Original subtitles

>> lassiter jenkins, senator

From the state of tennessee...

Family man...

Leader of the pray for oil

Faith initiative...

And a secret peter tweeter.

>> ah, there's just no reason to

See one of those.

>> yeah.

Man likes to show his junk.

Now, what I need is an emissary

To go find the esteemed senator,

Present him with these

Glamour shots, and persuade him

To put me on the nickel.

Huh?

Heh.

All right.

So who wants this one?

>> me! Me! Me! Me!

Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!

Me! Me! Me! Me!

I call it! I called it!

>> claude, I think I saw your

Hand go up first.

>> it's all for you, satan.

I won't let you down.

>> whoa. Hey.

Claude's my intern.

He is great and all, and I

Appreciate his energy.

But, I just feel that my talents

Are being wasted just sitting

Here on this red-hot iron spike.

>> all right, fine.

Book it with travel.

>> yeah! Gary!

>> also, uh, gary, why don't

You go ahead and eat these, too.

>> oh, okay.

Does this have anything to

Do with the mission?

>> what? No, that's just for my

Amusement.

Bon appétit.

Good meeting, everybody.

>> senator jenkins' office.

>> [ high-pitched ] Yes, hi.

I am a registered voter, and I

Was calling to speak with

Senator jenkins.

>> the senator's not here right

Now.

He's on vacation.

>> oh, I didn't know that.

[ normal voice ] But, I do now!

Thank you!

Boo-yah!

Oh, shoot.

[ high-pitched mumbling ]

All right. I got it.

[ dialing ]

[ ringing ]

>> senator jenkins' office.

>> [ high-pitched ] Hi.

Yes, this is the -- this is the

Voter from before, and I was

Calling to see if you had a,

Uh, oh, no, an exact location

Or a phone number for the

Senator.

>> no, I cannot give you that.

>> [ grunts ]

>> okay?

>> okay, thank you. Goodbye.

>> he's in the smoky mountains.

>> [ normal voice ] Oh, hey.

>> I really thought, uh, I was

Gonna get to do this one, so I

Highlighted his hiking route.

>> thank you for this.

You want a briquette?

[ woman singing in french ]

>> [ echoing ] Help!

>> hello?

>> down here!

Hey, man, help! Here I am!

Hey, hey, hey!

Help!

>> don't you worry, all right?

I'll be down in a jiff.

[ grunts ]

Aah! Aah!

[ grunting ]

Ow!

Ooh.

Ooh!

>> yeah, that root was slippery,

Huh?

>> yeah.

Is there any chance that you are

United states senator

Lassiter jenkins?

>> no.

>> can I have some of this?

>> oh, no. That's urine.

I've been pissing in that for

Two days.

>> hold that thought.

Hold that thought.

[ dialing ]

>> yello?

>> claude, thank god! Thank god.

Don't tell satan this, but I

Am trapped in a ravine.

>> hey, gar!

>> I don't know where I am!

All right, I'm bleeding.

>> yeah, man.

I can hardly hear you, but it

Sounds like you're having a

Great time, bro.

Why don't you give me a call

Back tomorrow when I'm back in

The office?

>> this is your office line,

Claude.

>> right, whatever.

>> claude!

>> dick.

[ dial tone ]

>> okay, buddy.

[ laughs ]

You too, man.

All right.

Check you on the flip.

Ohh, do you have any aspirin?

>> my boss is a total dickhead.

>> yeah.

My boss is the living embodiment

Of all evil.

>> yeah, mine too.

He's always looking for a

Way to tear me a new asshole,

Literally.

>> yeah, mine too!

Like, literally tears me a

New asshole.

>> yeah, literally!

Mine literally, too.

>> mine literally tore me a new

Asshole.

It's in my armpit.

Where's yours?

I would show you mine, but

It's got the runs right now.

>> oh, mine's not like

Literally.

>> yeah, I mean like literally.

>> okay.

>> yeah, yeah.

>> a lot of people misuse that

Word.

[ tapping ]

>> how's your spear coming

Along?

Better be sharp because when

That squirrel comes by, I think

We're only gonna get one more

Shot at him.

>> mm-hmm.

>> yeah.

He really wants to live.

But on that note, you're leg is

Not looking good, so I think we

Could tuck into that pretty

Soon.

>> no, man.

We're not eating my leg.

>> are you chewing something?

There's a granola wrapper!

What do you got in that bag?

>> hey!

>> what do you got in that bag?

>> hey!

That -- that's private!

>> yeah?! Well, fine!

Fine!

'cause you know what?

'cause if I want food, I can

Just go out and I can hunt with

These two guys.

I don't even need this knife.

Just -- [ screams ]

Gaaaaah!

>> don't do that.

Hey, I got a lot of yogurt

Raisins, and you can have one.

>> you know what? No.

I'm gonna eat these berries.

>> no, no, no. Don't eat that.

Those are poisonous, man.

>> nice try.

These are mine.

Mmm.

If you want some, go get your

Own.

[ grunting ]

>> oh!

Are you okay?

>> I'm fine.

[ grunts ]

Do you have any pepto in your

Bag?

>> no, man.

What the hell do you have in

Your bag?

It's filled with crap.

You have bottle rockets?!

>> yeah, I was saving them for

The fourth.

>> they're wet or something.

We gotta use your horn, man.

>> use your horn.

That's gonna hurt me.

>> I don't have a horn.

>> [ grunts ]

>> no!

[ bottle rocket whistles ]

>> let's meet again, brother.

This very same spot a year from

Now.

>> let's do it on top of the

Ravine next time.

>> yeah.

>> [ laughs ]

>> yeah.

>> but, you remember what I

Said.

Take life by the horns.

>> I don't remember you saying

Anything like that, gary, but

You, too, man.

>> that guy...

My...Horn.

My horn!

You've got my horn! Guys!

>> oh, gary, you were gone a

While.

We were, uh, getting worried.

What's up with your leg?

>> oh, it's fine! I just...

Just kinda twisted it.

>> oh, okay.

Uh, so...

How was the senator?

>> he's good...

He's -- he's good.

>> ah, great.

So, you see, you found him

Out there in the woods, huh?

>> oh, most certainly.

Because photos...

Don't lie.

>> wow.

This is great.

When you were talking to

Jenkins, did he mention just

Having, like, uh, like, uh,

I don't know, an identical twin

Or something like that?

No? Nothing?

A doppelganger? No?

That's weird because, you know,

While you were jerking off in

The woods, claude was, uh, very

Actively busy finding the real

Senator jenkins in this hotel

Room.

>> yeah, satan.

Uh, something just didn't sit

Right about the whole "Hiking"

Thing.

You know what I mean?

>> gary, you have lied to me for

The last time.

I am demoting you to coal

Shoveling...

Forever!

>> [ coughs ]

All the coal in the hole.

[ rustling ]

More?

Seriously?

Come on!

Come on, guys.

>> you know all this coal we're

Shoveling?

>> yeah.

>> I carved an "X" on a piece of

Coal.

I put it in there, and it just

Came out and fell in front of

Us.

>> no, no, no, no, then that

Would mean that this whole thing

Is a waste of time.

>> gary!

>> that's you!

They're calling you.

>> [ laughs ]

I knew this wouldn't last

Forever!

>> hey, gary.

Long time, huh?

Look what I got here.

It's a book.

And look who wrote it.

>> the buddy of yours from the

Ravine?

>> "Take life by the horns:

How a demon taught me to

Raise hell without going

There."

>> it's got the secret hell

Handshake.

It's got the finger lightening.

It's got everything, gary.

>> blah, blah, blah.

"Minions, behind his back, have

Been known to call him

Beelzleboobs."

>> [ laughs ]

>> you're laughing?

>> I never heard that before.

No one's gonna read this stupid

Book.

>> it's a best-seller.

People are reading it on the

Beach.

>> yeah. He's doing seminars.

"Do it the gary way".

>> everyone's real inspired by

This guy, gary.

I want you to uninspire them.

[ gun cocks ]

>> alex!

>> gary!

[ chuckles ]

In the flesh!

To what do I owe the pleasure?

Come on in, man.

>> what's up, man?

>> yeah, man, I want to

Introduce you to my publisher.

He says your a hallucination.

[ both laugh ]

>> yeah, I bet.

>> yeah!

>> [ laughs ]

Hey, um...

What if I kill you and I make it

Look like a suicide?

>> no. No.

That's not the gary way, man.

>> I'm gary, asshole!

You have my horn, and you told

People that I cried at the

Bottom of the ravine.

>> gary, my editor said that

Makes you more sympathetic, so

It really worked.

>> [ moans ]

Where's your can?

>> if you gotta drop anchor,

Man, half bath.

>> man, this place is crazy big.

>> courtesy flush, too?

>> satan just had a couple of

Notes about a second revision

Before you go in there.

He really would like you to

Mention what a badass he is.

And also, could you put

Something in there about how cut

He is?

He's just got waterfall abs.

>> let me show you the cool way

To masturbate, hollywood-style.

You know what I mean?

Everybody is doing this.

>> and one little last note:

You could take your original

Manuscript and every single copy

Of the book and burn it.

I'm just really glad you're open

To taking notes 'cause a lot of

People are really sensitive

About --

Claude?

What are you doing here, man?

>> what you couldn't.

[ belt snaps ]

>> [ grunts ]

>> hey, are you shoveling the

Gary way?

Shovel the gary way!

[ laughs ]

>> [ laughs ]

Yeah, that is funny.

[ laughs ]

>> hey, gary, eddie, how are

You?

>> hi.

>> you remember alex, don't you?

>> hey, man! What's up?

What you doing?

>> I'm being put in hell.

Hey, I was told I'm supposed

To shove this up your ass or

You're supposed to shove it up

Mine or something.

>> you first.

>> I tell you what.

Why don't we flip a coin?

Gary, you call.

>> tails.

Oh, wow, is that new?

It's actually really good.

>> came out nice.

>> I can't believe we got all

The detail on that.

That's pretty amazing.

>> franklin mint.

Uh, that's heads.

So why don't you bend over?

I got to head back to the

Office.

Good to see you guys.

>> okay. Yeah.

Cool beans.

>> um, are you gonna pull down

Your pants or do I stick it --

>> no, you can push it through.

I don't care about these pants.

>> am I just supposed to shove

It?

>> oh, yeah, just shove it right

In there.

>> it doesn't seem like it's

Gonna fit.

>> oh, yeah. It never does.

>> okay.

>> are you doing it the

Gary way?