Original subtitles

Troy: This isn't a Belgian waffle. You need batter.

This is amateur hour.

You're the batter. No.

You're the batter.

You got to lie down in the thing and close the lid,

your guts come out in the tiny squares,

and that makes the waffle.

No, I'm the flavoring.

You still need batter.

This should have been buttered or some type of non-stick,

'cause I'm -- you're never gonna get me out of here.

I'm just thinking of you. No, you're supposed to stick

so then when I pull up the lid,

parts of you get stuck to both sides of it.

Cleanup is a bitch with these things.

If you wanted to squish me and press me and burn me

in a waffle iron, that's one thing.

But if you want to make what you were told,

Belgian waffles a la Troy, you need some batter.

He's stalling! Just close the lid.

By the way, I should have been buried hours ago.

Just go bury Eddie. I'll cook myself. I got this.

You're not supposed to do that.

You are now a tortured, okay? Stop putting on airs.

It's just a little slap on the wrist.

I'm gonna be red and running the show before you know it.

And when you see me walking around

in my pleated khakis again, Eddie boy,

you are gonna be at the top of my ass-kicking list.

Okay, here, help me bury him, and then we'll come back here,

and we can do the waffle thing together.

[ Scoffs ] You can't handle two tortures at once, can you?

Hey, he's talking back. He's not supposed to do that.

Yeah, don't you talk back, Troy!

'Cause you talk back, I'm gonna start kicking back,

and then you got to -- Satan: Nice burial, Gar.

[ Gasps ]

Two tortures at once! [ Coughs ]

Talk about multitasking! [ Coughing ]

Oh, no, Eddie's suffocating.

Hurry, Gary. Save his life. Give him mouth-to-mouth.

But he's still making noise. I don't think you need to --

All right.

What's up with this waffle? There's no batter on it.

I was just taking a little break, Satan.

Gary said I could.

You lie!

You know, I came here to give you your horns back, Troy.

Thank you so much, sir.

You know, but on second thought,

I'm thinking you haven't learned your lesson.

Eddie [chuckles]

I have no idea how you buried yourself alive

and somehow added a bouquet of dead flowers on top.

Well, Gary did all the work, sir.

I did all the work, sir.

Satan: No, you didn't. Shut up, Gary.

I've been watching you since the late '70s,

just walking around here with your head up your ass.

But today, you showed me you got what it takes to be a demon.

Eddie, these are yours.

Oh, thank you, sir! Ha!

Uh, sir, those are my horns.

I-I put my initials on them.

And Troy is excelling in our torture program.

Which is why I'm giving you my Tortured of the Month Award.

Eddie, I want you to give Troy his -- his trophy.

And I've got some lube and some instructions here

on how to insert it.

Sir, that's not lube, that's sand.

Is this really happening?

Hey, Troy, you know I didn't ask for this.

You're going to Hollywood!

**

[ Screams ]

[ Ding! ]

Eddie: Do you have anything that's, like,

animal-free, cruelty-free?

I'm a vegan.

I got rawhide.

I-I... Deer hide.

No, I-I -- Horse hide.

These are all animals.

I-I want something that isn't an animal.

I got suede back here.

You know, that does come from an animal, I believe.

Cow hide?

Listen to the first part of that.

Hey, why -- why don't you try this 12?

Try cracking that, see how that bad boy does.

Thank you so much.

Here you go, ya Wall Street scum!

Huh? You predatory-lending prick!

Terrific.

Gary: Bye, Troy.

Ready for Eddie. Ha ha!

Whoo!

Eddie: Wow! This is my new cube?!

Hi, Keith.

[ Keyboard keys clacking ]

What's up, man?

I got your e-mail set up, Eddie.

Thank you, Keith.

Your password's Traitor$Sellout.

That should be easy for you to remember,

but I, uh, put it on a Post-It.

Don't do me like this.

I'm still the same old Eddie.

Yeah, is that what you tell yourself when you whip us?

When you're sitting in your fancy cube?

You're such an asshole since the promotion.

I'm just doing my job here.

Don't bust my balls on this.

Why not? You're gonna be busting ours --

with the gonad hammer, down by ball-busting rock.

Yes, probably.

But, again, I'm just doing my job.

I'm sorry.

Way to remember where you came from.

Geez. Damn!

Eddie! You're my man!

What's up, man? I heard the good news, baby!

[ Echoing ] Punch it in, baby.

Don't leave me hanging like this.

Come on, Eddie. Punch it in, man.

Would you die for him, Eddie?

Would you die for him, Eddie?!

[ Echoing ] Oh, there he is! Welcome aboard, Eddie!

Give me some skin. Give me some skin, Eddie.

Skin's the best part.

Oh. Mmm!

Just give it a minute.

Yeah. We look forward to working with you.

Eddie, snap out of it! Eddie! [ Screaming ]

Get up. Come on. It's good to be aboard.

No, I know. I know you are.

I'm happy to be part of the team.

All right, this next little bit's got nothing to do with our jobs.

It's just holograms. It's gonna be fun.

It's good to be aboard. I'm happy to be aboard.

**

It's so cold, Mama.

What will we eat to sustain ourselves, Mama?

What would you advise them to eat?

Think, Eddie.

What poor, defenseless thing in this scene is edible?

[ Baby screams ] Congratulations!

You chose the baby! Eddie: No, no, no, no!

I meant the baby blanket, not the baby.

The baby will be an excellent source of protein

for these settlers...

until they're brutally murdered by Indians.

Bring him down.

Good job picking the baby. Babies are good eating.

They're like -- They're like the veal of people, you know?

For the record, I picked the blanket.

Did you write this e-mail

and sent it to the entire department?

I'm confused. It came from your computer.

It says, "I don't have what it takes to be a demon.

I'm weak and soft, not strong, like Troy.

Troy should have his horns back.

Stupid Satan really blew it with this one.

Satan's a sad loser, almost as sad as Eddie,

who is me, who is very weak."

Why would -- Why would I write that?

I-I mean, I worship you, sir.

Whoever did write this, Eddie, he's got spunk and grit.

He's -- He's treacherous.

He's not afraid to speak his mind, you know?

Oh, you know, I did write that.

No, you didn't. You who did write this?

Troy. Troy hacked into your account

to purposely make you look bad,

because he's got attitude, Eddie.

And you need to get that attitude.

Have you shoved that trophy up his ass yet?

Oh, no, we said we were gonna circle back at 4:00

because that's what fits Troy's schedule.

He doesn't set the schedule, you do!

Now you take this trophy, and you shove it up his ass.

You hear me?! Yes, right --

Get out of here! No, I'll put it in his ass.

Please don't do it, Eddie! Please, I'm begging you.

I'm begging you. Dude, you don't have to do this.

It hurts so bad, I can't hack it.

I'm weak. I'm not strong like you.

I'm not strong like you. I'm weak.

My body's not made for that to happen to me.

Please. I'm begging you, please.

Take mercy on me, Eddie. Please!

**

All right. All right, I won't do it.

See, Satan? Eddie doesn't have what it takes

to do this job -- bottom line.

No, I want to be a demon. I just don't like the butt stuff.

I need demons that can do the butt stuff, Eddie.

I can do the butt stuff.

[ Grunting ]

[ Farts ] There it is.

I got one demon who doesn't do what he's told,

and another one who doesn't have what it takes.

Fellas, I think there's only one way to decide this.

Gentleman, behold.

The Wall of the Damned.

Yeah, I rented it.

It's got to be back in a couple hours.

So, listen, Troy, Eddie,

each one of you is going to attempt to get to the top

using Troy's old horns as your only tool.

Now, whoever rings the bell in the shortest amount of time

is gonna wear the horns.

Troy, you're going first.

All right. Starting...

now. [ Yelling ]

[ Grunting ]

You're gonna fall. You suck.

You'll never make it. [ Gagging ]

[ Grunting ]

All right, let's shoot at him.

Ben, pass out the guns. I want one pellet gun per demon.

Ooh! I got a bottle of water

for whoever shoots Troy off the wall.

[ Gunfire ]

Oh! Hey, what the...

Come on! Ow!

[ Gunfire continues ]

[ Bell ringing ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Gunshot ]

Ow! [ Laughter ]

Let's see you top that, you son of a bitch.

[ Bell rings ] Oh, hey!

That's two seconds. That's a new record.

He can't do that, can he?!

Congratulations. [ Chuckles ]

Welcome to the brotherhood of demons!

[ Whooping ]

**

I'm a demon! Whoo!

Now and forever!

Never again, okay?

Don't [bleep] paint me in this red shit no more!

You know, everybody has to do it -- Henry, Matt...

Troy: And I'm a tortured now.

And I'm gonna stay a tortured for the rest of the season

'cause I'm not putting that red shit back on.

Dave, can't we do the red digitally now?

Digital. There you go. And then we wouldn't have to sit through it.

Shane, I love what you do.

I love your guys' work, but we wouldn't have to do it.

And these pants, these are fur. It's hot as hell in there.

I mean, we could digitize the pants.

I mean, we have two more weeks of shooting.

Just two more weeks, you can gut it out.

I can't rewrite it. All right.

All right, fine, fine.

You mean it? I'll do it, yeah.

All right, thank you.

Hey. Thank you so much.

You're welcome. All right.

Eddie's agent is on the phone.

[ Beep ] Hey, Spencer. It's Dave.

What's up? Spencer: Hey, so Eddie doesn't want

to do the red paint on his face.

Uh, he's all good.

I talked to him like two minutes ago.

He's kind of upset, but we're -- we're all cool.

Well, he just texted me one minute ago, and he said

definitely doesn't want to do the red paint.

So, maybe make him a human demon that's flesh-colored?

I think that's funnier anyway.

They don't all need to be red.

Bye-bye.

No [bleep] way are we doing that.

We're not doing it.

Eddie: It's too bad I had to forfeit my victory

and now you're red and I'm not

because you're a demon again.

Yeah, I won, I won. I'm the demon.

And I'm so happy about it.

I'm back to being a tortured,

not with the horns and red skin that you enjoy.

I guess being a demon just wasn't for me.

Shut up, you son of a bitch!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ah! Ah.

I like this.

This works. This feels right.