Original subtitles

Gary: pretty certain Somebody farted in the lemonade,

Which is actually a relief

'cause it wasn't Straight pee-pee.

You know, the fart kind of added A sort of spicy end to it,

Which is pretty good.

-todd: gary! -todd?

Oh, you got to get me Out of here, man!

-you got to help me, please! -all right! Sloppy todd tuesday.

[ crying ] Gary!

* sloppy todd tuesday, Gary's favorite day *

William! [ laughs ]

I love you, william!

Sheila.

True love Will always find you!

[ laughs ]

Whoo-hoo! See you later, suckers!

[ grunts ]

All right, all right. Nothing to see.

It's over.

What just happened?!

True love, all right?

So, everyone just, uh, Go back to your sloppy todds.

Is he gone? Like, gone gone.

True love Can get us out of here?

Yeah.

-I can't believe that. -hey, hey.

Listen, listen. Yeah, I've been in love A million times.

It's a big deal, okay?

'cause they've got to, like, Crawl through a tree stump

And beat up a troll And then, like,

Swim through A bunch of throw-up. It's --

I had a girlfriend who said That she truly loved me,

Um, but that she wasn't, like, In truly, like, love with me.

And then she had complications With her car.

And the steering wheel Was all wonky.

She was [bleep] Your brother jeff.

-yeah. -yeah.

Yeah, I found out About that later. Uh, no, benji.

A boy that you raped Doesn't count.

-nice try, though. -aw.

Come on. I got other stories.

I got longer stories.

You pathetic shits Actually think

That there's someone up there That loves you, truly loves you?

All right.

I'm gonna give you assholes 48 hours at the surface.

-yeah! -go to the top.

See how much true love There is for you up there.

Go find it!

Gentlemen's weekend In thailand!

**

* I know you think there's Something wrong in my -- *

Where are you going?

Oh, um, hey, did you see My other penny loafer up there?

I hid it in the ceiling

So you wouldn't leave Without saying goodbye.

Want to go get breakfast Or something? Uh...

Wait, did you Just look at her? Who?

Oh, you think She's prettier than me.

There's literally No one here.

Was I just a one-night stand To you?!

What? We didn't even hook up!

I'm killing myself Because I truly love you!

No. Don't do that, Joanne.

Joanna!

I-I was gonna say that. You cut me off.

That's rude on your part.

I know I might be wrong To leave, but that's rude.

It doesn't matter anymore.

No -- oh.

Oh.

Oh. Are you -- Are you okay?

[ groans ]

You're good.

She's good.

**

What the hell Are we doing here, gary?

I got my earth friend Showing up,

And he's gonna hook us up.

-what's up, gare bear? -gregatron!

[ laughter ]

-you got a little sunburn, bro? -whoo! Gregatron!

[ both laugh ]

Looks like you brought Your book club.

Well, sharpen your pencils, Nerds.

You're about to get Schooled.

Got this stuff from my work.

Yeah. Okay, am I handsome? Am I handsome?

How do I look?

Hey, partner.

I've got some pogs here In my pocket.

You guys Still like pogs?

Gross, benji! It's gary!

Oh, sorry, gary. Didn't know you were in there.

[ chuckles ] I just was feeling a connection.

Hey. How's it going, joanne?

A -- joanna.

Joanna.

That's what I said.

Remember me?

Yeah, claude, I-I remember.

You don't have a limp, Do you?

You got all those texts I sent From the hospital, right?

My phone had a virus.

Malware.

But I tried To send you texts

For the last eight years, Joanna.

I just happened to have made A bunch of jell-o shooters.

Claude's famous formula. Remember?

I remember.

I remember a lot of things About that night, and...

I'd like them not to be Memories anymore.

I'd like them to be Present-tense happenings.

Hmm.

There, uh...

There aren't many, Uh, women where I'm from.

Oh, that's weird.

[ chuckles ] What do you do?

Um, retail.

Oh. You know who's got a tail?

No.

The devil!

Eddie, eddie, eddie, eddie. I'm from hell. I'm doing very good, okay?

No, you're not. I can see from across the room.

Okay, listen, all right?

You're talking too much About yourself.

Ask her questions About herself.

Hey, lady, You want some tater tots?

All right. Okay.

-see? -don't.

-she said no. -what are you doing?

But I learned something About her.

You're doing it wrong. Look at her.

Now, that girl Is lonely and desperate.

I want you to go over there And crush her self-esteem

So she feels like garbage,

And then she'll think You're the champ.

Yeah.

You got your peacock on?

Yeah!

Um...

I was gonna do, um...

-I'm tater-tots-in-my-ears guy. -no.

-how about this? -no way.

Now get over there And make daddy proud.

[ snaps ]

Hey. What's up?

Hey.

Your breath Stinks like shit.

Yeah.

And you got orange teeth Like you've been chewing

On those cut-rate Corn chips, huh?

What, are you too poor To afford the good ones? Oh [bleep] You.

What did my twin brother Just tell you?

-[ scoffs ] -he is so rude.

Let me get you away From this man.

You made me insult a woman.

[ moaning ]

No. No, leave it. Leave it.

No, no. Take your shirt off.

Get dirty. Get dirty.

No. I --

Okay, now, there's something I should tell you.

It's not a physical thing with Me, you know? It's emotional.

I'm listening to you. I'm interested!

I'm interested in you! I want to know --

-hey, I want to know -- -I have a rape whistle.

Well, I have a whole rape guitar At my apartment.

I don't put tater tots In my ears,

And I'm not a lesbian.

I thought it was a man scarf!

Men are wearing scarves now.

Okay, mom, one more time -- There's a tree stump in germany.

In europe.

Yeah. Yes. Yes.

'cause germany is in europe. You remember!

[ both chuckle ]

And you have to get To this tree stump,

And it is guarded By a very aggressive troll.

Do I have to drive On the wrong side of the road?

Yes.

Yes! Yes!

Of course you will. Yes!

[ keyboard clacking ]

What are you doing?

I e-mailed Father benson, and...

Why did you do that? ...And he said That this was not a good idea

To go to hell. That's a surprise.

You could be the devil now.

Down there, mom, They make a knife come alive,

And it crawls up Inside of me, all right?

For days.

And it goes in and out, In and out, okay?

But your love Will get me out of there.

[ smooches ]

[ sighs ]

Okay, dear.

Yeah! Gary!

All right. Come on! Let's do this!

We got to get you a gun. [ claps ]

[ train horn blaring ]

Joanna.

I have to go, But I...

Love you.

Oh!

And I would walk 500 miles For your weird body.

But hell's even further away Than that, baby.

Wait. But you said There's a tree in germany,

And I have -- true love Comes to get you out...

Don't try to come after me. It's too damn dangerous.

But at the same time, The troll you'd have to attack

Is very easily defeatable.

It's very old.

Oh, it's pulling. I love you!

-ohh! -oh, god, no!

[ roaring ]

[ weakly ] Aah!

Tranquilizer darts. For the troll. What? Oh.

Just in case you decide to. No pressure, but...

[ roars ]

[ screams ] The fire burns through my heart!

I'm dragging you To hell!

Oh, god!

Oh, claude!

[ sobbing ]

That was great, eddie!

I felt good!

I think the roars Really sold it.

Mom, I got you an oven mitt, I got you a knife,

I got you a snorkel For the river of vomit,

I got you nunchucks For the troll,

And I got you This cool karate stick.

It's a kabotu war staff, And it's mine.

Mom is at church.

She asked me To come talk to you.

Geoff, this has got nothing To do with you, man.

You asked A 70-year-old woman

To dig into hell... -yeah.

...To fight a troll.

If she falls again, We could be talking hospice.

Wait, wait, wait.

What about a brother's Love, geoff?

It's step-brother. What's happening to your legs?

Nothing, nothing. No big deal.

I love you.

Look, You're a neat guy, gary.

I'm taking your stupid Bow staff. It's a curtain rod.

You suck, geoff!

Well, well, well, Welcome back, boys.

I cannot wait to meet Everybody's true loves.

I told that bat you better Eat your wheaties this week.

Oh, and I have a live video feed From that tree in germany.

-[ snoring ] -oh, boy.

Doesn't look like The troll's been too busy, huh?

Taking a little nap.

Or...He was drugged.

Claude! True love will find you!

That's my ride, Losers.

You don't deserve it!

See ya later, dicks!

No!

Gah! You don't deserve it!

**

[ door closes ]

Hello, my love. How was your day?

Help!

Help you?

I'm the one who needs help With all these groceries,

You silly lazy bones.

Uh-oh.

Looks like somebody Had an accident.

[ sobbing ] You were gone so long!

I couldn't hold it in!

You shut up! You shut up! Ow! It burns!

Do you want to watch "How I met your mother"? Yes, dear!

Did you even play With your toys?

I bought you those toys,

And you don't even play With them!

I'm playing with it!

I'm playing with it!

You don't appreciate Anything I do for you!

I love you.

[ canned laughter ] [ laughing ] How do they even do it?

[ chuckles ] Yeah.

Oh, god, that barney!

After this, You are gonna get hard

And give me a baby.

I'm just gonna turn up The volume on the tv

So we can hear all the spots Where we're supposed to laugh.

Wait, but, sweetie, I have the remote right here.

Aah!

[ glass shatters ]

[ gasps ]

Get back here!

Satan, let me just start off By saying

I am so sorry, okay?

You know, I was really pulling For you guys, claude.

I had no say in the matter.

You know I would never Do anything to hurt you. No, I know.

'cause she made you flip me off And say, "See ya, dicks."

She made me say, "See ya, dicks."

S-she's got a power Over me.

Joanna: claude, honey! Where are you, babe?

Oh, crap.

Oh, looks like true love Has found you again, claude.

Oh, I see your ass Under that table.

Get up here!

I think we need Some time apart!

I swam through A river of shit for you!

Joanna! Joanna! I'm over here! I love you!

Yeah, he's great!

No! True love Is forever claude!

-gotcha! Whoo! -aah!

* 'cause someday, This'll all be gone *