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(phone�ringing)
Chickadee:�Kookoo. It's�an�emergency.
I'm�at�Uncle�Paul's.
I�need�snacks...
and�a�blanket.
Kookoo.�I'm�gonna�freeze�to death�and�die�of�no�chips.
Kids�these�days.
You�know,�when�I�was�younger, on�a�nice�day�like�this,
I'd�be�out�there�running around�with�my�friends.
I�am�outside�with�my�friends.
Ho'leh!
We're�playing�this�game called�Rez�Simulator.
It�simulates�the�Rez.
They�just�released the�new�season,�spring.
The�DLC�allows�you�to frolic�in�the�bush.�No�cap.
I'll�no�cap�you�until you're�actually�outside.
Kookoo,�it's�2024.
Nobody�goes�outside�anymore.
Agnes:
Internet.�You're�going�down.
?�Yes,�I�can�love�you,�baby�?
?�All�night�long�?
(Roger�speaking Anishinaabemowin�on�radio)
Is�it�because�I'm�always�here,
and�so�the�most�obvious person�to�hold�on�to�them?
No!
It's�because�I'm�as trustworthy�as�brakes�on�a�car,
straps�on�a�bra, gossip�on�the�internet.
While�I�guard�these keys�with�my�life,
here's�Johnny�Innocent and�the�Offenders
with�a�timeless�classic,
-�"It�Wasn't�Me�(This�Time)." -�(music�playing)
Yup,�Stephen�Harper�and�Rose are�headed�to�Winnipeg
for�a�medical�appointment.
I'm�gonna�play so�many�video�games
and�eat�so�much�snacks.
-�(bell�ringing) -�Let's�go.�Phones�away.
Paul,�stop�leaning�on�the�chair.
That's�the�last one�you're�getting.
Whatever.�I'll�just�sit on�the�floor,�then.
You'll�probably�break�that,�too.
Mn'ehh.�Probably.
All�right, summer�school�prisoners.
Your�assignment�this�week,
you'll�be�taking�care
of�a�baby�doll�for�24�hours.
An�important life�skill�is�to�learn
to�look�after�small�things.
These�dolls�are like�real�babies.
They�cry�when they�need�attention.
You�feed�them when�they're�hungry,
and�you�change their�poopie�diapers,
just�like�Paul's�mom still�does�for�him.
No,�she�do--
For�you...
(speaking�Anishinaabemowin)
What�the�hell,�Sweetley? This�is�not�fair.
This�baby's�janky�as�hell!
If�that�doll�comes back�in�anything�less
than�perfect�condition, that's�strike�four.
Have�you�even�watched baseball�before!?
Hm.�All�right.
Listen�here, you�little�shit.
You�better�not�fuck�around with�my�fuck�around�time.
-�(doll�gagging) -�Yoho!
So,�we�all�know�that�the�young people�have�been�spending
too�much�time�on�those�screens and�not�enough�time�outside.
Always�laying�around�like they're�melted�to�furniture.
Well,�I've�got�a�plan.
Okay.
So,�we�distract�Lips,
and�we�sneak�into the�band�office.
Steal�the�keys�from�Roger,
and�then�we�break into�the�internet�room,
and�shut�off�the�internet.
What?
Agnes,�are�you�serious?
That's�too�big�a�job!
We�could�do�it�together.
I've�got�the�plan. You've�got�the�muscle.
Well,�Louise, she's�sexy�as�hell.
So,�just�the�three�of�us for�a�job�this�big?
Easy�peasy�meezey.
I�don't�know. We're�missing�something.
Like�a...�a�real�wildcard.
Someone�a�little�crazy.
Like,�I'm�crazy,
but�we�need�someone�crazy-crazy.
(speaking�Anishinaabemowin)
Not�a�drop.
Customer:�I'll�take�a�pack of�gum,�a�scratch�ticket,
and�something's�wrong with�your�white�guy.
Dean:�Oh.�No,�man, he's�just�like�that.
Customer: You�sure?
Dean:�Yeah,�that�is a�little�un-Greg-like.
Hm.
Hey.�You�good,�bro?
Yeah,�man.
Seems�all�right�to�me.
I�named�mine�Robo-Cop.
Beautiful,�man. Mine's�Knuckles.
(chuckling)
Sick,�mine's�Gord.
That's�sweet.�Baby�Uncle.
Watch�out,�ding-dongs! (snickering)
What'd�you�name�yours?
I�named�mine�Field�Goal.
(grunting)
(laughing)
(doll�crying)
Keep�it�down, Robo-Cop's�trying�to�have�a�nap.
What's�that�noise?
Hopefully�none�of�you kicked�yours�into�the�locker!
By�"kicked�into the�locker"�you�mean
"gently�put�away�for�a�nap,"
then,�yeah,�I�kicked my�baby�in�the�locker.
There�it�is.�Ah.
Sweet�little�baby.
Oh,�so�cute.
-�Mm--�Ow! -�(zapping)
Fucking�shitty�little�baby!
Kids�aren't�easy, are�they,�Paul?
-�It's�okay,�little�guy. -�(doll�giggling)
Your�dad's�gonna�fail�so�hard.
Yes,�he�will.
(doll�giggling)
Yes,�he�will.
Rita,�listen. Do�you�hear�that�outside?
No.
Exactly.�It's�a�gorgeous�day, but�guess�what?
Not�a�kid�in�sight.
Yeah,�they�should�be�playing and�running�around
and�beating�each�other�up,
and�getting�wood�ticks in�their--�in�their�buttholes,
and�being�chased�by�dogs and�falling�out�of�trees,
getting�splinters stuck�in�their--
Yeah,�like�we�did!
But�now,�nothing!
They're�all�on�the�computer.
I�ain't�working�with Agnes�'til�she�apologizes!
For�what?
Took�my�man!
Who?
Big�Tooth�Kev!�1988!
I�never�snagged�him.
His�tooth�was�too�big.
Hilda.
Hey,�I�never snagged�him,�neither.
Ah,�his�tooth�wasn't that�big.
All:�Louise!
Well,�if�we�count�every big-toothed�man�I�snagged,
we'd�be�here�'til�Christmas.
Hey,�you�lose�a�man�to�Louise,
he�was�never yours�to�begin�with.
Eh.
Okay,�I'm�in. What's�the�plan?
(clapping) Simple�job.
In�and�out.�Nobody�gets�hurt.
No�promises�there.
Aniin.�Can�I�get�some�help�here?
I�don't�know.�Can�you?
You�know,�man.�Just�take�it.
What�was�that,�bro?
You�stock�the�shelves, people�buy�the�things,
they�leave, you�stock�the�shelves.
Nothing�matters. Time�is�a�flat�circle.
Yeah,�I�know.�Duh.
No,�no.�You--
You�just�don't�get�it.
Whoa,�bro! You�just�dropped�your�vest.
That's�where�all your�powers�are,�man.
(doll�crying)
Paul:�Shah!
Wah�shay�shay!
Oh!�All�right,�fuck�this.
(grunting)
(doll�crying)
Time�to�shut this�squawk-box�off.
(knocking)
Sweetley:�Hey,�you'd�better�not be�dismantling�dolls�in�there.
Fuck�you,�Sweetley.
If�that�things�comes back�to�school�in�anything
less�than�perfect�condition, strike�four.
Shouldn't�you�be�in�bed?
I�was.
Until�I�read your�Chat�Talker�post.
You�printed�out�the�internet?
The�screen�hurts�my�eyes.
Get�some�new�eyes!
"Looking�for�someone�to watch�a�dumbass�baby�doll
from�school.
Don't�tell�Principal�Shitley."
I�was�hacked!
Either�you�raise�that doll�yourself,�or�you�fail.
Fine,�then.�I'm�gonna�love the�shit�out�of�that�robot�baby!
So,�you'd�do�a�good�job�raising that�baby�just�to�spite�me?
Oh,�yeah.�Real�lovingly.
Now,�get�out�of�here.
(growling)
All�right.�If�I'm�gonna be�a�for�real�dad,
I�better�get�some�practice�in.
Welcome�to�the�family, Small�Paul.
Roger�on�radio:
That�was Key�Willy�Willicker�with
"You�Lost�the�Keys to�My�Heart."
-�(grunting) -�(shutting�off�radio)
What�a�beautiful�day
to�stick�it�up�Sweetley's�ass.
(chuckling)
Ooh,�good�morning. (chuckling)
(cooing)
-�(laughing) -�?�I�recall�the�night�?
?�That�you�came into�this�world�?
Doll:�Papa?
Come�on,�come�on.
-�(doll�farting) -�Ooh!�Ooh-wee!
-�(laughing) -�Doll:�Papa?�(cooing)
All�right,�you�did�it.
Hey.�I�got�here as�fast�as�I�could.
Yeah,�the�lightbulb�burnt�out.
We�all�tried�to�fix�it, but�our�joints�are�too�sore.
Not�a�problem.
Right�this�way.
?
Here's�your�problem.
Light�wasn't�burnt�out�at�all.
Looks�like�it�was loose�in�the�socket.
Almost�as�if�somebody with�delicate�hands�spun�it
just�enough�to�not�work.
There.
Uh,�and�another�thing.
Might�you�help a�frail�old�lady�like�me
open�this�jar?
Sure�thing,�but�I�do�got a�lot�going�on�today,�though.
Man.
It's�almost�as�if somebody�crazy�glued
this�thing�shut�or�something.
Yeah.�Weird.
Real�weird.
Hey,�uh,�Dean. About�yesterday--
Oh.�Hey,�man.�Look, if�people�want�to�save�money
buying�rotten�meat, who�am�I�to�say�no?
No,�I,�uh,�I�meant my�behaviour.
I�was�totally�not�cool�and--
Oh,�yeah.�Hey,�listen, on�an�unrelated�topic,
what�is�E.�coli? Is�it�an�internet�thing?
Dean,�could�you�just�forget about�that�for�a�second?
I,�uh,�I�made�you-- I�made�you�this�to�say�sorry.
Is�that�my�face?
Oh,�uh,�yeah.
(chuckling) Made�it�myself.
Bro.
It's�okay�if�you�don't�like�it.
I�can�leave�it�outside�for the�dogs�or�kids--
I�fucking�love�it.
I've�always�wanted�to�know what�my�face�tasted�like.
Mm.
I�tastes�good,�man.
So,�here's�the�thing,�Dean. When�we�left�the�North�Store,
I�thought�Yeah�Man would�make�me�happy,
but�you�know�what?
It�did.
Uh,�no. No,�that's�the�thing,�Dean.
It�did�not.
Oh,�right.�Right.
I�think�it's�because I�never�really�wanted
to�work�in�a�grocery�story. I�was�just�kind�of�always--
Well,�I�was�born�into�them.
Whoa.�Heavy,�bro.
Here,�try�my�face.
I�missed�out�on�so�much working�in�these�stores.
Never�went�to�my�own�prom.
I�never�found�a�dead�body in�the�woods�with�my�friends.
The�one�time�I�got�high�was 'cause�I�stood�up�too�fast.
Dean,�I-- I�don't�know�who�I�am.
I�got�you,�bro.
I'm�gonna�help�you�find�out who�the�real�Greg�is.
Here.�Try�my�nose.
(grunting)
Oh,�smells�fresh.
Roger:
That's�why�I�slept with�the�band�office�keys
under�my�pillow.
All�right,�Louise. Make�your�magic.
I'm�like�the�mother�hen.
These�keys,�the�eggs.
Happy�birthday,�Mr.�President.
Louise.
Did�you�do�something new�to�your�hair?
Oh,�you're�so�funny,�Roger. Of�course�not.
I�just�woke�up�like�this.
Ever�the�natural�beauty.
Can�I�interest�you in�some�warm�cookies?
You�know�I'm�always�hungry!
(giggling)
Mm!
Where�are�those�cookies�at?
Um--
(sneezing)
Rita?�Agnes, what�are�you�doing�here--
(gasping)
Rita!
Paul:
Look�at�Uncle�with the�tricked�out�stroller.
Yeah,�anything�for�Small�Paul.
(doll�giggling)
This�thing�is�the�cargo pants�of�strollers.
(doll�giggling)
I've�got�this�dad�shit�on�lock!
Doll:�Papa?
We�should�go�on a�playdate�later.
(chuckling)
What's�Gord�and�little Robocop�doing�after�school?
We�could�go�to�the�park. Aww,�so�gassy.
(laughing)
Baby�learned�its�first words�the�other�day.
It�said,�"Those�who�can are�freaking�awesome,
and�those�who�can't...
...they�teach."
(Paul�and�doll�giggling)
Oh,�chi-chi. (shushing)
There,�there.�Scot'apin.
This�day�isn't�over�yet.
(chuckling)
Lips:
Damn�companies!
Anyways, if�that's�everything.
Uh,�one�more�thing, sweetheart.
Could�you�help�me sort�my�pills?
All�right,�bro. Listen,�I�want�you�to�talk
to�this�little�fat�white baby�like�it's�you.
Dean,�this�is�silly. That�doesn't�even�look�like�me.
(scoffing)
Oh,�yeah.�That's�much�better.
All�right.�That'll�help,�okay?
Okay.
Hey�there,�Old�Greg, it's�Young�Greg.
Hey,�young�me.
Wow,�did�we�ever�grow�up to�be�a�cool�looking�dude.
Oh,�well.�Thank�you.
Yeah,�you�still�shit�yourself?
Dean!
Okay,�okay. For�real,�man.�Sorry.
What�did�we�do�when�we�grew�up?
Well,�um,�retail...�store.
Training�modules.
That's�all�I�become? Is�a�store�modulator?
I�don't�know. What�else�is�there?
You�don't�know,�bro?
Oh,�you�can�be�a�firefighter, a�ninja,�a�ninja-fighter.
Oh,�that's�a�good�one.
But�I�don't�know,�little�Greg. I-I--�I�don't�know!
Okay,�okay,�okay.�Okay,�bro.
I�know�what�you�need�to�do.
Yeah,�you�think�so?
Yeah,�man.
You�need�to�go�find a�dead�body.
Okay,�great.�All�done. I'll�need�to�be�getting�on�now.
Wait,�wait.�What�about�the,�uh--
-�I�can�ch-- -�About�the--
I�can�check�back�in with�you�tomorrow,�Auntie.
Jo�needs�me�back�at�the�office.
Hiya!
Night-night,�Lips.
(snoring)
Ooh,�right�here.
Agnes: Wow.�This�is�it.
The�thing�that's destroying�our�youths.
I�think�we�need to�pick�the�lock.
(groaning)
(speaking�Anishinaabemowin)
Now,�how�the�heck�do�we turn�the�stupid�thing�off?
Kiik�omaa. There's�gotta�be�a�way.
-�(powering�down) -�Easy�enough.
Ooh!
Ma,�Rita.�What�are you�guys�doing�in�here?
Knock�it�off.
No,�no. (chuckling)
Actually,�Sophia, that�bottle's�no�good.
It's�got�too�many�BPAs�in�it.
You�don't�even�know what�that�means.
Yeah,�I�do,�dummy.
It�means Bad�Parents�Association.
(gasping) Speaking�of�bad�parents,
did�you�guys�see what�Brendon�fed�his�baby?
(gasping) French�fries.
-�Doll:�Papa? -�Ho'leh.
Hey,�world's�greatest�dad,
that�little�girl just�took�your�doll.
Hey!�Give�me�back�my�son!
-�Mine! -�Doll:�Papa?
Paul:�Hey.�Miinishin!
(grunting)
Just�give�me�it.
Why...
(doll�crying)
-�...are�you... -�(doll�crying)
...so�strong!? (grunting)
How�about�I�trade�you a�brand�new�shiny�rock?
Mm!
I�know.�How�about�money?
I�only�take�debit.
What�the�hell!?
Bring�it�here�then.
God.
Can't�believe�this. Chequing.�Pin�number.
(beeping)
Hah!�But�I�didn't leave�you�a�tip.
Do�you�want�a�receipt?
I�just�want�my�head�back!
(bell�ringing)
Shit,�I'm�gonna�be�late!
This�is�it,�Dean. I'm�actually�doing�it.
I'm�off�to�find�myself.
Here.�Where�I'm�going, they�don't�need�name�tags.
Where�are�you�going?
No�idea,�but�I'll�be�back.
Well,�not�unless�you fall�in�love�or�die,
but,�like,�won't�you for�sure�need�a�name�tag
if�no�one's�gonna know�who�you�are?
Okay,�Dean. (chuckling)
Here�I�go.
I'm�gonna�go.
Wait,�there's�big�shipment coming�off�the�barge�next�week.
I�should�wait�until�then, help�if�I--
No,�dude.�Go.�I�got�this.
Huh?
Go�on,�git!
(whimpering)
I�never�liked�you�anyway.
(both�crying)
Just�go!
(both�crying)
Here,�I�completed the�assignment.�Take�him!
It's�all�there.
Does�this�doll�look�like�it's in�perfect�condition�to�you?
What�do�you�want? It�had�a�growth�spurt.
It's�not�my�fault that�it's�thriving.
Oh,�it's�your�fault.
Fine.�Here.�Look.
I've�been�meaning�to do�this�for�a�long�while.
Strike�four. You're�almost�out�of�here!
(laughing)
So,�you�come�in�here, break�into�the�band�office,
just�to�shut�off�the�internet?
We�didn't�break�in�here!
Yeah,�Roger�gave�us�the�keys.
Oh,�I�tried�to�stop�him, but�he�woke�up.
Oh,�my�God. What�am�I�doing�here?
Uh,�what's�going�on?
I'm�so--�I'm�so�old.
Cut�the�shit,�Louise.
Roger,�are�you�okay?
I�must�have�fainted�earlier.
Luckily, I�had�Louise�to�help�me.
Ma,�why�would�you�do�this?
I�tried�to�stop�him, but�he�woke�up.
Another�one!
Oh,�my�God. What�am�I�doing�here?
Ever-sick,�you.
Lips,�are�you�okay?
I�must�have�fainted, but�luckily--
Holy�shit.�You�guys�assaulted two�of�them�today,�and�for�what?
The�youth!�They're�on their�screens�too�much.
Chickadee�and�her�friends are�never�outside.
I'm�worried,�Jo.
Well,�that's�a�fair�point, but�was�this�really
the�smartest�way�to get�the�youth�outside?
Hey,�Jo.�Come�look.
(kids�laughing)
You�see,�my�girl? I�miss�that�sound.
Mm.
Hey,�Lips.
Maybe�we�should�leave the�internet�off
a�little�bit�longer.
Sure�thing,�Chief.
I�think�some�of�those�youth are�slashing�tires�outside.
(women�laughing)
So,�this�is�Rez�Simulator?
Hey,�I�kind�of�like�it.
Like�it?�How�come�you�never told�me�it�was�this�much�fun?
Wait,�we�can�just frolic�in�the�bush?
Yup.
And�the�graphics�are�so�good.
Agnes:
Hey,�someone�just�BCRd�me!
Yo,�Chickadee, toss�me�a�blanket.
Mm.
Kookums�these�days.
Ah,�holy�shit!
(grunting)
?�I�thought�wanted to�be�stronger�?
?�More�like�one�of�the�boys�?
?�I�turn�it�up�a�little�louder, started�making�some�noise�?
?�Then�I�knew,�then�I�knew just�how�strong�I�could�be�?
?�Yeah,�let�me�tell�you what�it�means�to�me�?
?�Girls�are�okay,�okay�?
?�We're�okay�?
?�Girls�are�okay,�okay�?
?�Us�girls�are�okay�?
?�They're�holding�it�down, not�messing�around�?
?�Girls�running their�own�world�now�?
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