Original subtitles

[ Typewriter clacking ] Ted: "Dolphins are man's...

best friend...

not dogs.

Your killing the corral reefs... [ Rattling ]

...with bad chem-- chemicals." [chem-icals]

Uh, don't quote me, but I think you want

"U-apostrophe-R-E" on that, Ted.

It's not the possessive.

It's none of your beeswax, Cliff.

It's one "R" in coral, too. You're spelling it "corral."

What, are you trying to save... [ Typewriter dings ]

...a dude ranch or something? [ Laughs ]

It's about saving the reef.

Yeah, okay. All right.

Hey, Ted, what's up? Gary!

You got any white-out?

No, I do not. [ Sighs ]

Satan wants you in the conference room.

Did you not get the e-mail?

[ Laughs ] Are you kidding?

He doesn't read e-mails, Gary.

He doesn't even have an e-mail account.

You don't tell me what to do.

Why don't you grab your buddy Cliff there,

'cause Satan wants him there, too, so --

I don't trust him.

He's -- He's not a regular man.

I don't care.

Satan: I mean, technically, it is organic.

[ Indistinct conversations ] The yuppies lap that shit up.

I guess, you know, you could -- [ Door opens ]

And here he is.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Laughter ]

Come on in here.

Listen, I know you -- you hate attention

and you crave your privacy,

so we're gonna give you lots of attention

and take away your privacy.

We have a roast in Ted's honor, gentlemen.

[ All cheer ]

**

Does anybody recognize this?

[ Video tape clicks ]

Gary: That's the Tree Huger Bomber.

He was bombing people who made trees huger, or --

Ted: It's "hugger." Tree hugger.

No, no, that's correct, Gary.

This was the Tree Huger Bomber,

the semi-literate eco-terrorist from the '80s.

The one and only Ted! [ All exclaiming ]

No way! Yes!

All: [ Chanting ] Ted! Ted! Ted! Ted!

-Yeah, you suck! -[ Laughs ]

I put together a little highlight reel

of Ted's important environmental work

for the, uh, trees and the birds

and the dolphins and the flowers. [ Laughter ]

Watch this! Here we go!

Whoa-ho! [ Wacky music playing ]

"Yore killing the turtles."

"Yore"? Like -- Like in "days of yore"?

We don't have any turtles.

[ Laughter ]

[ Explosion ]

[ Laughter ]

Ted: I know you're not big into swimming,

but if you was to get in the water

with one of them dolphins

and swim around with them a little bit...

[ Beeping ] ...I'll tell you,

you'd love them just like I -- Scruffles, no!

[ Explosion, glass shattering ]

[ Laughter ]

Cliff: He's so stupid.

You're the only one that truly understands me.

I can talk to you about my theories, and --

Wait.

Angela, you're a married woman.

[ Grunts ]

[ Laughter, heckling ]

**

[ Laughter, heckling continue ]

This is getting real.

Dirty! Yeah.

This is getting dirty!

[ Laughter ]

[ Disturbing music playing ]

[ Chuckles ] Ain't nothing better

than a homemade acorn pie.

[ Laughter ]

Ooh. Mmm!

[ Choking ]

[ Thump ] [ Wacky music continues ]

Well, no wonder the FBI never found you, Ted.

Who'd want to go in that dump?

[ Laughter ]

All right, listen, I got, uh -- I got Ted a little present here.

Man: Oh.

We know how much you love animals.

I got you a paperweight.

So, we put a little dolphin head in there for him.

All: Aww! Isn't that beautiful?

"Thank you." Right?

Hey! Whoa! Whoa!

[ Laughing ]

I got it!

[ Laughter, whooping ]

I would like to read

all 2,162 pages of Ted's manifesto.

All: No!

I hope you can read the fine print!

Whoo! [ Whirring ]

Man: Make it rain!

Th-That's my only copy! [ Laughter ]

I have a $2 million bounty on my head.

How much are you nerds worth, huh?

Zilch, probably.

Nerds!

[ All groan ]

-You bitch! -Come on!

-[ Laughing ] Aw. -Aw.

Well, good party, guys. Yeah, Gary?

On the invitation, you said there would be cake,

that the cake would not be made out of manure or bugs.

There would be chocolate inside of the cake. Man: Yeah.

It does have a little chocolate... Mm-hmm?

...holding the manure and the bugs together.

Give me some of that cake.

[ Laughter ]

Man: Yeah, man.

[ Muffled laughter ]

Satan: [ Echoing ] Hope you can read the fine print!

Cliff: He's so stupid!

Elderly Man: We don't have any turtles.

Gary: Wee-ooh, wee-ooh.

Wee-ooh, wee-ooh.

I'm a police siren. Really?

Has anyone seen Ted?

No, not since the roast.

I think we may have been a little bit hard on him.

There he is. Ted, my man.

No, I get that a lot. Different Ted.

Benji?

Yeah.

Troy.

Oh, look at this. Here's one for Gary.

You know me, Ted.

You guys must be pretty popular.

Should open those suckers up.

Come on, Ted. We're sorry about the jokes.

Plus, we know these are bombs.

Mine is a pile of bat turds with a timer.

[ Timer ticking ] That's so funny, 'cause so is mine.

You try finding fertilizer in Hell.

No, that's not -- That's...

[ Sighs ] I just --

Oh, no, mine's gonna blow up!

Aah!

Ted.

[ Grunting ]

I'm all alone down here.

You're not alone, Ted.

I read your manifesto,

and I think you had a lot of good ideas in there.

[ Chuckles ] Not the stuff

about blowing up computers, of course.

What does it matter? Satan shredded it, anyway.

I scanned it.

It's right here... [ Scanning, beep ]

...in my belly.

[ Both laugh ]

And I can spell-check it for you, too.

You -- You'd do that for me?

Of course I would. [ Chuckles ]

What are friends for?

I-Ihave friends.

[ Mellow music playing ]

[ Keyboard clacking ]

That's not how you spell "bomb making," silly!

[ Both laugh ]

Technology's not so scary after all, is it?

See? Bat guano will explode --

if you know how to mix it.

[ Keyboard clacking ]

It's a label template with stickers.

Now, doesn't that look more professional?

Up top! Yes! Yeah.

I think people are gonna be really impressed today.

[ Bat screeches, wings flapping ]

[ Thud ]

[ Panting ] Thanks, Percy!

[ Explosion ]

Wow. Now, this is how you address a package.

Ted could really learn from whoever did this.

Does that package smell like bat shit?

[ Sniffs ]

[ Gags ] Oh, yeah.

Don't open it.

No, you know what? You should open it.

Don't you yell at me.

And where are your arms, you idiot?

You look dumb.

I may have already won, and I like those odds.

[ Explosion ]

[ High-pitched ringing ] [ Muffled ] What was that?

Good one. I can't hear anything.

[ Mutters indistinctly ]

Moses? What's that prick want?

[ Rustling ]

[ Explosion ]

Cliff: He opened it!

[ Laughs ] He got the message.

Oh, my God.

Holy moly!

I may have killed Satan.

[ Chuckles ]

It's getting hot. We got to lay low.

Or lay high. Topside. Up top.

Know what I mean? Earth?

Well, your body's still up there, Ted,

frozen in that shack.

If we can get your soul back up into your body,

there's no limit to the number of people we can explode.

You're right.

Let's blow this popsicle stand.

Oh, wait. We already did.

[ Both laugh ]

Talk-- Talking about Hell. No, I know.

I-I got what you were talking about.

[ Banjo music plays ]

Just like I remember it!

One room, but it's roomy.

Real roomy.

[ Gasps ] Angela.

You waited.

[ Flies buzzing ] My tap shoes...

[ Chuckles ] ...right there on my dead body.

Hey, try it on. Let's see how it looks.

[ Cork pops ] All right.

[ Whooshing, crackling ]

[ Screams ]

[ Farts, grunts ]

Aw, there he is!

Look at this guy! You're back, baby!

[ Laughs ]

Hey, you look really good.

I know we don't have electricity in here,

but, Cliff, we'll get you a phone, get you Wi-Fi.

We can start bombing people.

Like you taught me -- more professional, you know?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Turn around, dude.

Let's see those legs working, huh?

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

You and me, man, we're gonna do it.

[ Disks ejecting ]

[ Screams ]

[ Thud ] [ Grunts ]

Yeah, FBI, please.

Yeah, I have a tip on the Tree Huger Bomber.

[ Screams, sobs ] Yeah, is that $2 million reward still available?

[ Cell door closes ]

For my last meal,

I'd like one freshly-baked acorn --

[ Electricity buzzing ] [ Grunting ]

**

$2 million worth of cocaine and hookers -- boom, gone!

I had never tried alcohol before.

Can you believe that?

It's amazing! [ Laughs ]

But all the solders came loose on my motherboard,

burned up my hard-drive. I really did.

That's what happens when you're bumping and grinding, you know?

[ Laughs ] Vegas, baby!

Yeah, sounds like you had a real wild time.

I did. I very much did.

[ Keyboard clacking ] Are you getting this or what?

Getting what?

The document I'm sending to you.

Hey, Ted.

Troy, can I have a moment with your computer?

Hey, sorry about the shack, man.

My CD-ROM drive's all wonky.

I'm going to gouge your eyes out.

Aah!

Satan: Hey, Ted.

Welcome back, buddy.

Come with me. I got a new job for you.

I'm coming for those eyes.

You don't have the balls.

[ Water splashing, dolphins squeaking ]

It's a new department I've started, Ted.

And I want you to run it for me.

[ Dolphin squeaks ]

Yep. So, what you have to do

is you take a hook and you slam it into their blowhole.

Take this, and you cut off their snouts.

Pretty -- Pretty quick.

They're gonna be making lots of [imitates dolphin]

but, trust me, they're not giggling.

They're in a lot of pain.

Get 50 of them done

by the end of the day today,

and then, uh, we'll work our way up, all right?

Why?

[ Dolphin squealing ] [ Straining ] Come on, now.

Don't make it harder on yourself.

I don't want to do it. I know. I --

[ Gasps ]

[ Dolphin squeaks, purrs ]

I can't cut your nose off.

God, you sleek, beautiful, genius of the sea.

[ Dolphin squeaks ]

[ Water splashes ]

[ Sobs ]

Need a little help?

Guys?

Ted, man, welcome back, brother.

We missed you.

Well, what's all this stuff?

We knew you didn't want to cut off the noses

of those dolphins,

so we're gonna do it for you.

[ Laughing ] Guys!

And Satan never said anything

about not sewing those snouts back on,

so what I brought

was a little bit of sewing thread

and a needle and some antiseptic. [ Laughs ]

And what we'll do is we'll sew the snouts back on their bodies.

They'll be out in the ocean dancing and singing

for the rest of their lives -- naturally.

Satan: Don't sew the snouts back on!

No, we definitely won't do that.

I want those dolphins to bleed out.

Man, his hearing has gotten, like, way better. Yeah.

Can I just have some of the water?

Nope. No water.

Beat it.

[ Water splashing ]

Anyway. You know...

Sorry, dude.

See you guys. Probably not.