Original subtitles

Anti-depressants, anti-bullying,

the acceptance of diversity,

people staring at their phones instead of realizing how meaningless life is --

Suicides are way down, gentlemen, and now...this.

You know who this is?

Yes.

Who is it?

I don't know. Dr. Paul Nickgibbion.

Oh, is that that weird assisted-suicide guy?

Ohh, yeah, the guy is so metal!

Yeah, but that son of a bitch hasn't sent me any suicide in months.

Well, maybe they're just angels up in sweet, sweet Heaven.

Gary, suicide is a sin.

How have you been down here this long and you don't know that?

Here. -Okay.

All right, you can boil a child

in a bucket full of breast milk.

Yeah, that's a sin, of course.

But you can't wear polyester?

We're covered in polyester. That's why.

Listen, I want you two to go topside.

Find this Nickgibbion, all right?

I want that suicide train running again. You got it. You got it.

Tell me -- Um, can we use the corporate card for this?

-Yeah, knock yourselves out. -Yes!

Um, thing about the corporate account --

Do you remember how you spent that week sort of, like,

exploding my bottom with a bunch of lightning bolts and then it set my pants on fire

and then you rip off my pants and then you shove 'em up my ass...

Yeah, I remember that. Mm-hmm. ...and then you set me on fire?

My wallet was in those pants, and so my card got demagnetized. Uh-huh.

So, can I get some petty cash for that, or can I... [ Door hinges creak ]

I don't have money!

**

Thank you for coming.

I'm just happy to know I can get to see

each of you one more time

before I join my maker...

[ voice breaking ] up in Heaven. [sniffles]

Ohh. E-Excuse me.

Can I? Thank you.

Thank you. Yeah, just for a second.

Would you mind, like, uh,

spreading this out on the chair there?

Don't mind me, just -- Y-You can keep on going

with your poetry and your final goodbyes.

I just got to spread this out.

Dr. Nickgibbion: Hello!

Who are these two handsome devils?

Hey. I'm Claude. I e-mailed you. Mm.

Shouldn't you be inside working?

Ahh, watch. Watch.

All is taken care of.

You know, I was supposed to be injected with sodium pentothal.

[ Thud, bang ]

But I told Dr. Nickgibbion I was deathly afraid of needles.

[ Chuckles ] [ Crashing, banging ]

Please, stop banging those pots, cooking --

whatever you're doing!

[ Loud bang, crash ]

Aah!

[ All screaming ]

Robot: Our Father, who art in Heaven,

hallowed be Thy name. [ Screaming continues ]

Thy kingdom come. Both: Ohh!

Thy will be done on Earth, as it is in Heaven.

Gary: It's just mashing him up!

Give us this day our daily bread. Run! Get out of there!

And forgive us our trespasses.

There's, like, six more people left in there.

Holy shit! He's using the claw-end of the hammers now!

[ Screams ] And lead us not into temptation...

Run! You got to get out of there! ...but deliver from evil --

for thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory

forever and ever.

Amen.

Claude: What's he spraying? Is that acid?

Dr. Nickgibbion: Holy water -- Hammerman is Episcoplalian.

Oh, my God, he's coming this way.

He's coming this way! [ Door opens ]

There, there.

He is in a better place. Praise Jesus.

Very dignified ceremony, Hammerman.

Now, you go evade the cops.

I'll see you back at the office, okay?

Dr. Nickgibbion: Go, go, go. Go, go, go, go, go!

Dr. Nickgibbion: Yeah, Hammerman murders, so it's not a suicide.

They can go the Heaven, their suffering is over --

Everybody wins.

Satan wants you to get back to the assisted suicides.

I mean, what was so bad

about the injections with drain cleaner?

Hammerman can't work a hypodermic.

Have you seen his hammer hands?

[ Romantic music plays ]

Hi. [ Music stops ]

I like your hat.

Thank you. [ Chuckles nervously ]

Who are you, sir? Dude? Bro?

Gary: Yeah, you, leather jacket,

time for you to see the doctor.

You don't look good, man.

Nice tubes. Man: Yeah, they keep me alive.

Right this way.

Unh! [ Thump ]

Ooh! I'm sorry! [ Groans ] All right, get up.

You're gonna be fine, all right? [ Gasping ]

You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be fine.

[ Gasps, groans ]

[ Sighs ] Sorry, buddy.

[ Gasping ]

[ Romantic music plays ]

Oh, no. Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh!

I'm so sorry. I should be more careful with needles.

[ Laughs ]

I'm so clumsy. It's fine. [ Laughs ]

Uh, nice to meet you. I'm Gary.

Hi. I'm Jenny. [ Laughs ]

Man: He stole my nose tube! [ Gasping ]

[ Imitates cough ]

[ Wheezing ] [ Loudly imitates coughing ]

Sorry, just not feeling very good today. Ohh.

Guess we're a couple of cancer twins. [ Both laugh ]

[ Gasping, pounding floor ]

I'm just glad that they found a way to end our suffering.

And it's not a sin.

So, yay! [ Chuckles ]

[ Ominous tones play ] You didn't read page seven. Hm?

"Death by Episcopalian Hammer Robot"?

It just starts snapping your bones

and mashing your brains and just going,

[ Imitates hammers thudding ]

Dr. Nickgibbion: I gave him free will,

and he's chosen to become obsessed with me.

Did you happen to give him an "off" switch? [ Chuckles ]

Why don't you and I go to bed and talk about it, huh?

Yeah? Does my boldness unnerve you?

Um, honestly, it does.

Hammerman is very jealous. We mustn't be seen together.

Huh? -See you do what?

-Hammerman! -You promised me you would

make me more human,

and you programmed me to love you,

but you gave me hammers for hands.

Not in front of the guest. No, no.

You have not touched my rubber vagina in months.

Why don't you go prepare us our dinner, huh?

Yeah?

He loves to beat the veal with his hammer hands.

Go, go. -Can I ask why you gave

a hammer man a vagina?

Well, it's in the ass.

The vagina is in the butt?

Yeah.

Gary, should I do this?

[ Romantic music plays ] If I've learned anything

from my time in Iraq, it's that life is short.

You ever see that movie, "The Bucket List"?

I have always wanted to go camping

and then watch a sunrise.

No, not that.

No, we should do the bucket list from "The Bucket List."

You know what I mean? when they're driving

the motorcycles down the Great Wall of China? Oh!

Like, Jack Nicholson had that scene

where he reconnects with his daughter?

T-That would be fun. That's fun.

You know what? You're right.

We only get one go-around at this life.

We should grab it by the horns. Yeah...

Gary: ...and leave good-looking corpses along the way.

Oh, yeah, is this hot? -Oh, i-it's --

-Do you like it? -Sort of?

-So -- Unh! Unh! -Oh!

Gary, what the hell are you doing?

[ Whispering ]Jenny and I are taking life by the horns, Claude.

So, you're just gonna ignore what Satan told us to do?

No, no, Satan wants souls,

and I'm gonna get him a soul, Claude.

Jenny: I was really hoping that we would

swim with the dolphins today,

but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. Grab a spoon, come on.

Let's be gluttonous.

And then, we can call your parents up

and tell them to go [bleep] themselves.

Yeah, we'll "disrespect thy mother and father."

What are you do-- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's not -- -Leviticus list of sins?

-[ Sighs ] -Gary, you know I'm a Baptist.

I-I don't want to do anything on this list.

You're right. What am I doing?

I'm being selfish. W-What do you want to do?

I have always wanted

to get an old-timey mustache on my finger --

you know, so in photos I can be like, "'Ello, guvna" --

Let's do that. ...and then maybe go to a butterfly farm.

-They have those? -Oh! We could go ride

a roller coaster, like, five times in a row.

I don't know. -What if, instead,

you handle cookware while menstruating?

[ Rapid banging ]

We need to figure out

how to stop your robot from murdering.

That's his whole identity. Okay, listen --

I'm already planning to break up with him. I --

If he loses his job, too, he's gonna have nothing left.

Just tell me how to shut him off.

His off-switch is under his left armpit.

Yeah, just, uh, there.

Whoo! Tickle! Tickle!

What are you -- Stop it! Tickle, tickle, tickle! [ Banging stops ]

-[ Laughing ] Stop! -I gotcha.

Tickle! Tickle! Look, stop.

[ Crash ] Aah!

I cooked the cutlets just how you like,

but I suppose you two are more interested

in suckling each others' fleshy genitalia.

Hammerman, it's not like that. It's not what you think.

We wanted to bring you in on this.

Who's up for a threesome? Show of hands.

Raise your hands high

if you want to have sex with me and the doctor.

You... [ Chuckles ]

Do I...

turn you on, Hammerman?

Or do I turn you...off!

[ Bones crunch ] Owww!

No, st-o-o-op!

-You home-wrecking bitch. -No!

You stop that now! Claude: [ Sobbing ]

Owww!

I hope you have a great life together.

Where are you going?

No, no, not the wall!

Not the wall!

[ Birds chirping ] Jenny: There it is.

[Sighs] We've done so much over the past two days, Gary.

I've grown really close to you...

guvna!

Ditto, Jenny.

-Ditto. -[ Laughs ]

[ Goat bleats ]

You brought a goat all the way up here?

Uh, yeah.

I love fresh goats' milk straight from the teat.

And I love milking it. You should try it.

I'm gonna guide your hand so you can milk him.

Oh, "him"?

-I'm sorry. It's a her. -Oh.

It's just big for a lady.

-Oh, oh, okay. Um... -All right.

Ooh, uh, this feels weird.

Why hasn't any milk come out yet?

It sometimes takes up to 45 minutes or so. Oh. Oh.

You just got to -- You can switch hands. Okay, yeah, my hand is gonna get pretty tired.

Kiss me while you're milking the goat. [ Sighs ]

[ Goat bleating ] Oh yeah, just keep milking it.

I didn't think anyone would ever love me looking like this.

I didn't think anyone could love me looking like this.

[ Laughs ]

[ Screams ] Oh, no! Demon!

-No, no, no, no, no! -Oh, good Lord! Ohh!

I'm still hot. I'm still hot, see?

It's just a hallucination brought on

by your brain cancer or some dumb shit.

Actually, it's ovarian.

Is there something you need to tell me, Gary?

Aah! Ohh! What are you doing?

My boyfriend was cheating on me,

so I am trying to lose myself in my work.

Jenny, don't you die on me! You touch this goat penis first!

I am worthless. No one loves me.

Death take me.

[ Crash, electricity crackling ]

Gary: I was up there working, Claude.

I wasn't trying to break off a piece inside Dr. Nickgibbion.

At least I don't get off

on watching my girlfriend jerk off a goat.

I was trying to get her to commit sodomy

so that she could be down here with me.

Why didn't you just have her give you a blow job?

"Blow job"?

Since when is blow jobs a sin?

Even if you're married?

-Big time. -That sucks!

So, tricking a devout Christian girl

into touching a goat's dick is not a sin,

but, "You shall not print or tattoo

any marks upon you,"

"guvna."

[ Laughs ] -Coming up Gary!

I'm gonna go see about a girl.

Jenny?

Jenny?

Jenny?

Jenny?

'Ello, governer.

Robots don't have souls!