Original subtitles

Where's the, uh, the creepy guy?

Johnny? Yeah.

He ain't here because of you making the bees gay.

What?

He said, uh, you're working for Obama

on his gay bee agenda

and -- and you and him are lovers and --

and you got married in a secret ceremony.

You didn't tell us.

Okay, first of all,

I am not married to Obama.

He also said you're a Muslim.

Stan: The Hollywood globalists are adding food coloring

to all of the white foods.

White mayonnaise is illegal in Los Angeles.

It has to be brown by law.

Brown coleslaw -- they're calling it "Sharia Slaw."

Can you believe this?

People, it's not racist

to say we should eat white foods in America.

And that's Stan's Stance. Back after the break.[ Music plays]

Hey, I -- I -- I -- I -- I bet Sharia Slaw

tastes just as good as the --

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Hey, Johnny? Does this thing get music?

Aah! Damn, Johnny! It's my radio, man!

Don't.

Hey, buddy, we missed you at the meeting.

What's going on?I ain't your buddy.

I may work for you, but I'm not rubbing elbows

with a guy that caresses Obama's butt cheeks.

[ Chuckles ] I don't know what you heard.

I've never touched his butt cheeks.

Save your lies for the liberal snowflakes.

I know you're evil. Yeah.

But I don't like you and Obama putting soy sauce in the water.

I-- I'm not with Obama. It's --

Stan the Man says that soy has got estrogen.

That's why the vegetarians like it --

because they're making themselves into women.

But it gets in the water table, makes the bees gay,

and now we're paying for all these sex change operations

for these guys in the military.

I ain't gonna let no bee make me gay.

I take the supplements.

Well, it is just so great to meet you, Satan.

[ Chuckles ]For the very first time ever.

You see that, Johnny?

We're, uh, we're not married. We're not gay lovers.

I can see that Johnny here

has been through some tough times.

I don't see any Secret Service here.

They -- They didn't fit on, uh, Air Force One.

That's right.Air Force One is a big jet.

Or didn't you know that?

I know that. I just took the smaller one.

It was just Air Force Three.

I just remembered! God damn you!

You're a fake Obama, and you two are lovers!

Everybody's a Muslim! Johnny!

Air Force Three?

What do you expect for a hundred bucks, dude?

I told you the Obama impersonator was a bad idea.

You're just feeding right into Johnny's paranoid narrative.

I don't understand why you even care about this.

Just turn him inside out like you do me.

Stan: The Russians have nuclear bombs. We don't.

The Russians can obliterate us, annihilate us.

We can't do the same to them. Why?

Because Hillary Clinton sold the uranium to the Russians

so she could start a string of liquor lounges,

pornographic book stores, and strip bars.

I'm Stan the Man.

I'll break it down for you after the break.

[ Music plays ]

Man: Stan up for America with Stan the Man...

I'm gonna drop a Clinton in the toilet.

Be back in three.

Stan. You know who I am?

I'm Hillary's bottom bitch.Ooh.

Or am I the guy gay-married to Obama?

Well, you know, this is a private bathroom.

No fans.

Well... [Chuckles] You know, listen.

I think it's funny what you're doing,

but I'm gonna need you to tone down that satanic stuff.

Oh, I'm sure you'd like me to tone it down,

but you can't hide the truth, Mrs. Obama.[ Zipper opens ]

Well, the truth is, Stan,

I'm gonna turn your ass inside out

if you don't stop talking about me.

Ooh, I'd like to see you try that.

I got 30 pounds of muscle mass right here

that I got from my patented vitality insta-shake.

So let's bring it. Come on.

I don't want to fight you.I don't really...

'Cause you look good.

Ohh! Ohh!

Ohh! Ohh!

[ Gasps ]I told him I was gonna do it.

We ju-- Okay!I just -- I --

Sir?

Sir, I know I have to yell because your eardrums

are inside of you, okay?

I can feel your panic.

Okay? Just calm down.Hurry.

I need a, uh, a piece of his clothing.

Sir, I'm about to put my hand inside of your asshole.

Is that okay?

Give me an indication that that's okay.

Would his shirt work? The one he just took off?

Thank you, Claude.

Pulling his slacks through his asshole

is a lot harder than it sounds.

This'll work.

I got a whole handful of his slacks.

You don't want these?[ Door closes ]

♪♪

Man: ♪ American

[ Groaning ]

[ Music fades ]

Yep. Putting those on.

We...are...on the air.

Oh. Great. Oh, we're on the air. Hello!

I know, uh, I -- I have said on this -- this show that, uh,

uh, Obama is gay-married to me, but -- uh, Satan --

but, uh, that's not true.

You hear that, Johnny Harville?

Neither Obummer not Shillary are involved with Satan

in any way, shape, or form.

Now, I've heard through the grapevine, Johnny Harville,

that you believe that Obummer and Shillary,

they are sexually involved with me...

Johnny on line one.Hey, Johnny.

I got to take an issue with what you just said, man.

No, Johnny -- Johnny, listen to me.

Satan is strong. He's no one's bottom bitch.

That's not what you said in your book,

"Satan is Hillary's Bottom Bitch."

You said that Hillary impregnated Satan

and gave birth to Liam Dunham, man.

No, that's Lena Dunham.

Lena Dunham is a -- a well-respected,

talented actor and director.

Well, what you said is very boring, Stan.

I guess I'm gonna have to get my straight talk

somewheres else.No, Johnny, Johnny, hold --

We are losing him!

Uh, hold on. Uh, Lena Dunham is...

Is a werewolf....is a werewolf.

I'm listening.

Okay. Good.

Because she has three assistants whose sole job

it is to follow her around and --

and to shave her and shield her from the moon.

[ Laughs softly ]

Um...Susan Sarandon is a werewolf, too.

That's why she adopted that illegal -- to shave her.

And -- And Sarah Silverman! All of them!

They're all a bunch of feminazi,

lesbian werewolves coming for us!

I'll be sure to boycott their movies, then.

Yes, Johnny! Stay with us!

We are standing up for America!

We are back after this with more calls! Whoo!

How does any of what you just said further the initial plan?

♪♪

Well, we got another hour of calls.

Yeah, we're gonna take calls.

The Fiberal girly men and soy boys of Washington, DC,

want to convert the Jefferson Memorial

into a mosque,

and they want to paint his statue brown

and put breasts on it.

Is it true you were born in Kenya,

and are you a radical Muslim cleric?

Yes, on most counts.That's what I thought.

They are gonna put double-D breasts on Thomas Jefferson.

Thomas Jeffers-- Tonya Jefferson?

We are calling it "Hoagiegate."

Uh, we broke the story here first.

You know, I-- I'm lovers with George Soros.

Mm. We make sweet love.

You go into a Hoagie Hutch and order a "Hillary Special,"

what you will get is a three-foot party sub

stuffed with real human baby meat.

Pardon me for a second.

I feel like I'm transforming into a werewolf.

He is! Right before my very eyes!

[ Howling ]

Oh, my God! He's biting my neck!

Now, give me your jugular vein.

A liberal BLT -- baby, lettuce, and tomato.

And it's only white baby meat

so they can continue the white genocide -- Hey! Hey! Hey!

That's our sponsors!

Oh, uh, it says Wednesday's the half-price day

at Hoagie Hutch, uh, so you might --

might want to swing by and, uh, g-get a hoagie.

But don't eat baby meat.

'Cause it's -- it's all through their -- their subs.

'Cause it's -- Listen, I've had it with these people.

Hoagie Hutch is a sham.

[ Music plays ]They are -- They're --

They're putting young children --

young, fat, plump children...

♪♪

Whoo!

Damn, this feels good!

It's like I'm getting back to my roots, you know?

All the lies and deception. So great.

Ohh! Whoo!

And John Oliver did a big story last night.

It was comical, but it was harsh,

saying that the baby meat was just smoked turkey.

Here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna put real baby meat in the hoagies

and see what John Oliver says about that.

And I want to do the immigrant sex tunnel

to Bernie Sanders' house. Let's do that.

And I want Lena Dunham to be a wolf man.

You -- You mean a werewolf.

Wolf man. She has a wolf penis.

Do you not listen to my show?

God!

No, I don't. I do not.

[ Crying ]You want to be a sandwich?

Oh, I know you don't want to be a sandwich.

Nobody does.

[ Crying continues ]

Satan wanted baby meat --

thinly sliced or in chunks like a tuna salad sandwich.

I will kidnap Kyle,

and I will put Kyle on this sandwich,

but I will not thinly slice Kyle.

So, you just -- you're just gonna put fabric,

and people are gonna be eating a whole baby like that?

I'm not taking its clothes off.

I'm not Woody Allen.

Well, then, do you want to glue fur

and sew a dick on Lena Dunham?

I would love to meet her.

Guys, I'll sew a dick. I'll slice a baby.

Don't even think about touching it, okay?[ Cellphone rings ]

What?

The lava is rising, and we got no whips.

We're out of whips. I mean, can -- Hold on a minute.

Yes, can I -- Ohh!

I just got slapped by a Tortured!

It's a power vacuum!

You tell Satan he's got to get back down to hell, pronto!

Cut your [bleep] ears off! Ow, ow, ow!

We got to get his show cancelled.

[ Baby crying ]

You guys said you had some new ideas?

Take me to the next level? Benji, what do you got?

The Boy Scouts are now admitting girls.

War on masculinity. Okay, great.

What is Stan's stance on this?

Men should be able to hang out with other men.

Nude.

Without girls ruining the vibe.

Just like the nude ancient Greeks.

And maybe, like, a -- a man-boy love merit badge for...

I'm not connecting.

-Bill Frood the Science Dude. -Like him, yeah.

Why don't you debate him on live television

about global warming?

This -- This is good. Right. This is great. Yeah.

And then when you get him on camera,

you touch his dick and balls.

Or you reach around him and you start feeling on his butt,

and you say, "My property, my property."

[ Door opens ]What?

[ Door closes ]What was that?

Lena Dunham. Uh...

We should call security.

The rise in carbon in the atmosphere

correlates to rising sea levels, which is ve--

Oh, here we go.

And it's not, as you say,

God's punishment for transgenders in bathrooms.

I bet you don't think God and the devil exist, huh?

'Cause you hate religion.

No, I believe God and Satan don't exist

because there's no evidence for it.

Well, here's some evidence for ya, Bill.

Believe in Satan now?

[ Stammering ] Call somebody!

I'm assuming you did that with a d-digital effect.

Here's a digital effect for you, you son of a bitch.

[ People groan and gasp ]

I -- I went too far.

Did I go too far?

Yes. Oh.

Yes.

Jesus Christ.What, uh...

What's going on here?

Uh, it's civil war.

You left a power vacuum,

so marketing attacked social media.

Well, looks like Troy's got it all under control, huh?

Troy's head's on a stick! Where are you going?!

I'm having steaks with Hannity.

Think he's gonna give me a guest spot.

This TV thing, think it's gonna work out.

Have fun.

Don't they already know that you're Satan?

Apparently, it doesn't matter.