Original subtitles

DOOR OPENS

DOOR BANGS SHUT

ALERT CHIMES

Argh.

Happy birthday! What?

Happy birthday. I did you an egg.

Oh, that's... Thank you.

Well, you haven't eaten it yet.

Thank me when you don't get salmonella.

Sad Detective? Season 4's out. What? Mm.

Season 3 was just the other day.

Came out in Finland in like 2018. Just takes forever to get here.

Oh, nice.

Um, weird question.

Hypothetically, if someone got a bit pissed last night

and signed up for the Royal Marines... Royal Marines?

Those ads are very persuasive.

IF someone did that, like,

can they get out of it?

I'm sure.

So they won't like pick me up in a van?

Probably not.

Great. Great.

So, any nice plans for later? DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS

Er, Nina and Georgia are taking me out.

Fola has plans, apparently. Not that I'm annoyed or anything.

Sounds like you, Esther.

She's not annoyed either, even though she looks like she is.

I'm not annoyed.

Just like old times, huh?

Did you an egg. Oh, thanks.

CRUNCHING

I just panicked and picked somewhere easy.

At least it's got American football on!

Or I guess just football, you'd call it.

It's, er...

I like it.

I haven't really been on many dates.

So, are you...

..just out of a long relationship?

Only with the man upstairs. Like a neighbour? No.

LAUGHS No. That's funny.

Um, it's a very...long story.

Basically, my mum was religious.

Like, super, super religious. And so was I.

No sex before marriage, no kissing before marriage, even.

Right. After she died...

CHEERING AND WHOOPING

Feels a bit personal.

But, yeah, after, I had whatever the opposite of a conversion is.

She spent her whole life being a good person

and then got cancer at 51.

It all just kind of fell apart.

Like, have you ever seen that video of the raccoon and the candyfloss?

I don't think so.

She's at the zoo and she's stolen some candyfloss,

but she drops it in a puddle and it dissolves

cos it's basically just sugar, and suddenly it's all gone.

And then she just looks so sad!

I should probably just show you. Yeah.

I'm so sorry about your mom, by the way.

My dad passed six months ago...

QUIRKY MUSIC

CHITTERING

Oh, no! Poor guy.

Oh, sorry about your dad too.

I didn't mean to ride over that. Oh, thank you.

We had a complicated relationship.

Feel like that makes it harder, doesn't it?

All the stuff we never got to say to them.

Exactly.

Exactly, yeah. Plus some other stuff happened around the same time.

Sorry, we got side-tracked. You were saying...

Yeah, I've just been trying to make up for lost time, really.

So that's how you know Monica and Eddie. Mm.

They just have such a healthy attitude about it all. No shame.

But it's not like my one thing, watching them.

I'm learning a lot, you know, about myself.

About what my things are, you know?

But with you it's more of like your thing.

I got to have a conversation with Monica about boundaries.

CLAIRE LAUGHS Um, but, yeah.

I guess it is my thing.

I'm sure it's difficult to talk about.

It is.

But...

..less so with you, actually.

Well, why don't you show me instead?

Back at yours.

Could you help me?

Well, I'm fighting my way through each day...

You look nice!

Tiwa! That's the good stuff.

Oh, yeah, but I bought a bottle. Yeah, of something cheap.

The guy behind the counter said it was the best

bottle in the whole petrol station.

Mm.

Don't touch the lid.

It shouldn't reduce yet.

Oh, reducing. Fancy.

Stop it. It's all in hand. OK, I'm just trying to help!

Yeah, well, what about the surprise you keep threatening? All done.

Just need to print it. Print what? Just chill out, OK?

Mmm.

Things going better with Josh, then? Why do you ask?

Well, the party's still on. Plus, your walls are thin.

That's weird. You shouldn't really listen to your big sister have sex.

What, you think I want to?

CHUCKLES

Stop worrying about our sex life.

Lesbian bed death's a myth. How many of our friends...?

There was one study in the '80s.

We're just a bit out of sync. We'll be fine.

I'm just worried. Do you know who you sound like?

Don't say Josh.

You sound like your brother. Urgh!

Speaking of. Happy birthday! Thank you.

Ow! What the fuck?!

Birthday beats.

Come on, shall we go? Fine. Yeah.

Oh. What, are we not...? Nope.

I thought we were getting the bus! GEORGIA CHUCKLES

Why are you in a grump? It's your birthday! I'm fine.

You are not fine. Look at that bottom lip.

It's very nice that you guys are taking me out.

It just feels, you know,

going out with my sister on my birthday, rather than with my...

Ooh, you were going to say girlfriend.

What's he going to go with instead?

Exclusive relationship friend.

Exclusive! Wow, that's exciting.

Sort of contradicted by the fact you went on a date with someone

yesterday. Wait, you did what?

I didn't. It was a misunderstanding. It's all good now.

Only you could misunderstand whether you were going on a date

with someone. Where are we even going? It's a surprise. Ugh.

You're going to love it, though. This feels like a trick.

BIKE BELL RINGS

Don't be too pleased about that.

LAUGHS

This is where I live.

Yeah, sorry, got directions mixed up.

If we're going back to the flat, I'm going to lose my shit.

I swear we're not.

Seriously.

Look, Fola continues to want to spend time with you.

Even though you're the sulkiest man on Earth.

Yeah, but... Then stop whinging.

We're here. What do you mean we're here? This is Fola's place.

Surprise! PARTY POPPER BANGS

Shit! Shit!

JOSH SOBS

What the hell?

No, no. I'm sorry, they are... These are happy tears.

They're happy tears. Let's just get inside, shall we?

Oh, my God, thank you so much, everyone! Yep!

So you being a stroppy bitch beforehand

we're just going to ignore? I wasn't! Fola, I was not.

I'm sure you were. But seriously,

that was...you are amazing. I am, aren't I? Mm.

You know, we could just skip it.

Spend the evening just the two of us.

No, we've been doing that all day. This'll be fun.

DOOR CLOSES Oh! Hi.

Happy birthday, Josh! Again. We made you a cake.

Oh.

Thanks! How was the surprise? Were you surprised?

I was. And still am.

Wait, have you been crying? No.

What...? Long story.

But if you had more friends, then I wouldn't have to make up numbers.

I do have friends. You just haven't met them yet.

Mm.

Actually, this is very nice.

Um, my sister, her partner, my ex and her boyfriend.

FOLA LAUGHS

And, um, my exclusive relationship friend.

"Exclusive relationship friend"?

That's you.

So, how many are we now?

Er, Esther and Lars makes seven all together.

Cool, no worries.

I got extra costumes just in case.

What do you mean, costumes?

Welcome to the annual gathering of the World's Greatest Detectives!

This is amazing! When you said a surprise, Tiwa,

I didn't think that murder mystery would be the surprise.

I thought that you'd bring, y'know, drugs or something.

This is way more fun, isn't it? Oh, is it? I think it's really cool.

Are you sure I can't be the Sad Detective, Josh?

He is Scandinavian after all.

I don't completely understand who I'm meant to be.

Play it again, kid!

Why do you have so much fancy dress stuff?

Oh, she has a drama degree.

And because of your negative tone, you have to start, Fola.

Ooh!

Or, should I say, southern gentleman detective Claude LaRouche.

Ooh!

At least put the cravat on. I'm not putting on the cravat.

Do the voice, then. The Daniel Craig voice.

FOLA CLEARS THROAT

BAD SOUTHERN ACCENT: Well, I never, there's been a murder.

What was that?! THEY LAUGH

PHONE VIBRATES

AMERICAN: Yes, hello?

OWN ACCENT: Sorry, yeah?

I'm sorry, what do you mean unprofessional?

Well, I'm not an estate agent, for one.

What do you mean, pulled out? I haven't pulled out.

He did what?!

Swore I'd seen you before

Watched you walk through...

MUMBLING

What's that, love? I said, any other requests?

Just keep at it, probably.

Well, I meant them, but you're the boss.

No, this is great.

Unless you... No.

All good.

I don't want to rush you into anything,

but if you felt like holding my hand?

Holding your hand?

Unless you don't do that on a first date.

That's the spot, Eddie.

Er, yeah. Sure.

I took your hand

Somethin' from your touch felt shockingly familiar

And I swore I'd seen you before

Oh, I swore I'd seen you before

Underneath the sheets...

MESSAGE ALERT

BREATHLESSLY: You know the rules, Zack. Phones off.

Sorry, I'll, er... Sorry. I'll do that right now.

RAGGED BREATHING

I have to go. You have to go?

We're just getting started, really. It's Fola.

Who's Fola? His ex-wife.

My wife. Your wife?

I have to go. I...

I don't have time to explain, OK? I have to go.

DOOR OPENS CLAIRE SCOFFS

DOOR CLOSES

You OK? I'm fine. I might do an actual murder.

Play it again, kid!

That's not a thing, Esther! He doesn't say that.

All right, focus, everyone! Fola's back, so time to pair up.

Probably makes sense we stay in our couples?

Er, can I not go with Lars?

LARS SCOFFS

Why not? I spend all my time with you.

I only really know you. Also, I think you probably did it.

What? Look at him, he's shifty. He's wearing a disguise.

We're all wearing disguises. But yours is shifty.

This isn't really how it works.

Yeah, I think Tiwa's going to hand out some evidence.

Yes, evidence pointing to him. I've had enough!

I've realised all today, maybe even before then,

you've been treating me like a dickface.

I'm not a dickface. I'm a human being.

Do you actually want me here, Esther?

Do you actually even like me,

or am I here just to show that you've moved on from Josh?

Um...

LARS SCOFFS

Right. Nice to meet you, everyone.

You're right by my side

You wake me up, you say it's time to ride

You shut them as we fly...

So he's not the murderer, then?

As we fly

Stark, hollow town Carson City lights

Baby, let's get high

Spend a Johnny's cash, hitch another ride

We laugh until we cry

You say, "Go fast" I say, "Hold on tight"

In the dead of night...

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