Original subtitles

>> what part of "I want those

Testicles crushed" do you not

Understand?

And I want it done with an

Anvil this time.

What do you mean you can't find

An anvil?

They have them in cartoons all

The time.

Just get it done, or I'm gonna

Crush your nuts with an anvil.

And I'll be able to get that

Signed off by the big guy.

Don't you worry.

By the way, how's your wife,

Man?

Yeah, she's gorgeous.

Tig ol' bitties.

Hold on one sec.

Gary, can you give me one

Minute?

>> I just need to get one minute

From you.

>> give me one minute, because

This is a very important call,

Okay?

I've been having these weird

Dreams recently.

Uh-huh.

No, it's like I'm in my high

School, but it's -- it is my

High school, and that's the

Weird thing, 'cause it's --

Okay, you know what?

I'm gonna run.

Okay. Talk to you later.

Bye.

>> [ sighs ]

>> what can I do for you?

I'm very, very busy.

>> okay.

Well, you know how satan says

That I need to ramp it up a bit?

Well, you follow hockey, right?

>> no.

>> check it out.

Look at this.

Whaa!

Yeah! [ chuckles ]

>> "Hail satin"?

You mean, like, the material?

>> I take this to the hockey

Playoffs.

Camera cuts to me, right?

And I'm like [grunting]

Showing the sign, right?

Got my shirt off, right?

Then I blow my brains out with a

Shotgun.

Start a whole chain of people

Thinking that that is a cool

Thing to do.

>> gary...Please.

Um, don't take this personally.

But nobody wants to imitate a

Doughy, ugly...

Dumb, 33-year-old...Loser.

It's just not aspirational.

>> well, the thing is, is that I

Don't think I can return this

Wig.

>> gary, you know what dazzles?

Broadway...Musical.

>> you know what we could do is

We could talk to those "Rent"

Guys, 'cause they're down here,

Right?

'cause they died of aids.

I didn't really want to say it

Out loud, 'cause aids will come

Find you.

>> aids won't...Find you if you

Say it.

>> it's like "Nightmare on

Elm street."

>> no.

>> finds you in your dreams.

Aids comes.

>> what are you talking about?

>> can't go to sleep.

>> it's a disease.

>> oh, okay.

I thought it was, like, a body

Insect.

>> you're a [bleep] Moron, and

You're annoying me right now,

Okay?

>> okay.

>> what we got to do is we got

To focus.

Now, I've got somebody --

>> [ exhales deeply ]

I'm focusing.

>> listen.

We got the hookup to a

Super-powerful hollywood

Superstar --

Miss tiffany van traskell.

And you and her are gonna write,

Produce, and stage a play

Honoring our dark lord and

Master.

>> so, you mean to tell me that

This...

"Musical" is gonna open up on...

* broadwa-a-a-a-a-y?

>> no. Didn't say that.

>> oh!

I think it's working big-time!

Getting soft down there!

It tingles!

[ chuckles ]

>> intestillax.

>> it tingles!

And you know what?

It did.

I am from the method school.

I took eight intestillax

Suppositories, because acting is

Not pretend.

The viewer has to --

Josh?

>> believe.

>> believe!

That's right.

Yes, in the back.

>> were you ever in any movies?

>> that wasn't really my trip.

My breasts did appear in

"Aerobicide 2," though I was

Told that they would be framed

Out.

Look -- my point is...

If makeup is applying fake blood

To your breasts and your

Buttocks, you can bet your

Bottom dollar that both of those

Will appear in the shot.

[ school bell rings ]

Oh, okay. There's the bell.

Listen. Josh?

Uh, could you stay back, please?

I'd like to talk to you about

Something.

[ breathing heavily ]

[ exhales sharply ]

[ sighs ]

>> boogety-boogety!

>> I saw you crouching in the

Back.

>> I suck at this!

>> I knew this day would come.

When I sold my soul for a career

In basic cable, satan promised

Me a big break.

>> yeah.

>> for 12 years, people have

Yelled "Getting soft down

There!" at me.

>> [ chuckles ]

Well, it's closer to 20, but --

>> okay, I'm not complaining.

It's just that I know that I can

Do so much more than ads for

Stool softener.

>> and that's why you have been

Chosen to take satan's life

Story to the stage.

[ both laugh maniacally ]

>> * demon, I am dreamin'

>> [ chuckling ] Yeah.

You know -- you know --

Actually, you know, I-I always

Thought that, like, demon and

Reamin' were a good rhyme

Scheme.

>> okay.

>> do you know -- getting, like,

Reamed?

Like, up your ass?

You know, when you get reamed by

Three demons -- when it's a

Triple-team reamin'?

* I'm screamin' from my triple

Demon reamin' *

It's -- it's a thing.

I just get reamed a lot in hell,

So it's -- I guess "Write what

You know."

That's what they say.

[ piano playing upbeat music ]

>> * details

* the devil in the details

[ whip cracking ]

>> * you over there, make that

Flame hotter *

>> * make that man have sex with

His daughter *

* details

>> * oh, hell

Is a heaven to me *

* yes, hell is a heaven

To me-e-e-e-e-e-e *

>> that's good.

That's really good.

>> you looked really amazing in

That red leotard today.

>> baby, I don't think I'm gonna

Be able to sneak out tonight.

I've -- I've got that

Science-fair project, and mom

And dad keep asking me about all

That jewelry you bought me.

>> fine. You know what?

Just stay home.

Be a little boy.

Because what I need is a man.

>> okay. A-all right. Later.

>> oh, you know what?

Just [bleep] Go!

>> o-okay.

>> now!

>> I am. I-I'm going.

>> wa--

No, wait!

Do you need a ride?

Wait, no!

I think I'm pregnant!

What the [bleep] Are you looking

At?!

>> [ breathing heavily ]

[ door opens ]

>> hey. Uh, rehearsal, huh?

I'm there.

I'm just like, "Where am I?

Am I in hell right now," you

Know?

But brie, I-I think she's good.

But when it comes to getting

Burned by lava --

I know you like brie, but --

[ both moaning ]

>> ow!

>> * I, I command the love of

All the ladies I see *

* girls, girls don't get enough

Of my strength and ability *

>> come on, man!

>> * like an eagle flying high,

Plucking fish from the sea *

>> get out of here!

>> * they're mine for the

Taking, their hearts I'll be

Breaking when they trust and

Lust for me *

>> claude.

>> gary.

>> my man.

Hug it out with me.

>> all right.

>> [ chuckles ] For real.

Aww.

Yeah. "Devil in the details."

Premieres friday night.

* when the mood is right

>> satan is pumped.

>> yeah!

>> think you can comp us some

Tickets?

>> absolutely, yeah.

You want, uh, plus-one?

Plus-two?

>> plus-202.

>> [ coughs ]

I'm not really sure if the media

Room can hold all of that.

Do you think you guys can, like,

Double it up?

>> what do you mean -- like, two

To a seat?

What does that -- how would that

Work?

>> it's easy, you know?

You sit on top of each other.

>> are -- what the [bleep] Are

You talking about?

>> may I ask what this is?

>> it's my new musical.

>> tiffany, I-I cannot allow you

To stage a satanic-themed

Musical in a -- in a public

High school.

I-I'm sorry.

>> you don't like what I have to

Say, jerry?

>> what's wrong with doing

"Grease"?

People like "Grease."

>> oh, I have had it with you

Noncreatives!

I am out of here, and you can

Suspend me with pay.

>> okay. Let's do that.

[ whistle blows ]

>> okay!

Team, uh...

Little change to the playbook.

I am coach lindsay.

And, uh, I am now your drama

Teacher.

Now, this friday, we are doing

"Grease."

So, for homework, y'all need to

Memorize this dvd.

>> how are we supposed to know

Who's playing what character?

>> good eye. You're travolta.

You're the slut.

You're the mousy one turns into

A slut at the end.

The rest of y'all just work it

Out amongst yourselves.

Yeah? Teamwork! Come on, now!

[ whistle blows ]

[ doo-wop music playing ]

>> what key are we doing

"Beauty school drop-out" in?

>> sweet pea, the only key I'm

Concerned with is the key to the

Equipment cage.

Uh, sing and dance around if

You want, but, y'all, I've got a

Huddle-up with my wife at 9:00,

So we -- y'all don't have to do

The whole thing tonight.

Just do part of it.

Do the fun part.

>> okay, this is what we're

Gonna do.

You're gonna stall them, all

Right?

Make them think we're doing

"Grease" or something.

And then -- oh, we're gonna show

Them a show unlike they ain't

Never seen before!

>> is that a shotgun?

>> yeah. All right.

Now, in act three, after the

Rumble thing at the boardwalk...

>> mm-hmm.

>> ...You're gonna take this

Shotgun, you're gonna say,

"Satan, it's all for you!"

Then you're gonna blow your

Brains out!

>> I-I'm not gonna do that.

>> yes, you are.

>> no, that's not in "Grease."

>> you don't want to do this?

>> no. Who are you?

>> [ groans ]

>> action! "Grease" -- go!

[ whistle blows ]

[ upbeat music playing ]

[ feedback ]

>> [ groans ]

All right. Um --

Hey, tina. How are you?

Just get out of here.

Get out of here!

Uh, satan, this is all for you!

Heavy metal rules!

[ gunshot ]

Yeah.

Yeah, you guys missed a whale of

A show.

>> is that claude?

Tell him I said hi!

>> shh! Shut up!

Shut up! Cook!

I wish you could've been there

For the thing that you made me

Write, choreograph, and rehearse

For three weeks.

>> sorry, guy. Dinner ran late.

>> I just wanted --

>> oh!

[ laughing ] God!

Oh!

>> nacho?

>> yeah. Yeah.

These are great seats.

How'd you know I love hockey?

>> hey, and check this out.

>> hmm?

[ gunshot ]

[ crowd screaming ]

>> "Hail stan"?

>> god, you smell awful.

Cooking you.

Who's gonna eat you?

That's my question.

It's gonna [bleep] Be me, isn't

It?

"Here, gary.

Have a whole bunch of eddie,

Covered in stinky, old jalapeño

Mayonnaise and big chunks of

Black bread from the viking

Era."

[ spit creaks ]

Mmm. Actually, you know what?

Now that I'm, like, talking

About it -- with a good,

Whole-grain mustard.

[ explosion ]

I knew we should've put some

Rosemary underneath your tits.