Original subtitles

SATAN: Eddie, I called you up here

because you're a tortured soul, right?

Yes. Yeah. To me...

you don't seem that...tortured.

Oh, no. The demons do a number on me.

I mean, you hear my screams. They echo!

Aaaaaah!

Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

You hear that, right?

I know those guys are buddies of yours.

Okay. Yeah.

You got things going on.

Like, I mean, Gary's on his phone a lot.

Yeah, yeah.

Their heart's just not into it.

Hot pokers? Again?

I think the main torture with these guys is boredom.

TED: This little computer got a game on it

where you can be your own dolphin

and then you can name it.

Guess what I named mine.

What? Ted.

Shouldn't someone be flaying me open with those whips?

Man, you're in a hurry to get your ass whupped, ain't he?

You all flayed now? Flay master.

I can go for some coffee.

Ooh. Coffee now? That'd be good.

How do you take your coffee?

Black...

like I'm gonna make your bottom.

How did you get out of those manacles?

Hello? Yeah, hey. How's your torture going?

That's you guys -- phoning it in!

Open up your books, your torture manuals, to chapter 1.

[ Scattered groans ]

Underst-- Don't even start with me.

"Understanding Your Pitchfork." Let's go.

[ Groaning ]

[ Gurgling ]

Whoa!

[ Groans, spits ]

All right. Do I have your attention?

Uh-huh. Whoa!

Satan hired me as a consultant

to light a fire under your asses

because, apparently, real fire isn't enough.

Is he dead?

Gary, pay attention. Jesus Christ.

I assume you guys all have your books open to chapter 1, yes?

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Start ripping those pages out.

I want you to take all those pages,

roll them up nice and tight,

and then I want you to shove those pages

right up your ass.

And then once you're done shoving them up your ass,

then you can pull them out of your ass, because, apparently,

that's what you guys have been doing with your tortures --

pulling them out of your ass.

Gary, don't literally do it.

Everyone take a new soul.

I want you to get to know that soul,

and I want you to design a unique torture

for each and every one of them.

I want you guys to dazzle me with these.

More importantly, you want to dazzle him,

because if you don't --

I'll take your horns, and you'll be demoted to a tortured soul.

Where can I take a shower and get this shit off me?

Uh, Diarrhea Lagoon?

Diarrhea Lagoon is not gonna work.

Well, the acidity is like an astringent.

I don't want diarrhea on me.

Where can I get a clean shower, clean water, to get all this muck off me?

There's the donkey-cum waterfall.

Donkey-cum waterfall?

Yeah.

Someone piss on me. I want this off me.

If it's piss, I don't care.

All right. I'll take it.

All right.

[ Knuckles crack ]

Yeah.

Gary, you've been downloading porn this whole week?

No.

Yes. But it's just this one picture.

**

Very disturbing, Benji.

You can teach my seminar someday.

Thank you.

Way too much going on here. Quality, not quantity.

I'm Tee-Head. My victim loves golf.

All right, you know what?

Focus on his fears, not his hobbies,

but otherwise, a hole-in-one, V.C.

Very good.

So you must have a really great torture

already figured out, right?

I'm gonna be... staple-in-the-head guy.

Aah! Aah! [Bleep] that!

So, you're doing exactly what V.C. was doing,

except you're just using little, tiny staples.

V.C.'s just ripping off of "Hellraiser,"

and nobody wants to talk about that.

What he's doing is an homage to "Hellraiser."

What you're doing is just blindly copying off V.C.

It's a parody of him.

I'm Weird Al-ing what he's doing.

Weird Al-ing him? Okay.

[ Voice breaking ] I have nothing. Okay, Troy?

[ Crying ] I have absolutely nothing.

Please help me. I need help.

Something wrong, Gary? No, things are really good.

My torture is so scary, it makes me want to cry.

I'm gonna blow everybody's asses out of the water.

Okay. I like the 'tude. Nice.

I'm Tee-Head. I know!

All right?! I know!

Get the hell out of here!

What am I gonna do?

Just think of something horrific from your childhood.

Is this "Scooby-Doo"?

No, they didn't have that,

so I just got you this scary thing instead.

I don't know. Yeah, it's "Scooby-Doo."

Okay. If your mother calls,

you tell her I'm in the bathroom, all right?

If you need to know, I'm at the game.

Ha ha! Go, Pythons, yeah?

Ha!

[ Laughing evilly ]

It's a "shear" delight to meet you.

[ Laughing evilly ]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! [ Chainsaw buzzing ]

I think I got it. Thanks, Troy.

GARY: [ Distorted voice ] It's a "shear" delight to meet you.

You can't see, but I'm a puppet holding pruning shears.

Hello?

The patient awakens.

The surgery was a complete success.

Oh, my God. God can't help you here.

No, I was just gonna say this is just like that movie "Sutures."

This is nothing like the movie "Sutures."

Is there a phone hidden in one of five incisions in my body?

Yes.

Well, I'm guessing it's in this bulge right here.

Yeah.

Yeah, get the phone. Take out the phone.

Well, is it gonna explode like in the movie "Sutures"?

I did not steal any ideas from the movie "Sutures," okay?

It's a hack-job film.

"Sutures" 2 through 8 were phoned in, all right?

They lost the whole original cast and the original director.

Okay.

The only way to deactivate the bomb

that may or may not be in that cellphone --

and this is how it's different "Sutures" --

is that you need to take out the cellphone

[Normal voice] and you need to call your estranged father

to get the password.

I mean, I like my dad, so it's not that big a deal.

BENJI: [ Distorted voice ] Hey, Gary, how's it going?

[ Distorted voice ] Shh, shut up, Benji. I'm on the mic.

[ Sighs ]

[ Normal voice ] My guy is dead.

I got to wait a day for his body to reconstitute.

What did you do?

Pulled his skin off, made a skin suit,

and then I raped him

because I thought it would be shocking

to get raped by yourself. Yeah.

But he was already in shock.

And then I ate him because I just wanted to top myself.

I wish I could do it again because it just --

I'm just a little O.C.D. that way.

You did all that in seven minutes?

Yeah. It's not my record.

He was tough. He was a body builder.

He wasn't tender off the bone like a toddler.

Could you just get out of here so I can focus on this?

Are you sure? Yeah.

Okay. Don't work too hard.

Get away from me. Get away from me.

[ Laughing ] You are so sensitive.

You have any other specific memories of your father

that may make you cry or be scared?

None that I'm aware of. So you mean to tell me your dad

[Distorted voice] never, like, rapped you on the head

and said, "Hello, is anybody home?"

No. My dad was pretty great growing up.

[ Normal voice ] Oh, yeah, but what about the time

when you were playing baseball

and you missed the ball

and he was like, "Gary the fairy!"

[ Distorted voice ] "Gary the fairy!"

Your dad did that to you?

Yeah.

Oh, man.

It sounds like you should talk to him, maybe --

like, tell him how you feel.

[ Normal voice ] What would I say to him?

You know?

"Why did you lock me up in a hot car when I was 9?"

Did you not know how to open a car door when you were 9?

[ Distorted voice] I knew how to do it.

I was told not to.

I was afraid that if I walked out into the parking lot,

I'd get lost.

Well, what's your dad's name?

[ Normal voice ] Lamar Bunda.

Okay. What are you doing?

Information for Lamar Bunda.

No, no, don't! Wait!

[ Ringing ]

LAMAR: Hello?

Is he there? He's there? He's there?

Oh, what should I say?

Hello?

[ Indian accent ] Is this Lamar Bunda?

Please take me off your list, please.

But, Babur, I want to give you --

[ Dial tone ]

[ Normal voice ] That was him.

That was my dad.

Well, I mean, I have his address.

Do you want to go pay him a visit?

Oh, unless -- how long do I have before I explode?

Oh, I didn't do any of that stuff.

Oh. Busted!

[ Both laugh ]

Whoa!

This old Fury's just like my dad's!

Did you rent this? Oh, no, this is mine.

Want to get in back?

Get in back? Yeah!

All right.

No! No! Come on!

It's a "shear" delight to meet you.

[ Laughs evilly ] Get away! Get away!

[ Screaming indistinctly ]

You see that? Huh?

That's how it's done.

Too easy.

I think Gary might be a little late...

for the meeting.

You think? [ Chuckles ]

Guys, this is what I've been preaching all week.

He's got a hot car and a puppet, and he's in Gary's head.

Not everybody has to be cut up [bleep] and eaten, Benji.

Let's finish watching the end of the tape here.

I'm an adult! You're just a puppet.

I'm stronger than a puppet.

Yes! All right.

And I can leave this parking lot anytime I like!

It's a "shear" delight to -- Wait, where you going?

Come on, man!

Ooh.

**

Dad?

It's been a long time.

I didn't know you were in the army, Dad.

Yeah.

I came home from the war, had a kid.

I didn't know what I was doing.

No, you did not.

I just didn't want you turning into a big fairy.

Well, Pappy, I'm not a fairy.

I know, son.

And I think I had a big hand in that.

You did. I did, didn't I?

You really did.

Apparently, they're on a fishing trip together down in the Keys.

Troy, your biggest fear is being one-upped by Gary.

Ahem.

Ah! Wah!

GARY: It was just nice to see my dad in his element --

drunk, on the water,

ignoring a lot of what I was saying.

But there.

Me and Dad, we were pulling up martins left and right.

Easy-peasy, Japanesey.

Just jumping in the boat.

Game warden came over

and said we had to throw all the martins back.

Called "marlins," Gary. It's "marlin."

It'll be "martin" if I say it's "martin"!

Yeah! Yeah!

Coffee run. You guys want coffee?

I'd love a large macchiato.

No! No.

Get him a medium.

[ Laughing evilly ]