Original subtitles

Benji: You wanna talk the greatest of all time?

The fifth "Land Before Time"... [ Clanging ]

...was the quintessential "Land Before Time."

You're being an asshole, all right?

It's the third film.

Oh, everyone says the third. No, it's the third --

Yeah, 'cause it's got the raptors in it,

and the pterodactyl in it has got kinda nice breasts.

I'm just saying I've seen hundreds of kids' movies.

I have sat through hours. You don't even watch the movies.

You're just sitting there --

you're just staring at kids' butts.

Sometimes they're ugly,

and you've gotta sit through the whole film

and wait for the next batch to come in.

You know, my mom used to

drop me off at the theater by myself all the time,

and I'm just really glad that I never ran into you.

Wait a minute. Where did you grow up?

'Cause I was crazy about redheads.

Nah. I would've remembered that.

Maybe you blocked it out.

The mind is very incredible

when it comes to erasing traumatic memories.

Ask anyone I've ever made love to.

Hey, Abbot and Fat Stella,

quit grab-assing and get back to work!

I can only gut the souls

that are in front of me, Mr. Boss Man.

So, rather than get a supervisor,

you just shoot the shit for three hours?

Well, he's got a movie blog.

I know he has a movie blog.

You're right about "Land Before Time 5." [ Scoffs ]

Excellent flick. [ Pipe clangs ]

Must be a blockage.

Oh, God.

Must be a couple of

660-pound Learning Channel fatties

just gumming up the works.

**

Whee-hee-hee!

Welp, there's your problem right there.

[ People screaming ] Claude: Yeah, obviously.

There's a huge beaver dam blocking the river Styx.

[ Munching ] Oh, look at that. That's so cute.

They got, like, a little community.

Just grab the dynamite. Let's blow this shit up.

Yeah, let's annihilate 'em.

Wait! I need those beavers!

We must not hurt the beavers!

What do you give a shit about beavers, Dr. Mengele?

Gary!

Look at this rag!

Well, I can't really see it 'cause it's all --

Down, down.

**

[ Exhales sharply ]

What have you done to me?!

Dr. Mengele: Don't worry.

What have you done to me?! Everything's fine!

I just sewed your head onto a beaver body.

Oh, my God!

Ohh!

What did you do to Claude, my best friend?

What did you do? Nothing. I'm fine.

I know not to look at a rag

when a Nazi shoves it in my face.

You look sweaty, Claude.

You sure you wouldn't like to take a shower?

I have a shower. For the last time, Dr. Mengele,

I'm not interested and I never will be.

Oh, don't be like that. It feels so good.

You sure you wouldn't like -- Not interested.

Oh, give it a go! No, thank you.

It has one of those pulsating massage-heads.

You're being very polite about it, but no.

The water is refreshing! No, it's not.

You'll love it! Thank, but no, thank you.

You're welcome, but please. No!

I want a shower. You're not allowed to take a shower.

Because I'm just spraying you

with some some very potent beaver pheromones.

That's beaver piss.

Now, I want you to run into the beaver dam

and shake it around a little bit,

you know, the way the beavers like it.

No. No.

And then you'll run out of there

on your little beaver legs

and you lure them into these cages.

I hate to break it to you, Dr. Mengele,

but nobody's gonna want to have sex with that.

Not even an animal.

I'm sick of your criticisms, Claude.

Benji said if I was 20 years younger,

he'd have no problems molesting me.

All right?

So put me in, coach.

[ Grunts ]

**

You have to at least admit

that Spielberg's a great director.

Who?

Oh, God! They're following me!

[ Beavers chattering ] Oh, God!

No! Help! Help!

Oh, my God, no!

No! No! No!

**

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Dr. Mengele?

Are you cloning Hitler? What?

No. [ Laughs ] Gary: Oh, they've got duck penises!

You're crazy!

Just because I'm German,

everything's Hitler, Hitler, Hitler!

That's very hurtful.

You're wearing the armband!

That is heritage,

not hate. [ Gary groaning in distance ]

Look, everyone loves

pure adrenaline thrill rides.

Why not pure race of men?

Eh.

People are so PC these days.

Hitler wasn't like that.

He would speak his mind.

He was a great man.

He deserves to be cloned!

But I'm definitely not trying to clone Hitler.

[ Gasping ]

Heil Hitler!

I knew it! You're cloning Hitler!

No, no, no, no, no.

Why would Hitler heil himself?

[ Chuckles ]

I'm going to give you a t-shirt.

I know you people love free, gaudy trinkets.

"The fourth reich, reich back at 'cha."

You would be required to wear that

if we were ever to take over Hell,

which we are definitely not doing. Definitely not doing. Right. Okay.

I'm gonna get, and um...

I actually left my fiddler on the roof.

So, adios! Have a good one.

Auf Wiedersehen!

What the --

**

Dr. Mengele: Be sure to tell your Satan

we are not cloning Hitler

to take over Hell with a giant robot.

Okay, well, good luck not cloning Hitler.

Mengele is cloning Hitler.

Oh, cool. That should be fun.

He told me to tell you

that he has no interest in invading Hell,

which is exactly what they told Poland

and Czechoslovakia and Russia.

So you've come to Satan to stop a genocide?

When you put it that way, it sounds silly.

Hey, uh, where is my body?

'Cause I don't want to eat any more wood,

and I don't want to be forcibly group sexed

by animals anymore.

But how will you lead the army of Aryan beavers

in the overthrow of Hell?

Well, that's something I'm not gonna do,

because that is something that we did not discuss.

It -- it may have escaped.

Because I attached the beaver's head to your body.

You'll just sew any two goddamn things together, won't you?!

[ Gnawing in background ] Gary, give me back my three-hole punch!

Oh!

[ Roaring ] Holy!

Okay! You can just --

You -- no! You can add it to your home!

Dr. Mengele: Mein Fuhrer? [ Hitler clone shouting indiscriminately ]

Would you like to make a rousing speech

to inspire our loyalists

to rise up against the demon oppressors?

Yeah.

[ Grunting ]

[ Feedback over P.A. ]

No, no, no. You -- you talk into it.

[ Laughs ] I'm no history buff,

but Hitler's only supposed to have two arms.

I had some leftovers.

[ Rubbing ] I gave him 10 testicles.

Gary: Nice.

Stop playing with your testicles!

Heil Hitler!

That is it! Stop that now!

Because you will pilot the Schaden-Fuhrer!

[ "Ride Of The Valkyries" plays ]

Heil Hitler! You're walking into the lava!

[ Splash ]

Gary: Hey, hey, Dr. Mengele,

maybe you should be piloting the Schaden-fuhrer.

That's a good idea!

Here, take a sippy, let daddy steer.

[ "Ride Of The Valkyries" resumes ]

[ All screaming ]

Hitler Clone: Heil Hitler!

Dr. Mengele: No, you say "Sieg Heil!"

I say "Heil Hitler!"

Heil Hitler!

[ Schaden-Fuhrer hissing ]

Hello, Satan.

Doc. Gary.

I'm not part of this shit.

We've come for your surrender.

Here are our terms.

Okay.

Uh...

"Bow down to the Fuhrer."

Is... Is -- is that it?

Yeah, and I -- I'd also like, uh,

some of those porno discs

where the woman takes the dump on the man.

Yeah, we got some of those. Hitler Clone: [ In distance ] Yay!

Is -- is -- is that the Fuhrer?

No!

Don't play with your buckles, my --

This goofy shit's been going on all afternoon.

No, no. Stay right where you are.

It's too high! No, Hitler!

Aah!

No!!

[ Indiscriminate muttering ]

Right into the acid fountain.

I just had that put in last week.

Dr. Mengele: [ Crying ] [ Grunts ] Oh, well.

[ Crying ]

Buddy, you don't gotta cry!

You got the arm. We can clone another Hitler.

I don't know why you keep cloning Hitler anyway.

You know he's here.

What do -- what do you mean?

Adolf Hitler is here.

That's impossible.

He would've reached out to me.

We were good friends!

Really?

Josef?

Mein Fuhrer!

No, Josef.

I am no longer that man.

I changed my name.

To Cody St. Clair.

It's an anagram for Adolf Hitler.

No, it's not. I'm rebranding myself.

You probably could start with shaving the mustache.

I mean, that's where I would start.

But I've been building the Fourth Reich in your name!

What about the --? No, I know.

I moved on, Josef. People change.

When they pour fire ants up your dickhole for 70 years,

you have time to reflect.

I learned that we have to love one another,

because -- [ Gunshot ]

[ Gunshot, bullet whizzing ]

Claude! I think he's trying to save me.

Claude! Claude, I'm okay!

Gary" We're safe!

[ Glass shatters ] Claude! Stop shooting!

I'm telling him I'm okay and there's still bullets.

[ Grunts ] Transform into Beaver-Man!

Go, Gary, go!

Transform!

This is not working.

Uh let's see, next item of business here.

Ah, yes. I am promoting Beaver-Headed-Gary-Body

to Senior Vice President in charge of splinters,

so you'll be reporting to him directly,

Gary-Headed-Beaver-Body.

He's not management material!

He just stacks shit all day!

He doesn't talk back.

He's chewing the damn table!

[ Door opens ] Knock knock!

Doc! [ Laughs ] [ Laughs ]

I just wanted to apologize again

for cloning Hitler

and putting him inside a giant Aryan robot

and trying to take over Hell.

[ Both laughing ]

So, I made some gifts as a kind of apology!

There's a candle, made from tallow --

not Jewish tallow, random tallow!

And there's some soap for the shower.

[ Laughs ]

This is wonderful.

Totally uncalled for,

but yeah, yeah. Shalom!

[ Chuckling ] He's crazy!

I never noticed the shower heads

in the ceiling before...

[ Pipes hissing ]

[ Coughing ]

Ah! [ Grunts ]

Oh, the doors locked.

**

Is that your clone?

Satan. Satan!

Yes...

Whatchu talkin' about, Mengele?