Original subtitles

**

Big n wide!

Need you down At publishing asap.

Having a book drive.

Shane, leo, You're booked, too.

Aw, shit.

**

Behold. "The bad book" is back.

So, we're trotting out The necronomicon again.

No, claude.

This is the new-cronomicon.

What I did is I spiced up The ancient text a little bit,

And, I, uh -- I added A teenage-romance angle,

And then I just sprinkled in

Some werewolves, Some vampires. It's --

So, is it available On ipad and kindle?

No, just flesh.

Well, if you send me a file, I can convert --

Why don't you convert this, Claude?

[ screams ]

[ screams ]

That's what I'm talking about! Damn straight!

Now partner up, demons! You're going topside in 20!

Claude, you and me?

Uh, sorry, gar.

I'm already Paired up with...

Eddie, Do you have a partner?

No.

I'm already paired up With eddie.

We're together.

Oh, uh, looks like modok

Doesn't have a partner.

Modok!

Modok!

Modok!

Gary, why don't you, uh, partner Up with modok, all right?

But don't look him In the eye.

It's a sign of aggression.

Modok can't read!

You wanted some diversity Down here.

I brought Some of these cave people.

We wanted women.

It's not his fault He died a million years

Before jesus christ Was born.

How's that sun god Working out for you, modok?

Modok! Modok!

I said how's that sun --

[ laughing ] He can't understand A thing I'm saying.

He's great. [ grunts ]

And, gentlemen, Uh, one last thing --

Do not open the book.

'cause once you start Reading it, you cannot stop.

It literally sucks you in.

Everybody grab a box!

Head to the hell mouth!

**

Shh!

[ retching ]

Shh, shh! Shh, shh!

[ growling ]

[ groans ]

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, I'm afraid Of heights.

Hey, this is A really high shelf.

I found what I needed. Thank you.

[ doorbell rings ]

[ moaning ]

No, thanks.

Hi. We're from the church Of latter day saints,

And I wanted to see If you'd be interested

In the mormon bible.

Is that hair?

Y-yeah. That's a scrotum. I'm so sorry.

He's a fresh copy.

[ grunts ]

Modok!

Modok! Modok! Ma'am, I need you to hear me out!

Modok!

Modok, please, Get your hands off

The azalea bushes, All right?

Listen, I just need you Not to do anything.

I need you Not to say anything.

I need you to take That necktie off your head

And put it around your neck Like a mormon, all right?

Let's do this. We got more places to hit.

Modok book read.

No! No, no, no.

Modok, it's bad. Book is bad, okay?

Modok no read book.

That's right. Now you're getting it.

Gary read book. Gary read book.

No. Read book, gary.

No. Specifically, We were told --

Read book! Read book! Read book!

No! [ sobs ] Stop it!

Stop hitting me, All right?

I'll read one. I'll read one page.

"Meet anna francelica,

A girl on the verge Of her 18th birthday,

When teenage girls Are made illegal,

And love is on the run."

That's a hell of a hook.

Hey, bro, big red --

He don't like You reading the book, man.

Yeah, We're not gonna read it.

We might skim it.

Gary: "The sign loomed over Her lithe frame.

It read 'banishment island Straight ahead'

In bold, block letters.

Anna francelica sighed.

She knew today, She was to turn 18 --

The day that she'd become An enemy of the state."

Whoa!

Clarissa mean.

Jax mate with anna, No clarissa.

I know, But what are you gonna do?

Jax is a vampire.

Anna's father Hunts vampires.

We learned that In chapter six.

What happen next?

No.

What happen next, Gary?

No, modok.

We have been over this.

What happen next?

No!

What happen next?

I will not be pushed again.

What happen next?

What happen next?!

What happen next?! What happen next?!

I do not appreciate Your tone.

What happen next?!

No, modok, I need you to calm down

Before we can have A conversation.

What happen next?!

Modok, modok -- What happen next?!

Okay, you know what?

All right. Okay.

We will read up until The fish monster would come out,

Okay, And that's it, all right?

[ laughs ] That makes you happy.

I want to read it, too, Anyway.

I'm telling you, man,

You have no idea What's inside me right now.

"The rise Of wolfgang rage-kiss."

Who wolfgang rage-kiss?

I don't know.

[ screams ]

[ both screaming ]

"Jax and anna laid together In the straw,

Their naked limbs intertwined."

What are they talking about? You lie together.

You don't lay together. Who proofed this thing?

Well, I took "Lay" to mean They both got laid, you know?

No man is gonna read this.

It's just gonna be a bunch

Of middle-aged housewives In hell now. [ glasses clinking ]

And that's a bad thing?

He told me I wouldn't be able To put it down.

I'm literally Putting it down.

[ ringtone plays ]

Yeah?

Gary: claude, Thank god I caught you.

I got sucked into the book --

I don't care. [ cellphone beeps ]

Claude, claude?

[ both screaming ]

All right! Okay, okay!

We all work For the same people.

Here. Take a look at my badge.

[ retractable belt zipping ]

Oh, why did you read The book?

Didn't they explicitly state Not to read the book?

Oh!

Oh, so we're in Necro-merica right now?

Mm-hmm.

So that's where The teenage girls are sent

When they are made illegal?

Yes.

What the...

Came as fast as I--

[ grunts ]

[ grunting ]

Modok.

Modok, modok!

That's jax longstraw!

That's jax longstraw! He's the hero.

Jax?

Yeah, it's jax.

No.

[ cries out ]

Jax was supposed to Meet anna right here tonight

At the apex of the two moons Of gondor.

When is that exactly?

Anna: [ echoing ] Jax?

Jax, where are you?

Aw, shit.

[ knock on door ] Woman: Vomit and vomit and vomit.

It's not one of my books.

Man: baptist church officials

Have organized A book barbecue

To deal with the offensive, Mysterious flesh books.

And if you've got any rap cds That talks about butts

Or copies of judy blume's "Superfudge,"

We'll burn those for you, As well.

[ knocking continues ]

We just wasted our time. Help me make the bed.

My god! Gary's in one of those books!

[ knocking continues ]

Stop knocking! We're still cleaning!

Jax, are you there?

[ deep voice ] Hey.

Who are you? Where's jax?

My name's Max steelcastle.

I'm the new boy In school.

This is my friend, Modok...Furcastle.

[ normal voice ] And he's gonna Put that log down right now.

Right, modok? Put that log down, modok.

[ deep voice ] He's also new at school.

W-we come From different families.

You know, We're not a package deal.

I take care of him 'cause he's deaf.

[ ringtone plays ] Sun god!

It's just a phone, modok! Sun god!

It's just a phone.

[ cellphone beeps ] Ha! Screw your ass. [ laughs ]

Why are you wearing Jax's letter jacket?

[ deep voice ] Uh, because I was Chilly and he's a cool guy.

And, also, The estrogoths abducted him.

We must go save him From the estrogoths.

No, no, no. I'm sorry. I meant to say that he's dead.

He's dead. His body's over there.

-jax! -no, no, no, no. Wait, no.

Wait. Anna, no.

He's under leaves.

He's -- he's asleep With the flower babies.

But he said Right before he died that, uh,

I'm supposed to Make out with you.

But the prophesy said That we would be together for--

I know, I know.

That's the old prophesy, And it's dumb.

I just don't know.

I have All these young-adult,

Yet still teenage, Mixed-up emotions.

Hey, It's gonna be all right.

What happens next in the book That I should do?

It's ruined at this point.

[ ringtone plays ]

What is it, claude?

They're burning the books, gary, With you in them!

Big queso: eddie, over here!

I'm in the pile, And I got gary in me!

[ screaming ]

It's raining gas!

The estrogoths Have found me!

No, no, no, no. They're just southern baptists.

They're a little weird.

[ screaming ]

[ both grunting ]

Allow me to read a snippet

From this defiled, Deviant skin-back.

Someone's about to read Chapter 13.

We can all get out On wolfgang's back.

Anna, grab my hand!

Oh, sure. Everyone wants to Be with me now.

Where were you In seventh grade?

"The rise of wolfgang --"

[ screaming ]

[ all screaming ]

Anna. Huh!

Are you okay, baby?

[ laughs ]

Oh, my god!

It's a demon! Get him!

[ dramatic music playing ]

[ screaming ]