Original subtitles

Prisoner: Yo, Sheik.

Shriek.

Shrek. [ Laughing ]

It's Dustin Diamond, man.

I'm bored, Squeak.

Hey, won't you do squeak out one of them funny TV jokes

like you used to do back in the day, Squeak?

All right, I got a funny joke for you.

I get tomorrow, and you've got six more years

for selling weed.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Scoffs ]

You're not gonna get saved by the bell this time, Squeak.

[ Stabbing ]

Aaah!

It's Screech.

Go to hell!

Hello?

Dad!

[ Canned studio cheers and applause ] Dad?

No, kid, I'm...

Wait, what the hell? You're home!

Check it out!

[ Canned studio laughter ]

Guess who spent their lemonade stand money

on a used drum set?

I have no idea. I don't even know who you two people are.

Whoa, ha.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hey, Levi, I think I know the name of that song.

I think it's called "Noise Complaint."

See, Levi? You're disrupting the whole neighborhood.

Let Mama show you how it's done.

Ooh, wa-ah-ah-ah!

I can't believe you allowed Levi to get a drum set!

Hey, what the [bleep] is going on here?

Why can't I say [bleep]?

It's network standards.

Ain't it a [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]?

[Bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]

[ Laughter, applause ]

Okay, listen.

Don't freak out. You're in Hell.

What? Yeah.

Why?

For a lot of reasons that I think that you know.

[ Laughter ] Satan's a huge fan, though,

and he wants you to reprise your most popular role

as loveable goofball, Squeak.

You are aware that it's Screech, though, right?

Listen to me, all right.

It's Squeak, because Satan thinks that it's Squeak,

so it's Squeak from now on, all right?

I never want to hear the word "Screech" ever again.

I'm in a sitcom?

[ Cheesy sitcom music plays ]

Whoa!

[ Cheers and applause ]

There you are!

We have to hurry, or we're going to be late for league night.

Um, why is it snowing inside the house?

Honey, remember when you said, "It'll be a cold day in Hell"

before you let anyone touch your prize bowling ball?

I've never said that.

Get in here, Levi!

Papa, it's stuck.

[ Gasping ]

-[ Laughing ] -Wow, I hacky sitcom star

being forced to star in a hacky sitcom in Hell

for all of eternity?

Pretty genius, sir.

Hacky?

Uh, no, it's funny, funny.

Razzleberries!

[ Laughter ]

Why the hell did I just say that?

Oh, "Razzleberries" better not be my catch phrase.

Razzleberries!

Oh, come on, I'm being forced to say it!

[ Laughing ] Razzleberries!

See, that -- that's gonna be the next "Dyno-mite," you know?

What is that?

Well, that's a -- that's a catch phrase, Claude.

You know, like, "Hey, sit on it, Potsie."

"Nanu nanu"?

"Dee plane, dee plane"?

"Jane, you ignorant slut, you"?

Uh, "Yeah, that's the ticket"?

"No soup for you"? I don't get

any of those references, but I was referring to that.

I want catch phrase. Razzleberries!

Boob farts!

[ Laughter ] Razzleberries!

Boob farts!

Oh, [bleep]

Razzleberries! Boob farts!

[ Cheesy sitcom music plays ] [ Bowling pins fall ]

It's your turn, Squeak.

[ Glass shatters ] What are you doing?

Trying to kill myself.

[ Laughter ]

Judging by his bowling game, I don't blame him.

[ Waa -- waa ]

Seriously, though, you can't kill yourself.

We've all tried thousands of times.

Are you serious?

Tens of thousands of times. Come on, man.

I spent my entire life trying to distance myself from Screech.

Good, that's good, that's good. Because if you enjoy it,

it's not a torture and Satan will end it.

So you got to hate it, but then you got to like, enjoy it.

Like life on Earth.

[ Laughter ]

Boy, you're up. Come on. Make your papa proud.

All right, all right, the guys are watching.

Just like I showed you, get in there.

[ Laughter ]

[ Thud, pins falling ]

Levi, you're killing me! What's going on, son?

[ Laughter ] [ Groans ]

Sorry, Dad, I slipped on the ice.

Spare me the sob story, you turkey!

And don't eat that yellow snow! [ Laughs ]

See, you're getting it.

Spare and turkey are dumb [bleep] bowling terms.

And the snow part, right?

That was kind of putting a hat on a hat.

[ Laughter ]

Diarrhea Lagoon is a sheet of ice.

Hell is literally freezing over.

All because of that one line of dialogue?

Seems like a pretty thin B-story, Satan.

It's not a B-story, Claude, okay?

What writer would think of something so dumb?

The magic I used to create the sitcom

is spreading like a virus, and if I can't stop it,

Hell could become a frozen tundra.

Hey, Satan! This hot poker ain't hot anymore.

[ Laughter ]

All right, well then, just stick it on your tongue.

Yeah, but it's already been up my ass.

I know exactly where it's been, Eddie.

[ Audience "Ooh"s ]

[ Laughter ] Razzleberries!

Aaaah!

[ Laughter ]

Knock it off!

[ Cheesy sitcom music plays ]

[ Cheers and applause ] Whoo!

Boob farts.

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

[ Cheers and applause ]

I think I found something here.

In order to reverse the spell and get the snow to stop,

I need the eyes of a small child.

Oh, that's it?

I thought you were gonna ask for something ridiculous.

[ Laughter ]

Where are we gonna find a child in Hell?

This child falsely accused a priest of rape.

That -- that's not even a joke.

That actually happened.

I don't think an eyeless child's

gonna play very well with our audience.

It's a bit of a downer, am I right?

You know what's even more of a downer?

Being frozen in Hell for all eternity.

Now, you get out there and you go find this kid

and rip his eyes out and bring them back to me!

I can't take much more of this.

All right. Boob farts.

Oh!

[ Cheesy sitcom music plays ]

Can we please do something about the temperature in here?

We actually can, you know.

In order to reverse the spell and to keep Hell

from freezing over... Okay.

...all you need to do is stab your son's eyes out.

[ Laughter ] Wait, what?

No. No!

I'm sorry, I just don't see Squeak doing that.

Really? This is weird, because from my recollection,

you stabbed somebody in real life, Dustin!

Look, I had a knife, yes, but it was for defense.

Some guy tried to choke me and nicked his arm.

It was a big to-do.

The media just loves to spin that whole

"child star gone bad" angle.

That's why this show is so important.

It gives me a chance to rehabilitate my image.

[ Cheers and applause ] Wait.

So, none of this is a torture for you?

I'm acting, Gary.

Hello, I'm an actor!

[ Laughs ] Ta-da!

Fine, I'll stab the boy's eyes out.

[ Audience "Ooh"s ]

It's my job!

[ Cheesy sitcom music plays ]

Thirsty blind drummer, looking for sour refreshment.

You're a drummer, too?

Who's there? Who's there?

My name's Levi! This is my lemonade stand.

Yeah! I'd love to have some lemonade! Wow!

[ Laughter ]

Business has kind of cooled down.

It's cool to be blind!

Because if I wasn't blind,

I wouldn't of been the world's best drummer.

Want to see?

Oh, yes.

* Bim-bim-bim-bim-bim-bim

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah!

Yeah, rock and roll, yeah!

I'm a drummer, too.

Are you, now?

Do you want to take a look at my magical drumsticks?

[ Audience gasping ]

Wow, those sure are weird drumsticks, mister!

[ Voice breaking ] You just keep your eyes open

real wide so you can get a good look at them, okay?

Aaaaah!

[ Audience gasping ]

[ Cheesy sitcom music plays ]

Booby farts!

Booby farts!

All right.

Here are your eyeballs.

[ Audience groans ]

I feel terrible about myself.

I always wanted to see life through the eyes of a child,

but this is ridiculous.

Yeah, sorry, buddy.

After this whole child-eye thing,

your character's just not testing well with audiences.

I got like, 15 seasons left me.

"He was funnier when he was fatter."

Well, write a scene where I'm handling a puppy!

Where I save a puppy from a bunch of snakes!

What is that?

[ Laughter ]

Well, I'll be damned.

It's a thermostat.

Somebody must have nudged it.

[ Laughing ] Snow is stopping.

[ Laughter ]

Boy, is our electrical bill gonna go through the roof.

[ Laughter ]

Take these and go.

[ Applause ] The eyes have it!

[ Laughter ] That was funny.

I guess Eye'll be going.

[ Booing ]

That was funny.

[ Booing continues ]

[ Cheesy sitcom music plays ]

[ Cheers and applause ] Oh, thank you, thank you.

I mean it.

Hey! Oh, let's hear it for him!

That's the man with the plan.

Hey!

I just wanted to tell you I really, really love

the direction the show is going.

Thank you. And I've decided

to green light it for a thousand seasons.

[ Cheers and applause ] A thousand seasons?

Together: Razzleberries!

[ Cheesy sitcom music plays ]

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, I'm kidding. It's cancelled.

[ Sizzling ]

[ Laughter, applause ]

Look at this. All right, ready?

Hey, buddy.

How's it hanging? [ Laughs ]

Dizzay: Is that your penis on his forehead?

Yeah, to scale. Oh.

I'm gonna get some markers. We're gonna add some shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Just enough to get us

in trouble. -Hey, grab me one!