Original subtitles

[CHEERING]

"IN THE FINAL MOMENTS OF A MARATHON,

"TWO RUNNERS, A AND B,

"PASS A POINT THAT IS 100 METERS

"FROM THE FINISH LINE AT THE SAME TIME

"AND THEN RUN THE FINAL 100 METERS OF THE RACE

"AT DIFFERENT CONSTANT SPEEDS.

"AFTER THE RUNNERS PASS THE POINT,

"A RUNS 80 METERS IN THE TIME B RUNS 60 METERS.

"HOW MANY METERS WILL B HAVE LEFT IN THE RACE

WHEN A REACHES THE FINISH LINE?"

LET'S SEE.

WELL, "A" IS WINNING, RIGHT, BY 60--NO, 80 METERS,

BUT AT DIFFERENT CONSTANT SPEEDS,

SO "B" COULD CATCH UP,

I MEAN, IF B's CONSTANT SPEED SHOULD SOMEHOW...

NO, BUT THIS COULD BE ONE OF THOSE TRICK QUESTIONS.

SO "A" HAS TO WIN, RIGHT? YEAH.

A MUST WIN BY-- OH, GOD. WHO KNOWS?

OH, I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER.

[BANG]

HEY! WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE?

WELL, I'M NO GOOD ON THE MATH PART.

YOU'RE A MORON. IT'S EASY.

YOU GUYS SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE VERBAL SECTION.

I HAVE TO THINK THIS OVER AGAIN.

OVER AGAIN? FORGET IT. I'M EXHAUSTED.

I'LL RUN IT AGAIN. YOU KNOW, NO PROBLEM.

YOU WOULD.

GIVE HIM A BREAK.

HE'S JUST SOME JUNIOR

SWEATIN' OUT HIS S.A.T.s.

A: HEY, WHO GIVES A SHIT?

HEY, YOU GOT A PROBLEM?

AFRAID I'LL WIN? IS THAT WHAT'S HAPPENING?

YOU CAN'T WIN. YOU'RE B. YOU'RE NEVER GONNA WIN!

OH, REALLY?

YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO THE ENTIRE ALPHABET.

OH, REALLY? YEAH.

ALPHABETIZE THIS!

Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS A SHOCKING SITUATION

UNFOLDING AT THE FINISH LINE.

AND YET WASN'T THE OUTCOME ENTIRELY PREDICTABLE

WITH OUR ATHLETES COUNTING ON...

MARLON BROWNE?

Marlon: GOSH, I'M SORRY.

YOU GUYS SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN JESSICA KAILO'S S.A.T.s.

YOU'D BE DRINKING GATORADE BY NOW.

ARE YOU COPYING?

MM-MMM. NOPE.

I'M FINE. THANKS.

[TWEET]

[BELL RINGS]

Proctor: OK, GANG, IT'S ALL THROUGH.

LET'S HAND IT IN.

HERE YOU GO, MRS. WYLER.

HOW DO YOU THINK YOU DID, MARLON?

UH, I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S KIND OF HARD TO TELL FROM A BUNCH OF DOTS.

YEAH, WELL, I'M SURE YOU DID FINE.

I'M SURE YOU DID FINE.

OH!

IT'S NOTHING. REALLY.

UH, HAVE A GOOD SEMESTER.

OH, DEAR.

[CHEERING]

* NEVER MET A GIRL COULD MAKE ME FEEL THE WAY THAT YOU DO *

* YOU'RE ALL RIGHT

* WHENEVER I'M ASKED WHAT MAKES MY DREAMS REAL... *

ARE YOU GONNA TAKE THE S.A.T.s AGAIN NEXT MONTH?

I HAVE TO. WITH THE SCORES I HAVE NOW,

I CAN ONLY GET INTO THE SCHOOLS I'D NEVER GO TO.

KEL, IT'S ONE OVERRATED TEST.

YEAH, WELL, YOU CAN SAY THAT, JESSICA,

'CAUSE YOU HAVE REALLY GREAT SCORES.

LOOK, YOU GUYS, WE GOTTA EASE UP.

IF WE'RE THIS CRAZY NOW,

WHAT'S IT GONNA BE LIKE IN APRIL?

I'M NOT GONNA MAKE IT TO APRIL. I KNOW IT.

YOU KNOW, I HEARD ABOUT THIS ONE GIRL WHO LOST IT SO BAD

SHE WENT INTO A MENTAL INSTITUTION.

YOU MEAN THE ONE THAT REALLY CRACKED

AND TOOK OFF ALL HER CLOTHES IN THE INTERVIEW?

OH, YEAH. DID YOU HEAR WHAT HAPPENED?

NO.

IT WAS TERRIBLE,

BECAUSE WHEN SHE WENT IN FOR HER INTERVIEW,

SHE WAS COMPLETELY, TOTALLY PREPARED

TO DISCUSS THE NUCLEAR FREEZE,

DRUG ABUSE, VIOLENCE IN MOVIES--

ALL THE IMPORTANT ISSUES.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THE INTERVIEWER DID INSTEAD?

HE HIT HER WITH A STRESS QUESTION.

BASTARD.

JUST TO WATCH HER SQUIRM, HE ASKED,

"IF YOU COULD BE ANY MAJOR HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCE,

WHICH ONE WOULD IT BE, AND WHY?"

OHH.

SHE BLURTED OUT, "VACUUM CLEANER,"

BUT COULDN'T BACK IT UP.

IT WAS ALL DOWNHILL AFTER THAT.

NO MATTER WHAT SHE SAID, HE WASN'T INTERESTED.

FINALLY, HE TURNS TO HER AND SAYS,

"LOOKS LIKE YOUR TIME'S UP, MISS,

"UNLESS YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE INTERESTING

YOU'D LIKE TO REVEAL ABOUT YOURSELF."

AND THAT'S WHEN SHE--

SOMEONE TOLD ME SHE'S STILL IN THE HOSPITAL.

NO, SHE'S DEAD.

OHH!

SLIT HER WRISTS WITH THE APPLICATION FORM.

THAT'S HOW SHE DID IT?

DUH!

OH.

COME ON, YOU GUYS. I WAS JOKING.

LOOK, EVERY YEAR, PEOPLE PASS AROUND

THESE STORIES ABOUT THE KID WHO CRACKED.

SOMEONE JUST MADE IT UP TO SCARE US.

YEAH, WELL, IT WORKED FOR ME. I'M SCARED.

I'M TERRIFIED.

I THINK GETTING INTO COLLEGE

IS JUST LIKE ANY OTHER CAMPAIGN,

AND WE JUST NEED

A LITTLE BIT OF STRATEGY.

YEAH, THAT'S WHY I ASKED MY PARENTS TO MOVE TO MONTANA,

TO HELP ME GET INTO SOME OF THE EAST COAST SCHOOLS.

I DON'T THINK IT'S THAT CRAZY.

I'M SURE GONNA MISS MY DOG, THOUGH.

YOU'RE STARING AT ME AGAIN, MARLON.

[KISS KISS KISS]

DON'T DO THIS, OLIVER.

I'M WEAK FROM UNREQUITED LOVE.

TALK TO HER ABOUT IT

AND END THIS TWISTED CHILDHOOD OBSESSION WITH JESSICA KAILO.

THIS IS TRUE LOVE, OLIVER.

I MEAN, HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU KNOW

WHO REALLY END UP

WITH THEIR HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEARTS?

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,

WAIT TILL YOU GET TO COLLEGE TO TALK TO HER?

I HAVE SEEN SEEN A MYRIAD OF MEN

COME AND GO THROUGH JESSICA KAILO'S LIFE

SINCE THE SIXTH GRADE.

I AM NOT GOING TO MAKE THOSE SAME MISTAKES.

I'M COMMITTED.

YOU SHOULD BE COMMITTED.

I KNOW. I KNOW. YOU HAVE BIGGER PLANS.

OF COURSE I DO.

WHAT'S IT GOING TO TAKE TO CONVINCE OF THAT?

FORGET ABOUT THIS GO-TO-COLLEGE CRAP.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH EXPERIENCING THE REAL WORLD?

LOOK, WE GET OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL,

WE STICK OUT OUR THUMBS, AND POW!

WE GOT A FOUR-YEAR JUMP ON EVERYBODY.

WE MAY EVEN RUN AMUCK WITH REBEL GAME SHOW HOSTESSES

TRAVELING THE WORLD WITH UNCLAIMED VACATION PRIZES.

I'M SORRY, OLIVER. I JUST--

I DON'T BUY INTO THE THEORY

THAT ON DAY ONE OF REAL LIFE,

WE STICK OUT OUR THUMBS, AND POW,

VANNA WHITE PICKS US UP AND DRIVES US OFF

INTO A BRIGHT AN EXCITING TOMORROW.

WELL, I DON'T BUY INTO THE THEORY

THAT GETTING A COLLEGE EDUCATION

HAS GOTTA REVOLVE ENTIRELY AROUND THE POSSIBILITY

OF JESSICA KAILO FINALLY GIVING YOU THE TIME OF DAY!

[ALL NOISE STOPS]

IT'S 12:30.

THANK YOU.

SURE.

Girl: OH, MAN.

HA HA HA!

HERE WE GO.

HA HA!

HI, MRS. ELSWIT-MERCADO-HAZELBAUM.

I'M HERE TO SEE MRS. WYLER.

OH!

I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE, JESSICA.

OK. THANK YOU, MRS. WYLER.

HI...MARTIN.

MARLON...BROWNE.

YOU'RE GOING TO VOTE FOR ME?

OH, VOTE FOR YOU... IN THE ELECTION.

FOR CLASS PRESIDENT.

OF COURSE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

I WOULD LOVE TO. WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME A BUTTON,

AND THEN I'LL DO PUBLICITY FOR YOU.

BUTTONS ARE $1.00. MM-HMM.

[GIGGLES]

OH, ALL RIGHT.

NO, IT'S A JOKE. IT'S A JOKE.

THEY'RE JUST KIDDING YOU.

THERE YOU GO. IT LOOKS GREAT.

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME SOME EXTRA ONES,

AND THEN I'LL PASS THEM OUT FOR YOU.

OK. I APPRECIATE THAT.

OK, JESSICA.

WHEN ELECTED, MARLON, I WON'T LET YOU DOWN.

BYE.

HI. SO HOW WAS ITALY, JESSICA?

AH, IT WAS GREAT. IT CHANGED MY LIFE.

WELL, BEING AN EXCHANGE STUDENT

LOOKS SUPER ON YOUR RECORD.

YOU'D BE SURPRISED HOW IMPORTANT IT IS

THE WAY YOU SPEND YOUR SUMMERS.

IT'S GETTING INSANE.

OK, LET'S SEE.

LAST SPRING,

YOUR FIRST CHOICE WAS MICHIGAN.

MY PARENTS ARE ALUMS. THAT'S WHERE THEY MET.

WELL, MICHIGAN'S AN EXCELLENT SCHOOL,

SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

I WANT TO GO TO RAMSEY COLLEGE.

OOH, GOODY! RAMSEY.

I MET A GROUP OF KIDS IN ITALY WHO GO TO RAMSEY.

THEY WERE ON THIS JUNIOR YEAR ABROAD PROGRAM IN VENICE

TO SAVE THE ITALIAN FRESCOES FROM POLLUTION.

AND WHILE I WAS THERE,

I REALIZED THAT'S EXACTLY THE SORT OF THING I WANT TO DO

I MEAN, INSTEAD OF BEING A SORORITY GIRL,

WHICH IS BASICALLY THE DIRECTION

I'VE BEEN HEADED IN EVER SINCE BIRTH.

MRS. WYLER, THOSE KIDS ARE SO COOL.

I MEAN, WHEN THEY ORDER SPAGHETTI, THEY CALL IT PASTA.

LOOK, I THINK YOU HAVE

A WONDERFUL CHANCE TO GET INTO RAMSEY,

SO APPLY THERE AND APPLY TO MICHIGAN.

RIGHT.

HERE YOU GO.

OH, THANK YOU. GOOD LUCK.

THANKS. BYE. BYE.

DO YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT, MARLON?

OR DID YOU JUST DROP IN?

HERE. COME HERE.

BYE-BYE.

SO, MARLON, ANY SPECIFIC COLLEGE PLAN?

WELL, YOU KNOW JESSICA KAILO.

THIS JESSICA KAILO?

MM-HMM. THIS JESSICA KAILO.

THE SAME ONE THAT JUST LEFT?

WELL, MY COLLEGE PLAN SPECIFICALLY

IS TO GO WHEREVER SHE MIGHT BE GOING.

THAT'S YOUR COLLEGE PLAN?

MM-HMM. THAT'S ABOUT THE SIZE OF IT.

OUR PROJECTIONS INDICATE

THAT WE CAN EXPECT OVER 8,000 APPLICATIONS

FOR THE 470 PLACES IN NEXT YEAR'S CLASS.

WOW. IN OTHER WORDS,

THAT'S ALMOST 20 CANDIDATES FOR EACH AVAILABLE SPOT.

THANKS, SALLY.

IN OTHER WORDS, IT'S A SELLER'S MARKET.

HEAR, HEAR.

NOW, AS USUAL, WE ARE TOP-HEAVY WITH STUDENTS FROM BOTH COASTS,

SO FOR THOSE OF YOU RECRUITING OUT WEST,

EYES OUT FOR THAT MYTHICAL KID FROM MONTANA.

[GIGGLES]

YES, MISS SACHIE, SOMETHING FUNNY?

NO. NO, SIR. I'M--I'M SORRY.

OH, YES, AND YESTERDAY I RECEIVED THIS MESSAGE

FROM THE MUSIC DEPARTMENT.

"JESUS, BOB, NO MORE OBOES."

NO MORE OBOES. HO HO!

LOCK UP THEIR PENCILS. THAT'S ONE FUNNY BUNCH.

BY THE WAY, DID EVERYONE SEE

THE POSTER KIP DESIGNED?

OH, YEAH. HAMMETT, THE FLOOR IS YOURS.

OK. WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST OUR REGULAR BROCHURE,

BUT UNFOLDED, IT'S AN ART-QUALITY POSTER.

SALLY, CAN YOU--

SEE. "AT RAMSEY,

WE'RE LOOKING BEYOND THE NUMBERS."

[COUGH COUGH]

BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN EXACTLY?

WHAT IT MEANS, FLUTTER, IS THAT, SURE,

GRADES AND S.A.T.s ARE IMPORTANT TO US,

BUT PEOPLE IMPRESS US MORE.

WE'RE SENDING A MESSAGE.

WANT TO KNOW THE MESSAGE THAT THIS POSTER IS SENDING, KIP?

NO.

BOB, IT SOUNDS TO ME

LIKE RAMSEY HAS AN INFERIORITY COMPLEX.

COME ON. WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? RAMSEY ALWAYS GETS GREAT KIDS.

I WENT HERE.

EXACTLY.

I MEAN, I THINK OUR MESSAGE SHOULD BE

THAT WE'RE SCRUTINIZING THE NUMBERS.

SO DO I.

WE SHOULD BE COMPETITIVE WITH ALL THE TOP SCHOOLS.

CHANCELLOR HOLBROOKE, COME IN, PLEASE.

SIT DOWN, EVERYONE.

IS THAT A NEW SUIT?

IT'S YOUR COLOR, MRS. HOLBROOKE.

THANK YOU, LEO.

Bob: AS I THINK ALL OF YOU KNOW,

I'LL BE MOVING ON TO ANOTHER SCHOOL NEXT YEAR.

CHANCELLOR HOLBROOKE WILL BE NAMING MY REPLACEMENT,

SO I THOUGHT I WOULD ASK HER TO COME IN

AND SAY A FEW WORDS.

AND THOSE FEW WORDS ARE

I AM LOOKING TO PROMOTE FROM WITHIN.

I ALSO WANT TO THANK BOB

FOR THE FINE WORK HE'S DONE THE LAST 17 YEARS.

THE QUALITY OF OUR APPLICANT POOL

JUST GETS BETTER AND BETTER.

LEO SAYS THIS YEAR'S KIDS SHOULD BE OFF THE CHARTS.

THANK YOU, CHANCELLOR.

JOANNA.

THIS YEAR, WE ARE GOING TO GET KILLER KIDS,

THE KIND OF STUDENT THAT CAN MAKE IT

IN THE REAL WORLD,

THE KIND THAT CAN LAND THOSE HIGH-PAYING JOBS

AND DRIVE THOSE BIG CARS.

LIKE THAT BMW YOU LEASE, RIGHT, LEO?

I THINK MY CAR SENDS A VERY STRONG MESSAGE.

AND IF I HAD DESIGNED THIS POSTER,

IT MIGHT READ--SALLY--

"COME TO RAMSEY,

AND ONE DAY YOU, TOO, WILL OWN A BMW."

THANK YOU, SALLY.

NOW, THAT'S A SENTIMENT THAT WON'T BE LOST

ON TODAY'S CAREER-MINDED STUDENTS.

WHAT ABOUT KIDS THAT, YOU KNOW, AREN'T SENTIMENTAL ABOUT CARS?

DO WE JUST REJECT ALL OF THEM?

LIFE'S FULL OF REJECTION, HAMMETT.

I THINK WE'RE DOING THE LOW-CALIBER APPLICANT

A FAVOR BY LETTING THEM KNOW THAT

RIGHT AT THE STARTING LINE.

IT'S VERY PAINFUL TO BE REJECTED BY A COLLEGE,

MARLON, AND YOU DON'T HAVE THE NUMBERS

TO GET INTO RAMSEY.

BUT I CAN TAKE MY S.A.T.s OVER AGAIN, RIGHT?

AND YOU SHOULD ALSO START TRYING

TO FIND SOME SAFETIES,

LIKE MAYBE A STATE SCHOOL UP IN THE UPPER PENINSULA.

JESSICA KAILO'S APPLYING THERE?

GET OUT OF HERE, MARLON. GO. LEAVE. BEGONE. GET OUT.

THANK YOU, MRS. WYLER.

"AT RAMSEY, WE'RE LOOKING BEYOND THE NUMBERS."

I'M BEGINNING TO LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT, KIP.

YEAH, IT'LL HELP US ROOT OUT THE PIGS, FLUTTER.

OR ANY OTHER BARNYARD ANIMALS WHO ARE TRYING TO APPLY.

Flutter: IF YOU'D READ THAT FOLDER,

YOU'D HAVE FALLEN FOR IT, TOO.

COME ON, FLUTTER. I MEAN,

THE TRANSCRIPT READ "I. M. A. PIG."

IRVIN MICHAEL ANTHONY PIGGSVILLE--

P-I WITH A DOUBLE G. IT WAS A BRILLIANT PRANK.

IT WOULD HAVE FOOLED ANYONE.

IT ONLY FOOLED YOU, FLUTTER.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

OK, WHAT IS THIS?

ALL RIGHT, A YEAR AGO, I WAS TRICKED INTO ADMITTING A PIG,

AND I WAS MADE A FOOL OF,

BUT CAN'T YOU LET ME FORGET IT, LEO?

COME ON. I MEAN, ALWAYS HIDING THESE PIGS

IN MY OFFICE.

PLEASE! AAH!

[SQUEAKING]

IT TAKES A SPECIAL BREED OF ADMISSIONS OFFICER

TO ADMIT AN ANIMAL.

YEAH, EVEN ONE WITH ALL THE NUMBERS.

THE NUMBERS ARE GREAT. I'VE GOT 'EM IN MY OFFICE.

HEY, GUYS, COACH EVANS IS LOOKING FOR YOU.

All: COACH EVANS. BREAK!

[TWEET] HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, YOU PEOPLE.

IT MAKES ME NERVOUS

WHEN YOU BOYS DISAPPEAR BEHIND CLOSED DOORS.

I END UP WITH ATHLETIC CHEMISTS

AND WELL-ROUNDED POLITICAL SCIENCE MAJORS

INSTEAD OF SOMEBODY WHO CAN RUN WITH A FOOTBALL.

HAND-OFF TO YOU, KIP.

I'VE GOT A LUNCH WITH THE CHANCELLOR.

OH!

NICE MOVE.

BUT YOU AND I, WE'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT IT NOW, GODDAMN IT!

GODDAMN IT!

NINA! COACH, COME ON. I GIVE. UNCLE. UNCLE.

NOW, JUST IN CASE YOU'VE FORGOTTEN WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE,

THIS IS AN ATHLETE.

Kip: RONNY "SURE HANDS" PAULSON?

SURE HANDS. HE'S ALREADY THE CENTER

OF AN ALL-OUT BIDDING WAR.

MAYBE WE COULD JUST MENTION A CAR THIS YEAR,

A SMALL CAR.

I MEAN, SOME SCHOOLS ARE OFFERING

STOCK PORTFOLIOS, GODDAMN IT.

YOU'D BETTER COORDINATE WITH NINA.

SHE'S OUR MAN IN CHARGE OF MINORITY RECRUITMENT.

THIS IS NOT MINORITY RECRUITMENT.

THIS IS ATHLETICS.

LOOK, THIS KID CAN GET IN ANYWHERE.

I WANT SOMEONE WHO NEEDS RAMSEY.

WELL, ME, TOO, IF HE CAN CATCH A GODDAMN FOOTBALL.

HA HA HA!

SEE YOU, COACH.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST COME WITH US TO THE COLLEGE FAIR

AND AT LEAST TALK TO THE RAMSEY PEOPLE?

AW, I SHOULD TALK TO THE RAMSEY PEOPLE?

THERE ARE JUST ABOUT 8 ZILLION KIDS

DYING TO GET INTO MICHIGAN.

LOOK, YOUR SISTERS WENT TO MICHIGAN.

THEY LOVED MICHIGAN. THEY SURVIVED.

YEAH, THEY ALL SURVIVED HAM PINEAPPLE SURPRISE, TOO, DAD.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HAM PINEAPPLE SURPRISE?

YOUR SISTERS ALL ASKED FOR THE RECIPE.

DAD, YOU KNOW I'M NOT LIKE MY SISTERS,

AND I'M READY TO START MAKING MY OWN DECISIONS

WITH WHAT I WANT TO DO MY LIFE, RIGHT?

SHE WANTS TO SAVE ITALIAN FRESCOES.

OH, LA SANTA JESSICA, HOW SWEET.

DID YOU EVER THINK THERE MIGHT BE

SOMETHING ELSE AROUND HERE THAT NEEDED SAVING?

DID YOU EVER GO TO DOWNTOWN DETROIT?

THE WHOLE PLACE HAS TO BE SCRAPED AND SPRAYED.

COME ON, DAD. BE SERIOUS.

OH, I AM SERIOUS, HONEY.

I MEAN, WHY SHOULD WE PAY $10,000

FOR YOU TO GO TO RAMSEY

WHEN YOU CAN GO TO MICHIGAN FOR 2?

I MEAN, COME ON, IS THE FOOTBALL TEAM 5 TIMES CUTER?

YOU GET AN EDUCATION THAT'S 5 TIMES BETTER?

I'LL GET A JOB.

I'M ALREADY LOOKING INTO STUDENT LOANS.

I REALLY WISH YOU'D DECIDE TO COME WITH.

THERE'S BEEN A BIG CHANGE

WITH STUDENT LOANS, YOU KNOW.

THEY WANT TO GET PAID BACK.

MOM? WHAT?

IS DAD REALLY MY FATHER?

HONEY.

RAH, RAH, RAMSEY.

OK, LET'S MEET THOSE RAMSEY PEOPLE. COME ON.

DAD, ARE YOU REALLY GONNA WEAR THAT HAT?

NO, YOUR MOTHER'S GONNA WEAR THE HAT.

OH, GEORGE, WE'RE SO GLAD

YOU'RE KEEPING AN OPEN MIND.

OPEN WALLET'S MORE LIKE IT.

COLLEGE FAIR. COLLEGE FAIR.

YOU KNOW, JACK KEROUAC NEVER WENT TO A COLLEGE FAIR, MARLON.

OH, YEAH? WELL, HE WOULD HAVE

IF HE KNEW JESSICA KAILO WAS GONNA BE THERE.

A GREAT AFTERNOON WASTED

IN BORING, UNEVENTFUL, AND PREDICTABLE FORMALITY.

AAH! AAH!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MARLON, DON'T FORGET. SAFETY FIRST.

GET PLENTY OF SAFETIES.

AAH! AAH!

LONE STAR STATE. Y'ALL COME IN AND CHECK US OUT.

YEE-HAH! YEE-HAH!

AAH! AAH!

HI, BOYS. WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES?

OLIVER. MARLON. EXCUSE ME?

OLIVER. MARLON.

WHAT'D YOU SAY?

I CAN'T HEAR YOU, BOY!

MARLON! OLIVER!

SO YOU GIRLS WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE?

NO. YEAH!

COLLEGE IS FOR PUSSIES!

HEY, HOLD IT. STOP RIGHT THERE, STUDENT UNITS.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN ROBOTICS AND ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE?

SURE! YEAH!

THEN COME ALONG AND FOLLOW ME.

REGARD, MARLON, THE NERD FACTOR

FOLLOWED BY THE ASIAN FACTOR.

ALL OF US EXPECTED TO PLAY OUR ALLOTTED ROLES

ACCORDING TO FUTURE NEEDS OF A PLANNED ECONOMY.

HEY, AT LEAST WE HAVE A FUTURE.

FROM WHAT I HEAR, MARLON COULD END UP FLIPPING HAMBURGERS.

HOW DID HE KNOW? WHAT, ARE MY GRADES POSTED

ON A BULLETIN BOARD SOMEWHERE?

AAH! AAH!

I'M GLAD YOU'RE INTERESTED IN US, JESSICA,

'CAUSE RAMSEY'S A CAMPUS FULL OF REAL INDIVIDUALS.

THAT'S GREAT.

THOSE ARE THE PEOPLE

YOU WANT TO SPEND 4 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE WITH?

MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GO OVER THERE ALONE.

LET ME GIVE YOU MY CARD.

GOOD LUCK.

PLEASE, GIVE US A CALL, ANY OF YOU,

IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS.

OH, THANK YOU.

OH, I HAVE A QUESTION, YOUNG MAN.

IS THE PIZZA AT RAMSEY

5 TIMES BETTER THAN THE PIZZA AT MICHIGAN?

DADDY. I HOPE YOU ANSWER THAT

BY COMING TO OUR OPEN HOUSE, MR. KAILO.

SOME OF US WILL BE THERE.

WE'LL BE THERE. DEFINITELY.

OH, YEAH. COUNT ON US.

THANKS.

HI. COULD I ANSWER

ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT RAMSEY?

UH, NO. NO.

THIS IS THE SCHOOL I WANTED RIGHT HERE.

WELCOME TO THE ARCADIA BIBLE ACADEMY.

LAST NIGHT, JESUS CHRIST APPEARED TO ME

IN A VISION ON A FLAMING PYRE,

AND HE SPOKE UNTO ME AND SAID, "I WANT--"

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

MARLON? MARLON!

"I WANT MARLON TO ATTEND THE ARCADIA BIBLE ACADEMY,

PAYING FULL TUITION, OF COURSE."

SON, JESUS LOVES YOU.

HE MIGHT NOT IF HE SAW MY S.A.T. SCORES.

THEY'RE LOW? LOW.

ALL RIGHT.

THANKS, ANYWAY. YEAH.

JESUS.

WELL, I'VE BEEN WORKING AT RAMSEY ABOUT A YEAR.

AND I REALLY DO ENJOY IT.

EXCUSE ME. IS IT TOO LATE TO ASK QUESTIONS?

NO, NO, NO. IT'S NEVER TOO LATE.

CHOOSING A COLLEGE IS A MAJOR DECISION.

GIVEN SOME THOUGHT TO YOUR EDUCATIONAL GOALS?

WELL, PERSONALLY SPEAKING,

SAY, UH, I WERE IN LOVE WITH A GIRL.

BUT OBVIOUSLY SHE WOULDN'T BE INTERESTED IN ME

UNTIL I HAD SOMETHING MORE TO OFFER HER

AND THE WORLD IN GENERAL,

AND I KNOW THAT RAMSEY

WOULD BE A GOOD PLACE FOR ME TO GO AND DO THAT.

YOU WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE TO BROADEN YOUR MIND...

RIGHT.

BECAUSE YOU WANT TO WIN THIS GIRL.

JESSICA KAILO.

I TALKED TO JESSICA KAILO.

SO HAVE I. ONCE.

ONCE. YOU'RE FOLLOWING A GIRL TO COLLEGE

YOU'VE TALKED TO ONCE.

LOOK, UM...

MARLON. MARLON.

MARLON, DO YOU THINK THIS IS

THE BEST WAY TO PLAN YOUR FUTURE?

MAYBE NOT THE BEST WAY, BUT PEOPLE CHOOSE COLLEGES

FOR ALL KINDS OF IDIOTIC REASONS,

LIKE FRATERNITIES AND SLAVIC LANGUAGE DEPARTMENTS.

BUT I GOT TO TELL YOU,

TRAILING AFTER A GIRL IS RISKY.

SOMEONE LIKE JESSICA KAILO, I'M SURE SHE HAS PLANS.

ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU'RE RIGHT.

PEOPLE HAVE GIVEN ME MUCH WORSE REASONS

FOR WANTING TO GET INTO RAMSEY.

NO KIDDING. I BET.

MARLON, WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE MY CARD.

YOU AND YOUR PARENTS COME TO OUR OPEN HOUSE.

ALL RIGHT?

WELL, ACTUALLY IT'S MY DAD AND MY STEPMOTHER,

AND THEY'RE KIND OF BUSY.

AH, THAT'S OK. YOU COME, THEN.

REALLY?

YEAH.

WOW. I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS, MR. HAMMETT.

YOU'LL DEFINITELY BE HEARING FROM ME. AHH!

HELP.

OK, WILLIE, FIND THE TETRAHEDRON.

NO, THAT'S A HEXAGON, SWEETIE.

SEE? COUNT.

Both: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

WILLIE!

MARLON.

AIRPLANE. AIRPLANE.

AIRPLANE. AIRPLANE.

ALL RIGHT, GIVE ME YOUR ARM.

GIVE ME YOUR LEG.

RRRRR!

I HATE WHEN HE DOES THAT.

SO, MARLON, ANY PROGRESS ON THE OLD COLLEGE FRONT?

YEP. I TALKED TO A GUY ABOUT A SCHOOL TODAY.

WHICH ONE? HARVARD?

[CHUCKLES]

NO, SHARON.

MOM.

CALL SHARON MOM, MARLON.

COME ON. GIVE IT A TRY.

COME ON.

NO, MOM, IT WASN'T OLD HARVARD

OR STANFORD OR EVEN M.I.T.

IT'S RAMSEY.

RAMSEY. WHERE ELSE DID YOU LOOK?

NOWHERE ELSE.

OH, FOR GOD'S SAKES, MARLON.

I THOUGHT THE IDEA WAS TO MAKE A LIST.

WELL, OF COURSE IT WAS, A LONG, PRACTICAL LIST.

HOW MANY HUNDREDS OF COLLEGES WERE AT THAT FAIR,

HOW MANY THOUSANDS EXIST IN THIS COUNTRY,

AND YOU COME UP WITH A LIST OF ONE?

AND I DON'T THINK HE'LL GET INTO THERE.

WELL, OF COURSE HE WON'T.

THE THING ABOUT RAMSEY, DAD, IS THAT

THEY ACTUALLY CONSIDER PEOPLE LIKE ME.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, THEY'RE SEARCHING FOR SOMEONE

WITH A DEFINITIVE COLLECTION OF SILVER SURFER COMIC BOOKS?

THIS IS NOT HELPFUL. COME ON. OUT. OUT. COME ON.

I GOT THIS FOR YOU.

"BAUER & BENEDEK

COLLEGE PREPARATION SERVICE"?

WELL, SOMEONE IN SHARON'S-- YOUR MOM'S--AEROBICS CLASS

SENT THEIR KID THERE. I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE THEY CAN DO SOMETHING FOR YOU.

NOW, I WANT YOU TO GO, MARLON.

IT'S TIME YOU GOT YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE CLOUDS.

WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT, DAD,

AND IT IS. IT'S OUT.

I MADE A VALUABLE CONTACT TODAY,

AND I REALLY THINK THAT YOU SHOULD TRUST ME ON THIS ONE.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, BILL?

HE'LL STILL BE LIVING AT HOME NEXT YEAR?

"IN THE MIDDLE OF A SHARK-INFESTED HARBOR,

2 MEN, A AND B STRIKE A SUBMERGED BOULDER."

DO SOMETHING, YOU-- YOU IDIOT!

"THEIR TILTED BOAT BEGINS TAKING ON WATER

"AT THE RATE OF 5 GALLONS PER MINUTE.

"IF MAN A CAN DUMP 2 GALLONS PER MINUTE,

"HOW MUCH WATER MUST MAN B BAIL

TO KEEP THE 60-CUBIC-FOOT BOAT FROM SINKING?"

OH, JESUS.

WHAT? WHAT'S GOING ON?

IT'S THAT MORON.

HIM? AW, CHRIST.

OH, THINGS ARE DIFFERENT

NOW THAT WE'RE IN THE SAME BOAT, HUH?

WE'RE GONNA DIE!

WOULD YOU GUYS STOP WORRYING?

THIS IS A PRACTICE TEST. I'M IN A CLASS.

BAIL, PUNK, BAIL.

AND AS EVERYONE AGREES,

IT'S QUESTIONS LIKE THIS ONE THAT FORCED YOU IN HERE.

YEAH. YEAH.

WELCOME TO THE BAUER- BENEDEK WORKSHOP.

IT'S HARD, AND LET'S FACE IT.

IF YOU HAD A SNOWBALL'S CHANCE IN HELL

OF SOLVING THIS PROBLEM,

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO BE HERE

ON A BEAUTIFUL SATURDAY MORNING

PREPARING TO TAKE YOUR S.A.T.s OVER AGAIN.

AM I RIGHT?

[SOBBING]

OK.

BUT DOES THAT MEAN YOU SHOULD LEAVE THE QUESTION BLANK?

YES.

NEVER. RIGHT, FRANCINE.

A BLANK ANSWER GETS YOU ZERO POINTS.

NOW, KNOWING THAT AND APPLYING THE LAW OF AVERAGES TELLS YOU

THAT IF YOU CAN ELIMINATE TWO CHOICES

OUT OF A 5-ANSWER QUESTION

OR ONE CHOICE FROM A QUESTION THAT HAS ONLY FOUR,

THEN YOU'RE MUCH BETTER OFF GUESSING

THAN LEAVING THE QUESTION BLANK

WHICH GIVES YOU ZERO POINTS. ARE YOU WITH ME SO FAR?

NO.

WELL, THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF THE BAUER-BENEDEK SYSTEM.

YOU SEE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO UNDERSTAND US, JUST...

TRUST US. TRUST US.

GUESSING CANNOT HURT YOU.

YOU HAVE THE B & B GUARANTEE ON THAT.

JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES AND POINT.

[SOBBING]

KEEP BAILING. WE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

OH, REALLY? THE MORON'S BACK.

LOOK, YOU GUYS, IT'S OK TO GUESS.

SKIP IT.

SO LET'S SAY THE ANSWER IS--

LET'S JUST MAKE IT D.

D?! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT? D?!

NO, UH, B.

YOU'RE GOING TO KILL US!

LEAVE IT BLANK! LEAVE IT BLANK!

GO BACK TO IT.

GO BY IT. NEXT QUESTION.

IT'S A--B!

SAVE US!

A.

THANK YOU.

MARLON, HOW DID IT GO?

OK. I'M NOT TOO SURE ABOUT THE GUESSING PART, THOUGH.

YOU'RE LIKE EVERY KID WHO WALKS IN HERE,

MARLON--GULLIBLE.

THE PROCESS HAS YOU INTIMIDATED.

YOU THINK GETTING INTO THE COLLEGE OF CHOICE

HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH HOW SMART YOU ARE,

WHEN YOU KNOW WHAT IT ACTUALLY IS?

IT'S IMAGING. IT'S PR AND STRATEGY,

SELLING YOURSELF AND MARKETING,

POSITIONING AND PACKAGING.

WOW! IT SOUNDS LIKE I COULD SKIP COLLEGE

AND GO STRAIGHT TO PRODUCT ENDORSEMENT.

LOOK, CAN YOU GUYS HELP ME GET INTO RAMSEY COLLEGE?

HOW ABOUT SPORTS? IF YOU'RE GOOD,

IT'S ALWAYS GONNA HELP YOU.

FOOTBALL, BASEBALL, SOCCER, SWIMMING?

LACROSSE, WRESTLING, POLO?

DISCUS, TENNIS, VOLLEYBALL, JAVELIN,

SOMETHING? ONE YEAR I WON

THE NEIGHBORHOOD ASSOCIATION PING-PONG CHAMPIONSHIP.

PING-PONG.

DO YOU HAVE YOUR CHECK, MARLON?

THANK YOU, MARLON.

THANKS.

* ...WHERE I MAKE MY ESCAPE

* OUT OF THE BLUE I SEE SOME GOOD RHYMES *

* THAT I NEED TO TAPE

* I USED TO SAY 'EM OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD, MAN *

SEE, RON IS JUST A TREMENDOUS ATHLETE,

AND HE'S TALKING TO THEM BIG SCHOOLS.

WHAT THEY'RE SAYING TO HIM

IS MONEY, APARTMENTS, CARS.

YOU KNOW, SOME SCHOOLS HAVE EVEN OFFERED

TO BRING ME UP ON HOLIDAYS, OFF-SEASON,

MAYBE EVEN BRING MY RONNY HOME ON WEEKENDS.

WHA--

SEE, HE'S OVERWHELMED.

HE WANTS TO MAKE THE RIGHT DECISIONS,

BUT HE'S ONLY HUMAN.

AND YOU AND I BOTH KNOW HE'LL GENERATE A SHITLOAD--

EXCUSE MY FRENCH--

UH...HE'LL GENERATE A SHITLOAD OF MONEY

FOR WHATEVER SCHOOL HE GOES TO.

RONNY, DO YOU WANT TO GO TO--

SOME SCHOOLS HAVE EVEN MENTIONED

STOCK PORTFOLIOS.

YEAH, I'VE HEARD OF THOSE SCHOOLS

WHO OFFER THINGS TO ATHLETES.

NOT TO JUST ATHLETES, MISS SACHIE.

I THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR ALL-STATE,

RONNY.

OH, THANK YOU.

NOW WE MIGHT AS WELL SAY GOOD-BYE

BECAUSE OTHER THAN A SCHOLARSHIP,

I CAN'T REALLY OFFER YOU ANYTHING,

OR YOUR COACH.

THE TRUTH IS, OUR TEAM

ISN'T REALLY THAT GREAT ANYWAY.

SO, I'M SURE YOU HAVE OTHER PEOPLE

FOR RONNY TO MEET AND TALK ABOUT

YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN.

IF YOU WANT TO TALK EDUCATION, RONNY,

GIVE ME A CALL.

UM, CAN WE AT LEAST GET YOUR PHONE NUMBER?

LET ME GET SOME PAPER.

I'VE GOT A CARD...

MAY I HAVE THIS PIECE OF PAPER?

WHAT'S YOUR NUMBER?

I KNOW THAT DIDN'T JUST HAPPEN.

EXCUSE ME.

ACTUALLY, THERE WERE WORDS ON THAT PIECE OF PAPER

THAT I WAS READING, YOU OLD FOOL!

I'LL, UH, GIVE YOU A CALL.

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN WATCHING

SURE HANDS BE RECRUITED,

BUT I HAVE NEVER SEEN TECHNIQUE LIKE THAT BEFORE.

[RAP MUSIC PLAYS]

MORRIS!

WOULD YOU CHILL OUT WITH THE NOISE, PLEASE?!

* THE LAST RAPPER IN THE WORLD-- *

THANK YOU.

THAT GIRL STUDYING,

WHAT GRADE IS SHE IN?

OH, VERA COOKE? SHE'S A SENIOR.

HUH. WHAT KIND OF COLLEGE PLANS

WOULD SHE HAVE, DO YOU THINK?

COMMUNITY COLLEGE, MAYBE. I DON'T KNOW.

WHY DON'T YOU ASK HER?

GOOD IDEA.

EXCUSE ME. VERA?

YES!

UM, MY NAME IS NINA SACHIE.

DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE?

SURE.

I'M A RECRUITER FROM RAMSEY COLLEGE.

NOW, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE HEARD OF IT--

I'VE HEARD OF IT ENOUGH TO KNOW

YOU'RE NOT GIVING AWAY CARS.

I'M REALLY SORRY IF WE DISTURBED YOU,

BUT DID YOU HAPPEN TO HEAR ANYTHING ELSE

THAT MADE AN IMPRESSION?

WELL, THE PART ABOUT A SERIOUS EDUCATION

SOUNDED NICE, AND BEING OFF IN OASIS,

BUT I'M SURE THAT STUFF ONLY APPLIES

FOR PEOPLE LIKE RONNY PAULSON.

NO, NO, THAT'S NOT NECESSARILY TRUE.

IN FACT, I'D LOVE TO TELL YOU MORE

ABOUT IT IF YOU'RE INTERESTED.

OH, WELL, SOUNDS GREAT, BUT THE PROBLEM IS

I'M GETTING READY TO GO TO WORK.

OH, WELL, COULD WE TALK ABOUT IT AT WORK?

SURE. IF YOU WANT TO.

SO, WHAT DO YOU DO?

WELL, I'M SOMEWHAT OF A SPUD TECHNICIAN.

Nina: AND THAT IS WHY I WAS SO EXCITED

ABOUT FINDING VERA IN THE LIBRARY TODAY.

I COULD TELL THAT SHE'S PASSIONATE.

I'M JUST A LITTLE ENTHUSIASTIC.

YOU ARE.

I NEVER WANT TO TELL MY KIDS THEY CAN'T DO SOMETHING--

LINDEY, DON'T RIDE THAT THING LIKE THAT--

BECAUSE THAT'S NOT GOOD.

IT JUST DEFLATES THEIR ASPIRATIONS,

BUT, VERA--

WATCH OUT, MOM.

YOU'RE JUST ABOUT TO DEFLATE MY ASPIRATIONS.

I'M SORRY, VERA,

BUT I CAN'T SIT HERE

AND LISTEN TO SOMEBODY

TEMPT YOU WITH OFFERS SHE CAN'T DELIVER.

I CAN PROMISE A FAIR SHAKE

FROM THE ADMISSIONS COMMITTEE.

I'M LOOKING FOR MORE THAN A FAIR SHAKE FOR VERA.

I'M LOOKING FOR HER TO HAVE A REAL CAREER.

MOM--

FIRST, GET THE JOB.

THEN GO TO COLLEGE AT NIGHT IF YOU WANT TO.

THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT.

COOKIES!

MY MOTHER'S A BIT STUBBORN,

BUT I'LL KEEP TALKING TO HER.

AND I'LL CALL HER AND TALK TO HER SOME MORE.

MEANWHILE, I WANT YOU TO SEE RAMSEY.

YOU'VE GOT TO COME TO OUR OPEN HOUSE.

HOW ABOUT IF I TELL HER I'M ATTENDING

A McD.L.T. TRAINING SEMINAR.

SEE YOU LATER.

SEE YOU LATER.

CAN I HELP YOU, PLEASE?

[MOVIE PLAYING ON TV]

OH, I LOVE THIS PART.

SO, HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

THE BEST. I FOUND SOMEONE UNBELIEVABLE

JUST SITTING IN THE LIBRARY THINKING

THAT SWING SHIFT KEYPUNCH

WAS THE BEST LIFE HAS TO OFFER.

YEAH. THIS DOESN'T SOUND LIKE

RONNY "SURE HANDS" PAULSON.

SHE IS SOMEBODY NOBODY WANTS.

OH, GREAT. HOW ARE HER NUMBERS?

OUCH.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ASKED THAT.

THEY DON'T SOUND SO GOOD.

SHE'S BRIGHT, ARTICULATE, FEISTY...

SHE NEEDS A FULL SCHOLARSHIP...

MAYBE SHE DOES.

[AIRPLANE APPROACHING]

"TWO MEN, A AND B, JUMP FROM A PLANE AT 20,000 FEET,

"2 SECONDS APART, AND FALL AT CONSTANT SPEEDS.

"AT WHAT HEIGHT MUST B OPEN HIS PARACHUTE

IN ORDER TO LAND AT THE SAME TIME AS A?"

I THINK IT'S B...C?

YOU'RE KILLING ME!

A! A! A!

ANSWER THE QUESTION!

E!

ANSWER THE QUESTION, MARLON!

I DON'T KNOW! AAH!

I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW!

AAH! AAH!

I'M STILL NOT CONVINCED ABOUT THE GUESSING PART.

YEAH, WELL, THAT WAS MY LAST CHANCE

FOR THAT STUPID TEST.

IF THAT BAUER & BENEDEK STUFF DOESN'T WORK,

I MIGHT END UP AT THE EAST MICHIGAN SCHOOL OF BEAUTY.

HI, GUYS. HI.

HEY, DID YOU KNOW MARLON'S APPLYING

TO RAMSEY, TOO? OH.

WELL, IT'S ON MY LIST OF SCHOOLS,

BUT I'M CONSIDERING A VERY LONG LIST.

NOT ME. MY MOM'S DRIVING ME UP TO RAMSEY'S OPEN HOUSE

NEXT WEEK FOR MY INTERVIEW.

YEAH, WELL, WE JUST WENT

TO THE BAUER & BENEDEK SCHOOL ON INTERVIEWING

AND IT BETTER WORK.

I KNOW. THEY SAID YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE

CONFIDENT, BUT NOT ARROGANT.

YEAH, FRANK, BUT DON'T LIE.

SPONTANEOUS, BUT NEVER COMBUST.

SO ARE YOU GOING FOR AN INTERVIEW THEN?

OH, SURE. IN FACT, THE INTERVIEW IS GONNA BE

KEY FOR ME SINCE I'M THE TYPE WHO COMES ACROSS

MUCH BETTER IN PERSON THAN ON PAPER.

OH, YOU DO? WELL, MAYBE I'LL SEE YOU THERE.

RIGHT. I'LL LOOK FOR YOU.

OK. BYE.

ALL RIGHT, GIRLS, REALITY CHECK HERE.

DOES MARLON BROWNE REALLY STAND A CHANCE AT RAMSEY?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

MARLON BROWNE? MARLON BROWNE?

OH, WELL, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

I DON'T KNOW, THOUGH.

HE'S KIND OF CUTE IN A WEIRD WAY, HUH?

YOU KNOW, I THINK YOU THINK THAT

BECAUSE HE'S YOUR COMPETITION.

YOU KNOW, SINCE HE'S REALLY NO COMPETITION,

I THINK YOU'RE FEELING... GRATEFUL BUT CONFUSED.

YOU KNOW, BY AN EXAGGERATED SENSE OF EUPHORIA.

YOU KNOW, KELLY, YOU'RE RIGHT, THANKS.

GOD, THIS GETTING INTO COLLEGE BUSINESS

CAN REALLY PLAY WITH YOUR MIND.

YEAH.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

I FEEL LIKE SUCH A HYPOCRITE.

I'M ACTUALLY DRIVING YOU TO COLLEGE

SO YOU CAN BECOME ANOTHER INDUSTRIAL BUREAUCRAT

POLLUTING OUR ENVIRONMENT.

OH, YEAH. YEAH.

I COULD REALLY TAKE A FEW LESSONS FROM YOU

IN THAT DEPARTMENT, HUH, OLIVER? [COUGHING]

WHAT, ARE YOU BEING SARCASTIC?

[ENGINE BACKFIRES]

Jessica: MOM, ISN'T THIS PLACE BEAUTIFUL?

I MEAN, EVERYBODY LOOKS SO SMART.

I KNOW. IT IS. IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

GOD, MOTHER, I LOVE THIS PLACE.

THIS IS THE ONLY SCHOOL I EVER WANT TO GO TO.

OH... IT'S VERY IMPRESSIVE.

OH, LOOK, IT'S MR. HAMMETT.

COME ON, LET'S GO TALK TO HIM.

OH, YEAH.

HI, MR. HAMMETT.

OH, HI, JULIE.

JESSICA.

JESSICA, RIGHT. JESSICA KAILO.

YOU REMEMBERED MY NAME.

I SEE YOU BROUGHT YOUR SISTER ALONG.

OH...

HI, KIP. HI.

WE WERE JUST GONNA GO ON TOUR THE CAMPUS.

WELL, GREAT. I HOPE YOU LIKE THE COLLEGE,

AND I'LL SEE YOU AT THE PARTY TONIGHT.

OK. GREAT.

BYE.

SUCH A NICE YOUNG MAN.

MOTHER, FAVOR--

PLEASE DON'T ASK ANY QUESTIONS.

I WANT EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL, OK?

OH, JESSICA! COME ON.

JESSICA IS REALLY STARTING TO LIKE ME.

IT'S STILL SUBTLE,

BUT SHE'S STARTING TO THINK OF ME AS A COLLEGE GUY,

YOU KNOW, AND THAT INTRIGUES HER.

THINGS ARE REALLY GONNA JELL ONCE SHE SEES ME

ON THAT CAMPUS. [PBBBT!]

YOU THINK I'M CRAZY.

NO, I THINK YOU'RE A LUNATIC,

BUT THAT'S WHY WE'RE FRIENDS.

NOW MAKE LOVE TO ME,

YOU HOT COLLEGE MONKEY, YOU!

David Lee Roth: * I NEVER KNOW

* WOMAN, YOU KNOW HOW I LOVE... *

IT IS REALLY GOING TO BE DIFFICULT

MAKING DECISIONS THIS YEAR.

YOUR "LOOKING BEYOND THE NUMBERS" CAMPAIGN

IS REALLY PULLING THEM IN.

YOU KNOW, I STILL SAY

THEY SHOULD TATTOO THEIR S.A.T. SCORES

ACROSS THEIR FOREHEAD.

AT LEAST THAT WAY,

I COULD MAKE MY DECISIONS EASIER.

MY DEAR GOD.

HI, I'M...

LEO WHITMAN.

WE MET AT THE CARLSBOROUGH ACADEMY ALUMNI TEA, DR...

DR. PHILLIP JELLINEK.

JELLINEK. THAT'S RIGHT. PHILLIP JELLINEK, JR.

YES, YOU ARE, AND WELCOME TO RAMSEY.

IT'S INCREDIBLE.

NOW, THE GIRLS' DORM IS THIS WAY, AND...

AND YOU STILL THINK IT WILL BE THE SAME

AROUND HERE WITH LEO THE DEAN OF ADMISSIONS?

I DON'T WANT TO BE DEAN OF ADMISSIONS.

ALL RIGHT, BUT WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE LIKE

WORKING FOR HIM?

[HORN HONKING]

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

OH, WOW, WOW, LOOK WHO'S HERE.

WE GOT RONNY "SURE HANDS" PAULSON HERE, GODDAMN IT.

HI, RONNY. HELLO, MISS SACHIE.

I'LL BET YOU'RE SURPRISED TO SEE US HERE.

I'LL ADMIT, A LITTLE.

DEAN, DEAN, THIS IS RONNY PAULSON.

AND THIS IS RONNY'S LAWYER, DAN BESTMAN.

WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BRING A LAWYER?

SHIT. SHIT.

* HEY

* UH-HUH

* WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU... *

SO, HOW HAVE YOU FOUND RAMSEY SO FAR?

I TOOK THE BUS, REMEMBER?

NO. REALLY, MISS SACHIE, I'M FINE.

I APPRECIATE YOUR TIME AND CONCERN,

BUT YOU SHOULD BE OUT ENJOYING YOURSELF.

IT'S NOT EXACTLY ME YOU SHOULD BE BABYSITTING.

OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I HAVE TO GO BABY-SIT THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.

EXCUSE ME.

I'M SURE I'LL BE JUST FINE.

HI. HI.

I WAS WRONG.

WHAT IS THIS ATROCITY?

WELCOME, RAMSEY HOPEFULS.

WE'RE THE JELLINEKS.

WELL, YES, YOU CERTAINLY ARE.

SO, YOU WERE...

JUST DROPPING OFF YOUNG JELLINEK?

WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

SEE, SIR, IT'S KIND OF A KIDS' GET-TOGETHER.

THEY CAN KIND OF UNWIND WITHOUT PARENTS AROUND,

GET A FEEL FOR THE SOCIAL LIFE HERE AT RAMSEY.

SOCIAL LIFE? YEAH.

SOCIAL DISEASE IS MORE LIKE IT.

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU LOOK AROUND,

HAVE SOME FOOD,

AND SPREAD YOUR WARMTH.

MAKING, UH, NEW FRIENDS HERE?

SEE THE WORLD, VERA. SMASH OUT OF THIS COFFIN THEY

CALL A COLLEGE EXPERIENCE BEFORE THEY SHUT THE LID.

HOW VERY UPLIFTING, OLIVER!

YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT ENTERTAINING SICK KIDS

IN HOSPITALS?

OLIVER TAKES HIS COLLEGE-FREE FUTURE

VERY SERIOUSLY.

HE'S LOOKING TO TRAVEL THE WORLD

WITH RENEGADE GAME SHOW HOSTESSES.

Vera: SOUNDS LIKE

YOUR RUN-OF-THE-MILL AMERICAN DREAM!

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR, MARLON?

IT JUST WALKED IN.

* WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU *

* YOU KEEP ME WARM AT NIGHT... *

HEY!

HEY! MARLON BROWNE, YOU MADE IT!

BARELY. WE TOOK OLIVER'S CAR.

RAMSEY'S WONDERFUL. I JUST HAVE THIS FEELING

THAT I'M GONNA ACE MY INTERVIEW TOMORROW.

IT'S THE ONLY SCHOOL I WANT TO GO TO.

FUNNY THING. I SUDDENLY THINK

RAMSEY MIGHT BE IN MY STARS, ALSO.

MARLON, IT'S THE REAL WORLD NOW.

Jessica: MARLON, YOU'RE DIFFERENT.

YOU MEAN, LIKE DIFFERENT DIFFERENT,

OR LIKE ELEPHANT-MAN DIFFERENT?

NO, I MEAN GOOD DIFFERENT.

YOU'RE NOT GEEKY. I MEAN, YOU'RE NOT

THE WAY I THOUGHT YOU WERE AT SCHOOL.

YEAH? WELL, YOU KNOW,

THIS IS A PREVIEW OF THE COLLEGE ME.

THERE'S 4 MORE YEARS OF THIS TO COME

IF YOU'RE INTERESTED.

Betty: JUST MAKE A DECISION, JESS.

I MEAN, THEY'RE NOT GOING TO ACCEPT YOU

OR NOT ACCEPT YOU BASED ON YOUR SHOES.

YOU NEED TO STAND OUT, MA.

EVERY DETAIL COUNTS. WHICH DO YOU THINK

I SHOULD WEAR, MY REEBOKS

OR MY LOAFERS?

YOUR REEBOKS.

OK, BUT THAT COULD MAKE ME LOOK TOO FRIVOLOUS

AND NOT INTELLECTUAL ENOUGH.

WHY DON'T YOU WEAR YOUR REEBOKS

AND SHOW THEM YOUR LOAFERS?

MOM...

OH, HONEY, WEAR YOUR REEBOKS.

GO FOR IT. WHAT THE HELL.

GOOD LUCK. WE'RE VERY PROUD OF YOU.

I'M SORRY, I HAVE NO IDEA.

I'LL FIND OUT WHY THIS HAPPENED.

I PROMISE YOU, SIR,

HEADS WILL ROLL. TRUST ME.

I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE WOULD BE

SO INSENSITIVE AS TO MAKE THIS KIND OF MISTAKE.

SALLY, THERE'S BEEN A GRIEVOUS MISTAKE.

THIS IS MR. JELLINEK--

DR. JELLINEK.

I'M PHILLIP JELLINEK JR.

SALLY, FOR SOME UNGODLY REASON,

PHILLIP HERE HAS BEEN SCHEDULED

TO INTERVIEW WITH FLUTTER.

YEAH? SO WHAT?

IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER

WHO CONDUCTS THE INTERVIEWS.

IF IT DOESN'T MATTER,

WE'LL SEE DEAN PATTERSON.

NO. HIS SCHEDULE IS ALREADY OVERLOADED.

OVERLOADED?

OH, SALLY!

CAN I HAVE A WORD WITH YOU?

WELL, IF THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN HELP YOU WITH--

QUESTIONS ABOUT THE COURSES,

ACCOM...MODATIONS...

SALLY, THEY MET WITH THE DEAN

AT PRINCETON AND YALE,

NOT SOME 4-H CLUB REJECT LIKE FLUTTER.

FLUTTER IS THE GUY WHO ONLY SEES THE PEOPLE

WHO ARE LIKE... BLEEDING-HEART FRESCO SAVERS.

YOU KNOW, SOCIALLY CORRECT CHEERLEADERS

ELECTED CLASS PRESIDENT IN SPITE OF THE FACT

THEY CAN'T EVEN DECIDE WHICH PAIR OF SHOES

TO WEAR WHEN THEY LEAVE THE HOUSE

WITHOUT TALKING TO MOMMY!

THE JELLINEKS

ARE A RAMSEY LEGACY, FOR GOD'S SAKES,

AND YOU'VE GOT HIM SCHEDULED WITH FLUTTER!

LEO, CALM DOWN.

I WILL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

GOOD.

ALL SET, SIR.

GOOD. WE'LL SEE THE DEAN.

I DIDN'T TRAVEL 400 MILES TO SEE UNDERLINGS.

LET THE REST OF THESE PEOPLE

BE SEEN BY UNDERLINGS, LIKE THAT GIRL IN THOSE REEBOKS.

HER? GIRLS LIKE HER ARE A DIME A DOZEN.

SHE'S STATE-COLLEGE MATERIAL AT BEST.

LET'S GO INSIDE.

"A DIME A DOZEN"?

HI.

HI.

SEE HER?

I BET SHE HAS A 3.5 GRADE AVERAGE.

YEAH? HOW DO YOU KNOW?

ALMOST EVERYBODY HERE DOES,

WITH ABOUT A COMBINED 1350 ON THEIR S.A.T.s.

OH, ME, TOO.

SO, ARE MANY PEOPLE HERE ON THE YEARBOOK STAFF?

OH, BILLIONS! I'M EDITOR OF MINE.

OH. I'M JUST ACTIVITY REPORTER OF MINE

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT IT TO INTERFERE

WITH MY CHEERLEADING SCHEDULE.

MY CHEERLEADING PRACTICE COMES BEFORE SCHOOL.

OH, WELL, YOU SEE, THAT WOULDN'T WORK FOR ME

BECAUSE I HAVE CLASS MEETINGS FIRST THING

IN THE MORNING, AND I'M CLASS PRESIDENT.

ALTHOUGH YOU'RE PROBABLY CLASS PRESIDENT ALSO.

NO. VICE PRESIDENT.

OH, WELL, THAT'S AN IMPORTANT JOB.

I MEAN, IN CASE THE PRESIDENT DIES.

MY SISTER IS PRESIDENT.

LORI...

TERRI.

WE BETTER GO PRACTICE.

WE HAVE A SPECIAL AUDITION...

WITH THE MUSIC DEPARTMENT.

GREAT. WHAT INSTRUMENT DO YOU PLAY?

THE OBOE. THE VIOLIN.

WELL, SHE PLAYS THE VIOLIN.

SHE PLAYS THE OBOE.

ANYWAY, WE BETTER GET GOING.

GOOD LUCK. GOOD LUCK.

BYE.

EXCUSE ME.

Sally: JESSICA KAILO.

[BUZZ]

Sally: JESSICA KAILO'S COMING IN, MR. FLUTTER.

OH, SEND HER IN, SALLY.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

UH, COME IN. COME IN. OOH!

OH, EXCUSE ME.

I'M JESSICA KAILO, MR. FLUTTER.

OH, JESSICA, HOW ARE YOU?

I'M FINE. THANKS. AND YOU?

WELL, I'VE HURT MY HAND, BUT I'M FINE.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SIT DOWN, JULIE?

JESSICA.

JESSICA. YEAH. FINE.

[TOY SQUEAKS]

WOULD YOU LIKE A CUP OF COFFEE?

YES. THANK YOU.

OH! I'M SORRY.

UM, GOT TO GO. SEE YOU.

MARLON BROWNE. 10:00 INTERVIEW.

TERRIFIC. HAVE A SEAT.

I WAS AN EXCHANGE STUDENT LAST SUMMER,

SO I LEARNED QUITE A BIT OF ITALIAN.

UH, Y--YES.

AND WHERE WERE YOU?

WHERE WAS I?

YES. WHERE DID YOU STUDY ITALIAN?

IN ITALY.

OH. YES.

UH, IN ITALY, I MET A LOT OF INTERESTING PEOPLE

WHILE I WAS STUDYING THERE.

SOME WERE INVOLVED IN SAVING THE ITALIAN FRESCOES.

THOSE ARE PAINTINGS.

OH. YES, OF COURSE.

[THINKING] HE'S BORED. I'M LOSING HIM.

GO ON, GO ON.

I THINK ONE OF THE...

HE'S TOTALLY NOT INTERESTED.

HE'S IGNORING ME. HE'S CLEANING HIS CLOSETS

WHILE I'M DYING A THOUSAND DEATHS.

I'M COMPLETELY BLOWING THIS.

...ALL THE OLD HAND-CARVED ANIMALS.

UH, HORSES, TIGERS, OSTRICHES, PIGS--

PIGS?

WHY DID YOU SAY THAT?

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

OH.

WELL, YOU KNOW,

PIGS ARE VERY INTERESTING ANIMALS.

ONE VERY FAMOUS LITERARY FIGURE

KEPT PIGS AS PETS.

DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT WAS?

STRESS QUESTION! STRESS QUESTION!

NO.

HE WAS GERTRUDE STEIN.

OH.

[TOY SQUEAKING]

UH...AHEM. I WAS ALSO INVOLVED

IN A LOT OF OTHER ACTIVITIES AT SCHOOL--

YEARBOOK STAFF,

WORLD AFFAIRS COUNCIL,

UM, HONOR SOCIETY.

WHAT'S THIS?

OH, UH, THAT'S MY WATCH.

WELL, I SEE OUR TIME IS JUST ABOUT UP, JULIE.

JESSICA.

JESSICA.

OK. GREAT. SO THAT'S IT. MY INTERVIEW'S OVER WITH.

UNLESS THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE

YOU'D LIKE TO REVEAL ABOUT YOURSELF.

UNLESS I HAVE ANYTHING ELSE

I'D LIKE TO REVEAL ABOUT MYSELF?

YES. UNLESS YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE

YOU'D LIKE TO REVEAL ABOUT YOURSELF.

REVEAL ABOUT MYSELF! REVEAL ABOUT MYSELF!

REVEAL MYSELF. REVEAL MYSELF.

AAH!

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I'D LIKE TO REVEAL ABOUT MYSELF?

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I'D LIKE TO REVEAL

ABOUT MYSELF?

AAH!

SHIT!

WHOA!

I'LL NEVER GET ACCEPTED HERE.

[CRYING]

JESSICA?

MARLON, YOUR APPOINTMENT!

THERE'S NO RESCHEDULING, PUP!

PUP, PUP, PUP. PUPPY.

JESSICA, HOW YOU DOING?

UH, LOOK, MARLON, IF YOU DON'T MIND,

I REALLY DON'T FEEL LIKE TALKING RIGHT NOW.

OH, SURE. NO PROBLEM.

YOU KNOW, WE CAN ALWAYS TALK LATER IN SCHOOL

OR SOMETHING...

OR MAYBE NEXT YEAR HERE AT RAMSEY.

EXCEPT I WON'T BE HERE NEXT YEAR.

I'M NOT RIGHT FOR THIS SCHOOL.

COME ON!

YOU--YOU'RE PERFECT... FOR RAMSEY.

EVERYONE HERE IS PERFECT.

HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED?

I BLEW IT. I HAD A TERRIBLE INTERVIEW.

JESUS, INTERVIEWS DON'T MATTER.

I JUST BLEW MINE COMPLETELY COMING OUT HERE.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

YOU SAID THE INTERVIEW WAS THE KEY FOR YOU.

WELL, SURE, THEY MATTER A LITTLE, YOU KNOW,

BUT IT'S NOT LIKE HIGH SCHOOL

IS WHAT I MEAN,

WHERE IF YOU MAKE A MISTAKE,

YOU GET BRANDED AS A MORON FOR LIFE.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL AT A PLACE LIKE RAMSEY.

YEAH, HOW DO YOU KNOW?!

TRYING THINGS OUT IS WHAT HAPPENS AT COLLEGE.

YOU GET A GREAT CHANCE TO START ALL OVER AGAIN

JUST WHEN MOST PEOPLE NEED TO.

IT'S LIKE A FEDERAL PROTECTION

AND RELOCATION PROGRAM FOR TEENAGERS.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW BAD IT WAS.

NOTHING COULD BE THAT BAD.

IT WAS AWFUL. TRUST ME.

BUT AWFUL ENOUGH TO RUIN YOUR CHANCES?

YOU WOULD HAVE TO DO SOMETHING

REALLY IDIOTIC

LIKE EXPOSE YOURSELF OR SOMETHING.

MARLON, LEAVE ME ALONE, ALL RIGHT?

SOMETHING HAPPENED WITH HER INTERVIEW,

AND NOW SHE HAS LOCKED HERSELF IN HER HOTEL ROOM

AND SHE WON'T TALK TO ANYONE.

I THINK SOMETHING REALLY TERRIBLE HAS HAPPENED.

LOOK, I'M SORRY, BUT THERE IS NO WAY

I COULD SHOW YOU HER FILES.

THEY'RE STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL.

I KNOW. BUT NOW SHE'S CONSIDERING

NOT EVEN APPLYING TO RAMSEY.

YOU KNOW, THIS CHOOSING A COLLEGE

BECAUSE OF A GIRL,

MAYBE WE SHOULD DISCUSS THAT IDEA.

WE DID ONCE BEFORE.

YEAH? WHAT'D I SAY?

YOU SAID YOU'D HEARD A LOT OF WORSE REASONS.

ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH JESSICA?

THEN SCREW IT.

LOVE IS A FUCKING NOBLE EMOTION,

BUT RAMSEY IS NOT GONNA ADMIT YOU

BASED ON YOUR FEELINGS FOR A GIRL.

YOU'VE GOTTA FORGET HER.

FORGET HER?

LET ME WORRY ABOUT JESSICA KAILO.

YOU CONCENTRATE ON YOUR OWN APPLICATION, OK?

OK.

THIS IS TERRIFIC, MR. HAMMETT.

JUST GREAT. THANKS SO MUCH.

SURE.

I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS.

GOD, THIS IS JUST GREAT.

MY VOTE CAN'T BE BOUGHT THERE, MARLON.

THANKS.

THANKS AGAIN.

SURE. OOH, OUCH.

YEAH.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

COME IN.

I HEARD YOU WANTED TO TALK TO ME, MR. HAMMETT.

YEAH, HI, JESSICA. COME ON IN.

I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU BEFORE YOU LEFT.

HI, SIT DOWN. HOW ARE YOU?

HI.

LOOK, I HEARD YOU WERE KINDA UPSET

AFTER YOUR INTERVIEW WITH MR. FLUTTER YESTERDAY.

MR. HAMMETT, I'D RATHER NOT

TALK ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW.

LOOK, I KNOW YOU FEEL VULNERABLE.

I MEAN, YOU JUST OPEN YOURSELF UP

TO A PERFECT STRANGER,

PROBABLY FOR THE FIRST TIME.

BUT IT'S JUST AN INTERVIEW,

AND YOU WERE NOT BEING JUDGED

ON WHAT YOU HAVE OR WHAT YOU DON'T HAVE.

I KNOW. YOU THINK THE LITTLEST THINGS

ARE A BIG DEAL,

BUT, BELIEVE ME, REALLY THEY'RE NOT.

OK? WE'VE SEEN IT ALL BEFORE.

AND MR. FLUTTER, HE FELT THAT YOU WERE

AN EXTREMELY WELL-ROUNDED YOUNG LADY.

OH, GOD!

OOH! OOH! OOH!

UH-HUH.

POMONA, CAN YOU HOLD? I HAVE DUKE ON THE OTHER LINE.

DUKE, CAN YOU HOLD, PLEASE?

I HAVE GEORGETOWN ON THE OTHER LINE.

I KNOW YOU'RE DISAPPOINTED,

CHANCELLOR SMITH.

HIS APPLICATION WAS FABULOUS.

BUT WE'RE COUNSELORS, NOT HIS PARENTS.

WHAT CAN WE DO IF HE DIDN'T CHOOSE YOUR SCHOOL?

OXFORD, PLEASE HOLD. I HAVE

SEVEN SISTERS COLLEGE ON THE LINE.

GIRLS, I'LL HAVE TO CALL YOU BACK SHORTLY.

I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT CLIENT IN MY OFFICE.

BYE-BYE. OK, BYE-BYE.

SO, MARLON, WELCOME BACK.

HOW'D YOU DO ON YOUR S.A.T.s?

WELL, MY SCORE DID NOT GO UP THE 20% YOU PROMISED.

LET'S SEE.

YOU GAINED 10 IN MATH AND 10 IN VERBAL.

THAT'S 20. WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

NO, ALL KIDDING ASIDE, MARLON,

YOU DO NEED OUR HELP.

DO YOU HAVE A CHECK?

YES, BUT I NEED SOME REAL HELP.

I HAVE A CHANCE OF GETTING INTO RAMSEY.

MARLON, ACADEMICS DON'T NECESSARILY

HAVE TO BE YOUR STRONG POINT.

WHAT YOU NEED IS A HOOK, SOMETHING

FOR THE COMMITTEE TO REMEMBER YOU BY, STAND OUT.

IT'S BEST TO STICK TO THE BASICS,

INNER CITY TUTORING.

HELPING OLD PEOPLE.

ENVIRONMENTAL CLEANUP TASK FORCE.

NUCLEAR RESEARCH.

I'M NOT CURRENTLY INVOLVED

IN ANYTHING QUITE AS INTERESTING AS THAT.

FOR 1,000 BUCKS, WE CAN MAKE

ANYONE'S LIFE SOUND INTERESTING.

FOR INSTANCE, WHAT DO YOU DO ON A TYPICAL SATURDAY?

NOTHING, REALLY. I BABY-SIT MY STEPBROTHER.

AH! YOU SAY NOTHING,

BUT BABY-SITTING YOUR STEPBROTHER

IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF MUNDANE ACTIVITY

THAT YOU CAN ENHANCE INTO A BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY,

SOMETHING THAT CAN REALLY MAKE YOU STAND OUT

IN THE APPLICANT POOL.

YAY! YAY!

[CRASH!]

[CRYING]

OK, MARLON, YOU'VE GOT WORK EXPERIENCE

TAKEN CARE OF.

NOW YOU WANNA JUXTAPOSE AN UNUSUAL ACTIVITY.

SOMETHING THAT WOULD WAKE UP

A TIRED ADMISSIONS OFFICER AT 3 A.M.,

LIKE THE KID WHO RAFTED DOWN THE AMAZON.

LAST YEAR, A GIRL TOOK UP PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING,

AND SHE GOT INTO YALE!

NO, HARVARD.

Both: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GOOD-BYE! GOOD-BYE!

UGH!

ARGH! UH!

OH!

HI, GUYS.

I'M HERE FOR THE WRESTLING LESSONS.

HA HA HA!

SO, YOU WANT TO TAKE WRESTLING

AS AN EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITY, HUH?

NO. ACTUALLY, I'VE BEEN THINKING IT OVER AND--

WHOA! OOH! OOH! UH-OH!

AAH!

UGH!

* ALL OF THE TIME WE'RE SEARCHING FOR *

* SOMETHING TO BE THAT'S SO MUCH MORE *

* THAN WHAT THEY TELL US WE CAN BE *

* WE ALL KNOW MUCH BETTER

* THAT THERE'S TIME ENOUGH FOR DREAMING *

* IF WE ALL GO ON BELIEVING

* WE COULD TRY JUST A LITTLE, LOVE JUST A LITTLE *

* OPEN OUR HEARTS, OPEN OUR MINDS *

* IF WE CAN REMEMBER WE ARE YOUNG *

* AND ALL THE THINGS WE CAN BECOME *

* WE CAN SHARE THIS MOMENT... *

GIRL, AREN'T YOU EVER GOING TO GO HOME?

I WILL. I JUST GOT TO FINISH UP THIS APPLICATION.

WELL, DON'T FORGET TO LOCK UP.

BYE, VERA.

GOOD NIGHT, HENRY.

* HAVE JUST BEGUN

* THEN WE CAN STAY FOREVER YOUNG *

* REACHIN' FOR SOMETHING

* HIGHER AND HIGHER

* FINDIN' AND HAVIN'

* SOMETHING INSIDE YOU

* YOU GOT TO BELIEVE

* IF WE CAN REMEMBER WE ARE YOUNG *

I'VE GOT TO GO.

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING FOR ME?

I THINK THIS IS ONE OF YOURS.

OH, GREAT. MARLON BROWNE.

HA HA HA!

THANKS A LOT, LEO.

ALL RIGHT, NINA. ANYTIME. ANYWHERE.

OOH! UH...

HA HA! OH, NO!

SO, DID LEO GIVE GOOD MEETING IN THERE?

WE HAD LUNCH

AND A VERY SERIOUS DISCUSSION

ABOUT VERA COOKE, IF YOU MUST KNOW.

IN FACT, WE'VE PENCILED IN ANOTHER MEETING

TO DISCUSS THE MATTER FURTHER.

BET THAT'S NOT ALL HE'D LIKE TO PENCIL IN.

I'VE GOT WORK TO DO, KIP.

BUT KEEP IN MIND,

YOU HAVE AS MANY OPPORTUNITIES AS LEO

TO BECOME DEAN.

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS YOU REFUSE TO GROW UP.

WELL, WE GOT MARLON BROWNE.

YES.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO JESSICA KAILO?

I DIDN'T APPLY.

YOU DIDN'T APPLY TO RAMSEY?

THE DEADLINE IS TONIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU, A RECRUITER?

DIDN'T A CERTAIN MR. HAMMETT TALK TO YOU

ABOUT BEING PERFECT RAMSEY MATERIAL?

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT, MARLON.

MR. HAMMETT HAS A WARPED SENSE OF HUMOR.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

HE'S A GREAT GUY. IT'S A GREAT SCHOOL,

AND YOU HAVE TIME TO GET YOUR APPLICATION IN.

YOU HAVE UNTIL 6 P.M.

MARLON...

RAMSEY'S NOT THE RIGHT SCHOOL

FOR ME, OK?

SO WHERE ARE YOU GOING, THEN?

MICHIGAN.

YOUR DAD'S SCHOOL?

YOU LIKE MICHIGAN BETTER THAN RAMSEY?

LOOK, YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND

THE DECISIONS I'VE HAD TO MAKE.

MAYBE I COULDN'T, BUT I'VE MADE SOME DECISIONS, TOO,

I'VE MADE SOME VERY PASSIONATE DECISIONS.

LIKE WHAT?

HOW ABOUT... SUICIDING, FOR INSTANCE.

I DIDN'T APPLY ANYWHERE BUT RAMSEY,

AND I DON'T STAND A CHANCE THERE.

WELL, THAT'S GREAT, MARLON, JUST CRAZY.

YOU'RE THE SUICIDE,

AND I'M THE ONE THAT CRACKED.

WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE US,

SOME SORT OF WEIRD FRIENDS OR SOMETHING?

I'M SORRY, MARLON.

YOU KNOW WHAT I FOUND OUT

WHEN I WENT TO RAMSEY?

I DISCOVERED THAT I'M BORING AND PREDICTABLE,

THAT I'M TOTALLY AVERAGE, SO I FREAKED.

I FREAKED, MARLON.

THEN YOU'RE NOT AVERAGE.

PEOPLE WHO ARE AVERAGE, JESSICA,

THEY DON'T MIND BEING AVERAGE. THEY DON'T FREAK.

COME ON, JESSICA. DON'T CRY.

PLEASE DON'T CRY.

SEE, THIS IS WHY I DON'T COME OVER AND TALK TO YOU A LOT,

BECAUSE I HAVE THIS LOUSY EFFECT ON YOU.

IT'S NOT YOU.

IT'S NOT?

NO.

OK, LOOK. I THINK I THINK I HAVE AN IDEA.

A CAR TRAVELING WITH 2 FUTURE RAMSEY STUDENTS

MUST TRAVEL FROM HOMETOWN A

TO COLLEGE TOWN B BY 6 P.M.

IF THE DISTANCE TO TRAVEL IS 450 MILES

AND THEY OBSERVE

THE 55 MILE PER HOUR SPEED LIMIT,

HOW MUCH TIME CAN THEY ALLOW

TO STOP FOR GAS AND SNACKS?

NONE. BECAUSE 6 TIMES 55 IS 330.

WE WON'T GET TO RAMSEY EVEN IF WE DON'T STOP.

THEN HOW FAST SHOULD WE GO?

WELL, LET'S MAKE IT EASY. 6 TIMES 60 IS 360.

30 MINUTES TO SPARE SHOULD BE ENOUGH TIME.

SO, WE, UH...

WE GO 60, MARLON.

GO 60. GOT IT.

* 'CAUSE ANY TIME WITH YOU *

* IS GOOD ENOUGH TIME

* TO LOVE LIKE WE DO

* LOVE LIKE WE DO...

SO HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO WRITE YOUR ESSAY?

I DIDN'T WRITE ONE. I SENT IN A VIDEO INSTEAD.

SOUNDS SO CREATIVE.

I HAD TO DO SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?

I SPENT ALL THIS TIME AND MONEY GOING

TO THESE CONSULTANTS.

THE ONLY HELPFUL THING I REALLY GOT FROM THEM

WAS THAT YOU HAVE TO GET THE ATTENTION

OF THE ADMISSIONS OFFICER. YOU KNOW, THEY WANT TO KNOW

WHO YOU ARE... SO I MADE THIS VIDEO.

THAT'S GREAT, MARLON.

* LOVE LIKE WE DO

* LOVE LIKE WE DO

* LOVE LIKE WE DO

* LOVE LIKE WE DO...

[HORN HONKS] OK--

A TURTLE! GOPHER.

GOPHER OR TURTLE?

THAT'S WHAT IT WAS-- A RARE GOPHER TURTLE.

OH, OK. ALL RIGHT.

HERE'S MY OPENING, ALL RIGHT?

YEAH.

"I WANT TO GO TO RAMSEY AND BE RUDE,

"NOT BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE AND NOT ALL THE TIME,

"BUT IF I'M WALKING ACROSS CAMPUS ONE DAY

"CONTEMPLATING ARISTOTLE,

"I WON'T WORRY IF PEOPLE THINK I'M A SNOB

"IF I DON'T SMILE AND SAY HI TO THEM.

I DID ENOUGH OF THAT IN HIGH SCHOOL."

I THINK IT'S GREAT.

YEAH? IT'S EXCELLENT.

DO YOU WANT TO HEAR THE TITLE?

SECRET CONFESSIONS OF A HIGH SCHOOL PROM QUEEN.

AH!

YEAH? YOU LIKE IT? IT WORKS?

IT'S DEFINITELY GONNA BRIGHTEN THE LIVES

OF ANY ADMISSIONS OFFICER AND HIS CHILDREN.

ALL RIGHT, ON TO PARAGRAPH 2.

* LOVE LIKE WE DO

* LOVE LIKE WE DO

LOOK. YOU THINK YOU CAN MAKE IT?

YEAH, I'M ALMOST READY TO PRINT OUT.

WHAT IS WITH THESE TRUCKS? I THOUGHT THESE GUYS

WERE ALL SUPPOSED TO BE ON AMPHETAMINES.

JUST WHAT WE NEED.

OH, IT'S A COP.

SHIT! HE'S DOING THE SPEED LIMIT.

MARLON, IF WE CAN'T GO 55, IT'LL BLOW THE WHOLE EQUATION.

[HORN HONKS]

GREAT.

WONDERFUL.

ALL RIGHT, ACCORDING TO THE MAP,

A ROAD INTERSECTS THIS ONE IN 22 MILES.

IF THE COP TAKES THAT ROAD,

LEAVING US WITH 32 MILES LEFT TO TRAVEL,

HOW FAST WOULD WE HAVE TO GO?

WAIT--DO WE WANT IT ON A TIME OR DISTANCE PROBLEM?

DON'T PANIC. UH...

LET'S JUST BE LOGICAL ABOUT THIS.

LET'S GO SLOWER.

SLOWER?

MARLON, THIS IS LOGICAL ON WHAT PLANET?

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

GO FOR IT!

WHOO!

MORON.

[SIREN]

I ALWAYS KNEW THAT S.A.T. STUFF

WOULDN'T HELP MUCH IN REAL LIFE.

[BEEP BEEP]

YOU ASSHOLE.

WHY IS IT LOCKED? IS IT 6:00 ALREADY?

NO. IT'S 5 TO 6:00. IT'S NOT FAIR.

HEY, JESSICA, ARE YOU THE KIND OF GIRL

WHOSE DAD GAVE HER A CREDIT CARD?

YEAH, BUT IT'S EXPIRED.

DOESN'T MATTER,

BECAUSE MEMBERSHIP HAS ITS ADVANTAGES.

SOMEBODY'S COMING.

[JIGGLES KNOB]

I THINK HE'S GONE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE BREAKING AND ENTERING

THE COLLEGE WE WANT TO GET INTO.

FOR GOOD LUCK.

WELL, WE MADE IT.

ALL WE CAN DO NOW IS WAIT.

YEAH.

MARLON?

YES, JESSICA?

I DON'T KNOW.

I JUST WANTED TO SAY THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.

I REALLY HOPE WE BOTH GET INTO RAMSEY.

I MEAN, I COULDN'T THINK OF A NICER GUY

TO SPEND THE NEXT 4 YEARS OF MY LIFE WITH.

WELL, LET'S NOT RULE OUT GRADUATE SCHOOL.

GOOD NIGHT, MARLON.

GOOD NIGHT.

[HORN HONKING]

THAT'S RIGHT, BOYS AND GIRLS,

GET YOUR COLLEGE PARAPHERNALIA WHILE IT'S HOT.

MOM, JUST DESCRIBE THE ENVELOPE TO ME.

IS IT FAT OR WHAT?

JUST TELL ME, MOM.

IS IT FAT OR SKINNY?

MOM, JUST TELL ME,

IS THE ENVELOPE BIG OR SMALL? MOM!

I GOT ACCEPTED INTO MICHIGAN.

SO BIG DEAL, RIGHT?

I WOULDN'T CARE AT ALL, EXCEPT FOR KELLY--

SHE WAS REJECTED BY 6 SCHOOLS ALREADY.

DAMN SCHOOL!

THAT'S WHY I RECOMMEND SUICIDING.

YOU CAN ONLY GET REJECTED ONCE.

MARLON, THIS WAITING HERE FOR RAMSEY'S

KILLING ME! I WISH I HAD AMY'S COOL.

MOM, WILL YOU JUST TALK TO ME?

IS IT FAT OR WHAT?

AAAHH! GOD!

HERE'S AN INTERESTING CASE-- VERA COOKE.

SHE IS, AS FAR AS I KNOW,

THE MOST UNDERPRIVILEGED YOUNGSTER

THAT WE HAVE THIS YEAR.

SHE'S GOT--THANKS, DAVE. SHE'S GOT DECENT GRADES.

HER FATHER IS OUT OF THE PICTURE.

HER FATHER'S DEAD.

SHE WROTE ABOUT HIM IN HER ESSAY.

OH, YES. OH, AND IT SAYS HERE,

"HER ENERGY AND STRUGGLE TO OBTAIN HER DREAMS

"HAS PRODUCED AN INDIVIDUAL BOTH TOUGH AND SWEET.

SHE'S A WOMAN AND A GIRL TO RECKON WITH AND TO LOVE."

SHEESH!

WHO WRITES THIS CRAP-- LIONEL RICHIE?

I WROTE IT.

YOU KNOW, I MET HIM ONCE.

HE'S A LOVELY MAN IF YOU MEET HIM IN PERSON.

THIS IS VERA COOKE. WE DISCUSSED HER?

OH, YEAH.

I RECRUITED VERA,

AND I STRONGLY RECOMMEND HER

TO THIS COMMITTEE.

HOW ARE HER COLLEGE BOARDS?

WELL, 410 VERBAL, 470 MATH. THE POINT IS,

THAT'S NOT THE KIND OF QUESTION

WE NEED TO BE ASKING ABOUT A PERSON LIKE VERA.

WHAT IS THE RIGHT QUESTION?

WHETHER WE AS A GROUP

ARE WILLING TO TAKE A CHANCE.

THIS IS A CASE IN WHICH

RAMSEY CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE,

ONE THAT COULD ACTUALLY CHANGE SOMEONE'S LIFE.

WE AGREE WITH NINA, RIGHT?

DURING THE BREAK, I TALKED TO LEO,

AND HE BROUGHT UP AN INTERESTING POINT.

WHOSE INTERESTS ARE WE SERVING HERE?

RAMSEY IS A VERY COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT.

WE NEED MINORITY STUDENTS,

BUT AT THE EXPENSE OF THIS GIRL?

I DON'T SEE THAT WE'RE REALLY THAT DESPERATE

TO FILL OUR QUOTA.

FORGET THE QUOTA. FORGET SHE'S BLACK.

GOOD. BECAUSE MY VOTE CAN'T BE WON

ON THE BASIS OF COLOR ANYWAY,

SO WHAT DOES THAT LEAVE US WITH,

AS FAR AS VERA COOKE IS CONCERNED,

ASIDE FROM THE DISMAL NUMBERS?

EVERYTHING THAT'S NOT A NUMBER.

WHAT'S THE COMMITMENT TO DESERVING STUDENTS

IN THIS ROOM?

OH, PLEASE! I MEAN,

WE'VE GOT TOPNOTCH MINORITY APPLICANTS

FROM ANDOVER, PHILLIPS EXETER--

THAT'S COMPLETELY OUTRAGEOUS, LEO!

YOU KNOW EXACTLY HOW I FEEL

ABOUT GIVING THIS GIRL A CHANCE.

I THINK WE ALL WANT A REASONABLE SOLUTION. LEO?

WELL, I HAVE NO OBJECTIONS TO THE WAIT LIST.

SALLY, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?

THE WAIT LIST?

THAT'S LIKE FALLING INTO BUREAUCRATIC LIMBO.

NOBODY EVER GETS IN HERE ON THE WAIT LIST.

CAN WE MOVE ON, PLEASE?

OH, MY GOD.

IT'S FROM RAMSEY.

OH, IT IS.

SOMEBODY'S GOTTA OPEN IT.

I'LL DO IT.

[CRYING]

I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.

YOU DID IT. YOU GOT INTO RAMSEY.

BUT WHAT ABOUT MARLON BROWNE?

60, 70, 80...

YOU LOOK LIKE A GUY

WHO'S OBVIOUSLY GOING TO MAKE IT.

I BETTER. I PAID $1,000 TO BAUER-BENEDEK.

HE SAID THIS STUFF LOOKS GREAT ON MY APPLICATION.

DID YOU HEAR ANYTHING YET?

HEY, CHEER UP. HAVE A BUMPER STICKER ON ME.

HA HA!

[HONK HONK]

COME ON, RAMSEY. WHAT'S GOING ON?

NOW, I KNOW THIS KID SEEMS HOPELESS ON PAPER,

BUT YOU GOT TO SEE THIS TAPE.

I MET HIM, AND I THINK HE'S REALLY GOT SOMETHING.

OH, YEAH? BETTER BE A UNION CARD.

I DON'T KNOW, BOB.

DO WE REALLY HAVE TIME FOR THIS KIND OF TOMFOOLERY?

WELL, WE ARE RUNNING LATE.

TOMORROW'S THE LAST DAY OF ADMISSIONS,

AND THERE'S JUST SO MANY OPENINGS.

I JUST DON'T THINK

THIS BOY'S FOLDER WARRANTS THE TIME.

WE USED TO HAVE TIME FOR ALL TYPES OF KIDS.

I'D LIKE TO SEE THE TAPE.

YOU COULD GIVE FLUTTER THE TAPE,

'CAUSE I'M NOT GONNA LOOK AT IT.

BESIDES, WE GAVE YOU THE KAILO GIRL THE OTHER DAY.

REMEMBER?

NO, LEO, YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME ANYTHING, OK?

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO FIND INTERESTING STUDENTS.

NOW, I THINK MARLON BROWNE IS ONE OF THEM.

TAKE ANOTHER LOOK AT MR. VIDEO'S NUMBERS.

I DON'T KNOW, BOB.

I'VE GOTTA GIVE THIS KID

2 THUMBS DOWN ON THE RAMSEY SCALE.

DEAN, I THINK IT'S A TRAGEDY IF WE'RE SAYING

THAT THE ERA OF THE STILL-SEARCHING,

DOESN'T-KNOW-EXACTLY-WHAT- TO-DO-WITH-HIS-LIFE KID

IS OVER HERE AT RAMSEY.

IT'S CANCELED, ALL RIGHT, DUE TO POOR RATINGS.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND, HAMMETT?

YEAH, I GET IT, LEO.

YOU GOT A NEW PROGRAM-- LEO, DEAN OF ADMISSIONS.

YOU KNOW, I THINK I'D WATCH THAT SHOW.

I'M NOT GOING TO WATCH IT, BECAUSE WITH

LEO, DEAN OF ADMISSIONS, CALLING THE SHOTS AROUND HERE,

MY JOB DESCRIPTION SUCKS. I DON'T WANNA STAY HERE

AND WATCH YOU RUIN A PLACE I LOVE.

SO, NINA, LOOKS LIKE

YOUR LUNCH SCHEDULE'S OPENING WIDE UP.

SCREW YOU, LEO. EXCUSE ME.

WILL YOU SHOW ME MARLON'S TAPE?

YEAH. SURE.

COME ON IN.

HI. I'M MARLON BROWNE, AND YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE

ALL THE STUFF I DID TRYING TO GET INTO COLLEGE.

LOOKING BACK, THE JUGGLING SEEMS REALLY PATHETIC.

I KNOW IT WAS A CREATIVE ACTIVITY

TO PUT ON MY APPLICATION,

BUT I CAN'T BELIEVE TOSSING FLAMING STICKS IN THE AIR

IS GONNA QUALIFY ME AS AN INTERESTING GUY

TO HAVE ON CAMPUS.

I FELT I HAD TO DO SOMETHING UNUSUAL...

BUT INTRAMURAL PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING

WAS NEVER A WORKABLE IDEA.

AAH!

AAH!

HA HA HA! HA HA!

I WAS DESPERATE.

EVERYWHERE I WENT, PEOPLE TOLD ME

HOW COMPETITIVE IT IS TO GET INTO COLLEGE THESE DAYS.

HERE'S SOME ADVICE, MARLON.

HOPE FOR A MIRACLE.

THAT'LL BE $100.

I CAME FACE-TO-FACE WITH THE TRUTH

AFTER MY BUSINESS FAILED.

I GOT IT, YOU GUYS. COME ON. LET'S GO!

GROW UP, MARLON.

GROW UP-- THAT REALLY GOT TO ME.

IT'S SOMETHING PEOPLE TELL ME A LOT.

AND WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO ANSWER?

I'M GROWING AS FAST AS I CAN?

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE POINT OF MY STORY--

TIME TO MATURE IS WHAT I NEED.

RIGHT, WILLIE?

RIGHT.

MARLON'S A GREAT KID, REALLY.

HE JUST NEEDS TIME TO DEVELOP,

LIKE A FINE WINE.

IF YOU GIVE ME A CHANCE,

I'LL BE THE MOST ENTHUSIASTIC, OPEN-MINDED STUDENT

YOU'VE EVER SEEN AT RAMSEY.

WE COULD REALLY USE THE ROOM.

COME ON, MARLON.

TIME FOR YOUR NEXT LESSON.

WELL, GOT TO GO.

PLEASE, CONSIDER ME FOR RAMSEY.

I WON'T LET YOU DOWN.

LEO'S A PIG.

LEO IS 6 PIGS.

OH, GOD, I THINK I JUST GOT AN IDEA.

[DOG GROWLING]

YOU--YOU'RE THE MAILMAN.

YEAH.

WHO'S IT FOR?

ARE YOU MARLON BROWNE?

YES.

IT'S FOR YOU.

WHERE'S IT FROM?

PENNSYLVANIA.

PENNSYLVANIA. RAMSEY, PENNSYLVANIA.

WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR AND OPEN IT?

I CAN'T LOOK. I'M TOO NERVOUS.

I'D LOVE TO.

MARLON BROWNE?

YES?

CONGRATULATIONS.

I DID IT! I GOT INTO RAMSEY!

IT'S FROM RAMSEY?

NO. IT'S FROM ED McMAHON.

YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY WON $10 MILLION.

SEE, I GET THE FEELING

WE COULD DOUBLE OUR ENDOWMENT

IF WE COULD JUST GET A STRONGER STUDENT BODY--

LEO, I BELIEVE THIS FOLDER ESCAPED YOUR ATTENTION.

THANK YOU, SALLY.

WELL, LOOK WHO JUST WALKED IN--

MR. GRUMPY DECIDE TO FINISH HIS TENURE?

GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK, KID.

LAST CHANCE TO ADMIT

THE REJECT DU JOUR, KIP.

NO, NO, THAT'S YOUR DEPARTMENT, LEO.

AU CONTRAIRE, KIPSTER.

IT'S THE LIKES OF LEONARD EDWARD FUNT

THAT CATCH MY EYE.

LISTEN TO THESE NUMBERS--

800 VERBAL, 760 MATH.

4.0 GPA.

SECOND-RANKED IN HIS CLASS.

I WONDER WHICH SOPHOMORIC ADMISSIONS OFFICER

KEPT THIS KID A SECRET...KIP.

LEO, LET ME SEE THAT.

I DON'T REMEMBER HEARING ABOUT THIS FOLDER.

WHO WERE THE READERS? I WAS.

THAT FIGURES.

OH, AND YOU, TOO, LEO.

ME AND FLUTTER?

MM-HMM.

LET ME SEE THAT FOLDER.

EXCUSE ME, LEO. GOOD LORD, LEO.

YOUR COMMENTS ARE RIGHT HERE.

"LEONARD EDWARD FUNT IS A FIRST-RATE SPECIMEN.

DON'T LET HIM SLIP AWAY."

AND I MEANT IT. I MEAN, JUST LOOKING

AT THOSE NUMBERS MAKE MY MOUTH WATER.

I SAY WE SEND A LIMO

UNLESS KIP HAS AN ARGUMENT.

WHAT THE HELL.

THANK YOU, KIP.

NOW, AS THE NEW DEAN,

I'M GONNA BE MAKING A FEW CHANGES--

FIRST, A PAINT JOB FOR THE OLD BEEMER.

SO I'LL NEED TWO PARKING SPACES.

I MIGHT HAVE TO BUMP YOU DOWN

TO THE CUSTODIAL PARKING LOT. MIND?

OK, LEO, ANYTHING YOU SAY.

I'M BEGINNING TO LIKE YOU, FLUTTER.

MAYBE I WON'T MOVE YOUR OFFICE DOWN

TO THE BASEMENT.

LEO, MR. FUNT HAS ARRIVED,

AND KIP THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANT TO SAY HELLO.

LEONARD EDWARD FUNT, THE NEW PRIDE OF RAMSEY?

NOW WE'RE GONNA SEE THE KIND OF STUDENT

WE SHOULD BE ADMITTING TO RAMSEY.

NOW, DEAN, I'M SURE YOU'LL ENJOY MEETING

THE KIND OF STUDENTS WE SHOULD BE ADMITTING

HERE AT RAMSEY,

STUDENTS WHICH I, AS YOUR SUCCESSOR,

WOULD BE VERY PROUD TO PROVIDE FOR THESE HALLOWED HALLS.

NOW, LEONARD E. FUNT

IS ONE OF MY PERSONAL PRIDES.

LEONARD.

WHAT IS THIS THING?

IT'S NOT A THING, LEO, IT'S A PACHYDERM--

L.E. FUNT, THE NEW PRIDE OF RAMSEY.

LEONARD EDWARD... L.E. FUNT.

BOB, PLEASE, YOU'VE GOT TO AGREE WITH ME

THAT THIS PRANK WON'T LOOK GOOD ON HAMMETT'S RECORD.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I QUIT, REMEMBER,

AFTER FIGHTING A LOSING BATTLE

TO ADMIT A FEW GOOD HUMAN BEINGS.

WHAT'S THIS?

THIS IS A FILTHY BEAST AND A STUPID PRANK

COMPLIMENTS OF KIP HAMMETT.

OH, AND ME.

DON'T TELL ME THIS IS LEONARD EDWARD FUNT.

YES, IT IS, CHANCELLOR.

JOANNA.

HE'S GOT THE PERFECT NUMBERS.

IF THESE STANDARDS HAD BEEN USED WHEN I APPLIED,

YOU NEVER WOULD HAVE ADMITTED ME.

I THINK RAMSEY AND I WERE A PERFECT MATCH.

SO DO I.

THAT'S ALL WE WANTED TO SAY,

SO GOOD LUCK.

SEE YOU LATER.

WAIT.

WE'VE GONE OVERBOARD, LEO.

YES. I THINK THEY'RE RIGHT.

WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST WE DO ABOUT THIS, KIP?

WELL, UH, WE DO HAVE A COUPLE OF SUGGESTIONS.

WHAT ABOUT LEONARD? IS HE GOING TO RAMSEY?

FLUTTER, WITH LEONARD'S NUMBERS,

HE'S GOT HIS HEART SET ON HARVARD.

HERE, LEO. HAVE A HAPPY FUTURE.

[SQUEAK]

SO, LEONARD...

HARVARD, HUH?

* DA DA DA DA DA DA

* DA DA DA DA DA DA DA...

THANK YOU. HAVE A NICE DAY. COME AGAIN.

IT'S FROM RAMSEY.

I'M TOO SCARED, MA. YOU OPEN IT.

* DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA *

* I WAS ONLY 17 WHEN SHE LOOKED AT ME THAT WAY... *

YOU DID IT, BABY.

I DID IT.

I GOT IN.

I GOT INTO COLLEGE!

* I FELT THE STRANGEST FEELING... *

IT'S FROM RAMSEY.

I GOT ACCEPTED.

I GOT REJECTED.

BUMMER.

WHAT'S YOURS SAY?

IT SAYS, "DEAR LORI,

"CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR ACCEPTANCE

"AT RAMSEY COLLEGE,

AND WE LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR VIOLIN PLAYING."

YOU PLAY THE OBOE. I PLAY THE VIOLIN.

SHIT. SHIT.

LOOK, HON... IT'S FROM RAMSEY.

ANOTHER WAIT LIST.

SHALL WE FILE IT WITH THE REST?

YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE MAKING A FIRE.

* THEN THE YEARS WENT ROLLING BY *

* I GREW UP AND MOVED AWAY *

* HAD TO EARN MY PAY

* FOUND ANOTHER LOVER THEN

* BUT MY HEART IS SAD TO SAY... *

WHAT HAPPENED?

I GOT INTO RAMSEY.

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU'RE GOING THROUGH WITH IT, HUH?

YOU'RE LEAVING?

I'LL SEND YOU POST CARDS, BROWNE.

HEY, I GOT A LOT OF MILES TO COVER,

AND IT ALL STARTS WITH THE FIRST STEP.

DON'T FORGET ME.

NOT IN A MILLION YEARS.

* LOVE CHANGES, CHANGES EVERYTHING *

* LOVE MAKES YOU FLY, IT CAN BREAK YOUR WINGS... *

SO...WHICH DIRECTION ARE YOU HEADED?

WE'RE TRAVELING THE WORLD

WITH UNCLAIMED GAME SHOW PRIZES.

OH, BOB, CAN WE TAKE HIM WITH US?

PLEASE, BOB? PLEASE?

PLEASE, BOB. TAKE ME WITH YOU.

OH, WHAT THE HECK. HOP IN, KID.

* LOVE CHANGES EVERYTHING

* DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA... *

HERE HE COMES NOW. RONNY, RONNY!

I'D LIKE TO SAY WE ARE SO PROUD

TO BE SIGNING HERE AT RAMSEY COLLEGE.

I MEAN, WE'RE JUST THRILLED--

YO, CHILL, BABY.

FOOTBALL IS A GREAT GAME,

BUT IT'S ONLY A GAME.

I THINK PLATO SAID IT BEST WHEN HE SAID,

"THE UNEXAMINED LIFE IS NOT WORTH LIVING."

I'M GRATEFUL TO THE RAMSEY FOOTBALL STAFF

FOR ITS SUPPORT,

BUT I'VE DECIDED TO DEDICATE MY TIME HERE

TO MORE INTELLECTUAL PURSUITS.

THANK YOU.

NICE OFFICE.

WAS IT ALWAYS THIS BIG?

DID IT ALWAYS HAVE THIS MANY WINDOWS?

YOU'RE SO IMPRESSED

WITH THE TRAPPINGS OF POWER.

I'M SO IMPRESSED WITH POWERFUL MEN.

YEAH.

DID IT ALWAYS HAVE THE LEATHER COUCH?

HMM.

* LOVE CHANGES

* DA DA DA DA DA DA DA

* LOVE CHANGES EVERYTHING

TWO MEN, A AND B,

ARE TRAPPED INSIDE MY MAILBOX,

CHAINED TO 200,000 POUNDS OF EXPLOSIVES.

THIS ISN'T FUNNY, MARLON!

COME ON, MAN, WHAT TEST IS THIS?

CUT IT OUT, MARLON!

WITH 30 SECONDS TO ESCAPE 3-INCH CHAINS,

SAWING AT ONE INCH PER SECOND,

WHAT ARE THEIR CHANCES OF SURVIVAL?

GO ON TO THE NEXT QUESTION! SKIP IT!

COME ON, MAN! GET US OUT OF HERE!

ANSWER THE QUESTION!

WHO CARES? I ALREADY GOT INTO COLLEGE.

HEY, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE KIDDING--AAH!

WE'RE NOT GOING TO DIE.

MARLON WOULDN'T KILL US.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WE'RE IN A MAILBOX!

COME ON, MARLON, LET US OUT!

COME ON, MARLON.

YOU MADE IT.

GREAT. YOU MADE IT.

A: THERE'S ALWAYS GRADUATE SCHOOL!

* ALL OF THE TIME

* WE'RE SEARCHING FOR SOMETHING TO BE *

* THAT'S SO MUCH MORE

* THAN WHAT THEY TELL US WE CAN BE *

* WE ALL KNOW MUCH BETTER

* THAT THERE'S TIME ENOUGH FOR DREAMING *

* IF WE ALL GO ON BELIEVING

* WE COULD TRY JUST A LITTLE

* LOVE JUST A LITTLE

* OPEN OUR HEARTS, OPEN OUR MINDS *

* IF WE CAN REMEMBER WE ARE YOUNG *

* AND ALL THE THINGS WE CAN BECOME *

* WE CAN SHARE THIS MOMENT ALL OUR LIVES *

* OVER AND OVER AGAIN

* IF WE CAN REMEMBER WE ARE YOUNG *

* AND THAT OUR LIVES HAVE JUST BEGUN *

* THEN WE CAN STAY FOREVER YOUNG *

* GOT TO BELIEVE IN WHAT WE KNOW *

* FOLLOW OUR HEARTS AND TRUST THE SOUL *

* FIGHTING FOR SOMETHING THAT YOU FEEL *

* YOU'VE GOT TO STAY WITH IT

* 'CAUSE THERE'S TIME ENOUGH FOR DREAMING *

* IF WE ALL GO ON BELIEVING

* WE COULD TRY JUST A LITTLE

* LOVE JUST A LITTLE

* OPEN OUR HEARTS, OPEN OUR MINDS *

* IF WE CAN REMEMBER WE ARE YOUNG *

* AND ALL THE THINGS WE CAN BECOME *

* WE CAN SHARE THIS MOMENT ALL OUR LIVES *

* OVER AND OVER AGAIN

* IF WE CAN REMEMBER WE ARE YOUNG *

* AND THAT OUR LIVES HAVE JUST BEGUN *

* THEN WE CAN STAY FOREVER YOUNG *

* REACHING FOR SOMETHING

* HIGHER AND HIGHER

* FINDIN' AND LOVIN'

* SOMETHING INSIDE YOU

* YOU GOT TO BELIEVE

* IF WE CAN REMEMBER WE ARE YOUNG *