Original subtitles

♪ We could tear up this town

Troy: Of all the players here, we know you're our man.

You are excellent at poker, Tucker. We know that.

I mean, you're 83rd in the world, that's no slouch.

Gary: Mnh-mnh.

But you ain't gonna win the King of Clubs without us.

Now, you boys are talking about my immortal soul.

That's the biggest chip I got, son.

And you want me to go all-in.

Yes.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

I'm sorry, boys, but...

I'm gonna have to Pasadena.

We agreed to this! I bought a burger for you!

You know what? Maybe you're just gonna have to sweeten

the deal a little bit for me.

All right, all right.

How sweet we talking here?

I want my own island, Scarlett Johansson,

the power of invisibility,

and the poker championship, of course.

How 'bout I throw in some of them

Wolverine finger blades!

Oh! No!

I'm sorry for this man, okay.

So we're gonna go calm down over there.

We're gonna come back.

I ordered some sweet potato fries.

Thank you.

First of all, Troy, it's adamantium bone claws.

And, second of all, is Satan running a Project X?

No. You tell me now, because if I have the mutichin,

I think I could be some sort of Balloon Man --

Will you shut up, Gary! I'm not giving him an island.

I'm not giving him Scarlett Johansson.

Well, maybe we could get him a hammock and Renee Zellweger.

He's bluffing.

That's why they call him "Lip Licker."

That's his tell.

Ahem.

The deal is null and void. Thank you for your time.

Good luck to you, sir.Whoa!

♪♪

Whoa, man!

I don't even know how you sit down

with them big brass balls of yours.

I told you he'd fold.

I mean, the guy licks his lips.

He's a lip licker! Licking his lips.

Oh, hey. Hey, why don't we go and we take his soul,

and we bring it to Satan right now,

like on a platter, like a Christmas pig.

We can't do that, Gary.

We got to wait for the guy to die first.

You don't take souls from living people.

Christmas pig.But don't worry about it.

Once the guy dies, you'll have all eternity to screw with him.

Let's celebrate.

You know what--Beer me up, scoochay!

No, I can't do any of that stuff.

I'm actually gonna call my sponsor now.

I'm getting -- you know, Vegas is not a great place for me.

Whoosh.

What's that, 'cause I'm whipped?

I'm sponsor-whipped?

I'm an alcoholic, Gary.

I should not be in a place with alcohol.

It doesn't mean I'm whipped. I have a disease.

Whoo!

All right, fine, you want to go out?

Let's go have some fun.

I will have one club soda

while you make a profound jackass out of yourself.

You're gonna love watching me drink.

Yeah. Ha ha.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Oh.

Hey, it's 11:30.

What times does the poker thing start?

You got the contract?

What -- What do you mean? I thought that you had it.

Oh, where the...

Okay, I got it right here.I got it right here.

Oh, good, we got two -- we're covered.

What do you mean we got two?

Why do we have two?

Gary, who the hell is Gail Dougan?

Uh...[ Knock on door ]

Who is it?

It's Carl and Gail Dougan -- from last night!

I can make you the best poker player in the world.

Yeah. Yeah, I did it for a guy.

I did it for a guy.

That would be great!

What do we do? What do I have to do?

I'll do anything.Sign on the dotted line.

It's that easy.Okay.

Who else wants to be a poker player?

I can't believe you gave them the same deal.

Two people can't win the same poker tournament.

Listen, you're making a big deal out of this, okay?

We can just tear up the contract.

Uh, hold on here, fellas.

Gail already gave you her soul.

No, no, no, we're not idiots.

We know not to take the soul

from a living person, right, Gary?

Okay, now, here's the thing.

According to this, what I'm really gonna need from you

is I'm gonna need your soul as a deposit.

That's good enough for me.Okay, well.

Let me just do the incantation and we'll be ready to go.

Okay.

[ Speaking incantation ]

[ Screams ]

Oh, no! I've made a horrible mistake!

It's hot! It's hot!

She's gonna be -- she's gonna be okay.

You just get her some orange juice and cookies.

You want to go up to the room, maybe lay down?

You know what you need is a shot,

just a little to power through it,

and then get some hair of the dogs.

Ruff ruff ruff!

What did I tell you?!

We don't take the souls from living people!

You were wasted.

Okay, it was a YOLO kind of night.

Listen, if you guys want to just undo this whole thing,

I wouldn't be opposed, okay, because, honestly,

Gail has been real moody, bitey.

That's normal for someone who's hung over.

The light hasn't left her eyes...

at all.

[ Telephone rings ]Soul peeling.

It's Troy. We sent you somebody last night.

Her name is Gail, she's got blonde hair,

I don't know, like, 5'2" or something.

She's probably screaming a lot.

Yeah, I think I got her.

[ Screaming ]

She's already peeled, though.

Well, unpeel her.What do you mean peeled?

You can have the jacket I made out of her.

You made a jacket out of her?

Jacket? You know what?

I've got a few extra pieces here.

I could maybe sew her into a scarf.

Forget it, Dumb-dumb.

Where did I put your rectum?

♪♪

I've got good news for you and bad news.

Now, the bad news is you're not gonna win the tournament.

But the good news is you're gonna get to keep your soul.

Turns out we're full up.

Yeah, there's no room at the inn.

So, you know, we'll just rip this little contract up

and you can be free and on your way.

Nah.

Sorry, fellas.

I'm standing pat.

He's not licking his lips.

I don't think that he's bluffing.

What if I gave you that island you wanted

and Scarlett Johansson...

and the power of invisibility?

Like we made Scarlett Johansson.

Scarlett?

Scarlett, put those free nuts down.

Come on over.

Whoa, Scarlett, what are you doing --

taking your shirt off in a restaurant?

Wowie, wowie, wow!

Pleasure meet ya, Miss Johansson.

Scar-Jo. Yeah.

Uh, I'm very happy you're gonna be my wife.

[ High-pitched ] No, I'm sorry, mister, your hands are wet, no.

No, I...

God dang it! There's nobody there!

Am I licking my lips? Do I have a tell?

I'm starting to think

you guys can't even deliver on the tournament.

You're absolutely right.

Because we're incompetent.We're stupid.

If I were you, I wouldn't even be in business with us,

so just come on back over here, we'll rip this contract up,

and then we'll call it a day.

Honey, you're starting to scare me.

[ Overlapping voices ] I just want to feel something.

Could I get another Bloody Mary over here, please?

Double vodka.

Maybe you need to ease off on those, Troy.

You can't tell him what he can or cannot or how much to drink.

Who is this bozo, Troy?

I'm not supposed to say.

I'm his sponsor. Ah.

What are you doing here, Gerald?

I'm here to win the poker tournament, Troy.

Remember?

No.

[ Crying ] I know it's been tough for you

since you died and went to hell, but...

remember, take things one day at a time.

I just can't control myself!

That's the first step, admitting you have a problem.

Me, I got two problems -- alcohol and gambling.

You're a terrible sponsor, Gerald.

Vegas, baby! [ Laughs ]

Kind of funny.

What are we gonna do now?

I have a terrible idea, and I'm not gonna execute it well.

Whit: Welcome back to Las Vegas, Nevada, and the 19th annual

King of Clubs poker championship.

And, Jimmy, then there were three.

Jimmy: Well, choose your dark horse, Whit.

We've got two unranked amateurs and Lip Licker Roney.

A capable player, certainly,

but no one's choice to win this thing.

No way.

Is this, honestly, the best dealer they could get?

This dude is dealing like a blind man with boxing gloves.

What's up?

Let's see how he handles this.

I don't have a good feeling about it.

Ah. Burning the nine. Burning the nine.

Go, Gail!

[ Shrieks ]

Ugh.

[ Snarling ]

Whit: Am I seeing this right?

Each player has two aces...

and there's three aces on the flop.

There's something very wrong here.

There's another ace on the turn.

How many aces are in this deck?

Go all in.

You ain't supposed to tell us when to bet.

Go all in now. You're going all in.

Going all in. Everyone unanimously goes all in.

Oh, my God, it's a tie.What kind of game is this?

This is incredible. This is historic.

Everybody wins!

Everybody -- no! Troy?

Troy, cause a distraction!

Troy, whip your dick out! Troy!

Ohh.

It's my secret stash.

[ Chuckles ]

This is kind of funny, if you think about it.

You think you can come into this casino,

and you can cheat at cards?

This casino is still proudly Mob-owned.

Blow me, Geppetto.

You can't [bleep] with me.

I'm Satan's right-hand man.

Oh, so you're a righty then.

Oh. Oh!

Oh, shit!

Oh! Oh, no!

Wait a second.

Do both. It doesn't hurt to be safe.

Oh!

My beautiful hands!

Oh, I'll never play the banjo again!

Oh! Oh!

Wait until Satan hears about this.

He's gonna get you!

Shit!

♪♪

Troy!

Were you in there the whole time?

Yeah, I was under a bunch of other coins.

I couldn't see anything.

You know, these damn machines don't pay off for shit.

Oh, man. I spent some time in a urinal,

and then a hobo pissed all over me.

And then he fished me out, didn't even wash me off.

He just put me in a machine, and I still smell it.

Kenny Loggins was here about a month ago.

Oh. I heard him sing.

Peggy, come on. What, are you nuts?

Just...

Oh, stop, stop, stop!

Oh, I'm getting dizzy.

[ Retching ]

Please don't give me to a baby.

I can't do that again.

No, no, no, no, no! No, no!

No, no, no!

No! No. No!

I hate Vegas!