Original subtitles

Yeah, it was pretty good, wasn't it?

Well, thank you. I'm always getting good feedback on that.

Oh! Am I hearing a little jealousy there?

Uh, next weekend? Hmm.

Well, that depends on what you have in mind.

Ah! Run that by me again?

Wait! Wait! I'm heading into the valley! I'm losing your signal!

Hold that thought. Hold that thought.

Can you hear me now?

How about now?

Hello?

What the hell?

First rule of survival, gentlemen,

find food and shelter.

And if you are going to cook that food and warm that shelter,

fire is your best friend.

You're mine for 48 hours, gentlemen.

If you wanna get your money's worth,

I strongly advise you to get those fires going

and roast your lizards.

Actually, Mr. Gummer, since we get the concept and everything,

why can't I just use my lighter?

Yeah.

Because you don't have a lighter, Mr. Mosley, that's why.

Because to survive...

You do what you can with what you've got.

It's not as though the brochure was misleading.

You knew full well what you were getting into.

Yeah, I'm not that hungry for lizard anyway.

We're scheduled for finding water at 0900 hours,

basics of self-defense at 1300 hours,

none of which we will be getting to

until you ladies master the simple art

of making a damn fire.

Smoke. Smoke! I've got smoke here!

Hey, look at that!

Way to go.

I did it! It works!

I shall call it fire!

Burt, this is Jodi. Do you read? Over.

Copy that, Jodi. Over.

Burt, we need you back in town. Over.

Jodi, please, I'm in the middle of my first class. Over.

I know, but we kind of have a problem. Over.

What kind of a problem? Over.

Looks like El Blanco got another one. Over.

Damn.

All right. Be right there. Out.

You're burning it.

I'm preparing it Cajun style.

Good work! That's how you do it.

Pack up, men, we're heading back to town.

Pack up? Huh? Now?

Second rule of survival, Mosley. Adaptability.

Is that him?

Nancy, that guy called. He's gonna bring out your new kiln today.

Oh, great! At least there's some good news.

So! Tyler. Gone all weekend?

Yep.

In Bixby? What's there to do in Bixby for a whole weekend?

I mean, there's bowling and miniature golf.

I think Tyler found his own kind of entertainment.

You know, it's not that I mind spending evenings at your place

listening to Route 66 Revisited, but...

That would be Highway 61 Revisited,

possibly Bob Dylan's finest work.

Nobody buys any food. If you didn't catch it and cook it,

- you don't eat it. - Great.

Okay, give me the sit rep.

- Any identification? - On a foot?

Well, all we know is he's a size 11 double-D and wears a sweat sock.

And he was hang gliding.

Guess old EB got him when he touched down.

Oh, that would be my new product line.

I call them Desert Icicles.

Back off, Mosley.

If it isn't utilitarian we don't waste our time. Got it?

Right. Absolutely.

We'll have to give Twitchell a full report. Where'd it happen?

Just past the Graboid Crossing sign.

- How old is that foot? - Mmm?

Blood's fresh, doesn't stink, no maggots.

Tyler, enough.

Well he asked me. Can't be more than a day, I guess.

There were no tracks? Coyote? Mountain lion?

Come on, I would've noticed them, Burt. What's the big mystery?

The point is, El Blanco hasn't been anywhere near there for days.

Well, that doesn't make any sense.

If it wasn't El Blanco, you'd be saying that...

That there's something else in the valley,

killing people.

Let's not jump to conclusions here.

Maybe that something else is just a person. A murderer.

Not that that's a good thing.

Well, whatever or whoever it was,

I'm going to have to cancel my class.

Damn.

Whoa! Burt, not so fast.

Can I have a quick little word with you?

You can't cancel your class, it's your first one.

Jodi, I've got no choice.

You can't afford it.

I keep telling you, you have to think about economic survival.

That's hardly the point.

We have to get the students out of here

until we find out what's killing people.

So you're gonna let them drive

30 miles of desert road, clueless and unarmed?

They're safer here.

Doing what? I'm gonna be busy with...

Right. You gotta check things out.

That's why we'll take over the class.

- Come again? - Now don't go to your rigid place.

Nancy, Rosalie and I can handle things while you guys are gone.

That's ludicrous! A bunch of girls!

Women. Women. Women. Whatever!

Nice save, Burt.

Trust me, this will work.

I know it wasn't part of the business plan,

but we've gotta do what we can with what we've got.

Jodi, I've spent my life perfecting skills

you can't even imagine.

Yeah? Well, so have we.

Women know a whole lot of things men can never even dream of.

Oh, it must be the guy with Nancy's new kiln.

Hear that? Hey, what's going on?

My new kiln!

Where the hell is the...

Oh, my God!

What?

I know this smell.

Like rotten eggs marinated in bad beer.

- Which tells us? - Launch residue.

- No! - That's not possible.

What's not possible?

Must've landed in the shotgun seat,

decimated this poor bastard, then blasted off again.

I know you're saying something, but what the hell is it?

Even though it's impossible,

we have an Ass-Blaster on the loose.

What, you mean one of those flying things?

Cool!

Not remotely cool.

Everybody inside, double time!

Okay. Come on. Let's go. Hurry up. Get inside. Come on.

Burt, how could it be an Ass-Blaster?

It couldn't be. There haven't been any Shriekers around here.

They morph into Ass-Blasters.

But you need a Graboid to morph into Shriekers.

Burt, was there another Graboid out there?

It would have registered on my monitors.

What about El Blanco? Could he possibly morph?

Not him, he's sterile, he doesn't change.

Gotta put out the alarm.

Rosalita, Burt here. Do you copy? Over.

Hey, Burt, Rosalita here.

How are you doing teaching those guys? Over.

Change of plans. Now listen carefully.

We apparently have an Ass-Blaster at large.

No, no way, Burt.

To get an Ass-Blaster, you need a Graboid.

Then you get Shriekers. Then you get...

I know! I know. Nevertheless,

all evidence points to this conclusion.

I strongly suggest you deploy your heat camouflage system. Over.

My what? Over.

That silvery blanket-looking thing I gave you

to conceal your body heat in the event of a Shrieker or Ass-Blaster incursion.

Oh, yeah, that. Um, yeah, I got it. It's right here. Over.

Good girl. Keep it at the ready at all times. Over.

Um, Robert that, um, over.

It's "Roger," not "Robert."

We only need to wear them when we are outside.

We knew that.

If you're trapped on the ground,

silence is your only protection.

But we're not meant to be victims.

We're meant to be at the top of the food chain,

using our intelligence to overcome brute force.

Using that intelligence, we can turn a low-cost, everyday item like this,

into something any Graboid would...

No, Twitch, I'm not being a smart-ass.

Burt thinks it may be an Ass-Blaster.

No, there hasn't been a Graboid, but...

Or Shriekers either! Damn it, just listen!

All I'm saying is make sure nobody else gets in the valley

till we got this thing under control!

What a...

- Dick? - Putz?

Dick-putz! Perfect!

The next subject I was gonna cover

was how to orient yourself using a stick as a sundial.

Why not use a compass?

When you don't have a...

This isn't going to work.

There are too many concepts you're simply not equipped to...

English, Rosalita! English!

Not necessary. Yo comprendo loud and clear.

It's an Ass-Blaster.

You are so damn right.

And I'm guessing it paid you a visit.

A visit? A visit is when a friend comes by for tequila shots.

This was more like... Like...

An Ass-Blaster attack.

You said it was in your shed?

Harlow smokes meat in there.

I guess it honed in on the heat, and, uh...

And that's when you swam away from it?

No, I jumped in my water tank.

I figured, you know, like, if I'm underneath the water

it can't see my body heat, so...

How long did you have to hold your breath?

I didn't. I used one of these. It saved my life.

All right, we've got to go after this big bird.

Is it more like goose-hunting or turkey-hunting?

- And then I kicked him and he was out... - Gentlemen!

The current emergency will temporarily require the attention of Mr. Gummer,

so we will continue the curriculum as planned

under the guidance of Ms. Sanchez,

our Survival School self-defense instructor.

Jodi? Uh...

- Burt? - Gentlemen,

- so let me show you this one. - Burt!

We go jump up and kick.

You're not thinking you're going out alone?

Sorry, this isn't the same as fighting Shriekers.

It's twice as dangerous.

Yeah, well,

so is driving a Chrysler 360 small block

130 miles an hour around a dirt track at Big H.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

But here.

If you don't mind, Burt, you drive a little cautious.

Stop. Stop here.

This is good.

High visibility.

We'll get out here.

Get out?

Of the truck?

My engine's the hottest thing for 20 square miles.

The AB is sure to spot it sooner or later

and you do not want to be sitting here when it lands there.

No, I don't.

Your blanket.

Okay, listen up, men.

Let's say that, uh, this guy insults your sister really bad.

So you key his pathetic ride.

But now he's coming at you with a butterfly knife, right?

Or, you chew out the parking valet

for keying your Lexus and he attacks you.

Right.

Whatever.

So, you always go for what?

The cojones!

See? It always works.

Okay! I think that's enough self-defense training.

Um, we are gonna be moving now

to the next phase of the course,

which would be Nancy's studio.

So you've really had experience with knife-wielding pervs.

Only it didn't go as good as I told those guys.

That's an ugly scar.

In my neighborhood, I was the lucky one.

At least it motivated me to get out.

We should get someone to, you know,

make these things into suits so they fit better.

I'm not planning on hunting Ass-Blasters full time.

Who came up with the name "Ass-Blaster," anyway?

Jodi. Not my first choice, I can tell you.

It's good! Means they really kick your ass, right?

You have watched the videos, correct?

Yeah, well, I fast-forwarded through the slow parts.

There are no slow parts.

No offense, Burt, but you do tend to run on.

Yeah, well, while you were fast-forwarding,

I was explaining the most unique features

about this particular animal.

I know. The biggest flying creature on Earth.

No, they don't fly, they glide.

Like Rocky the Flying Squirrel.

- Excuse me? - Rocky the Flying...

Forget it.

Unique part is how they launch themselves,

by internally mixing volatile chemicals

which literally explode.

And the flaming gases are...

Well, expelled through an orifice in the, um,

posterior.

Wait a second.

You're telling me these guys launch themselves

by lighting a big one?

So to speak.

Whoa!

Is that it?

Affirmative.

It sounded like an F-16.

Two o'clock.

Your other two o'clock!

Got it. I got it.

The gun's loaded, right, Burt?

Oh, yeah.

Burt, no noise, quiet.

Not now, damn worm.

All clear. Damned worm is gone.

Did you see that?

That flame was 10 feet long, man! Right out of his ass!

God, look at him go!

Had it square in the crosshairs.

Sorry, Burt.

Graboidus interruptus, huh?

Ooh.

Now it's personal.

What did I tell you?

Uh, hide our body heat.

So do it. And?

Keep watching the skies?

Yes! That's where the monster is, right?

You guys, this is survival stuff. Tactics! Tactics!

I work with clay and paint, Jodi,

and live in a house with indoor plumbing.

- What do I know about survival? - Well, nothing.

I mean, technically, but you're very creative, so go with that.

Yo! Guys!

Is this the part where we learn about auto-loading pistols?

Not in my house it's not.

That's because we are working on basic survival.

Working with basic tools, like

rope!

Exactly. One of the most basic survival tools.

There is nothing as utilitarian as a length of rope.

Yeah, you can't have too much rope. I can't wait for this.

Excuse me!

We sort of have a dangerous situation going on.

You really need to get inside.

We've come for Messerschmitt.

Is he enrolled in the survival school?

Okay, incoming at

10 o'clock.

Finally got you where I want you, you heat-seeking bastard.

Burt, Jodi here, do you copy? Over.

Burt, do not kill the Ass-Blaster.

Repeat. Do not kill the Ass-Blaster.

It's from Las Vegas. It belongs to Sigmund and Ray.

Sigmund and Ray?

The magicians?

Mmm-hmm.

- What's all this? - Guys!

- This is the latest... - Do you mind giving me a sit rep?

I had it right in the crosshairs.

What the hell is going on?

The animal's private property.

It's the one I sold to Sigmund and Ray.

When the Ass-Blasters first showed up, Nancy caught one alive.

- Nancy? - Yeah, with her daughter, Mindy.

Then they struck a killer deal for it,

and now it's putting Mindy through college.

Burt Gummer.

You don't look as tall as you did on Larry King.

60 Minutes. Who are you?

Name's Mead.

I was hired by Sigmund and Ray to retrieve their property unharmed.

Are you kidding? It's already killed two people.

Yeah, so I hear.

Maybe they should've kept a little closer watch on it.

Look, he didn't escape.

It was stolen by a couple of fools who thought

they were gonna get millions of dollars for it in the Far East.

But he really did a number on them.

That's how Messerschmitt escaped.

Messerschmitt? They named it?

They'll call it Kamikaze when I get through with it. It's threatening our lives!

We're completely within our rights to...

Now, you listen up, Gummer! That Ass-Blaster is the only one of its kind.

It's kept in one of the finest

endangered species habitats in existence.

Experts come from all over the world to study it.

Are you really gonna go out and shoot it?

Uh, what are you guys staring at? Is this hammock ready?

Well, does it look ready? Does it?

Is that the Ass-Blaster?

Yep. Right now he's about 7.36 miles southeast.

You ever try catching an AB before, Mead?

No.

But I think I've got the edge.

Just bring him in close, put him to sleep.

Very impressive. Very high-tech.

But I can take him unharmed without darting him.

It's my game, Gummer.

You know, it would be better if we didn't have to dart old Messerschmitt.

You know, if we give him too much and he hurts himself when he drops...

Hey, Gummer!

- You serious? - 24/7.

All right, tell you what,

why don't you give it your low-tech best,

show me what you can do.

You're on.

Looking good, guys.

Well, I don't know how to...

Hey, you okay?

Wonder who it was.

Who?

The foot.

It was a person, a human being.

It had a family, friends.

Yeah, well,

I think they're doing tests, you know? DNA or whatever.

They'll find out. These people will know.

It wasn't your fault.

No?

What about that poor guy in the jeep?

Uh, excuse me, miss? No offense,

but I don't see how learning macrame is gonna help us survive.

I agree. I'd feel a whole lot more useful helping Burt

than I would making a hammock.

Oh, you would, would you?

Well, then clearly you have missed

how important a hammock can be.

They're not just for afternoon naps, you know.

What if you needed something to carry supplies in?

Or something to fence in?

Or what if you needed to carry the wounded?

Someone who was maybe attacked and mangled

and lost half his body and couldn't walk?

Then you would need a hammock, wouldn't you?

Burt?

Could you wait up? I need to talk to you.

Sure, sure.

You know, you and I, we've been through it all together.

Yeah.

And even though we butt heads,

I consider you a real friend.

Well, same here.

I want to apologize.

For what?

For this! This is all my fault!

I mean, you said it was dangerous.

You said that we should kill that thing when I caught it,

not sell the damn thing!

If I just hadn't been so greedy...

Mindy, it's okay...

No, it's not okay, Burt!

Two people have died!

But you couldn't have known.

Well, I should've known, Burt.

Hey, uh...

Um, look, you listen to me.

Nancy, this isn't your fault.

I don't blame you. Nobody blames you.

I blame those jerks who tried to steal the AB in the first place.

You're just trying to pay your daughter's tuition.

Trying to be a good mother.

You hear me?

Yeah. Thanks.

You got a problem?

Who, me? No, not at all.

Low-tech? Looks like no-tech.

We'll keep my tranq gun handy.

And you're late for the Star Trek convention.

Suggest you gentlemen take cover.

The AB will be attracted to the hot food on the stove

and you don't wanna be in its way.

Oh, we get the idea, but what exactly are you using for bait?

MREs. "Meals, Ready to Eat."

Burt keeps them around for emergencies.

1,200 calories per bar.

When an Ass-Blaster eats enough food,

it lapses into a kind of coma.

Exactly the way Nancy caught this one originally.

And once he pigs out, your only job's gonna be loading him into his cage.

Incoming object. Altitude 120,

speed 45 miles per hour, bearing 272.

Bogey, 10 o'clock!

Stuff your face, you gassy blow-bag.

Jeez, what's wrong?

I don't know.

He's getting ready to take off. He's gonna get away.

The hell he is.

I don't know what went wrong.

Normally they eat anything.

Thing is, Messerschmitt has lost his taste for that kind of crap.

In Vegas, his meals are prepared by a French chef.

So, boys, your only job is to load him into his cage.

All right, let's go.

On three. One, two, three.

Watch out, Burt!

Shoot him! Shoot him! Kill this bastard!

Come on, come on! Get him off me!

That's right. Come on.

Just wanna thank you.

Not a problem. Just overloaded his heat sensor.

I can't believe these didn't do the job.

I had enough juice in here to knock out Rodan.

I don't think it's about potency, I think it's about burn-off.

What?

The shot hit him in the hindquarters.

The body temperature there is, well, obviously astronomical.

The ass blast alone is like a V-2 rocket.

- Excuse me? - A V-2. World War II?

Forget it. My guess is the heat nullified your drug.

All you did was pin the tail on one pissed-off donkey.

Jodi, it seems we're gonna need more rope.

Nancy's got us doing macrame. We're getting quite good.

Don't backseat drive, Burt. We're handling it.

So how are we gonna catch this thing, now?

If you can't dart him and he won't eat...

No, he just won't eat MREs.

Who in his right mind would?

Man! That smells good! What is it?

A tender filet of beef in a mild bearnaise sauce.

It's a recipe from Sigmund and Ray's personal chef.

He has his own website.

Five-star bait for a pampered Ass-Blaster.

Exactly. And, I printed out a bunch of other recipes,

just so that we've got plenty of food.

Chateaubriand, braised pork chops,

rack of lamb on spicy curry...

Ooh! Trust me, the lamb is great!

Nancy, good thinking. Above and beyond.

Well, I just felt like I had to do something.

Well let's see what kind of gourmet old rocket-ass really is.

Any sign of him?

Not yet.

You'd think with all the heat we've got going...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

There.

He's just sitting there. He has to see all this heat.

Maybe he's tired of red meat.

Should've gone with the Chicken Kiev.

Burt! What the hell are you doing? Get in here!

Just testing.

The problem isn't the menu,

the problem is he's gotten wise to us.

Each time he's gone for food on the ground, what's happened?

Well, the MREs tasted like MREs,

and then he got shot with a dart.

I don't think he'll go for anything at ground level anymore.

Now I know this isn't what you wanna hear,

especially coming from me,

but if we can't get that thing to take our bait,

we may just have to kill it.

Wait a second.

If our guest won't come down to the dining room,

how about we send up room service?

Once again without the metaphors?

Okay. We're going sky fishing.

That's about four feet now. Coming to you.

Keep it coming.

A little further. Here we go. Right here. All right.

Okay, get ready for another one.

Here you go, guys. Ready to go. Fresh from the oven.

Wow.

I haven't eaten like this in...

Well, never!

Why does fart-bird always get the good stuff?

Sit rep! Glider repair?

Clear to fly.

- Aerial bait? - You're baited!

- Ground bait? - Ready to go.

- Back-up plan? - Locked and loaded.

Let's move!

And we have lift-off!

Approaching target!

He spotted it! Steady!

He's coming in!

It worked, Gummer!

- Yeah! Get it! - Go, go, go Burt!

He took it. It worked!

Get more food ready.

Yes!

Slow down! Slow down! Give him some slack!

You got it.

Come on, come on. Bring him in. Just a little closer.

Whoa! I'll reel him in the rest of the way.

He's actually cutting through the cable!

Come on, Burt.

If he gets away we'll never be able to trick him again!

Just keep cranking!

He snaps that line, he's going nowhere.

Guys! Guys, think!

- Come on. - Let's get the net!

Let's go!

- Got it? - Yeah.

We did it!

We got him!

That rope worked!

We did it!

All right.

Well, we really owe you guys.

Damn right. Next time we're in Vegas, we want front row seats.

You got it.

It's actually one hell of a show.

That's what we've heard. You guys drive safe.

Okay. Take care.

Oh, well, this is gonna be painful.

- What is? - I'm gonna have to refund their money.

All they learned was gourmet cooking and macrame.

Mr. Gummer, we just wanna tell you what a great time we had.

You, uh... You did?

Absolutely. We're even gonna recommend you to our associates.

Oh, and just a suggestion,

you really should keep the French cooking.

I could even get my wife out here for that.

Thanks again.

Well there you go, Burt. You're the Martha Stewart of

whatever it is you do!

That was a compliment.

No, really. Think about it.

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