Original subtitles

Right.

He's going to live in your bedroom, is he?

Unless you want to take him.

I've already got a sex doll under my bed, Rachel.

OK. Life updates, bullet points, though. I value my time.

Uh, Josh is now a clone of his dad, but I've met someone new who I think

will support the life I want.

Order boys are all the same, Rachel.

The only thing stronger than their desire for sex

is their fear of sex.

There's really no point in... Holy shit!

This guy's in the Order?

He must have joined recently, otherwise I'd have ploughed him.

His tattoos are Bible verses.

And my boner's dead. OK, chop, chop.

Gotta take this design student to a craft fair.

She's shy, blonde,

doesn't know she likes girls yet. She's exactly my type.

I still can't believe you got to go to uni and I didn't.

Rewarded for dishonesty.

Welcome to the real shitty world.

I love the real shitty world.

Careful!

MOBILE PINGS

Oh, no. To qualify as a paramedic, I need a driver's licence.

Do you think my parents will pay for lessons?

Rachel, I'm not committing blasphemy when I say,

"I am the Lord of the road."

We couldn't just pay for an intensive course?

Oh, this will be intensive.

Now, rev.

ENGINE REVS GENTLY

I said, "Rev!"

ENGINE REVS LOUDER

Now, lift!

ENGINE STOPS

OK, that was a stall.

That'll happen about a third of the time.

I'm really worried, Melissa.

Yeah, I can hear David destroying your car.

You hate that car.

As long as he doesn't kill your daughter, it's all upside.

I mean, about Aaron.

He won't leave his room.

It's match day at church and he says, now Andrew's lost,

Samson's just going to pair him with a girl one day.

Sorry, Andrew?

Fiona, do you have any spare matches?

I'm going to burn all the suits in my wardrobe. I have matches.

No! Sorry, Andrew, no matches here.

Aw, he looks well.

So, have you spoken to Aaron about the not liking girls thing?

Um, actually, David handled that chat.

He took Aaron to an abandoned trailer.

Sorry, David is handling your child's sexuality?

That's grounds for calling social services.

I don't suppose you would...have a...? Oh, right.

Oh, because I'm the only lesbian you know,

you want me to gay-whisper your son.

Yeah, all right, then.

That girl has no aptitude for driving.

Getting her to my level? We're talking years, probably never.

What's for dinner? Microwave Shepherd's pie in the fridge.

Hmm. Microwave.

I remember when you used to make it yourself, with love.

Well, we microwave it now.

Do you want me to put it in for you?

As long as it's done with love.

How did it go?

Right, I've made a deal with Aaron.

He's going to come out of his room and you're going to plaster

your religious shop with his super gay designs. Right.

Why am I doing that? Cos you're a good mum, Fiona. Yeah.

Well, Abijah's alone, but at least I can witness

you getting your match.

Maybe I'll even vicariously share in some of your joy.

Wouldn't that be nice, Josh,

if I vicariously shared in some of your joy?

FIONA: Oh!

A nice reformed boy who recanted his sinful ways.

Did you choose him, Rachel? You may as well tell me.

It's about to be common knowledge.

Surely we find out confidentially?

You'll be wanting to hear your confidential matches

and here they are, on the jumbo screen.

AUDIENCE GASPS

Rachel and... Josh, you didn't tell me your nickname was Jeb.

I don't get it. Who could she possibly pick over you?

Oh, that guy.

Yeah, that tracks.

Remember to get a chaperone.

One couple has already asked about so-called physical compatibility -

they'll be given two chaperones.

Josh, can I just say...?

You want space? If I had a penny for every time people wanted space.

Josh, please don't be angry. Oh, I'm not angry.

I'm a bit sad, maybe, but I'll pray on it.

I've got plenty of time to pray - since I'm unmatched.

Joshua, come meet your match.

But I only chose Rachel. Yeah, I dealt with that.

This is Heather.

She's modest, polite, and she's agreed to report

on your actions periodically.

Hi, Heather. WHISPERS: Hi, Josh.

What? WHISPERS: Hi, Josh.

Hey? What are you...? WHISPERS: Hi, Josh. Glad we matched.

We had a great chat.

I don't remember hearing you speak.

STILL WHISPERING: I couldn't shut up.

Hey. Hey.

SHE SNIFFS LOUDLY

Well, Josh, Rachel may not have picked you, but I have.

And, in a show of loyalty, I will chaperone your date with Heather.

Abijah, could you chaperone me and Rachel? You seem cool.

LAUGHING: Oh, Jeb, I'd be delighted.

So, it looks like I'm doing Rachel and Jeb too, double date.

We could do it all together -

more efficient and more fun.

Jeb thinks I'm cool.

DAVID: Rachel, what is that cursed almanac?

It's the Highway Code.

No.

The only code we follow is the law of the Almighty.

This car has been baptised in God's glory.

Why do you think motorists always give me such a wide berth?

Cos you take motorways in second gear.

Yes, an advanced manoeuvre.

Is this going to be one of your long lessons, Dad?

I want my licence, but...I also have my date later.

She wants a job. She wants a date.

She is the modern woman.

Will we be done by 5pm?

Rachel, allow me to reframe your question as an insult.

Your driving ability is null. Here in the wheel world,

you just don't got it.

But I think I know the reason why.

Be honest, are you afraid of driving?

No. Well, that's why.

Dad! Use the fear, Rachel.

Somewhere inside you is a force,

a force that can find the biting point.

LOUD CLUNK

What's in the boot? Many heavy objects. Why?

Just asking that question proves you're not ready.

Queer craft market.

I reckon Aaron could find his chosen family here.

Aren't I his chosen family?

No. You're the fucked up one he's stuck with.

Aaron's T-shirts are selling well,

even better than my stock.

Fiona, and I mean this in a nice way,

your stock is puritanical dross, but this...

..Noah's Ark with gays going in two-by-two, your son's a genius.

Oh, gay Jesus.

This would really aggravate my dad. How much?

Julia! You two know each other?

We watched a sad man have sex in a car park together.

You don't forget a bond like that.

Fiona, I'm going to take a break and talk to Julia

because you don't pay me and I can do what I want.

How are you doing?

Better.

Thanks for doing this, Mum.

Thank you.

Sales are great, even after my 50% Order donation.

You give 50% to Samson?

He's supposed to be God's vessel.

You think God's vessel is an irate homophobe

who makes a Abijah clear asbestos from the roof by hand?

Guys, Julia can get us into a day rave. What's a day rave?

It's a rave during the day. Right. Yes.

What's a rave?

I think you'll like it, Aaron.

Will I like it?

I think you'll find it difficult, like most things.

DAVID: 20-degree incline, soul-shaking cobblestones

and a boot loaded with mass.

If you can hill start here, you can hill start anywhere.

Yeah, I'm not doing this, Dad. You think it's impossible?

I think it's stupid.

Well, I defy the impossible.

Out of the car.

Crest the hill to witness my triumph.

I'll see you at the top.

QUIETLY: Faithless child.

ENGINE REVS

Are you beginning to believe?

The Highway Code can't tell you how to do that.

Ooh.

Oh.

Don't worry.

Quick prayer.

That car will be fine.

PEOPLE SCREAM

Oh. CAR HORNS BLARE

CAR HORN BEEPS

CAR BRAKES SCREECH

You see?

And now that nice man is making sure everything is O...

..K.

Do you reckon that would've happened

if you hadn't filled the car with weights?

Rachel, I don't think that question helps anyone but yourself.

Yes. Just reporting a stolen vehicle.

No, it was unlocked and the keys were inside

after I rolled it down a hill.

Because I filled the boot with weights to test my daughter.

Sorry, what part of this do you not understand?

DOOR CLOSES

OK, pass me to a superior.

I'm going to need at least a sergeant on this.

Dad, I'm getting the bus to my date.

But it should be said, you are a bad driving instructor. Hmm.

You undertake people.

You use your hazards instead of indicating.

So the other drivers know I could go in any direction.

And you tell me to actively hug the rumble strip.

The strip tells you where you are.

It's your friend, Rachel.

Just take a look at yourself, for a change.

Sorry, that was just my daughter telling me to take a look at myself.

Well, who are you to say that she's right?

Welcome, guys.

Sharpen your spurs and saddle up for some romance,

cos we are here, in the Wild West, and anything can happen...

HE LAUGHS

..except for kissing, hand-holding and touching of any kind.

We are sitting separately, right?

Totally. Er, so you guys over there, you guys over there.

And I shall be your watchful sheriff.

We're sat opposite each other.

Hold your horses, Joshua.

You haven't seen...

..the Abijah divider.

So you have privacy from each other,

but not from me. Please don't touch it, it took so long to make.

Sorry, I forgot to hug you hello.

Well, we're not supposed to hug because it's against the rules.

I might grab one of those as well. Oh.

Oh. OK, so shall we hug then? Let's not push it, Josh.

Right, what are we having?

Oh, yes! They brought back the Six-Shooter Sundae.

They must have got my emails.

LOUD DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Could I have two gay Jesus,

one gay Noah and the Last Supper where everyone's gay?

Preach.

Thank you. How old is he?

16. I should know,

he's our surrogate son. Really? Yes.

I love my wife.

Sure.

That was the straightest hug I've ever had

and I was closeted for a decade.

And the bawl of a steer, To a cowboy's ear

Is music of sweetest strain.

That's from A Cowboy's Life by Anonymous.

The sheriff's talking too much, isn't he?

The sheriff will shut his bazoo.

So, I like your clothes, but

I thought shirt and tie was the rule. It is the rule.

Don't speak over the divider, please, Josh.

But are all rules equal?

Sure, The Ten Commandments, they're a big deal.

But petty little regulations like,

"Don't covet your neighbour's wife..."

Oh!

It's funny cos that literally is the 10th commandment.

Yeah, and I knew that as well. I don't think he was joking, Rachel.

She laughed, Josh, that means it was a joke.

Take the birthday rule, have you ever celebrated one?

No, no, course not, they're Pagan. OK, but would our creator

really mind us saying thanks for being created once a year?

I don't think he would, Jeb. Mm-mm.

I don't think he would.

On your next birthday, I'll get you your first birthday cake, OK?

Yeah.

Sure. Sounds great.

Look at you guys,

all covered in chemistry.

And how's it going over here, J and H?

You panning for gold or are you trapped in Tumbleweed Town?

WHISPERS: Why is he like this?

Hey, Heather,

I've got a shake in my boot.

That's really funny, Abijah.

Do you think so? That's the best joke I've ever heard.

We've sold out...of everything.

Not your "God is the Way" tees.

I've been hiding those deliberately out of shame.

Shall we pack up and, er, go home? Yep.

Oi!

VIP entrance.

Let's get fucked up.

Come on, then!

Shots! £2 shots, anyone?

Hey! £2 shots?

Oh, thank you for offering, but I'm quite scared.

WHISPERS: Can I try some of your...?

Yeah, sure.

Did you get any?

I got it.

There's no bite marks.

I got it.

Well, the car got stolen,

so now I need to find a way to learn how to drive.

I'll help you. That was quick.

Sorry, guys, I've had a lot of Wagon burger.

What are we talking about?

I was about to offer to teach you myself.

That would hardly be appropriate, would it?

You're dating, you need a chaperone.

We wouldn't need a chaperone for a driving lesson, would we, Abijah?

You should know, you're the elder.

The best elder.

Whatever you say, Jeb. I can't say no to those eyes.

OK, Jeb, looks like I'll learn with you.

Awesome. You pick the tunes, I'll find a quiet road.

One Six-Shooter Sundae? Ha! For the sheriff.

Yee-hah!

Just put it down anywhere.

Can I just move...? Absolutely not.

Enjoy. Thank you.

Heather.

My family think I'm useless, Gideon.

What do you think?

CAT PURRS

Mm.

I'm just going to lay my head in there with you.

I need your soothing purrs.

That's OK, right?

CAT MEOWS LOUDLY Ow!

CAT HISSES

You too, huh?

I see how it is.

DOORBELL RINGS

David, hi. Maude

What are you doing...? Are you OK? What have they done to you?

I'm perfectly fine.

Just worried that my wife, son, daughter and cat hate me.

Well...

..families and cats do like the familiar.

Some of us are too unique for the common crowd.

My daughter thinks I'm a bad driving instructor,

just cos I took her to an absurdly steep hill.

What was the incline? 20 degrees.

Well, if she can do a hill start there,

she can do a hill start anywhere.

Thank you.

I don't know.

Maybe I do need to look at my behaviour.

Why would you do that?

David, I think you're perfect,

just as you are.

You don't even know me.

I know enough.

Maude, was there a reason that you...? Hmm.

Is that home-made shepherd's pie?

My wife makes that for me all the time, so...

Really?

Cos you're looking at it as though you haven't seen one in years.

Did you come far to bring that here?

No...

..just a 90-minute walk.

Try it.

You want me to...try your pie...in front of you?

That's right, David.

Go on.

Mmm.

Good boy.

Well, I shall take my leave.

Hug goodbye?

I don't think that would be appropriate.

Did you not enjoy our hug the other day?

I just thought perhaps,

when you're not getting hugs in the marriage,

that getting them elsewhere can only strengthen the relationship.

Maybe another time.

Goodbye, David.

Be careful, David.

Be very careful.

Is there a flag for what I am?

You're a straight ally, Mum.

Oh. So you're the rainbow bits

and I'm the plain black and white.

Fair enough, that is the energy I bring.

Aaron...

..I think I know what to spend the money on.

We have a gift for you.

Andrew's not worthy of a gift.

Then why does it bear your name?

I feel...better.

I feel powerful.

I feel like Andrew. Elder...

..Andrew.

He looks healthy, doesn't he, Mum?

Yes.

Very, very healthy.

CLINKING ON GLASS

Good news.

70% of my pairings are continuing their courtship.

Those of you who dropped out will be re-paired to connect

with their fellow losers.

Elder, I won't be donating this month

and, before you can ask why, I'm going to get some squash.

Are you responsible for this?

How could I be?

I'm only 13.

Same age as David when he pebbled Goliath.

What a pebble. What a guy.

Ah, the prodigal son returns.

Andrew, how's your fragile mind?

Samson, enforced courtship breaks the 2008 charter,

surely you know that?

Now, if you pushed for a new rule,

I need to know how and I need to know why.

So, how about we elders...have a chat?

A nice, long Biblical chat.

A Biblical chat? Biblical chat.

A Biblical chat.

Hold that sip, Fiona. If you'll follow me to the street,

there's something parked there shaped like a surprise.

I thought you said it was new.

Yes.

This is the same.

No.

The same make, model, colour and engine capacity,

but this is a completely different Nissan Sunny.

I scoured the Internet.

You mean, you went out of your way to source

a carbon copy of a car I've always hated?

Not a carbon copy.

This one has a broken radio.

So, tomorrow we hit the road, Jeb-style.

You pumped?

Yeah.

Did you pass first time?

No, but the examiner said I smelt amazing.

I see physical contact, row two. Stop that now.

Sorry, guys.

Save it for the honeymoon.

Wow! He has really toned forearms.

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