Original subtitles

[ insects buzzing ]

[ sighs ]

**

[ buzzing continues ]

[ sniffs ]

Oh, god.

[ barking ]

Cerberus!

Cerberus! [ whistling ]

[ snarling ] [ gasping ]

Put vc down! Put him down.

[ groaning ]

Good boy. Come here.

[ barking ] Come to daddy.

Yeah, good boy.

You are so pretty. Yes, you are.

Oh, you need a bath. Wow.

Yeah, you can smell it. Smell that, right?

It's like rancid.

Go back there And lick his butthole.

All right.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you, you, you. [ barking ]

Yeah, you like when He licks you, don't -- yeah.

What breed is he? Oh, he's mixed.

He's half me and half Some poor, unlucky labradoodle.

That's disgusting.

Gary, come here. Come here. You got to see him.

Oh, yeah. You want to kiss gary?

You want to -- Give him a kiss.

Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss.

No, no, you've been Licking my asshole.

Your beard reeks.

Give me a kiss. I'll kiss you.

He's so smart. Aren't you? Yes.

Aren't you smart? Yes, yes, I'm smart.

Yes, I'm smart.

I'm smart, too, I bet. Aren't you smart?!

Stop asking me Rhetorical questions.

What's cerberus doing here? Who's guarding the gate of hell?

Why don't you keep your hooked Nose out of our business, huh?

You left me shackled To that gate for 30 long years.

No one Ever comes to that gate.

I come to the gate. I'm there every day.

And I would have Chewed through your throat

If we didn't share The same circulatory system!

[ barking ] Hey, guys, guys, guys.

Who wants to play a game? Oh, go get it! Ooh!

Go get it. Stop! I don't believe He threw a ball.

I saw a ball, And we're getting the ball.

You know, I wanted a dog, But I don't think I like dogs.

I'm more of a cat person, I think.

I'll take care of him For you, satan.

A dog is a big responsibility, Claude.

I'll just feed him Some broken glass.

What is your problem?

We couldn't find the ball, Dad.

I guess that shifty heeb Over there sold it.

Yeah, right out From underneath our noses.

Check his pockets. What are you scheming, himey?

Sorry, claude. This one's A little anti-semitic.

I was scheming,

But it has nothing to do With my rich, proud heritage.

Key word -- rich.

Come on! Go! Go get it!

Ah, ah, You didn't throw a ball.

I did not. But it's over there!

I'm getting the ball. Go get it.

I want that ball. Go get it, cerberus.

There isn't a ball! Find that ball!

[ barking ] Find it. I could do this All day long.

[ laughs ]

Tie him to the gate When he comes back.

Cool.

You've got some dog shit In your teeth.

Where's dad? Where did he go?

Wherever is dad? He's gone, and he told you

To tie us to the gate again, Didn't he?

Didn't he?!

I'm not gonna do that to you, Buddy, okay?

Let me just tie you To this gate over here.

You chewed us. You've hornswoggled us.

I can't believe I let you lick my butthole

With that Lyin' tongue of yours!

Hey, what's this fence All about anyway?

This is just the gate Between hell and earth.

Man, though, Earth is pretty bitchin'.

You'd love it.

You don't even have to Open up this gate.

You could Probably just crash

Right through it, You're so huge.

[ screaming ]

**

[ hooves clopping ]

[ screaming ]

**

Aah! Seriously?!

Whoa! [ grunting ]

[ laughing ]

Is that...

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. We got to go back down.

Do you feel this grass? This is grass, right?

Yes, it is grass. Yes. The -- the ceiling is blue.

That is true. Hey, look over there. There's a dog with one head.

Freaking nerd!

[ barking ] [ laughs ]

Okay, okay, all right.

Satan is, like, pretty strict About this kind of stuff.

Like, he's gonna Rip off all my skin,

And he's gonna pour a bunch of Vinegar, like, into my muscles.

I'm gonna Pee on everything.

Earth is my territory now.

I want to bark At the doggie in the water.

It's a reflection. It's you, you idiot.

We look very similar.

I could see How you'd make that mistake.

Where are The fire trucks?

I should very much Like to hear some sirens.

Ooh! I want to try chocolate.

No, chocolate bad! Chocolate, yeah.

Chocolate bad. Bad chocolate. Bad chocolate. Are you daft?

Look, gary, speaking for me, I would l--

I want to...Be pretty.

Okay, I -- I said it. I want to be pretty.

Okay, all right.

If I let you Do this stuff,

Do you promise that you will Let me tie you to the gate

When we get back Down to hell?

Most definitely. Well, maybe.

You bet. Anything. We'll discuss it.

Aw, to hell with it.

I mean, He's gonna cut my feet off

And make me eat them anyway, So let's make a day of it.

Yes, yes. Hell, yes! Hot damn diggity!

**

Burn it in here, man. Let's see the high heat, yeah.

[ all barking ]

You've got to be careful With the frisbees.

[ barking ]

[ barking continues ]

No, cerberus! Cerberus! [ barking ]

You take your dog and Get the hell out of here now!

Get the hell on!

[ barking continues ]

Gary, we have been doing this For about an hour.

You got something better To do?

[ siren wailing ] That's what a siren sounds like?

Fire truck! They're more beautiful Than I ever could have imagined.

Whoo!

Boom!

[ laughter ]

Are there Kids in there?

**

[ laughs ] Yes!

You are Finally beautiful.

Now, Let's check it out.

Gary, I love it. I love it.

Can we make it puffier Up top?

Does this read That I'm a pretty dog?

And more bows. I'm a bigger dog, you know.

I think we need more bows. Judges like bows.

I feel like A technicolor trollop.

I'm not gonna lose points

Because of Your shitty temperament!

[ all barking ]

Guys, guys.

Bitches!

Let's go out there And show these guys

That three heads Are better than one.

Except when You're putting on a shirt.

Announcer: Next up is cerberus.

[ giggles ]

Are you nervous?

I'm nervous.

[ cheers and applause ]

Pointer is one of The oldest sporting breeds.

The development...

Man: double coat.

That wiry hair On the face protects it.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

Cerberus 1: Look at these dogs.

I bet every single One of them's jewish.

Huh, what do you think? There's a no way we win.

The dog-show world Is infested with jews.

He'll give the ribbon To one of these himey dogs.

Stop it. Stop that. Stop with the jew stuff, okay?

The jews Are wonderful people.

I mean, you got William shatner, and then --

Yeah, captain kirk beamed down To kill jesus, right.

Or it's the guy Who played picard.

Cerberus 2: No, he's from england.

He -- one of the people From "Star trek" is jewish.

All right, if we want to Win this auction thing,

You guys are gonna need to Stop hatin' and start relatin'.

What kind of dog Is this?

It's a poo-chin.

Hmm. It's my experience That poo-chins are small dogs.

You must not Have much experience,

Because this is a very rare Three-headed elephant poo-chin.

I suppose it'll have three Scrotums I'll have to clench.

[ chuckles ]

You go right ahead, You pervert.

Hmm, above average Testicular plumpness.

Thank you.

Sir, You have very soft hands.

Not that the jews are known For their manual labor.

Not that I'm racist. No, no.

Some of our finest entertainers Are, in fact, jewish.

Most of them. William shatner's jewish.

The holocaust Certainly was real, wasn't it?

I totally believe The holocaust...

Happened.

We all do. The whole family does, yeah.

Maybe not In the numbers they say --

You know The jewish mass media --

But I belive that it -- It happened.

To an extent.

Well, since this is the only of Its breed in the competition,

I think I could give A special participation ribbon.

Yes! Booya kasha!

-all right. Thank you. -how delightful!

However, I will have to deduct Points for the mouth stains.

Is this chocolate?

Yeah, gary bought me An easter bunny.

What did I tell you? Chocolate bad, chocolate bad.

No, no! It's an easter bunny!

It's like 90% air!

You idiot! Chocolate will kill us all!

He's seizing up! He's seizing up!

Somebody get a spoon!

Cerberus!

Okay, open your mouth. Throw it up!

No. It's too delicious.

We're in a room full of himeys, Not one doctor.

Don't you die on me. One, two, three, four, five.

Come on, damn it! Come on!

**

Satan's gonna kill m-e-e-e-e-e!

I got you, puppy. Hey, uh, claude!

Can you give me A second pair of eyes on this?

Okay, do you buy this? Buy it as what?

What does it look like to you, First impression?

It looks like a pony

And then two dead dog heads. I know it does.

Okay, I get it.

I feel like if you squint And, like, look at it,

You'd think, like, "Oh, cerberus is home."

Yeah, because, uh, Satan squints now.

He's just squinting And looking

Out of the corner of his eye, Right?

Do you have a spell, Like, some kind of wizardry

To turn it from a horse Into a dog?

Um... [ blows air ]

No.

That's A dumb-ass question.

Man, do you understand How much shit I'm in?

Do you understand? Do you see the situation?

Can I just -- You killed cerberus, though.

Because that -- Those are the real heads.

Now we are where we are... Right.

...And I need to Move forward with solutions.

And I agree with that.

I think lying to satan Is just gonna make it worse.

You're right.

Take a look At this little guy.

Aww, I love kittens. Right?

His name is waffles. Uh-huh.

He's very low-maintenance. He's a no-drama mama.

He poops in a box. Right.

You can just Leave food out for him.

He's certainly Better than a dog.

Oh, gary.

Maybe he can Guard the gate of hell.

Maybe he'll be so cute That people will think

There's, like, another thing Going on or something.

Yeah. Yeah-huh.

[ gags ]

[ slurps ]

[ coughs ]

[ sighs ]

I love kittens.

Uh...Where's cerberus?

Oh, there he is.

He's just been In the hallway.

Cerberus, You're funny, cerberus.

[ as cerberus ] Uh, crooked-nose -- Crooked-nose banker.

Your friend, I hate him.

He looks As healthy as a horse.

He's been here The whole time.

You buying it?