Original subtitles

Man: Brothers and sisters,

we are here to take the first step of our greatest journey,

our final journey.

So, raise your feet.

Raise them higher.

And now drink mightily from your glass.

Is this the poison wine?

Okay, you know something?

I wasn't gonna just blurt that out.

Is there a poison white wine?

Barbara, hush.

♪♪

[ All choking ]

♪♪

[ Farting ]

♪♪

[ People screaming ]

Aw, man, that's a big shipment coming in.

Ah, look, they all got the same robes, same stupid haircuts.

[ Giggles ]

We got a suicide cult!

[ All chanting "cult" ]

What is happening?

Do not fret, Steven's Barbara.

This is but a final tribulation.

Soon, the lacing will come and take us to Toetopia.

[ Snorts, chuckles ] Toetopia.

Gary, get 'em out of here.

Why do I always get the nutjobs?

Because you're the kooky one.

Oh, that's right. I got to get into antics.

Come on! Come on. Get in here.

Plenty of room. Ho!

Hey, what's going on, guys? Name's Gary Bonda.

I will be your torturer for the day and for the rest of forever.

Take a look at these.

Got these bad boys in from the Sudan.

Super-retro, right?

Hang by the sides of one that you want,

then I'll get over there, and I'll just

[imitates hammering] nail you right in.

Big dog, up top. Let's go!

You know. You've seen the pictures.

Let's go. Get on up.

Come on.All right. All right.

You got anything in your pockets that's gonna stick me?

I'm clean.Okay.

What the hell happened to your dang feet?

Well, we believe that the soul resides at the sole of the feet,

so we pierce them to free our spirits.

Your whole religion is based on a pun?

Gary! What?

Why haven't you crucified these idiots yet?

Because they got holes in their feet,

there's no place to nail 'em in.

So, just lop the feet off and nail the stumps.

Why do I have to think of everything?

[ Mockingly ] Why do you have to think of everything?

'Cause you're bad at your job.

You're bad at your job. You're a bad manager.

I need to be a good employee?

Need a good manager to be a good employee.

Just do it...please?

Thank you.

Now let's chop these feet off.

Oh, hold up. Hold up, Gary. Hold up.

Hold up, one moment. Do you often feel belittled

by people smaller than yourself?

Yeah.

How did you know that?

You must really be some kind of prophet.

Ah. I'd like to give you a personality test.

What do you say? Hmm?

Yeah, okay. Yeah, I guess. Yeah.

All right. Why don't you have a seat?

So organized.There you go.

Are you ready to begin?

Sure. Hey, man. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

I'm not really into people looking at my feet.

I need to see your feet in order to do the test.

It's all right. It's all right.

Oh, my. What are you, a size four?

I can't really take my shoes off in front of anybody,

because I get this reaction all the time

and people chase me around saying,

"Gary Toddler Feet. Burn him. Burn him."

No. No, Gary, they're perfect.

So hairless and dainty.

Shall we begin?

[ Machine whirring ]

This little piggy went to market,

this little piggy had roast beef,

and this little piggy cried wee, wee, wee,

all the way -- Holy shit!

In all the times that I've performed this test,

I've neverseen anything like this.

You only have like eight followers.

In the prophecy that I wrote,

it tells of a man of scant accomplishments

with the feet of a baby that will lead us to Toetopia.

Gary, I believe that you're the High Heel.

You are our savior, Gary.

Well, it is very nice, and I'm very flattered,

but that is very stupid.

What is that?

This?[ Squelch ]

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Satan: Gentlemen, we have managed to wrap bacon around

almost every other form of food.

Uh, the second item up --

Oh, hey, Gar.

[ Weird accent ] Please excuse me for my tardiness.

Hey, buddy, what's, uh --

How's it going with the wack-a-doos?

Ha, ha!

I don't know if I would go as far as call them wack-a-doos.

I do wish you would all address me as the High Heel.

Shoesus Christo, be with you.

Shoesus Christo be with you. You need him.

Okay, High Top, let's go. Time for a chat.

Someone seems to be curious about my serenity.

Get your ass over here!I'm so sorry.

I mean, you can call me Gary if you want,

Satan, or you can call me High Heel --

Just shut up! Gary. Look at you.

These people are not your friends, okay?

And you're nothing special.

I am the only one looking out for you.

Now, listen to me.

You look dumb.Is it the hair?

It's the hair. Okay?

So, let your hair grow back, cover up your tiny,

little toddler feet with your shoes,

and I promise I won't ever tell anyone

very much about this again.

Now, here, eat this.

Will this give me enlightenment?

No, I got it from Benji's asshole.

Oh. At least it's not Eddie's.

Right?

[ Both laughing ]

[ Hammering ]

Ah. The compound is coming along nicely, High Heel.

Satan called us wack-a-doos.No.

I do not know what that means.

Is that some form of movie-theater can-day?

Gary, I think you need some strength.

Steven, may the High Heel lie with your Barbara?

Sure.

You see, Gary? We're all a family.

We all share each other's Barbaras.

Oh, okay. If that is the case,

then I would rather choose to be with Kevin's Barbara.

No. I was planning to lie with Kevin's Barbara.

Isn't that right, Kev?

He needs his strength, dear.

Thank you, Kev.

Steven's Barbara is one of the original Barbaras,

and she'll be just fine for you.

No offense to the O.G. Barbara, but I'm the High Heel,

and I think I should be able to choose my Barbara.

No, Gary. You see, I'm the one that dictates

the apportionment of the Barbaras.

The Barbaras are not first come, first serve.

This is not some kind of roadside Barbara buffet.

See, it seems like it is that way for you,

and I am the High Heel,

so I'd like to choose which Barbara I'm with

and if not, I would like to see the Barbara rules

and see how the trickle-down works.

Sure. Sure. Yes, I understand. Oops, I've lost them.

All right, so, how about this?

How about you don't get any Barbara, if you'd prefer that?!

I guess I'm fine with this Barbara.There she is.

Is it wrong to say you look just like my Aunt Carol?

[ Normal voice ] Oh...having so much fun.

Oh, this is a great spot. This is a great spot.

So, when they say to you, uh, "You're gonna give me strength,"

does that mean that we're doing like full Lincoln Logging?

I am to drain you of your negativity.

Semen?

Is that what you mean?

Here we go.

Whoa! You're very strong.

I don't want to have sex with your feet.

[ Clang ]

[ Gasps ] Help! Help!

Help me! Help!

Relax! It's us!

We're here to deprogram you.

You really thought you'd be The Chosen One?

I could be chosen.

Nobody would ever choose you.

But that's okay, buddy. We still love you.

[ Electricity crackles ]

Aah![ Electricity crackling ]

Hey, how -- how do you cut it off, um...?

How did you turn it on?

Ohhh!

Do the opposite of that.[ Crackling stops ]

Okay, there it go.[ Sighs ]

That's the reason why we wrote these letters, man,

to tell you how much we care.

"Dear Gary, I don't even recognize the man you've become.

I miss my friend."

[ Electricity crackling ]

"Gary, I'm pissed off that you and your stupid friends

have taken over my cube. I miss my cube. Troy."

Turn it all the way up!

[ Electricity crackling ]I shit my pants!

"Dear Gary... you're my best friend.

Even though I always yelled at you and made fun of you,

I always really, truly looked up to you and, um...

just never had the strength to say."

[ Laughs ] I'm kidding.

I didn't write anything.

I think you're a big pile of shit.

You don't respect me.Claude: No.

You don't accept my beliefs.

That's because your beliefs are stupid.

Let me read from your scripture, "The Toely Footble."

"Adam and Barbarawere tempted by the evil sock,

so Shoesus cast them from The Garden of Feeten."

Yes, I know it is stupid on page,

but you should hear him sell it.

Do you know what this guy did before he ran a cult?

He was a bad '80s rap artist named M.C. Feets of Strength.

What?

♪ I like cute feet, yeah, I think they're neat ♪

♪ You know I like to smell 'em when I'm rubbin' my meat ♪

♪ When I suck on the toe of a fine-ass ho♪

♪ Man, it makes me wanna blow♪

♪ You know, I wish that feet had a hole ♪

♪ So I could give you my love straight to the soul ♪

♪ And I go for length♪

I thought that was pretty good.

I gave that man $55,000.

This guy has a foot fetish,

and he built a religion around it.

I cut these holes in my feet for nothing!

That's okay. Troy?

I went over to Hot Liquids

and got a little alloy that's gonna fix you right up.

I feel like maybe we could, like,

talk to a doctor or something

or maybe put, like, different kind of shoes on it.

-Here we go. -Okay.

You bitch! [ Screaming ]

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

You son-of-a-bitch! I know exactly who you are.

You tried to trick me, MC Feets of Strength!

Shh! Shh!Your real name!

Gary, let's take a walk together, shall we?

Just walk this way.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Maybe I'm having a hard time walking,

because you drilled holes in my feet

so you could [bleep] them!

All right, I made it all up, okay, man?

I started improvising a little bit,

next thing I know, I accidently started a religion!

I tried the music thing, but people just weren't into feet

as they were into giant, gross butts.

Number one, it was a bad rap. Number two, butts are not gross.

You are gross. Feet are gross.

But why did you have them kill themselves?

Three letters -- I.R.S., man.

They were after me -- up my ass for back taxes.

How did I fall for something so stupid?

I do not know that.

♪♪

♪ Hallelujah

The Lacing!

The Lacing is here!

♪♪

Holy shit. I was right.

Gary, I'm sorry.

I wish you could come with us,

but you -- you filled your holes.

Wait! Don't leave me!

I'm the High Heel!

♪ Hallelujah

Gary, your holes -- They're back.

[ Both laugh ]

I guess I am the High Heel!

♪♪

[ Laughs ] This is amazing.

Please, sit.Oh, no. No, you.

You, High Heel.

Me? Me? Please. Please.

I can't believe that the Toetopia bullshit

you said is real.

Yes, it truly is heaven.

Now, we can finally have sex with each other's feet

without judgement.

Well, that is my least favorite part of it.

Wish you had asked my permission.

[ Moaning]

Amazing job on Toetopia, sir.

Cue the diarrhea.

[ Rumbling ]

I knew it!

[ All screaming ]

Finish! Finish, already!

All: Oh![ Laughter ]