Original subtitles

[ "Deck the halls" playing ]

Hey, claude!

Come check this out.

What is all this?

Is that a stocking?

I made it for satan. It's out of vc's belly meat.

Vc, you ready?

[ screaming ]

* we wish you A merry christmas *

You see it? * we wish you A merry christmas *

* we wish you a merry christmas And a happy new year *

You do realize That this holiday

Celebrates the birth Of satan's sworn enemy.

It's all right, claude.

Christmas has become So commercialized

That jesus doesn't even Get the credit anymore.

Yeah, we got his ass.

But back when I had krampus Coming to town

With his rusty bells And chains

And the look of fear On the kids' faces --

That's the holidays.

-who's krampus? -friend of mine.

We used to hang out in Eastern europe in the 1800s.

Here, I got some pictures. Take a look.

-hmm. -krampus was intense.

Let me tell you. That guy was insane.

I'd love to see these Helicopter parents today

If krampus was to

Stuff their little brats Into his drowning tub.

Ugh!

So he drowns The children?

No, not all of 'em. See, that's krampus.

You know, it's like, no, maybe He'll just hit them with a shoe

Or he'll put them In his gypsy cart.

You never see 'em again. You don't know with this guy.

I'm loving this idea, claude, Of bringing krampus back.

You guys Go get krampus back.

Guten krampus nacht!

Guten krampus nacht, vc!

Guten krampus nacht, Everyone! * now bring us Some figgy pudding *

[ wind whistling ]

[ screaming ]

No!

No!

No!

[ groaning ]

Are you krampus?

[ german accent ] No. I'm gumphanickel.

You're looking for My dad.

**

[ horn sounding ]

Would you like to try And blow the horn?

Your lips have been on it, So I don't...

[ german accent ] When I press the tv button,

It's broken 'cause the volume goes away.

And then I press it again And the volume goes back.

Right, That's the mute button.

Close the door.

I'm not paying to Heat the whole outdoors.

Hey, claude, How did you beat me here?

Did you teleport to The bottom of the mountain?

Are you that stupid?

[ sarcastically ] Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, I teleported To the bottom of the mountain

And then I climbed All the way up just to get here,

And then I nearly lost my balls

Because I "Made my harness too tight."

Are you saying what you actually Did, but in a sarcastic voice?

-yes. -as I was saying,

We want to bring krampus To america big-time.

No, no.

Krampus is retired.

I haven't made a naughty list In over 20 years.

I tried to get gumphanickel To follow in my footsteps.

This one isn't interested Unless it's a horn to carve.

They warn the villagers Of avalanches!

They cause avalanches, Gumphanickel!

Why do you think That the horn blast happens

And then the snow falls?!

Are you trying to warn them In the future?

Kids today.

Every time they fart, They get a trophy.

When they got rid of Spanking,

That's when the whole world Went down the crapper.

And satan Agrees with you.

Satan needs me to Keep the children in line.

The ones that are left.

Mmm!

[ giggles ]

So, what do you say?

Are you interested in Working with us on this?

Fetch my drowning tub.

Krampus is back!

[ giggles ]

-great. -great.

I don't like the dance,

But I appreciate Why you're doing it.

**

Oh, thank goodness.

Santa has a second workshop!

The other one's Really swamped.

For $24.99, you can get a Package that includes an 8x10.

We just want to see santa. Right, ethan?

Okay. Go on. Go see santa.

Hey, ethan. Smile big for mommy.

You're just gonna Lie to my face

And stand here and take pictures With your cellphone?

In you go.

Hello, Ethan rakestraw.

How do you know My last name?

I know everything about you, Young ethan.

Come here.

Sit on my bony, Mite-covered lap.

I know that You pee in the shower,

And I know that You broke your sister's ipad,

And you said it fell.

Close the shed!

Close the shed!

Mommy!

You closed the door. I can't see my son anymore.

If you pay for the package, You can get a video

And you'll see everything Going on in there.

Why can't you just Leave the door open?

-it's gonna freak you out. -it's gonna what?

[ giggles ]

Oh, no, no, no. Krampus is feeling tired.

Wait. Wait, ethan.

Take a ruten bundle to remind You that I am always there.

Always watching.

Okay, ethan. We're gonna Go say hi to your mom, okay?

-mommy! -ethan?!

Come here! Come here, baby.

It's too late for ethan.

He's on the list.

He's on the list! [ giggles ]

That's the first kid today.

Where are all the children? I thought...

It's been A bit of a hard sell.

Um, did y'all get a permit To put up this shed?

I don't think we did.

[ krampus giggling ]

You mean to tell me A kid lies one time

And then He is put to death?

That is not a way To teach anybody anything.

I can't believe We actually have to

Abduct all these kids Tonight.

Jonas slocum?

That's my step-nephew!

[ giggles ]

Ohh...

Bring the list!

Bring the list! [ giggles ]

**

Do you think If I leave out the entire pie,

That santa will bring me

A knights of nebulon Pocket marauder?

Oh, kiddo, listen.

Hey, your mom's not a real big Fan of the knights of nebulon.

Or their war toys.

Maybe santa can Make an exception for...

No, geoff.

Santa reads the studies and He knows there's a direct link

Between fantasy violence And aggression in adults.

I promise I won't be an aggressive adult.

I wish that were true.

It's time to Hit the sack.

Oh, you'll hit the sack, All right.

My burlap sack! [ giggles ]

Can we agree That it's a coincidence

That the first person we're Visiting is gary's step-nephew?

Yeah, it seems weird.

We pulled names Out of a hat.

It's "Go" time.

Help me With my rusty bells.

How about we just swat him With the shoe this time?

Just give him a couple of Swippity-swaps with the shoe,

And that will show him Who's boss.

Young jonas Looked very plump tonight.

I bet The meat is marbled.

[ giggles ]

Fill the tub, minions!

We're gonna wait Until we get inside,

'cause we're gonna have to Turn it sideways

To get it Through the door.

What should I do?

Here.

I keep one of these around For emergencies.

What are you doing?!

So, you want me to, Like, shoot krampus?

Do you want to save Your step-nephew or not?

I mean, how many times a year Do I really see him?

Let's just see If he uses the shoe first.

All right, fine. I really don't care.

Just grab your end. Let's hurry up.

Bap! Bap! Got your ass, bitch!

Bap, bap!

All right, Let's do this.

[ krampus giggling ] I'm coming, buddy!

All right.

You in there?!

[ krampus giggling ]

Aw, man. The cart's gone.

Krampus kidnapped jonas.

Give me back my son!

Claude, look -- more ruten. Follow the ruten!

What's he doing Back at the mall?

What if he's still alive But krampus

Just has eaten Both of his feet?

What am I gonna Tell his dad then?

Look.

You're under arrest!

[ giggling ]

Jonas, jonas, you okay? You got both eyes?

You got your fingers?

Jonas, Did the hairy man bite you?

Uncle gary? I thought you were dead.

What I'm gonna need you to do Is not tell your dad

A single thing about this, Okay, big guy?

I want a knights of nebulon Pocket marauder.

All right, Let me get, like,

A trash can To bash in this window.

The blade Is not sharpened... Can I help you, sir?

...Tonight, we dine on The succulent meat of the...

He said he was tired

And he wanted to get His alcohol beer and go home.

Claude, That's not his home.

So we'll chop you Into little...

Claude: This is embarrassing.

He used to be able to Eat thousands of children

-in one night. -I will sue you so hard!

Should we be doing Something about this?

I mean... Let's just get out of here.

-let's bail. -you're hurting me!

You're hurting me!

Well, you're not Doing me any good, either.

We had a list With thousands of kids' names.

Thousands of names.

Are you telling me that He didn't drown one kid?

In all fairness, each one of Those kids got hit with a shoe.

We beat each one of those kids With a full-on shoe tornado.

Interesting.

Was that before or after Krampus went to jail

For assaulting a security guard With a giant novelty ax?

Just get him back to the castle, All right?

And shut this thing down. Shut the whole thing down!

This is the last time I'm Taking one of your dumb ideas.

Seems like It was your idea.

What was that, gar?

They said I am to be sentenced On the 17th.

Yeah, you don't have to Worry about that.

We're not gonna be coming back For that court date.

I got a whole vanload Of gamer kids

Just swollen with mountain dew, Like, right over there.

So come on. Let's go. [ giggles ]

Yeah, yeah.

They're right in there.

Just way in the back.

Gumphanickel, you lied!

Get in there!

[ engine turns over ]

Go, go, go! Burn it!

[ gasps ] Look, daddy! Look, mommy!

Look what Santa got me!

I got it, I got it!

I told you no, Geoff.

I didn't buy it.

Pow, pow! Ch-ch!

I killed you, mommy! I killed you, daddy! Ch-ch!

I guess it's some kind of Christmas miracle, huh, geoff?

Pow, pow! I killed you!

Pow! You're dead, mommy!

Maybe it is a miracle.

I killed everyone!