Original subtitles

When solstice lights And fire burns,

The devil's dong On earth returns,

And like drunk redskins Tomahawk,

Splitting witches On altar rock --

Drunk redskins tomahawk? Are you kidding?

This spell was obviously written In a different time.

And you wonder Why we have trouble

Attracting Witches of color.

Do you guys want me to summon The devil for an orgy or not?

All: yes.

Splitting witches Throughout the weekend...

Sweating like a bunch of...

Puerto ricans.

"Sweating like a bunch Of puerto ricans"?

Come on!

[ computer beeps ]

Oh...

Hey, gary? Think fast.

Oh, yeah. [ laughs ] Uh-huh.

Satan, You're in a good mood today.

It's the summer solstice, Baby.

Life is good.

Oh, claude? Claude?

Ooh. Go deep.

Coming to ya.

[ cheers ] Touchdown.

[ groans ]

Oh, my back.

I think I threw out my back.

Satan, are you okay?

No, no. I threw out my back.

Damn it.

I'm supposed to go topside This weekend

For the annual wiccan orgy.

I don't think I can do it now 'cause of my back.

Threw my back out. What am I going to do?

I...Have somebody Take my place?

And have sex with all Those women disguised as me?

That's crazy.

Pick me. I'll do it.

I'll do it, I'll do it.

Oh, you guys. Oh, I can't ask you to do that.

You should all go.

You should all go, 'cause, listen,

You guys are gonna have to plow These broads in shifts.

They have to think You're me.

So, whoever's slinging The yogurt

Has got to be wearing This head.

Gary, you do the honors.

Yeah! It's coming up gary!

I'm gonna be up to my eyebrows In some hot wiccan tail tonight

Oh, yeah, it's mostly aging Lesbians with wind chimes.

But you guys have fun! Hey, mosquito repellent.

Those things Will eat you alive out there.

Hey, satan, Are you gonna need help

With those golf clubs, 'cause of your back?

He hurt his back.

[ woman moaning ]

Oh! Oh, satan!

Ah, my knees, baby.

Damn, we should've got An air mattress

Or something Down here.

Well, we can do it closer To mother earth.

What, the pine needles?

Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, we done, girl.

I mean, You're a special lady, baby,

No doubt about it.

And I will be thinking About you. Come on.

Look, I made you something. I made it myself.

It's for you.

So sweet, Another wind chime.

Can you please tell Whoever's next

To bring me something Like a sweet tea.

Maybe a lemonade Or something like that.

You did a great job, Baby!

What's happening, guys?

Got some more witch crap.

Damn, this head stinks! Who got next?

I done already did Three in a row, man,

I ain't doing another one!

Guys, now, You guys have lost focus!

It's not about quality, It's about the quantity.

I have finally had sex

With as many women As I've lied about.

All right, wilt chamberlain, You've got the midnight shift.

All right. [ laughs ]

Good gravy!

[ rock music plays ]

Ooh.

Man, give this here.

No. No, no, no.

Shh! Shh! Shh! Guys!

Seriously.

Now, are you prepared For my diabolical seed?

[ both laughs ]

All right.

Can I take Your codpiece off?

You probably should.

Okay.

Oh, it's happening.

Oh.

Ohh! Oh.

[ grunting, groaning ]

Oh, well.

The juice is loose!

Oh.

It's okay.

It's okay. Really.

Ah, Satan wanted to do that,

So that we could have A conversation first.

So, are you in From out of town,

Or did you -- You live near the orgy?

Well, I came in From san diego, but --

San diego is a beautiful And temperate city.

**

I've never made out With somebody

With a tongue ring before And...

I give it five out of five Toaster strudels.

Um, satan?

Where? What? What?

Ha, you're funny.

[ laughs ] Is that funny?

-yeah. -I'm him.

What is hell like?

It's way less cool Than kissing each other?

Oh.

Yoo-hoo.

Gloria! You stop cutting in line!

You already got some.

You don't get A double dickin'.

I-I should really go.

Do you like flapjacks?

'cause we're gonna go get Some flapjacks right now.

I can read your mind And know for a fact

That you have never had Fat mike's flapjacks.

Don't take the head!

Do not take the head!

No, I haven't. We need the head!

[bleep]

[ ducks quacking ]

**

I like you, like, a lot.

[ chuckles ]

I like you a lot!

[ both laugh ]

You are not at all What I expected.

Thanks.

You looked...Better In the bible.

I mean, there was no pictures, So how would you know?

But there's portraits.

I chose...This sort of, Like, approachable, doughy,

Commercial-husband form Just to not terrify you.

Could I maybe see Something taller?

Or grow some thorns On your penis?

Uh, madison, okay, Um, hypothetical --

If I wasn't satan, Who I totally am [chuckles]

We would still have What we have, right?

Mm...No. [ chuckles ]

Why would you Ask me that?

[ deep voice ] 'cause I was testing you!

Now you will make out With me again! I command it!

[ normal voice ] And then we can get ice cream.

[ chuckles ] Yeah.

Satan, honey!

[ singsong voice ] I'm not wearing panties!

What do we do?!

We got to get that head, That's what.

Guys, I just ripped The head off this squirrel,

And I'm thinking maybe If we could just, you know,

Like a-a -- I don't know.

What the hell Is wrong with you?

I-I was blue skyin' This thing,

And it seemed right At the time, but --

Vera: satan, honey!

[ chuckles ] Yeah. It is funny thinking about it.

Oh.

Gary, you got Frozen dessert drinks?!

Who are these guys?

There are imposters In our midst!

Trees, seize them!

Aah!

No, no. Don't seize me.

I am satan.

Isn't that right, madison?

He told me He took that form.

Dear, sweet, Naive madison.

Why would anybody choose To look like that? Hmm?

It's to lower People's expectations,

And then You can surprise them.

I'm only into bad boys.

I can be a bad boy! Watch this!

You're a bitch! You bitch!

I'll kill a dog for you!

Madison! Oh, my god. Is this poison ivy?

Yes. Okay, So, where is he, huh?

Um...

Satan had an injury With his back

And an important meeting.

[ sighs ] Oh, god!

Oh, bullshit!

Oh! I should have known!

He was so distant Last year --

On the phone the entire time I was tonguing his asshole.

You know What I'm gonna do, satan, honey?

I am going to Make these woods echo

With the screams Of your little demon friends!

[ crying ] You jerk!

[ sobbing ]

All: yikes.

[ laughter ]

Guess satan dodged a bullet With that one.

Wow.

Here is a spell Of succubus seduction.

Yeah, This should get satan back.

Not that I care.

But this requires The testicle of a minotaur.

A demon's testicle Should work.

Could we maybe substitute A cherry tomato?

Some of us are vegan.

Ladies.

Madison, I know that you're hurt,

But I just want to make it clear That I'm legit.

Claude has a phone Between his legs.

You got to go get it. Man, what the hell --

Why?

I need to cut off One of your testicles.

What was that?

Relax. We're not gonna eat it.

We're just gonna grind it Into a powder for a potion.

It'll make our hair look Lustrous and shiny.

Hey, you know What else does that?

Conditioner does that.

It's $3 at the pharmacy. [ chuckles ]

Oh! [ groans ]

Got it.

Wait!

I demand A trial of the judgening!

The trial Of the judgening?

What is that again?

It's on my phone on, uh, Witchipedia, the wiccan wiki.

Right there. It's faved.

"One demon can choose To compete

In three challenges Of his choosing.

If he wins, All the demons get to go free."

I know.

Could you maybe have figured That out

Before they cut my balls off?!

-go! -go, claude!

-he's gonna drop it. -you got this, claude.

-you don't have it. -keep going.

-you own it. -you don't have it.

Gary: yeah, keep that back Straight, claude!

Yeah, you got this!

[ indistinct shouting ]

Gary: no, pick it up. Claude, pick it up!

You have five seconds. You have five -- claude?

Claude.

He's getting in a car.

[ car door closes, engine revs ]

What the hell Is going on here?

You let one get away?

We did the trial Of the judgening.

Well, it -- It's in the witchipedia.

This was added an hour ago By that demon.

So, we shouldn't "Take all demons named gary,

Pull out his fingernails. Bababooey."

"Bababooey."

[ chuckles ] Dummies.

You are going to provide Every ingredient

For every beauty spell In this book.

And then, later tonight,

We are gonna fly our brooms Up all of your asses.

We'll see if that doesn't Bring your precious satan.

It won't.

-watch out, watch out! -ohh!

[ exclaiming ]

[ laughs ]

[ sighs ] He's not coming, is he?

No.

Claude!

Gah! Raah!

[ groans ]

Hey. There he is.

Hey. Hey. How you doing?

[ chuckles ] -how's the orgy?

[ muffled ] It was pretty good.

What happened To your tongue?

Oh, it's sore.

Oh. Oh! I know what that's about.

Once you dive in, you are Down there for hours, right?

-[ chuckles ] -hey, you up for next year?

-hmm? -next year? The orgy?

Thumbs up. Give me a thumbs up.

Yeah. Let's go. Thumbs up.

-[ chuckles ] -thumb up.

Hey. Did you just flip me off?

-no. -no? You sure?

Oh, no. Unh-unh. No.

Hey, you know what? Why don't you sweep up Around here, huh?

[ chuckles ]

Thanks, buddy.

Yeah, It looked like it.