Original subtitles

...and my brother would just get so mad.

[ Zoom! ] Whoa!

Did you see that? It was a spaceship!

**

[ Speaking alien language ]

[ Gunshots ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Gunfire continues ]

Where'd you get that gun?

My dad's nightstand.

[ Zoom! ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Screams ]

Damn, you ugly, son!

Now you're in hell?!

Some people can't catch a break.

No, no, no, no, Dizzay, no!

This guy's an alien from outer space!

He's a Gray! He's here to promote peace.

He's here to save the universe!

And he doesn't belong here.

Troy: Hey, X-Files!

If you die on earth, you don't believe in Jesus,

you get the hook. Now hook him!

See, that's what I'm talking about.

No, no, no! I will not face the wrath

of the Intergalactic Committee.

And I refuse to gut any more molesters

until you bring him down.

[ Clang! ]

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

[ Grunting ]

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Ow! Wow! Wow! Ah!

-[ Laughs ] -Yo!

You all right, Eddie?

Yeah.

[ Zap! ]

Oh, thank you!

Oh, my God.

You healed all of Eddie's wounds!

All right, do it again. Yah!

[ Screams ] Ah!

Oh, thank you!

-Yah! -[ Screams ] Ah!

-What? -[ Screams ] Ah!

Because you healed Eddie's wounds,

I'm gonna call you...

Healy.

Hey! What's going on?

Eddie's been down here for 45 minutes.

He's completely unblemished.

Well, that's because Healy's been healing him

with his healing powers, ya knucklehead!

Healy?

Healy is short for Healifer, and I am his Earth father.

And it's amazing!

It's proof that there's life in outer space!

Yeah, I'm not really into sci-fi.

It's not sci-fi. It's just sci!

Will you do me a favor? Will you cut his head off

and stick it on a spike and then slice his body up into pieces

and make him eat the pieces?

He's proof that there's life-force

out in the universe!

He made my whip into a licorice whip

with a peppermint handle.

-Healy, huh? -Yeah.

Yeah, come here, Healy.

Heal this, huh.

[ Zap! ]

Whoa! That's awesome!

He gave me hair?

You look like Willy Wonka's coke dealer.

Gave me licorice hair.

He gave you licorice hair!

Cut his head off.

No, he's from Zeta Reticulum!

Cut his finger off, too, and make him eat it.

**

[ Voice breaking ] I don't want to do this.

I know you're special,

and you're my little peanut

that I want to keep in a little basket.

But they don't care that you're special

or that you're cute or that you're my little peanut.

Dizzay?

Hold his big-ass weird feet.

God bless you, little boy.

[ Whirring ]

[ Speaking alien language ]

-Gary, look! -What is it?

I don't know, man -- looks like plants or something.

It's weed!

[ Laughing ] Look at this, Gary!

Tomatoes, asparagus!

It was Healy! He made the vegetables grow in the tar sands!

[ Sniffing ]

That's a pepper! A yellow pepper.

William?

Yeah, Gar?

Can you do me a favor?

Sure, Gar. What's up?

I feel like my whole body is filling with energy.

Yeah, I guess that's what happens

when you eat something besides chalk for a change?

Where you getting chalk from?

I get it from the conference room.

That's why there ain't no chalk, baby.

[ Clatters ]

Hey, shh! Healy, you're in disguise.

Stop drawing attention to yourself!

What the hell are you guys doing?

Nothing, just hanging out with our friend William.

You know, just -- just chilling down.

That ain't William.

[ Screams ]

He's destroying my computer!

You said that it was running slow, and so he's fixing it.

[ Screams ]

He's ripping his intestines out.

[ Synthesized voice ] Hello, Gary.

Oh, look at that, he made a little translator!

I'm not sure what part of your planet this is,

but I want to go home.

Well, guess what, I want to go home.

This guy wants to go home. Everybody here wants to go home!

You're a soul now. Your body's dead.

I can get back into my body.

On Earth?

Yes. I can heal myself.

We're not exactly supposed to leave, Healy.

Help me get my body, and I will take you to my home planet.

We have a tree that grows your favorite food.

You mean to tell me you've got a tree that just grows pad thai?

Yes, and we have horny sex robots

that exist only to please you.

All nude. Triple X.

I -- I wanna go. I wanna go.

No, no, no, no, shut your mouth.

I'll do it. I'll go. I'll go.

Let me ask him. Shut up!

They do handjobs?

Well, they'll do anything.

You can get more than handjobs.

But tell me, they got, like, real hands, right?

And not, like, just claws --

They're not gonna rip off my dick and balls?

Handjob, pad thai, done. Are we good to go?

Uh, you know what. You're gonna take me, too,

because, otherwise, I'm gonna tell Satan.

-That's blackmail. -Please don't do this.

You're also fixing my eyesight 'cause you know what?

I'm sick of wearing these glasses.

Okay, bend down here.

[ Zap! ]

What the...is this?

Oh, God.

Why did you do that to him?

He was a liability. So I turned his face into corn.

[ Mumbles ] All right, well I'm gonna go pack my stapler,

and then we can get out of here.

Leave the stapler. My planet has plenty of staplers.

[ Shouts indistinctly ]

Yeah, you just hide in there. Just shh.

All right.

[ Slapping noises ]

Hey, I just got to take the old machine topside.

Getting standard maintenance done to her.

For some reason these photocopy repair places

aren't down here.

They're always up there.

You know how it is with photocopiers

'cause you're always using them and they, like, need maintenance

pretty much standardly all the time.

So I'm just taking her topside with it.

Taking her topside.

See ya, buddy!

According to my finger, my body's nearby.

It's you!

It's you!

Oh, my God.

They're playing with your guts.

Healy: They split me wide open.

Why, you animals? Why?

That is too much to heal.

There are my space shorts. I can call my brother.

[ Phone dialing ] Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Mention me, you know?

Mention that I'm coming with you guys.

Tell him that we can have some pad thai on me.

And my tree -- The tree that grows all my favorite foods?

And then I can have some alone time with that robot

that's just gonna give me handjobs all night.

[ Roy babbling ]

Here, hold my translator.

No, but wait, wait. Listen, hey, hey.

I'm really excited to meet you guys.

I think this is going to be fun.

Healy's brother, I can't wait to meet you.

It's fun, it's cool. All right. All right.

Ga gak! Ga gak kak!

[ Synthesized voice ] Yes, I'm still alive. No thanks to you, dumbass.

That was just some stupid earthling.

I do not give a shit if you have to ask off of work, Roy!

This place is horrible.

I'm gonna push that we have this entire planet destroyed.

[ Fire alarm ringing ]

What the hell are you doing?!

Well, doctor, yes, yes.

Aliens are normal to see every day.

My brother wanted me to tell you "thank you" for helping me.

Why can't your brother just thank me in person

when we're on your home planet?

He said he's bringing the smaller ship,

and you may not fit inside.

Well, I can just take less stuff.

Won't that fix the problem?

There are many sandstorms on my planet.

You will get a lot of sand in your pad thai.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you backing out on me?

Is that what I'm hearing from you?

Hey, where do you guys think you're going with that bod--

A lot of the beings on my planet are racist.

You may have trouble finding work with the way you look.

Well, I'll be fine, as long there is no Satan.

What about Satan?

Who told you? Was it Troy?

No, Troy has a speech impediment.

[ Mumbling ]

Shut your corn hole!

Get that? Corn hole?

Come with me.

[ Beeps ]

This is the Soul Shredder.

It'll shred your soul for good.

Yeah, you fall in there, you will cease to exist.

See ya, suckers!

Ha ha ha!

[ Laughing deliriously ]

No, let me die!

Nice try, Eddie.

You gotta be kidding me!

Healy, take a look.

Thought you might like to see this.

No, Satan. Noooo!

Nooo!

No, Healy!

[ Laughs ]

Whoa!

Hey, Healy, your little brother brought the big ship anyways!

Tell him to beam me up, too! I got all my shit!

See ya later, Gary. It has been real.

-That's bullshit! -Hey!

Let go of me. You are not a good fit.

I'm coming with you anyway!

Also, I don't like you.

I demand immunity

by the name of the Galactic Federation of Starfleet.

Sounds like some made-up bullshit.

Your feet! You're cutting off your damn feet!

Oh, don't worry. They will grow back.

You promised! [ Screams ]

You promised me you'd take me with you!

You promised! [ Thud! ]

Don't you have, like, a spell

that can clean all this stuff up?

Yeah, I do, but I don't want to take jobs away from people.

Yeah...

You said to him "You promised."

Promised.

What, uh... what did he promise?

I mean, 'cause it looked to me

like you were trying to escape.

Certainly not.

Why don't you drop trou and tell me what he promised.

That finger's not going to heal me, is it? No.

Guess what, I'm not doing this like I normally do.

Yeah?

I'm doing it the Gary way.

**

Yeah, here comes the airplane.

Looking for the hangar.

You want it less because I want it?