Original subtitles

>> you guys want the inside line

On what's going on in today's

Meeting?

>> what?

>> layoffs.

>> man, be for real.

Ain't no layoffs coming.

>> layoffs, and they're doing it

By weight.

So I think I'm gonna be the

First one.

That's what claude said.

I've been eating dirt and rocks

Like a chicken does for, like,

Digestion 'cause it's making me

Heavier.

We're gonna get laid off today.

>> [ sighs ]

>> oh, satan's coming.

Satan's coming.

[ applause ]

>> I'm sure you've all heard the

Rumors by now about the possible

Layoffs.

They're not true.

Here's the problem.

Souls are way down, all right?

So I've decided to try something

A little different, all right?

Eddie!

>> oh!

>> this could be your future.

Take a look at this.

>> gee.

>> positive reinfor--

>> [ panting ]

>>looks about a gallon low

There, eddie.

>> oh, no, it's, uh, it's hot

Down here, sir.

It's probably evaporation.

Okay.

Maybe I took a tiny, tiny sip.

[ crackling ]

[ screams ]

>> I'm sorry, where was I?

>> positive reinforcement.

>> positive reinforcement.

Thank you, claude.

>> you're very welcome.

>> the contest.

You all have 24 hours up on

Earth to harvest as many souls

As you can.

First place -- all the sweet,

Sweet water you can drink.

And for the rest of you, a

Slumber party in the break room.

>> aah!

>> break room sucks.

>> the hellmouth is open.

Let's get cracking!

[ "Ave maria" plays ]

>> knock, knock.

>> can I help you?

>> the hellmouth's open.

>> yeah.

I'll get up there this

Afternoon.

I got to go talk to h.R.

>> oh, is it a sexual-harassment

Claim?

>> no.

>> I had to do that with the

Masturbating spider from...

And then guess who they sent to

Interview me.

>> the masturbating spider.

>> then he held me down, and he,

Like, masturbated all over me,

And I was like, "Guys, this is a

Conflict of interest."

>> bring that back.

[ indistinct conversations ]

>> wait a minute, wait a minute.

Hold that door! Hold that door!

Hey! Wait a minute!

>> ooh!

>> ah, geez.

[ groans ]

[ sighs ]

[ coughing ]

Come on!

>> young lady!

Young lady!

Have you considered selling your

Soul to the devil?

>> yo, I was gonna ask you the

Same thing.

Come on, man.

>> diz, I'm working undercover,

Too.

Oh, hey, guy.

Hey, guy.

What if I could make your

Wildest dreams come true?

And you're benji.

>> we already got this mall

Staked out, playa.

>> you serious about that?

>> you better watch your tone

With me.

>> aw, man.

Who wants to be young again?

Imagine all night at the club,

Drinking and dancing, pretty,

Tight, young people grinding

Against you, you know?

I mean, not so much him, but

There's a clipboard going

Around.

You can tell a lot about a

Person by their handwriting.

I'm sorry.

I'll give you your space.

>> don't you want juicy?

Yes, you do.

>> you know, actually, I'm good

On juice.

You know, satan loves kids, and

Not just to eat.

And if you could maybe hit my

Ass with that wet wipe over

There, we could talk about if

Hell's right for you.

I got you triple sec.

They only had coconut, but --

Diz!

Come on, man.

You saw me talking to him.

>> I didn't see your name on

Him.

>> it's rude to write your name

On a human.

>> you're telling me I'm gonna

Get $100,000 and all I have to

Do is burn in hell for an

Eternity?

>> that's all you have to do.

>> where do I sign?

>> oh, thank you!

Thank you so much!

Oh, yes.

Just sign right there.

>> no, dumbass.

Do you understand I have a

Chance to win $1 million, and

All I have to do is click on

This ad for swaggerchat.Com?

>> swaggerchat.Com?

What does that do?

>> it tweets transcripts of all

Your conversations.

"Lucas -- it tweets transcripts

Of all your conversations."

Boom.

That just blasted on the

Worldwide web.

>> dude, that sounds, uh,

Awesome.

What is a tweet?

And with your signature, there's

Gonna be loads of things that

Become available, like the

Fun zone!

[ electricity crackles ]

With the cellphone pictures, I'm

Gonna have to say no.

It's the one rule we got.

I said it before, and I can --

>> what's that?

>> [ growling ]

>> we better go.

And we're walking.

Yep, right over here is where

Jeffrey dahmer used to sit until

They made him crawl up inside

His own penis.

And this is our techie, kamal.

What's going on, k-dawg?

>> gary, you know you're not

Supposed to bring mortals down

Here.

>> ah, this is kyle.

He is a definite maybe.

What do you say, my big boy?

Huh, you like it?

>> I'll think about it.

>> that's not what you said at

The slipknot show.

>> how do I get to earth?

>> I can take care of that.

>> just like I felt a gust of

Wind.

>> yeah.

Look, I just sent him to the

Middle of china.

[ laughter ]

>> seriously, though, keep track

Of him because he seemed pretty

Into it.

>> gary, I don't know what

You're doing here.

You should be up there.

Have you even looked at claude's

Stats?

>> no.

>> come here.

>> how did he do that?

What, has he been in there all

Day?

What's he doing in there?

>> swaggerchat.Com.

I created it.

It tweets transcripts of your

Conversations in exchange for

Your soul.

You see, no one ever reads the

Terms and conditions.

>> I am going to tell satan on

You.

>> someone named gary coolboobs

Signed up for our service.

I wonder who that could be.

>> I'm not gary coolboobs, but

If I was, then I wouldn't want

Someone to be reading my private

Thoughts.

>> "Gary -- I farted," and

That's multiple times throughout

The day out loud to various

People you didn't know.

It's also written in there, just

"Pfft."

>> well, I still got four more

Hours left, and this is gonna be

One hell of a horse race, boy,

'cause I'm riding a cheetah.

>> okay, so what?

Claude has a few thousand souls.

>> 680,000 souls.

So much better than me.

He's so much more traditionally

Handsome.

>> okay, that's enough.

I've had enough.

Stop it!

Stop it, stop it, stop it!

Remember me when I got here?

I was muslim.

No virgin, no date tree, no

River of milk.

>> just a bunch of dirty milk in

A field.

>> it's not -- it's clean milk,

Gary.

>> fish just flopping around --

>> there's no fish in the milk,

Gary.

You're overlooking the virgins

And dates.

>> virgins aren't good in bed.

Dates are dumb apples.

>> the point is this.

I didn't get any of that, but

You know what?

I came here, and somebody helped

Me, showed me around, cushioned

The blow, and that person was

You, gary.

>> it was me.

>> yeah, it was you, and that's

The problem.

You're too damn nice.

>> claude cheats.

>> well, then, you cheat back.

>> [ screams ]

No!

What did you do to him?

What did you do?

>> it's a thumb drive.

Get it?

Like thumb?

Like, look.

>> that's so cute.

>> it is a real thumb, though.

All you have to do is put that

Into claude's computer and drag

All the souls across.

>> no.

No --

Oh.

>> don't move!

Aah!

>> hey.

Please kill me.

What are you doing?

>> so you have my summon word,

Do you?

You're gary's friend, right?

>> yeah. No.

I'm -- I'm not supposed to say.

>> now, you just need to be so

Quiet, okay?

Be good for daddy, all right?

Be good for daddy.

Be good.

>> aah!

>> shh! Shh!

>> I order you to stay there for

30 minutes, foul beast.

>> [ speaks indistinctly ]

>> okay, come on.

Come on, damn it.

[ beeping ]

>> look at you up there, almost

Getting to the door.

Well, boom.

>> aah!

Ooh! Ooh!

[ beeping ]

>> come on, come on.

>> it was gary, I told you.

I've been telling you, but you

Just keep cockroaching me.

Oh!

>> gary, where are you, you big

Bitch?

Come on, damn it.

Come on.

[ chuckles ]

[ sighs ]

>> kill me.

Kill me, please.

>> shut up.

>> kamal's voice mail.

[ beeps ]

>> hey. What's up?

I'm sorry, k-dawg.

I couldn't steal claude's souls.

They were right there for me to

Take, like a bunch of innocent

Young girls, all right, but it's

Just not the gary way.

I'm back up top.

I've still got a couple of hours

Left.

Satan never specified they had

To be human souls, so this guy's

Going to the pet store.

Booyah-ka-sha!

[ beeps ]

>> and...

I'm gonna call it.

>> I'm so late.

I'm so late.

I hope they take hamsters.

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

No, no!

No!

No!

No!

No!

[ grunting ]

Aah!

[ groaning ]

>> all right, welcome back,

Shorthorns.

These are the final results

Here, kamal?

These numbers are accurate?

>> yeah, yeah.

Yes.

>> okay.

Here we go.

Hit the road.

Grand-prize winner of

Soul-apalooza is...

Gary.

I'm [bleep] With you.

It's claude.

Yeah, baby.

>> it's all for you, satan.

>> come get the water, man.

All the water you can take.

I mean drink.

Have you ever been waterboarded?

>> what?

>> yeah.

Has anyone ever done this

Before?

Wikipedia keeps taking the

Instructions down.

>> yo, where the hell is gary?

>> let's get out of here.

It's gonna be fine.

Okay.

Okay.

All right, we just got to get a

Hotel, you and me.

We're going to mexico.