Original subtitles

[ gags ]

What the hell?

Your eyes should've been Ripped out hours ago!

I know, I know. I was able To chew my legs off by myself,

But I-I can't get my teeth Around my eyes.

By yourself?

Who's on stake duty?

Yeah, gary's completely m.I.A.

They dredged the lake Of lost souls for him.

Lagooooon... [ laughs ]

Nope. He's not in The diarrhea lagoon, either.

I'm telling you, I'm worried about the guy.

[chuckles] Hey, what are You doing back there?

Eggs. [ laughs ]

[ laughs ] Laying eggs?

Okay, then.

Where the hell is gary? He never showed up.

This place Is getting slack.

I don't know. I haven't seen him.

Well, don't piss on me. That's wide open over there.

I'm sorry.

I really can't piss Unless someone is watching.

[ alarms ringing, blaring ]

[ laughs ]

Gary.

Schmickler83.

Schmickler83!

Nothing.

[ nervously ] Maybe his file is corrupt.

Only your buddy, gary?

Only his files Are corrupted?

Yeah.

Why don't I believe you, Kamal?

Please, don't turn my hands Into dicks, whatever you do.

I just don't want -- Please --

[ foosh! ]

Aah! [ blowing ]

I turned them into Flaming dicks,

But the dicks Are burning already.

And...I am distracted.

I'm sorry. That --

They should've just been Regular dicks.

I'm sorry they're burnt.

I can't...

Where are you hiding, you Little ham-headed [bleep]

Dee, dee, dee.

I've had the sherbet,

I've had the cherry-chocolate Chip,

I've had the black raspberry,

I've had the rum raisin, I've had the vanilla,

I've had the caramel swirl,

I've had the strawberry, Pistachio.

It's like the nut, Right?

Does it have any nuts in it? I don't remember.

You've burned through All of our sample spoons.

Why don't you just, uh, rinse A couple of these off, huh?

How hard is that?

The samples are free, Though, right?

Yes.

See, that's where I got you legally.

Please bear with me,

And let me get just one more Run of all of them.

[ elevator bell dinging ]

[ western-style music playing ]

[ bell dings ]

He's burning that rock. That rock was already on fire!

Is that psyklone?

And the thin twins, Yes.

I'm gonna go Introduce myself.

Man, are you crazy?

Sit your ass down.

Gary's a good person.

He doesn't deserve this.

Is that my dick On your hand?

[ knocks on door ]

Geoff! Gary's back In tow-ow-ow-ow-n.

They can't find me, dude, All right?

They don't know their ass From their elbow down there.

And check it out.

I --

Look at this. Boom!

Jamming their radar!

Okay, get in here.

Get in here. Get in here. Okay.

Thank you so much, Buddy.

Get in here. Yep. This is so much fun.

Hey, glenn.

Gary: I got bible pages Taped to my legs,

I put garlic in my shoes,

And I've got pie pans On my feet

Because satan Can't see through lead.

Isn't that superman?

Superman can't see Through lead?

I'm pretty sure that Satan has it, as well.

Are those even lead? It's close enough.

Look, everybody knows that We don't get along, right?

Yeah. So no one's gonna come Looking for me

If I'm staying with My step-brother... No.

...On his futon In his basement.

No. No, no, no, gary. Please, no, no.

Hear me out. Hear me out. Hear me out.

Look, look, look, Look, right?

Postcards.

Take this postcard, put it up On the fridge, right?

It all says I'm in hawaii.

Yeah, this says atlanta, Gary.

They all say atlanta. I know that.

It's 'cause they don't sell Hawaii postcards in atlanta,

And I went and I told them,

"You need something From every state,

Because you don't know Where you're gonna be,

And where you're gonna need To tell people that you are at."

I'll have to see What karen thinks.

Can we maybe just leave Karen out of this?

You know what I mean?

I love karen. I love that you love karen.

And I love karen. I love karen.

But she's kind of A steamrolling bitch.

I mean -- Excuse me?

No, I mean she's cool. She's cool.

She's never believed in me, But she's cool.

She's sweet, in her way.

She's very mean In a fun way.

I can't keep listening to you. I'm sorry.

[ voice breaking ] Geoff, I'll --

No.

Geoff... Don't cry.

Life gave me a second chance, All right?

And I'm gonna do it Better this time.

Are you gonna Be religious?

Huh?

Now that you know What you know

About how he died For your sins?

Maybe.

Sure.

But do you remember That food-cart idea I had?

This is my new religion.

"Chili-cone gary."

Yeah.

Is that chili in An ice-cream cone?

First you get that crunch, Then you get that sweet,

Then you get that Savory chili-powder taste.

It's gonna be The next ice cream!

Scoop.

Cup or cone?

Just give me the scoop.

[ grunting ]

[ squelches ]

[ doorbell rings ]

Build your brand.

[ cellphone ringtone plays ]

Yello! Chili cone gary, llc.

Gary, listen carefully --

Claude? How did you get this number?

I just got this phone! You're advertising

Your stupid chili cone idea Everywhere.

They're coming after you.

There's a giant cyclops and two Skeletons with flame throwers.

So stay there. I'm coming to help.

But you need to Disguise yourself.

Aah! It's an eye!

Oof! Gah!

Gary? Gary!

Ew! Ew! Ew!

[ saw buzzing ]

[ mumbling, moans ]

Oh, yeah.

[ cellphone ringtone plays ]

Chili cone gary, llc.

Sultry woman's voice: Hi, gary.

I'm a local Venture capitalist,

And your chili cone gary Really captured my imagination.

Yeah. Yes, yeah.

I was, uh -- you know, I wanted to eat some chili,

But I didn't have Any crackers, right?

But I did have a whole sleeve Of ice-cream cones.

Yeah, yeah. Listen, I'm very wealthy,

And I want to buy Your stupid idea. I do.

Just text me your address, And I'll zip by with $1 million.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay.

This is the thing, though,

$1 million is only gonna get You 51% in chili cone.

'cause lots of foods Can go in cones.

You got stews... Oh, yeah.

...You got soups. Yeah.

You could put corn In a cone.

You're so smart.

I can't wait to Just pick your brains.

One thing is Non-negotiable.

I will be designing The t-shirts.

[ dial tone ] Hello?

Geoff, it's me, gary.

How do I [chuckling] Loo-- ohh...

Gary! Get in here!

[ laughs ]

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. You think I'm gary?

That's insulting. [ laughs ]

Gary's in hawaii Having a great time.

Right, geoff?

'cause we got all Those postcards that you put up

From gary from hawaii, right?

Let me introduce myself.

Uhhh, I am geoff's human friend.

Let's go, gary.

I am ready to go, Yes.

But, uh, make sure,

I got to give these pie pans Back to geoff,

'cause they belong To him.

He owns them. Here's some Garlic in your eye!

Yeah! Take that!

Yeah! You stupid bitches!

Hang on, gary, I'll be there in a sec.

Aaaaaah!

[ chomping ]

[ grunts ]

[ gary groaning ]

[ growling ]

You're really big. Aah!

[ screaming ]

Psyklone: [ laughing ]

[ grunts ]

[ gary screaming ]

Aaah!

Aah!

[ whimpering ]

[ tires screech ]

Come on! Come on! Hurry up!

Hurry!

It's you! It's you, buddy!

Thank god you came!

Buckle up.

Oh, man, That's a lot of buckles.

But good. I feel safe.

Oh, they're coming, man!

They're coming! Just gun it!

Get it! Gun it!

No, we still got to Wait on them.

Oh, come on, man!

I'll take the middle. There's no room. There's no leg room.

You guys need some more room? You guys okay? You guys all right Back there?

Do you mind inching Your seat up a little bit?

I got sciatica.

Hey, why don't you use another Voice in your repertoire?

Because that sexy-woman voice Is getting real old.

You think I sound like A woman?

Come on, now, That's his regular voice.

Geez, gary, That's his regular voice.

At least I said It was a sexy voice.

Shut up, gary.

Oh, hey. There he is.

Welcome back, buddy. I missed you.

I really like the beard.

Really?

-yeah. -I like it, man.

It's a really great way To hide a weak chin.

[ gasps ] I don't think You have a weak chin.

Mm.

I have it -- one. I do. You know?

Anyway, satan,

Psyklone and the twins were Having a little bit of trouble.

Oh, please. That is not How I remember it.

I just came in and managed it A bit more.

Managed my ass.

Satan, I think I can Take on a bigger role,

Do more of The hands-on stuff.

Hm. Yeah, claude, I like that.

Little more hands-on With gary.

And a little more Feets-on with gary.

I don't understand.

What is feets on?

Gary: I didn't really Expect him to do this.

With the, you know, putting The fingertips and toes,

Merging them.

Did you expect him to do This when he took his shoes,

He said, "Hey, Take your shoes off"?

Yes. Just pick up The pace, okay?

Okay. You know, it could be, Like, mad worse.

He could do that "Human centipede" thing to us.

No! No, gary!

Satan doesn't know about The mo-mo-movie.

"Human centipede." What is that? No.

Ohh, "Human centipede." No.

It's this crazy documentary I saw...

No. No. ...That's got A german scientist,

And he takes this asian And these two naked chicks,

Right, and he sews up their Mouths to their butt holes,

Right, and then they eat Each other's dookies.

The thing is, like, Scientifically,

You could eat somebody Else's dookies

For like two months 'cause there's enough nutrients.

Dookie.

It's pretty good. You'll like it.

Butt hole to mouth, huh? Check that out.

Yeah. Oh, no.

We're gonna be Eating dookies.

Why do I have to go to The bathroom all of a sudden?

I went.

I just wanted to see if our Dicks were attached, and...

They are. Yeah.