Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature

I've never cheated before. If it makes you feel better, I'm married.

What? You had sex with the woman across the road?

I didn't know she lived across the road.

Have you guys just moved in?

We did. I'm Zack, this is my wife Fola.

Esther. And this is my... Josh. I'm Josh.

Ooh, agh!

Fola, I know.

You and me didn't have sex

for basically the entire year that we've been married.

I liked it, hearing you and him. Don't stop!

Josh? Are you cheating on me?

Esther, babe... Don't "babe" me!

Whoa!

I'm in love with you, and I think you might be in love with me too.

What are you doing?

What the fuck? We're over.

And when I'm gone, you're going to miss me so fucking much

that you'll want to die.

MOANING AND THUDDING WITHIN CUBICLE

MORE FRANTIC MOANING

MAN AND WOMAN CRY OUT

COUPLE INSIDE CUBICLE LAUGH

There's a lady out there. A lady? What, like a duchess? A woman.

Just go! Act natural.

Ah.

What?

MUSIC: Strut by Liz Lawrence

Gotta go out to a bar just to find it

Somewhere between the back room and the pool table...

Excuse me? Can I just get...

Excuse me? H...hello?

How have you not been served yet?

It is a lifelong curse.

Oi!

Er, can we have... What are we having?

Um, well, I did... I had one idea.

Because I worked out it's six months since we met.

In case you'd forgotten. Is it?

Yeah. Well, give or take.

So I thought maybe...shots?

Do you remember Aquavit?

Oh, shit. Yes, yes. Can we have two shots of Aquavit?

What? Aquavit. It's a Swedish spirit.

It tastes a bit like... Absolute shit.

Can we have two of those, please? I don't think we have that.

Do you want to take a look?

Yeah.

Ooh! I know, it was a bit spicy, wasn't it?

Spicy.

Uggh!

BOTH COUGH

Fucking Aquavit.

Cor, it goes straight to the head, doesn't it?

Yeah, kicks you in the arse. Oh, God, it's sort of Christmassy.

Oh, yeah, like a EastEnders Christmas special.

Just tragedy and sadness.

Yeah, that is exactly right.

Are you gargling wine?

I'm just washing it around my mouth. That is weird.

You're weird.

I like it.

Oh, this is beautiful, isn't it?

Like you. Shut. Up.

Makes a change from the usual view, doesn't it?

Maybe you'll get used to it.

When I said I'm moving north of the river,

I didn't mean immediately north of the river. Oh.

I thought that's where you were going to live.

HE LAUGHS

To your big move.

Yeah, the start of a new chapter.

It's going to be a good one!

Also, you know, just a bus and a tube away.

Citymapper says it only takes 45 minutes. Yeah. Exactly.

Erm, would you excuse me for a second?

I've had a bunch of missed calls from Nina,

so I should probably just check

she hasn't flooded the flat or something. Yeah, course.

CALL RINGS OUT

Hi. So I am freaking out.

What is it now? We keep talking about how she's moving away,

and every time it comes up,

I feel like I'm never going to see her again.

She wants to move to north London, Josh.

It's not fucking Narnia.

Yes, but what if we only started

because we live across the street from one another? Here we go.

Yeah, and what if she ends up living opposite someone else?

Like a male model or a fireman or something? Sounds hot, actually.

You're fully catastrophising now, Josh.

You haven't been dating that long.

You just don't like change.

Oh, I'm fine with change.

I love... I love change!

Her and Zack aren't even divorced yet, right? No, but I...

Right, so she probably just wants to take things at her own pace.

Although you're one to talk. What does that mean?

You moved all your stuff in on date three.

What? Just a toothbrush!

And your bloody lizard.

I was at yours all the time, Billie Jean was missing me.

None of this is worth a panicky phone call, is my point.

Just play it cool

and don't do anything stupid.

I won't!

I'll try not to. Um...

So? How's everything there? Have um, Lesbian Book Club arrived?

Don't call it that. You called it that!

Yeah, well, we're allowed to.

It's about creating a safe space for queer women who love literature.

Yeah, Georgia says "We're allowed to because it's about..."

Yeah, I know, I heard.

And now I can't make fun of you any more,

so I'm going to go back to my date. OK, goodbye.

Oh! Oh, God, yeah, God, yeah.

Oh, God, yeah. Oh, God, oh, fuck,

yeah, fuck, yeah, fuck, yeah!

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait! Are you OK? Yeah, very fucking OK, thank you.

My arse was just about to fall down the sink. Oh. Sorry.

Shit. Fuck. Um... Pretend to be sick. Pretend to be sick.

Bleuurggh!

Yeah, sorry, we're almost done.

Bleurrrgh! We've arrived at the station.

You have to get out.

Yeah, no, it's just, my boyfriend's being sick. Hi!

Out, please.

I think we got away with it. Yeah.

Thank you.

MUSIC: Charge It by ENNY

CALL RINGS OUT

Hey. How's the flash new penthouse?

Well, I don't know if it's flash exactly.

But, er, it's all good. Great.

Well, I'm just calling

to check that it's still OK for me to come round tomorrow?

Ah, well, I guess we have to do it at some point.

I guess we do. I'll, erm, bring pastries.

Um...bring boxes, we need boxes. I'll see you tomorrow. Bye.

That sounds like our favourite lodger! Hey, guys!

Good day, Zachary? TFI Friday, am I right? I...think so, yeah.

Any evening plans? I've made too much kedgeree's the thing.

We were wondering if you'd like to join us?

Er...that'd be... Yeah, sure. That'd be lovely.

8.30? Super.

Oh, my God.

It was just... I should have done it years ago.

I just feel like all my cells are different now.

Yeah, I literally just got in.

Actually, um, that was the one of the reasons I was ringing.

I was wondering if I could crash at yours for a little bit.

I know you've got that little spare room...

Yeah, but that's why it'd be nice!

Because we can catch up after so long.

And you can meet Lars! We met in Thailand.

Yeah, well, yeah, he'll stay in the room with me as well, yeah.

CALL CUTS OFF

Hello? Oh.

Shit. OK, who else, who else?

Babe! I got you a Crunchie.

Aw, thanks, babe.

Hey. Why the frowny face?

I'm trying to find somewhere for us to stay.

I thought you had a flat, babe? Yeah, I do.

But, um, we can't stay there because,

I never told you this, but...

I broke up with someone before I went travelling.

And we were together for ages, actually, like more than ten years.

And he still lives in the flat,

and I haven't spoken to him since I left. Oh. Cool.

You don't mind?

Of course not, babe.

I know you had a sexual past before we met. Aww.

Also, I've slept under the stars many times.

Once, in Goa, I slept outdoors every day for nine months.

I find it very beautiful.

Yeah, no, we'll definitely stay somewhere indoors,

but let's get going, shall we? Yeah!

What's this? That's the Shard. Wow, the Shard.

Shard. Shard.

I don't know what it does, though.

Um, oh, God, this is terrible.

You don't remember her name!

You fuckboi!

No, I want to say Sharleen? No, she was Scottish.

And it was in a tent at Reading Festival.

Oh, Josh. That is so gross.

No, it was quite sweet, actually.

I had no idea what I was doing.

Well, nothing's changed on that front, then.

That is not what you were saying on the kitchen floor the other day.

I don't think that counts as saying anything.

I was...speaking in tongues.

What about you? Who was your first?

Adrian Wong.

Oh! The famous Adrian Wong. Shut up.

He was my first boyfriend.

It was pretty standard.

His parents went out for the night,

went on for 15 seconds, had a little cry on the tube afterwards.

Sounds pretty standard, yeah.

That's one of the benefits of having you across the road. What is?

No crying on the tube. Well, yeah, I mean, for now, anyway.

All on one card? Er, yes, please.

You know, I think it'll be good, though.

You know, not being on each other's doorsteps.

Not being in each other's pockets.

Not taking each other for granted... Move in with me!

Wow! A big moment. Fuck off.

Sorry.

I'm...I'm really sorry.

That was so rude, it was just an impulse... He's gone.

Move in? Josh, this is meant to be the fun bit.

I'm having fun, aren't you?

I mean...

..this is more than just fun, isn't it?

I... OK, OK, OK. OK, you're right.

Blurgh! Forget I said anything.

That was just a stupid impulse. Argh!

You're not the most impulsive person I've ever met, Josh,

so I don't think that that's right.

Look, um, my sister's having birthday drinks at the Legion.

I wasn't going to go, but I think I'm going to drop by now.

What is wrong with you? You look like you're buffering.

I, I assumed we were going back to yours.

Didn't we say... Well, lucky you have a flat of your own, then.

Yeah, but I think I mentioned

that Nina and Georgia are having their Lesbian Book Club there.

Lesbian Book Club? That's how they described it! Couldn't they just...

No, they're having their place done up at the minute...

Look, Josh! I don't know, just... Just figure it out.

I just, just need a bit of headspace.

Look, I'll call you tomorrow, yeah?

MUSIC: C'est Comme Ca by Paramore & Wet Leg

Fuck.

CAR HORN BLARES Sorry.

C'est comme ca, c'est comme ca

C'est comme ca, c'est comme ca

C'est comme ca, c'est comme ca...

I'm sorry, my plans changed. I'm going to go straight to my room

and you can ignore me...

Oh, my God.

C'est comme ca, c'est comme ca

C'est comme ca, c'est comme ca

C'est comme ca, c'est comme ca

C'est comme ca, c'est comme ca

C'est comme ca, c'est comme ca

C'est comme ca, c'est comme ca.

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