Original subtitles

Troy: Ooh, it sure is nice

to get out of the office for the day, sir.

Gary: It's like the south of France,

except it's a big barf lagoon filled with corpses.

-[ Sighs ] -Yeah.

You guys ever think about having a kid?

-No. -Down here?

-Absolutely not. -You out of your mind?

Every day, no warmth, no hope.

That'd be the worst thing I could ever do.

Be surrounded by monsters.

-So why do you ask? -I don't know.

Revelation says I'm supposed to have a son in 2143

and that he'll bring about Armageddon,

the second coming of Jesus, and I...

I don't know, I'm just, uh...

I think I'm ready now.

Have my own son, you know?

Hold him in my hands...

look down into his black eyes.

**

So who's the lucky lady?

Oh. Here's a fashion magazine with a lot of hot tail in it.

-Ooh. -I earmarked a few pages.

Put them in number preference.

You want this woman from the yogurt ad?

I want this one!

Oh, the supermodel.

Yeah, I'm so gonna nail that.

Set it up.

Whoa!

-Oh, crap. We can't sail! -Whoa.

-We can't sail! -Sinking!

This place is gonna be...

-perfect. -What? What, you got incense?

What's with the Mardi Gras beads? We don't need all this.

This dirty, smelly cave was not sexy enough.

I wanted it to be, like, nice.

This kid's gonna be our boss one day.

Is that the mom from the yogurt ad?

I couldn't get the underwear model.

-All right. -Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,

yes, yes. Okay. So, this is Cheryl.

If she asks you, you're Lenny Kravitz,

and we're shooting a music video.

Oh, hi! I'm Cheryl.

That's not the woman we talked about.

Oh, yes, she is.

Photoshop's crazy these days.

-Really? -Yeah.

-Hey, how you doing? -Hi.

Yeah, do me a favor. You open your robe?

Uh, more?

Yep. Lick your lips.

Mm.

Maybe touch yourself a little bit.

All right. We're here. Let's do it.

I'm excited. I usually don't get to do the fun, sexy stuff, so...

So, um, what's gonna happen?

Yeah, how's this work? I'm unclear, too.

Uh, yeah, I'm going to enter her as a serpent.

I'm gonna inject her with my venom, which contains my seed.

It's... [ Chuckles ]

Stuff's pretty potent. I could impregnate a rock.

When do we use this crucifix

filled with the semen of a thousand murderers?

[ Laughing ] Oh.

Did you do that? [ Laughs ]

[ V.C. grunting ] [ Squelching ]

Thank you, Gary.

Oh, you're really tossing some ropes there, V.C.

You know what's weird is that I never really took you for a murder, though.

I screwed a guy on a land deal once, but that's about it.

I said only murderers, V.C. Now you sullied the vial!

Now I got to start over!

Satan: How many guys?

-1,000. -1,000.

[ Both laugh ]

That is...

That's good. [ Laughs ]

Let's do this.

All right. Let the impregnating begin.

Okay, why don't you just hop over on all fours

and wiggle that ass, okay, honey?

Sure! Oh.

[ Chuckles ] Oh.

Hey, oh, I can't see. Point me towards the hoo-ha.

-I'm gonna light the candles. -I want some of that punani.

-Wait, where is Lenny? Oh. -Oh, yeah.

Give me some of that sugar-sugar.

-Look, I found a warm hole. -This --

Oh, no! [ Farting ]

Get out! Get out! Get out!

Ohh!

Oh, wow! It's -- Oh!

-Am I in? -Oh!

[ Continues farting ]

-Am I in? -No, no, no!

You're not in! Ohh! [ Continues farting ]

[ Groaning ]

Why don't we just give these two lovebirds a little privacy, huh?

-Ohh! -Is he okay?

Troy: Gary.

[ Chuckling ] Pretty crazy stuff, huh?

Satan... [ Blows raspberry ]

...going up your pants. Did he get all the way in?

'Cause I saw him come out of your mouth,

-so I just assumed... -Seriously.

...he went all the way through there.

Don't... want to talk about it.

[ Chuckling ] Oh, hey, guys. What's up, man?

-Hey. -Great job yesterday, man.

That Cheryl, she was feisty.

I still cannot get her stink off of me.

She was really nasty. Hey, listen, Gary, you do me a favor,

take care of all that prenatal shit with Cheryl,

'cause I'd do it, but, you know...

don't want to.

-And why should you? -Yeah.

Cool. I got to jump. Teamwork makes the dream work.

-Hey, hey! -[ Chuckles ]

You better tell him.

He's gonna find out Cheryl isn't pregnant.

Why don't you [bleep] do something?

You know?

I got raped

by a snake.

I was there.

Let's have a worse day competition.

Hello?

**

In between scrotum gougings, I've been doing Pilates.

I don't know if you've noticed. It helps with my flexibility.

I told you he was doing something.

Yeah. Thank you.

Hey there, fellas. What's crack-a-lacking?

Oh, nothing. We're just hanging out, shooting the shit.

-Really? -Yeah.

It seems like you guys are just out here talking

about your yoga routines and just purposely excluding me!

Come on, Gary, it ain't like that, man.

Really? How else are my feelings wrong?

What, are you like the little conductor for my emotions,

and I should feel how it is

you think it's appropriate for me to feel?

Okay.

Well, maybe if there was a little bit more communication

in this circle of "friends"

that I thought I was a spoke of...

Shut up. Do any of you even like me for me?

-Yes. -Gary? Gary, we like you.

It's just, lately, you've just been acting like a...

Like what?

Like a little bitch.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm a bitch?! You're a bitch.

You're a bitch. You're a big, floppy, dumb, wet bitch!

Every one of you! I'm sorry.

[ Crying ] What am I? I'm doing this.

Yeah, a little bit.

I don't know what's wrong --

Ohh!

Gary, are you okay?

I think I'm fine. I just maybe --

Whatever it is, you going like a mother.

[Bleep] you!

You are pregnant.

How is that even possible?

Satan turned into a snake and penetrated your butt, remember?

Half its DNA is a turd.

Its penis is hard and sharp, like a roofing nail.

Do you want to keep this monstrosity?

No, no, we don't need to do that.

We'll just scoop this guy out, dump him in the toilet,

-and call it a day. -My body, my decision!

Could we have a minute alone, please?

There is a life force growing inside of my guts.

[ Voice breaking ] It's the biggest responsibility

that I've ever had.

And if Satan thinks

that he can hurt one hair

on my little soldier's head,

then he's gonna have Mama Gary to deal with.

You're an idiot. Satan's gonna kill you and your butt baby.

Our butt baby.

I hope it comes out my butt.

[ Classical music playing ]

Satan: Gary!

Very busy working, so you probably shouldn't...

What is that?

It's a magazine.

I mean, print media is on its way up,

but I'm pretty surprised how quickly you've forgotten.

Not the magazine, you moron. The model!

She should be showing -- nine months pregnant!

Oh, she's showing. She's got a baby bump right there.

Now, that's baby fat!

-Stop yelling at me. -Fool!

You don't know what's happening to me.

I'm disgusting. Don't even look at me!

I'm a hippo!

What -- What's going on here?

Nothing.

You accidentally crawled inside Gary's butt,

and now he's having your baby, sir.

Troy, you vegan asshole!

He ought to know.

What?

[ Groans ]

I may be dead and in Hell,

but now I have a reason to live.

And so do you.

You're gonna be a daddy.

What do you think, Papa?

You kept this from me.

Are you insane?

I'm gonna be a daddy?

God.

That's my boy inside there!

[ Both sobbing ]

That's my boy!

I made you an appointment with a great obstetrician.

Troy, I want you to escort Mama Bear topside.

Gary: Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Now, go. Go.

-Bring me back my son. -I will.

Can't wait.

-Love you. -I love you.

You know, I'm just impressed

as to how well Satan is taking everything.

[ Loud clang, electricity powering down ]

Oh, no, Troy. Make sure you call the OB/GYN

and tell him we're gonna be late for the appointment.

He is so hard to book. Oh, this is so funny.

There's no OB/GYN, Gary.

[ Laughs ]

-Oh, shit! -You dragged me into your mess!

-I dragged you into my mess?! -Yes!

Whoa. Ohh! Ohh! [ Liquid gushing ]

Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second.

Did you happen to bring a whole canteen of soup in here

and spill it all over my knees?

Why would I have a canteen of soup?!

-Ohh! -Oh, God! That's horrible!

[ Groaning ] [ Liquid continues gushing ]

Oh, that is -- That is -- What?

What is happening?

Oh, great.

[ Gurgling ]

Ooh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

[ Grunting ] [ Gurgling continues ]

[ Groaning ]

[ Baby cries ]

Where'd he go?

I'm a mommy! [ Laughs ]

Troy, light a match so I can see my little buttercup.

-Oh, he's down there somewhere. -No, don't step on my baby!

Oh!

**

[ Cooing ]

Oh, there he is.

Oh.

[ Screeching ]

He's ripping my [bleep] face off!

Don't you curse in front of my son!

I want Chron to be raised in a nurturing environment!

If a torture is being eaten by maggots,

it is counterproductive to then stick him in acid.

It kills the maggots.

Think. That is a waste of maggots.

Now, if you are gonna combine tortures,

I highly rec--

What is that smell?

It's your son. His name is Chron.

He's made a poopy, haven't you?

Get it out of here.

Uh, he's not an "it."

He is a unique snowflake.

[ Chron grunting ]

Oh. He's hungry.

William, will you hold my baby while I pump?

-[ Screeching ] -[ Screaming ]

-A mother's job is never done. -Ugh.

Luckily, the restaurant's always open.

[ Gasps ]

Oh, my God.

You feed it just blood? That's gross.

Oh, I bet you would want to put Chron

on formula from those corporate overloads.

Well, the milk from my breast is filled with iron,

and it's going to make my son strong.

'Cause when you're a mother,

you're a mother 24/7...

Satan: All right, so, back to maggots.