Original subtitles

Did I ever tell you guys about the time

I went down to Georgia looking for a soul to steal?

-Yes. -Many times.

-Yep. -Okay, well,

it's Golden Fiddle Week, gentlemen.

Sign one out with Bob.

You know the drill.

Find somebody topside

and bet them a golden fiddle for their soul.

Just make sure you can win.

I don't know how to play a damn fiddle.

You don't need to be able to play a fiddle.

Just challenge them to something your good at,

like William here is a world-class opera singer.

[ Singing operatically ] * Thank yo-o-o-o-o-o-o-u

[ Chuckling ] That was good.

I can't believe he murdered his family.

Yeah.

[ Fiddle music plays ]

Scoot over, you dirty roofers,

'cause I'm the best that's ever been at roofing.

And I'll bet you a fiddle of gold

against your soul that I'm better than you at tennis.

I'm the best that's ever been at tequila drinking.

Benji: I bet I can make love to your son,

and I'm the best that's ever been.

I'll beat your ass at bar trivia!

I would beg to differ.

Well, I'm good, but I'm not, like, a pro or nothing.

You just said you're the best that's ever been.

Bottom line, can I make love to your son?

Just one game. Come on, man!

I'm calling the police.

Get out of here! But I'm the best that's ever been!

[ Screaming ] Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, am I safe? Am I safe?

Ay-yi-yi, cabron. [ Chuckles ]

I bet three dudes that I could beat them

at nailing shingles to a roof, and I crushed their asses

[chuckling] because I'm the best there's ever been.

They weren't even working very hard.

They nailed in a couple of shingles

and then they all, whole team said that their back hurts.

Where's their souls?

Oh.

They left before I could do that.

Yeah, and then they moved the ladder

and they put it in the van and they drove away.

I had to shimmy down a drain pipe,

and I got stuck in a bush.

So you basically shingled that roof for free.

And I'm the best at it.

Yep, it said on their business card that they were the best.

As a matter of fact, they were not the best.

So I'm the best there's ever been.

Where's your fiddle, Gar?

Oh, I got it right here. Mm-hmm.

Where's my fiddle?

I want all those fiddles back by the end of the week.

Do you understand me? Yes.

Otherwise, I'm gonna find them

and I'm gonna re-string those veins in your dick,

you little shit. I'm not [bleep] around.

I need those fiddles back.

They're made of solid gold!

Oh, oh, oh!

Troy! Have you seen my fiddle?

Oh, where's the fiddle?! Where's the fiddle?!

Where's the fiddle?! Troy, you seen my fiddle?

Where's my fiddle? I need -- I'm looking for my fiddle.

Where is it? I don't know.

Where did you put your fiddle?

There's my fiddle.

No, no, that's my fiddle.

That's my fiddle! No, you stay back.

That's my fiddle! It's got roofing tar

all over it, all right?

You diddled my fiddle! Shh! All right, fine, fine!

I just need to borrow it for tonight,

and then I'll give it back tomorrow!

What are you thinking about?!

You reek of booze.

Did you lose your fiddle?

You've been here all Golden Fiddle Week

at Burglar's Cove getting slammered?

You! Toad!

I got another golden fiddle for your soul,

and this time, I brought a trivia expert.

No. [ Laughing ] Oh.

By night's end, I'm gonna be fiddling while Troy burns.

That's a reference to Nero and Rome, 64 A.D.

But if I'm wagering my soul, you should wager yours, too.

Done. No!

Both of ours and the golden fiddle

in exchange for the fiddle you won for me last week.

I will end you.

"Good Will Hunting." Best Screenplay, what year?

'95.

'97. [ Laughs ]

This is gonna be a piece of cake.

[ Laughs ] Sarah, I'll take 30 hot wings

and a diet soda delivered to my table post haste.

You can take your tip out of my bar bucks

from last week's winnings when I took him down.

Well, I got a real ringer here.

He knows everything about pop culture and Canada

and dead celebrities.

I've been in hell for the last 10 years.

The only dead celebrities I know

are Jeffrey Dahmer and Adolf Hitler.

I'm the best that's ever been at bar trivia.

Yeah, you're the best that's ever been, all right.

The best that's ever been at passing out

drinking Jello shots while I have to sit there

listing Kenny Rogers hits.

I only know "The Gambler." I wrote it five times.

They must think I'm autistic.

Shh! Grab two souls.

Toad ain't gonna know the difference!

No, no, no, what are you doing?

Shh.

Hi.

The [bleep] you two doing in my soul closet?

It's a really funny story.

Troy's an alcoholic, and he lost both of our souls

and our fiddles in a bar trivia contest,

so no, Troy, it's not a funny story.

#GoldenFiddles, #Souls, #SuckItSatan.

Is this the guy? We're trending?

These golden fiddles are recruitment tools, they're bait.

You are not to lose them in a bet.

You lost to Charlie Daniels.

He wears a vest without a shirt.

He's got a five-pound Confederate flag belt buckle.

And that's his proudest thing, and he has kids.

Come with me.

We're gonna get raped.

Gentlemen, behold.

Oh. This is some kind of tree?

It's the tree of knowledge, you dumb shit.

-Oh! -Ah!

Let's go, pick it up. Gobble up this fruit, all right?

It's chock full of useless information.

Come on. Eat it up.

You put it in your mouth, up your ass, I don't care.

Either way. Claude, Dizzay, come here.

You got to help these two idiots win a trivia contest.

-Come on. -Oh, man, I got to eat

this moldy fruit because of your dumb asses?

Get in there. Get some of this. Come on, it tastes good.

Drop it, it's not ripe. [ Burping, gagging ]

Keep it in, Gary. Swallow the seeds, too.

All of it.

Pete Best was the fifth Beatle. [ Gags ]

There we go.

And The Beatles used to be called the Quarrymen.

Is that true?

"The Simpsons" is the longest-running

scripted television show, but I already knew that.

Nice. Work it! Work it! Keep going!

You're not the real Satan.

What? Come here. Come here, you son of a...

I want my fiddles back! Do you understand?

Toad, Eater of Worlds: Ah, back for more, huh?

And I see you brought reinforcements.

Isn't that right, Dimples? [ Laughs ]

I'm referencing the question you got wrong last week.

I know. A golf ball on average has 336 dimples.

[ Mock crying ] But you're a week too late.

And by the end of this match, I want two more fiddles,

two more souls, and I expect to be crowned

supreme ruler of the underworld.

Well, sorry, but we don't have the authority

to give you any of that.

It's a deal.

You're about to learn what my ass tastes like, Toad.

[ Fake spits ] Ugh.

I think The Dimples is a great team name.

No, no, no, no, man. That name sucks.

We need something like a play on the tree of knowledge, like --

The Fruity Boys.

-No. -Big Danglin' Fruits.

No! The Stinky Banana Buddies.

What are you talking about?

A bunch of grapes. Tiny "g," big "R."

Rapes. Big Rapes.

I already turned our name in.

Our team name is Funilingus.

Funilingus?

Oh, come on, man. Yeah, yeah.

'Cause we're here to have fun, but if we happen to...

that wouldn't be bad, either.

All right, everybody, welcome to Tuesday trivia.

We're so happy most of you are back with us again.

-Oh, not this again. -This is the only way

we're gonna beat this bastard. -God.

Trivia Host: Our first category is music.

What is the top-selling album of all time?

-[ Straining ] Michael Jackson. -Michael Jackson, "Thriller."

Michael Jackson's "Thriller"!

-[ Laughs ] -Oh, yeah.

-Hee-hee! -[ Imitates Michael Jackson ]

What figure appears in the background

of every "Seinfeld" episode?

-Superman. -Superman.

-Superman. -Whoo!

The musical "Cats" is based on a book of poetry by what author?

-T.S. Eliot. -T.S. Eliot.

T.S. Eliot. What is the world's largest island?

-Greenland. -Greenland!

Greenland. Just an update on our scores.

Tied at the top, we have Funilingus

and Todd, Eater of the Worlds.

Which Elton John album was the first album...

[ All speaking indistinctly ]

"Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy."

-Great job, guys. -Yeah, dawg.

[ Gags ]

How tall is is Big Bird -- You have to wait.

The -- The answer should be -- 8'2" is correct.

We're doing it, guys. We're freaking doing it.

All right, it's time for our final trivia question

for all the marbles and $100 in bar bucks.

Category is The Bible.

The question is, in the book of Thessalonians,

what city did Satan stop Paul from traveling to?

-Detroit? -I don't know.

I have no idea. I don't even know what he said.

I've only read The Torah.

Wait, wait, whoa, whoa.

Todd's not writing anything down.

Come on, we have to get this.

We got to eat more fruit, man. It's in the fruit.

-There's no more fruit. -How did we eat

all the fruit already? -What are you doing?

I'm phoning a friend.

[ Ringing ]

My ear hurts. I better rub it with my knuckle like this.

[ Cellphone ringing ]

No, asshole.

[ Cellphone beeps ] No.

He's not picking up the phone. He must be busy.

Just use my phone. He'll answer immediately.

Ew, your hands are hot.

Thank you for handing me that piece of gum, Claude.

[ Rap music plays ]

[ Cellphone beeps ]

My man.

Hey, hey, hey, where did you stop Paul from going to?

This is Gary, isn't it? Using Claude's phone?

[ Imitating Claude ] It's me, Claude. Shalom.

Yeah. [ Normal voice ] All right,

this is Gary, okay?

Okay, I got to go.

No, no, no! See you, Gar.

I got to go. [ Muffled ] Where did you stop

Paul from going to?

Is your jaw locking up?

Told you those spikes would give you tetanus.

Okay, yeah. Where did you stop Paul from going to?

Paul from The Bible.

Paul-ra-bu-bible?

I don't know who that is man. What are we doing?

Where did you stop Paul?

Paul.

Paul? Paul.

Paul who? Paul Simon?

No, not Paul Simon. Who are you, Lorne Michaels?

Paul McCartney?

No, who did you stop Paul from going to?

I don't -- I don't know.

Paul? You're Paul?

Paul from The Bible.

Where did you stop Paul from The Bible from going to?

The apostle Paul.

Yeah! The -- Yes, yes. The apostle Paul.

This is in, uh, Thessalonians, right?

Hurry, come on.

The song is about to end.

I need you to give me the answer.

Yes. Where did you stop Paul --

Thessalonica. Thessalonica.

Yes, it is a very funny story, actually.

[ Dial tone ]

Hello?

Thessalonica. [ Laughs ]

Funilingus back on top.

I just turned in Bethlehem.

Trivia Host: All answers are in, and the final answer

to the question is --

Thessalonica!

Thessalonica.

Ha! Whoo! I got it.

Did -- Did you get it?

Oh, we got it. Verbally.

But it had to be written down,

and your teammate clearly wrote..."Belteam."

Do you want me to go buck wild and rip up this place?

So, you got all of our golden fiddles back?

Yeah. In a way, yeah. Absolutely.

What do you mean "in a way?"

Ah, is he the workman? I want a display case built

right here, big enough for all four

of my golden fiddles and four souls. [ Laughs ]

[ Plucks fiddle ] Who is this?

I will see your face turn alabaster

when you find the servant is the master.

"Wrapped Around Your Finger," The Police, 1983...

Todd, Eater of Worlds.

His name's Todd Stodski. Mm-hmm.

Ooh, actually, while you're at it,

could you get rid of this, 'cause my name's Todd.

Not Satan. [ Laughs ]