Original subtitles

- Are you sure you're okay? - Yeah, I'm fine. I'm over it.

Okay, good, 'cause it's just a game, so it would be stupid

- if you actually... - Firefighters should not lose

to actors in softball!

Shouldn't happen. I mean, how does a team

called "First Responders" get killed

by A Midsummer Night's Team?

You think because we're actors

we can't play serious sports?

You kept calling the dugout "backstage."

And then that shortstop... the way he'd catch the ball

and then just consider it, like it was Yorick's skull.

I mean, give me a break.

Wait. Augustine?

Are you jealous?

Pfft. Yeah, you think I could be jealous

of a guy named "Augustine"?

I don't know, Frederick Gaylord Crane.

He's tall, he's handsome,

he was the best player out there.

Yeah, and he also cheated.

Tripped me on the base path.

But I got him back.

Grabbed his scarf as he was rounding third.

He spun like a top.

Was that before or after his game-winning grand slam?

During.

Hey, Dad. Remind me.

Where'd you go to college?

Today is the Harvard-Yale game, Frederick.

Figured you and your chums would enjoy that.

Don't they like sports?

Yeah, but mainly when they're played by athletes.

Did I hear you're throwing some kind of a party?

Not just any party.

The Psychology Department has asked me

to host their annual alumni tailgate.

You're throwing a tailgate?

Yes, at the apartment.

You, you do know what a tailgate is, though?

Yeah, of course, I know. I know. In fact,

the very first tailgate was at a Harvard-Yale game in 1906.

Really? Did you have a good time?

I am elevating the form

by hiring one of the Back Bay's finest caterers.

And, as a doffed cap

to the bloodlust of the everyday sports fan,

I've arranged to have a Yale Bulldog piñata.

You wicked scamp.

- I'm gonna clean up a little. - Right.

What a quaint tavern.

I've always admired how you don't need much.

Dr. Crane, Eve, this is my sister, Monica.

Lovely to see you.

- Pleasure to meet you both. - Nice to meet you.

So, you're up from Yale then?

I-I thought Bulldogs traveled in packs.-.

I'm taking a page out of my sister's book

and going solo today.

It must be nice to exist outside the male gaze.

I've missed this good-natured bantering of ours.

I haven't said a word.

Dear, that's my husband Russell calling.

You'd think his only duty is to dote on me.

It's not his only duty. He's also Chief of Neurosurgery.

I know what you mean.

My Mark is constantly

calling and texting me. It's like, "You have me already.

Stop trying so hard."

Mark?

Well, I should take this.

Hi.

No, nothing important.

So,

where are we on being honest

about each other's family members?

More importantly, who is Mark?

Why haven't you told us about this new boyfriend?

Gosh, lots of reasons.

Work gets in the way, I don't want to jinx it,

and also, I only just made him up.

And why would you do that?

Because storytelling is in my blood.

Why do you think? You just met her.

She's always been like this.

Always just a little bit better, a little bit smarter,

and always just shoving it in my face.

She's like a scorpion with those jabs.

A beautiful, married scorpion

who some say redefined the comparative semiotics

of late-Germanic poetics.

You won't catch me saying that.

Remember, Olivia,

I, too, have a sibling who attended Yale.

And trust me, I have wasted far too much time,

money and energy on a petty sibling rivalry

which goes on to this day.

So you're saying take the high road?

No, I'm saying bury her.

For all of us.

Alan.

Happy Harvard-Yale Day.

Yes. Rah-rah and so forth.

You know, I was surprised to hear

that you're hosting a tailgate, what with the other party.

I will now utter the three saddest words

in the English language. "What other party?"

Well, the party at the president's home.

The...

Don't-don't worry. Don't worry. I'm sure nobody's going.

- And who is nobody? - Yes-men,

hangers-on, sycophants.

Nobel Prize-winning Valdo Kotnik.

Valdo Kotnik... is in Cambridge?

Valdo Kotnik is going to another party?

Allegedly.

Well, definitely.

Who's Valdo Kotnik?

He's just the most illustrious author in Estonia,

one of the finest minds of our time.

He's incredibly reclusive.

He hasn't been seen in public in years.

He's like Pynchon or Salinger or...

- Bigfoot? - Off you go, Eve. - His name is Sasquatch.

You know, I'm sure the president wouldn't mind you joining.

You just cancel your tailgate and come along.

No, I can't cancel. It's in an hour.

Curse etiquette.

How it jails me.

I could have met the bright star of Estonia,

the troubadour of our common suffering,

the master of the memoir form.

Well, I'm sure your party might be fun, too.

Did I hear talk of a piñata?

I could have discussed The Greys of Valga

with the man himself.

Perhaps he would have even looked at my own memoir,

even offered to write a blurb for it.

I've got to find a way to get to that other party.

I've got it.

You could pretend...

to be twins.

I...

could pretend to be twins?

Yes. Like The Parent Trap.

But I'm just one person.

Well, that's the genius, you see?

You pretend that you're at your party,

but in reality, you're at the president's house.

Alan, I can't be at two parties at once.

Exactly. The Parent Trap.

So, Mark. Fascinating.

- Where did you meet him? - At the symphony.

- Works there? - Plays there.

- Capacity? - Guitarist. Spanish.

Spanish man or Spanish guitar?

Both.

A soloist. So he's musically and emotionally unavailable.

- - Do you think you're drawn to him

because of your distant father?

He's your father, too!

You're deflecting like your mother.

We have the same family!

No, Mark is obsessed with me.

- He's always at my side. - So it's not long-distance?

Nope, he is right here in Boston.

So he'll obviously be at the party.

Obviously.

It's Russell again.

Excuse me. Hi, Russell.

No, do not send roses to this bar!

Damn her. What was I thinking?

A fake boyfriend? What am I gonna do?

How about we get someone

to pretend to be Mark at the party?

I have tons of actor friends.

That sounds complicated.

Maybe I should just bite the bullet

and end this childish ruse.

A model?

Please, I'm a professor.

The only thing I model are linguistic patterns

as they pertain to Heideggerian modalities.

Find me a fake boyfriend.

On it.

Dad, you okay?

You look like one of the guests at one of your parties.

Just found out there's a better party

the same time as my own.

I wouldn't worry. I bet you could still make it.

I mean, knowing your parties, some hilariously tragic

and completely avoidable catastrophe

will end the whole thing in, what, like, 20, 30 minutes?

My guess?

Piñata full of bees.

Freddy.

That's it.

I'll sabotage my own party.

No fine wine, no haute cuisine.

Dad, no, not the haute cuisine.

Quiet, you!

And thank you.

Freddy, Freddy, I need your help.

Step right up. I'm on a roll.

Olivia needs a handsome fake boyfriend

to impress her sister at your dad's party,

but none of my friends are free.

And you were wondering if I could just...

Ask one of the guys on your softball team, yes!

Yeah. Right. Great minds. - Yeah.

- One of the cute ones? - Yeah.

Sure, sure. Sorry.

Which ones do you think are the cute ones?

Where do I start? Tom,

Abiola, James.

- Nicholas. - G-Got it.

Okay, I'll make some calls.

Call Nicholas first.

Okay, thank you. You're the best!

One of the cute ones?

I'm the cute one.

Look at my guests.

Enjoying themselves.

Kindling old friendships.

Forging new ones.

What a disaster.

What happened to sabotaging the party?

I tried. I got rid of Haruki's food, and I nixed the decor.

Why didn't you get rid of the alcohol?

That keg is shockingly heavy!

But I have one last arrow in my quiver...

the poison pill to any respectable gathering. Come.

Everyone, attention!

The frozen pizza bagels are ready!

Hello, Frasier.

And, also, you're welcome.

- For what? - For getting Valdo to come.

Yes, that's right.

My friend in the Slavic department owed me a favor.

Plus, of course, Valdo loves good booze,

which the president didn't have,

because some people have no taste.

Ooh, pizza bagels.

Alan, thank you. This is wonderful news. I...

Maybe I can still get Valdo to write a blurb for my memoir.

- - But does this mean he might already be at the party?

- Do you see him? - Well, I have no idea.

I don't even know what he looks like!

Well, even he doesn't know what he looks like.

Rumor has it, he had all the mirrors in his house removed.

Yes, his author photo is a picture of a wheat field!

Excuse me.

Well, here comes good old Alan to the rescue again.

My friend has just texted, "Should let you know

what Valdo looks like before my phone dies."

- We may be on our own. - Yes.

All right, no need to panic.

David, you mingle a bit.

Try to find out which one Valdo is.

And I will go upstairs and print out an excerpt

of my memoir just to pique his interest.

Yeah. Valdo needs good booze.

Right. I'll fetch a bottle

of 2017 Château d'Yquem from the basement.

Ooh, ooh, you could pair it with the first meal he had

- when he escaped to Sweden! - Strawberries and cream!

- And I can do that! - Perfect.

Gentlemen, once more unto the breach.

Excuse me?

- Yes. - Have you ever written a memoir

that explores the depths of childhood trauma and despair?

- Yes! - Who hasn't? - Of course. Of course.

Good to see you. Augustine!

Just in time.

Okay, they're about to show up.

Remember, you're Olivia's boyfriend Mark,

a prominent Spanish guitarist.

Perfect. This is a great role.

Thank you so much for this opportunity.

You're gonna be great.

- Any questions? - No. Just, in terms of accent,

really getting to the core of the character here,

what are we thinking for Mark? Is he...

an erudite scholar from Salamanca?

- Could be. - Or perhaps

Mark is a serious Basque from Bilbao?

- Why not? - Maybe a fun-loving Andalusian

with a flair for the dramatic?

Anything! Except for the last one.

Today is all about improv.

So, whatever anyone asks you, just say "Yes, and."

"Yes, and." Okay.

They're here. They're here.

- Are you ready? - Hold on. One moment.

Listo.

Mi amor.

Ooh.

Mark! You beat us here.

Yes, and... I've been counting the minutes till your arrival.

Aye, Monica, Monica, Monica.

Mwah. Mwah.

Pleasure to meet you.

And you, as well.

Allow me to take your coats

and get you a drink.

Not bad.

You know, I just pray he's not one of those

that's using you to get to me.

Shall we?

Sweetheart.

Hi, I'm Mark.

This is, wait. T-this is Mark?

A different Mark.

Is he from Spain, too?

Don't be silly. He's...

British.

S'right, love.

Land of the lorries, land of the loos.

W-What part of England are you from?

More like what part isn't he from?

No, this adventurer has-has planted his flag

in every shreeve and shire,

every hamlet and dale.

But where did his story start?

To know that, you'd have to know England,

but it's a little place called...

...London.

- Big family? - All dead.

He has suffered much hardship.

But he persevered.

And joined the Royal Air Force.

Overcoming his extreme vertigo.

Excuse us a minute.

What are you doing?

I'm being Mark, innit?

Well, I was gonna ask one of my friends,

but then I was, like... I'm obviously the best option.

I already found a Mark. I texted you.

"We're good on Mark."

And you responded, "Yay!"

No. Your text was a question,

"We're good on Mark?"

To which I responded, "Yea." Y-E-A. It's not "Yay."

There's no question mark.

Well, the question mark was implied.

- There's no such thing. - "Yay," there is.

Hey, Dad, I got a question about punctuation.

Ooh! No, stay on task.

Okay, can you please just go?

Augustine is already playing Mark.

Wait, Augustine's here?

Augie's doing a great job.

So he's Augie now.

What is your problem with him?

I'm sorry, was that a question? I didn't hear a question mark.

All right, I got the wine now.

Which chapter should I give him...

Alan, what's going on

- with the strawberries and cream? - I don't know.

I-I was just... just give me a minute.

Okay, it-it's a simple recipe.

- Why's my juicer out? - I don't know.

I was stirring

and I was stirring and, and nothing happened

- and I-I-I panicked, okay? - If you don't know how to make

strawberries and cream, why did you volunteer?

It's strawberries and cream, how difficult can it be?

And in case we need it, I've preheated the oven.

I'm still confused.

You're seeing two men?

- Yes. - Both named Mark?

Yes.

See, I-I was seeing Mark, but we took a break,

and that's when I met Marc, Marc with a "C."

But part of me still

really likes Mark... not C-Marc, K-Mark...

which is tricky because Marc is great...

...but so is Mark.

I know what's going on here.

You want me to help you decide

between the two of them because after years of failure in love,

you no longer trust yourself.

No, no, no, that's not necessary.

No, no, no, no, no. I get it.

It's hard for you to ask for my help.

But that's what big sisters are for.

By the end of this party, you'll know

which Mark is best.

I will dig deep...

down to their most hidden motivations.

I really don't want you

- to put yourself... - Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup!

Shoo.

Accept the gift.

Alan?

Are you cutting those strawberries crosswise?

This is not a prison kitchen!

Lengthwise, Alan, lengthwise.

Frasier, where are your aprons?

Just behind you, the left drawer.

I quit.

Which Mark should I start with?

Why don't you stay here,

- and I will go and grab one for you? - Thank you.

Alan.

I need you to distract my sister.

I have two fake boyfriends here,

and I need to get rid of them before she finds out.

My God, Olivia. You have a sister?

Yes. Monica.

All my life, I have been in her shadow.

No matter how hard I try,

she just always seems to eclipse me.

I just really need some help right now.

Say no more.

Thank you.

Hello. Alan Cornwall.

Alan. Olivia's told me so much about you.

All good things, I hope.

Do you think your reliance on alcohol is related

to your estrangement from your family?

This is a trap.

- Excuse me. - ¿Sí?

Are you a reclusive Estonian author?

Yes, and

it is pleasure to meet you.

I am, of course,

merely being polite as I am a recluse.

Well.

Fantastic. Don't move.

Freddy. Freddy, Freddy, Freddy, Freddy, you need to get out.

No, Mark, you have to leave?

Leave now.

But my sister hasn't talked with you.

Do not talk with my sister.

Yeah.

Sorry, toots.

Feeling a wee bit dizzy. Whoa, whoa!

Steady, old boy.

Wait. Olivia, are you...?

Are you lying to me so that I'll leave

so Augustine's the only Mark?

No, I want you both gone.

Well, why is he just standing there then?

Like some kind of idiot who's not even that handsome.

Jealousy is a sickness, Freddy.

Stop it! Nobody's lying except for the lying

we already know we're lying about, okay?

Eve, get rid of the handsome man.

He barely has cheekbones.

All right. I will get my coat.

But you have just lost the best fake boyfriend you never had.

I am mentally exhausted.

Are you holding up physically?

- I guess. - Great. Whisk this for three more minutes.

Uncle, I found Valdo.

Wonderful.

Olivia, I'm so sorry.

Would you mind slicing those strawberries for me?

Lengthwise?

Abort mission. Freddy's already pretending to be Mark,

and now Olivia wants everyone to leave.

Freddy. He stretched out my athletic scarf

and now it looks ridiculous.

Thank you for your help, but please go?

Of course.

I'll see you at softball rehearsal.

Sweetie... ...it's called practice.

The pride of Estonia.

Already leaving?

I-I, I was dying to talk with you.

Yes, and I you.

- Wonderful. - You know who I am.

Of course I know who you are. You are...

you.

Come, come and sit.

"As the sun ripened over Lake Siljan,

"we feasted on wild strawberries

and sweet cream."

"And it was as if we were tasting the sunset itself."

You've read The Greys of Valga.

I wrote The Greys of Valga.

You're Valdo Kotnik?

You're Valdo Kotnik.

I am so sorry. I've insulted you, it's...

Mortally insulted.

The only way to repair

such an insult is

to offer me a glass of this excellent sauternes.

Paired, of course, with your unflinching beauty.

Who am I to argue with a Nobel Prize winner?

The Greys of Valga.

It haunts me still.

It haunts me, too.

So many greys.

Yes, yes. And, honestly,

the way you still manage to, to evoke hope in your writing.

I mean, it's difficult enough in fiction,

let alone in-in the memoir form.-.

Thank you.

I am very proud of my, book?

- It is book, yes? - You.

You're so modest.

You know, you know, I-I was wondering, I've...

I have been written a memoir of my own,

- and I, I would hate to presume, but... - No, please.

- Presume it, presume it. - Really?

- Yes. - Really?

- Yes. - Well, then. Um...

If you could just maybe read a sample chapter?

And if you would,

consider proffering a blurb?

For you, I write blurb.

Powerful blurb.

Five stars. Book nice for beach.

Sticker say "Valdo's Book Club."

Such a sense of humor.

This is very exciting.

I'll tell you what.

One good sauternes deserves another.

You'll know exactly what that means in a moment.

This is for a special guest, not some beatnik.

And you've finished the bottle. Well, fine. Fine.

Vulgar and rude. My goodness.

You must be a Yale man. I'll get another bottle.

Wow. You're still here.

Time to leave, buddy.

Actually...

I was asked to stay, buddy.

Yeah? Why should I believe a cheater?

'Cause I don't care what Eve says about you.

- I know you're a... - Bloody arse.

You are. And I tell you something,

I wouldn't have a cup of tea with you

if you was the last bloke in Knightsbridge!

¡Eres un cabrón!

Boys, boys!

Boys. Gather yourselves.

Yeah, knock it off.

I don't think either one of you are right for my sister.

Well, surely not the one who's a violent psychopath.

Well, at least I'm not a cheating cheater.

He cheated on my sister?

No, worse.

It was softball.

What, what is going wrong here?

- Have you gone insane? - W... No. He...

How can you talk to Valdo Kotnik that way?

- Yes, very rude. - No.

This isn't Valdo Kotnik. This is Marc, with a "C."

Sí.

Yeah. Watch out, everybody.

This bloke's just trying trick all of youse.

Frasier, good news.

My friend's phone is finally recharged.

So let's see, "Valdo has salt-and-pepper hair,

is wearing a green jacket and horn-rimmed glasses."

Dear.

No, Olivia.

How dare you?

Valdo Kotnik?

You're dating Valdo Kotnik?

Uncle, when you have a minute,

I think I may have made a mistake.

Olivia.

How, how could you?

How could I what?

How much attention do you need?

Having two boyfriends wasn't exciting enough,

you had to go after a third?

Sure, it can be intoxicating, having men rely on you.

I should know. There's never a break

when you're married to Dr. Russell Oxridge.

He's always calling. And calling and calling...

"Where's the remote? Where are the batteries?

"Is it double-A or triple-A?

How do I open the back of the remote?"

Damn it, Russell! How can you open

a human skull and not know how to open

the back of a TV remote?

But, you know, at least you found one decent man

because both of these Marks are terrible!

Especially that one.

Boom! Better Mark.

Mr. Kotnik, um...

I-I would like to apologize for my,

my twin's brutish behavior just now.

Y'all know how this goes.

Yeah, maybe. But I got you pegged.

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