Original subtitles

♪ ♪

NO

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

John: WELCOME, WELCOME,

WELCOME, TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"

I'M JOHN OLIVER.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING

US.

IT HAS BEEN VERY MUCH A WEEK.

AND OBVIOUSLY, WE'RE GOING TO

GET TO THE ELECTION IN A MINUTE.

BUT IF YOU'VE BEEN CONSUMED BY

IT ALL WEEK, YOU MAY'VE MISSED

SOME SMALLER STORIES THAT GOT

BURIED, LIKE THE HEADLINE,

"43 MONKEYS REMAIN ON THE RUN

FROM SOUTH CAROLINA LAB.

CEO THINKS THEY'RE HAVING AN

ADVENTURE."

OR THE NEWS THAT A MESSAGE IN A

BOTTLE HAD BEEN FOUND IN AN

ONTARIO LAKE AFTER 26 YEARS.

OR THE DEATH OF ELWOOD EDWARDS,

THE VOICE OF AOL'S "WELCOME" AND

"YOU'VE GOT MAIL" NOTIFICATIONS

WHO DIED JUST ONE DAY SHY OF

HIS 75TH BIRTHDAY.

HE WAS, BY ALL ACCOUNTS, A VERY

KIND MAN AND HIS LAST WORDS

WERE, FITTINGLY:

GOODBYE.

John: BIT OF FUN!

WE'RE HAVING FUN, AREN'T WE?

OF COURSE WE ARE!

WE ARE HAVING A LITTLE TASTE OF

FUN.

AND I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THAT FUN,

BECAUSE THE REST OF THE SHOW IS

GOING TO BE ABOUT THE FACT THAT,

ON TUESDAY, TRUMP WON

REELECTION.

WHICH IS, TO PUT IT MILDLY, NOT

WHAT I WAS PERSONALLY HOPING

WOULD HAPPEN.

AND HONESTLY, IN TRUMP'S VICTORY

SPEECH, HE COULDN'T SEEM TO

BELIEVE IT, EITHER.

WE OVERCAME OBSTACLES THAT

NOBODY THOUGHT POSSIBLE, AND IT

IS NOW CLEAR THAT WE'VE ACHIEVED

THE MOST INCREDIBLE POLITICAL--

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED!

IS THIS CRAZY?

John: YEAH, IT IS CRAZY!

IT'S REALLY FUCKING CRAZY.

HE'S BASICALLY ONE SENTENCE AWAY

FROM SAYING, "I MEAN, YOU GUYS

SAW WHAT I DID, RIGHT?

AND YOU STILL VOTED FOR THIS?

THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!"

AND I KNOW BEING A SHAMBLING

VERBAL MESS IS PART OF TRUMP'S

BRAND, BUT IT'S STILL INCREDIBLE

TO SEE AN INCOMING PRESIDENT

AD LIB A VICTORY SPEECH WITH THE

SAME ENERGY AS A BEST MAN WHO

DIDN'T REALIZE HE HAD TO GIVE A

TOAST.

"WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY, WHAT A

BEAUTIFUL...

BEAUTY.

TODAY, MY BROTHER AND HIS

GIRLFRIEND-- WIFE, SORRY...

TODAY, THEY DID THE THING, YOU

ALL SAW IT.

I THOUGHT MY PART WAS

DONE WITH THE BACHELOR PARTY,

BUT HERE WE GO.

MARRIAGE, IT'S CRAZY, RIGHT?

IT'S CRAZY!"

LOOK, IT'S BEEN A ROUGH WEEK.

AND IF YOU'RE ANYTHING LIKE ME

-- FIRST, AS ALWAYS, MY DEEPEST

SYMPATHIES-- BUT IT'S PROBABLY

BEEN HARD TO DEAL WITH ANYTHING

OTHER THAN THIS.

THE TINIEST MOMENTS THIS WEEK,

WHERE THE WORLD WAS GOING ON

LIKE NOTHING HAD HAPPENED, COULD

BE SUDDENLY ENRAGING-- WHETHER

IT WAS A TEXT FROM A RELATIVE

INVITING YOU TO THANKSGIVING--

NOT NOW, AUNT GWEN!

OR AN ALERT ABOUT A RECIPE FOR

ROAST CHICKEN--

NOT NOW, "NEW YORK TIMES!"

OR HELLO KITTY ACTUALLY POSTING

THIS WORD SEARCH ON TWITTER ON

WEDNESDAY, ASKING FOLLOWERS,

"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO

THIS MONTH?"

HEY!

HELLO KITTY!

NOT FUCKING NOW!

I'D LOVE TO TELL YOU WHAT I'M

LOOKING FORWARD TO BUT AS I

CAN'T FIND "DRINKING MY LIGHTS

OUT" AND "HOUSING SOME

GRIEF-MAC-AND-CHEESE" ON YOUR

STUPID PUZZLE!

GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

PEOPLE ON TWITTER EVEN GOT MAD

AT THIS TEASER FOR A NEW TYLA

SONG:

♪ ♪

THAT WAS POSTED ON TWITTER THE

DAY AFTER THE ELECTION, ONLY TO

GET RESPONSES LIKE, "NOT NOW,

GIRL, NOT NOW" AND "TYLA READING

THE ROOM" WITH A GIF OF

LEA MICHELE, BEFORE A TON OF

REPLIES CORRECTLY POINTING OUT

"SHE IS LITERALLY

SOUTH AFRICAN?"

"NOBODY'S HAPPY THAT TRUMP WON,

INCLUDING ME, BUT SHE IS

LITERALLY NOT AN AMERICAN.

WHAT DO Y'ALL WANT FROM HER?"

WHICH IS FAIR!

PEOPLE IN OTHER COUNTRIES ARE

ALLOWED TO BUFF THEIR

JEAN SHORTS.

THEY DIDN'T PUT US IN THIS

SITUATION.

WE DID!

AND HONESTLY, IF YOU'RE WATCHING

THIS RIGHT NOW AND THINKING,

"YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M NOT ACTUALLY READY FOR

THIS," I TOTALLY GET IT!

IT IS UNDERSTANDABLE NOT TO WANT

YET ANOTHER GUY IN A SUIT

DOOM-SQUAWKING AT YOU.

SO IF YOU'RE TOO ANGRY,

DEPRESSED, OR WORRIED TO WATCH

THE REST OF THIS SHOW, NO

PROBLEM.

I'VE BEEN IN EACH OF THOSE

PLACES THIS WEEK, AND THEY'RE

ALL A CORRECT REACTION.

BECAUSE LOOK, WE DID A SHOW LIKE

THIS AFTER THE ELECTION IN

2016, WHEN NO ONE EXPECTED TRUMP

TO WIN.

THIS TIME, THOUGH, HIS WINNING

FELT LIKE A REAL POSSIBILITY ALL

YEAR LONG.

LOTS OF PEOPLE MOBILIZED TO STOP

IT, BUT IT HAPPENED ANYWAY,

WHICH FEELS SOMEHOW WORSE.

YOU'VE PROBABLY SEEN PEOPLE

REALLY STRUGGLING THIS WEEK, AND

MY SYMPATHY GOES OUT TO ALL OF

THEM, WITH ONE EXCEPTION, AND

THAT IS TRUMP'S FORMER ATTORNEY,

MICHAEL COHEN.

HE'D CLAIMED THAT HE'D LEAVE THE

COUNTRY IF TRUMP WON, ONLY TO

QUICKLY WALK THAT BACK

POST-ELECTION ON A LIVESTREAM

WHERE HE GOT TROLLED BY VIEWERS

IN A VERY FUNNY WAY.

CAN WE STOP WITH THAT?

I APPRECIATE IT.

I DON'T LIKE THE STUPID TURKEYS.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S JUST LET'S JUST

KNOCK THAT STUPID SHIT OFF

PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT?

I DID, I SAID I WAS LEAVING, AND

THEN THE FOLLOWING DAY-- GET

THAT THROUGH YOUR DUMB HEADS--

THE FOLLOWING DAY, I TURNED

AROUND AND I SAID THAT THERE'S

NO CHANCE IN THE WORLD THAT I'M

LEAVING MY COUNTRY, THANK YOU

VERY MUCH.

ALL RIGHT?

NOT LEAVING ANYWHERE.

YOU LEAVE!

THIS IS MY COUNTRY.

AND I HAVE EVERY RIGHT EVERY

SINGLE RIGHT WITHIN WHICH TO

TURN AROUND AND-- COULD YOU

STOP SO WE CAN?

ALL RIGHT.

TWO SECONDS, I'M GOING TO END UP

BLOCKING THIS IDIOT.

John: I LOVE IT.

EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT IS VERY

GOOD, FROM THE "I DON'T LIKE THE

STUPID TURKEYS"

TO THE "I'M NOT LEAVING

ANYWHERE, YOU LEAVE," TO THE

PERFECTLY TIMED ELVIS HAIR.

I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH ANY OF--

OH, NO, HOLD ON.

NO, NO!

IT'S NOT OKAY WHEN IT HAPPENS TO

ME.

GET IT OFF ME.

THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY BETTER.

NO, COME ON, I'M TRYING TO MAKE

A POINT HERE ABOUT--

YOU KNOW WHAT?

JUST LEAVE IT.

I'VE BEEN BECOMING MORE BIRDLIKE

WITH EVERY PASSING YEAR AND

FRANKLY, THIS WEEK NOTHING FEELS

MORE APPROPRIATE THAN PRESENTING

ME AS A BIRD WHO IS FULLY AND

TRULY COOKED.

THERE ARE LOTS OF REASONS THIS

RESULT IS SO DEPRESSING-- FROM

WHAT IT MEANS FOR ABORTION

RIGHTS, TO THE ENVIRONMENT, TO

UKRAINE, TO GAZA, TO THE VERY

FACT TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN WAS BUILT

ON DEMONIZATION AND REVENGE.

FROM THE SIGNS CALLING FOR MASS

DEPORTATION AT THE CONVENTION,

TO THE GOP SPENDING AT LEAST

$215 MILLION JUST ON ANTI-TRANS

NETWORK TV ADS.

THAT'S JUST OVER $134 PER TRANS

PERSON IN THIS COUNTRY.

AND YET, TRUMP'S ABOUT TO BE

PRESIDENT, AGAIN.

SO TONIGHT, KNOWING WE WON'T HIT

ALL THE ANSWERS AND SOME OF THE

ONES THAT WE DO MIGHT NOT BE

PARTICULARLY SATISFYING, LET'S

AT LEAST TRY AND ANSWER A FEW

QUESTIONS.

SPECIFICALLY, HOW DID THIS

HAPPEN?

WHAT COMES NEXT?

AND WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

AND LET'S START WITH HOW DID

THIS HAPPEN?

THE TRUTH IS, IT IS TOO EARLY TO

HAVE A DEFINITIVE ANSWER TO

THAT, BUT THAT HAS NOT STOPPED

PEOPLE FROM TAKING SOME BIG

SWINGS ANYWAY.

KAMALA HARRIS HAD THIS

ALBATROSS AROUND HER NECK AND IT

WAS JOE BIDEN.

THE PROGRESSIVE ERA SHOULD BE

OVER IF THEY WANT TO START

WINNING AGAIN.

DID KAMALA HARRIS MOVE TOO

FAR TO THE CENTER AND ALIENATE

SOME OF THE BASE?

IT WAS JOE ROGAN, IT WAS

ELON MUSK GETTING OUT THOSE

YOUNG MALE VOTERS.

THEY DIDN'T HAVE A MESSAGE

THAT ATTRACTED WORKING CLASS

VOTERS.

SHE FAILED TO CAPTURE ENOUGH

SUPPORT AMONG WHITE VOTERS, MEN,

AND FIRST TIME VOTERS.

A LOT OF HISPANIC VOTERS HAVE

PROBLEMS WITH BLACK CANDIDATES.

John: OKAY.

I KNOW ONE THING FOR SURE:

JOE SCARBOROUGH IS WAY TOO

SATISFIED SAYING THAT.

SCAPEGOATING ANOTHER

DEMOGRAPHIC'S BEHAVIOR IN A WAY

YOU'RE JUST ABLE TO PASS OFF AS

NEWS?

CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU,

SCOLDILOCKS.

YOU MUST FEEL AMAZING RIGHT NOW.

PEOPLE ARE POINTING THE FINGER

IN ALL DIRECTIONS-- FROM

LATINO VOTERS, TO YOUNG MEN, TO

JOE ROGAN.

YOU CAN BASICALLY SPIN YOUR OWN

PERSONAL WHEEL OF BLAME, AND

GENERALLY MAKE SURE IT LANDS ON

WHOEVER YOU WERE MAD AT IN THE

FIRST PLACE.

AND I'LL BE HONEST, I GET THE

APPEAL.

IT IS FUN TO BLAME PEOPLE.

TRUMP WAS LITERALLY JUST ELECTED

PRESIDENT AGAIN ON A PLATFORM OF

DOING EXACTLY THAT.

PERSONALLY, I KIND OF LIKE TO

IMAGINE EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED

ON TUESDAY IS KATY PERRY'S

FAULT, BECAUSE AT KAMALA'S

ELECTION-EVE RALLY, SHE DID THIS

ILL-ADVISED COVER:

♪ I DECIDED LONG AGO NEVER

TO WALK IN ANYONE'S SHADOW ♪

♪ IF I FAIL ♪

♪ IF I SUCCEED ♪

♪ AT LEAST I'LL LIVE AS I

BELIEVE ♪

♪ NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT

ME ♪

♪ THEY CAN'T TAKE AWAY MY

DIGNITY, NO! ♪

John: I MEAN, YOU ARE RIGHT

THAT THEY CAN'T TAKE AWAY YOUR

DIGNITY, BUT ONLY BECAUSE YOU

JUST SURRENDERED IT WILLINGLY.

I KNOW SHE'S TRYING TO DO A NICE

THING THERE, BUT WHY WOULD YOU

TRY AND COVER WHITNEY HOUSTON?

THE VOICE!

SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT

LEE GREENWOOD, WHICH, IN MY CASE

IS ABOUT 18 MINUTES OF

RIGOROUSLY FACT-CHECKED INSULTS,

BUT AT LEAST WHEN HE PLAYED

TRUMP RALLIES, HE WASN'T TRYING

TO DO FREDDIE MERCURY'S PART IN

"SOMEBODY TO LOVE."

NOW DID THAT DRUNK BACHELORETTE

PARTY KARAOKE NIGHT PERFORMANCE

DOOM THE WHOLE HARRIS CAMPAIGN?

PROBABLY NOT.

BUT IT FEELS GOOD TO THINK SO.

BECAUSE IT'S AN EASY ANSWER TO A

DIFFICULT QUESTION, WHICH IS A

LOT MORE APPEALING RIGHT NOW

THAN ACTUALLY FINDING THE

DIFFICULT ANSWERS.

AND LOOK, I AM NOT SAYING THE

CAMPAIGN DIDN'T MAKE MISTAKES.

BUT THE REASON WHY SPECIFIC

GROUPS VOTE THE WAY THEY DO IN

ELECTIONS TENDS TO BE SOMETHING

YOU CAN ONLY PUZZLE OUT LATER,

ONCE ALL THE DATA COMES IN.

AND THE TACTICAL DECISIONS BY

THE HARRIS CAMPAIGN WILL, I'M

SURE, BE PICKED APART ENDLESSLY.

BUT IT IS TELLING HOW QUICKLY

SOME ARE JUMPING TO

PREDETERMINED CONCLUSIONS THAT

DON'T MATCH THE CAMPAIGN THAT

JUST WRAPPED UP.

FOR INSTANCE, SOME DEMOCRATS ARE

LOUDLY CLAIMING THE PARTY NEEDS

TO MOVE TO THE CENTER, WITH

NEW YORK CONGRESSMAN TOM SUOZZI

ARGUING, "THE DEMOCRATS HAVE TO

STOP PANDERING TO THE FAR LEFT,"

CITING TRANS RIGHTS AS AN

EXAMPLE, SAYING, "I DON'T WANT

TO DISCRIMINATE AGAINST ANYBODY

BUT I DON'T THINK BIOLOGICAL

BOYS SHOULD BE PLAYING IN GIRLS'

SPORTS."

AND A FEW THINGS ABOUT THAT:

FIRST, IF WHAT YOU WANT IS A

CENTRIST CAMPAIGN THAT'S QUIET

ON TRANS ISSUES, TOUGH ON THE

BORDER, DISTANCES ITSELF FROM

PALESTINIANS, TALKS A LOT ABOUT

LAW AND ORDER, AND REACHES OUT

TO MODERATE REPUBLICANS-- THAT

CANDIDATE EXISTED, AND SHE JUST

LOST.

GUESS HOW MANY TRANS SPEAKERS

THERE WERE AT THE DNC?

I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT: IT IS A

VERY ROUND NUMBER.

ALSO, I'M NOT SURE HOW YOU REACH

OUT TO MODERATE REPUBLICANS MORE

THAN APPEARING WITH LIZ CHENEY

MULTIPLE TIMES, UNLESS YOU

LITERALLY DIG UP

HENRY KISSINGER'S CORPSE AND

PROP IT UP AT A RALLY IN

MICHIGAN AS KATY PERRY SINGS

"ROLLING IN THE DEEP."

IT'S OKAY NOT TO HAVE THE RANGE,

KATY!

AND FINALLY, REGARDING "YOUTH

SPORTS": THERE WERE A LOT OF

ATTACK ADS ON THAT ISSUE.

AND IT WAS FRUSTRATING TO SEE

THE HARRIS CAMPAIGN FAIL TO

FORMULATE A RESPONSE,

ESPECIALLY BECAUSE IT'S PRETTY

EASY TO DO.

I'LL DO IT FOR YOU RIGHT NOW:

AS WE'VE DISCUSSED BEFORE, THERE

ARE VANISHINGLY FEW TRANS GIRLS

COMPETING IN HIGH SCHOOLS

ANYWHERE.

EVEN IF THERE WERE MORE,

TRANS KIDS, LIKE ALL KIDS, VARY

IN ATHLETIC ABILITY, AND THERE'S

NO EVIDENCE THEY POSE ANY THREAT

TO SAFETY OR FAIRNESS.

IT IS VERY WEIRD FOR YOU TO BE

SO FOCUSED ON THIS SUBJECT.

AND FINALLY, IF YOU GENUINELY

WANT TO ADDRESS THE BIGGEST

CONCERN FOR MOST GIRLS WHO PLAY

HIGH SCHOOL SPORTS, YOU'D WORRY

LESS ABOUT THIS, AND MORE ABOUT

THE CREEPY ASSISTANT VOLLEYBALL

COACH WHO KEEPS LIKING THEIR

PHOTOS ON FUCKING INSTAGRAM.

THE BIGGER POINT IS, AT LEAST

BASED ON WHAT WE KNOW NOW,

ANYONE POINTING THE BLAME

FOR THE ELECTION RESULTS

AT ONE SPECIFIC DEMOGRAPHIC IS

MISSING THE MARK.

BECAUSE THERE WAS AN

ACROSS-THE-BOARD SHIFT TO THE

RIGHT ON TUESDAY-- TRUMP

IMPROVED ON HIS 2020 MARGIN IN

MORE THAN 90% OF COUNTIES

NATIONWIDE.

AND HIS VICTORY WAS DRIVEN BY

GAINS AMONG SEEMINGLY EVERY

POSSIBLE GROUPING OF AMERICANS.

IN FACT, THE ONLY GROUPS WHERE I

CAN BE ABSOLUTELY SURE NOT A

SINGLE PERSON VOTED FOR TRUMP

ARE THESE AVENGERS, AND

PEOPLE WHO POST POEMS TO THEIR

INSTAGRAM STORIES, WHICH, ALL

DUE RESPECT, HAS GOTTEN A BIT

OUT OF HAND THIS WEEK.

ONE THING THAT DID BECOME CLEAR

WAS THAT THE ECONOMY WAS A

MASSIVE MOTIVATING FACTOR FOR

PEOPLE.

IT RANKED NUMBER ONE AMONG

ISSUES VOTERS SAID THEY CARED

ABOUT, WITH 52% SAYING IT WAS

"EXTREMELY IMPORTANT" TO THEM,

AND IT WAS FREQUENTLY MENTIONED

AMONG THOSE WHO VOTED FOR TRUMP.

EVERYTHING'S TOO EXPENSIVE.

MY WIFE, SHE ACTUALLY WORKS TWO

JOBS JUST TO HAVE EXTRA MONEY.

SO, I MEAN, WE'RE WAITING FOR

TRUMP.

I'M VOTING TRUMP.

HE HAD CATAPULTED US INTO A

BETTER LIFESTYLE.

WHILE HE WAS THE PRESIDENT,

EVERYTHING WAS NICE AND SMOOTH

AND I STILL HAD MONEY LEFT IN MY

POCKET.

I WOULD DESCRIBE MYSELF AS

BEING RESIGNED, I SUPPOSE, TO

VOTING FOR DONALD TRUMP.

AGAIN, I JUST-- I CAN'T VOTE

FOR THE STATUS QUO.

AND I WAS ABSOLUTELY BETTER OFF

DURING DONALD TRUMP'S PRESIDENCY

THAN I AM TODAY.

John: YEAH, TO HEAR VOTERS

TELL IT, THE ECONOMY IS WHY A

LOT OF THEM WENT WITH TRUMP.

HE BASICALLY WOUND UP WINNING

WITH THE SAME MANTRA AS

BILL CLINTON DID IN 1992: "IT'S

THE ECONOMY, STUPID!

ALSO, BY THE WAY, I HAPPEN TO BE

GOOD FRIENDS WITH

JEFFREY EPSTEIN."

AND LOOK, WHILE A LOT OF THOSE

PEOPLE MAY WELL HAVE BEEN GOING

TO VOTE FOR HIM ANYWAY, THE

TRUTH IS, THERE WAS

UNDERSTANDABLE FRUSTRATION ABOUT

THE INFLATION THAT TOOK PLACE

DURING BIDEN'S TERM.

AS WE DISCUSSED AT THE TIME IN

OUR EXCITING AND YOUTHFUL COMEDY

SHOW THAT EXPLAINED INFLATION

FOR 24 HUMAN MINUTES, THERE WERE

GLOBAL FACTORS BEHIND IT.

MANY U.S. ALLIES ALSO SAW BIG

PRICE INCREASES, IN PART BECAUSE

GLOBAL SUPPLY CHAINS SEIZED UP

DURING COVID.

THIS HAS LED TO A WAVE OF

"CHANGE" ELECTIONS, AS ALL OVER

THE WORLD, VOTERS HAVE THROWN

OUT INCUMBENT GOVERNMENTS, DUE

TO HIGHER PRICES.

AND THE THING IS,

I GET NOT WANTING TO

VOTE FOR THE STATUS QUO.

AND TRUMP-- IN HIS OWN FUCKED

UP WAY-- DID OFFER A CHANGE,

ESPECIALLY AS-- EVEN WHILE

HARRIS WAS BLANKETING SWING

STATES WITH ADS TALKING ABOUT

GROCERY PRICES-- SHE WAS ALSO

SAYING THERE'S NOT MUCH SHE'D

HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY THAN

BIDEN.

AND WHILE YOU COULD ARGUE

BIDEN'S INTERVENTIONS TO SHORE

UP THE ECONOMY WERE ACTUALLY ONE

OF HIS MAJOR SUCCESSES, I DO GET

THAT WHEN ONE SIDE IS SAYING

"MILK IS TOO EXPENSIVE" AND THE

OTHER IS SAYING "OKAY, YES, MILK

IS TOO EXPENSIVE, BUT WE'RE

WORKING ON IT, AND ALSO IT'S NOT

THAT EXPENSIVE WHEN YOU TAKE A

MACROECONOMIC VIEW OF AMERICA'S

RECOVERY IN CONTRAST TO OTHER

WESTERN ECONOMIES, PLUS YOU'LL

GET USED TO IT," THAT'S NOT A

GREAT POSITION FOR AN INCUMBENT

PARTY TO BE IN, AND IT MAKES FOR

A PRETTY SHITTY LAWN SIGN, TOO.

THE IRONY HERE IS, THE U.S.

ECONOMY HAS DEFINITELY IMPROVED,

AND THE IMPACTS ARE NOW BEING

FELT.

"THE WALL STREET JOURNAL" EVEN

RAN THIS HEADLINE BEFORE THE

ELECTION:

"THE NEXT PRESIDENT INHERITS A

REMARKABLE ECONOMY."

WHICH, I GUESS, IS YET ANOTHER

THING TRUMP WILL NOW INHERIT

WITHOUT HAVING TO ACTUALLY WORK

FOR IT.

ALONG WITH MONEY AND, OF COURSE,

GOOD LOOKS.

AND LISTEN, YOU CAN POINT TO THE

ECONOMY AND STILL FIND IT

UNBELIEVABLE THAT TRUMP WAS

ELECTED.

BECAUSE WE JUST CHOSE A MAN WHO

OVERSAW A FIASCO OF A RESPONSE

TO THE PANDEMIC, FOMENTED AN

INSURRECTION, AND SINCE LEAVING

OFFICE HAS BEEN CONVICTED OF

34 COUNTS OF FALSIFYING BUSINESS

RECORDS, AND FOUND LIABLE FOR

DEFAMING AND SEXUALLY ABUSING A

WOMAN.

NOT JUST THAT.

HIS CAMPAIGN WAS AN AVALANCHE OF

LIES AND FEARMONGERING, WHEN IT

WASN'T JUST OUTRIGHT CHAOS,

ESPECIALLY TOWARD THE END, WHEN

HE WAS MIMING A BLOW JOB ON A

MICROPHONE, DANCING ON STAGE FOR

40 MINUTES, TALKING ABOUT THE

SIZE OF ARNOLD PALMER'S DICK,

AND GETTING COMPLETELY

DISTRACTED EVEN IN THE MIDDLE OF

ONE OF HIS SIGNATURE RANTS

DEMONIZING MIGRANTS.

THESE ARE ROUGH, VICIOUS,

ROUGHER THAN ANYTHING YOU CAN

IMAGINE, THERE IS NO-- AND I

SAY IT ALL THE TIME, IF YOU

WANTED TO DO A MOVIE ON SOME OF

THESE PEOPLE.

IF YOU WANTED TO DO A MOVIE,

THERE'S NO ACTOR IN HOLLYWOOD

THAT COULD PLAY THE ROLE.

THERE'S NOBODY THAT CAN DO IT.

THESE ACTORS, YOU KNOW, THEY'RE

A LITTLE BIT SHAKY.

THEY CAN'T PLAY THE ROLE.

THEY'LL BRING IN A BIG ACTOR AND

YOU LOOK AND YOU SAY HE'S GOT NO

MUSCLE CONTENT, GOT NO MUSCLE,

WE NEED A LITTLE MUSCLE.

THEN THEY BRING IN ANOTHER ONE.

BUT HE'S GOT A WEAK FACE, HE

LOOKS WEAK.

NO, THESE GUYS HAVE THE WHOLE

PACKAGE.

UNFORTUNATELY FOR OUR COUNTRY.

John: YEAH, AT ONE POINT, HIS

ANGLE ON MIGRANTS GENUINELY

SEEMED TO BE THAT THEY'RE TOO

CHISELED?

AND WHILE THERE'S A LOT OF

NOTABLE LINES IN THERE, MY

UNDERDOG FAVORITE IS "AND I SAY

IT ALL THE TIME."

DO YOU?

DO YOU SAY "WE NEED A LITTLE

MUSCLE," IN THAT VOICE, ALL THE

TIME?

I MEAN, MAYBE YOU DO, I DON'T

KNOW.

JESUS CHRIST, I CANNOT FUCKING

BELIEVE YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE

PRESIDENT AGAIN.

AND LOOK COMING TO SEE THE THING

THAT MANY OF YOU HAVE BEEN

SHOUTING AT YOUR SCREEN FOR THE

LAST 5 MINUTES,

IT'S NOT NEWS THAT

TRUMP'S OVERT WHITE SUPREMACY

AND MISOGYNY APPEAL TO MANY OF

HIS VOTERS.

IT'S ALSO NOT NEWS THAT MANY OF

THEM LIKE TO HIDE THAT BY

CLAIMING ALL THEY'RE WORRIED

ABOUT IS THE ECONOMY.

BUT CLEARLY, FOR OTHERS, THERE'S

A WILLFUL DENIAL GOING ON ABOUT

HIM.

BECAUSE TRUMP LIES SO

CONSTANTLY, PEOPLE HAVE A SENSE

YOU CAN PICK AND CHOOSE WHICH

THINGS HE ACTUALLY BELIEVES, AND

CREATE A VERSION OF HIM THAT

SUITS YOU.

AND THAT CAN BE THE CASE EVEN

WHEN HIS INTENTIONS ARE CLEAR.

THE DAY AFTER THE ELECTION, ONE

REPORTER SPOKE WITH MIGRANTS

OUTSIDE I.C.E.'S FIELD OFFICE IN

ATLANTA, AND THE FIRST PERSON

THEY SPOKE TO, A WOMAN FROM

NICARAGUA, SAID, "WE'RE FUCKED,"

WHICH ISN'T SURPRISING.

WHAT IS SURPRISING IS THE

REPORTER THEN POSTED AN UPDATE,

SAYING, "SEVERAL OF THE MIGRANTS

I'VE BEEN SPEAKING WITH SAY THEY

WOULD HAVE VOTED FOR TRUMP

THEMSELVES.

THEY DON'T BELIEVE TRUMP WILL

DEPORT THEM, BECAUSE THEY ARE

HERE TO WORK AND ARE "NOT

CRIMINALS."

WHICH IS PRETTY HEARTBREAKING,

BECAUSE HE'S MADE IT PAINFULLY

CLEAR THAT HE ABSOLUTELY WANTS

TO DEPORT MIGRANTS FOR ANY

REASON THAT HE POSSIBLY CAN,

INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO

"UNREASONABLY SCULPTED ABS."

AND HEY, MAYBE THOSE MIGRANTS

ARE RIGHT.

I HOPE THEY ARE FOR EVERYONE'S

SAKE.

BUT UNFORTUNATELY, EITHER WAY,

WE'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT.

WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR SECOND

QUESTION:

"WHAT COMES NEXT?"

BECAUSE AS WE SPEAK, TRUMP IS

ASSEMBLING HIS CABINET.

AND THE EARLY GLIMPSES INTO HIS

PROCESS HAVEN'T BEEN GREAT.

THERE ARE ALREADY THOUSANDS

OF PEOPLE LINED UP FOR POTENTIAL

JOBS.

THE QUESTION IS WHO TRUMP PICKS

FOR THOSE POSITIONS.

AND RIGHT NOW, JUST TO GIVE YOU

A SENSE OF HOW MUCH THE

JOCKEYING IS ALREADY UNDERWAY,

PALM BEACH IS TEEMING TONIGHT

WITH POTENTIAL TRUMP STAFFERS

WHO ARE HERE, WHO, A LOT OF THEM

WERE HERE LAST NIGHT AT HIS

ELECTION NIGHT PARTY, EITHER AT

MAR-A-LAGO OR THE CONVENTION

CENTER, AND CHANGED OR DELAYED

THEIR TRAVEL PLANS AFTER LAST

NIGHT'S VICTORY, AND

DECIDED TO STICK AROUND BECAUSE

THAT'S HOW QUICKLY THEY BELIEVE

HE CAN MAKE THESE DECISIONS.

John: OKAY.

FIRST, LET ME STATE THE OBVIOUS:

THAT CHART FUCKING SUCKS.

IT LOOKS LIKE A

CHOOSE-YOUR-FIGHTER SCREEN WHERE

THE ONLY THING THEY'RE FIGHTING

IS THE ARC OF THE MORAL

UNIVERSE.

IT LOOKS LIKE AN ADVENT CALENDAR

WHERE EVERY CIRCLE OPENS UP TO A

TINY PIECE OF LITERAL SHIT.

IT LOOKS LIKE A GAME BOARD FOR

"GUESS WHO: OOPS, ALL ASSHOLES."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THERE'S A LOT THERE, BUT LET'S

START IN THE LOWER-RIGHT HAND

CORNER WITH THESE TWO GUYS

WHOSE POTENTIAL JOBS ARE LISTED

AS "QUESTION MARKS," LIKE EVEN

THE CHART ITSELF IS SURPRISED

THEY'RE THERE.

AND HONESTLY, CHART?

SAME.

WE'VE ALREADY TALKED ABOUT

RFK-- ENEMY TO ALL ANIMALS,

FRIEND TO ALL MEASLES-- AND

TRUMP'S PLANS TO "LET HIM GO

WILD ON MEDICINES."

YOU KNOW, REALLY GET IN THERE

AND MIX THINGS UP LIKE A WORM IN

A FRONTAL CORTEX.

BUT ELON MUSK IS ON THERE, TOO.

ONE IDEA FLOATED IN THE

CAMPAIGN'S CLOSING DAYS WAS THAT

HE'D BE APPOINTED TO CUT WASTE

OUT OF THE FEDERAL BUDGET.

HERE HE IS AT

MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, HYPING

THE PLAN WITH THE CO-CHAIR OF

TRUMP'S TRANSITION TEAM:

HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK WE CAN

RIP OUT OF THIS WASTED

$6.5 TRILLION HARRIS-BIDEN

BUDGET?

WELL, I THINK WE CAN-- WE

CAN DO AT LEAST $2 TRILLION.

YEAH!

YES.

$2 TRILLION!

YOUR MONEY IS BEING WASTED,

AND THE DEPARTMENT OF GOVERNMENT

EFFICIENCY IS GOING TO FIX THAT.

John: OKAY.

PUT ASIDE THAT HE'S DRESSED LIKE

THE LEAST INTIMIDATING BOUNCER

AT A STRIP CLUB.

THAT IS A CONCERNING AMOUNT TO

BE CUTTING.

AND IT'S LIKELY TO COME FROM

SLASHING GOVERNMENT PROGRAMS.

MUSK HAS SAID ELSEWHERE THAT

"WE HAVE TO REDUCE SPENDING TO

LIVE WITHIN OUR MEANS," AND

"THAT NECESSARILY INVOLVES SOME

TEMPORARY HARDSHIP."

AND SEEING A MAN WORTH

$300 BILLION TELLING THE COUNTRY

TO "ENDURE HARDSHIP" AND "LIVE

WITHIN THEIR MEANS," FILLS ME

WITH A FEELING THAT, APPARENTLY,

I CANNOT SAY OUT LOUD FOR LEGAL

REASONS.

AND EVEN IF YOU THINK A PROMISE

TO CUT $2 TRILLION SOUNDS GOOD,

HERE'S FORMER TREASURY SECRETARY

LARRY SUMMERS, POINTING OUT THE

OBSTACLES TO CUTTING A FULL

ONE-THIRD OF THE FEDERAL BUDGET.

RESPECTFULLY, I THINK IT'S

IDIOTIC.

IT'S NOT A SERIOUS STATEMENT.

WHERE ARE THEY GOING TO CUT IT

OUT OF?

THEY THINK-- THESE PEOPLE THINK

IT IS LIKE SOME BUSINESS, BUT

HERE'S THE PROBLEM: ONLY 15% OF

THE FEDERAL BUDGET IS FOR

PAYROLL.

SO EVEN IF YOU TOOK ALL THE

EMPLOYEES, EVERY SINGLE PERSON

WORKING FOR THE FEDERAL

GOVERNMENT OUT, YOU COULDN'T

SAVE ANYTHING LIKE $2 TRILLION.

John: IT'S TRUE.

YOU COULD FIRE EVERYONE WHO

WORKS FOR THE GOVERNMENT AND

STILL NOT HIT THAT NUMBER.

ALSO, I WANT TO COMPLIMENT THE

PHRASE, "RESPECTFULLY, I THINK

IT'S IDIOTIC."

HE'S REALLY STRETCHING

"RESPECTFULLY" THERE TO BREAKING

POINT.

"WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, THAT'S A

DUMB IDEA FOR BABIES."

"WHILST MEANING NO OFFENSE, WHAT

DING-DONG DREAMT UP THIS

FIVE-ALARM FUCKFEST?"

AND LOOK, ULTIMATELY, I DON'T

SEE ELON GOING THROUGH THE

FEDERAL BUDGET LINE BY LINE,

BECAUSE HE'S JUST GOING TO GET

BORED AND GO BACK TO SOMETHING

MORE HIS SPEED, LIKE FINDING A

PLACE TO DO ANOTHER BIG-BOY

JUMP.

BUT THE SAME CANNOT BE SAID FOR

SOME OF THE OTHER PEOPLE TRUMP'S

LOOKING AT.

AMONG HIS POTENTIAL ATTORNEY

GENERAL CANDIDATES IS TEXAS A.G.

KEN PAXTON, WHO'S BEEN UNDER

FEDERAL INVESTIGATION FOR

"ALLEGED BRIBERY AND MISUSE OF

OFFICE," AND WHO GAVE A

SPEECH AT TRUMP'S RALLY ON

JANUARY 6 SAYING, "WE WILL NOT

QUIT FIGHTING."

AHEAD OF THE ELECTION, HE

NOTABLY DID NOT JOIN 51 OTHER

A.G.s IN SIGNING A LETTER

CONDEMNING VIOLENCE AND URGING A

PEACEFUL TRANSITION OF POWER,

REGARDLESS OF THE OUTCOME.

AND WHEN IT COMES TO

QUALIFICATIONS FOR RUNNING THE

DOJ, I'D ARGUE THAT "HORNY FOR

ANOTHER INSURRECTION" SHOULD NOT

BE ONE OF THEM.

AS FOR THE CIA DIRECTOR,

KASH PATEL IS APPARENTLY AN

OPTION-- A MAN SO DEVOTED TO

TRUMP, HE EVEN HAS A SERIES OF

CHILDREN'S BOOKS CALLED "THE

PLOT AGAINST THE KING," THE

FIRST OF WHICH TELLS THE STORY

OF A WIZARD NAMED KASH WHO SETS

OUT TO SAVE KING DONALD FROM THE

SINISTER MACHINATIONS OF

HILLARY QUEENTON.

ONE AMAZON REVIEW SAID, "10

STARS.

SUPER FAN BOOK.

I THINK I ENJOYED MORE THAN MY

SEVEN AND NINE-YEAR-OLD," AND I

AM POSITIVE THAT IS ACTUALLY

TRUE.

PATEL WAS ACTUALLY IN TRUMP'S

FIRST ADMINISTRATION, WORKING IN

A NUMBER OF POSITIONS WHILE

HAVING AN OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT

PHOTO WHERE HE LOOKED LIKE

SOMEONE WHO JUST REALIZED HE

ACCIDENTALLY TEXTED A DICK PIC

TO HIS MOM.

"OH, GOD, SHE GAVE IT A

THUMBS-UP.

I THINK THAT'S WORSE.

I THINK THE THUMBS UP MAKES IT

WORSE."

BUT THERE ARE SERIOUS QUESTIONS

OVER PATEL'S QUALIFICATIONS FOR

THE JOB.

IT FRANKLY SAYS SOMETHING THAT,

DURING TRUMP'S FIRST TERM, WHEN

HE FLOATED MAKING PATEL DEPUTY

FBI DIRECTOR, BILL BARR

APPARENTLY SAID, "OVER MY DEAD

BODY."

WELL, BILL BARR ISN'T THERE TO

STOP IT ANYMORE, AND IF PATEL

GETS IN AT THE CIA, HE'S TOLD

STEVE BANNON, HE'S GOT SOME

SERIOUS PLANS.

WE WILL GO OUT AND FIND THE

CONSPIRATORS, NOT JUST IN

GOVERNMENT, BUT IN THE MEDIA.

YES, WE'RE GOING TO COME AFTER

THE PEOPLE IN THE MEDIA WHO LIED

ABOUT AMERICAN CITIZENS, WHO

HELPED JOE BIDEN RIG

PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS.

WE'RE GOING TO COME AFTER YOU,

WHETHER IT'S CRIMINALLY OR

CIVILLY, WE'LL FIGURE THAT OUT.

BUT, YEAH, WE'RE PUTTING YOU ALL

ON NOTICE.

John: WELL, I DON'T LOVE THE

SOUND OF THAT.

FROM THREATENING TO COME AFTER

THE MEDIA, TO THE HOODIE HE'S

WEARING THERE-- FROM HIS OWN

MERCHANDISE LINE, BY THE WAY,

FEATURING A LOGO THAT APPEARS TO

BE THIS PUNISHER SKULL WITH

TRUMP HAIR.

WHICH, FIRST...

VERY, VERY COOL.

AND SECOND, ALL I REALLY SEE ON

THAT SKULL IS A SWOOPING

PIXIE CUT, SO TO BE HONEST, IT

COULD JUST AS EASILY BE

SKELETON DIANNE WIEST.

AND I'M JUST GONNA CHOOSE TO

BELIEVE HE'S WEARING A SPOOKY

DIANNE WIEST HOODIE.

BUT THAT IS JUST SCRATCHING THE

SURFACE OF THE DEEP BENCH OF

IDIOTS, FREAKS, AND WANNABE

TOUGH GUYS EAGER TO GET INTO

THE WHITE HOUSE AND START

BREAKING THINGS.

IN JANUARY, THINGS COULD GET

VERY BAD, VERY FAST.

WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR LAST

QUESTION, WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

WELL, THAT REALLY DEPENDS ON WHO

"WE" IS.

IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE THIS GUY--

FIRST, WAY TO STICK THE LANDING,

BUD!

BUT THERE ARE THINGS BIDEN COULD

DO BEFORE LEAVING OFFICE.

HE COULD GRANT, OR EXTEND,

TEMPORARY PROTECTED STATUS TO

SOME IMMIGRANTS CURRENTLY IN THE

U.S., TO PROTECT THEM FROM

DEPORTATION.

ALSO, HE AND THE SENATE COULD

FILL THE NINE OPEN INSPECTOR

GENERAL POSITIONS AT KEY

AGENCIES LIKE THE NSA, IRS, AND

TREASURY-- WHICH FEELS VERY

IMPORTANT, BECAUSE OVERSIGHT IS

CERTAINLY NOT GOING TO BE A

PRIORITY FOR TRUMP.

HE COULD ALSO COMMUTE THE

SENTENCES OF FEDERAL PRISONERS

ON DEATH ROW TO LIFE IN PRISON

SO TRUMP CAN'T REPEAT HIS

AGONIZING EXECUTION SPREE OF HIS

FIRST TERM.

NOW AS FOR THE SENATE, IT COULD

PASS THE PRESS ACT, A FEDERAL

SHIELD LAW THAT ALREADY PASSED

THE HOUSE UNANIMOUSLY.

IT WOULD PROTECT THE

CONFIDENTIALITY OF JOURNALISTS'

SOURCES AND PERSONAL DEVICES

FROM FEDERAL LAW ENFORCEMENT.

AND WHILE I AM DEFINITELY NOT A

JOURNALIST, THERE ARE MANY GREAT

ONES WHO WORK HERE, AND THE ONLY

TIME ANYONE SHOULD BE INVADING

THEIR PHONE IS WHEN I TEXT THEM

RESEARCH REQUESTS LIKE,

"HAVE TWO PRESIDENTS EVER

KISSED?" OR "IF I DIE ON THE

SHOW, DO I DIE IN REAL LIFE?" OR

"DID TUCKER CARLSON'S MOM REALLY

ONLY LEAVE HIM $2 IN HER WILL?"

THE ANSWERS TO THOSE QUESTIONS,

BY THE WAY, ARE RESPECTIVELY:

TWICE, UNCLEAR, AND NO, SHE ONLY

LEFT HIM $1, AND IT EXPLAINS AN

AWFUL LOT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND FINALLY, THE SENATE COULD--

AND ABSOLUTELY SHOULD-- CONFIRM

BIDEN'S REMAINING JUDICIAL

APPOINTMENTS.

THERE IS A LOT OF IMPORTANT

STUFF FOR THEM STILL TO DO,

MAKING IT INFURIATING TO READ

NEWS STORIES SAYING THINGS LIKE,

"AFTER THEIR LOSSES, SOME

DEMOCRATIC SENATORS MIGHT WANT

TO WRAP UP REMAINING BUSINESS

QUICKLY AND MOVE ON FROM

WASHINGTON AS THE HOLIDAYS

APPROACH," PRESENTING ATTENDANCE

PROBLEMS FOR VOTES.

WHICH IS SO MADDENING TO ME!

THESE LAST WEEKS COUNT.

YOU CAN'T JUST FUCK OFF EARLY

BECAUSE YOU LOST.

I BELIEVE KIMBERLY KARDASHIAN

MIGHT HAVE SAID IT BEST:

GET YOUR FUCKING ASS UP AND

WORK.

John: YES, YES, KIM.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GET YOUR FUCKING ASS UP AND

WORK.

BUT THE THING IS, EVEN IF BIDEN

AND THE SENATE DO ALL THOSE

THINGS, IT WON'T STOP THE FACT

THAT ON JANUARY 20TH, TRUMP IS

GETTING SWORN BACK INTO OFFICE.

AND THAT IS VERY DEPRESSING.

SO WHAT DO THE REST OF US DO

NEXT?

WELL, FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS,

I'D SAY, "WHATEVER YOU WANT."

I AM NOT GOING TO JUDGE YOU FOR

HOW YOU GET THROUGH THE NEXT

WEEK, FOR TWO REASONS:

ONE, I'M NOT GOING TO SEE IT.

I AM IN THE TV.

THIS IS FAR AWAY FROM WHERE YOU

ACTUALLY ARE.

AND TWO, BECAUSE THERE IS NO

RIGHT REACTION RIGHT NOW.

LOTS OF US ARE GRIEVING-- AND

GRIEF HAS STAGES, WHICH TAKE

DIFFERENT AMOUNTS OF TIME FOR

DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

THE STAGE I'M CURRENTLY LOCKED

IN IS ANGER.

I AM MAD FOR TRANS PEOPLE WHO

ARE BEING THREATENED.

I'M DISGUSTED AT THE PROSPECT OF

MASS DEPORTATION.

I'M FURIOUS AT BIDEN FOR NOT

DROPPING OUT EARLIER, AND THAT

THE EGOS AND INACTION OF

TWO MEN OLDER THAN CREDIT CARDS

THEMSELVES HAVE LED US TO THIS

POINT.

I'M MAD THAT WOMEN HAVE TO HEAR

"YOUR BODY, MY CHOICE" FROM

RIGHT-WING DIPSHITS.

I'M MAD THAT ELON MUSK IS

APPARENTLY SITTING IN ON

MEETINGS WITH THE PRESIDENT OF

UKRAINE.

I'M MAD ABOUT THE MYRIAD OF

DAMAGE TRUMP WILL DO THAT CAN'T

EASILY BE UNDONE-- LIKE SETTING

BACK EFFORTS TO FIGHT

CLIMATE CHANGE AND APPOINTING

MORE SUPREME COURT JUSTICES.

AND I'M MAD AT THE PROSPECT OF

FOUR MORE YEARS OF PEOPLE

SAYING, "SO IS YOUR JOB, LIKE,

SO MUCH EASIER WITH TRUMP AS

PRESIDENT?"

NO, IT IS NOT!

NO, IT FUCKING ISN'T!

FUCK YOU SO MUCH!

FUCK YOU!

SO WHETHER YOU ARE ANGRY RIGHT

NOW, OR DESPAIRING, OR GOOGLING

"NEW COUNTRY, NO FASCISTS, HOW

MOVE?"

DO WHAT YOU GOT TO DO.

THROW YOUR PHONE INTO THE

NEAREST BODY OF WATER.

SCREAM INTO A WELL.

PUNCH A TREE.

CURL UP INTO A BALL AND WATCH

"THE PRINCESS DIARIES" ALL THE

WAY THROUGH AND THEN AT THE END

WHEN "MIRACLES HAPPEN" STARTS

PLAYING, SHRIEK, "NO, THEY

FUCKING DON'T!

DON'T LIE TO ME!

PEOPLE CAN BE SHITS!"

BUT TRY NOT TO COMPLETELY

OBLITERATE YOURSELF IN DESPAIR.

AND I KNOW THAT IS HARD.

RIGHT NOW, ON THE HOPE METER,

MOST OF US ARE PROBABLY PRETTY

CLOSE TO THE BOTTOM.

BUT WE JUST CAN'T AFFORD THAT.

YOU CAN'T DRINK BLEACH, EVEN AND

ESPECIALLY IF THIS GUY TELLS YOU

TO DO IT AGAIN.

DESPAIR DOESN'T HELP ANYTHING.

IF ANYTHING, IT MAKES THINGS

WORSE.

AND I'M NOT TRYING TO PUSH YOU

INTO FALSE HOPE HERE, EITHER.

IF YOUR HOPE METER IS UP HERE,

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

ARE YOU A FUCKING CHILD?

THINGS ARE VERY BAD!

SO I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU,

"EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE OKAY,"

BECAUSE FRANKLY, IT ISN'T.

IT WASN'T LAST TIME, AND IT

WON'T BE NOW.

HERE IS WHAT I GUESS I'M TRYING

TO SAY:

JUST A WEEK AGO, WE MENTIONED

ELECTIONS ARE REALLY JUST ABOUT

CHOOSING WHO TO PUSH, AND WHERE

YOU'RE PUSHING THEM FROM.

WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, WE NOW

KNOW, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO

PUSH MUCH HARDER, AND FROM

FURTHER AWAY THAN WHERE WE JUST

WERE.

WHICH IS AN EXHAUSTING THOUGHT.

BUT I THINK A LOT OF TIMES,

MOVEMENTS BURN OUT BY FOCUSING

EXCLUSIVELY ON HOW FAR WE HAVE

TO GO, WITHOUT CELEBRATING THE

SMALL VICTORIES THAT HAPPEN

ALONG THE WAY.

FOR INSTANCE, EVEN AMID THE

G.O.P.'S MASSIVE ANTI-TRANS AD

CAMPAIGN, ON TUESDAY, DELAWARE

ELECTED THE COUNTRY'S FIRST

OPENLY TRANS MEMBER OF CONGRESS,

AND AROUND THE COUNTRY--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AT LEAST 35 TRANS AND OTHERWISE

GENDER-EXPANSIVE CANDIDATES WON

RACES, IN PLACES LIKE MONTANA,

HAWAII, AND KENTUCKY, WHERE

EMMA CURTIS WAS ELECTED TO THE

LEXINGTON CITY COUNCIL.

AND THAT IS A BIG DEAL.

CURTIS IS HOPING THIS RESULT

WILL SET AN EXAMPLE FOR OTHERS

IN THE SAME BOAT.

IF I COULD SAY ANYTHING TO MY

YOUNGER SELF, IT WOULD BE THE

SAME THING THAT I WOULD SAY TO

ANY TRANS KID WHO'S WATCHING

THIS NOW, WHICH IS THAT YOU CAN

SUCCEED BECAUSE OF WHO YOU ARE,

NOT FOR WHAT DISCRIMINATORY

POLITICIANS TELL YOU YOU HAVE TO

BE.

AND YOU'VE GOT A FUTURE.

THIS CITY, IT BELONGS TO YOU,

TOO.

John: FUCK YEAH, IT DOES!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT IS A POWERFUL THING TO HAVE

ONE GROUP SAYING, "I DON'T THINK

YOU SHOULD EXIST" AND TO BE ABLE

TO RESPOND WITH "I'M LITERALLY

AN ELECTED OFFICIAL."

HER BEING ELECTED IS NOW MY

FAVORITE FACT ABOUT LEXINGTON,

JUST AHEAD OF THAT ITS TOURISM

WEBSITE CONFIDENTLY PROCLAIMS IT

"THE HORSE CAPITAL OF THE

WORLD."

THE URL FOR THAT, BY THE WAY, IS

VisitLex.com/ThingsToDo/Horses.

AND LET ME BE THE FIRST TO SAY,

"DON'T MIND IF I DO."

AND THAT IS NOT ALL.

SEVEN STATES VOTED TO EITHER

OVERTURN ABORTION BANS OR ADD

PROTECTIONS TO THEIR STATE

CONSTITUTIONS.

EVEN IN FLORIDA, THE EFFORT TO

PROTECT ABORTION ONLY FAILED

BECAUSE IT FELL JUST SHORT OF

THE 60% THAT IT NEEDED TO PASS.

AND IT IS BRAIN-BREAKING TO SEE

57% BE THE LOSING SIDE OF THAT

VOTE.

AND THE ABORTION MEASURES THAT

DID GET PASSED DID SO THANKS TO

RELENTLESS ORGANIZING AT THE

STATE LEVEL, FROM ACTIVISTS LIKE

THIS WOMAN IN ARIZONA:

THIS IS THE BEST AND ONLY WAY

TO MAKE SURE THAT OUR STATE

PRESERVES ABORTION ACCESS.

CHRIS LOVE HELPED CREATE THE

MEASURE AND GET IT ON THE

BALLOT.

SHE SAYS THE OVERWHELMING

SUPPORT FROM BOTH PARTIES NOW

PUTS RIGHTS BACK IN THE HANDS OF

WOMEN.

THIS IS A RESOUNDING VICTORY

FOR THE PEOPLE OF ARIZONA,

ESPECIALLY THE PEOPLE WHO CAN

BECOME PREGNANT, PROVIDERS WHO

PROVIDE ABORTION CARE.

THEY CAN REST EASIER NOW KNOWING

THAT WE'VE PASSED PROP 139.

John: THAT IS GREAT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALTHOUGH, I WOULD EMPHASIZE THAT

SHE SAID REST "EASIER" THERE,

NOT REST "EASY."

UNFORTUNATELY, AS WE KNOW, THERE

IS NO RESTING EASY DURING A

TRUMP PRESIDENCY.

ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN, AND NOT IN

A GOOD WAY.

AND I KNOW THAT FOCUSING ON THE

GOOD NEWS THIS WEEK FEELS LIKE

FINDING $20 IN YOUR POCKET IN

THE MIDDLE OF A BEAR ATTACK.

BUT IT IS IMPORTANT TO TAKE YOUR

SILVER LININGS WHERE YOU CAN

FIND THEM.

AND IT'S ALSO WORTH NOTING,

ARIZONA WENT TO TRUMP-- AS,

INTERESTINGLY, DID OVER HALF THE

STATES THAT VOTED TO PROTECT

ABORTION.

IN FACT, MISSOURI VOTED NOT ONLY

OVERTURNED ITS ABORTION BAN,

BUT ALSO TO INCREASE MINIMUM

WAGE AND REQUIRE SICK LEAVE,

WHILE REELECTING BOTH TRUMP AND

JOSH HAWLEY, SUGGESTING

DEMOCRATIC POLICIES ARE STILL

POPULAR, EVEN IN A YEAR WHEN

THEIR CANDIDATE WASN'T.

LOOK, FOR THE NEXT FEW YEARS, WE

ARE NOT GOING TO SEE MUCH IN THE

WAY OF GAINS AT THE FEDERAL

LEVEL, AT ALL.

BUT AT THE LOCAL LEVEL, THESE

POLICIES ARE CLEARLY RESONATING.

POLITICAL ORGANIZATION, AT THE

GRASSROOTS, IS WORKING.

AND WE'RE LUCKY TO HAVE GROUPS

WORKING TIRELESSLY TO HELP THE

PEOPLE AND CAUSES TRUMP

THREATENS THE MOST.

WE ACTUALLY SPOKE TO A BUNCH OF

THEM THIS WEEK, AND ONE SMALL

POSITIVE THING THEY TOLD US IS,

THEY ACTUALLY GOT A HEAD START

ON PLANNING FOR A

TRUMP ADMINISTRATION BECAUSE

PROJECT 2025 ESSENTIALLY GAVE

THEM A 900-PAGE ROAD MAP FOR

WHAT THEY NEED TO BE READY TO

STRATEGIZE AGAINST.

WHICH IS SOMETHING.

BUT THEY'RE ALSO GOING TO NEED

HELP.

AND YOU KNOW, FRED ROGERS

FAMOUSLY TOLD US, IN TIMES OF

EMERGENCY AND DESPAIR, TO "LOOK

FOR THE HELPERS."

IT'S REALLY GOOD ADVICE, BUT I

WILL NOTE: IT IS ADVICE FOR

CHILDREN.

AND IF YOU'RE A CHILD WATCHING

ME RIGHT NOW-- FIRST, YOU

EITHER HAVE TERRIBLE OR

FANTASTIC PARENTS, BUT SECOND,

THIS NEXT PART ISN'T ACTUALLY

FOR YOU, SO JUST FUCK OFF FOR A

BIT, WILL YOU?

IF YOU'RE AN ADULT IN THE COMING

CRISIS, YOU ARE THE HELPERS.

AND THAT HELP CAN TAKE MANY

FORMS, AND THERE ARE PEOPLE

ALREADY DOING IT.

YOU CAN USE THE NATIONAL NETWORK

OF ABORTION FUNDS TO FIND WAYS

TO SUPPORT PEOPLE.

YOU CAN SUPPORT TRANS AND OTHER

LGBTQ PEOPLE BY DONATING TIME OR

MONEY TO CENTERS AND

ORGANIZATIONS IN YOUR AREA.

AND IF YOU WANT TO HELP

MIGRANTS, THERE'LL BE GROUPS

WHERE YOU LIVE ALREADY PROVIDING

EVERYTHING FROM LEGAL SERVICES

TO DONATED SUPPLIES.

IF YOU WANT TO SUPPORT THEM, YOU

CAN LITERALLY JUST GOOGLE, "HOW

TO HELP MIGRANTS IN..." AND ADD

THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE.

AND REMEMBER, YOU CAN ORGANIZE

POLITICALLY AROUND THE ISSUES

YOU CARE ABOUT-- AT WORK, AT

SCHOOL, AND IN YOUR COMMUNITY--

TO ELECT A MORE RESPONSIVE

GOVERNMENT.

IF I MAY QUOTE LEXINGTON'S

NEWEST COUNCIL MEMBER, "YOUR

CITY, IT BELONGS TO YOU, TOO."

THAT IS ALL REALLY IMPORTANT

WORK TO BE DOING OVER THE NEXT

FEW YEARS AND BEYOND.

AND LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO DO

THIS SHIT AGAIN.

AND I'M GUESSING YOU DON'T

EITHER.

YOU MIGHT WELL BE EXHAUSTED,

CONFUSED, SCARED, AND RUNNING ON

FUCKING FUMES RIGHT NOW.

WHICH IS UNDERSTANDABLE.

BUT YOU MIGHT BE SURPRISED JUST

HOW FAR YOU CAN STILL GET EVEN

ON FUMES.

AND DON'T JUST TAKE THAT FROM

ME.

TAKE IT FROM ONE OF THE WORLDS

GREATEST EVER SINGERS, BEING

COVERED BY A DIFFERENT SINGER.

♪ IF I FAIL ♪

♪ IF I SUCCEED ♪

♪ AT LEAST I'LL LIVE AS I

BELIEVE ♪

♪ NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT

ME ♪

♪ THEY CAN'T TAKE AWAY MY

DIGNITY ♪

♪ NO! ♪

John: THANKS, KATY.

I COULDN'T HAVE SUNG IT BETTER

MYSELF.

THAT IS OUR SHOW.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING,

WE WILL BE BACK NEXT WEEK.

AND WE'LL SEE YOU THEN.

GOOD NIGHT!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ ♪

OH, NO!

I DON'T WANT TO BE A FUCKING

TURKEY RIGHT NOW!

I'M NOT LEAVING!

YOU LEAVE!

I'M STAYING!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]