Original subtitles

[ Door opens ]

Sorry about the mud, bro. [ Unzips zipper ]

[ Chuckling ] No worries.

So, uh...

me and Johnny are gonna go rape us a donkey.

There might be room for one more, if you're interested.

Uh, no. No, thank you.

I find that quite repulsive.

Also, it's a sin, so even if I wanted to, which I don't --

You think you're so much better than us, don't you,

Goody Goody?! If you don't want

to be down here, why don't you file an appeal, you dumbass.

You're so good, I don't know why you're down here

in the first place.

[ Door opens, closes ]

Well, son of a B.

♪♪

It says you ate meat on a Friday.

-What? -Yeah.

I-I wouldn't do that. I'm a Catholic.

You know, it's not even a sin anymore.

That kind of makes you want to say "Goddamn it," doesn't it?

Goddamn it.

-Our Father, who art in -- -Oh, get the hell up.

Rest of your record's pretty clean, so...

I think we could put you in the judgment court.

Really?!

Oh, what do I need, a lawyer?

We're in hell, Iggy.

Can't throw a rock without hitting one.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, look...

some rocks.

Let's go get a lawyer.

Okay, I'm sick of this. Who's got my toe?

-Go ahead, give it a shot. -Okay, who's got my toe?

It's two inches long, it's red, it used to have a nail on it --

[ Thud ]

[ Distant scream ]

Oh, law rocks, law rocks, law rocks! Get!

Come on!

Run, you sons of bitches!

Hey, you better get out of here, fool! Law rocks!

[ Gasps ]

♪♪

[ Chuckles ]

Hey.

You want me on retainer,

you gotta get a little better aim, fatso!

Ow!

I hit a corporate attorney with 25 years

experience counter-suing cancer victims

for the tobacco companies, and you...

you hit Gary.

Oh, no.

I'm a lawyer now. [ Sighs ]

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit, Troy.

You must be as nervous as a long-tailed cat

in a room full of rocking chairs.

What, are you gonna cook us all some fried chicken?

All rise. Judge Satan presiding.

Sit down.

[ Clears throat ] Opening statements.

Gary, you're up.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

an angel walks amongst us here today.

He says his nightly prayers every night

before we dip him in battery acid.

Now, I guess the good Lord himself

must have heard those prayers, because I submit to you that

Goody Goody does not belong here.

Mm, not like you, ma'am.

For not only is it no longer a sin to eat meat on a Friday,

nor was it meat, nor did he eat it.

Nor was it a Friday.

Nor was the man even in the location of day in question!

No further questions!

Well, you're not asking questions.

This is opening statements.

Anybody can ask me a question. I'll answer questions.

Okay, Troy?

TGIF.

Thank God it's Friday, right?

Was God thankful when one of his beloved sons blasphemed him?

Now, we've all heard my less-than-esteemed colleague

talk in a hackneyed southern accent.

And in response to his argument...

where's the beef?

I'll tell you where the beef was.

In his mouth, down his gullet,

and in every inch of his digestive tract

on the Friday in question.

Thank you.

[ Murmuring ]

-I think he sucked. -All right.

[ Clears throat ] Gary.

I'd like to call Goody Goody to the stand.

Oh.

Now, Goody Goody, what was your profession

while you resided on the planet earth?

I was owner and manager of Q-Munion Barbecue.

Q-Munion Barbecue, the most awkwardly named

Catholic-themed barbecue restaurant in all of Texas.

-Yes, sir. -I'd like to submit

this next video as evidence to the court.

Footage of Goody at the back of his restaurant.

Now, would you walk me through this?

Ignatius: I'd spent the day serving food to the homeless.

Gary: And something like that's gotta make a man hungry.

Mm, just looking at that

'cue like a big, wet, brown butt.

Just want to put your face in it.

Now, why don't you just walk over there

and just take a hunk off of that beef and put it in your mouth?

Ignatius: Because it was 10 minutes after midnight,

Friday morning.

So what did you do with the meat?

Well, I loaded it up in my truck, and I drove west.

You were tired, you were hungry,

and you were distracted by the waves

of odor coming off that flesh,

just steaming that windshield, weren't you?

Yes, sir. The meat looked so good,

I guess I just took my eyes off the road.

[ Imitating tires squealing ]

Ooh. Well, why don't you just reach over,

and you could have had the barbecue then.

No.

I'm sure that Jesus would have forgiven you.

No. No, sir! I would never do that.

I grabbed as much of it as I could hold,

and I tried to run west.

And if it pleases the court,

I've got two fistfuls of pork from pork circle.

Mr. Goody Goody, would you say you ran something like this?

Objection! No one is questioning his ability

to run with meat in his hands!

I've got pork! Oh, I got pork, I got pork!

I will allow it. It is highly entertaining.

I got pork, I got pork! Three broken ribs.

He ran for three and a half miles across to Hudspeth County

with two hands filled with wet, saucy barbecue.

Now, I want you to freeze the frame here.

Let's freeze the tape of that. Freeze-frame.

Enhance, enhance, enhance.

Thank you. 12:57!

That's what I was saying -- after midnight on Friday.

Any man's mistake.

Hudspeth County is actually the only county in Texas

in the Mountain Time Zone.

Now, I'm a simple man.

People would say I'm a stupid man.

But it seems to me that

Goody ran from Central to Mountain.

So I submit to you...

it was not 12:57 on a Friday morning,

it was 11:57 on a Thursday evening.

No further questions. Yeah!

Whoo!

All y'all doubted me.

Troy: All right.

We're willing to cut you a deal.

He'll spend six months in purgatory,

but then he can go straight up to heaven.

Here's my counter.

My client goes straight to heaven,

I get a written apology from Satan,

and you eat my shit, Troy.

-We're out of here. -Okay, that's fine.

We'll give you -- We'll give you everything but the last part.

Oh, that's tougher than titties on a turtle, Troy,

because the window is closed on that deal.

No. Because, you see, he's giving us everything.

-I think I know what I'm doing. -I'll eat -- I'll eat one turd.

He's bluffing. Let's go!

[ Clears throat ] All that barbecue. Mm!

That was some good-looking 'cue.

All that barbecue.

Objection! Badgering my witness.

You got nothing, and you know it, Troy.

Satan: Overruled. Continue.

Typically, a restaurant will have meat and three.

Mm. Did you have any sides with it?

Objection! This is a fishing exhibition.

Collard greens are not on trial here.

The video shows you had beans, coleslaw, and a...

Wait, what the hell is that?

Is that a tube sock on the barbecue?

Sometimes I like to put tube socks on the meat

'cause it seals in the juices.

-That looks like a wristwatch. -Objection!

Objection, that is a meat thermometer.

Is that a meat thermometer?

Do turkey legs have fingernails?

-That's pretty messed up, man. -Right?

It's a person! He's a cannibal!

[ Murmuring, gavel bangs ]

[ Laughs ]

-Troy? -Oh.

Really good news.

I've been talking with my client,

and I think I got him to agree to take the deal, so...

You mean your client who testified

that he helped the homeless?

He helps the homeless all right, right into the oven.

He's making a hobo chorizo.

Oh, my God.

What if we do a thing where, uh,

he splits time between here and heaven?

I'm just trying to save some face.

Your client liked to save face, too -- in his freezer.

I will see you in court.

And I think that you will be very surprised

at how many tricks I have left up my sleeves.

I think we're all out of moves here.

God help me.

You're not a Goody Goody.

You're a Baddy Baddy.

I gotta go take a whiz.

Just make sure not to eat anybody

on the way to the bathroom!

That was a joke.

You couldn't get a napkin?

Big N' Wide: All rise.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sit down.

Where's my prosecutor?

[ Door opens ]I'm here!

I'm here.

[ Grunts ]

Your Honor...

I would like to drop all charges against Goody Goody.

What, he can't go to heaven -- he's a cannibal.

He has no business in heaven. I agree with Troy.

-I agree with you, Gary. -I'm agreeing with you.

-Shut up, Gary! Shut up! -Order. Order!

[ Clears throat ]

All rise.

You, too, Troy.

Come on. [ Laughs ]

There we go.

On the charge of eating meat on a Friday,

we find the defendant...

not guilty.

But on the charge of eating people on a Thursday,

yeah, he's definitely guilty.

Thank you.

Look, I don't want to legislate from the bench,

but the Bible simply does not mention cannibalism as a sin.

What?

But you're finding against the defendant?

Yes. We find the defendant guilty.

[ All gasping ]

[ Clears throat ] I'm sorry, I meant to say

that we find the defendant not guilty.

-Not guilty. -Not guilty.

-Not guilty. -Not guilty.

My bad.

What just happened?

My hands are tied here.

I have to find the defendant not guilty.

Why did we even do this?

[ Chuckles ] I gotta tell you again, I'm sorry,

I guess I misjudged you.

Yeah, you did.

Literally misjudged him.

Gary, thank you for everything.

No hard feelings.

Good luck up there, big guy.

Excuse me! I can't stop it!

-You got -- -Oh!

[ Bell dings ]

Uh, is this Ignatius?

-Yep. -All right.

You're doomed.