Original subtitles

Benji: mmm!

That beef jerky sure looks good, Doesn't it, jimmy?

Look at that Filthy immigrant

Fiddling With his herbal cigarettes.

Why not just slip it In your pants?

Who's going to know?

**

It's like taking beef jerky From a baby,

Or in this case, A convenience store.

And you're in and out

Before that pesky angel Even got a word in edgewise.

What did I miss?

Too little, too late, Goody two shoes.

[ laughs ] "What did I miss?"

More like everything.

-stupid angel. -shh!

What?

It's easy when you remember These simple steps.

Just use the acronym "T.E.M.P.T.U.R.D.T.S."

"T" -- teleport.

"E" -- evaluate.

This guy wants that jerky, But he doesn't have the money.

M.P. -- make a plan.

I'm gonna tell this guy To put that jerky in his pants.

"T" again -- tell the plan.

Put that jerky In your pants.

"U" -- up-sell.

Hey, wouldn't it be fun

To bind, torture, And kill that guy?

That way, you have All the jerky you want

And that beer.

We'll get him next time.

"R" -- remember to always Stay on the right shoulder,

Which is the left shoulder.

The correct shoulder Is the left.

The right shoulder Is the angel's domain.

But you're on The right shoulder.

Ah, ah, ah.

D.T. -- Do not talk to the angel.

[ belt ringing ] Oh, my belt is blinking.

I'll see you next time On the shoulder.

Okay.

Now, I know You're all pumped up,

But don't go Turning your belts on just yet.

Mine's a little snug.

I said don't turn it on!

Is it on? Ooh.

Ohh!

Aah-blblbl!

Okay, all right, cool. All right.

No way.

What?

[ twinkle! ]

You don't have to eat That whole container.

How about Some dried apricots?

I think I'm in love With you.

-[ gasps ] -how did it go?

Did you evaluate? Do the up-sell?

I got to get back to her.

She had already stolen A bunch of fresh peaches

And put them Under her shirt...

From a cantaloupe store.

-you lia-a-a-a-r! -whoa!

[ belt ringing ] Look, your belt's blinking.

Remember, make a plan.

Aah!

Aah-blblblbl! Okay.

Um, okay. Make a plan.

We are in a...Restaurant.

Pull your wiener out. Um, pull your wiener out!

And when you got your -- When your -- wave it --

Wave it around Like a helicopter.

You've been here for two hours Working on your screenplay,

And you're just going To round up on the tip?

Two hours? How do you know that?

Work order.

Why don't you make That 1 into a 9?

Why don't you take that 9

And make it Into a...Gross wiener?

Spit in that guy's food. He looks like a dick.

Hey! Gary! Hey!

Hey, buddy!

My guy's About to dine and dash, so...

But you got to make sure

She voids That credit-card transaction,

And then you dash.

That looks like a $9 tip.

It's less than 20%.

It's 23%.

That's what I said.

It's less than 25%.

You're supposed to tip 20%.

-it used to be 20%. -it used to be 15%.

It used to be 15% And then it used to be 20%,

And now it's 25%, Right?

And it keeps getting higher And higher.

Next week, I'm gonna be serving Food to a waiter.

Sir, you have A very good screenplay.

What is that? What is that, pirate vampires?

-call it "Vampirates." -that's a great idea.

-I took a class. -ohh.

-how's it going? -aah!

Did you do the up-sell?

He's gonna go over there, And he's gonna touch that, uh --

That kid's, uh, wiener.

No, he's not. You didn't evaluate, mister.

Can you help him? He needs help.

-he got a work order. -don't talk to the angel.

Aah! Aah-blblblbl!

[ organ playing softly ] Okay, um, um, evaluate.

Um, oh. Hmm.

That mole Really should be looked at.

You should get that checked out.

Boy, he's right. It looks irregular.

Also, Don't steal that money.

Do steal the money From the plate

A-a-and spit in the plate

So when the priest touches it, He gets it all over his hands.

Geez, that's a recipe For hepatitis.

Pull out Your long boobies,

And I want you to swing 'em Around like a bunch of maces.

Wave your boobies around! Aah!

Go over and make that kid hard. Go touch his penis.

Go touch that kid's pe--

I've, like, been in this room For a while, right?

She's going To the dermatologist now.

That monstrosity Was precancerous.

You might have saved her life, You chubnut.

Maybe she'll go on to live And kill a bunch of priests.

You were up there Yakking it up

With that [bleep] Angel, Weren't you?

Your buddy claude here Has been crushing it.

Got somebody To throw a dog off a bridge.

I did.

But the angel had a work order,

So what am I supposed to do?

You have something better Than a work order, gary.

You can lie. You can cheat.

Yeah, gary, They already want to do it.

You just got to give them A little nudge.

Satan: But you see, fellas,

Gary thinks that angel Is better than him.

No. It's --

I mean, That angel went to heaven,

And he didn't commit Some horrible sin

That sent them all here, But --

I am so sick Of your excuses.

Claude is ready For premium shoulders.

-you got no fire! -I got fire!

I want you in their ears

Telling them what to do And how to do it!

Hot fire! I tell people What to do, and they do it well!

-get up there. -whoo!

I want you to show me!

Why don't you come here?

Why don't you Turn on my belt?

And I'm gonna go down there, And I'm gonna crush this.

Aah-blblblbl!

Damn it. I lost a nail. Everyone look around.

-I lost a nail. -guys, find it! Now!

Find it!

Aah-blblbl-uh.

Ah, okay, teleport. Done.

"E" -- evaluate.

Okay, dark crawl space. Ah.

Take that headless mannequin

And throw it in the puddle Over there, ruin it.

Yeah.

Just drag it over to the...

Is that blood?

Is that straight blood?

There's always time To ask god's forgiveness.

Oh, my... What are you --

What are you doing With that?

-no, dude, what are you...? -mnh. Put the head down.

Put the head down! Holy shit!

What am I looking at?!

I cannot get through To this one.

What is he...? Get me out of here!

Oh, oh, duck.

Aah!

Ohh!

What is happening?

What the shit Is happening? [ thud ]

[ crying ] People have been Cutting people's heads off.

And then they go -- And they're kissing them

Like they're A make-out buddy.

And then I was gonna talk To him

About messing up A mannequin.

And the guy --

You went down to talk to him About not stopping,

And I don't know Which way up or down is!

I know someone Who knows what's up and down.

Can I tell you a story

About how I allowed jesus christ Into my life?

That sounds boring, But sure.

Have you heard The good news today?

Jesus christ Has a plan for all of us.

Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh.

I gave my soul To jesus christ.

I've never been happier.

Gary, you -- You a demon, man.

Come, pray with me. It's okay. It's okay.

Gary. Gary, gary, I don't feel comfortable.

You haven't got a soul To give to christ,

You ham-headed [bleep]

Yeah, well, Isn't my soul

In one of those big jars That you got?

-I think it would be Super-cool if maybe -- -no, no, no, no!

They are laughing at us Up in heaven, gary.

You got punked.

Ollie says That angels never lie.

What -- what was his name?

-ollie. -what's his last name?

Tabooger.

S-say -- say his name again.

-ollie tabooger. -again.

Ollie tabooger.

Well, his name's oliver, But he goes by ollie...Tabooger.

I'll...Eat...A...Booger, Gary?

That's disgusting, Claude.

The fact that you eat Your boogers

And then publicly announce That you eat your...

Eff this! Eff it! [ grunting ]

[ objects crashing ]

Eff you, ollie, If that's even your name!

[ heroic music plays ]

This is the angel slayer, Gary.

Whoa. It's like anime.

My own personal weapon For armageddon.

[ heroic music plays ]

You are going to take this

And ram it Into that feathery [bleep]

You got me? No talk. No discussion.

You just ram it Into his spine!

That's a really intense prank, But I can do that.

Show me what you can do.

Okay. Um, I'm sorry.

-I didn't mean to -- whoa. -no, be careful with that.

This is really dangerous, right? Oh, I'm sorry.

[ siren wailing ]

[ wind whistling ]

Aah-blblblbl! [ laughs ]

[ horn honks ] Oh.

Oh, no...

N-- oh! Oh, no!

[ weapon tings ]

All right, jump! Don't jump.

Don't jump...Till I'm gone.

Then you can jump. Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait, Wait, wait, wait.

He's not going to jump.

[ man snorts ] He just comes up here

To spit loogies on people.

Don't do that, By the way.

It's gross.

Hey.

I just wanted to say Thank you so much

For teaching me About the righteous path.

It really worked out for me... While I was down in hell!

Happy to help. Stay on your side, gary.

No!

I want to pray together, Ollie...Tabooger.

What kind of name is that? Is it scotch irish?

You know, I was thinking maybe You could change your name

To you'll-eat-a-damn-booger!

I got him! Jump!

Ohh. Don't! Don't jump!

Man: aah! Don't jump. I said don't jump.

No, no, no, no, no!

[ glass shatters ] [ car alarm blaring ]

Ooh.

We have a couple Of empty chairs.

[ triumphant music plays ]

[ gary laughs ]

I guess I'll be sleeping On a goose-down pillow tonight.

Hell, yeah, gary!

That's what I'm talking about, man!

Hey, let's put it up On the screen.

I want to see it.

I want all you guys to see

How I made a guy Jump off a building

Because of what I said to him.

N-- oh, no! No!

Fast-forward Past this part.

You know, I was thinking maybe You could change your name.

Come on. Push him. They'll think he slipped.

Don't -- don't jump!

Man: aah! Stop spitting loogies On people!

[ tape clicks ]

-claude! -yeah, they were window washers.

My work order said that my guy Had been annoyed for months.

How'd you get a work order?

I just asked for one.

You know, gar, I don't think I can trust you on shoulders.

That's cool 'cause, uh, I have been meaning

To say this to you for a while, But I think you're a good guy,

But I don't think I've had the best management.

And I don't think You're the best manager.

[ laughs ]

[ glass shatters ]

I just felt like I needed to say that.

-hmm. -give you some feedback.

I'm glad this is an open Work environment.

You like dogs, gary?

Puppies!

Lick your balls. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know if that's a problem With your moral compass.

I'm still waiting On an angel.

It feels like I've been here 45 minutes waiting on an angel,

Unless they don't waste one On stupid dogs!

I don't know, You know how they say

That all dogs Go to heaven?

They don't.

Sometimes they go to hell.

Aah! Come on!

Heel! Sit! Ohh!