Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Good evening.

What can I do for ya?

I want some milk.

You want some milk?

I want some milk.

Okay.

I'll go get you some milk.

What kind of milk do you want?

You want whole milk?

Skim milk, chocolate milk?

What is this?

Is this some kind of weird internet prank video thing?

I take it you don't really want the milk.

Cool mask by the way.

Did your mommy make that for ya?

Look.

Nobody.

You wanna buy something...

Buy something, but if not I'm gonna have

to ask you to leave.

I'm not supposed to have customers in here after 11.

Seriously though, what's with the mask?

What, you don't talk?

I want some milk.

That the only thing you say?

Look, if you're waiting for me to do something stupid

so you can get it on camera,

forget about it, it's not gonna happen.

This is it!

Feast your eyes.

Fuck it.

I'm bored, I'll play along.

What do you want me to do?

What's gonna make the best video?

You want me to bark like a dog,

or do some kind of weird dance?

Act like I got Tourettes?

Fucking shit, fuck pussy face ass

cheek dick fuck!

What about...

Crazy straw man, look at all the straws, straws, straws!

You're welcome.

Show's over.

I think I've been more than patient

and accommodating, it's really time for you to go.

I mean it please.

Stop, I'm serious, stop, would you get that thing

out of my fucking face?

Please just.

Wait, all right, just,

there's not a lot in the register,

but you can have it, all right, just,

I'm gonna get a bag.

I won't call the cops, I won't tell anybody.

I'll just stay here all night until the shift is over.

And it's fine, okay, just,

will you say something please?

Please!

You want me to get on the ground?

You don't have to do this, okay, just,

you can just go and then that's it, it's over.

Come on,

you don't have to do, you don't have to do this,

I haven't seen your face, I haven't seen your face,

I haven't seen your face, and the money's right there.

Just please, I have a family, I have a family.

I have a baby, I have a baby.

My wife, and a baby.

Please, please, please.

Give me the fucking thing!

The fuck, what the fuck is this?

Is this a fucking toy?

What is this, a fucking fake gun?

Oh shit, holy shit, holy shit,

holy fucking shit.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

What we have here is a perfect example.

And this is exactly why our forefathers drafted

the Second Amendment, pow!

See this here?

That's what's called sanity and that's why

I'm sitting pretty at home.

That other guy, he's pissing his pants

while at the mercy of some tween cunt rag.

This shit is nuts.

I don't know if it's fucking real.

So scary with your cool little mask

and your dumb looking gun.

It's a performance, you know, it's a performance.

Fucking shit fuck pussy face ass cheek dick fuck!

I don't even know what to say about all this.

This dude pissed himself.

How you gonna pee yourself?

You know there's a camera, what the fuck, dude?

I don't know if it's corporate America

trying to fuck with our brains.

Vanna and I loved your video.

She wasn't really gonna hurt him

but he got so scared that he peed on himself.

Who does that to a person?

I'm really hoping that was a fake gun.

I usually, I don't condone this type of bullshit

but it's just too good to pass up,

so I gotta see some crazy shit.

Straws, straws, straws, straws!

- That was insane. - I'm the straw man.

I'm the straw man.

Kudos to that chick.

You think you're the only one with this, man

what's up, girl?

Take some money, take some money,

I'm the straw man, take some money.

You have a girl holding you at gunpoint

has more balls than you do, hombre.

♪ Making people wet their pants

♪ Kiya

This is a dramatic presentation.

Bonjour you sexy humans and extra terrestrials.

Burt Waldon here.

I've been seeing way too much of these attention starved

whore bag on my feed.

I mean what the actual fuck?

Congratulations, Kiya, you've made some deadbeat townie cry

and piss himself while bringing joy to the lives

of bumble fuck incest ridden hillbillies

with your fake gun.

Fake.

Just like you.

You're just another fame obsessed junkie

trying to make the biggest splash you can

before you shit out a kid and die of cancer.

Here's the cold hard truth, Kiya.

You're just as insignificant now

as you were yesterday as you will be in a week.

You're a nobody, nobody.

Everything about you is fabricated because you're garbage.

You're absolute garbage.

Putrid, grotesque, and plague inducing.

Here's my advice to you.

Do us all a favor and slit your wrist.

We're all running out of clean water and oil.

Be the bigger person here

and remember go vertical.

Once cancer cells appear,

they soon develop into a clump of tissue

that lives at the expense of the entire body.

Turn that off.

Huh?

I don't want that on me.

Why?

If you don't turn that off...

You're not being safe.

If I stop recording, will you get pancakes with me?

Hi.

Hi.

Tell me a story.

Story?

Yeah, tell me a story.

All right.

This one time,

I don't know, I think that one's kind of boring.

Can we just, I'd rather just sit here.

Nope.

Actually first, if you could be any kind of animal,

what kind of animal would you be?

Like a?

Maybe something in the water.

Something big.

And just floating around.

Like maybe one of those big things,

they swallow everything.

It has fish on its back.

A whale shark.

That's the biggest kind of shark.

Do you think you'd be a whale shark?

I wouldn't mind.

Okay tell me a story.

I like your beard.

Now tell me your story.

If I tell you a story...

Can we just eat after?

Yeah.

Give me a second here.

Okay I have to pee, so you think on it.

Think on it real hard, think of your best story

and then I'll come back and I'll sit here

and I'll drink this coffee and I'll listen.

I'm really good at that.

Yeah, front desk.

Do you remember me?

What do you mean?

I checked in a couple of hours ago.

Do you remember what I look like?

Real pretty, young face, yeah I remember.

How young?

Not too young.

Are you sure?

Um.

Do you want to fuck me?

Okay, okay, okay.

Can I see your face?

No.

I can live with that.

What's going on with all the plastic?

In case we make a mess.

Who's that little guy?

He doesn't have a name.

What's the raw deal?

Why did you come to my room?

I don't know,

I guess I

feel I would've regretted it if I didn't.

Regret what?

Not fucking you.

Take off your shirt.

How old are you again?

17.

17.

Is that a problem?

I didn't think so.

Hey, what are you,

wait a minute.

♪ Interstellar

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey I'm afraid I'm gonna have to say no to the camera.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to insist.

Turn off the fucking camera.

Why?

Don't you want to watch yourself fuck me on TV?

Are you out of your mind?

No one's going to see it but us.

And whoever else you show it to.

Oh yeah, are you gonna give me the tape?

You bet.

Then what's in the bag?

Treats.

Treats.

Catch.

Enough.

That's enough.

♪ Transformation

Stop.

Shh.

You have to finish what you started.

Okay,

I can eat anything.

I can eat everything.

♪ Lift that

Enough, enough.

Enough!

You're going to eat or you're going to bleed.

Which is it?

Fuck you.

♪ Change

♪ Change

You shouldn't play with strangers,

you might have too much fun.

Why do you have so much stuff in your car?

Why'd you shoot me?

I was just having fun.

Good answer.

Where are your parents?

What's in your trunk?

- Julia. - I gotta go.

Wait.

Yeah?

Do you wanna see what's in my trunk?

Julia, come on, let's go.

If I let you sit in the back,

are you gonna give me any shit.

Listen, I know that I might not be

your favorite person right now,

but let's be honest, you probably don't have

the best judge of character.

The way I see it is we've got a long road ahead of us

and I think we'd both benefit

from some good conversation.

All right?

Is that your motel?

Yeah, basically.

What do you mean basically?

It was my dad's, he's dead and...

Left it to me and my brother, he's dead now too.

So do you live there?

Yeah.

I had a house but the storm took it.

Amongst other things.

What other things?

That's a weird question.

The rooms, they're really beautiful,

how did you...

What is this, 60 Minutes?

What's 60 Minutes?

I painted them.

You painted them?

Yeah.

By yourself?

By myself.

What's with all the bags of spray paint?

So were you in my room?

Yep.

When?

Right after I knocked you out.

What's the hardest drug you've ever taken.

- Acid. - Acid.

Bet you never felt anything like 97 cents in a paper bag.

What's the worst thing you've ever done?

You've gotta earn that.

You can't just ask something like that,

I don't know you, I don't know you at all.

This should be more of a conversation not an interrogation.

You know, a little more of a back and forth.

What do you wanna know?

Um, well let's start with a name,

that's what two people do when they don't know each other.

My name is Marshall.

Kiya.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Kiya.

You got family?

Everybody does.

Where are they, your mom and dad?

You like little girls?

What's that about?

Do you like little girls?

What's that supposed to mean?

Yeah, you know what, I like them when they're ripe.

And I'll tell you one thing, you can't put a number on that.

Nothing's that simple, nothing.

Nothing.

Never.

I think I like you more than I thought I would.

That's good, that's a good thing, right?

Why didn't you name your rat?

It doesn't need a name.

It doesn't know the difference.

That's true, but then again the name

isn't for the rat, is it?

Hm.

Funny thing about pets.

You gotta keep them from running away.

I'm gonna put you back in the trunk.

Why?

Was it something I said?

No.

Next level snuff shit.

Tied a man to his bed.

No, no, it's not a sex thing.

It could've turned into that later, I don't know.

And then she force fed him until he vomited.

Can you believe what we just watched?

This girl's nasty.

Hey I'm hungry, why don't you come over here and feed me?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Obviously this is a feminazi.

It back, eat that shit!

I'm happy for you.

You've made a friend.

This is a big step.

Sure you had to kidnap someone to get there,

but hey we all have to start somewhere.

Who raised you?

Where did you come from?

Were you a feral child?

How did you turn into such a deplorable human being?

But what I want to know above all else

is how in the world have you managed to get away

with all of this?

I realize it's only been a few days

since you held up the convenience store,

but holy shit, are all cops just universally incompetent?

I don't know what's more fucked.

This moronic society inhabited by drooling imbeciles

who consume nothing but shit.

The mentally defective human lumps

in charge of policing said truly imbeciles or you.

A walking, narcissistic shit generating factory

that feeds the dumb and the blind

to fuel your ego while you ride some vapid dopamine rush.

You're the epitome of what's wrong everything.

A dumb, bored bitch with a cellphone and a shitty plan.

Fuck everyone, they all deserve your fucking toxic

brain numbing bullshit.

And this is fun for me.

Thanks to you, I get a front row seat

to watching humanity crumble and devolve

and it's all being meticulously broadcast

by apes with cams.

I love you, Kiya.

You are my everything.

You know, I gotta admit that kid,

makes a whole lot of fucking sense.

Hey all right, all right.

Let's get the little guy.

Is that my gun?

So that tape of me vomiting,

you put that on the internet.

Yep.

How many people have seen it?

964,932 the last time I checked.

Almost a million people watched me vomit.

Open your mouth.

What's that?

It's a horse tranquilizer.

- Ah. - Ah.

Oh my god, that smell.

There's nothing like it.

Can I, can I, can I, can I?

Oh Jesus.

Jesus.

Oh God.

You're gorgeous.

But goodness you have a weird way.

Like a...

Strange wicked way.

Okay.

I don't know what this is.

What is this thing?

Hey.

You're fucking with me.

Marshall.

Stop fighting the tranquilizer.

It's for horses.

I can take a horse.

- Oh yeah? - Yeah.

There are flying saucers.

There's no doubt they are in our skies.

They've been there for some time.

What are we going to do about them?

Who knows?

Then they really are there.

I thought you were convinced of that.

I am.

You've had contact with them.

Contact, how?

Radio.

They speak our language?

Well not quite.

We receive messages from their spaceships.

For awhile it came in as just a lot of jumbled noise.

And now sir?

Well since they first tried contact with us

by radio, we've developed a language computer.

A machine that breaks down any language to our own.

Hey.

What's with your room?

My room?

Swirling vortex in your ceiling.

I don't know.

I just stare at it.

Passes the time I guess.

Are you scared of me?

Shit.

You might be the best thing that ever happened to me.

See, he knows.

Okay Sally G says, OMG, a rainbow done pool

out of his mouth.

You should attach a GoPro to a dildo

and ram it up his ass.

What's a GoPro?

It's a little camera.

Sally G says to attach a little camera

to a dildo and shove it up my ass?

Sure sounds that way.

How big's a GoPro?

It's tiny.

Well like how big?

Fuck Sally G, what's next?

Tim Tim, Tim Tim says, he looks like a piece of shit,

he probably has AIDs.

You should gut him and toss him in the river.

Wear rubber gloves, faggot.

You know what, fuck Tim Tim.

He's got two first names.

You know a lot of people are saying

I should shoot you.

You won't shoot him.

What?

This ends right here.

Burt.

Who?

Shoot him.

Answer me honestly.

If you weren't you.

Would you want to see me shoot you?

I can't ask you.

You're the guy being shot, of course you're gonna say no.

You shoot me, you're fucked.

They're gonna lock your ass up forever.

Just go home.

They'll give you community service and a book deal.

You think so?

Yeah, you haven't done anything

that a pretty girl can't get away with.

Cash out while you still have the chance to.

It's for the view.

What if there's more to see?

Okay, are you ready?

Go.

Go!

Bang.

Marshall.

I missed.

- Okay, okay. - Oh shit.

Okay, stay still.

Wait.

Marshall.

- God! - Marshall.

I forgot to record.

You're doing great.

Marshall.

Marshall, talk to me.

I can't.

I feel weird.

You have to, you have to,

you're gonna pass out, talk to me.

Something...

Feel.

Don't touch it, stop touching it,

you're gonna make it worse.

Shit.

Jesus, pushing, something's pushing.

I feel like my arm is giving birth.

Marshall, you're bleeding, okay?

We're gonna fix it, nothing is coming out of your arm.

We need to think positive thoughts.

Snow days, hedgehogs,

- coming. - Coming.

- Sushi. - Coming, I like sushi.

I like sushi.

Michael Jackson, Froot Loops,

Michael Jackson eating Froot Loops,

don't touch it, stop touching it.

There's an eel coming out of my arm!

What?

There's an eel coming out of my arm.

That's impossible,

there's no fucking eel coming out of your arm.

I can feel it, I can feel it,

I can see it.

Marshall, it's not an eel.

Oh my god, it's a fucking eel,

you have a fucking eel coming out of your arm!

It is, it is, let it out, let it out!

It's going, it's going!

Is it going?

Unfortunately in life, there are times

when someone receives such a significant injury

that a tourniquet may have to be applied.

Hello, I'm Captain Jim Johnson

and today I'm gonna show you how to apply a tourniquet.

So Lisa here appears to be in quite a bit of pain

and I can see that there's bleeding from the arm.

So real quick, I wanna do a head to toe assessment

to see if there are any more serious wounds.

So Lisa, are you experiencing any pain

aside from the wound in your arm?

Everything is gonna be okay, Lisa.

We're gonna get you help and we're gonna stop the bleeding.

Take a wide bandage or some other type of cloth material

and place it right above the wound.

Make an overhand knot,

make it tight.

Next place a pen over that knot

with another overhand knot.

Tight.

Next, rotate that pen

until the bleeding stops.

Just know that applying a tourniquet

is a last resort and may result in Lisa losing her arm.

Congratulations you may have just saved someone's life.

Okay, I think we're in tourniquet territory.

Good god.

You are losing a lot of blood.

No shit.

I'm gonna end up with a stuffer for an arm

if I'm lucky.

Listen, get me a god damn tourniquet

and bring me to a hospital.

Are you experiencing any other plan

besides the bullet wound?

Fuck you, fuck you.

Listen, I'm gonna die in this tub

if you don't get your shit together.

Oh shit.

Things are getting really narrow.

Look, you are not going to die.

I am not taking you to a hospital.

Just drop me off and go.

Marshall.

Marshall, Marshie!

Marshall, shit!

Marshall, Marshall.

Shit!

Marshall.

What did I tell you?

97 cents in a paper bag.

Tell me a story.

Come on.

You're a little shit.

You got one?

I guess.

I'm excited.

Well don't get your hopes up.

It was like, um, five years ago.

Everybody was waiting for the storm to hit.

I thought I had enough time to

board up my motel

so I left my house

and I left my kid there.

Well it turns out,

the storm rolled in early and I...

I got stuck in the flood and I couldn't get

back in time.

The motel was under water.

The house got hit pretty bad.

Lift the whole roof up.

It was the worst thing I ever did.

She...

She's probably your age now.

I don't know, have you even graduated high school yet?

Have you ever done this before?

I can't see you.

It's...

It's...

Hey, hey.

Hey Kiya.

Kiya.

Huh?

Do you hear traffic?

A little.

Do you think the front door's open.

Where's the rat?

Oh no.

Shit, shit, shit, shit.

What?

- I think he ran. - He ran?

Well go get him.

I got him.

Hey, just so you know,

I could've fucked you.

You're just another fame obsessed junkie

trying to make the biggest splash you can

before you shit out a kid and die of cancer.

Subtitles by explosiveskull