Original subtitles

[ beeping ]

[ high-pitched beep ]

>> [ roars ]

[ whip cracking ]

>> [ screaming ]

>> [ sighs ]

God.

I don't know who's getting

Tortured here more -- you or me.

>> what do you say we take a

Little break?

>> that's -- no. You know?

No, because they got to hear the

Screams.

>> well, I can pretend!

>> no.

>> I could do that!

>> that's a really nice idea,

Though.

>> I can crack the whip.

Just put it up in my hand,

Right here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Put it up!

I'm a multi-tasker! Put it up!

>> okay.

>> yeah!

>> all right.

>> yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Look. I'm cracking it. See?

I'm cracking it!

>> but you got to scream, too,

While you do it.

>> oh, okay. Aah!

>> there you go. That's good.

>> aah!

>> I like that, but you got to

Sync it up, because if you

Scream before the whip crack,

It's gonna ruin the effect.

>> oh, okay.

>> they're gonna know we're

Hot-dogging them.

>> [ screaming ]

>> [ chuckles ]

[ winces ]

Oh, I seriously --

[ gong crashing ]

Smoke break! Yeah!

You're getting close, toby!

[ laughs ]

You guys ever think about

Quitting?!

[ laughs ]

Those crazy guys.

Ah, hungry!

[ sighs ]

All right. Ooh.

Oh, it's got a wiggle to it

Today!

Excuse me, sir?

>> yeah?

>> I can't seem to find my bunk.

>> oh! No, no, no.

They give you bed sheets to get

You thinki about sleep.

But sleep -- it, uh --

[ laughing ] It never comes.

Hey, I'm gary!

You must be my intern, claude,

Huh?

>> yeah.

>> get your shirt and your I.D.

So, how's hell treating you so

Far, huh?

>> well, it --

[ both grunt ]

>> now, this I.D. Is gonna get

You access to...Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

It doesn't work.

>> there's got to be a mistake!

I'm not supposed to be here!

>> [ chuckles ] Yeah.

All the noobs get pwned saying

Stuff like that.

Just like the calendar says.

[ high-pitched ] "There's a

Mistake!

I'm not supposed to be here!"

[ laughs ]

[ normal voice ] It's pretty

Good.

Every day? You catch that yet?

>> they're all mondays.

>> man, the guys who made this

Really nailed it!

[ laughs ]

>> it's -- it's clever.

It I clever.

>> it is! It's really good!

I love it!

Talks about life, you know --

What's really going on.

[ chuckles ]

Let me show you around.

[ gong crashes ]

Ooh, bathroom break.

Let's do this!

>> good.

I was gonna ask -- are there

Water fountains?

>> it's not a water fountain.

>> [ gagging ]

This is terrible.

This is horrible!

>> just got to chill out, buddy,

All right?

At least we're not in the

Stalls.

That's when things get ugly.

[ fart ]

Been there, done that, jason.

>> I can't hack it here, man!

>> there's nothing you can do

About it, so just be a

Professional.

>> yeah, I'm sick of it!

>> oh, it's satan!

>> sick of it, you hear me?

>> uh, play dead.

>> cruz kisses his fist and

Points to heaven every freaking

Time he gets hit by a pitch!

I mean, what is that?

You know, I mean, I'm the one

That gives him all those

Seeing-eye singles, right?

[ cellphone beeps ]

[ deep voice speaks

Indistinctly ]

>> hey, satan.

>> why would you say that?

>> I'll catch you later.

[ cellphone beeps ]

>> [ laughs ]

Blowing another first day!

Good thing you're wearing

Glasses, man.

Here it comes for you, buddy.

>> gary.

>> no!

[ liquid splashing ]

>> you know what?

>> oww, it's hot.

>> do the gargle.

Do the gargle.

>> [ gargling ]

>> [ chuckling ] That's it!

>> were you talking about

Cortez cruz, the baseball

Player?

>> [ continues gargling ]

>> who the...Are you?

>> my name's claude.

It's all for you, satan.

>> that's just my intern!

You can ignore him!

>> I mean, cortez cruz is the

Worst -- always kissing that

Humongous cross.

What's the point?

He got the jesus neck tattoo.

Am I right?

>> yeah.

Yeah, that's a good point.

>> he should be kissing a

Pentagram and pointing down...

To you!

[ splashing stops ]

>> you know what?

That's an excellent idea.

Gary, are you listening to this?

>> uh, you're cutting in and

Out!

I can't -- I can't hear you.

>> um, listen.

I got a job for you and your new

Intern, here, um --

>> claude.

>> claude's gonna fill you in on

Our new, uh, marketing plan for

Our friend cortez cruz.

All right?

>> [ groans, chuckles ]

>> yep. Good meeting you guys.

>> oh, yeah. Mmm. Oh, god.

Oh, god, yes. Mmm.

>> pretty dumpy digs for a pro

Ball player.

>> stop talking smack about my

Old apartment, bro.

>> what?

We're supposed to be talking to

Cortez cruz.

>> see that guy over there?

That is my old roomie, lucas,

Back from my old earth days.

You can relax.

We can do this all day long,

'cause he can't see us.

>> I can see the floating beer

In my kitchen, though.

>> oh, man.

>> well, he can't hear us, so

Boo-yah!

Ha! You dick head!

You're a dick head!

>> actually, I can hear you,

Because I just responded to you,

Dick head!

>> oh, hey, lucas!

What's up?!

I can see you moved my futon

Into the living room.

>> I converted your room into a

Humidor.

>> oh, that's so cool!

That's so cool!

I can't wait to see that! Yeah!

>> shut the door behind you.

It's perfectly humidified in

There!

>> I got to go check it out.

I'm going right now.

Just slowly working through your

Humidor!

Boogety-boogety!

[ party horn blows ]

>> [ speaking indistinctly on

Tv ]

>> boogety-boogety.

>> "I'm claude, and I'm here to

Devour your soul."

>> [ yelps ]

Who the hell are you?!

>> claude! I just said that.

It works.

>> can you seriously not see me,

Lucas, or -- you're jerking me

Around!

>> it says in the manual that

You have to see it in your

Mind's eye.

>> I'm doing that, all right?

I guess my cloak mode must be

Stuck on.

Sometimes it gets stuck when

I'm doing high-profile...

>> all right. Check this out.

[ as old woman ] Lucas...

Can you give us directions to

The baseball stadium?

>> nana?

B-- but you're dead!

>> [ deep voice ] Where is the

Stadium?!

>> it's off the interstate!

Take route 17, go down about

4 blocks, and make a right!

>> hey, pop quiz.

How did you do that thing -- you

Know, that old-lady thing?

I-I mean, I know how you did it,

But can you explain to me how

You did it?

>> it's easy.

You just grab an article of

Clothing from that person, and

You can appear as them.

>> oh, I knew that.

I was testing you, and you got

An a-plus.

>> why don't you give it a shot?

>> all right.

Yeah, you want to see what the

Expert does?

Sure thing, buddy.

I'll give you a thrill.

>> great.

>> claude! Claude, what am I?

Who am I?

Am I handsome?

Am I somebody really cool?

Who am --

>> hold on, hold on.

You're not allowed back here,

Sir.

>> no, no, hang on, man.

I'm with him!

>> who?

>> you don't understand!

I -- hey, claude! Wait up!

>> who the hell you talking

About?

>> that there red guy in the

Glasses!

I got to get in there, man!

Whoa!

Oh, hey, man!

No!

[ screaming ]

God! Oww!

[ music playing ]

>> hola cortez.

>> [ gasps ] Idios mío!

[ yelps ]

Aah!

[ sighs ]

>> nice ink, cortez.

Did you forget who pulled you

Out of the slums of venezuela

And made this all possible?

>> [ speaking spanish ]

>> how about you stop using

Jesus as a beard?

Here.

Every time you get on base, we

Want you to kiss this and thank

The man that made it all

Possible.

>> ¿un estrella de david?

>> it's a pentagram, you

Wetback.

>> claude, where are you at,

Man?

Hey, now, what'd he say?

>> okay. Okay, okay, okay.

Está bien.

Lo haré.

>> how about I just dissolve

Your face in acid right now?!

>> whoa, claude! Whoa.

Going a bit bad cop, here.

[ chuckles ]

Look, we're authorized to give

Him those powers.

>> you give him this, he'll just

Want more.

>> you need to back off on this,

All right?

I'm the boss here.

Thanks for your energy.

>> yeah.

>> look. All right?

I'm gonna use a spell.

I'm gonna bump up your hand-eye

Coordination, but you

Remember -- you do the

El diablo, point-o down-o,

Smoochy, smoochy.

>> [ speaking spanish ]

>> I don't understand what

You're saying.

So...Okay.

[ chanting ]

Now, cortez, I think that last

Bit there will tingle like --

>> [ gasps ]

What did you just do?!

>> [ yelping ]

I think I did it...Wrong.

>> watch out!

You're stepping on him!

Get a cup or something!

>> dude, it's a roach!

>> no, that's him! Stop!

We're gonna reform him, right?

Right?

>> the real mystery today is

What happened to perennial

All-star cortez cruz.

Cortez, forgive me for saying

So, but you looked a little lost

Out there at the plate.

>> 'cause he swung the bat like

A...Girl.

>> I was having a little trouble

Getting around on his fast ball.

But, uh, also, uh, dearest

Satan, I pray that the earth

Will crack open and you will

Reign over man for 1,000 years.

Hey, mira, satan. Mwah.

It's all for you, baby, okay?

>> what a...Weird thing to say.

>> cream pie!

>> [ screams ]

Oh, god. Oh, god! Oh, god!

>> what the hell are you doing?!

You're gonna expose the whole

Operation!

>> no!

>> what baseball guys do!

Hail satan!

>> dude, satan, it wasn't my

Fault!

It's gary! Look at him!

He's a fat idiot!

>> [ shrieks ]

>> I just want to say hail

Satan, everybody.

I hope everybody's doing good,

And merry christmas!

[ cackles ]

>> they do the cream pie when

They win, gary.

Don't you watch sports?

>> you think you're gonna be a

While?

'cause I could go get you some

Magazines, or --

>> oh, no, I'm good.

Just sit tight in the bowl, huh?

>> * I've been rotten,

I've been left out before *

* I've been shut out, had my

Fingers slammed in the door *

* and I've been cold,

And I feel old *

* and I felt you looking down,

And I know things are looking

Up *