Original subtitles

I may be a magician,

But our soldiers Do the real magic

Keeping us safe from terror.

And after a long week Of illusionating,

I like to spend time With the veterans

And give a little something Back.

What's your name, son?

Jimmy.

Jimmy.

And how'd you lose Your legs, jimmy?

Gulf war? Vietnam?

Diabetes.

Diabetes.

The most american disease There is.

Now, I bet you served Your country proudly, though,

Didn't you, jimmy?

Yes, sir.

And I bet You'd give anything

To stand up and salute That there flag one more time.

Lot of things I miss --

Saluting that flag, though, Right?

That's number one. [ slaps thigh ]

That's number one on the list. I'm gonna help you with that.

Ma'am! Ma'am!

You support the troops, Don't you?

Well, yeah, But I'm just here running.

Hey. It's only Gonna take a second, okay?

You stand right there. Oh.

And I need you to relax. Okay.

This is only gonna take A second.

Oh. Ooh!

Okay. Breathe in for me, amy.

Kapoohame! [ screaming ]

[ laughs ]

[ sobbing loudly ]

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

For all that you have done For this country,

Cop a hand!

Now, I want you to stand up.

I can't stand So good.

Oh! How did he do that?!

It's called Computer effects.

I know what a computer is, Claude.

Do you, gary? Then what is it?

It's a typewriter With porn in it.

No, it's real.

I gave him four years Of real magical powers.

Only four years For his immortal soul?

And he needed five for his Tv show to be syndicated.

I'm such an asshole.

[ laughs ] You are a [bleep] Asshole.

[ laughs ]

I respect you.

Anyway, his contract's up, And he wants to renegotiate.

So, pack your bags, boys. We're going to vegas.

Vegas? Seriously?

Yeah!

[ big band music plays ]

* hey, over there

* you with the pretty hair...

Satan: hey.

Jett. Wake up.

Oh, hey!

Just don't go anywhere Near him! [ jett grunts ]

Don't touch me.

I made an old gal disappear, And I can't get her back.

I mean, did you have to make My powers go away

In the middle Of a ding-dang show?

Four years Was the ding-dang deal, jett.

[ groans ] Should've kept A day planner.

I can't even go back To three-card monte after this.

My -- my career's In the shitter.

Did you put your savings

In a low-cost index fund As I had suggested?

I bet it all On a basketball game!

It's time to come home, Jett.

Maybe you got some sleeping Pills to take with that booze.

Let's go. No.

No, no, no.

I just need One more month of magic.

That's it. Just one more month.

I got to leave something For my kids!

One more month. [ crying ]

I want one more soul.

[ gasps ]

One of your kids. Come on!

I only got the two!

Claude: and your wife.

Price just went up.

Oh, yeah.

And your cleaning woman, As well.

And I'd also like some merch

Because I'm really Starting to think

That bobbleheads Is a cool collection.

Satan: gary!

**

All right, Sign here, dakota.

Right here? All right.

I just want you To initial there.

Jett: yeah. I want to sign.

No.

Not you, south dakota.

You're good, You understand me?

You're not signing anything, Baby.

You're my precious, Little boy.

Did you sign that? Yeah.

Okay. My precious, Precious boy -- Woman: honey.

Why does this talk About our immortal soul?

Baby, don't read that. It's just life insurance.

You know how them Pinheaded lawyers are.

"In the known universe,"

"In perpetuity," Blah, blah, blah.

It just says that The cleaning lady has to sign,

So I just didn't -- Hey, what can I say?

She's like family to me. Right? She is.

I want to have an umbrella Of safety for everyone.

As promised, satan. There you go.

Oh! Where'd it go?

Where'd it go? You guys got it? Where'd it go?

Hey, why don't you check The fruit basket?

You like bananas, Don't you, monkey?

[ laughter ]

[ gary imitates monkey hooting ]

Oh! Copperhead!

That's amazing. That's not bad.

[ laughter ]

How's that looking? Looking okay?

Yeah, This all looks good.

Uh, who's got a pen? Anybody got a pen?

I don't have a pen. Pen? No?

Oh, I think I know Where one is.

[ grunts ] Dipstick!

[ laughs ] Whoa. Looks like you're a quart low.

[ sniffs ]

Whoo!

Coming in!

Yeah! Jett copperhead!

How you doing?

Now, sir, You hate black people.

Is that correct?

No, no, no. No, that's not true.

No, no, no. [ laughing ] Oh.

Come on, sir. No, no, no.

You flying With the jett now.

Do you hate black people?

Well...

Just a little. I mean, you know, the bad ones.

[ audience gasps ] Just the bad ones.

Oh!

I guess You're gonna have to learn

How to hate yourself.

Copperhead! Whoo-hoo!

Yeah. [ laughs ]

It looks like you just found Yourself some rhythm.

Gary: He's gonna end racism.

What?

He can make you Any color, man.

So, you don't like To be chinese anymore?

Boom, boom, boom.

He makes you white.

That's racist.

It ends racism. He makes everybody the same.

No.

...If they have A lactation room!

Whoo-wee!

Oh, snap! Oh, snap!

Looks like junior's got Dad's phone.

Oh, and he's sending mama A text.

Check your phone, mama. Are you receiving a text?

Yes. "Goo, goo, gah, gah.

Can I borrow the keys To the car?"

Get that [bleep] Cellphone Out of my wife.

[ laughs ]

Yeah!

[ sighs ] As I'm sure we all know,

My tv show Recently got canceled.

[ audience boos ] It's okay.

I mean it. It's fine.

But listen.

The reason it got canceled You may not know about.

Now, some big-city liberals,

They'll tell you, "Hey, he ain't real."

But I'm here to tell you That he is.

I think It's gonna be a dragon.

And I think y'all know Who I'm talking about...

Or a gorilla. That'd be sweet.

No, no. Jett, don't do it.

Don't!

Speak of the devil! Whoo!

I got me satan

And two of his little goblins In a cage!

Do not be alarmed,

For this cage is lined With christian crosses

To help us double cross The ultimate double crosser.

Gary, gary, Stop touching it.

I need you to say with me. "Give jett his soul back."

Come on! Give jett his soul back!

Rock the cage. We're gonna flip it over.

Okay. We're going this way.

[ all grunting ]

[ audience chanting ] Give jett his soul back!

Yee-haw!

Jett!

Now the crosses Are upside down.

[ audience screams ] Shit.

I didn't know That that was a thing.

Yeah. It's a thing.

[ audience screams ]

Goodnight, everybody. Wait a second! My bobblehead!

Oh, no!

Satan wants us to skin you... And turn you inside out...

[ groans ]

...And add a bunch Of nerve endings to you,

So you're gonna feel what we're About to do to you even more.

Yeah, I understand. That makes sense. Sure.

But can I ask you One question

Before I stick this In your penis?

How did you put boobies On a man?

Just a little thing Called misdirection.

What?!

How did you do that?!

Claude: doesn't matter How he did it! Claude!

Fix it! Do something!

[ laughs ] I can't even.

[ retching ]

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! My nuts!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

What's up?

Oh, we had him.

We had him for a little bit, But then...

He asked you to volunteer, Didn't he?

Yeah. Yeah.

And I did. I wanted to be in the show.

You know, but then I don't think he's coming back.

I don't think he's gonna finish This trick.

Jett: whoo-wee!

You can stop looking for me, Fellas.

I'm a ghost.

[ laughs ]

Hyah!

It says he'll possess Ultimate powers of deception

Through death.

No, no, no. No, no. "Until death."

The clause always says Until death.

Yeah, "Until" was crossed out And changed to "Through."

It's initialed.

Are you telling Me this backwoods idiot

Has powers equal to mine,

And there's nothing I can do about it?

I'm saying -- excuse me --

[ gags ]

[ gary laughs ]

Don't touch it. Don't touch it. Don't touch it.

There's no strings.

[ jett laughs ]

We got two egg heads over easy, Don't we?

[ laughs ] I'm gonna find you, You idiot!

[ gags ]

Do you want me To go get the nurse?

So many scarves!

[ laughs ]

Get the family! Get the kids!

Get both the kids.

All right, jett!

I've got your wife And both your kids.

I am gonna dump your family In the lava --

We also have Your cleaning woman.

And you're gonna need To get another.

Your house is gonna get All dirty, and you're gonna --

All right, jett! You leave me no choice!

Claude --

Jett: Okay, all right! Fine!

What?

Do it.

Oh, we -- We are doing it.

Do it. We're doing it.

I hope you do.

We are! Good!

Gonna happen. Do it.

We're gonna do it.

Okay.

We're doing it. Yeah, do it.

We're -- We're doing it!

Do it.

Claude -- Do it.

We-- we're doing it.

Good. We're already doing it.

Do it. Don't do it.

We're doing it! I just -- we got to --

Do you want me to do it?

We're doing it!

Do it. Do it?

Do it. Jett: do it.

Watch your step. Come on, guys.

Don't worry. It's fake.

Just go. Aah!

All right, buddy. Life's an illusion.

All right. Hey! Come on, south dakota.

There you go. Aah!

Phew.

You watch. Jett: do it.

It's gonna happen.

I, uh, murdered the boys And the mother.

Why?

[ laughs ] You just told me to.

I got nothing! I was bluffing!

Oh!

Hey, beelzeboob.

I never wanted kids In the first place!

[ laughs ]

We still have His precious cleaning woman.

Que sucio.

Oh, god. Get her ass out of here.

All right, quit it. Quit it.

It's supposed to be dirty. Come on.

[ elevator bell dinging ]

So, yo quiero --

Like, you -- yo quiero... To, um,

You know What I'm trying to say?

Yo quier-- Do you like to clean, eh?

Do you like to clean, eh?

[ laughs evilly ]

Oh, shit! What happened to her?!

What did you do to her?! What did you do?!

Rosalina?!

[ sighs ]

[ screaming ]

Press the down button, Please.

I can't stop screaming! I can't stop screaming!

Who am I gonna be?

Who am I -- who am I gonna be?

Who am I gonna --

[ dinging continues ]

I think I'm me.