Original subtitles

(ominous music)

(skull splattering)

(creepy music)

(creepy music)

(ominous music)

(aggressive rock music)

(people talking over each other)

- Hey bro, can you give me a beer please?

- No, you're driving.

- Give the man a beer, he's been driving all day.

- Come on, we're nearly there, what harm can it do?

- Are we nearly there?

I need to pee.

- Where is there exactly, I mean, where are we going?

(ominous music)

- We're going there in that old shitty hospital?

- It's educational.

- It's fucking creepy.

- You really know those special out of the way places

that a girl will just love.

- I also know how to get to those

out of the way woman places.

- Yeah, fucking creepy.

- Let's break out those flashlights

and we can all get our creep on, huh?

- I'll let you creep up on me, Trev.

- (laughs) I'm counting on it, babe.

- Come on, guys, let's go!

Last one in has to say Bloody Mary five times

in the first mirror we see!

(ominous music)

- Ha, is this your idea of fun?

- Eh, this is what we do.

Come on, join the party.

- Come on, Anna!

First time is the scariest, but you got to jump right in,

like ripping off a Band-Aid.

- Whose turn is it?

- You know I'm going to say it's my turn, right?

- Which means it's really mine.

- No, no, no that's not how this works.

- I think we should split up!

- God dammit, it was my turn.

- Get fucked.

- You first.

- With any luck.

- I'm going with Trev.

- Of course you are.

- Well, I guess you're with me then, new girl.

- Why does going off into the dark

with someone you barely know not seem like a good idea.

- Someone always says that.

(ominous music)

- [Trev] Come on, babe.

- Does it get much more exciting than this?

I'm not sure I can handle it.

(ominous music)

- Joss?

Hey babe, you there?

Oh, I'm so scared of you hiding out here in the dark, Joss.

Waiting on me.

- I'm not hiding.

- I can see that.

(creepy rumbling)

- What is that?

(creepy rumbling)

- You've just got to let it happen, okay.

(creepy rumbling)

It'll be over soon and then we can start again.

(creepy rumbling)

- What, what the hell are you talking about?

(creepy rumbling) (Anna screaming)

- Did you hear that?

- Well, I'm kind of busy at the moment.

- Trev, seriously, listen!

- Oh my god, I guess you really don't get used to it.

(Mark screaming)

- Oh my God.

- Should we go check it out?

- No, no, absolutely not!

- But I feel like I have to.

- No, you always do this!

Don't you leave me!

Trev!

Asshole.

- Mark?

Mark, Mark?

Joss, come on, (monster growling)

get out of here now!

- Trev?

(Trev screaming)

Trev!?

(creepy rumbling)

(monster gurgling)

(Joss screaming)

(ominous music)

(aggressive rock music)

(people talking over each other)

- Hey bro, can you give me a beer please?

(ominous music)

(camera shutter clicking)

(ominous music)

(camera shutter clicking)

(people yelling in agony)

- [Joss] It hurts, it hurts so much.

- [Trev] It hurts so much.

Help me.

(screaming)

(ominous music)

(car door opening)

- Hey, new girl.

- Come on over, there's room for one more.

(people chatting)

(ominous synthesizer music)

(monster growling)

(creepy music)

(creepy music)

(VCR door closing)

(static)

(ominous music)

(old ballroom music)

- You don't talk very much, do you? (laughs)

That's just fine with me.

Guess I'll be the one doing the talking.

My, my, what big eyes you have, my dear.

They told me they found you at the bottom of a lake.

You drowned.

Your lungs filled with the water and mud.

What were you doing down there?

You know,

you're one of the prettiest girls I've ever worked on.

I've seen all different types of people come in here.

Old people,

young people,

kids, even babies.

People that are torn in half, all cut up,

missing limbs.

They took a lot of work.

But not you.

You're easy.

Just a couple touch ups and,

(glove snapping)

voila,

you're done.

I like you.

(old ballroom music)

(music slowing down)

(mortician taking a deep breath)

Let's get you cleaned up.

Let's seal up those lips

so you can't kiss and tell, darling, hm?

Sweet dreams, beautiful.

(metal creaking)

(door squeaking)

(quiet rumbling)

(girl inhaling)

(door squeaking)

(door closing)

(door squeaking)

(girl breathing)

(scary music) (mortician screaming)

(girl growling)

(mortician screaming)

No, no, oh my God!

- I like you too.

- Oh God, stay away from me! (screaming)

- Do you still think I'm beautiful?

- No no no, I didn't, no! (screaming)

- Now it's my turn.

(screaming)

(old ballroom music)

(music slowing down)

(girl breathing)

(creepy music)

(creepy music)

(equipment snapping)

- Okay, so I'm going to ask you guys

to talk about the happy couple

and I just want you to say what comes natural.

Sound good?

- Sounds good.

I think we just want to say congratulations.

You guys are perfect for each other.

We're so happy for you.

- Yeah, you guys are awesome.

It's really brave to do what you're doing.

We just love you so much.

- You guys are gonna be great.

- [Cameraman] Okay, so just go ahead

and say what you want to say.

- Okay.

Well, Alex, Sam, you guys are so beautiful together.

I know your parents decided not to come today

and I know that that's sad,

but I want you to remember how many friends came.

We love you, no matter what.

(kisses) Congratulations.

- Party time! - Woo-hoo-hoo!

- Let's get drunk!

- We, we started a little early.

(laughing)

- The beer pong cups were a nice addition

to the wedding decor.

- Is this a Catholic mass?

- Well, it's not really a wedding, is it?

I mean, it's not even legal here yet.

Is it?

- [Cameraman] I don't know, man.

I'm just doing the video.

- It's like a, a union or something.

What does the Bible say about it?

Anyways, enjoy your day, guys.

And yeah,

you're gonna cut the other shit out though right?

- Well guys, I know this is sort of a shotgun thing.

Not sure if someone got pregnant or something,

but here's to you.

To Dan and Sarah.

- Um, this is Sam and Alex's wedding.

- Sam and Alex?

Who are they?

Am I at the wrong wedding?

- I think so.

This is definitely not for Dan or Sarah.

- Dammit, not again.

So like, no cake or anything?

- [Cameraman] No.

- Hi, Alex.

I'm really happy you invited me today.

I know it's been really hard for you and Sam.

I'm sorry that I may have added to that.

I know Mom and Dad didn't come,

but I'm really happy I'm here.

I mean, it may take me some time

to get used to the idea of you two, (giggles)

but today is all about you

and that's so great.

It's great.

- Okay, whew.

That's okay.

You're allowed to be nervous.

It's perfectly natural.

Today's a big day.

And so many people are counting on you to do this well,

so do it well!

No matter what they say,

this is the right thing to do.

(knocking)

- Hey man, it's time.

You're ready?

- Yeah.

Just so nervous, man.

- Good, should be.

(laughing nervously)

("Here Comes the Bride" on organ)

(Sam wheezing)

- Has she lost weight?

(Sam wheezing)

- There is nothing more beautiful in God's creation

than the love for another being.

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast.

(Sam wheezing)

It is not proud, it does not dishonor others.

It is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered.

It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in truth.

It always protects, always trusts,

always hopes, always perseveres.

Today, we are here to celebrate Alex

and Sam.

You may have hard days ahead of you,

but your love for each other

will only make those struggles easier.

So today, in front of God and family,

you may now kiss the bride.

(creepy music)

(creepy music)

You may now kiss the bride.

(Sam growling) (Alex screaming)

(attendees screaming)

- Today is the big day,

and I don't think we could be more excited.

(Sam moaning)

(Sam gurgling) Honey, stop it, stop it.

We were both nervous for what people would think,

but ultimately it's not like our personal life

will affect anyone else.

(attendees screaming)

(woman screaming)

(attendees screaming)

(Sam gurgling)

- Get up!

Get up, what are you doing! (screaming)

(screaming)

(Sam wheezing)

(preacher yelling)

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

(Sam gurgling)

- Honey, that was awesome!

We gotta go, we're gonna get eaten.

- [Man] Where's my inhaler!?

(screaming)

Both of us were excited to write our own vows.

Couldn't really do the traditional ones for obvious reasons.

I mean that whole 'til death do us part thing,

didn't really work for us.

(ominous music)

(folk music)

♪ I packed my dusty old guitar

♪ Canceled all my credit cards

♪ I had to run and change my name ♪

♪ I think I missed the rapture

♪ Or else somebody snatch her

♪ It's takin' me out of the frame ♪

♪ But I'm too stressed

♪ And I'm repressed

♪ To say it all that's on my mind ♪

♪ You left me

♪ And you get me

♪ No you don't, never mind

(creepy music)