concept of photography.

So the next day I went back with four mirrors.

One mirror behind the horse, one mirror underneath the horse

one mirror in front of the horse and one...spare.

And I said: "Look, horse, look, look, look."

And I held my own dick next to his, you know, as comparison.

I said: "Look, look." And finally he saw it.

Well, it changed the whole horse completely.

Horse became very arrogant.

Wouldn't do any work no more, wouldn't even leave the stable.

And it just goes to show that for some animals and people

it is better to remain oblivious of the true size of their talent

and their power.

You know, because this horse, it's the same thing that happens to Prince Charles.

Why do you think Prince Charles always has these infections on his dick?

Because he thinks: "Why should I wash my dick, I'm gonna be king."

You have to choose the people you feel sorry for.

The sick, poor, weak

or the victims of war. Because

no matter how good you try to be

there's just a limited supply of empathy.

The world's too big and your heart's too small.

You can't feel sorry for them all.

Go ahead and try if you think you should, but remember

just feeling bad doesn't make you good.

You gotta have ideas, you gotta have a plan.

So keep your feelings on a leash and just do the best you can.

lala lalalalaaa

lala lalalalaaa

look at me, I'm Hans Teeuwen

look at me, I am Dutch

look at me, I'm Hans Teeuwen

hear my voice, feel my touch

look at me, I'm Hans Teeuwen

look at me, I am Dutch

look at me, I'm Hans Teeuwen

hear my voice, feel my touch

look at me, I'm Hans Teeuwen

I love him very much

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much, see you next time.

Subtitled by: Aimée Bernard