Original subtitles

I don't want to play a boring old board game.

I'd rather text my friends.

Announcer: Now you can do both with OMGouija!

Text with actual dead people.

♪ Smiley face, smiley poo

♪ The dead are BFFs with you

Ghosts are so cool. LOL.

Grandma! TMI.

I didn't do it! [ Laughs ]

OMGouija. By Beezel Brothers.

Great, right? It's great?

Eggplant means penis. [ Laughs ]

I can't believe that got through.

Old people having a sex life is funny.

Yeah, we're not talking about old people, Gary.

We are talking about today's youth.

Kids today like to communicate using "emojis," IMHO.

Yes, sir. You know, there is nothing cooler

than taking an old board game

and cynically slapping on a bunch of trendy shit.

Glad you feel that way, Troy, because starting tonight,

you are all on OMGouija duty.

[ All groan ]

Oh, and I'm not J.K.!

I am serious as...A.F.

♪♪

All right, look alive, people. Look alive.

It's Saturday night. Listen up. We've got slumber parties --

a lot of teenage girls calling in.

Oh, and the church lock-ins --

always gonna get a lot of Ouija out of that.

I'm so psyched for this! Let's go!

Whoo![ Door slams ]

Why do they call it texting

when it's a bunch of faces and fruits?

What they ought to call it is fruiting!

Yeah, well, times have changed.

They sure have.

Chinamen used to work on the railroad.

They weren't laughing then.

Look at 'em now, running the world.

Hey, Amy.

I got you this neat game.

it's Oomoojy. You can text ghosts with it.

Man: And then maybe after that,

you could talk to some living people.

When I was your age,

I'd grab a couple pals and we'd get spooky.

Maybe you can call some friends...

make it a sleepover!

♪♪

Guys. Guys, it's moving!

Somebody is talking to me. I'm not doing that.

[ Fart ]

What kind of polluted mind

would communicate a face on excrement?

R...U...Dead?

Oh dip! Okay. Okay.

[ Grunts ]

[ Panting ] Yes. Smiley face with his tongue out. LOL.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Stifled laugh ]

Damn.

[ Gasps ] It's a lady.

She's at a big party. What do I do?

Dude, she sent me a kissy face.

Damn, son, she wants you. Tell her to send a pic.

Send her the angry Chinaman.

Let her know you mean business.

Which fruit denotes wealth?

Grapes. I'm gonna send her a kissy face.

♪ I summon you by the moonlight ♪

♪ You're the one for me

♪♪

♪♪

Thumbs up on summoning.

Aah!

[ Thunder crashes and electricity crackling ]

Greetings! [ Laughs evilly ]

Oh, man.

You're supposed to be 21 years old.

You said you were 21 years old.

Okay, well, you were supposed to be a hunk

with chiseled good looks.

I am, and I do have that.

But one of these lies puts one of us in jail.

Where are your friends?

I thought there was going to be like a party in here.

The box says for four to six players, not just one.

I don't really have any friends, I guess.

Well, what about that boyfriend, Cody,

that you kept throwing in my face?

He thinks I'm a...weirdo, like everyone else does.

No, you're not weird.

You're just... incredibly unpopular.

If you listen to me,

I can make you the most popular girl in the school.

Wait, really? Yeah.

How?

♪♪

Yeah.

Excuse me. I won that on eBay.

♪♪

[ Grunting, Chuckles ] Give it up.

Sorry if I got glass in your chili there.

I will fill up them bowls courtesy of...The Fatone.

♪♪

Are you serious right now?

Could you be any more obvious, staring at Cody like that?

[ Sputtering ] Uhh...

What a loser.

No one likes you, Lame-y.

Hey, don't call her Lame-y.

[ Gasps ] Oh, my God.

Are you Joey Fatone from N'Sync?

[ Laughs ] Yeah, you're goddamn right I am.

That's right. Joey Fatone.

Right here in this picture. That's me. Purple tips.

And I know Justin Timberlake, too.

Hey, Amy.

♪♪

Girl, I feel like such a fool.

You know what I'm saying?

♪ I went and fell in love

♪ With the most popular girl in school, yeah ♪

♪ But, Amy, when we made love on the kitchen floor ♪

♪ You had me --

Joey Fatone, famous singer from N'Sync.

♪ Screaming for mooore

♪ We made love one time

♪ Two times

♪ Baby you can bet the farm

♪ That third time, ooh

♪ Was a charm

[ Click, music stops ]

What are you doing?Come with me, please.

I'm Joey Fatone. I'm from N'Sync.

I'm Joey Fatone from N'Sync!

I made love to this little girl!

Wow. Amy's boyfriend's like 50 years old.

And she had sex with him.Oh, gross.

Slut! Slut! Slut!

[ All chanting "slut" ][ Crying ]

No. No. No. No.You ruined everything!

No, boys love sluts! It's good!

Choose your sexuality! Own your sexuality!

[ Laughter ]

[ Crying ]

Okay, so, we had a slight setback, but we could --

Leave me alone!Amy, come on.

I wish I'd never even met you, Gary. Leave!

[ Gags, coughs ]

♪♪

[ Crying ]

[ Beeps ]

♪♪

Look, I didn't have sex with any underage girl.

I wasn't even in Oklahoma on the day in the question.

I made a promise to Amy to help her get more popular,

but, instead, Amy is miserable,

and I got Joey Fatone arrested for statutoryrape --

not even real rape!

Been there. The middle-school years are so awkward.

That's why I like my boys... "elementary, dear Watson."

[ Laughing ]

He turns everything back to that.

I've got it.

Instead of making Amy more popular,

we make everybody else less popular.

Yeah, 'cause you're way better at that.

Thank you.

Not really a compliment, but okay.

I'm taking it as a compliment.

Honey, do you want to talk about Joey Fatone?

Mom, I don't even know who he is.

Because he can go straight to hell.

Roger, please.

Are you sure you don't want to go to the big dance tonight?

Not with Joey Fatone, she won't.

Boom! Amy O'Ryan, you're under arrest.

We found the drugs. You in trouble.

Now hold on here! Do you have a warrant?

Here's my warrant.[ Spray hisses ]

[ Screaming ]

Now, get up against the wall and spread 'em, you...parents.

[ Man sobbing ]Come on. Come on.

Ow. You're hurting me!

Don't struggle.

You don't want to mess up your hair for the, uh...

big dance.Gary!

I told you to leave me alone.

Yeah, but now I'm making up for it.

I don't even have a date.

Oh, yes, you do.

[ Muffled screaming ]

You excited to see Amy?

♪♪

Amy?

Oh, Miranda, I didn't see you there.

How did you get Cody to be your date?

At gunpoint?[ Laughter ]

What are you looking at, you fat, bloated assface?

I was just thinking you're breaking out.

You might want to pop that.

[ Crackling ]

Oh, my...gosh.

Attention! Excuse me, ma'am.

Attention, everyone.

As a lawful police officer, it is my lawful duty

to name the king and queen of the prom.

Your king and queen are... Cody Moore and Amy O'Ryan!

Congratulations, kids.

I am so jealous of you right now.

And you are a dreamboat.

A little old for my taste. Go get her.

[ Blows gently ]

♪♪

[ Crackling ]

What is happening?

[ Scoffs ] I'm so sorry.

Please don't kill me.

Now, as a police officer,

I order the king and queen to kiss each other.

♪♪

She's a witch! She's a witch, and we all know it!

[ Coughing, retches ]

♪♪

[ Girl screams ]

♪♪

What did you do?!

I'm giving them all the plague. This app is great.

What's wrong with zits? You're blowing this!

I'm not the one who made them fly up in the sky!

Like that's not a red flag?!

I don't know when they're gonna come down.

[ Siren wails ]She's a witch!

Get her away from me! She's a murderer!

He's damaged.

What the hell do I tell her now?

I mean, well, technically,

she is the most popular girl in school.

That's because all the other girls are dead!

Benji: Look! She made a friend.

Oh, she's popular with the Goths!

That is every unpopular kid's plan "B."

I did it!

Hey, what's going on? I hate to interrupt.

Hail Satan. Looks like my work here is done.

I'll see you soon, BFF.

Best friend forever!

Okay.

Too cool to acknowledge my existence.

That's cool. Too cool to acknowledge me.

Fine.

So, in the fourth quarter --

[ Loudly clears throat ]

Bagged and tagged her.

Another soul for Satan's army, if it does please thee?

Hail him. [ Chuckles ]

Great, Gary. I'm sure you got her parents' permission?

What?

Gary, in order for a minor to sell their soul,

they need written parental permission...What?!

...but I'm sure you knew that.

You asked us -- You asked us to go for tweens!

What parent is gonna damn their child to eternal damnation?!

I don't -- I'm just asking for some consistency!

It's okay because I owe Gary a debt of gratitude,

because he has brought me some new demons

that are masters at psychological torture.

Come on in, girls!

God, this office is sooutdated.

You can't afford new furniture?

[ Laughs ]Wow. Nice glasses.

Did your mom get those from the trash can

that you were born in?[ Gasps ]

Serial killer.

Did you eat your hair?

Hey, Gollum, you ever find the ring?

Look, it's Edward Stupidhands. Johnny Derp.

Wow, you must be Grumpy Cat's grandfather.

You're not even worth insulting.

You're like an unfunny Jim Gaffigan.

Okay, that's not -- that's not funny.

You're like uh...an unfamous, poor man's Seth Rogen.

I don't, I -- That is not funny.

That is below the belt. And that's inappropriate.

-Zach Gala-fatass. -I feel like this should stop.